Knowing the Narcissist : Shelf Life : What’s Going On?
Life on the shelf.
The position of the Intimate Partner Secondary Source
Other commentators talk about the standard cycle of the narcissist being idealisation, then devaluation, then dis-engagement (or discard) and then hoovering. This is just one dynamic of many. None realise that there are many other dynamics and one in particular which is of considerable concern is in respect of those individuals who are Intimate Partner Secondary Sources (which includes Dirty Little Secrets) who are treated by the narcissist and ONLY the narcissist in a shelf manner.
Making sense of this interaction and also what is going to happen to you within the ´wheels within wheels´situation of a narcissist´s fuel matrix is not addressed elsewhere. For those of you who are in or believe you are in a shelf scenario, where you feel you are picked up and put down, treated like an afterthought, seen as a side piece, The Other Man or Woman, a mistress or booty call, this Logic Bulletin is absolutely for you.
This Logic Bulletin details a series of scenarios concerning you as an IPSS and the narcissist, including
- What will happen to you? Will you always be treated in a shelf manner?
- Will you become the Candidate IPSS and if so, in what circumstances?
- Will you ever become the IPPS and if so, in what circumstances?
- Why are you not becoming the Candidate IPSS?
- Who else might be in the fuel matrix?
- What is happening with you when there is an IPPS already in place?
- What happens with you if the IPPS escapes?
- What happens with you if the narcissist disengages from the IPPS?
- Could there be other IPSS´in the picture? How to know and what this means?
- What if there is no visible IPPS? Why are you not being made into the IPPS.
Through detailed scenarios set out over two audio files delivered by email, HG Tudor provides you with his accurate insight so you can understand shelf life so you can then make informed decisions with regard to your next steps and gain answers to everything you wanted to know about life on the shelf.
To access this extremely helpful material, which is available at just US $ 29.99, use this link
27 thoughts on “Knowing the Narcissist : Shelf Life : What’s Going On?”
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And……where did we get the idea of marriage and being with only one person for the rest of one’s life, causing shame and ridicule for those who are perceived to have faltered in it’s ideals?
Who sold society as a whole that concept as a seemingly effective means of control?
Why would you even care if you’re happy to be the dirty bit on the side? Clearly you have no respect for yourself nor anybody else. Your happy to play the game so suffer the consequences. A bit to late to start worrying about what comes next. It’s everything you deserve.
If you’re going to think you are so superior to people, you should at least learn to spell, Tom. The women you are criticising appear to be twice as smart as you. Is that why you’re so angry? Because not only are they better than you but they won’t give you the time of day? Your comments are misogynistic and quite revolting.
Annaamel, I don’t think Thomas’s comments are in any way superior, nor do I think there is any reason to bash him just for stating his opinion. He in no way comes across as angry. I fully applaud and very much agree with everything Thomas has said. The old saying ‘those who live in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones’ comes to mind. I know you will probably disagree with what I have said, and that is okay, but I very much think the tone of your comment, the comment itself, and your accusations within, are bang out of order.
Best,
DB
I bet Thomas/Tom speaks to a female ex/ current partner, in the few comments of his I’ve seen, or his mom. Maybe she’s earned it.. maybe not.
Thomas/Tom, who inspires your comments?
Great question CP. Aiming for clarity and understanding of the source can be quite useful.
NA,
I don’t know if you’re aware but Tom has been posting for almost a year on narcsite. He’s never responded to anyone who has ever replied to him or asked him a question. His posts regarding women who the narcissist has been entangled with have always included smears, while other posts alternatively praise H.G. or say how awful narcissists’ lives must be or how awful narcissists are.
My impression is he reads a post (perhaps is alerted to their arrival because they are always newly published) then adds a comment and does not return to those comments sections.
He also views videos and comments on YouTube under an elongated version of his name, with the comments bearing the same characteristics as those here, and even here he’ll sometimes post under variations of Tom, like Thomas or Master Tom or even Tim.
He’s been given predominantly affirming responses here and only a few posters, myself included, have ever remonstrated with him. I’ve done so twice directly – in a year.
I agree with giving posters a bit of room to exorcise some frustrations, but I do think an ongoing barrage of smearing with no engagement with anyone who might fit the description of a person who has been entangled with a narcissist doesn’t allow for much growth and instead just worsens the environment for others.
But it also seems that not many find his posts as unpleasant as I do (and I’ve not even been entangled in a relationship with a narcissist).
It’s also strange to me that there are posters on the blog who engage with others and show empathy who are regularly remonstrated with by other readers while Tom is free to express whatever he feels he needs to. I suspect it’s because Tom is annoying but ultimately unable to destabilise the blog, whereas others are deemed to be able to do so, at least somewhat.
annaamel
CP asked who inspires Tom’s comments.
I stated that questions aiming for clarity and understanding of the source can be quite useful.
I am fully aware of Tom’s posts. I am interested in what informs them, and CP’s question facilitated an opportunity for further insight if he chose to answer this time. That does not equate to judgement or support.
I’m surprised at your addressing of my comment to CP (although you are certainly welcome to and I take no offence). Only since very recently you have used such information (a person’s past and experiences as possible source) in an attempt to explain away what many other posters find to be annoying and unpleasant comments and behaviour on the blog, and over a much longer period of time.
Why would identifying the possible underlying cause of (perceived) unpleasant and provocative comments and behaviours be more valid in that case than in Tom’s?
Annamel, I noted in your comment that Tom doesn’t reply to others. I don’t know whether it’s for the same reason but I too am guilty of that. I don’t receive notifications if replies to me so unless I stumble on them there won’t be a reply. If I see a reply to me, I always respond though. Perhaps Tom has a similar issue? WP also won’t allow me to like the comments of others.
Duchessbea.
You may percieve Thomas’s comments differently. That is your opinion, but please do no invalidate Annamel’s opinion. Your whole post is gaslighting and invalidation towards Annaamel.
Firstly Thomas is a grown man and can defend himself.
Secondly Annaamel is allowed to have an opionion of her own without her feelings being invalidated.
I do not think her comment is bang out of order. She expressed an emotion in her post.
Reading Thomas’s comment he is blaming the victim. “You get what you deserve?”
Really? Seriously? Narcissists lie to ensnare their victim. That is exactly what the are a victim. They are so good at it they manage to get others to join in and destroy their victim through manipulation “Flying Monkey”
Thomas did some victim blaming. Annaamel dared to stand up to it.
I have seen this many times before.
“Take my abuse or feel my wrath”
“How dare you stand up to me, feel my fury”
Anna, you can’t speak on behalf of Thomas, annaamel or me. If Thomas felt that way, and you don’t agree, that is okay. I’m sure he won’t be offended. He is allowed to have an opinion and if his opinion doesn’t agree with your way of thinking that is fine. In the adult grown up world, you will often find people agree and disagree. As for me, my approach to annaamel’s comment was purely based on the way it was written and the wording used. She can of course not agree with Thomas and what he has written, but there are ways and means of doing so. To attack and bash the comment in the manner in which she did, I don’t agree with. This is a blog for everyone to comment on. I agree with some of the things that you say as well, you point your point across very eloquently and diplomatically, and as I said I agree with quite a number of points that you have made. But what I don’t agree with is the outright verbal rhetoric that annaamel said to Thomas. Thomas doesn’t know what annaamel’s history, or who she has been ensnared with, or if she has been ensnared. There are ways and means of getting your point across without being a bull in a china shop. If HG had a problem with it, he would say so. Lastly, I’m noticing on various different posts of people who don’t agree with various other different people’s comments and are throwing about that these people are all narcs. Doing this undermines the work and confidence of people who are trying to learn and understand what they have been ensnared with and in no way helps their path of understanding. It would make them question advise that HG has given them and whether they are narcs or empaths. People need to stop being so blase with throwing out the narc comment when it suits them, just because someone else has not agreed with their comment. It is very childish, immature, and shows a lack of understanding in what you are reading and learning about in HG’s work, and certainly makes me, and I am sure other people question if you truly are an empath.
Best,
DB
Hi DB,
You are correct. I disagree with you.
I have read your opinion of women who are mistresses of married men in other threads. You view them very negatively.
Women who have affairs with married men have made no promise to their spouse to be faithful. They are not breaking anyone’s trust or betraying anyone they have given a vow of loyalty to. I don’t think it’s great conduct but if the married men didn’t participate in these affairs then there would be nothing happening.
But more importantly, when i form judgements I judge people on their characters. I look at whether they are generous, open minded, kind, honest, fair and considerate. I also think it’s important to know a bit more about context before rushing to judgement. If I couldn’t know all those things, I’d reserve judgement.
When someone judges a woman very harshly simply because she’s had an affair with a married man, without knowing anything about her, I consider that inappropriate, biased, and unfair. Calling them ‘the dirty bit’ and saying they deserve whatever consequence befall them is even more unacceptable, imo.
I agree! Even though I´m a (progressive) Christian and of course not a big fan of affairs. I don´t think it´s a good way and I don´t think it´s the right way, BUT: Who does not make mistakes? Who does not stumble and fall? Who does not fall into a trap once in a while? We are only human beings! The psyche of a human being is way too complex, just to simply judge. There are so many reasons why a person starts an affair. Of course it´s not the way to go (in my humble opinion) but who knows why? There can be 1.000 reasons, who are we to judge?
Tom doesn’t make mistakes! Be like Tom.
annaamel, DB & whoever else is out there in blog land who thinks this might be relevant to them and/or their opinions/judgments ..
I had an absolutely incredible time during a long term affair with a married man for almost two years when I was in my early 20s. He was about 10 years older.
After a long term “office” flirtation and undeniable attraction, it was I who initiated the affair – so bold. I can still remember and feel how nervous I was. I do not regret it though .. not one bit.
At that stage in my life I definitely wanted and would have pursued a fully fledged relationship with him (i.e. sans wife), but unsurprisingly that was not what happened. With hindsight, it was clear that it would not have been a good outcome .. for reasons to do with my age, inexperience and in terms of his situation also.
But we both enjoyed and immensely exciting and lovely time .. and to this day he is the only man that I still regularly have a particular “type” of dream about.
Friendly advice: There are also some Mid Rangers here who think they´re Empaths. I don´t wanna diagnose anybody, or point on anybody. But I´ve been reading and commenting this blog for a couple of years now and it´s not uncommon to have Mid Rangers here. 😉
Leela Z you are indeed correct.
Seriously, it is like dealing with the mean girls. Yes, I did not agree with a comment, but that’s life. Get over it. So childish is your response to the narc comment that is bandied about when it suits because someone has not agreed with your comment. We are not wallflowers on this blog, some people are going to agree with comments, and some people won’t. To berate and bash someone with an accusatory manner is appalling behaviour. Everyone is here for a reason and people need to respect other peoples views whether they like them or not. I am getting tired of reading silly comments that if someone doesn’t agree with someone else’s comment that they must be a narc, and I have seen that against various different people on various different posts. Yes there are narcs floating around, and they usually give themselves away very quickly, HG will be onto them straight away. But seriously, for the rest of us, who is anyone on this blog to judge anyone else????? To belittle and demean just to make themselves feel good? Remind you of anyone? Goodness, we are all adults. About time to act like it and show respect to others and not abuse with childish, throwaway comments.
Best,
DB
Duchessbea
We are all God’s children. We have a free will and decide whether we are good or bad. (Unless of course we have an underlying mental illness like schizophrenia where we are not responsible for our actions)
Going back to the topic, shelf life. Well yes, people are warned about getting into a relationship with someone who is married. The thing is, with narcissists, they lie, deceive and ensnare their victims with false promises. They create a facade. Through the love bombing the victim falls helplessly in love with the narcissist. Love is cruel and love is blind.
To say they get what they deserve is very mean, of course this is just my opinion. The person has been lied to and deceived.
There is a very good series at the moment on Paramount +
It is based on the film “Fatal Attraction”
Alex has the symptoms of borderline and Dan is obviously a narcissist. It is very good indeed.
It is not always empaths that are the victims of narcissists. In a way Neurotypicals are at an advantage as they know when to say no and are less likely to fall for the BS from a narcissist.
I never said I was an empath. HG is an expert on empaths as he prefers them as a partner/victim. Some narcissists prey on the mentally ill. The cerebral narcissist even sometimes prefers borderline or sociopathic partners to create a feeling of moral superiority.
Yes people should be kinder to each other Duchessbea, and civil, this is correct.
All of us should turn away from the darkness and embrace the light. We should go out and admire the beauty of nature more. Just simple things like listening to the sound of the sea, the birds, and the wind blowing through the trees.
All of us are here to heal and gain information from HG’s work.
We have all had enough pain and need to heal.
Anna, I very much agree with a lot of what you say. My original comment written in the defence of Thomas was purely from the point of view that he seemed to be writing from someone who has been hurt. I don’t know Thomas, or what his story is, but what I can say, like what you have said, we are all here for a reason, to learn and to heal. When you first arrive to HG’s blog it can be overwhelming and you can feel somewhat lost while trying to understand what you have been ensnared with. In the ideal world it would be great if there were no narcissists. But as there are, it is great to have this blog to get much needed advice from HG, to help you to heal, and also to discuss, and get advice with everyone else on the blog, read their stories, share advice to help heal, and know you can feel safe talking with others on this blog and not have people judge you. This blog is very much something of a safe haven. It helps very much.
Best,
DB
I’ll form my own opinion, thanks though.
Wow, if things would be so easy, Tom! But they are not. Human nature and the human psyche is highly complex. WAY too complex to make such a simple statement. There are zilliions of reasons why a person is willing to do such things, even though it´s just for the moment, or just for a short period of time. Who are we to judge? Mistakes and missteps are part of human nature. Or are YOU free of any flaws? Of course not. The most important thing is to learn from ones own mistakes and not make them again.
Another important thing to remember is that everyone here is on a journey and a lot of that journey is about self discovery particularly after finding out what you have been with. When you know you go. Then you start the processing, the understanding, the awakening. While we know of some peoples stories and why they are here, some people are very quick to judge and criticize if they see comments that don’t agree with what they think. Everyone is on a different journey and at a different stage in that journey. Some people are more advanced on that journey and others are still in the processing stage. While empaths are here to learn, we are all very aware of narcs floating about and giving there two cents when it suits. Generally just to provoke and cause havoc. No one knows where Thomas is on his journey or if he even is on a journey to awareness. But to bash someone because he gave his views on a particular story is not on. I’m not saying there is any type of feminist movement here, but jeez, a man is allowed to write his opinion. Just because you are responding to his opinion behind the comfort of your laptop doesn’t give you the right to demean and say hateful rhetoric. Would you say those comments to him in person? Given what I have read, perhaps you would. Kindness costs nothing. Take a seat and pipe down.
Best,
DB
I don´t see any judgement or “hateful” comment from me. It´s a simple fact that sometimes there are some Mid Rangers here and one should be careful. Just a simple fact.
I’m a feminist, DB. I would never accept comments like this in real life. I personally don’t know any men who talk the way Tom does about women in his many posts. I socialise with men who respect women and don’t think of them in such negative terms. I hold the person who made the vow of fidelity most responsible regardless of gender but I also recognise relationships are complex and imperfect and I can’t know the full story of why people have relationships outside their marriages. Tom doesn’t only disparage women who get involved with married men, he disparages any woman who has sex before meeting and marrying a good man. And his comments are unpleasant.
How sometimes you become a “side thing”, or a DLS.
A narcissist fills out a profile on a dating site, you meet and he doesn’t tell you why he’s on a dating site. You assume he’s single looking for love. An Empath falls in love, as empaths do, hearing all the sob stories. Then the Empath finds out there’s a baby mama and babies.
The Empath thinks still that they entered a relationship with a single person and despite there being another woman (who he separated from), this relationship is the legitimate one. It’s complicated. But valid.
Then the narcissist goes back to baby mama. Your love remains and it hurts now.
Who is to blame here?
Maybe the baby mama is an influential politician and holds the purse strings. But she’s a malignant psychopath.
Maybe the narcissist is really her victim trying to get out but the family & financial ties are too tempting.
So this is how an Empath becomes a side thing or a DLS.
Dear Thomas,
My ‘feeling’ is, you’ve been hurt, badly, ….. and still hurting.
Give it time ☺️