You have been invited to a social event. Perhaps it is a birthday party, a wedding anniversary dinner, a BBQ or drinks at a friends. You are no longer in a Formal Relationship with the narcissist, but you know that he is likely going to be there. It might be that a mutual friend feels it is only fair to invite you both, it might be that you both said yes before the Formal Relationship ended. It may be the case that you have received confirmation that the narcissist is going to attend. What do you do?
For most, this situation creates anxiety, dread and an immediate desire to not attend. However, you may not want to (or even feel you can) let down the host. It may also be the case that you are determined not to let the narcissist ‘get one over you’ by you crying off, no matter how upset and perplexed you remain, how hurt or angry you are. You have drawn a line in the sand and decided you will now make the decisions as to what you do or do not do and you will not take the narcissist into account any longer.
Whether determined or dread-filled, there will be anxiety and apprehension as to what is going to happen when you are in close proximity again, perhaps for the first time since the Formal Relationship. What can you expect to happen and what can you do? There are numerous scenarios to consider.
The Hoover Trigger and the Hoover Execution Criteria
You should note that seeing you again post dis-engagement or post escape amounts to a hoover opportunity and therefore whether the hoover will be executed against you depends on the Hoover Trigger and the Hoover Execution Criteria. It is therefore worth a brief moment examining this as this will be applicable to the various scenarios which I will determine below.
Note whether you were the Intimate Partner Primary Source (“IPPS”), Shelf Intimate Partner Secondary Source (“IPSS”) or The Dirty Little Secret (“DLS”) the fact that you are attending the event amounts to a Hoover Trigger ( seeThe Spheres of Influence ) . Accordingly, the Hoover Trigger is activated. Consideration must then be given to the HEC and whether the hoover bar will be lowered or raised.
The fact that we are in close proximity to you, either sat at the same table, in the same room or at the same event means that there is very easy access to you, this means that the Hoover Bar will be lowered considerably;
What happened the last time we interacted? If you have no fuel or very little (and this has happened when we have sought to hoover you on previous occasion post cessation) then this will raise the hoover bar. If you gave fuel on previous occasions post cessation or we recall you gave a lot of fuel during the Formal Relationship then the hoover bar will be lowered;
What type of narcissist are we? The Greater means the bar is lowered, Mid-Range or Lesser and the Hoover Bar is raised slightly;
Are there any obstacles? Are you there with a new intimate partner? If so, this raises the bar (note this has no effect with a Greater);
Did you wound us the last time we engaged with you, for instance have you been ignoring us when we have hovered previously, did you escape from us, did you say or do something to wound us such as exposure? If there has been wounding, this will raise the hoover bar and make us wary. The greater the wounding, the higher the bar will go.
Will we have Lieutenants at this event? If so, this will lower the Hoover Bar as proxy hoovers are highly likely to test the ‘water’.
Thus these factors have to be taken all together to ascertain whether a hoover is likely or not. The more factors which lower the Hoover Bar the greater the likelihood of you being hovered and vice versa.
The Former Intimate Partner Primary Source
If you were the Former Intimate Partner Primary Source and the HEC are met then you will be hoovered. If we attend with a new IPPS (which is highly likely if you have been dis-engaged from) then you can expect us to parade this new person, make a great show of introducing them to other people whilst casting glances in your direction to check that you are seeing this show. We will talk loudly, laugh more than other people, be enthusiastic and ensure that you know we are there to heighten your discomfort.
Eventually we will approach you and introduce the new IPPS to you. You will be referred to as ‘someone that we used to know’ unless the IPPS knows you are a former IPPS. You can expect snide remarks, back-handed compliments and the like as we will not lash out (the façade is present of course) but we want to draw a reaction from you in order to gain fuel. We will appear pleasant but this is just to mask making you feel uncomfortable and anxious. Expect plenty of one-upmanship:-
“This is Former IPPS, she is in sales, this is New IPPS she manages a sales force of thirty people for Blue Chip Inc.”
“Oh hello, I am surprised to see you, I thought you were unwell, at least that is what I had been told. This is New IPPS, we have just come back from a weekend at the Hamptons.”
If we turn up without the IPPS (which could happen) then we will act in a similar way in showing off, showing you that we are contented, happy, living life to the full. Our new IPPS will be mentioned in glowing terms so you are within earshot. We will make our way around to you eventually and hoover you by speaking to you and appearing polite if other people are there, but largely dismissive of you. If there is nobody else listening and it is just us and you, then we will issue subtle malign hoovers in the hope of driving you to the toilets crying, reminding you of why we kicked you to one side. The higher the narcissist, the nastier these comments will be as your vulnerabilities and hurt are shoved in your face:-
“I see you are not with anyone. Hardly a surprise, you were lucky to have had me, but then you fucked that up with your hysterics.”
“I didn’t think Stacey would have invited you after the way you have been carrying on.”
“You look like you have gained ten pounds since I last saw you. All that comfort eating I guess.”
“Why haven’t you made an effort? This must be the tenth time I have seen you in this dress. Do you like my new shirt?”
“You are actually lucky new IPPS isn’t here, you’d have felt stupid next to her. Thank God I got rid of you.”
“I have had a bet with my Lieutenants that you will be drunk and blowing some waiter in the car park by midnight. I have fifty pounds riding on you, so don’t let me down. For once.”
The aim will be to draw fuel and of course any malign comments will be denied and you will be made to appear as a liar and/or hysterical.
The Shelf Intimate Partner Secondary Source
If you are currently on the shelf and we are there with the new IPPS, we will hoover you and it will be done in a benign way. We want to keep you available for taking off the shelf again at some future point and see no need to be malign. If you react unpleasantly to seeing us with someone else we will make great play of highlighting your jealousy and our entitlement
“We had a few dates but she became obsessed and wouldn’t let me alone. She seemed to think we were an item and I could not see someone else. I made it clear that was not the case but she is obviously crazy and has the wrong idea.”
You can expect you will be devalued in the exchange and then we will move away from you with the IPPS and you will then be dis-engaged with. You have just lost your shelf status.
If our IPPS is not with us, we will ensure that we keep you onside, we will downplay any suggestion from you (or more likely a third party) that we are with someone in order to ensure we can pick you up in the future if we so choose. However, as above, if you react badly to any suspicion we have an IPPS then we will devalue you and you will be dis-engaged from. You can expect that we will spend the evening occupied with giving you malign hoovers in order to draw fuel from you in the absence of the IPPS.
If the IPPS is not with us and you are pleasant throughout, we will hoover you in a benign way. We will not look to engage in any intimacy with you (since we have the new IPPS) but it makes sense for us to continue to keep you onside and draw positive fuel from you during the evening.
If you are not on the shelf and instead you were a Former Shelf IPSS who we dis-engaged from, then we are unlikely to engage direct with you because there will be a concern that you will cause trouble with our new IPPS. Accordingly, we will make great show of our new IPPS and ensure you notice (see above) so we gain some fuel but we will not introduce you to this new person (as part of continuing the Dis-Engagement Devaluation). We want to upset you and draw fuel from you, from a distance. If you decide to engage with us we will be polite and move away with the new IPPS. If you are awkward or unpleasant, expect a malign response from us, the utilisation of Lieutenants against you and smearing.
If you are not on the shelf and are a Former Shelf IPSS who we dis-engaged from and we have not attended with a new IPPS, then we will speak to you and be polite in order to gain positive fuel from you. Our hoovering will be benign for the purposes of gaining fuel but we will not attempt any intimacy (because we have the new IPPS). If you start to become troublesome, we will turn malign, smear and mobilise Lieutenants against you.
Dirty Little Secret
If you are a former dirty little secret that we have dis-engaged from then different considerations apply.
If we get wind before the event that you are attending it is extremely likely that we will hoover you BEFORE the event in order to warn you against attending. We may begin doing so on the basis of not wanting to hurt your feelings because we will be attending with the IPPS and therefore hope to dissuade you from attending. It has nothing to do with your feelings but instead we do not want you there because we are concerned you will cause a problem with the new IPPS as we will have been engaging with you when they were a Candidate IPSS and we do not want to risk them learning that this was the case. If the ‘pleasant’ approach does not dissuade you, we will issue you with threats and tell you that the host does not want you there and only invited you out of a sense of obligation (we may try to persuade the host not to invite you or tell you not to come).
If you still attend and we are there with the new IPPS we will stay out of your way. We will parade the IPPS around but not as blatantly as described above and we will be keeping an eye on your reactions ensuring that you do not cause us a problem with the new IPPS. You can expect baleful glares from afar and warning expressions. If possible, we may take you to one side and warn you to keep away or else.
If you try to engage with us and the new IPPS and do so politely without causing a problem, we will reciprocate. If you start to cause problems, we will either lash out in a malign manner (within the parameters of the façade of course) or we will withdraw telling the IPPS we are unwell or you are a stalker and it is better to leave. You will then receive malign hoovers thereafter for your audacity.
If we attend without the IPPS then we will not dissuade you beforehand. We will be unlikely to hoover because we see nothing to be gained from doing so (and we do not want anybody telling our IPPS that we were seen engaging with you). If you approach us, we will engage with you in a benign manner and it is likely that you will behave in such a way also because there is no IPPS. However, if you remain bristling because you were dis-engaged from and you start to question us or cause difficulties, we may well move you to one side to keep you under control and preserve the façade. If this is not working we will issue you with threats, smear you and use Lieutenants to draw negative fuel from you and nullify your attempts to smear and expose us.
Part Two will examine the above scenarios when you have escaped us.
Part Three will explain what you can do to protect yourself in these scenarios.
You are never immune to our kind. You will ALWAYS be susceptible to us because of your innate addiction to our kind. You cannot remove it and thus you will not achieve immunity. You must therefore always be resisting.
You can don the armour to protect yourself as fashioned through my works, but that armour does not give you permanent invulnerability. All armour must be updated, maintained and checked otherwise the shield splits, the chainmail links weaken and the breastplate shatters more readily.
If you think that you are immune to us, you are succumbing to emotional thinking. It wants you to think that you are immune because if that is what you think, then guess what you will do? You will either want to test your immunity or you will believe that you can engage with us in some way and therefore you are doing precisely what your emotional thinking wants you to do. It wants you to engage with us and it will find whatever way it can to make you do that.
You are not immune. You may very well be able to take a telephone call from us and not react to what we say you may even feel nothing for us – no pity, no love or no hate. That time. You may be able to take that second telephone call from us and feel the same way, but because you are not immune, the more you engage with us – whether this is thinking about us, talking about us, spending time with us – you will eventually fall prey to your emotional thinking to a greater extent.
The very fact you are engaging with us when you think that you are immune, means that your emotional thinking is working, because of course logic would tell you that you have no need to engage with us. Why then are you doing it? Because I want to show myself I will not react, I will not get drawn back in. That is emotional thinking. You are engaging with us and several things arise from this which are problematic. They may not appear problematic to you, because during that telephone call you feel in control, you did not get upset, you do not feel anxious any more, you do not feel anything for us, but you are creating problems.
- You will be providing us with fuel. It may be minimal but it will be there because you will not be able to maintain a neutral and flat tone throughout a conversation. Yes, you may be able to achieve this for a very short time and yes, you may not be giving much fuel, but it is there all the same. Thus, we are getting something we want.
- You are not rejecting us. By speaking to us you have signalled that you will answer the phone and engage. You may not be enthusiastic but you answered nevertheless. This provides us with encouragement.
- You are feeding your addiction and therefore your emotional thinking will want more and in its insidious way it will con you by telling you that you handled the call without any difficulty (it feels like this of course but it is not the case) and thus it will encourage you to do so again or encourage you to attend that social event where you know we will be there because you remain confident of being able to handle the situation. All you are doing is allowing the addiction to be fed and for the emotional thinking to surge until it overwhelms you (and it will) at a future point.
- You may well be feeding us useful information in the course of the conversation which we can use to our advantage.
Accordingly, by thinking you are immune and therefore thinking you can engage safely with us, you are creating risks and problems.
You have no need to engage with us.
You have no need to test your immunity because you are not immune. Understand this.
Instead, you can build your resistance. You are resistant but not immune. Some of you have a very low resistance, others far higher, but whichever it is, this resistance, just like the functioning of your own resistance to disease, can erode and weaken. The easiest way for this to happen is by repeatedly exposing yourself to engaging with us. The more you do so, you do not build your resistance but you weaken it. Of course, as I have explained above, you think you are becoming more resistant because you have an encounter with us and you walk away head held high thinking you handled it well. Superficially, yes, but beneath the surface, the problems I have detailed above are forming, waiting and growing ready to ensnare you.
By obeying this golden rule, you will avoid the complacency and risk which comes with thinking you are immune. Instead you will recognise you have resistance, you will understand that his resistance can be made stronger and can also be made weaker, so that with that logic defence established in your mind, you will work harder to avoid complacency and the problems that come with that.
Some of your resistance will be innate, but the majority of resistance is that which is learned and applied. You increase your resistance through reading and understanding, through the imposition of a solid no contact regime, by applying a rigorous purging of the emotional infection so it is driven to the lowest level and by the building of Logic Defences. Combining all of those elements will heighten your resistance, minimise weakening it, reduce the risk of using your resistance unnecessarily (which is of course a consequence of the impact of emotional thinking) and means that when a hoover happens to get through unexpectedly, that when you have those ‘bad days’ when you pine for us, your resistance will not be found wanting and you will repel the hoover, you will reject the emotional thinking which is straining to make you contact us and you will ensure that your resistance remains intact. Do not voluntarily test it, that is giving in to emotional thinking and taking an unnecessary risk – save its strength for when it is really needed because those moments will indeed come.
By applying the cornerstone elements from the paragraph above, their maintenance becomes easier, more natural and more instinctive and thus less arduous for you. You do not need to maintain a state of heightened vigilance, for that becomes draining, you will create a more-readily maintained defensive regime. Doing so little and often becomes far easier than a sudden overhaul when it is too late, which is invariably when complacency has already become the traitor who is unlocking the castle gates.
You are not immune.
You are always resisting.
Remember this and that resistance will achieve freedom and maintain it.
You do not give up easily do you? We are pleased that this is the case. You try to resurrect what we once had. You will look to resuscitate our relationship. You want to breathe new life into you and me. You want to salvage what you can from the wreckage and build something anew. You will not let the life slip from what we have, you will not step out of the tangled and twisted remains and walk away. No, you try. You try to make it work, you try to see what can be done, you try to sort things out. You try to make everything right again, you try to make us happy, you try to please us, how you try to please us. You try to fix us, you try to banish these demons which plague us, you try to shed light and joy. You try when everything seems lost, you try when all seems pointless and you try despite everything else suggesting that what we are is a lost cause. You try because you believe in hope.
But what is this hope that has you trying on a superhuman scale, which has you wiping away the tears, picking yourself up, dusting yourself down and standing up once more to try to do the right thing? If you were not with our kind but someone normal and the relationship was foundering would you try as you do with us? Of course you would try and steer the good ship towards calmer waters but you would not try to the same extent as you do with us. Where two people find they no longer have anything in common, they may be content to leave matters as they are and drift along in neutrality. It is not heady and wonderful but neither is it awful. Is beige such a terrible place to be? There is security, the children have grown up and you have your separate interests. There is no hatred, far from it, but neither is there passion any longer, but something in the middle. This is deemed as acceptable and you are happy to trundle along in this manner. You do not try to rekindle those early days of your honeymoon period. In other instances, this mediocrity is found to be stifling. If you hear another gardening anecdote or incident at the bowling club, you will go spare. You want to travel and experience new things. Your other half is more interested in the home brew and the latest episode on television. There is no hatred, there is no passion but this time the middle is deemed suffocating and unacceptable. You do not try to rekindle what you once had but instead decide you want something else. You move on to something else, be it a single life with new pursuits or finding a new person who shares your interests. The separation is amicable, fair-minded and there is no turbulence. The relationship ran its course and you saw no reason to try to make it anything different.
Yet with us it is so different isn’t it? You try your absolute best to get things back on track, you try until you are shattered and exhausted, bewildered and confused. How can you not achieve what we once had again? Why is it so elusive? Yet you do not give up. You keep on trying. Again and again.
Such is the intoxicating power of the golden period, such is the addiction of this utterly falsified state of affairs, such is the massive attraction of that seemingly perfect love, you try your damnedest to resurrect it. Sometimes there is a glimmer of a return or even a brief sortie to that promised land once again and you know that your repeated trying has succeeded. It never lasts. It never stays. Still, you exhibit that indefatigable spirit as you try once more, looking to rekindle that special love we once had.
You even begin to sacrifice pieces of yourself in order to try to bring it back. You try to guess what we want all the time. You walk on those eggshells in order to avoid disrupting the fragile peace. You agree to do things you would never have countenanced once upon a time but hey, it is worth trying isn’t it? You decide to spend more time with us, sacrificing your relationships with your friends and with your family, but you have to try don’t you? You cannot be said to have not tried to make this work and if you had it once then surely you can get it again can’t you? You submit to more and more of our demands, demeaning yourself, degrading yourself and suffering our repeated denigrations but you convince yourself that this is all worth doing because you are trying to achieve a greater aim. You have hope that you will succeed and bring back that elusive golden period. You forgo invitations to events because you know it will displease us. You do not invite people to the house to avoid causing a disruption to the evening, since we want peace and quiet. You try not to say anything when we return late from who knows where. You try to remain silent when we spend hours staring into the screen on our laptops, tapping away, our minds somewhere else. You retreat, back-off and compromise, giving away more and more of yourself and your life as you try to succeed.
Thus here is the awful warped nature of being ensnared by us. In a normal relationship you may not try to the same extent because the excitement and passion was not as it was with us. Yet, this relationship is one where trying will bring about success. Yes, you won’t establish that paradise that exists when we seduce you, but it never actually existed to begin with. It is a fiction. However, trying to succeed with someone normal and healthy is entirely achievable. You will not, by contrast, ever succeed with us. You can try over and over and over again but for all this effort and endeavour you will not get what you want. What we once granted you will only ever be given again in small doses and then only as part of this continuing manipulation so that you remain in our grip so we can gather fuel until we throw you aside. No matter how determined you are, no matter how great your resolve, no matter the fact that you put every breath, every ounce of effort in to trying to make things work between you and us so everything is golden, it will never ever work. It cannot because you cannot control the golden period. Only we can and we choose who is granted it and when in accordance with our need for control and fuel.
Try to understand that.
Heavy lies the crown that sits atop my head as I look out upon my kingdom. Inside my gilded tower I remain, behind those fearsome double doors that are locked four times and triple-barred. I sit on my throne which has been fashioned from the souls that I have stolen and bound to this edifice of dark steel and jagged glass. I hear the low moan of their captivity as I sit and regard my lands which stretch away north, east, south and west. From this vantage point I see all things and I am seen by all, reminding them of who I am and why I am their better. I am chosen to lead and rule and they must always exhibit suitable respect and loyalty to me or suffer the same fate of those who know provide my seat. I know there are pretenders out there who would seek, through their perfidious ways to storm my citadel and unseat me. I know their plans. I know their schemes of treason, their seditious whispers come my way, carried to me by my ever loyal crows that flit hither and thither spreading my dark message and feeding me the responses which I greedily feed on by way of much needed sustenance.
I know too well that there are those who would come like a thief in the night and seek with malicious aforethought to slit my throat and leave me bleeding to death, my life leaking from me from their numerous puncture wounds and thus I must maintain my defences and seek out these disloyal foes. I know their game and I have them in my eye. They cannot reach me here though. My dedicated Lieutenants guard the route to this citadel and they will reject all those who approach me with false intentions. I know they will not swerve from protecting their master for I fashioned them in my own image in order to enable them to fulfil their roles. Equipped with blackened weapons that slice and tear they will cut down any who dare to cause me harm. None are able to land that fatal blow against me though. I am wise to their plans of harm and assassination and I scent their scandalous treachery dripping like ichor from them as easily as I might detect the aroma of the lily or the honeysuckle.
Heavy lies the crown that rests upon my head for I bear the burden of many about me. It is not easy guiding and corralling those souls that look to me for protection and enlightenment. How they flock to my citadel when I stand at my balcony and allow them the grace of my golden rule. They bow down before me by their thousands their admiration and gratitude palpable and allowing me to drink deep of their worship. In return I ensure that these dedicated subjects experience a golden era, an epoch of bounty and elation and so they continue to gather beneath me on bended knee hoping for a glance of their most excellent ruler. It is no role for those of a faint heart. Those who lack fortitude cannot sit on this throne for only the mighty and the blessed are capable of seizing the hopes of a thousand thousand followers and allowing them their time in the sun. Only he who is venerated and of such elevation can provide such succour to the many who clamour for that guidance in such dark times. My bounty allows them to flourish as they tend to these fertile lands. My leadership provides them with the reason to till the land, sow their seeds and gather the fruits of the kingdom in my name. It is only through my benevolence that such a period of plenty can flourish.
Often I must consign some of them to shadow, snuffing out the golden shaft of light which illuminated their world. I do so with a heavy heart for they showed me some service but now they offer me little and as such they must understand that such grace and beauty is within my gift and as I grant it, I can deny it. Their wails and howls of pain and protest always confirm my decision was the right one and I take great sustenance from their misery. Still, such is the mighty attraction of one like me that they do not depart or slink away to far flung lands but instead they remain, bearing the torture and calling out to me, begging for my forgiveness and pleading for the restitution of my golden reign. I am not an evil man, though many spread such lies that I am and as such I will, from time to time, allow that life-giving and benevolent golden light to grace their lives once again and their relief and gratitude is most edifying.
Each and every day I must sit on this throne atop my mountain-dwelling citadel and ensure the welfare and good order of my subjects to ensure that the daily harvest is strong, plentiful and potent. Few can do this with the effectiveness that I can. I have yet to meet them but I know they exist, governing lands far from my own in a manner that is so similar to my own. Each and every day I must consign some subjects to shadow and shame, each and every day I must return others to the fold. They cannot exist without me and I cannot exist without them. I am their king, I and the land are one.
Today heavy lies the crown atop my head but I know that come tomorrow the harvest will be even greater and thus recharged I will alleviate the weight and lift my head to allow my eyes both golden and black to look each and every one of my subjects in the eye as if to ask them what will they do for me today. Heavy lies the burden that they will carry for their king. Heavy lies their obligation to their monarch. Heavy lies the invisible yoke about their necks and the chains which I shall yank in order to ensure that tomorrow this heavy weight will be heavy no more.
1. I am sorry I went away.
You probably said something that I did not like, you may not have said anything at all, but you did something which criticised me and I wanted to punish you so I disappeared. I am not going to tell you what I was doing whilst I was gone but I only thought about you when I looked at your pleading texts and missed calls. The rest of the time I spent it with your predecessor who I wanted to be with because, well, she hadn’t criticised me. Of course, she spoilt it and that is why I have come back to you pretending to be sorry. I need your fuel again, so here I am with my false remorse.
2. I am sorry I didn’t listen.
I didn’t listen to you because you have nothing of importance to say. Ever. That is compared to me. You should listen to me more because I do not like it when you do not. In fact I hate it. I rarely hear the words you say anyway, you are actually wasting your breath. I am far too focussed on the emotion that is spewing from you, your hurt, your frustration, your anger and your hatred. That is what I want to listen to. That gives me the fuel that I crave. I will pretend I will listen to you in the future so you provide me with some positive fuel for a while and then I will become deaf to what you have to say once again.
3. I am sorry that I hit you.
You made me do it because you will not do what I want and you will not give me what I need. I am torn between needing you and being disgusted by the fact that I am bound to someone as pathetic as you, when I am so brilliant. I am concerned that what I did may be detected by others and consequently the façade that I have created and maintained to everyone outside these four walls will be damaged. I am concerned I may have to spend some of my precious time charming law enforcement if you are treacherous enough to report me.
4. I am sorry I was unfaithful.
If you paid me more attention I would not have to do it, or at least, perhaps not as often. It was your fault that I went elsewhere because you do not admire me like you used to do. You should do so. Everyone admires me and you should be no different. I am irritated that I got caught because I thought I had covered my tracks and been cleverer than you. I am annoyed because you have scared off the other woman with your histrionics and now I am going to have to use my time and energy to find someone else now. I had a great little set-up there and you have ruined it with your interference. Just as you always spoil everything.
5. I am sorry I wasn’t there for you.
I really cannot be bothered having to support you when you are unwell. I find it a waste of my time because everything should be about me, not you. I do not like to be reminded of weakness. I see too much of myself when I do. I need my energies and time to carry out my machinations and gather fuel, not to play nurse maid to you. I do not care that you have looked after me, that is your role. I am too great to tend to you, it is beneath me. I am concerned that my lack of caring and attentiveness has proven the last straw however and my false contrition is purely designed to stop you leaving me.
6. I am sorry I am not a better person.
I am better, way better than you and everyone else, but I know you are fixated with the idea of making me better, changing me and healing me, so I say this to make you feel sorry for me and to hint at the fact that I want to change and become someone better. I am never going to change but I do love to keep you hanging on thinking that I will as this stops you leaving me and deserting me when I need my fuel. I will keep mentioning this so you stick around until such time as I have lined up someone else and I have drained you, then you disappear for all I care. In the meanwhile I will continue to insinuate that I am capable of change and improvement so that you do not go anywhere else. I need my fuel after all.
7. I am sorry for myself.
At least this one is true. I feel very sorry for myself and with good reason. I am just trying to get through life and deal with the jealous people, the envious people and the horrible people who are trying to hurt me. I know there are hundreds of them and I have done nothing to them, yet they insist on trying to hurt me. It is a terrible burden to carry, knowing that there are so many people out there against you, especially when you are as a wonderful and as brilliant as I am. I need your pity, your sympathy and your empathy. Give it to me. It is all fuel. I do not deserve to be treated like this do I? I am human too you know.
It is an often repeated question that I am asked – why do narcissists operate from the same book or why do narcissists all behave in the same way? Is there some School of Narcissism, a University of Manipulation or a College of Coercion? The fact that much of what I write about with regard to my own behaviours and those of my kind resonates with so many, many people naturally causes this question to be asked. How is it that narcissists know how to behave in such similar ways? What is behind narcissists using such familiar and well-experienced manipulations? How do we learn to do this? Indeed, such is the similarity of experience that I am regularly asked by people whether I am their narcissist (I am not) and some even go so far as to write to me on a daily basis questioning my behaviour, pleading and chastising as they truly think I am the narcissist who is tormenting them (again I am not) but this is borne (in part) out of the recognition of similarity with regard to the operation of narcissists.
Do we all use the same book and if we do, how does this come about?
The first observation to make is that whilst there are similarities in the way that we operate there are also considerable differences. Of course, many of those who are ensnared by us find themselves ensnared by similar types (as in school and cadre) of narcissist, therefore the behaviours will indeed appear similar to the victim. However, Lesser Narcissists have a smaller range of manipulations, are rudimentary in their activity, have smaller fuel matrices leading to more interruption to their fuel supply which in turn causes more volatile and haphazard behaviours and have a low threshold on their ignited fury which will invariably appear as heated fury. These are considerable differences from the Mid Range Narcissist and both Lesser and Mid Range are different again from the Greater School.
Now, a Lesser Narcissist may use a silent treatment (the hallmark of the Mid Range Narcissist) but it is rarer, there are cross overs between the schools in terms of certain behaviours. For instance, all schools may use physical violence, however Lesser Narcissists do so more often and more brutally and without regard for consequence, Mid Rangers do so far less often, tend to use pushing, holding, spitting and slapping rather than punching, kicking, biting or head butting and Greaters, where physical violence is used (which is rare) may do so through a proxy or will do so in a manner less likely to be detected. Thus there is a similarity with regard to the use of physical violence but considerable differences in its frequency and application. Similar behaviours but with variations.
How about achieving coercion and control? The Lesser is a blunt instrument relying on blind fear through physical aggression (to person and property). The Mid Ranger will rely on being kind and good-natured moving to pity and emotional blackmail before involving threat, albeit it remains that. The Greater uses charm and reward before the use of threat which will be implemented if required. Thus all three schools engage in coercing and controlling victims but do so in differing ways.
What then of fuel matrices? The three articles I have previously written about those matrices show a commonality – we all need fuel – but significant differences in the composition and extent of those fuel matrices. The Lesser has a small fuel matrix with heavy reliance on the Intimate Partner Primary Source and is more likely to make use of a Non Intimate Partner Primary Source should the need arise. The Mid Ranger has a wider fuel matrix, but relies significantly on the IPPS also and less on a Non Intimate Partner Primary Source. The Greater has the widest and most varied fuel matrix and whilst there remains a reliance on the IPPS, it is not as great as the other two schools and indeed the Greater School can endure for far longer without a primary source at all compared to the other schools.
All three schools exhibit ignited fury when wounded (see the book Fury for more details in that regard) however the Lesser has a hair trigger in that regard and relies mostly, often exclusively on heated fury. The Mid-Ranger has more control than the Lesser but it is not substantially improved and their fury manifests more through cold fury. The Greater has a significant control over his or her ignited fury and will use both heated and cold fury should control not remain in place.
Not all narcissists are grandiose. Some are aggressive, others are passive aggressive. Some are haughty, others almost needy. Some focus on the physical, others on the cerebral. Some are successful and others are not.
Accordingly, it can be seen that there are similar strands with regard to narcissists, in terms of constitution, outlook and behaviour but with notable and significant differences between the schools. Therefore it is not accurate to state that all narcissists operate from the same playbook, but that it appears there are similarities. Again, as mentioned earlier, this appearance of it being the same may also be the experience of the victim because he or she has been ensnared by narcissists of the same school and cadre.
Yet, what if the differences I have explained above (and there are plenty more) are regarded as mere subtleties by victims and instead you point to the fact that we seduce victims, we love bomb, we devalue, we disengage, we suffer wounding, we hoover and we smear. Are those all not the operations of narcissists, are they not all the same? Do we not all regard people as objects as appliances? Do we not all lack emotional empathy? Do we not all experience envy, jealousy and hatred? Do we not all utilise black and white thinking? Do we not all have an overwhelming need for control of our environments? Again, these would be seen as significant ‘sames’ with regard to our kind and support the suggestion that we all operate in accordance with one, mystical, all-encompassing manual of narcissism.
It is clear from the many comments that I have read on my blog and social media platforms, from the e-mails I have received and the content of consultations that people have very similar experiences with regard to being a victim of our kind, whether it is romantic, familial, social or work entanglement. Thus it very much appears that we do indeed all operate from the same book and this raises the next question, how can that be? How is it that narcissists ‘know’ to operate this way, to have the same perspectives, to react in the same way and to deal with their victims in such similar ways?
That is a simple question to answer.
It is not the case that because one is a narcissist that one knows to operate in the same way as every other narcissist. No.
It is because we act in such similar ways that we are narcissists. If you do not act in this way, you are not one of us, if you do, you are and you belong to our club.
Manipulate, lack emotional empathy, regard people as appliances who belong to us forever, control people, need fuel, lack remorse, have no or poor boundary recognition, exhibit magical thinking, a sense of entitlement, have no concept of accountability, ensure it is never our fault, see only in black and white and so forth and you are a narcissist. Not the other way around.
It is the similarity in behaviour that makes us narcissists, not that we are narcissists so we behave similarly.
Society and people need rules. The requirement for regulation looms large in everyone’s life. Pay your taxes, don’t park in that place, don’t drop litter, say please and thank you and so on. From laws to rules to codes of conduct, through to convention to procedures to etiquette we are bound up in rules wherever we go and whatever we do. People grumble and complain about them but ultimately they prefer the world to have these rules. People like to know where they stand. You know what you can and cannot do. You may not agree with it, but you at least have some certainty. Those that found themselves in the horror of concentration camps complained that there was never any certainty to the day. You could be subjected to punishment for walking too slowly one day and too fast the next. It was random and awful, yet such a system is horrendously effective at undermining someone’s will and paradoxically causing them to try harder in order to avoid a sanction.
Our behaviour is much the same. There is no rhyme or logic to it. Last week I said I liked sugar in my tea and this week I do not. I deny that I said I liked sugar in my tea and moreover this triviality causes me to erupt in rage when you put sugar in my drink this week. You are confused and anxious by this random control that I exert over you. It is all intentional. Do not make the mistake of thinking that we cannot recall what we said or did the previous day, that we are somehow blind to our previous likes and dislikes as if affected by some form of amnesia. This disorientating tactic is deliberate. You may as well ascribe outcomes to the numbers two through to twelve and roll two dice. That gives you just as good a chance of determining how I will behave. One week I sleep with the bedroom window open, the next it must be closed. Yesterday I want silence in the kitchen in the morning, today I want the radio on. Each day you are put on parade and then awaiting the inevitable criticism as I will find some fault in order to control you, demean you and provoke a reaction. I am like an insane regimental sergeant major who deems the buttons on your uniform to not shine enough despite the hours you spent polishing each one. Like his parade ground bark, I will unleash my haphazard criticism of you with a barrage of abuse, raising my voice and making you wince with each syllable. We understand the effect of repeatedly being shouted at and it causes you to submit to our demands Invariably I will see what you are doing and pick the opposite as being what I want. I am a natural contrarian. All of this is done to maintain your heightened sense of anxiety, forcing you to second guess and thus become conditioned to our will. Periodically we will approve of what you have done and your sense of relief is so overwhelming you receive a natural high. This in turn causes you to want to repeat it and therefore each and every day you are walking on those eggshells as you try to please us and avoid our erratic and groundless rage. There is no system you can depend on, no method of working out what is safe to do and what should be avoided, yet still you will try. As ever, you want to make matters right and keep the peace.
One is never enough for us. Two or more are required. When we commence our seduction of you and launch those missiles towards you bearing love, passion and desire, we repeatedly tell you that you are the one. You are the only one that we want. All of our life we have waited for this moment to be with the one, you. This singularity of number meets singularity of purpose. One is all that we want. We tell you this, we text you this and we do some repeatedly in order to put you on that pedestal. The world may as well just be populated by you and me. Nobody else matters. All that we want is you and you alone. The effect of such words makes you feel extremely special, revered and worshipped and it feels wonderful doesn’t it? Being the sole recipient of our attention, such wonderful, dedicated and loving attention is uplifting, joyful and magnificent.
Recently a commenter posted a quote from Robert A Heinlein which revolved around kissing. Essentially, this quote referred to the fact that when most people kiss they are not putting their all into it, they have other things on their mind, they might be worrying about work, they know they have to put the rubbish out, they are wondering what is for dinner and as a consequence that person’s kiss is nowhere near as it should be because that person has distractions. The person they are kissing does not have their total attention. There is considerable merit in such a proposition. What we manage to do however is make you think that nobody else matters, that you are the only person we are kissing, have ever kissed and will ever kiss. We make you the centre of our universe and you believe it. Yet the reality is that whilst we exhibit this singularity of attention on you, we have so many other people in mind. Understand that when you are with one of our kind there is never a time when it is just you and me. There is always you, me and her or him or them. Your dynamic with us is not exclusive. It never is. It is not your sole preserve. You are shared throughout the entirety of your relationship with us, from the beginning until, well forever. I do not necessarily mean that we are engaged in a sexual relationship with someone else when we are with you but the fact is that when you think it is just you and I, there is far more going on that you will realise.
At the outset when I am seducing you, I make you feel like the only girl in the world, however there will be at least two other dynamics ongoing. The first is that I will be embarking on a cruel campaign against your predecessor. I will be considering how next to provoke them and punish them so I am able to draw negative fuel from them. I will undoubtedly tell you about them as I explain how horrible and abusive that person was to me. What you are less likely to know is that I am sending them abusive messages, stalking them and organising various methods of manipulation to keep punishing them.
The second dynamic at the outset is the fact that I may also be working on another prospect as well as you. In the extremely unlikely event that you ever had access to my mobile ‘phone and you looked in the messages you would see something like this.
“Message to You 19:48 – I cannot stop thinking about you. What have you done to me? I love it though. I cannot wait to see you tomorrow even though it is too long to wait for my aching heart.”
“Message to Her 19:50 – I cannot stop thinking about you. What have you done to me? I love it though. I cannot wait to see you tomorrow even though it is too long to wait for my aching heart.”
There may even be,
“Message to Her 2 19:52 – I cannot stop thinking about you. What have you done to me? I love it though. I cannot wait to see you tomorrow even though it is too long to wait for my aching heart.”
Notoriously greedy for fuel and wary of the effects of not having a supply of the same, we will ensure that we have other targeted prospects in hand. You may become the chosen one as my primary source of fuel but the others will not necessarily be discarded. They will be retained as “friends” who rank as high producing secondary appliances, continuing to supply me with fuel. You think you have me to yourself. Of course that is the impression that I will create but you are sharing me with the others who will be kept ready to replace you should you start to fail in your production of fuel.
During the golden period it may seem that there is just you and me but I will be keeping other prospects warm and extracting negative fuel from one or more predecessors in the meanwhile. Then, without warning you find yourself being devalued. You have your suspicions that we are playing away. Indeed, we are as we use these secondary sources that we have kept “warm”. There will be others as we find additional people to draw into our network as we play them off against you. You will find you will be compared to these people, to friends and family and always found to be wanting as we press the devaluation against you. After this horrendous time, we will cast you to one side with a callous discard and somebody else has replaced you. How did that happen so quickly? How were we able to move with unseemly haste and find someone else who we now declare our love for? Easily. They were waiting in the wings all along.
Now disengaged from you will find you are still involved in the dynamic as we play you against your replacement. We will keep trying to draw negative fuel from you and then suddenly hoover you back and make you the apple of our eye again, as your short-lived replacement is cast aside. A period of vacillation may follow as we lift you up and crash you down. You are sat on one end of a see saw, as you go up, she goes down and vice versa. We stand in the centre, straddling this see saw and gobbling up all the fuel that is pouring from you both.
As our primary source you will always find that there is somebody else involved in the dynamic of our relationship. It does not end there though with the person who is our primary source of fuel. This addition of an extra player in the game happens throughout all our fuel gathering activities. We set family member against family member, our brothers against our sisters, or one parent against another. We treat one child as golden and the other as a pariah as we have them compete for our blessing and affection. We pit one colleague against another as they vie for that promotion which lies in our gift. We have friend fighting against friend in order to spend time with us at the expense of the other. We enter the online realm and have people backbiting, clashing and competing all through a few keystrokes on the keyboard. We can never be satisfied with it being just you and me, we always have to involve others and that involvement cannot be harmonious. There must be competition in order for the fuel to flow. Never think that we are dedicated to just you, our need for fuel does not allow it. There is always someone else despite what we may tell you. If you were ever able to ascertain the full extent of our machinations, schemes and plans you would see so many lines radiating away from us, connecting us to you, to her and to many others, with lines running between the unknowing and knowing until it looks like an extremely complex organogram on the wall of an incident room in a police station.
It can never just be you and me. There always has to be another.
The final part of the series of articles concerning the important Fuel Matrix addresses the school of narcissism of the Greater Narcissist. Like the Lesser and Mid-Range Schools, this particular school has three divisions.
1. The Lower Greater Narcissist (“LGN”)
The LGN is intelligent, charismatic and scheming. He has significant control over his ignited fury but when that fury is ignited his response usually manifests through heated fury. He shouts, he threatens but in an instant can turn the charm back on in order to smooth over with astonishing ease the situation following his tirade. He is also the most prone of all of the Greaters to use physical and sexual violence. He is nowhere near the blunt instrument of aggression that the Lesser school is. The LGN will maintain his control for a considerable period of time and then will erupt with violence. He is less concerned about the façade (compared to the other Greater Narcissists) as he will rely on charm to ensure that he can explain away, smooth over and dilute the impact of any sudden explosion of violence.
a. Primary Source. A Greater will never rely on a family member as a primary source. His primary source will always be an IPPS and at the high end of the particular cadre which he belongs to, thus if Somatic, he will have a very attractive wife or girlfriend. If Cerebral, this person is likely to be of a high calibre in terms of academics. The LGN can manage without a primary source if necessary and will instead rely on a corps of IPSSs (see below). The IPPS of a Greater will be installed with considerable charm, flattery and attraction and is often an individual who is strong, independent and resourceful – those traits indicating to the LGN that the empathic and class traits are in plentiful supply and such an individual represents a delightful challenge to bring to heel. The LGN, not extensively concerned by the façade will have a high turnover of IPPSs. He will readily attract them, launch into an horrendous devaluation and dis-engage in a swift time frame, before drawing in another with ease.
b. The familial secondary source network of the LGN will be extensive as members of the family hold him or her in high regard. There will be one or two in that network who will be regarded as scapegoats by the LGN and will have been on the receiving end of his or her vitriolic outbursts but immediate and extended family will find the LGN impressive and be proud of this person’s status and achievements;
c. The LGN is likely to hold a senior managerial position (probably at board level) in a corporate entity or public body, he may well operate his own business and as a consequence will have a significant number of secondary sources throughout the business and related to the business;
d. The LGN has a significant social network also. He has a loyal Coterie and within that Coterie he can rely on a cabal of at least half a dozen inner circle friends who are all likely to be Lieutenants. He has an extensive outer circle friendship and if ever at a loose end he would be able to call on people to join him, often with little notice. The LGN tends to operate at a local level and therefore is well known in their immediate neighbourhood and locality, both in a business, community and social sense. This results in a large network of secondary sources;
e. The LGN can easily juggle two or more IPSSs when the need arises. He has little difficulty attracting them and will do so from social, work and community hunting grounds. He also has no issue with the IPSSs knowing about one another and indeed he will actively encourage competition amongst them. He has no concerns about the IPPS being aware of these indiscretions as he revels in the triangulated fuel and relies on his charm combined with physical and sexual threat to keep the IPPS in place until he decides to dis-engage. He regards it as his entitlement and right to have a harem of IPSSs. He has no interest in compartmentalising them, but rather ensures they understand they have no call on him as of right, but given his attractive qualities he knows that they regard him as a catch and that competition is a matter of fact when trying to secure his attentions. Many IPSSs accept, as a consequence of the LGN’s presentation, that they must share him and are content to have that arrangement rather than risk losing him altogether;
f. The LGN interacts with scores of tertiary sources and does so in an arrogant and high-handed manner. He will shift from pleasant to malicious in an instant owing to some perceived slight against him or often just because he can in order to show off his power to other people. He revels in having people running around for him and again is not unduly concerned by the façade, so that it as a consideration does not prevent him from lashing out at people, who he will then win over again with considerable charm.
The LGN has similarities with the ULN in that they are aggressive, arrogant and swaggering. The LGN however is more calculating, far more grandiose and charismatic but is only able to maintain this on a local scale.
2. The Middle Greater Narcissist (“MGN”)
The MGN is a grandiose, flamboyant and outgoing individual who most likely fits with the public perception of what a narcissist is, without realising that the disorder is far more detailed and complex. The MGN is a considerably popular person who has the people touch, able to converse with paupers and princes (so long as it serves the MGN’s purposes). The MGN has a draw and a charm which is similar to The Magnet Empath but of course with all the downsides that one would expect from a narcissist.
The MGN is a successful individual. He or she may well run their own business which is likely to be the ideal platform for their showmanship, performance and entertaining talents. The MGN is not someone who is scheming in the corporate world or battling in the highest court in the land, but rather the MGN is on stage, up front and there for all to see. The rock stars of the world, famous television presenters, politicians and demagogues form those who are MGNs. They create an astonishing façade of brilliance, popularity and acceptance. People want to be with the MGN, they worship and adore them. Their reach far extends that of the localised LGN and is instead a countrywide, continent wide or world wide reach.
The MGN is driven, ambitious, with high energy levels which are channelled into the pursuit of fame, wealth and excellence. They appear in the church, in entertainment and politics. They make people feel like they are the only person in the room whereas unwittingly they are actually drawing that person deep inside their world. These people are not to be crossed. Charismatic and calculating they will crush those who get in the way, never bothered about using people to get what they want but always with their considerable charm so that it almost feels like a pleasure to have been used by the MGN. Passionate, excellent public speakers, motivated and motivating they have people in the palm of their hand.
It is unsurprising that these individuals have massive fuel networks.
a. Primary Source. Never a family member and thus always an IPPS. The MGN is likely to have been or will be married several times. They have no problem in drawing impressive IPPSs to them, thus gaining considerable fuel, character traits and residual benefits. The MGN will also knowingly seduce Lessers or Mid-Range Narcissists, where a purpose is served and this contributes to the high-turnover of IPPSs. The Primary Source is kept in place through the charm and brilliance of the MGN and then through devaluation this is most often through threat of withdrawal or actual withdrawal. The MGN is rarely physical with the victim, there is no need to be that way. The MGN does not go in for lengthy devaluations through the commission of savage acts but instead prefers the withdrawal of so many benefits associated with the MGN to speak for themselves. The MGN then engages in considerable Relationship Bulletins when a new IPPS is swiftly installed, in order to compound the misery of the one who has been usurped. The MGN will smear the IPPS if necessary but prefers generally to move on and their malicious side is evident through the delight they take in showing off their new acquisition.
b. The Familial Secondary sources of the MGN are largely benign and supportive of the MGN but the MGN being someone who is often in demand from work and socially, has little time for family and therefore whilst on reasonable or good terms does not draw extensively on their familial secondary source network;
c. Colleague Secondary Sources. The MGN will have numerous colleague secondary sources who all think very highly of the MGN and the MGN is most keen to maintain this. He places huge stock in his façade and therefore it is very rare for him to devalue any colleague secondary sources, but when it happens it is fast and effective with no coming back (unless the MGN decrees it as worthwhile, but this is rarely the case). The blackened colleague will no doubt be removed, dismissed or decide to go elsewhere since the MGN’s charisma and powerful façade can rarely be taken on with any success;
d. Social secondary sources. The MGN has a cabal of around a dozen inner circle friends who will mainly be Lieutenants. He will also have scores of social outer circle friends and is never ever short of someone who will be happy to pour some positive fuel the way of the MGN. People are desperate to be the MGN’s friend, they will fight one another for favour and a minute in the golden glow of the MGN is well worth the effort. The social secondary sources of the MGN, those in the outer circle, will include several Lesser and Mid-Range Narcissists who are drawn by the charisma and popularity of the MGN.
e. In terms of IPSSs, the MGN has them by the truckload. His charisma, success, money et al make for a honeypot for individuals who are bowled over within moments and soon find themselves in bed. The MGN will have several on the go at once but through his Lieutenants and the extensive use of charm he is careful to ensure that if there is an IPPS, this extensive backdrop of IPSSs remains hidden. Indeed, of all narcissists, it is the MGN who use Dirty Little Secrets the most extensively. If he is inbetween IPPSs, then he can function from his extensive harem but does so in a way that is seen as ‘dating’ rather than shagging around. His reputation and the zealous Lieutenants and Coterie see to it that Brand MGN remains unsullied from allegations of promiscuity and infidelity.
f. With regard to tertiary sources, the MGN will engage with thousands who all think the MGN is wonderful and he or she is always keen to ensure this is the case. Occasional tertiary sources will experience a dressing down, but always away from the outside world, so the ever so important façade is unaffected. When in the public eye, the MGN is careful to ensure that the façade is maintained and that tertiary sources are treated in a benign way so that the carefully constructed and preserved façade remains intact and serves its purpose
3. The Upper Greater Narcissist (“the UGN”)
Finally we address the fuel network of the most dangerous of the Greater school, the UGN.
The UGN is very intelligent but not necessarily the most intelligent of the relevant schools. What sets the UGN apart is the level of awareness, his extensive hold on his ignited fury and his intense calculation. He is a Macchiavellian individual, a schemer and a planner. He is rarely impulsive and instead deliberates, plots and plans. He calculates the effects of his behaviours, he considers the ramifications in order to optimise the outcome and conserve energy. Possessed of high energy levels this does not mean that he is keen to see his precious energy squandered. He values the façade but what he values more than anything is his ability to manipulate. He hordes vast intelligence on people, exhibits a fearsome memory and is extremely well-connected. He is grandiose when required but also revels in chicanery, shadowy deals and behind the scenes manipulation. Whilst he admittedly enjoys mass adoration he does not rely on it to the same extent as the MGN does. He moves in powerful circles, can rely on powerful contacts and connections should he so choose and is fearless in his behaviours. He cannot ever be beaten, he must always win and the end justifies the means more to him than anybody else. He is malicious with those who cross him and will readily destroy them, but he is adept at recognising the worth of individuals to his Grand Designs and therefore is not capricious in the application of his formidable destructive powers. Vastly charming but with an edge which has people wary and indeed downright terrified of saying the wrong thing or committing an erroneous act. He is able to convert people to his way of thinking and will do so through the application of charm or threat – he is content to apply one or the other or both – so long as he achieves what he wants. That is all that matters to him. Single-minded, devious and in it for the long-haul, the UGN should never be underestimated.
In terms of his fuel matrix, this is extensive.
a. The primary source is never a family member but instead is an IPPS. He is easily able to attract high calibre IPPSs for the purposes of The Prime Aimsand is tremendously effective in sweeping them off their feet. He however needs repeated stimulation and will not suffer fools gladly and therefore the golden period for those who couple with the UGN is likely to be the shortest of all the Greaters. The golden period is however intense and mesmerising. The devaluation which follows is almost always the most unpleasant as through an array of manipulations the UGN will make the IPPS’s life hell. Not beyond the use of sexual or physical violence towards the IPPS but it is extremely rare. Instead it is the psychological games which appeal to the puppet master that is the UGN and he revels in devising traps for the hapless victim to blunder into. The UGN will also continue to hoover in a malign method the IPPS even though she has been dis-engaged from, if the UGN deems it appropriate. The UGN more than any other type of narcissist will commence protracted and nasty campaigns against the removed IPPS. He does so in a way that is high in trickery, she knows it is him causing her this pain but is unable to prove it is, such is the way in which the secretive UGN operates.
b. Familial secondary sources. The UGN is not reliant on familial secondary sources and often has severed ties with several members of this aspect of the fuel network deeming them to be unhelpful or indeed hindrances. Those that are tolerated will be tolerated because they serve a significant purpose to the efficient and effective UGN. His coldness towards his family places them on respectful edge or over the top desire to thaw him out. He is respected for his accomplishments and there is genuine admiration for what he does, but it is always tinged with wariness.
c. Colleague secondary sources. The UGN more than any other kind of narcissist regards himself as peerless and therefore colleague secondary sources really are there purely for his use. He has no concept of loyalty to them and will promote and demote as the situation is required. He is aware of the need for a façade but is not beyond using that façade in two respects. There are those that consider the UGN as brilliant, engaging and marvellous and there are those who are terrified of him but recognise they must obey and comply. The UGN is content to operate such a dual façade as it presents him with considerable benefits. The UGN is likely to hold positions of authority and power with corporate entities, public bodies, the military and politics. He has an extensive network of colleague secondary sources who will be loyal – out of admiration or fear – and he gathers fuel, information and assistance from these extensive networks. The UGN uses blackmail repeatedly within his own business and engaging with those from external businesses. Those that foolishly come up against him, regret doing so.The UGN will have a well-respected public business profile but his best work is done in the shadows as he applies real influence to events locally, nationally and/or globally. It is highly likely that some of his sphere of operation is unknown to those who think that they know him and the UGN has an ‘off grid’ colleague network also.
d. Social secondary sources. The UGN has an extensive social network through his charm and influence. He can easily engage with people and soon have them in the palm of his hand but easily bored and distracted it is only the high calibre who keep his attention for a long time. Hence, his inner circle cabal will be less than half a dozen but his outer circle network will be scores of people. Like the MGN he never struggles for company or fuel from these outer circle admiring friends. The UGN will devastate the life of a social secondary source which crosses him but for the most part he tends to just dis-engage and drop the individual when the UGN is bored and/or sees nothing more to be gained from this person.
e. The IPSS. The UGN gathers numerous IPSSs. Unlike the LGN, the UGN usually ensures that the IPSSs do not know about one another unless he deems triangulation advantageous. Similarly, he keeps them unknown from the IPPS until it suits his purpose to reveal that there is somebody else or, more usually, the suggestion there might be someone else which can be plausibly denied. The UGN attracts IPSSs with ease and requires them for the purposes of his fuel network when devaluation is occurring. He is also able to utilise several IPSSs when he has no IPPS. The UGN will utilise IPSSs in a shelf methodology and pick them up and down as he sees fit. He is swift to apply a corrective devalue to keep them in line and if they will not respond he will dis-engage.
It should be noted that whilst narcissists do operate a double-life this is usually with the IPPS and nearly all others tend to see the ‘good’ side of the narcissist (save where otherwise explained in this article and the first two parts). The UGN more than any other narcissist does operate a double life with a charming and engaging public façade and then a dark and sinister side which is used against the IPPS, familial, colleague and social secondary sources where required and also against IPSSs where required. His malice towards those victims that have been identified of deserving it, is unrelenting, savage and of a calculated degree that is devastating. He is able to call on many others in his fuel network to assist his machinations albeit he is a capable and resourceful individual.
f. Tertiary sources. The public face of the UGN is one where he will be well-known – this might be in industry circles, business environments, a sporting network or entertainment network. He will not be as well-known as the MGN but is not unheard of either. His ‘fame’ tends to be within more esoteric and powerful networks as opposed to mass appeal. Nevertheless, this means that his name (and moreover his reputation) will be known to hundreds of people. These individuals will be treated in a benign way as part of the ‘good’ façade, but the UGN is also known to disincentivise certain tertiary sources for the purposes of sending a signal. Just like the devaluation of an IPPS, the devaluation of a tertiary source may well be linked to the UGN, it just cannot be proven.
The UGN is well-known and his influence is extensive. He operates a vast fuel network but in contrast to his brother narcissists he also has an extensive ‘dark’ fuel matrix which most people would have no idea about. It is this ability to operate in a double sense and to drift in and out of worlds which makes the UGN so dangerous to his victims.