The Futility of Feelings



Feelings are an unnecessary burden and thankfully I have been relieved of many of them, being left only with those which are deemed necessary to enable me to pursue the harvesting of fuel. Feelings blur and weaken. How many times have you heard your alarm go off in the morning and you have rolled over feeling like you do not want to get up? Many times I should imagine. That feeling of apprehension about what the day holds for you, despondency at what has happened to you and dread about what you have to do weakens you and holds you back. You spend much of your life in the pursuit of this notion of happiness but are you ever truly happy? Do you look at what you have and wish you had more? Do you look at other people around you and imagine how happy they must be and you wish that you were more like them? All you achieve is bitterness. Perhaps you do feel happy but as the empath that you are you see those who you regard as less happy than you and you wish that they could be more like you. All you achieve is vanity. You spend so much of your time seeking to be happy and then you worry about whether it is fleeting in nature. You express concern that you just want to be happy and spend more and more time trying to achieve this state of nirvana. You suffer from feeling sadness which leads to paralysis and indecision. You feel frustrated which sucks up your energy and leaves you feeling spent. You take pride in your ability to feel and to be able to feel on behalf of others yet all you are doing is allowing yourself to be burdened. Why bother pursuing those feelings which are regarded as positive, such as joy, happiness and elation? Is the effort truly worth it when you get there only for it to be a fleeting moment which then casts you into despondency? What was the point of that? Why allow yourself to be mired in upset, misery and dejection? You achieve nothing as you slowly sink into a quagmire of such negativity. Your feelings deceive you, press down on you and above all else allow us to manipulate you. It is because you feel this array of emotions that you provide us with emotional reactions. Of course you know that these emotional reactions create my fuel. Your feelings are to blame.

I never acquired these feelings. This is because the pursuit of fuel cannot be distracted by these cumbersome emotions. They serve no purpose and thus were never developed. I am built for the acquisition of fuel and nothing else. I am an efficient design, single-minded and driven. All excess baggage was not jettisoned, it was never stowed on board to begin with. I am not wholly without feelings. I have been developed in a way to allow certain feelings, those that aid my purpose, to come to the fore. I feel fury which ensures that I can exert control over other people and thus extract fuel from them. I feel envy which drives me on to strip away those traits from other people which I need to create my construct. If I felt no envy, I would not want these characteristics – thus this feeling serves a purpose. There is no superfluous feeling connected with me. I feel jealousy which again causes me to strive to better that person by lauding my own achievements and prompting a reaction which garners positive fuel or by berating the person of whom I am jealous and thus I harvest negative fuel. I feel hatred. This allows me to see everything as it truly is. Hatred hones and brings into sharp focus the reality of this cruel world and thus I am better able to navigate my way through it. Hatred is visceral, it is not fluffy or amorphous. It does not cloud or blur. It is direct, straight to the point and electrifying in its capacity to allow me to always go forward. All of these feelings and ones of a similar nature have been fashioned around me to assist me in my quest for fuel. Each one discharges a method of enabling me to gather fuel so that I can feel the ultimate emotion. My pursuit of fuel is predicated on the use of these various emotions with the sole purpose of allowing me to feel that emotion which I prize above all others.

I feel powerful.

I am powerful.

20 thoughts on “The Futility of Feelings

  1. Asp Emp says:

    I read your words here, HG. I considered that you are not applying emotional thinking because that is the way you are. However, there may be occasions when people who have an addiction to narcissism and out of sync ET (reacting with narcissistic streaks coming to the fore) can appear to be abrupt. At the same time, there are those who have co-morbidities that may also show ‘abruptness’. It is a matter of recognising the differences by ‘viewing’ the LOCE (wherever that is).

  2. Liberty says:

    Thankful to all of us. To be sure.
    But my feelings are a theater of my own amusement.

    As the saying goes’ learn to be alone, because in the dark even your shadow leaves you..
    Or something like that.

  3. Rebecca says:

    I do envy your lack of fear and sadness,so many bad memories are wrapped around those two feelings for me.

  4. A Victor says:

    HG, what if my ex came to your site and sent a NDC in about me and all the ways I’ve hurt him. Would my outcome be narcissist? From his perspective it would, so how can we really know?

    My son is afraid he will hurt his dad. He’s so angry, I’m so scared for him, to be carrying that much anger.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Because it wouldn’t come up to the evidential standard.

      1. A Victor says:

        Thank you HG, of course. I need this in case my kids want to know. And this is assuming my ex didn’t fabricate things etc. Really appreciate this answer.

        1. alexissmith2016 says:

          HG, will you be writing/recording an article on Putin at all?

          AV – you ask, you’ve got the best asking voice xxx

          1. A Victor says:

            Alexissmith, hahaha, okay, I’ll try…

            HG, will you be telling us anything further about Putin? We’re really hoping you do, you have the best mind for doing so, as we all know.

            No promises Alexissmith, but I did the best I could…

          2. A Victor says:

            Maybe if we took turns? 😂

  5. Asp Emp says:

    HG, this is another ‘nugget’ of gold of your comments in your amazing blog. It is explained well in your words here.

    It is also why narcissists (extracted from your article ‘Envious of Your Contentment’) “During devaluation if we witness you appearing content, we are overcome with envy. Why should you be allowed to sit, satisfied, happy and relaxed?” – a prime example, of that Lesser, when I had invited him to view my house on the second viewing- the ‘consorted’ features on his face – looking back, he was fkg lucky he got an invite for the way he had treated me.

    I realise now that jealousy / envy is something that I have not seen in old friends, only that Lesser, son, son-in-law and MRN (to a degree but it came out as ‘oh-woe’is-me’). Muvver was envious of me when I’d met this guy at that time, she could not ‘retain’ her fellas for long because she is not me. She was a crap ‘fuel source’ (LOL). Granted I was in abusive relationships due to my lack of understanding. Now I know better. I am as content as a guinea-pig being petted and cuddled 🙂

    I liked the response to your earlier commented (link as above) and your comment following

  6. Asp Emp says:

    This comment is interesting RE: dogs and scenting (without actually sniffing) ‘vibes’ off people. I recall Lesser shouting at my dog one time and she went behind me for protection. They did not ‘bond’ as well as the MRN “bonded” with her. She was a good dog / companion. She liked some people, not necessarily every single person she ‘met’.

    Partial comment “before it is too late to salvage my true personality and before I end up turning into some form of a mutant”- it amused me. However I can understand the ‘logic’ behind the words. It is canny how descriptive it is to the sense that I can totally relate to. Here is where I would suggest that it is very possible for an abused empath with co-morbidities can appear to become ‘Kafkaesque’ under the life-long influence of narcissism. Having to “de-programme” and “re-programme” to reverse that psychological ‘damage’. Kafkaesque no more. this whole thread was good to read. Thank you for posting it, HG.

  7. Wendy says:

    This is you and how your narcissism has made you to be. It has to be that way for you to be able to function and live. I feel sad for you but then again it’s what makes you who you are, a force to be reckoned with. No life is devoid of value no matter what. You (narcissists in general) don’t feel sad for yourself so why should we feel sad for you? I guess I feel more sadness for those that come to love and care about you that will never have that reciprocated.

    I agree this is a cruel world in many ways but there is beauty in it. Babies/children, families, people helping each other, many examples of selfless people and examples of true love not the emotional infatuated version. The 80 year old couples holding hands still together after 60 years thru hell and high water. (Puppies! Lol)

    It’s also beautiful that a boy who experienced abuse and pain who unfortunately developed into an ultra narcissist but yet has been able to turn that into a legacy to help thousands, maybe millions of people to free them from the abuse they sustained at the hands of their abuser. That’s beautiful!

    When I hold on to hatred, envy, strife, and feelings of anger it drains me. I don’t enjoy the feeling. It weakens me. I’ve felt these feelings more in my older age unfortunately than I ever have and I wonder why. I suppose much if it is situational and the environment that I have been put in that was somewhat out of my control. I want to shed that negativity and move forward. I don’t believe we should all be “happy” all of the time. We should experience it all, the good and the bad so we can learn, grow, and become stronger and better able to handle whatever storms or hurdles that are before us.

    Becoming better does not always equate to being happier. My goal is for happiness but even more than that, to be content and at peace with myself and the world around me.

    That was a bit of a lengthy thought. Now let me go cry a river and eat some chocolate! 😩


    1. HG Tudor says:

      I feel somewhat queasy now.

      1. Wendy says:

        Haha! I figured you would!

        I knew it the minute I hit that send button. Regretted it immediately! Lol

        That’s ok, I said and I meant it!

        What did it? Puppies? Or the old couple?


        1. Wendy says:

          At least I got a “ feeling” out of you! I feel accomplished! 😉

      2. Savoy Truffle says:

        Have a nice cuppa tea. You’ll feel better.

    2. A Victor says:

      Wow Wendy! What a great comment! Especially about the boy who grew up to create a legacy of helping people! Awesome comment!

      1. Wendy says:

        AV, thank you. I get a little carried away with my emotional thinking sometimes, lol.

        I hope you will be ok with your situation. I know it’s going to be hard not hearing things from your children about their father. It’s not an easy position to be in. They are lucky to have you!

        My first husband smeared me all the time to my oldest daughter but thankfully she grew up and realized he was full of it! Yours will too. Thankfully, I am still friends with my second husband and it’s made such a difference in coparenting my youngest girl. 😊

        1. A Victor says:

          Hi Wendy, just saw this comment. I don’t know, if they don’t tell me anything I don’t think it will be hard. I will be okay, thanks. It was just that initial shock I think, and now I have a game plan. I’m glad your older daughter sees the truth now. And that it was easier with the younger one. Thanks for the encouraging words!

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