The Errors of the Ignorant – No. 5

PERHAPSIF YOUTRIED TO BEMOREUNDERSTANDING

A series based on the comments made by people who fail to understand the true nature of narcissists and the narcissistic dynamic. Whilst these comments may be well-intentioned, they are incorrect, perpetuate misunderstandings and in many cases create false hope, dashed expectations and perilous outcomes.

“Perhaps if you tried to be more understanding.”

You are at your wit’s end. You are in devaluation at the hands and tongue of one of our kind. Nothing makes sense. You are told that we love you on Saturday and then on Sunday you are berated as a whore and you have no comprehension as to why. You are lambasted repeatedly through the imposition of name-calling, physical violence, triangulation, unfavourable comparisons, silent treatments and more. You may hear sentences such as:-

“I am sick of you trying to make me look bad.”

“Why will you never just do what I want to do? Why does it always have to be about you?”

“Stop talking over me. I can never make myself heard around you.”

“If you loved me, you would do it.”

“Why can’t you just leave me alone?”

“Why won’t you be more supportive?”

“You never help me anymore.”

There are thousands of similar comments and the worst of it makes no sense. Let’s return to each of these comments and accusations and beneath them detail what you have been actually doing and therefore this is why your confusion has arisen.

“I am sick of you trying to make me look bad.”

You do not recall ever having said anything bad about us, on the contrary you are also telling us how brilliant we are and you say this about us to other people. You never speak beyond the home about our horrible behaviours.

“Why will you never just do what I want to do? Why does it always have to be about you?”

You always do what we want. You cannot recall the last time you chose what we did or even did something on your own which you wanted to do. In fact, you find yourself always pandering to what we want.

“Stop talking over me. I can never make myself heard around you.”

You do not do this or if you have once in a while it is only because you are trying to make yourself heard as we keep ignoring you.

“If you loved me, you would do it.”

You do love us. You tell us this every day.

“Why can’t you just leave me alone?”

You give us time and space to do our own things but then we complain that you do not spend enough time with us.

“Why won’t you be more supportive?”

You are always looking out for us, looking after us and caring for us.

“You never help me anymore.”

You feel like an indentured servant.

The reality of what you experience does not accord at all with what we are describing but you just cannot understand why we are saying these things. Your head is spinning, you know we are not stupid but each time you try to show us that you do help us out, that you are supportive and so forth, you are accused of provoking an argument, of trying to control us or making us look bad. You try to explain, appease and apologise but it just seems to lead to more arguments or us storming off and disappearing. You are at your wit’s end.

You finally discuss this perplexing situation to someone else and they offer the advice that perhaps you just need to be more understanding. You feel like already are very understanding, but as an empathic person you are not only committed to making this relationship work, you are also willing to try more, try harder and try, try and try. Your advisor has explained that it might be that we struggle to convey how we really feel, that our words are not exactly what we are feeling and that it is a case of giving us time to express ourselves and by being more understanding we will finally understand what it is that is causing the problem. This makes sense to you because you are an understanding person and because you have not been able to understand so far, then why not try some more and perhaps you will make the breakthrough. It finally adds up and of course, desperate to make sense of this bewildering situation you are willing to try.

It will not work.

You are attempting to understand something which you cannot understand because you and your advisor have not grasped who it is you are dealing with. One of our kind. This means that you do not realise that we approach the world from the Narcissistic Perspective, using Toxic Logic. This makes perfect sense to us, but is perplexing to you. You cannot equate our behaviours to what you see and hear in front of us but neither will you, because you do not know what we are.

You do not realise that we must draw fuel. You do not realise that we must maintain the upper hand at all times. You do not realise that narcissistic criticism wounds us. You are unaware of the three types of interaction as described in Fuel, Fight or Flight. Since you do not realise that these are the pertinent considerations you do not grasp that when we perceive you as not paying us attention, our fury is ignited and we lash out by claiming that you do not support us.

You do not understand that we ignore the fact that you are supportive because in that moment we need fuel and if this means being contradictory and hypocritical, then so be it. You do not realise that we compartmentalise so that what happened yesterday is separate, distinct and not linked to what is happening now. You look for consistency, evidence supporting the proposition or rejecting our allegation. We do not look at it in this way and the more you try to understand and in turn the more you try to get us to understand, the more you fail to get anywhere.

You will keep applying your logic. You will keep thinking we must surely see what you are referring to. You will expect us to approach the situation from your perspective and this is completely wrong.

Once you understand our perspective, flawed and fucked-up as it may appear, you make a massive breakthrough. Suddenly you realise why we flare up over (apparently) nothing. Now you understand why we change our stance in the blink of an eye. Now you make sense of our (apparently) disproportionate response. You still think it is bizarre, ridiculous and astonishing but now you get it and the relief is incredible.

Unfortunately for you, you listened to the wrong advisor who does not know what we are and does not understand us. Instead, they suggest you try to be more understanding and you may as well flog a dead horse for all their mis-guided advice will achieve for you.

 

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Further Confessions of a Narcissist

Further Confessions SolidFurther confessions from the dark-hearted narcissist.

Learn more about the world of HG Tudor and his background.

Why does he exhibit his attitude to money? What is his response to the question of your needs? Did he ever actually love you? What was that which he showed you during your dance with him? How does he know so quickly who will provide him with the most potent fuel? These questions and many others are answered in this unforgettable foray into the mind and behaviours of a narcissist.

 

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UK E-book here

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Malign Hoover Campaign

MALIGN HOOVER CAMPAIGN

For the forty-second day in a row you arrive at work and find that there is an offensive voicemail waiting for you.

“You left without paying and you will soon do so you fucking bitch. Nobody leaves without paying. Understand?”

You replace the handset and feel the sick sensation rising inside you again. Why does this keep happening. You do not recognise the voice, in fact is sounds somehow synthesised or distorted, no doubt to mask who it is. Notwithstanding this, you know where this message came from. All forty-two messages will be from the same source. The messages are always left on your work voicemail, never anywhere else. They are left at different times, always different times but at some point between 9pm and 6am, accordingly you are never at your desk when the message comes in. You would deactivate your voicemail but you need it and of course I know this. That is why the messages are always left there. You have changed your work telephone number three times and you really do not want to ask the infrastructure team to have to do it again. You saw the eye-rolling last time. It is not as if they cannot believe you, you have played the messages to them but you know what they are thinking.

“Deal with it, it is just some crank who will tire of it soon enough.”

Well six weeks have passed and there is no sign of tiring, no a sniff of fatigue. The messages are as savage and as vitriolic as usual. You changed the number but still the messages got through. Someone here is obviously telling me about the changes. Who could it be? Someone in the infrastructure team? Your secretary? Another colleague? So many potential suspects but then you always did wonder why I took such an interest in meeting so many people from where you worked. So many people to choose from, to recruit, to ensure one or more has become a lieutenant and ready to assist me in my work. It could anybody out of twenty people and you cannot go around accusing them without some concrete evidence. You can imagine the reaction if you did this and also the repercussions with human resources. This is another fact that we know and wish to exploit.

You tried to ignore the messages but after fourteen days of it, with the messages making threats about retribution and revenge you eventually confronted us. We pleaded innocence and told you that we would not do something like that. We looked shocked and concerned but then we would since you took a witness with you Still we enjoyed the fuel from you turning up at our door. We tried to get you to come in so we could discuss it further but you must have been alerted to the whine of the hoover as you stood firm. There is time yet. There is always time. We know that your defences can be breached. You just showed us this to be the case and therefore we will keep pressing, probing and looking for that opportune moment.

The messages tend to stick to a theme of punishing you and that is what makes you think it is me. You hoped your pleas on the fourteenth day went heeded, that even though we had denied it, you were on to us. The next morning you saw the red light flashing on your ‘phone indicating that you had a voicemail message from overnight. You toyed with getting someone else to listen but then it might be something else so you dialled the code and listened.

“Think you can stop the punishment do you? Never. You have sinned and you must atone.”

You sat down and began to cry as the words, each one spat out in a staccato style had their effect. You begged for a truce. Why would we agree to that when we know the effect that our words will be having on you. We may not be able to see you as you receive each one, every morning, but we know you well enough. We know you will be angered and then shocked and nervous, dreading accessing your voicemail box. We need not see your reaction. It is enough for us to know how you will be reacting and thus we achieve our aim of garnering fuel from you.

By the twenty-third day you had involved infrastructure in trying to trace where the call was coming from but they drew a blank. By the thirty-seventh day you had opted to call in her majesty’s finest to solve the problem. You had saved all the messages and handed over the audio file of this disembodied voice. You somehow managed to persuade the police to visit me and I was of course most co-operative and charming. I let them look through my call list on my mobile phone which had no evidence on it. I even produced evidence that demonstrated that I could not have made those calls even if I had wanted to on several of the nights in question and that convinced them that they were barking up the wrong tree. Of course they were, you do me a dis-service if you think I would get my hands dirty with this particular campaign. I have others to do this for me, to avoid detection and still I get to gather the fuel as I picture your frightened and shocked reaction as I still manage to penetrate your attempts to evade me.

You are wondering when it will end. Surely I will not keep this up forever? Surely I will move on to someone else and be preoccupied with them? I have someone else and they are far better than you but you still deserved to be tormented and tortured for your treachery and your deceit. You deserve to be punished. You think it must end soon. I know it won’t. Not while you continue to give me what I want. In addition, I know I have the ace up my sleeve that I can use the ending of this campaign as a way to bring you back into the fold. If you give you and me another chance, this can all stop can’t it? Make it go away by just accepting my terms and you can bring this campaign to an end. It is not time for that yet however. I feel no need to bring you back as my primary source. I have one in place, no thanks to your sudden treachery. No, there is much mileage in this malign hoovering for some time yet. This will not be ending soon.

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The Narcissist’s Need For Recognition

THE NARCISSIST'SNEEDFORRECOGNITION

“Do you know who I am?”

A sentence often issued by the floundering Z-list celebrity who is trying to cross the velvet rope and be admitted to a special event or the VIP area of a club or restaurant. The demand to be recognised so that special treatment is afforded and it is expected as of right. This is a sentence which may as well be playing on a loop through our minds, each day and every day, because no matter what situation we are in, who we are with and where we find ourselves we expect to be recognised. It is not the recognition of our name, putting the name to the face and understanding who we are in that sense. It is the appreciation of our standing as special and important individual. A person who is better than you, better than him or her or them. This desire to always be recognised for how remarkable we are, that our treatment should always be preferential to that of anyone else is something that is always with us.

When we rise in the morning and we open our eyes, our gaze falling on your besides us, do you know who we are? Why are you not doing something which accords with my status? You ought to be awake. You should be attending to me, providing me with fuel as soon as my eyes open. Why are you not doing this? Do you not understand how important I am? Make me feel important? A slight push on your shoulder and you mumble. Another gentle push and your eyes open and as your vision comes into focus you see us looking at you and generous soul that you are you smile, your eyes brighten and you place a hand on our arm. The first fuelled flames of the day begin to rise as you have recognised how important we are.

Over breakfast we demand that you know who we are? Our favourite food ought to be ready. Oh good, you have done so. It is clear how much you think of us to ensure that our desired cereal or fried breakfast is ready and waiting for us. You have recognised our need and through this gesture you have reinforced our importance. Of course there will be no thanks given to you automatically. Why should we do so? After all, this is what is expected of you. Through word, gesture and deed you are expected to recognise our brilliance throughout the day. This is crucial to our existence. In our minds a fanfare plays as we walk down the stairs. The children line up to pay homage to the kind as he sweeps into the kitchen. Even the dog should sit obediently and recognise that a prince amongst men has entered the room. We feel magnanimous, already fuelled by your first gesture and the receipt of several praising messages on our secreted phone which we checked as we busied ourselves in the bathroom. We pat the children on the head and give you a kiss on the cheek. See how generous we are? How fortunate are you to be the recipients of such spending golden glory. Do you know how many people want to look upon us, to reach out and touch us, their trembling fingers brushing against our clothing and skin. Do you know who we are?

As we exit the house and see a neighbour we expect recognition but there is none forthcoming. Rather than regard this as an oversight, the neighbour was looking at his roses rather than at us, we are irritated by this failure to recognise us and there is the slightest of wounds caused by this criticism. The first knot of fury unloosens and we are about to call out across the street to gain his attention and ensure that due homage is paid to us when our mobile ‘phone rings and we see it is a friend, a member of the inner circle who is calling. Our expectation of further recognition rises with this telephone call and it does not disappoint.

In our world we are the monarch striding through his kingdom, making his Grand Progress. We process and expect all around to bow, to curtsey, to doff caps and tug forelocks in a demonstration of fealty and worship. The lesser of our kind are not aware of this need like we greaters. The lesser cannot bear to suffer being ignored, not made to feel special or noticed. They do not know this is what they cannot bear, they just know the restlessness, the irritation and then the fury as the criticism mounts. They see nothing wrong in banging their cutlery on the table to gain attention. Should you ever challenge that behaviour and point out that they are attention-seeking, they lose sight of the issue being pointed our because your challenge in itself is a failure to recognise the lesser’s elevated status and all talk of attention-seeking will be lost as he or she lashes out at you in order to achieve fuel from you. The mid-range of our kind and especially the greater know that we want to be recognised, we know that the irritation and then the fury comes from the failure to pay heed to how special we are. It need not be anybody telling us as such, it need only be an appreciate nod of recognition or a warm-natured “hello” but to us that equates to recognition of our elevated status. Of course, should our achievements and accomplishments be lauded as they ought to, then this is even better.

In our world homage must be paid by all those we come into contact with and repeatedly by those who are closest to us. A failure to do so, however slight, will result in the issuing of a criticism against us. The outcome is the ignition of our fury with us lashing out, doling out a silent treatment or withdrawing. This is why you can be sat in a beautiful field on a sunny day, having enjoyed a walk by the river and now a picnic and all of a sudden a barbed comment comes out of nowhere. You do not understand where it has come from but it is likely to have been the fact that you offered the butter to somebody before us and in turn failed to recognise us. I know you regard such behaviour as petty, but that is all it takes for the irritation to manifest. It can easily be assuaged by the prompt application of fuel rather than annoying us further by asking where on earth did that come from and challenging us further. I know you will regard such a state of affairs as ridiculous, I have heard it many times, but that is the way we have been created and of course, even though we never tell you what it is, we expect you to recognise it.

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Read and understand all about narcissists from the best source possible. A narcissist himself.

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