Angel of My Creation

I still remember with breathtaking clarity the first time I fell in love. I was 17 and there was a girl in my class called Amanda. She was tall, gamine and with a slightly upturned nose. Her hair was blonde and long, always sweeping behind her.. She always seemed to be hurrying from one place to the next, yet she did so with a measured glide that made her seem somehow ethereal. I would stand and watch her as she bustled along the corridor in college, her hockey stick poking from her bag and apologies issued from that enticing mouth as the stick bumped against people. I would position myself in class so I could look at her without her noticing. I sat at seven o’clock to her and I drank in her frame as it was hunched over the desk, those long fingers gripping her fountain pen, the blue ink staining her index finger. How I loved her slender wrists which would often be turned towards me, the skin slightly paler than the rest of her sun-kissed self. Her figure was athletic, her skin lightly tanned and there was always a clean scent about her. Whenever she passed me I would breathe in as deep as I could to savour every molecule of her fragrance that washed over me. I would lie in bed, my eyes closed and invent scenarios for us to meet and spend time together. I imagined protecting her from those that would seek to defile such a precious person as I knew full well of the darkness that lurked waiting to trap someone as pure as her. I knew my kind and what went on in our minds.I masturbated frenetically conjuring up images of her naked frame enveloped around mine, her soft lips pressed onto my cheek. I could not resist the allure she exhibited yet I cursed myself after my climax for allowing me to think of her in this way.Occasionally she would smile at me and leave me dizzy with elation.

Carefully I built up a portfolio of information about her. There was no internet to aid me then and my intelligence was gathered through a combination of observation and discrete questioning of her friends. I knew where she lived, in a small town along from mine and her bedroom was at the front of the house above the main entrance. She often rode a bike and on a Saturday morning she would go horse riding. I learned she was a fan of Duran Duran and had something of a crush on Simon le Bon when she had been in her younger teens. I knew she enjoyed playing a lot of sport and her favourite drink was Vimto. Little by little I noted all of this down and then memorised it in readiness of the day that we spoke. I envisaged how I might ask her to go on a date with me. I thought about the two of us going to see a film together, something a little scary so that those delightful fingers might reach out and grab mine by way of reassurance. I wondered if she could ice skate and if not how she could hold onto me as we moved about the rink. I longed to hold her hand and let my fingers caress her clean, clean skin.

I never saw any evidence of a boyfriend although I knew from what other lads in the class said that they fancied her. Inside I churned when I heard them refer to her in a sexual fashion. She was not theirs to be spoken of in that way and during history lessons I would plot how I would cause those leering fools to suffer for their graphic slurring of my beautiful Amanda.

All through that first year of sixth form college I loved her with a noble purity and never spoke to anyone of how I felt about her, but I knew that it was love. How could this powerful sensation I felt each time I saw her, heard her or smelt her, be anything else? The summer holiday was a painful hiatus and my sporadic passes of her home never produced a glimpse of Amanda. I once walked up to the front door and nearly posted a note through her letterbox, but my nerve failed me and I retreated down the path.

Once Autumn arrived and with it the start of the upper sixth, I returned to college with expectant enthusiasm. As I settled into my usual seat and waited for her to glide into the class room I wondered if she had changed much over the summer holiday. The teacher arrived and commenced the lesson, but there was no Amanda. She made no appearance all that week. Nor the next. My sleep was fragmented with concern as to her whereabouts and eventually I asked our form tutor. He explained that her family had moved abroad over the summer owing to her father’s job. He did not know the exact whereabouts. My fury at losing her was monumental but I kept it within, as I had been taught, not wanting the world to know of the agony that I bore. I tried to ascertain where she had gone but my questions bore no fruit.

The decades have passed and I have looked for her again and again. I have used technology to try and locate her but there has been nothing. Her name may have changed and thus she eludes me. I have checked her old friends’ profiles to see if she is amongst their friends but she remains elusive. I have had to carry the burden of my lost love all this time and though I have sought sanctuary in the soft embrace of countless ladies, each time hoping that Amanda will appear to me through their embrace or their fragrance, every time I am left broken and bitterly disappointed. None of them come close to that angel which graced my class room. None of them equal her purity and grace,her unsullied manner and gracious movements.My love for Amanda was perfect and I feared it could never be matched. Each and every time they show such promise and every time they leave me disappointed and full of bile as they fall monstrously short of her perfection. I will not give up on my angel, I never shall, for it is with her that I shall find salvation.


71 thoughts on “Angel of My Creation”

  1. Beautiful. So rich with emotion! Why didn’t you ever talk to her? Were these feelings genuine? Is the loss of her what drove you to your narcissistic wiles (or exacerbated them)? What if the reality of being with her was just as mundane as all the others? Belief in her perfection was most likely an illusion…of course you’ve considered all of this already 🙂

    1. Hello EWO and please excuse my delay in replying. Thank you for your incisive post. I never spoke to her because I was concerned about two things. Firstly, that she might not want to talk to me (that concern does not affect me anymore – hence why I have been trying to find her) and the second reason you touch on, I feared that my angel might be tainted in some way. My fear was most valid as all my dealings since have confirmed the existence of such taints. My feelings were genuine, they always are.
      I take the view that three things made me what I am. The loss of Amanda amounted to one third of the catalyst.
      You are right, her perfection might have been an illusion, but surely perfection on other people can exist as well? What do you think?

  2. Profound writings. I’m interested in knowing if you had ever found Amanda how long would it take for you to remove her from the angel status?

    My ex discarded me after finding the woman he had pined for ..her goodness and purity – for 18 years.. He spared no punches and let me know that his love for this woman prevented him from ever really loving me. He left his two young children and moved 3000 miles away.
    He married her 2 years into it and soon after he began the systematic abuse that I experienced. Blaming her for all he subjects her to.

    So I am intrigued by this article. Would you turn on Amanda?
    Thank you for your candor.

    1. Hello Isabel, thank you for your post and please accept my apology for the delay in replying.
      I have not given up hope of finding her. I continue to look each and every day (that has been part of my delay in replying to everyone’s posts). When you mention the removal of her angel status do you mean that I would do something to remove it or that once I knew her (as EWO has suggested) I would find she was not the angel I imagined?
      Your experience is typical of those of our kind. I can see how the article concerning Amanda has resonated with you. Do you derive (be honest) any pleasure in her being subjected to what you were, given that she was supposedly of such goodness.
      Would I turn on Amanda? Out of everyone I have ever loved I truly believe she would not give me any reason to do so. I think she would maintain a perfect love for me without diminution or extinction.

      1. What would it be like for you if you were to find her and she isn’t interested in you? You’ve indicated already that not everyone is susceptible to your techniques, and you tend to stick to the easier prey.

      2. That is a very positive 4-letter word for you – HOPE. Do you think she is your gateway to unlocking feeling joy / happiness?

      3. I’m curious, was there something about Amanda’s demeanor that reminded you of the person you felt safe with as a child before the accident or incident caused you to be separated from them?

      4. You do not believe that. Of course you would siphon the goodness and turn on her. You teach us this. The untouchable are the only untainted ones. They remain an illusion of perfection. And something you can’t have. Insert fury. Fuel of the “what ifs” and “if only” serve you. Nobody is an angel. And even if one were, an angel cannot “save” a narc. No one can. A greater narc keeps reminding me of this.

  3. You kept your devastated feelings inside as you had been “taught”. Unrequited love, can be a very damaging tragedy. Just ask William Shakespeare or Tennessee Williams. What other types of buried grief did you have to bury without releasing? That can manifest in very dark, ugly ways. It appears you envision love in its purest form towards her with not one mention of one of her good qualities you would want to break down, debase, feel superior to. You speak as if you truly believe she would bring the best out in you and you for her. This is why you will always find women who will want to ” help” you or “fix” you. You’ve created that glimmer of hope someone could be that for you. Lightning can strike twice. Your best illusion yet, or is it?

    1. I am pleased by your comment about buried grief as this forms the basis of a forthcoming piece.
      I would not want to harm Amanda in any way as she would never let me down and thus she would never unleash the beast within me that has lashed out so many times before. I agree, I will always find those who want to fix me, they are the best for providing me with I want and the best for persevering despite the futility of their well-intentioned actions.

      1. You mention 3 things made you what you are today, losing Amanda as 1/3 of that catalyst. You identified with having buried grief. Is that a second part of the equation? What is the third? … Something you know about or something you are trying to connect the dots with Dr. E and Dr. O?

      2. I know what the second and third items are. I admit that those revelations have arisen through my interaction with Dr E and Dr O. I am going to be a spoilsport and not tell you what they are, although if you hazard a guess and you are right, I will confirm that to you. It can be our little game(although any one else may join in). I will write about the second and third parts of the equation at some point but there is so much else to write about. I will tell you that it is not having buried grief as you suggest.

      3. I was looking back at old posts. Have you completed a piece yet on buried grief? Also, you spoke of the 3 catalysts that made you become this way as discussed with the good doctors. Amanda is the first one. I’m guessing now that Mother has got to be #2, or #3. Any hints to the last one yet?

      4. It’s all there in there articles one two and three. Well remembered to look for them. They will of course be expanded on and most likely connected.

  4. The only way to stay on the pedestal (for us women dealing with narcissistic men) is to NOT give in, to stay sonehow untouchable and slightly distant for the narc, to alternate passion and deep intimacy with unresponsive and untouched behaviour. Intermittent reinforcement – a method the narc uses himself but hates when it is used on him (in a calculated matter). In fact, you can turn ALL of ‘his’ tools/sick mind-games against him (triangulation, gaslighting, projection, hoovering et al) – he’ll hate it but will succomb. It’s very easy to play a narc once you’ve studied them and figured them out: they’re robots, remember? They can’t escape their ‘Programming’ (= frantic search and fight for narcissistic supply). That’s their weak point – and the way the empath/sensitive woman can control/manage the situation – but only from a certain distance. The distance is our shield and what keeps the narcissist hooked (interested). He always wants what he cannot quite get or control or submit to his power (at least not 100%). However, it’s about the Art of the Right Distance – not too far away but not too close either. LOL, I guess that makes me sound much like a narc too, but I assure you I am not. I was perfect narc supply and could turn into the sweetest narc supply with a flick of a wrist if I choose to do so:-)

    OF COURSE he would’ve thrown Amanda off the pedestal sooner or later. They are gaping black holes, remember? Nobody and nothing can ever seal that emptiness, heal those core wounds and save them from their isolation. All the talk about being the most grandiose individuum is nothing but façade, masks they put on to escape the depression of not knowing how to deal with their true selves.

    Thanks Malignnarc for acting as a canvas for narc abuse targets so that we can get rid of our anger, frustration and The Unsaid! 🙂

    Alice through the Looking Glass

      1. NR – notation for no response..
        Okay, HG, you win (as always! 🙂 I give up.
        *walking away…

  5. Yep she’s an imagined savior. She is probably married with kids and yes ” tainted” whatever that means she us not in high school form. She could also be more beautiful too , I know I look way better now than high school lol. It doesn’t seem though she was in love with you like you with her or that it was mutual more like you observed her. I don’t think anything or anyone will ever feed the supply forever without the hurt.

  6. What I interpreted on reading this post was not pure love but obsessive love.
    Is there such a thing as pure love or maybe that’s another way of describing unconditional love?
    To give unconditional love requires empathy.

    1. It is pure love. This exact same story happened to me. With my narc who did actually find me. And he knocked me right of the pedestal. The sad part of my story is that my love was real. 100% real. I did what HG did. Buried grief. My narc even said I was one of the few who ever affected his life and he has been with many women. But when he found me, he smashef me up. He didn’t even try to nurture the second chance he got. HG is not an empath so he would have done exactly what was done to me. Remember, this IS the story of Narcissus and Echo.

  7. Surely, as a human being, Amanda is not perfect? You only mention her physical characteristics HG, do you know what personality traits she had that you were attracted to? I think you’d be let down with the very first thing she said or did they didn’t fit with your understanding of ‘perfect’. In fact, she might even end up being the most seriously abused after all the time you’ve invested in the idea of her perfection.. I hope I’m wrong though! Have you found her yet? Are you still looking?

    1. I think you have a better idea of that having now read Voice of an Angel. Yes I am still looking for her and have two promising leads which are being worked on at present.

  8. That is merely desire. You don’t worry about taints when you love. It is still objectifying as any shiny new appliance. Sorry.

  9. Amanda isn’t the answer. If you found her she would disappoint you. Even if she appeared perfect as you remember it would only be a matter of time before you start to devalue her. You will destroy your angel, it is inevitable. She probably serves you better as she is, a memory. Buried there’s something worth looking for.

  10. “When I was a young man and very well thought of,
    I couldn’t ask aught that the ladies denied.
    I nibbled their hearts like a handful of raisins
    And I never spoke love, but I knew that I lied.

    “For I said to myself, ‘They none of them know
    The secret I shelter and savor and save —
    I’ll wait for the one who will see through my seeming
    And I’ll know when I love by the way I behave.’

    “The years drifted over like clouds in the heavens,
    The ladies went by me like snow on the wind
    I charmed and I cheated, deceived and dissembled
    And I sinned and I sinned and I sinned and I sinned.

    “But I said to myself, ‘Ah, they none of them see
    There’s part of me pure as the whisk of a wave
    My lady is late but she’ll find I’ve been faithful
    And I’ll know when I love by the way I behave.’

    “At last came a lady both knowing and tender
    Saying, ‘You’re not at all what they take you to be.’
    I betrayed her before she had quite finished speaking
    And she swallowed cold poison and jumped in the sea.

    “And I say to myself when there’s time for a word
    As I gracefully grow more debauched and depraved,
    ‘Ah, love may be strong, but a habit is stronger,
    And I knew when I loved by the way I behaved.'”

    -Peter Beagle

      1. Beagle knew his narcissists. True Love doesn’t make a narc any less of a narc. It may make it take a bit longer… and be even worse than usual when they revert to their inevitable abuse.

        I was the Amanda, for one of the two whom I ever allowed close. Everyone, including the others who had been damaged by her and knew what she was, said that I was the only person she ever really loved. I was important enough to her that she even made some effort to change in order to keep me… in between desperate lunges for fuel, of course.

        The only things that really differed from the typical pattern in the long run were that she was romantically faithful (using other types of relationships for her secondary fuel and triangulation needs), and that when she attacked me verbally in search of negative fuel and I refused to react – said a calm No, and then picked up a book and began reading, ignoring anything she said after – she lost it completely and tried to murder me.

        I escaped, and she went to prison. Not my problem anymore.

        She got off lightly compared to the other.

  11. So what if you find her… then what? If you don’t have that “perfect angle” to compare all your other conquests, then your idealization will be shattered, she will disappoint you just like all the rest. You will never find “the one”, no one will ever be good enough for you.

      1. HG
        You are a person who operates on logic over emotion, so why then specifically do you believe Amanda is unlikely to disappoint you.? She already has once. She cast you down and left you in the mud when she left without notice knowing that you had feelings for her. She is the original traitor that you accuse all who follow of being. Every woman since has paid for her in that you hurt them and leave them to make them pay for the way Amanda left you. You cause your victims to carry the longing and pain forward as you carry it for her and the hate you feel for yourself in what you believe to be your weakness in not acting on your feelings then. Outsider looking in I am though. Im sure you hold no such view and I feel cruel in even suggesting it since everyone should have something to cling to. Just letting you see things from my world view on this one.

      2. HG
        Sorry, that was before my last post and I had forgotten about it. Im all good waiting for the book. Thanks.

      3. You love someone who doesn’t actually exist.

        You love an idea that you created.

        In the end you will be disappointed and then the cycle starts once again.

  12. So Amanda is your Sofía Serrano (I finally watched the film again). If you are still looking for her, I hope you find her and find out what happens.
    I personally think that the only Amanda you need to find is yourself. You are that beautiful, tall and athletic blond you so much want to live the perfect love with. I know it is more easily said than done but it is the only way to find true love.
    Abre los ojos HG. 😉

  13. I really enjoyed this and the angelic voice story. I think we all experience this special person in our youth. I also think you should find her for a few reasons. I had a crush in highschool Tom and i googled his name. I was startled to find out what all had happened since highschool. He had a scholorship thru hockey and went to Princeton then lived in Australia with his wife who was also a classmate at the time. I remember feeling a bit jealous of her despite really liking her. The popular super sweet girl.
    He was back in our hkmetown with his wife, daughter and they were expecting another child. Hed been diagnosed 3 years earlier with a brain tumor and underwent surgery. The cancer was back and terminal. Throughout the 3 yr cancer journey he ran completed ironman marathons and raised money for cancer research. I was in awe of not only him but his wife.
    I reached out by email from his cancer fundraising site and we had a lovely chat. His last sentence was…if you see my wife around after im gone please say hi to her.
    Fastforward a year after his death and i was at a ballet with my daughter and who was in the lineup at intermission ..his wife. I tapped her on the shoulder and we had the most amazing conversation. It turns out his neice was a longtime dancer in the dance company.
    I really believe if you feel an urge to find out about someone from your past you should. I learned a lot from Toms experience. He was an amazing person and his wife as well!
    It ties up loose ends as well.
    I think we see things so much differently in our youth and its so compelling to find out the unanswered questions.
    Thx for sharing your story of amanda HG and i hope you find her.

  14. If you find Amanda and she is not the perfect person you think she is will you continue your treatment?

  15. Oh Tudor, Tudor…You are in love with your Anima, the feminine part in a man, your lost contact with purity (sorry for my basic english). No one can compare to a Female Archetype either the real Amanda. When you fall in love with a woman you see the beautiful angelic aspect of Anima, the Virgin Mary. When you became tired by a lady, you are seeing the dark aspect of Anima. But this is all inside you: the light, purity, decency that you saw in her, are yet within you.

    1. Elena…your post i found very interesting and i can see truth to it. I cant speak for hg but reading this made me think amanda maybe symbolized like you said purity something not tainted like the hidden childhood. When youve been abused by narcissism or sexually you categorize people as good or bad more out of fear and protecting yourself. Amanda maybe represented safe purity. This imo is unattainable bc were flawed all of us. You can be flawed and still be a good person but narcs look at things black or white.
      I think itd be a learning experience if hg did find amanda. I guarantee she too is “flawed”. The purity is within. Once you learn to accept and love yourself you see how pure that love can be and youre able to view others in a kinder less harsh way.

      1. After rereading this i wonder if amanda is supposed to symbolize a narcisissts love “infatuation”. Real love never being within reach and elusive. Always out of grasp. Very sad when you read it that way. Maybe she never existed and this is a story to describe the ever elusive perfect love of a narcissist. It can never be found.

  16. Given everything you’ve said about yourself and other narcissists, this article was kind off flooring. I thought you said narcissists are incapable of love?

    Please do write about it when you do find Amanda. I’m at the edge of my seat! 😀

      1. I CANNOT COMPUTE.I believe you. Sort of. Common for us to find this THE MOST DIFFICULT? F. Do we wrestle and toss this around relentlessly to not deal? If only we accepted this point blank FACT you iterate over and over I feel (haha) I could get unstuck. Move on. Tra-la-la. But it ALSO feels like seeing a train wreck and being told: Don’t look.

  17. HG, Obviously the trauma you cause surpasses the emotional and physical realm, but in literal terms have you ever physically harmed a victim? If Amanda does exist and you find her, having put her on this pedestal, do your doctors worry for her safety? If she actually did succumb to your facade, once she inevitably malfunctions, I would think your fury and her abuse would be apocalyptic.

    1. I have harmed many individuals who thoroughly deserved it.
      There is no cause for any concern about her safety, IJ.

      1. Au Contraire… I probably have concern for anyone who crosses your path. Lol. Physically harmed/injured? Worse? Very few people “deserve harm”. Just as you didn’t deserve the harm which caused you to be what you are. I think you mentioned an audio interview where you talked about this. I am looking but haven’t come across it yet.

  18. That is a very touching story HG.. i am really amazed that u still havent found her online through so many avenues though, given narcs ability to become detective when required to do so….do u think she may have blocked you from locating her on social media? I hope u find her…

  19. Hi, I’m Amanda.
    Oh, don’t worry. Not your Amanda – someone else’s.
    Someone’s high school love, the first, unrequited, unfulfilled love.
    But I’m Amanda with a twist. And I fear I’d created a monster.
    Yes, I did look angelic enough then. An ethereal (his word) blonde and, at the same time, an achiever. A nice combination. Not many people knew that I had already had quite an experience for an 18 year old girl. Appearances made me come across as… Well, Amanda.
    I noticed him, my classmate of 4 years, when he started turning into quite an attractive guy at 18. I lured him to bed. It was almost too easy. I wanted some fun and if the fun provided good enough, who knows, I might have wanted him for longer. But the boy did not impress me much and he was… Not exactly shy, yet there was something off-putting about him, some sort of emotional coldness, non-reactiveness, distance. I decided he’d make a boring partner and that it was better not to get in too deep. Next time he came round to my house I told him I had no time for him, quite brutally. Is it possible that I had better instincts at 18?
    We met 30 years later. The initiative was mine but it met with such an enthusiastic response that it literally took my breath away. Meanwhile, life had turned tables on us. I had had a couple of bad experiences, ended up with no family to speak of and did not manage to achieve the kind of professional success I had strived for all my life. He was a medical doctor – well-off, married, with grown-up kids. And so goddamn handsome. What was I thinking when I imagined friendship with this guy?
    I did want friendship at first, because – why not? Similar background, young years spent together, lots of shared experiences, it all promised nostalgia combined with some sort of a joint front against the current reality. Still, the guy insisted on recalling the past in all its detail despite my repeated pleas not to do so. That’s how I learnt that he had loved me, only me, it was never anyone but me, that I had effectively sucked him dry of any emotional capacity in love. I did not want to accept such responsibility for anyone’s feelings, past or present, but he must have sensed that it would make me feel special, that I still want to feel special foe people and that I will eventually believe his ridiculous little line.
    Oh, I do have a strong narcissistic streak myself, I’ve been aware of that. I knew it was dangerous to immerse myself in these sweet recollections of the times of total possibility, of every chance available, of life opening up for us, not closing down its paths the way it is doing now. Tempting to go that way, though threatening to provide an almost too perfect way to escape the demands of the present day.
    Before I knew it, he was everywhere – in my thoughts, in my dreams for the future. I effectively managed to start ignoring everything that wasn’t him. Love-bombed to the brim, fed constant flattery (I had no idea of my own immense hunger for that, I saw myself greedily swallowing it and asking for more, and could not stop even though I was aware that this hunger was excessive and made me vulnerable). And soon enough things began to change. Sudden coldness and reduction of the frequency of contact, word salad served regularly, evasiveness, blame-shifting – when I later started reading more on the subject of narcissism I could tick of all of these traits, methods, behaviours.
    It took me 18 months to remove myself from contact, gradually, stage by stage. I don’t even want to start on what the emotional cost was and still is. Or on the consequences of work done half-well. I’m finally in No Contact. At least I know he won’t be able to jab at me with those unexpected, half-hearted texts expressing faint concern about my well-being, on a deep level aimed at making me feel bad for his unwillingness to even press the call button to hear my voice. I know his tricks. And I can’t help but think that it’s so sad that I had to change my opinion of this guy so drastically – from liking and respect for what he’s done with his life to virtual dread and disgust.
    Back to Amanda.
    I was his Amanda. At 49 I presented him with an opportunity to go back to her. I think he completely lost it for some time. Never saw the real me, saw only her, tried to see her in me, tried to be for her what he’d kept imagining all these years he’d have given her if only she had allowed him. I was basically a prop with a proper name. Hence his initial enthusiasm soon followed by disappointment. Because Amanda was no ideal. Amanda did disappoint him. Amanda refused to stay in one place, refused to be an immobile, unchangeable image of an ideal. Oh, Amanda suffered so nicely. Through me, she got what she deserved. But… It was never enough. I had to take her away from him as I do want to still have some life for myself.
    How about this ending to the story of Amanda?
    English is not my first language, but I hope I have made myself clear enough.
    (By the way, funny timing. You wrote it a week after our first meeting after this 20 year break.)

  20. Hg another of the thirds that made you what you are as you say, has to do with your mother / family? … although I inclined for your mother, since that relationship of attachment or non-attachment is fundamental in our way of being.

  21. I was the Amanda to my narc. I was new to the school, and only lived there a couple years before moving away. He put me high high up on a pedestal and pushed it violently over when I couldn’t save him. I hope your fairy tale has a better ending xx


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