Knowing the Narcissist : A Letter to the Narcissist – No. 136
To my narcissist husband and father of our two beautiful boys,
You don’t pick up after yourself, you leave empty beer cans everywhere, you go out and play men’s adult sports multiple times a week and then go out drinking for hours after. Don’t do your laundry and then you rage at everyone when you have no clean clothes. No emotional empathy shown even when I tell you things you did and said that were extremely hurtful and abusive when you were drinking. Project things on to me such as my things clutter up the house and you RAGE when you can’t get around well in the garage. But when I go to clean the garage it’s all your things that you will not allow me to touch. Because it’s “your garage” and anything I have in there at all is an intruder item that doesn’t belong there. You leave your lawn tools out and get upset if I put them away because, I’m sorry to say, but you are too damn lazy to get them out days or possibly weeks later when you need them again. You rage if I put them away. You spend hours trying to grow grass in our yard and working in the yard yet it looks like crap and then you cry about it. But you refuse to hire a professional to help. You say we don’t have the money but you spend so much money on beer.
You have a basket full of clothes that you will not put away because you have too many clothes you don’t wear. You refuse to give them away. Projected it on as my fault for so long and claimed I had too many clothes to the point where I was so tired of it, I gave away almost my whole wardrobe except my work clothes and a few things and gave you most of my side of the closet. So you can no longer project it as my flaw. And you still won’t do it. I have given in to you so many times because I just couldn’t handle the adult temper tantrums anymore. You insist on being the captain of your adult male sports team yet you have no time to do the things you need to do at home. And you are on two different leagues so you play on multiple days out of the week on top of your job. And you get upset if the kids have anything on the days you have games. You missed your son’s orchestra concert because of a game. You get upset if I fold your clothes and you have even unfolded them in the past because I didn’t fold them this special way you like. So you would prefer them to sit in a basket or dirty on the bathroom floor. I feel like I have a 3rd child. And you sulk or glare at me or throw a temper tantrum any time I mess up your disorganization.
You leave tools out around the house and get upset if I put them away. But you also get upset when they aren’t put away because the house looks cluttered. So it’s a catch 22. You get angry if I throw any food away even if it’s growing mold. If I try and find a way to use the leftovers the next day, you find a reason to be upset. It almost seems that you would prefer it to get moldy so you can yell at me for throwing it out. You don’t seem to be aware that you are being manipulative and controlling and you reject it if it’s brought to your attention. I have tried and tried to make you aware of these things and sometimes you will recognize it and say you will change but it is very very short lived. Then you have amnesia and don’t remember. You don’t appear to find humor in manipulating me or even be aware of it like the first boyfriend I had. To my first boyfriend, manipulating me was almost like a fun game for him.
You got upset that our son had his door locked when he was 9 or 10, so you immediately went into full on crazy violent rage mode and smashed his door in without even waiting for him to open it. It ripped the trim off and he can’t even shut the door now because the part that holds the door shut is missing. You weren’t even worried he was doing something bad, you just got angry because he violated your rule of no locking doors. Well, now he is a teenager and can’t even shut his door without his brother or the dog swinging it open. This is why I don’t like to have people over. You yell at my family when they come over because you don’t recognized that people don’t have to live/eat/breath in the same way that you do and you make them uncomfortable sometimes. You yell at them if they bring food over that you don’t think is healthy. It’s weird. And awkward. And you don’t even recognize it!!! You think it’s everyone else who is wrong!!!
You are either extremely loud yelling and raging at the kids or extremely laid back with spurts of mini outbursts. If I try and direct/parent the kids while you are here, sometimes it’s fine but sometimes you find a way to disagree with what I’m saying and now they disregard me a lot because they just assume that I worry too much and think that means they don’t have to listen because you have made it seem like I am a helicopter mom. Which is not the case. For instance, a 7 year old unsupervised outside chopping wood with an ax is not okay. I don’t care how well he was taught. At least be outside with him. So when I told him to stop until an adult was present, you raged and became angry with me saying he was fine and that I worry too much. Same night i prepared the burger Patties because you were doing yard work and I wanted to eat at a normal time. But I was scared because I knew you would be mad if I started it. I wanted to start the grill coals but you wouldn’t allow me to do so and finally when you approved, it ended up taking forever. And then you said I did it all wrong and you re-did it all. So everyone was to the point of starving and crying before we ate so that you have a say in every fucking thing!!! I try to do things right but you are so unpredictable and find any reason to get angry and complain.
The only food that we should eat is the food you like and all other food is blasphemy. You have to have the final approval of every single minor decision in mine and the kids day, even if you are not present.
Our older son is starting to realize that your behavior isn’t normal and I started calling you out in front of the kids when you are not handling your anger properly because how can I tell them not to have temper tantrums or tell them to express their anger in healthy ways when their dad displays toddler fucking behavior!!! And you sometimes acknowledge it to be true. Like yeah you are right… but you continue to do it. It hurts my heart when I see our oldest child being hyper vigilant and doing and saying things that will please you even though it’s not necessarily what he thinks or wants. You have him trained to compliment your cooking and eat every bite of the food. He is a good kid. But I worry and I want him to be authentic. I am afraid they are going to get eating disorders. You used to occasionally force food into their mouths so they would “just try it” but I put a stop to that. Because tears would be flowing down their face and I was so afraid they would choke. You get scary at dinner time if they don’t eat. It’s not like.. go to bed.. it’s like sit here while i scream at you until all your food is eaten or where you have eaten enough to please me. And I am all about allowing them to try it and if you don’t like it you don’t have to eat it or if you don’t eat you don’t get dessert. But your way is not healthy. And when you scream at someone they are not going to learn anything. Because their brain automatically shuts off in order to cope with the stress. So, what good does it do!!! It’s just traumatic for them. They listen to you. They really listen! Why not just talk and reason with them!!! Be patient with them. Their brains are still forming!!!!! They are not going to learn to eat when they are hungry and stop when they are full.
For the longest time I believed that maybe I didn’t know how to parent and maybe you were right. And i thought if I stopped being a fuck up all the time and was better at all the things that you wouldn’t rage in front of the kids and you wouldn’t have a reason to get upset. I blamed myself for a long time.
you were right, my family is flawed and I am flawed and I don’t know what normal is. I didn’t have anybody to establish a healthy relationship for me. But neither did you. And I am trying to learn. Your mom was an alcoholic and your parents traumatized you with their fights. Your dad pulled a gun out during a fight and put it to his own head and said maybe I should just shoot myself. You spent a lot of time with your grandparents. Your mom went to rehab and when you were in college, she was arrested for embezzling money from her work to pay for his college. So that is why I do not understand. How do you not see that you are traumatizing your kids!!! When you went though it too!! That is how I know! Because I went through it too!!! And I don’t want them to feel that or go through that!!!!! How do you not understand that you scare them soemtimes!!! You are causing trauma to them!!!
I used to be afraid that you would leave us if I went against what you said. Or that you would make things worse. That was my own abandonment trauma I had to work out. I was worried a lot about you being out cheating on me or that you would get in a wreck driving drunk after your games. You have come home hours after bar closing time with a girl calling your phone. You lied and lied and still lie. I feel too tired to care anymore about what you do when you are out all hours. Because it’s overwhelming and I feel trapped and don’t know what to do.
I am just focused on how to make sure our children can have good childhoods and I want them to be happy. And healthy and safe. I can only control myself so I have to be able to protect them and teach them how to express themselves in healthy ways. I used to think that it wasn’t okay to be angry. Because of the trauma I went through. But now I know that anger is okay, it teaches you when a boundary has been crossed. It’s how you express and deal with your anger that is important.
I have learned that me calling you and worrying is only 1) a threat to your control so it ends up making things worse. 2) something out of my control 3) causing me to not sleep and not be my best self the next day. So I learned to take melatonin on those nights so that I can go to sleep.
Sometimes you get in the car with me and if you are upset, you drive really bad on purpose. Or if we are late for something you blame me and drive like you don’t care wether or not we get there alive. And if I react to your driving then it only gets worse. I started taking Ashwaganda pills before getting in the car with you. That way I don’t react to your insane driving. If I drive, then you scream at me the whole time about what I’m doing wrong. And after all that, wonder why I don’t feel like having sex with you that night. Because you are mean to me!! Sex is an emotional thing with women!!! It’s not just physical. I used to think that if I pleased you sexually that maybe it would make you happier. And I tried to please in any and every way I could. But you still acted like a dick. It didn’t change anything. And it put me in a position of being inauthentic. Because I didn’t always want to do it. I guess it was manipulation on my part. I also thought if I did everything I could to please you, that you wouldn’t want to cheat on me. I do have sex with you when you want it though. I rarely ever say no to you. Even when I just had a baby and was lacking sleep.
I am going to start trying to live without fear. And if you want to sulk or act like a baby feel free to do it. But I don’t want to live in fear anymore. I just have to start breaking out of my patterns of where I have given up on trying and just do what I want. I am going to get rid of things in the garage. Starting with the couch that holds your junk and blocks us from being able to get anything out. Because it is sitting where the garage door is and it’s blocking almost the entire door. And we can barley get bikes or the lawn mower in and out. Which isn’t my concern. It’s your behavior regarding the lack of ability to maneuver things in and out of the garage. And you scream at me about it being my fault because of any little thing I have in there. You leave the garage door open all weekend and it’s such a mess. Not only am I embarrassed about it but it’s rude to our neighbors and against the HOA rules. But you scream at me if I close it and you do a pity play about how you have no time to do everything you
need to do. And if I make any sense at all where there is nothing that you can say back… you say…well I guess I’m just a piece of shit. Pity play.
I have so much work to do in the house to the point of not having time to do anything but house work on the weekends but you get mad and tell me I am anti social for not coming to cheer on your sports game and you want me to sit and watch as you drink beer with your friends for six hours where I become the designated driver and the weirdo with kids at a table of grown men drinking beer for hours while the kids beg me to take them home. And then you get angry and rage if I try to leave after only an hour or two telling me I am anti social and miserable. And we get home and you get upset that nothing has been taken care of for the week.
You rage if I buy any food with nitrates and you tell me I don’t care about our family at all. You rage if I accidentally throw compost in the trash or recycling in the trash, which is rare, and you rage and make a mess and tell me I hate the environment.
You get angry and scream at the dog to the point of him peeing on the floor because he’s so scared of you.
You get mad if I spend any money on anything if I didn’t consult with you even though I bring home money too. But you don’t consult with me about anything. Anything I buy is considered non essential. But you can do what you want.
I tried to leave you before and you promised you would seek help for your anger outburst/ anger management courses. But that was a lie. You agree and then you play it off like the conversation never happened.
If we divorced, things would get worse and the kids would suffer just like I did as a kid. It’s scary to be a vulnerable child with a narcissist who recently got divorced and drinks.
You told me when we got married that you don’t believe in divorce. You said you would not marry me if I had any plans to divorce you. Initially, you told me that you didn’t believe in marriage but then you clarified that it was divorce you didn’t believe in. I do love you but sometimes i am so not attracted to you when you are abusive towards me. But I can learn to adapt better. I just need to be stronger and have a new perspective. I just don’t know yet what it is or how.
I didn’t recognize a lot before we had kids. My self-esteem was really bad from my previous boyfriend and so I believed all the bad things you told me about myself. Because you were so much smarter than me. But there were a lot of red flags that I looked over. Like you stealing herbs from the store. And telling me about it after. And I was like wtf?!! And you were like “well I don’t think you should have to pay for herbs, I think it’s stupid.”
And I told you, then grow them yourself! Someone else did the work of growing them and packaging them for sale so you buy them. You grow your own. I don’t understand your logic!!!
Huge red flag that I looked over. I was also drinking back then because it was before we had kids.
You hate that I am not outgoing. I hated that about myself too. But I can’t change that. I have friends and I get along with everyone at work and I have close friends. I am not a social butterfly and I know you hate that. But it’s not me and I have to accept that. All your friends like me and I get along with them. But you want me to be more like your best friend’s wife. But I’m not like her. And I don’t relate to her. She likes to sit high and mighty and judge people and talk bad about people or talk about materialistic things and I can’t pretend to enjoy her company. But I am polite to her. You blame me for you not seeing your friend often. But I’m positive it’s because you get too drunk at their house and she doesn’t care for that. But it’s okay if it makes you feel better to blame me. But I think that’s part of the problem. I need to call you out more on things. I have enabled your shitty behavior. Because I thought it would get better. And it did a little. But at the expense of myself.
I wrote all of the bad things. But you are not always bad… you can be such a good Dad to them too… there are good moments too.. you teach them how to play sports, you taught them how to ride bikes, you teach them things, you are so smart and you help them with their homework. I don’t know anything about sports and I am not athletic. You teach them how to fish. I am so bad with math and you are extremely smart and talented in math and you do a good job at helping them with their math and explain things so well. I have to teach myself what they are learning before I can even help them. You have good qualities too. You write me really sweet cards on holidays and you tell me how much you love me. You bring me flowers on holidays and you make me coffee in the morning.
I wish you could work on the other parts.
Because I want things to be good. I want us to be a happy family. For a long time I worked on changing myself. But you didn’t seem to do the same.