Knowing the Narcissist : That Really Gets My Goat

You ought to know by now that control and fuel are what we narcissists need and desire. Control over you. Fuel from you. These are the fundamentals and our existence is founded on these two items. Obtaining them, by any means, is the everyday interaction between us and you, our appliances. This is what gives rise to the manipulations, be they good such as showering with compliments during the seduction or be they bad, such as, subjecting you to a silent treatment when devaluation comes calling. By reading my work here and in my books, you have become increasingly familiar with the vast range of manipulations and you will identify with some of the “stand out” forms of manipulation, such as physical violence, sexual abuse, gas lighting, silent treatments, earth-moving sex, the withdrawal of sex, circular conversations, triangulation and many more. What you may now have realised is that many of those minor irritations that a narcissist engages in are also part of the application of control. What you chalked down to a somewhat annoying habit or an exasperating behaviour as being that and that alone, is actually incorrect. In the context of the world of the narcissist is yet another way to exert control and gain fuel, with the minimum of effort and the maximum of plausible deniability as to what it actually is achieving. “What are you talking about? I do not do that!” “Good god woman, so I leave a damp towel on the bed, get over yourself!” “Oh what a trauma, I have left the kitchen light on again. Nobody has died you control freak!” “You can talk, you are always putting crumbs in the butter.” What do you see there? The annoyance of an individual to having some petty irritation pointed out to them? Or do you see denial, minimising, exaggerated comparison and blame shifting? It is important to recognise that narcissists and non-narcissists engage in the same behaviours but is the reason behind it which assists your understanding. If somebody keeps leaving a wet towel on the bed after a shower, it does not mean that this person is a narcissist. If a non-narcissist does it, they are forgetful and no doubt pre-occupied with a thought about something else and when it is pointed out to them, they will apologise and correct the problem. If a narcissist does it, it evidence the sense of entitlement, lack of accountability and the latent application of the need for control. This runs through us and applies to everything we say and do, because the need for control is always required when an appliance enters our spheres of influence in some way. It is often the case that our kind will have a “go to irritating habit” which our narcissism applies because it is easy to do, it is easy to be dismissive about it, it is easy to claim you are over-reacting to something trivial and it easily allows the assertion of control and the gathering of fuel. What is the habit or what are the habits which the narcissists you have been involved with which has or have really got your goat and why? This is not about the major manipulations some of which I have listed above, but it is about giving you an opportunity to highlight and explain what are those seemingly trivial and relatively unimportant things that the narcissist did or does which really got your goat, so you now understand why, since it was a narcissist clearing his throat every five minutes as loudly as possible or licking the knife clean at dinner, it was instinctively designed to get your goat and control it. Over to you!

21 thoughts on “Knowing the Narcissist : That Really Gets My Goat

  1. Jasmin (SOTF) says:

    For PatriNarc: leaving the bathroom floor full of water, even after just washing his hands. I can imagine him shaking the water of his hands instead of using the towel.
    Also sending complete unnecessary messages like: “Another new day” or “I will take a bath”.

    For N2: he nearly always left 1/4 or 1/5 of his drink.
    Used to pester me with strong scents like incense, air refreshner spray and vinegar in the microwave.
    Every night when I putted the children to bed he opened the bedroom window. 🥶😂😂

  2. Joa says:

    Oh! I didn’t know this text!
    I’m always happy as a child, when I find something new 🙂

    My neighbor, who constantly talks to me to annoy his withdrawn, fearful partner – who listens to our conversations from inside the house (I avoid him and try to cut conversations politely and quickly) – clearly enjoys this type of behavior. I once told him, that I didn’t like the cleaning crew smoking in the entrance of the building and that I had told one of the men to go outside.

    The effects of interacting with these two men are two:

    – I leave home for work very early – at dawn – while the building is being cleaned. 2 days after pointing out and asking to smoke outside – the man I pointed out was cleaning the stairs. When I climbed the stairs, to leave the dogs at home and go to work, he was standing on the upper landing. Unfortunately, he “didn’t see me and didn’t hear me” (he would have to be deaf and blind) and “accidentally” splashed me with dirty water several times.
    (I solved the problem in a different way).

    – My “lovely” neighbor, who harassing me with his presence and unwanted conversations – since then – always lights a cigarette in the entrance to the building. At the same time – I notice more and less intensity – depending on how much time I spend talking to him.
    (I chose not to respond.)


    The group of two neighbors, whom I avoid has been joined by a third, from a building located on the second street. Harmless but wasting my time.


    Sometimes I feel so cornered trying to sneak between potential obstacles. Soon I won’t have anywhere to go… Leave me alone, everyone.

    1. Joa, I think this is like pointing out a vulnerability to someone and them taking advantage of it, or at least it is perceived as a vulnerability as you have made them aware that this is not what you want or like. A narcissist will naturally take advantage of that in order to assert control, perhaps there are other reasons, too (inability to be assertive, more aggressive nature, misogyny – since you are a woman and these are men, trying to get your attention – like the neighbour).

      It sounds like you saved your response to the cleaner, which was a deft move on your part as I’m sure he would have loved to see your upset at what he had done. No fuel for you 🙂

      Interesting examples of behaviour and I can see why you want them to leave you alone.

      1. Joa says:

        Oh yes, LT, you can’t even imagine how it annoys some men, that I’m alone and dare to fend for myself. They desperately want to help me, save me, be my friend or simply harass.

        I am also amazed at the attitude of some women (aggression). Maybe someday I will describe an incident at the gynecologist’s, that took place a few months ago. Sometimes, in conversations with my sister, we find that some people are annoyed by the very fact of our existence. These attacks are too common, to be called normal. I don’t even have to speak, sometimes just a glance is enough.

        I’ve gotten used to it all my life. Although the female gynecologist broke the record of aggression and fury and the use of the situation and position as a doctor (as a woman).

        The gentleman, who was cleaning was moved to another place. Far.

        The neighbor has been lighting cigarettes in the entrance to the building for over a year (he is persistent! 😊), but I gave up. This proves about him. I finished the topic.

  3. Allison says:

    The man regularly ate a shit ton of asparagus and garlic.
    I can’t prove anything, but that was hard for me to swallow.

  4. A Victor says:

    Oh the list I could write…

    1. Rebecca says:

      HG and AV,

      My narc husband once told me that my dad was “docile ” to my narc mother, meaning he couldn’t say no to her and did what she demanded. His comment triggered me to defend my dad and I won’t repeat what I said to him, it gave him negative fuel I’m sure of it. I couldn’t help my response, it erupted from me.

      HG, Being that my narc husband and I used to listen to your videos together, he sometimes calls you names and directs the comments to me, which also sets me off and I erupt on him. We were watching your videos together because I was trying to get him to see his narc daughter’s behaviors and trying to get him to understand what I went through with LMRSOMATIC at work.

      Ironic that it turned out I saw my childhood unfold and started suspecting my husband as a narc, but was hoping it wasn’t true….then my mother, his family.. …it was a lot to see and part of me was like, fuuuucccckkk….excuse me, but no other word could express more of how I felt, when it hit me like a wet fish across my face. Only I could marry into a narc family, sorta like stumbling into a den of bears and winter just turned to spring….my luck. Xx

      1. A Victor says:

        My “luck” also Rebecca, though I view it as having been more planned on the narc’s part, instead of luck. Unconsciously planned but I am a magnet to them, same as we all are.

        I had the same experience, first one then another and soon it was every significant relationship I’ve had except for my children. But for me it was a relief to find out. As well as surrealistic.

        Recently I’ve remembered a few of the manipulations my parents did toward each other. It is almost laughable as they were both trying to stay in control, and both I’m sure thought they were the one in control.

        1. Rebecca says:

          Hi AV,

          I understand what you mean. My narc husband is dealing with his family, for the first time, without my help. He’s not doing too well and it’s hard for me to hold back helping. I want to fix it, but I must sit on my hands and not get involved with the shit show it is now.
          They’re fighting over his mother’s things and the wolves are tearing up the carnage and snapping at each other, point their fingers at each other and fighting. They each are calling the other difficult, selfish, greedy and the problem. My narc husband called his daughter a narc, she is, but it was my time to go for a run, bye…they can fight, over the phone, over a painting of his mother, all without me….it felt good not to be involved in the shit anymore…the fresh air outside smells nice. Xx

  5. Rebecca says:


    My narc husband will slurp cereal, watermelon, spaghetti, coffee, soup etc, it drives me nuts and he knows it. He’ll yell at me, when I ask him to stop. He’ll say, “What the fk! I’m just eating! Can’t I eat without you fking complaining about it? I can’t help how I eat! ” I feel like I’m being an ass and I shut up, but then am I wrong thinking, who needs to slurp cereal?? Xx Who slurps cereal??

    1. HG Tudor says:

      A degenerate

      1. Rebecca says:

        Sometimes I just want to use a whole roll of duct tape on his mouth, maybe his whole head….thanks HG, for pointing out another indicator of the narc in him. I’ve gotten to the point now, that he’s often annoying me one way or the other and he makes my skin crawl.

        1. lickemtomorrow says:


          “thanks HG, for pointing out another indicator of the narc in him.”

          I really appreciated this part of your comment. It’s another “It’s not me” moment which tend to come thick and fast once you begin to understand what there is to know about narcissism. Such an enormous relief to have someone tell you that you’re off the hook of responsibility where the narcissist is continually trying to hang you on it.

          I’m sorry to hear you walked into a viper’s nest in terms of your marriage. It must feel overwhelming sometimes to have to deal with that.

          1. Rebecca says:

            Hi LET,

            No worries, I mostly just avoid his family, they try reaching me through him, meaning they call him and ask him, why won’t your wife accept my friend request, why won’t she talk to me etc. I’ve blocked them from social media, won’t talk to them at family occasions, like my mother in laws funeral last year…I just block and avoid now, no big problems. I see what they are, and I don’t want them in my life. Nothing to feel bad about for me, I appreciate how you feel, but don’t feel bad for me. I learned to work around them, like my mother. In the end of her life, she was even trying to reach me through other people, because she couldn’t reach me herself. I cut her off, like I cut them off and I will cut my husband off too. My Savior is a mean wolf, when she needs to be and even my husband will tell you, she’s mean, when you push her. He would know, he enjoys pushing me. He just thinks I’ll keep taking it. Time will tell, it always does. Xx

          2. Rebecca says:

            Hi LET,

            In the beginning of the marriage, I felt upset because there was a lot of fighting amongst the family and I didn’t understand the family back them. I just kept it to myself and tried to fix the issues. Back then it was difficult, now I know and now, I leave or don’t get involved. It’s simple now. No more trying to fix it, no more trying to hear everyone’s side of the story, no more bs. It’ll be even better, when I don’t even have to deal with MLSOMATIC either. Xx

          3. Rebecca, I’m glad to hear you are taking the bull by the horns in managing your husband’s family. That takes real strength to not fall in with what they want, and that includes your mother. It’s not easy because the perception of that is we are ‘mean’ and no doubt there’s plenty a smear that could be created around that scenario. It takes a tough skin to reject that notion and carry on, and I applaud your ability to do so. That’s the kind of strength or toughness that will eventually get you to where you need to be and I hope that day comes soon 🙂

      2. Rebecca says:

        I can imagine what you’d do, if he slurped cereal around you. 😆 I think the bowl would end up in the middle of his throat, either through his throat or down it. 😆 Sorry, my dark humour….xx

        He said something yesterday, that made me tell him, that he’s a cold fish. He puffed up, like he was proud. He said, he didn’t feel bad for his step-dad because he felt he deserved what he got and he had it coming.
        I stay away from his family, his step-dad, 2 brothers, 2 sons and his daughter. I only see his daughter to pick up her kid and then I leave asap. I didn’t think such a toxic family could exist , but apparently, according to you, a family can have a lot of narcs in it. That feeling I got every time I would visit his family, walking into the hornets nest, was very accurate indeed…eye opening. Thank you HG xx

        1. A Victor says:

          Rebecca, that’s crazy, I never expected to “meet” someone who understood about cereal slurping! Oh, that one was the one that popped into my mind first thing on reading this article! It was the worst! I don’t even know how he did it! I couldn’t bring myself to look.

          1. Rebecca says:

            Hi AV,

            I’m laughing at your comment, yes! Slurping food drive me nuts! OMG! I can’t stand that noise! I think he knows I’m noise sensitive to certain noises and he just enjoys doing it. If we go out to eat, he’ll use a spoon and fork to eat spaghetti with, but at home, he slurps it and only uses a fork. I just want to scream, when he slurps…sounds like a dog eating it’s ass, just gross image. I’m releived to know you understand how I feel. Xx

          2. Rebecca says:

            Hi AV and Leigh,

            I’m going to start over on my plans for the roommate I was looking to move in with. She was asking too much for rent, she smokes in her home and I wasn’t willing to give her that much of my earned money and smell like cigarettes because im living with her. I know some might be in disagreement with my decision, but as HG told me, it’s my life, my choice. I have to live it, so I know what I’m willing to deal with and not deal with. Smelling cigarettes all the , while living there, is not something I care to live with. I don’t like smelling cigarettes, much less smelling like cigarettes, my nose and sinuses would hate me and I’d get sinus headaches too…not worth paying that much money and still being miserable. Anyway, I looked to my best friend, she seems to think her ADHD daughter would drive me nuts and thinks I wouldn’t be happy there. So, on to plan C and move on. I don’t have the luxury of finding a place on my own, not with prices going up on everything. An apartment is over $1400 now and studios are rare to find. If I find a studio, and I’m looking now, I’m getting a 9mm gun for protection, not even going to ponder that one. What I’m not doing is living here for the rest of my life. Please if anyone has negative comments, please keep them to themselves, thanks. Xx

          3. Leigh says:

            Hi Rebecca,
            Don’t beat yourself up. I love cigarettes (currently I’m a non smoker but I still love them) and I wouldn’t want to live in a house with cigarette smoke either. Even when I did smoke, I smoked outside and only used one specific jacket and hung it away from my other jackets. Its a filthy habit.

            I’m in a similar boat as you. The rent here is astronomical and it keeps going up. I’m considering moving out of state. Part of my problem is I struggle to make moves on my own. I’ve been a passenger in my own life. I’m learning this about myself. I wait for things to happen and then I jump into action. I’m getting better at it though. I have a savings account that’s only in my name and I’ve been saving for about a year now. I opened a credit card in my name only. I’ve got my important documents in order. Maybe others move quicker than us, but that’s ok. We all move at our own pace. To some that might mean I’m enabling you. To me, it means I understand and I support. We all just have to live and let live.

            I’m rooting for you though, Rebecca! You got this!

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