Knowing the Narcissist : Letter to the Narcissist No. 131


I love you Dad. It makes me really sad that you have chosen to start doing heroine at the age of 60. You came to my house and you were nodding off but I thought it was because you were getting old. You watched my kids when I went to work. I thought you were calming at your old age. Because you used to be so angry and rageful all the time. The best thing you ever did for me was bringing J** into my life. You started dating her when I was 14. She brought warmth into my life. She brought love. She brought kindness. She was selfless. Which was a concept I was not used to. I always thought that you have to give in order to receive love. She gave love freely. She gave extremely well thought out personal gifts. She was so good at that. She took me shopping. Which is really fun for a teenage girl with no clothes. She had her daughter burn CD’s of songs that she thought was popular. She cooked meals. She smiled. She was happy. She brought happy to your sad. I think of her as the mother I aspire to be.
When I was little you would always be in some new money making scheme. Always different depending on the week. It was the early 90’s. You bought at one time “Ostrich eggs”… though I never actually saw them. You invested in humidifiers. Children’s vitamin gummy bears that tasted like garlic. Because you had us try them out. You invested in gold. None of these things actually made you money. And guess what. I told you time and time again that I didn’t care. You thought you were worthless if you weren’t rich.
When I was very little, I remember my sisters hiding us from you. You would get drunk and rage. You were so scary. You punched holes in the walls. Sometimes I would come up to you and ask you if you were okay because your hand was bleeding. And I could almost see you in there. Until you continued to scream at Mom telling her you would take my brother and I since we were “your children”. Not once did you consider that I wanted to stay with my sisters. I just wanted peace. I wanted all my family to be happy and to get along. Around that same time I learned how to ride a bike from the neighbor girl’s dad. I don’t know why I remember that.
You went to the bar one night. And you drove home drunk. I was about 9 years old. You drove our car into my classmate’s yard. The whole neighborhood watched as you were handcuffed. You were arrested. And I ran home and took $20 I had been saving and gave it to mom. I told her to use it to bail you out.
When mom moved us, you would call me and tell me how sad you were. You would insinuate that you may kill yourself. Have you heard of enmeshment? I believe our family has issues with that. You shared things with me that you shouldn’t have at such a young age. And still do. You put a lot of your pain and depression on me to fix. When I can’t fix it. And I know that now. But years and years of this sad anxious guilty just hole in my heart, heartbroken for you.. and nothing I can do for you can fix you. Without Jan in your life, I can feel you drain me when I speak to you.
You constantly talk bad about my brother. But he is the sweetest person and is the most successful out of the entire family. You put your anxiety and sadness into him. Since J** has decided that she can no longer be with you after 23 years, my brother, your junior has even moved you into his home. And all you can do is complain about him. And then you get upset with me when I tell you I disagree with your thoughts about my brother. He is a single parent of 2 and he amazes me. He makes 3 figures without a college degree. He is smart.  Why can’t you be proud of him??!! Or greatful!!!! It infuriates me how awful you are to him. And now that I tell you how I feel unstead of going along with you saying things about my brother, you stopped calling me. Which honestly I feel like it’s a break but then a part of me worries that you are doing drugs again. Or that you haven’t stopped. I wish you could just say how proud you are of my brother. Because he deserves it. Being a single parent of two is hard. So instead of complaining maybe pick up some slack and help him.
You can’t admit fault to anything you did as a parent. Not like I am pushing you to. But you are so wrapped up in yourself. I know you have things you need to work through. But you don’t try to work through want me to magically fix it. And I can’t. I don’t have that power. you were an only child of an alcoholic mother. I never met her but I was named after her. We recently found out that the dad you knew all your life… who died many years ago… was actually not your biological dad. You found out that we are ashkanazi jewish. And that your mom cheated on your dad with her boss. And she got pregnant with him. We found out from “23 and me.” You remember him. He took you to Disney when you were a child. On a “work trip”. He is rich. Funny….. you always wanted to be rich. It’s almost like you subconsciously knew that he was your dad. He wrote a book. I read it. He definitely seems like a narcisist. I’m not sure why he wrote a book about himself. Because he’s not famous. It’s weird and he toots his own horn a lot.
You cheated on mom when you guys were married. I don’t know if she’s a narcissist or if she is just a product of what you and life put her through. Either way, she isn’t healthy enough emotionally to be around her grandkids, not when she’s drinking.
You dated many females after mom. All of them were so giving and loving. It was crazy. They all seemed to love you so much. And you seemed to smile and reap the benefits of whatever they brought. I’ll be honest. One of the women let you borrow her mini van for our trip. She didn’t even go on the trip and I didn’t meet her. But she filled the van with homemade food and board games for my brother and I. I was like…”dad who is this woman, she’s amazing!”  You didn’t seem to appreciate it as much as I thought you should. Then came J**. She was great. You told me that from the money you have spent on drugs over the years, you could have bought a really nice house and car. Now you say you should have taken her on vacations. I wish you would have treated her better. I didn’t know you were doing her so dirty. Financial abuse. She deserved more. And it makes me so fucking sad and angry. She could have had a better life. She beat cancer in the past. Only to now have leukemia. she has to fight it off with chemo for the rest of her life. And i can’t help but feel guilt. Because when you met her I was happy. I was happy that she took care of you and I no longer had to feel that obligation anymore. It was like a weight was lifted. I was able to feel a little more relief and a little more like a kid. I thought it was because you were happy. But I think there was more to it than that.

9 thoughts on “Knowing the Narcissist : Letter to the Narcissist No. 131

  1. A Victor says:

    Is enmeshment different from ensnarement? Or part of it perhaps?

  2. Joa says:

    A beautiful letter. Another one that showed so much.

    A silent heroine.

    1. annaamel says:

      AV, I see enmeshment as meaning overly close, somewhat inappropriate or unhealthy bonds between people, generally family members. Like a parent confiding a lot of intimate information to a child. It suggests difficulty with independence, and over reliance on those relationships.

      I found this letter very interesting. Papa is trying to love her dad even though he’s very flawed and has left chaos in his wake as he’s moved through life, trying to find what he needs to feel acceptable, to feel satisfaction. And along with that chaos he brought love into his children’s lives in the form of empathic and generous partners.

      1. A Victor says:

        Hi Annaamel, thank you, that’s how I understood enmeshment after I looked it up yesterday. Yes, I agree with your sense of this letter and it was very emotional for me to read as that is also my experience. I connected with it more than any so far. Though I understood a couple of the others were well also. This one was emotionally charged for me.

        Also, I saw your comment to me about dismissive vs disorganized attachment styles. I will check into that. Thank you for your thoughts there.

  3. A Victor says:

    I hope Paba is doing better, this is heartbreaking.

    1. NarcAngel says:

      You are a much better empath than I AV.

      1. A Victor says:

        Oh no, did I miss something?

        And by better empath, do you mean the same as HG being a better narc? I’m so confused…

        1. NarcAngel says:

          No, it was me who missed something. I read Papa instead of Paba and thought you were saying you hoped the Dad was better now. My apologies.

          I still think you’re a better empath than me in terms of your patience and kindness though haha.

          1. A Victor says:

            NA, no problem and thank you! I thought I somehow missed narc cues again! I was gonna give up if I had! Haha!

            Thanks for the compliment also, my kids might disagree though! 😂

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