Protection

PROTECTION

I am just a baby in your arms. I am fragile, brittle and vulnerable. You see I was broken when I was so, so young. I did not know any different and all I wanted was to be told that I was good. I did everything I could to please them but it was never deemed enough. I don’t know why I could not make them love me but it just did not happen. Perhaps if I had tried harder. I know it is my fault really but I did not know any better. They took something from me, I still do not know what it really is, but I think you do. I think you hold the answer because of who you are.

I try to be a good person, I really do but there is just something that stops me from being that decent and compassionate person.  I see what you and people like you do and I cannot help but wish I was the same. Sometimes I want it so much it makes me do things I should not do because I cannot control the jealousy that rises and makes me do those Bad Things. Believe me, I fight against it but I have not had the strength to defeat the wickedness but I have you now don’t I?

You will shield me and give me the fortitude I require to complete my journey to redemption. Everything that has happened before was borne out of me lacking you. Those things that I have done, well, I am not proud of them but I was weak and knew no better. I did not have you to lead and guide me. The others, you see, those others promised me that they would take care of me but they were just pretenders and charlatans who took from me and left me twisted and beaten in the dust.

Sometimes I had to fight back. That was when I struck out at them. I did not want to, truly I did not want to do those things, but sometimes I was given no choice. I know all that has gone now because you are here. You are the person I have waited for for so long. I believe in you and how you can save me. You are my caretaker, my salvation and my rock. I look to you and you give me such hope. You show me that there is a better way, a road that leads to salvation.

It is a road that will take me away from the Badlands and the darkness. I understand the road may be long, it may wind through difficult places but ultimately, with you holding my hand, I know that I will reach that place where I need not be afraid any longer. I need not hurt and lash out but instead I can harness the real goodness that is somewhere deep inside me.

You told me that it is there and I believe you. You know about these things. That is the way you have been made. You are the carer, the healer and the peacemaker. You must understand why it is that you are so special to me. You are the only one who truly understands what is to be me and you are the only one who can save me.

I will place my heart in your hands and let you care for it. I have been broken, I have been broken for far too long, a shattered and fractured creature who has had to endure living this way without any hope of redemption, until you came along. Please, make me a better person. Please care for me and nurse me and hold my hand when the demons come. I look to you and only you and in those optimistic eyes of yours I find absolution.

All I want is to be loved. It is not too much to ask is it. I am a noble yet broken person and you hold the power to make me what I want to be, what I should be. I am like a baby in your arms. I am vulnerable yet with you there anything becomes possible. I know you will love me, care for me and protect me. You will save me. You are the only one.

You fall for this speech.

Every time.

9 thoughts on “Protection

  1. A Victor says:

    They’re so quick to give their sob story to us, to let us know all the ways they’ve been hurt, because they know that doing so will play right into our empathy, that we will always see that little baby, at just the time we need to go. And that it will hold us captive, wanting to make it better for them.

  2. k mac says:

    I have always stood by the saying “hurt people hurt people. In most cases that’s probably true. I believe that people are inherently good. That has prevented me from accepting certain truths. I wish I could go back to that place.

  3. Alison says:

    Every. Single. Time. Even now that I have gained awareness of what a sham our relationship is, this is what pulls me back in, even though I now know there’s no fixing him. Pity I guess.

    1. k mac says:

      Apparently I’ve learned nothing Alison 😔

  4. jasmin says:

    No, I don’t.

  5. Chihuahuamum says:

    If i can overcome codependancy a narcissist can modify their narcissism the problem is they don’t want to. Narcissists are codependant as well on fuel it’s their choice of drug.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Wrong.

  6. Joa says:

    While reading, I wanted to write, that if he would come “like this”, I would certainly give in, but even that was written at the end…

  7. k mac says:

    We fall for it because it is the truth. You were always enough and worthy of love and affection. Just because your mother wasn’t able to give it doesn’t mean you didn’t deserve it.

    We believe it because we see you. The real you. Glimpses of it anyway. You are still in there. The real you. Not the facade not the mask, you. That’s who we love. You may not be able to accept it but that doesn’t make it untrue. Happy Thanksgiving. I’m thankful for you. ❤

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