6 Silent Soul Destroyers
The use of and imposition of silence are two of the most powerful weapons in our abusive arsenal. Silence is easy to deploy and horrendously effective in securing our aims of compliance, control and fuel.
1. My silence is always meaningful
You may sit quietly because you have no need to say anything. You may remain silent because you are listening to somebody else or just enjoying the silence. We do not allow silence to be used in such a passive and redundant fashion. Our silence is used to convey contempt. It is used to draw concern and cause anguish in you. When we fall silent that pregnant pause is an indicator of the fury which will be unleashed against you. The longer silence is the imposition of our cold fury as you are banished to a sustained silent treatment. When we sit in silence we are not savouring the lack of noise, we are thinking, planning and plotting, calculating our next step. Our silences are weapons, they are our operations headquarters, our defence against your critical wounding of us. We use silence to hurt you, warn you, scold you and indicate you have overstepped the mark. Every silence has a meaning, it would be remiss of us to use it any other way.
2. Absence makes the silence longer
The deployment of an absent silent treatment where we remove ourselves from you, invariably with no warning or indication is a confirmation to you that this silent treatment will not be short-lived. The need to absent ourselves sends you a clear signal that we will be gone for some time. It is designed to have you come after us, try to contact us and beg and plead so that you fuel us. When we impose a period of absence by vanishing we are reinforcing how easily we are able to consider you gone from our lives. You may not even be able to contact us but we gather fuel from our knowledge that this sudden disappearance will cause you considerable consternation and worry. The absent silent treatment is also a key indicator that we are engaged in the seduction of a new prospect and providing this person with our false love and attention, which we have removed from you.
3. The silent gesture
Our silences are not just occasioned by us not talking to you or absenting ourselves for a period of time. We deploy silence through gestures. We may not turn up when we have agreed to a date with you, in order to reinforce how you mean so little to us and that we have any number of more pressing engagements to attend to than dine with you in a restaurant. Leaving you alone in bed, our side of the bed now empty and cold is also a hammer blow to your confidence and self esteem as we choose the spare room, the sofa or the bed of another in preference to being with you during the night. The silent telephone call from a withheld number, used when we are hoovering you, is designed to put you on edge. Is it us calling you this late? It must be mustn’t it, but you cannot be sure? The failure to buy you a gift on your birthday, creating a gap which ought to have been filled stands out considerably and allows us to apply maximum hurt through such a silent gesture.
4. The silent presence
By giving you the cold shoulder when everyone else is met warmly and enthusiastically, we cause you to feel completely alone even when you are surrounded by others. You try to carry on as if nothing has happened but you know that people will be wondering why we are not speaking to you. You feel the flush of embarrassment as once again you try to speak to us and you receive only a glare and then we sweep away. You want to challenge us but as ever it is you that will be criticised for creating a scene. You want to upbraid us for our childish sulking but you have learned that the consequences of doing so are not worth suffering. We of course know all this and we know how powerful our freezing you out in the company of others really is.
5. Suffer in silence
You are never to speak of what goes on between you and I to anyone else. Should you ever do so you are committing an act of heinous betrayal and your punishment for such a transgression will be malicious and fierce. You are not to betray me and speak of what you are subjected to. You are to endure it so that you become a better person, one who is compliant and obedient. Do you understand? I also know that you fear the repercussions of speaking out and this enforces my curfew. I also know that you feel compelled to remain loyal because of the golden period and how you feel duty bound to remain and try to resolve matters, work this difficult period through and fix what has become somehow broken. Your indefatigable spirit teeters on the brink of misplaced pride at not telling tales and instead knuckling down, irrespective of what is thrown at you, in order to bring about a resolution to our problems. You cannot succeed but you do not know that yet. For now you must suffer in silence.
6. I speak, you stay silent
Never interrupt me, never talk over me, never steal my thunder. When I speak everybody listens because what I have to say is brilliant, great and of tremendous import. You would do well to listen to improve yourself, please me and avoid angering me. You are my sounding board, Horatio to my Hamlet, a listener and in my presence you only speak when it is required to honour my achievements and laud my greatness. You are to be seen but only heard when I deem it necessary. Who wants to listen to what you have to say anyway? You only get invited to events because of me. They are only friends with you because they are friends of mine. Nobody is interested in you. Nobody. So stay quiet and listen.
12 thoughts on “6 Silent Soul Destroyers”
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Mr. Tudor,
You have described this with alarming accuracy. Quite a few people have told me that it’s normal. It doesn’t feel normal.
Assuming that the friend who has frequently done this to me is a narcissist, (There are many other indicators…) what does it mean when that person references doing this same behavior to others in my presence, when I have told them how distressing this behavior is? What does it mean when they tell you, “I did it because you feeling bad about yourself hurts me when I think you’re amazing.”? What do lectures about “how frightened” they are of “being abandoned” mean? What does it mean when I don’t bring it up the upsetting behavior but they do, saying, “I really want to do better.” What does the lack of effort after many years of friendship mean? What does it mean when they say, “I think of really long responses, but then I forget,” to type/send them? What does it mean when they say “you’re like the sibling I always wanted” yet they repeatedly treat you this way? What does it mean that “Other people do this so I can too.”?
I don’t know if what they do is more absent silent treatment (we live more than 100 miles apart) or more shelf dynamic (assuming they’re a narcissist).
Thank you so much for your time.
I would recommend that you organise an audio consultation so this can be discussed in greater detail.
Thank you for responding, HG. I appreciate your time.
Sorry for my rudeness, but my blood pressure rises when I read such texts. I was subjected to that too.
I will write directly.
It means flowery shit comes out of his mouth, that DOESN’T MEAN ANYTHING.
Dani, I hug you. Look deeper.
Thank you, JOA. I’ve been coming to think the same as you’ve stated.
I’m sorry that you’ve been subjected to the same behavior.
Knock knock… Halloooo…?
Knock Knock…
It’s me, a small, perpetually screeching device…
Knock Knock…
Can I speak up now?
Hahaha 🙂
—————–
It’s would be a hassle…
Today, after one of meetings at work, I got a mild reprimand from the new chief executive, but I felt restrained irritation. I spoke too much, too emphatically, and interrupted more important than me. The topic was exciting for me, I knew this law perfectly well, and I was sure that I was right, while the others were just getting acquainted with the topic and were wandered (it is a waste of time, if you anyway follow the path, I showed). When I’m sure, I don’t care if the president or the king is sitting in front of me. I have to say it.
I will not take away the glory to you, because glory does not interest me. I know, that in a week you will deliver what I said as yours, dressed in much nicer feathers. And I will clap to you, I will be bursting with pride to you, and I will be your greatest supporter. And I will be honest.
But let me speak, when I have to, I have to, I have to… 🙂
If I don’t know something, I keep silent and listen to you attentively.
He doesn’t know me yet. He doesn’t trust me yet. But we’ll get to that point over time.
—————–
And now silence…
Back in the day, when you were my whole world, it hurt me and killed me piece by piece.
Today, when you remain silent, when you intentionally ignore me, when you ostentatiously switch off, and when you run away – I feel overwhelming satisfaction. There are times, when I miss you (very much!) But they pass. Life fills this silence with so many things, that I don’t even know when I stop thinking about you.
I will not come back. I will not speak. I will not break this silence.
You will come back. You will contact me. You break this silence.
Because, you started this silence.
Then, I will decide whether to greet you kindly or indifferently. Or maybe I will ignore too.
Roulette. Depends on how you hit.
Joa, I kind of relate to the third part of your post above. He had 3 deval triggers at once, he was falling apart and wanted me to give him money, and I wouldn’t, so he disappeared cross-country here in the States. He won’t take phone calls, says the phone doesn’t work! Says he will return when he has made enough money. So my first response was relief. Then (sorry HG) I started dating and they are coming out of the woodwork. But now I miss him and I think I’m going to go to where he is “visiting his mum” and see if that is actually what is happening. If he’s having a sulk without infidelity, I can cope; if he’s there in order to try to find a replacement IPPS I need to go cold turkey real fast. Any advice, anyone?
I cannot advise you.
I know one thing: a woman should not chase a man. Even if she really wants and has to burn a part of himself not to.
Take care of your own affairs and your life.
Just as you don’t like being forced to do something, he doesn’t like it. Don’t forced him to you.
Will come back or not – life goes on. Although it could be so beautiful … there is no point in chasing him.
H&A, There are a couple of important reasons why this is true.
1) If he is a N these are manipulations (deny/deflect the phone works followed by AST) and if you go for the bait and seek him out, he will know his manipulations are effective and you can expect more of the same and you will increase your trauma bond. Please reread here https://narcsite.com/category/silent-treatment/
2) In general, people value what they make an effort towards.
He is not making any effort nor affording any common courtesy. Leave him alone. Go NC. Alexis is correct. Focus on you and keep people in your life who demonstrate respect and kindness. He is demonstrating neither. Wishing you the best in your healing and new life.
Heloise, I’m sure you’ll be bombarded with advice but from my perspective HGs advice is spot on. Don’t think about what he’s up to, that’s nothing more than self flagilation. I remember before I went NC and the devaluation had begun, I would check SM obsessively just to see if he’d been online ffs! That sounds mental when you sit back and think about it. Once o went NC deleted his number, changed mine. Deleted all social media so I then had no access to his whereabouts at all. It was a hard move, but the speed at which you recover once you’ve done that is far more rapid. At present all you’re doing is scratching the wound and preventing it from healing.
Please just forget about what he is going. You don’t need any validation from him or anyone else. Take up a new hobby or focus on promotion at work. He is not worth any headspace at all. All the thinking of him just prevents you from moving forward. It’s hard, it’s bloody hard but the inability to see what he is up to will help, I promise. X
Sensible advice.
heloiseandabelarde, go cold turkey real fast either way, you deserve freedom, he deserves nothing from you, not even a thought. It’s hard for the first little while but it’s not long before it gets infinitely easier. You can lean here, explain to a friend you need help getting busy for a few days, focus on something, get out around people, whatever it takes to keep your mind off him, it will hurt less in the long run than continuing to interact, even if only in your mind. You can do it, many here have.