I remember when I was younger that I would fall in love so quickly with the objects of my desire. To me there was nothing untoward about this. I found someone who had so many attributes that I admired and loved that it was entirely conceivable that I would fall head over heels in love with them. People often speak about love at first sight. I was a great believer in that phrase as it happened to me time and time again. I could not help but feel that way. It would never last however and I soon found myself falling in love with somebody else. They appeared to me and instantly I wanted them. I was infatuated with making them mine. I wanted to please them so they would love me back in the same intense way that I loved them. I would say the most wonderful things to them and they would thank me and tell me how talented I was at writing down poems for them or with the way I would convey how I felt about them. I loved to hear this praise. I would sit and think about new ways I could get this new love of mine to think highly of me. I would concoct fresh ways of impressing them. I regularly would invent stories about the things that I had done in order to produce that amazed look and then lap up the marvellous things that they would say to me.
After a while I found that they did not say the praise as often. It became harder and harder to think of new things to say and do to draw this reaction from them. I found this unfair. Surely they realised and recognised my talent and brilliance, I knew they did because they had remarked upon it, but why did they not continue to do so? Why did I sometimes even become tired of hearing them say the same thing to me? As soon as I found the effect was less I would be off to hunt down someone new. It was easy enough. At sixth form college and then university I was immersed in a pool of intelligent, engaging ladies by the hundreds and then thousands. I merely had to place my net in the water and in moments I would catch somebody from whom I could then gather this praise and admiration I needed. I found that it yielded results for me if I had more than one girlfriend on the go at once. There were a couple of close calls and sometimes the tearful questioning I was subjected to when they became suspicious of my evasiveness or other behaviour, would take place. I felt no shame or guilt in doing this. I wanted the attention of two ladies (sometimes more). Indeed on certain nights out at university I would make it my mission to see how many I could ‘pull’ and then bask in the warmth of their admiration. When the tearful inquisitions took place I realised I was not bothered at all by their distress. I just did not care. In fact,I realised I enjoyed the fact that they were getting upset over me. I found the fact that I had made them react in this way rather edifying. I would then go out of my way to upset one girlfriend whilst adoring the other. A few times I did used to wonder if this was normal. A couple of my friends had long-term girlfriends and when we spoke they assured me they had always been faithful to them. I did not believe them. Surely they did as I did? That was part of being young and learning wasn’t it? Trying out new partners to see who you fitted with best. I just had not found the ‘one’. I often believed I had done so as when a new prospect came into view I found myself drawn to them by the most powerful force. I needed to ensure they felt the same way. I had to make them want me too. I found I was very able at doing this, my natural magnetism and charm enabling me to seduce these ladies with ease.
The more women I seduced the stronger I felt. I was all-conquering. I saw someone, felt an instant connection and went after them. It did not matter if I was seeing someone already, this new person was obviously a better fit for me, otherwise why would I feel so strongly about them? It just happened to be the case that every time someone better was available and I went after them. Was it the case that my existing girlfriend was inferior or had I become bored of her? Perhaps it was a bit of both. Either way I did not ponder long on this state of affairs, there was too much to do. Too many women to bring into my life, too much admiration and praise to extract from them and the need, always the need to put them down as well, to show them who was in charge and have them weeping as I chastised them for the smallest of transgressions. No matter how much I punished them they still wanted to be with me. I had always been told I was special and this confirmed this to me. If I was not brilliant why on earth would someone who has just been called every name under the sun still want to be with me and be my girlfriend? They knew they were on to something good.
This through those early years of college and university I moved hither and zither as I gathered conquest after conquest. It was intoxicating. I was addicted to hunting these ladies down, drawing them into my world and then seeing how long they would hang around once I tired of them and began to put them down. I would keep a list of the names and the time periods, compiling this chart and seeing the list become longer and feeling powerful.
Of course back then I was no aware of what was really happening. To me this as all that mattered. This was what life was all about. The hedonism and admiration that came with it. I loved it. This was the beginning of my life-long attraction to fuel.