The Platitude of Gratitude
I am self-sufficient. I do not need you and therefore I do not appreciate you. I never show any thanks for what you do for me because I am entitled to it anyway. You should be doing all those things for me by reasons of being so fortunate to have someone so special as me in your life. When you give me a present, or cook a sumptuous meal or arrange a day out for me you are just fulfilling your duty. That is why I never say thank you. Instead, I will look to turn it around and suggest you are only doing it because you feel guilty about something (I won’t point to anything specific that you are guilty of because I prefer to gave you in a near permanent state of anxiety and accuse you of doing something wrong, without giving any detail, is a great way to do this). Then again, I will accuse you of selfishness as I project my own behaviour onto you. I will declare that you have only arranged the day out because you wanted to go or that you cooked the meal as it was your favourite food. Anything to diminish the gracious and pleasant thing that you have done. I cannot stand to think you can act selflessly because it reminds me so much of my complete inability to do so. You are reminding me of my weaknesses and that irritates me. In fact, it chews away at me so much that I have to try and wipe the thought away. This means I will do what I do best. Lash out at you.
How many times have you been left feeling bewildered and upset after you have tried to do something you thought I would like only for me to either shrug and barely acknowledge your kind-hearted gesture or even worse I have erupted in a rage and gone on the offensive. You are left shell-shocked. You hear yourself apologising even though you have no idea why but you are so conditioned to my behaviour, the instant apology trips off your lips before you have even had chance to think about it. You are left belittled and upset, no doubt holding the present you looked long and hard for in your hands after I threw it at you and stormed out of the room. The terrible thing is, you will keep trying to win my gratitude. It is not going to happen.
6 thoughts on “The Platitude of Gratitude”
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‘Self-sufficient’ isn’t quite right though – isn’t there a insatiable need for fuel from others? So it’s ‘I do not need YOU, but the fuel I can extract from you’…and I do not appreciate you or your actions as that would mean emotional empathy, reducing the potential fuel that can be extracted from your objection to this, and diminishes my control. But underneath, there is a satisfaction at the gift, or meal, or act of service, as this reassures that everything is as it should be, the fuel is flowing. And it provides an opportunity for hoovering by way of provocative (non) response.
Have I got that right?
“Anything to diminish the gracious and pleasant thing that you have done. I cannot stand to think you can act selflessly because it reminds me so much of my complete inability to do so. You are reminding me of my weaknesses and that irritates me. In fact, it chews away at me so much that I have to try and wipe the thought away. This means I will do what I do best. Lash out at you.”
Well gee, this explains alot. In the beginning, he liked that I was so giving and selfless, often pointing it out to his Lieutenants and cotiere “isn’t she great, isn’t she wonderful, she treats me so well, unlike the lying, cheating other exes in my past”.
‘Thank you’ rarely passed his lips though (unless there were others around to see or hear it).
Your last sentence encapsulates neatly our way of behaving.
Well if You say so why shall I try then? 😉
Spot on, as usual.
One time when I was visiting him, my ex and I had a couple of great days together – let me clarify – I was pushing through HIS “to do” list which I was responsible for and as long as I was making the appropriate progress according to him, things were great. On the third night, we were watching a movie (while I massaged his shoulders the entire time) and 5 minutes before it was over, he paused it and had a complete melt down about how I wasn’t helping him get his 8.5 hours of sleep. I told him I thought we were having a great time so far and he said he was only letting me think that but he actually had rage building at me because of this failure on my part. I asked him why he didn’t say anything sooner and he said I should have known. We ended up fighting the entire night and got no sleep whatsoever. Since I was sticking up for myself during this fight, he said I was too independent and that part of me needed to die. I needed to be submissive. The next day I was meeting his parents for the first time. When we were with his parents, he was his normal fabulous self. The second they stepped away, he’d grill me with questions like…is that independent b$#@! gone? Will I see her again or is she dead? How are you going to behave? Will you be submissive and show me you love me? It was mental torture all day. #goodtimes.
Thank you. Thanks for sharing your experience. Your ex was highly skilled in switching between his masks. It is interesting, as we have discussed previously, how he recognised the steel inside you but wanted that as it meant you would climb the highest heights in order to meet his challenges and thus provide him with the sweetest, most potent fuel. His behaviour was one of manipulating you through Guilt and Pity whilst Triangulating you with hi parents on that occasion (see how pleasant I am with them? I will be like this with you if you do what I want)