Cheers! Alcohol and the Narcissist

CHEERS-ALCOHOL-AND-THE-NARCISSIST

 

Alcohol is a pervasive drug. A Bloody Mary prior to lunch, a liquid lunch to conduct business, afternoon drinks because it feels like skipping school, drinks straight from work which turn into a session, celebratory drinks for a birthday, a deal done well, an anniversary or just because it is Friday. Drinks at the golf club, prior to the big game, at the BBQ, at the funeral wake, a night cap, a toast, a cheeky snifter before heading home, one for the road, a hair of the dog to shift the hangover. Drink is everywhere and is deemed socially acceptable despite the misery that its excessive consumption causes.

What part does alcohol play in the narcissist dynamic? I do not mean the occasional drink with an excellent meal or the social beers in a bar with friends, the regulated and moderate drinking which does not bring with it problems. I am referring to alcoholism, where there is a reliance and a dependence on alcohol. How does that factor into the narcissistic dynamic?

At the outset it is necessary to distinguish between the alcoholic who is a not a narcissist and the narcissist who is an alcoholic. This is important because narcissism and alcoholism actually share similar traits.

–         There is the deceit that is involved in engaging in excessive drinking and engaging in narcissistic behaviour;

–         Both have sufferers who lack any insight that they have a problem;

–         Both require the manipulation of other people to achieve their aim. The narcissist manipulates to gain the Prime Aims, the alcoholic manipulates to drink.

–         Both engage in telling lies on a repeated basis about what they have been doing, where they have been, how much they have had to drink, whether they have had a drink;

–         Both result in selfish behaviour;

–         Other people find themselves being put second on a repeated basis to the needs of either the narcissist or the alcoholic;

–         Both engage in switching behaviour, being pleasant and likeable one moment and then suddenly abusive; and

–         The pursuit of the end game (fuel/drink) becomes the sole concern of the relevant individual

Accordingly, the behaviours of the narcissist and the alcoholic appear most similar. The alcoholic may present with narcissistic traits (as described above) but a sober alcoholic will see the appearance of those narcissistic traits reduce to reveal that he or she is an alcoholic but not a narcissist. The imposition of the need to have a drink/becoming drunk serves as an external stressor which reduces the emotional empathy of the non-narcissist alcoholic, so that their narcissistic traits (selfishness, anger, lack of honesty etc) come to the fore. This results in unempathic behaviours but they are linked to the imposition of the external stressor and the reduction of emotional empathy, not the absence of emotional empathy and the need for the Prime Aims which the narcissist needs. The addition of alcohol to this individual causes them to become narcissistic but they are not a narcissist.

The narcissist however who is also an alcoholic may stop drinking but the narcissism will remain. Indeed, there are many occasions where a victim will realise that they are involved with an alcoholic but they will not realise that this person is actually a narcissist who is also an alcoholic since alcoholism is far more readily identifiable than narcissism.

Narcissism leads to alcoholism. Not in every instance. I am not an alcoholic. I like to drink, in fact I enjoy it very much and I can consume significant amounts but I do not become blind drunk because I do not want to lose control. I have seen the narcissist who is an alcoholic and that is my Uncle Robert. His aged frame and bitterness are a clear testament to the aging that comes with a lifetime of downing his first gin and tonic at 11am and not stopping until the stupor arrives sometime after 9pm. Watching him as I was younger, observing his behaviours arising from his drinking (and later understanding that this was a layer upon his rampant narcissism) this served as a useful warning to me to ensure that I used drink for my purposes and did not allow it to consume me. I am fortunate I have that self-control and discipline, since many of our kind do not.

Alcoholism is a symptom of a certain mind set and narcissism is a mindset which lends itself to alcoholism occurring. Narcissists are creatures of addiction. We are addicted primarily to fuel. This is our drug, but being this way also means that we have a susceptibility to other addictive behaviours. This is why we engage in taking recreational drugs, shop with complete disregard for the financial repercussions, engage in workaholism, gamble and drive like maniacs. Not all will be present but there is a propensity for our kind to engage in these kinds of behaviour because of our vulnerability to addiction.

The traits of our narcissism lend themselves to fostering alcoholism. Not only are we prone to addictive behaviour per se, the existence of these traits means that we become even more vulnerable to alcoholism occurring.

  1. Our magical thinking, our sense of superiority and omnipotence means that we believe that we can deal with alcohol better than the “little people”. We can drink more, we can handle that drink better and we can drink all manner of different types.
  2. The broad range of types of alcohol, the rich and varied culture that accompanies appeals to us as we show off our knowledge about it. The Cerebral Narcissist can boast about his extensive knowledge about particular wines or whiskies. The Somatic can brag about how much he has spent on a magnum of champagne and the Elite will do both.
  3. Our hunting grounds for our victims invariably involve the consumption of alcohol. The Somatic Narcissist who find his prey in the night club and amidst the chrome and neon lights of upmarket bars is going to be exposed to alcohol repeatedly.
  4. Our lack of accountability means that we can drink when we want, with who we want, where we want and we do not suffer the consequences. We can drink at lunchtime before making a presentation and believe we are immune to any such repercussion. We will take the wheel of a car having consumed alcohol because the laws are not applicable to us. We will not suffer any downside from drinking, we are a super man and able to cope with the toxins we are pouring into our throats.
  5. The desire to be centre stage. The provision of alcohol acts (at first) as an accelerant to our grandiose behaviour, our sense of showing off and performance and therefore slugging it down as we hold court in a bar, show off with our dancing and engage in our flirtations all assist ensuring that we are at centre stage and remain there.
  6. Blame-Shifting One. You make us drink. If you did as we wanted you to, then we would not be forced to have to drink to numb ourselves from the tedium that you cause. If you loved us properly we would not embrace the bottle. It is your fault that we drink so much.
  7. Blame-Shifting Two. The repercussions and consequences of drinking are your fault as well. If you had not made me leave the car after I had been drinking, it would not have a got a ticket. The final warning, I received because I was drunk on the job was down to you making me go into work because we need the money (even though you begged me to stay at home). Our abusive behaviour to people when drunk is down to you making us that way. You should have stopped us.
  8. Refuge. The consumption of alcohol by our kind allows us to take refuge. The Mid-Ranger who is innocuous turns into a raging Elvis impersonator as his grandiosity soars through the repeated application of drink. Drinking allows our kind to become ebullient, impressive and charismatic as it bridges the gap between what we really are and what we want the world to see. Alcohol removes the shackles which this cruel world seeks to impose on us and allows us to be who we want to be and who we want the world to see. We are freed of the fear of rejection since nobody can resist us when we are buoyed by this alcoholic uplift. The whisperings of the Creature are momentarily silenced by pouring another glass. How marvellous alcohol is to allow us to be what we want to be and to take away all the other concerns, limitations and problems that plague us. Alcohol acts as a fuel substitute and this is why certain narcissists with limited fuel matrices and/or malfunctioning fuel matrices will turn to drink as it acts as a fuel substitute, but it is a short term solution and one which cannot be relied on for a significant period of time. There must be the return to a properly functioning fuel matrix and if not, then the fuel crisis beckons.
  9. Removal of the mask. The lower functioning of our kind find a sense of relief in no longing needing to adopt a mask but rather allow the mask of alcohol and drunkenness to enable them to show what they are really like as there is the temporary removal of the repercussions of rejection and criticism.
  10. Alcohol is a fuel enabler. It allows our kind to become better and more brilliant and in turn gather the fuel with greater ease, whether this is through impressing someone with confident conversation, sparkling wit and repartee or the descent into abusive behaviour as time wears on and the drink mounts up.

The fact that so many traits of ours are geared towards the consumption of alcohol and the fact that this consumption enables us to achieve our goals with greater apparent ease added to the fact that we have an inherent susceptibility towards addiction for the reason explained above, means that this cocktail increases considerably the risk that a narcissist may also be an alcoholic.

19 thoughts on “Cheers! Alcohol and the Narcissist

  1. S.C Tampa, FL says:

    H.G, I am begging you to give me some direction and insight. I was seeing my narcissist for almost 2 years. We met by happenstance and had sex. I told him we I wanted to see him again but see were still making out. When we left I basically thought that was that and walked to my car. He seemed a little annoyed and asked, Well, don’t you want my number?” I took it and texted I had a good time. Then it was very sporadic I’d go to his place and stay I over, but when I left, it was like I disappeared, like out of sight out if mind. I ended up falling in love with him and asked him to talk one day, he texted before the time we agreed on and he knew what I was going to say, I never told him, but he knew. He told me not to fall for him (already had) and that he wasn’t that guy and he was a shark and couldn’t be tamed.

    I accepted tearfully and decided to settle for the time I could get with him. He would often disappear during our texts, which were not frequent, maybe 2 times a week, but would say I was needy? I got upset eventually and he sent me a text telling me that he didn’t want any expectations and he wasnt going to always be available when I wanted to see him and maybe he was busy with work, or watching tv or fucking someone else. I demanded an apology, but didn’t get one and just got blamed for making him send it because I was stubborn. I wrote him a long text explain ng I knew he had NPD and he told me to just delete him number.

    Anyway, this was around February and it became harder and harder to get time with him. He became even more rude and dismissive. I never got the lovebombing, never spoke to him in the phone, only by text in almost 2 years. Never a thanks for anything I did, never a compliment. We never went anywhere together.

    I found out he was seeing someone more formally. There would always be an excuse that he couldn’t see me. He eventually told me we needed to take a break because I had feelings and he didn’t. I asked if it was goodbye forever and he said no,just goodbye for now.. that was about 5 months ago. He did call and I went over once and it was like old times, but that was it. I saw him out casually and talked to him and he gladly accepted some oral pleasure.. I asked him why I wasn’t good enough, that I treated him like gold. He said it wasn’t that I wasnt good enough, but this new guy likes all the same things he likes, but H.G he never gave me the chance to participate in any of those things with him. Like go on his boat, meet his friends etc I told him that and it was his usual silence.

    What I keep ruminating on is why the new guy gets treated so much better. He stays over a lot because I have been bad and checked up on him. I saw them am pride festivals twice holding hands and hugging and kissing (he never kissed me) I saw them as a gay resort in the pool beings affectionate and looking so happy. He doesn’t know I’ve seen them at these places. Places I asked to go but he never would.

    I don’t want him back, because it would be the same thing all over again, but I just can’t get over why I was treated like dirt when I gave all I could. It’s like he’s totally different. I could deal with it better if it was just social media posts but I’ve seen the new him in person and it’s like they are on the way to living together. I feel like an idiot and I feel like trash that was a placeholder. Please help me get some insight, I can’t keep on like this.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      This is an expansive matter and the most effective approach would be for you to arrange a consultation.

      1. Bubbles says:

        Dear Mr Tudor,
        Would an involvement with a narc be considered the same as ‘unrequited love’ ?
        Luv Bubbles xx 😘

        1. HG Tudor says:

          It would depend on the circumstances, however the idea of unrequited love, something burning away for so many years but never coming to fulfilment has its routes in the narcissistic perspective.

          1. Bubbles says:

            Dear Mr Tudor,
            Thank you very much for your reply.
            Is this something worth expanding upon ?
            Luv Bubbles xx 😘

          2. Whitney says:

            HG, my God
            Unrequited love is when someone doesn’t love you back. It’s the worst feeling you could experience in life. It was how I felt when I feel in love with a Narcissist.

        2. Bubbles says:

          Dearest Whitney,
          Precisely…. I loved my mum and she’s never loved me
          Luv Bubbles xx 😘

          1. A Victor says:

            Same, loving my parents, wanting a real relationship with them, realizing they were not capable of this and giving up that hope, but still loving them. Very early with my mom, a bit older with my dad. Then two men who were incapable of loving me back, no matter how much love I gave to them. I always thought unrequited love was loving someone and they didn’t know, from a distance maybe. I guess it happens very close to home sometimes, and with knowledge by both parties. Although, all off those were/are mid rangers, so they thought they were loving me back. Or at least they told me this and then used it against me to create cognitive dissonance, guilt etc. I am so thankful to understand that real love isn’t abusive and to know what it will look like now!

          2. Bubbles says:

            Dearest A Victor,
            That’s what I thought, but not necessarily.
            Look at the movie “The Holiday”, that’s initially what it’s about . Iris loves Jasper and he knows it, however he’s engaged to Sarah. He doesn’t really love Sarah, he’s emotionally needy. I’d say he was a narc for sure.
            Then there was Miles, in love with ‘my Maggie’, who was just using him… he was dangled with ‘hope’ from her
            There you have it ‘unrequited love’ or unreciprocated love.

            Why even bother trying with someone who doesn’t love you back ?
            Difference is …..narcs are incapable of loving another person, use yes, love no.

            I’m sorry you went thru this AV, I’m relieved you are seeing it for what it really is.
            I think loneliness and the desire to be with someone plays an enormous part
            Luv Bubbles xx 😘

          3. A Victor says:

            Ah, Bubbles, I am sorry any of us go through this. But glad to know we can survive and even come out stronger. I will watch The Holiday, I’m always looking for entertainment with narcs in it, for further understanding.

            Yes, I am seeing more clearly all the time the “using” aspect of narcissism. It affects everything, at every level of interaction. It’s horrible.

            And yes, you have hit it on the head, loneliness and the desire to be with someone are driving factors. Until we learn that loneliness is preferable to being with the wrong someone.

            Thank you Bubbles! 💕

          4. Bubbles says:

            Dearest A Victor,
            That’s why loving yourself, first and foremost, is optimum
            Do that and good stuff follows ….,. because you won’t put up with crap and no one will cross your boundaries
            In retrospect, sounds easy, but for so many, hard to do.

            Jay Shetty posted this …..
            your intimate partner is a massive decision in your life
            Make sure you are with someone who …..
            Brings you peace with your problems, is joyful when you win vs jealous
            Pushes you to grow vs pulls you down
            Takes responsibility vs blames you for everything.

            Luv Bubbles xx 😘

          5. alexissmith2016 says:

            Interesting that you loved your mum even though she never loved you. I find it completely impossible to love someone who doesn’t love me. the moment I sense a change, my feelings towards them also change and cannot be changed back. Whilst I had some moments with the N who enlightened me, for others that change has always been much quicker and once my feelings are switched off to them they can never be turned back on.

            When I was younger I was always scared of being alone. I rather like it now. I enjoy people’s company still of course, but for short bursts then happy to be by myself again. I would much rather be completely alone and forever than alone in someone else’s company.

          6. Bubbles says:

            Dearest Alexis,
            She was my mum, she was all I had (my brother got out quick)
            If I loved her, surely she’d love me back ….. get where I’m going with this heheh
            Mum and my step dad , screwed with my head big time, add the weasel on top of that …….whoaaaaa !!!!

            I would never enter into another relationship, I prefer peace n tranquility and a good bubbles or red 🍾🍷
            🤣😂🤣😂
            Luv bubbles xx 😘

      2. S.C Tampa, FL says:

        Dear H.G

        When I have the funds I will definitely book a private consultation with you to get your expert advice regarding my situation. I hope a 1 hour phone consultation will be enough, it’s quite a story.

        Your posts on YouTube as well as here have helped me immensely. Please forgive the typos in my original post, I was rushing and typing on a phone.

        Kindest regards,

        S.C

        1. HG Tudor says:

          You are welcome.

    2. Joa says:

      I can’t help you otherwise. When I was in a similar state, this song helped me a lot. My daughter gave it to me, with the words: “Just, let him go.” It hurts but helps:

      https://youtu.be/9256X67IQdQ

    3. Truthseeker6157 says:

      SC Tampa,

      I’m sorry to read your story of your relationship with this man. There are so many markers for narcissism in what you describe. Your own reaction to how you were treated is totally understandable and I can imagine how confused you must feel about it all still.

      HG can explain all of the whys so that you can understand this man’s motivation for behaving the way he did. Once you understand that motivation and you get your answers, you will begin to move forward and feel better. Replaying the past searching for answers on your own is natural but it doesn’t help, it makes you feel increasingly more upset and confused.

      You’ll be surprised how much clearer you will feel once your questions are answered fully. I can highly recommend the consultation with HG.

      I hope you stay on the blog and continue reading and commenting SC Tampa. HG’s book ‘Fuel’ would also be an excellent place to start. You can download it from Amazon and it will help you to better understand how you were viewed by this man.

      Welcome to the blog!

      Xx

      1. S.C Tampa, FL says:

        Thanks 🙂 I’ll look for the book.

        1. Truthseeker6157 says:

          You’re welcome 😁

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