Fuelling the Attraction

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I remember when I was younger that I would fall in love so quickly with the objects of my desire. To me there was nothing untoward about this. I found someone who had so many attributes that I admired and loved that it was entirely conceivable that I would fall head over heels in love with them. People often speak about love at first sight. I was a great believer in that phrase as it happened to me time and time again. I could not help but feel that way. It would never last however and I soon found myself falling in love with somebody else. They appeared to me and instantly I wanted them. I was infatuated with making them mine. I wanted to please them so they would love me back in the same intense way that I loved them. I would say the most wonderful things to them and they would thank me and tell me how talented I was at writing down poems for them or with the way I would convey how I felt about them. I loved to hear this praise. I would sit and think about new ways I could get this new love of mine to think highly of me. I would concoct fresh ways of impressing them. I regularly would invent stories about the things that I had done in order to produce that amazed look and then lap up the marvellous things that they would say to me.

After a while I found that they did not say the praise as often. It became harder and harder to think of new things to say and do to draw this reaction from them. I found this unfair. Surely they realised and recognised my talent and brilliance, I knew they did because they had remarked upon it, but why did they not continue to do so? Why did I sometimes even become tired of hearing them say the same thing to me? As soon as I found the effect was less I would be off to hunt down someone new. It was easy enough. At sixth form college and then university I was immersed in a pool of intelligent, engaging ladies by the hundreds and then thousands. I merely had to place my net in the water and in moments I would catch somebody from whom I could then gather this praise and admiration I needed. I found that it yielded results for me if I had more than one girlfriend on the go at once. There were a couple of close calls and sometimes the tearful questioning I was subjected to when they became suspicious of my evasiveness or other behaviour, would take place. I felt no shame or guilt in doing this. I wanted the attention of two ladies (sometimes more). Indeed on certain nights out at university I would make it my mission to see how many I could ‘pull’ and then bask in the warmth of their admiration. When the tearful inquisitions took place I realised I was not bothered at all by their distress. I just did not care. In fact,I realised I enjoyed the fact that they were getting upset over me. I found the fact that I had made them react in this way rather edifying. I would then go out of my way to upset one girlfriend whilst adoring the other. A few times I did used to wonder if this was normal. A couple of my friends had long-term girlfriends and when we spoke they assured me they had always been faithful to them. I did not believe them. Surely they did as I did? That was part of being young and learning wasn’t it? Trying out new partners to see who you fitted with best. I just had not found the ‘one’. I often believed I had done so as when a new prospect came into view I found myself drawn to them by the most powerful force. I needed to ensure they felt the same way. I had to make them want me too. I found I was very able at doing this, my natural magnetism and charm enabling me to seduce these ladies with ease.

The more women I seduced the stronger I felt. I was all-conquering. I saw someone, felt an instant connection and went after them. It did not matter if I was seeing someone already, this new person was obviously a better fit for me, otherwise why would I feel so strongly about them? It just happened to be the case that every time someone better was available and I went after them. Was it the case that my existing girlfriend was inferior or had I become bored of her? Perhaps it was a bit of both. Either way I did not ponder long on this state of affairs, there was too much to do. Too many women to bring into my life, too much admiration and praise to extract from them and the need, always the need to put them down as well, to show them who was in charge and have them weeping as I chastised them for the smallest of transgressions. No matter how much I punished them they still wanted to be with me. I had always been told I was special and this confirmed this to me. If I was not brilliant why on earth would someone who has just been called every name under the sun still want to be with me and be my girlfriend? They knew they were on to something good.

This through those early years of college and university I moved hither and zither as I gathered conquest after conquest. It was intoxicating. I was addicted to hunting these ladies down, drawing them into my world and then seeing how long they would hang around once I tired of them and began to put them down. I would keep a list of the names and the time periods, compiling this chart and seeing the list become longer and feeling powerful.

Of course back then I was no aware of what was really happening. To me this as all that mattered. This was what life was all about. The hedonism and admiration that came with it. I loved it. This was the beginning of my life-long attraction to fuel.

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117 thoughts on “Fuelling the Attraction”

  1. Very interesting HG. I’ve been thinking about this a fair bit and some of the strategies you describe in ‘fuel’

    I guess we all have this innate desire to create a state of emotional equilibrium and we all have our own strategies in doing so. Perhaps the level of inner core wound somehow determines our actions later in life.

    Yours and that of a CD are big gaping wounds which are either repaired through cruelty or fixing.

    For those of us who Have smaller wounds, a more simple less harmful (to self or others) strategy will suffice.

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    1. It is very sad! What really helped me from the beginning was to always remember that it was nothing personal! When you can view things from this stand point, you will learn to not react and allow anything they do to upset you.

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  2. HG if it wasn’t until college or Univ. ( brits. Do both) that you discovered your attraction for fuel; when you were seeing your first Dr. At age 11 surely your parents and yourself knew something was wrong? Did you not have a thirst or need for fuel at that time? For some reason your words jump out at me! I can picture every scene in my head so vividly! Something about your writing is just so familiar. Yet another beautifully written story. Thank you. Xx

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    1. Thanks Fool Me. I didn’t see a doctor aged 11. That was a joke response to Laurel (I think) suggesting that I was 12 because my parents were paying for my treatment (and still are). She asked if I was 12 and I said I was 11. I did have a thirst for attention before sixth form college which I have come to know is fuel.

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    1. You need to keep up Laurel, I mentioned sixth form some time ago when Amanda was first mentioned! Rhodes scholar although sufficiently prestigious for someone like me is not applicable to me. Yes I have the chart still, shall I add your name?

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  3. One would argue that it is impossible for a narc to fall in love because they don’t love themselves. In order to love you have to be able to love yourself, that being said, wouldn’t it be more ‘politically correct’ to say that it was an overwhelming sensation of lust, more so than a feeling of love?

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  4. Hi HG
    You fall in love with the fuel the girl gave… ⛽️⛽️⛽️
    This brings me to 2 questions:
    Does the therapy with Dr E and Dr O also focuse on maybe discovering a way where you can replace fuel coming from people for fuel that you can provide yourself without needing to be provoking it from others???
    I am just thinking on the suppy demand principle and it is worrying to consider the fact that someday your demand would be greater than the supply you can get… 😢
    On the other side I would have thought you had that need for attention already very early, were you not calling the attention of classmates and teachers already in elementary school??

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    1. Hi survivor! We are here a club of fans of HG and not of haters and besides if you are really his mom, then be proud of such a talented writter. I think every mother in this world would feel blessed if their kids would have such skills.
      Mothers should love their kids no matter what ❤️

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      1. His mother oh please. I would lock him up in a mental institution with a straight jacket and a padded room so he can take him mind f###out on himself and suck himself dry like he does with his appliances. I don’t hate. Why do you put vomit and hate together. Shame .

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      2. I think you will find that mental health wards in hospitals do not have straitjackets or padded rooms. Nor do I belong in one. You are the crazy one, remember?

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  5. HG… first of all..I ache for you.💐 Truly. Since you seem to have no idea what you’re missing out on, forsaking a true love, someone that loves you no matter what… and also, I have to ask: If you do have a “constant” lady, why is it that you can never let her go? I ask because the narc hasn’t let me go, it’s been 14 months since the “real” break-up.. you’d think I’m his “miracle’ or something, the way he’s hoovering now.. (like he can’t make it without me). Can’t he just take his other “flings” instead? Sigh.😯 If you can say anything on this I’m forever grateful to you. Great post as always btw. 😊

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    1. Thanks survivednarc.I can let go and then I need to hoover for the sake of the fuel that arises. No he cannot take the other flings instead because the fuel we get from a successful hoover beats everything. Have you read Fuel?

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      1. ok, I see… no, since I am no (cause fo the narc) a single household, I do not spend muc money on books thaat i can not find for free… 🙂 But I thank you for your answer , it’s a good one. Hugs, and take care of yourself.. 🙂

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    2. Same situation here survivednarc.. Very strong hoover 😓 and same thinking… So many women out there!!!! Go for them..
      HG I did read fuel thanks God!!! but even understanding perfectly thanks to you , its difficilt to be hoovered when all you want is let go and move forward because at the end narc or whatever its a person with feelings… 😥 and as you may know we dont do the discard technique…

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    3. HG, is the hoovering also about making sure your ‘fuel’ is never allowed to move on from the pain that you’ve caused them?

      Or is it only ever about you and your need for fuel ?

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      1. It is about both. By not allowing you to move on we always have you there in readiness to supply fuel. Of course, some of you deserve to be punished for letting us down.

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  6. I just keep wondering if these frequent posts are attracting us, only for you to discard and disappear in the near future. I hate to admit that I like you.

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    1. Hello A, I like you too. I have no need to discard you since although I do receive some fuel from my interaction with you all and that isnosecret, it is only on a small scale so I have no need to discard in order to hoover.

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  7. I’ve learnt my ex had early signs in childhood. Apparently he would be nice to his brother if his brother had a toy he wanted( his brother has learning difficulties and is so kind and sweet ). When he got the toy off his brother he would discard him and would not even talk to him. (The signs where there 😓).
    One day it will become impossible for your kind to gain fuel as you’ll be too old and the charm won’t be enough anymore.

    It’s such a shame as I loved him unconditionally. But he has a new wife now who must appear all shiny she’s no idea that the her shine is diminishing as each day passes.

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    1. But HG will find this girl who will help him mantain the construct with love and understanding when the supply of fuel will be scarce because of age 😃😃👍🏻⛽️

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      1. Ha ha Nikita no matter how intelligent, articulate, witty and charming HG is I’d never dance the dance with him. Once bitten and all that. The doors open for you Nikita no triangulation available with me 😜😜😍

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      2. I may not see you coming HG but surely by me letting you in I’d have. let you down by not learning to keep your kind out and you’d discard me in an instance. . 😍😜😜

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      3. It most certainly is HG. Maybe I’ll have to have my intellectual repartee with you and a romance with someone else ha ha.

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      4. Thank you so much for the romantic offer but sadly I suffer with seasickness so don’t fancy any kind of boat ride especially not one in a gale force 10 swell. 😳

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      5. Freedom you are very funny 😂😂😂 I dont want any triangulation. I think all of us here have had enough share of that 😃😂

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      6. We sure have had our fair share of triangulation and other gems from the narcs tool box. But it’s good to make each other smile and laugh after our dark days x

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  8. Interesting post. I have to wonder if your existence is all about getting fuel, why share this knowledge, and how to guard against becoming prey?
    Surely your fellow narcissists ostrisize you for this..

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    1. I share it to demonstrate how formidable we are and there is plenty of fuel out there, it just has to be harvested. As for my fellow narcissists well the lower functioning ones would not realise, the somatic variety are to busy rutting to care, the higher functioning realise but they know not to mess with an elite. Ultimately they have too much fuel to hunt down to trouble themselves with trying to ostracise me.

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  9. HG its difficult to say no to you…but I rather dont go for that round of triangulation… 😝… Maybe the next one is on me 😛.. I watch from my VIP box 😃
    So many girls here fascinated by you.. 😀⛽️⛽️⛽️

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  10. HG how do you go about starting a Hoover after you discard someone? Is there signs we should be looking for? My gut ( which I should of listened to instead of my heart) tells me he is cooking something up!! Thank you for any help you can give on this one. Xo.

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    1. There are many ways to Hoover and I detail many of them in Departure Imminent and Escape although I am considering writing something on this topic alone as it is a powerful weapon and it is not always as obvious as you might think.

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      1. Please HG write something sooner then later! I know him quite we’ll and if I would of followed my instincts instead of my stupid heart I would of realized something was wrong with him from the beginning! I promise I will read all of your books!! And I never ever break a promise especially to someone as wonderful as you! Your so good maybe to good!! 😘

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  11. HG im continuing with scape and i found this peace that would be nice if you could give me examples of how you overempower a girl please 😃
    “If you are finding my behaviour too overpowering in the early stages distance yourself. I want to engulf you and my desire to do this overrides any sense of proportionate behaviour on my part. I also do not recognise normal boundaries “

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  12. Youre always in my heart HG… maybe tomorrow I go for the triangulation with Freedom 😃.. You offer her the boat ? And me??

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      1. Is that so she can swim ashore when you discard Nikita from the boat and we sail off into the sunset HG ??

        Nikita how about HG has the life jacket and we sail off ha ha. I’m sure I won’t need seasickness tablets then as it will all be plain sailing. We could have a yacht and have a boat party invite Alexis and Sheila and all the other survivors. We might even let HG stay awhile 😜x

        Bedtime for me now, need sleep so I can save all those lives tomorrow 😊

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    1. Nikita, this is the man who is self-proclaimed “EVIL”. Why on earth do you seek to have him offer you anything, except the information he’s able to provide? Me, I’ll take the insight, blow a kiss, and run never to be caught.

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      1. Nikita! Snap out of it! For an avid animal lover as yourself, have you selectively let it slip that H.G. triangulated the sisters when he got bored with the one who was his girlfriend and tired of walking her dog? When cheating with sis, girlfriend came home and with unfolding drama, dog ran out and got hit with a car. Got rid of all 3 in one fell swoop. I’ll enjoy his lovely sides from a distance… way across the pond.

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  13. I love your writings and scary enough so many similarities of my ex. I really need this from you but yes my ex n has continued to hoover me for a year now. I’ve tried many things even as far as sending his girlfriend his texts he sends me and that he has cheated their while relationship. Yes he triangulates…I admit the sex is amazing. But why if he knows I’m not afraid to expose who he really is…why is he still hoovering? He admitted to me several times in the last month he is addicted to me but if he loves his girlfriend soooo much why does he need to be addicted to me? Please enlighten me

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    1. Hello Coach, he is not addicted to you but to the fuel you provide. The sweetest fuel comes from hoovering a former intimate partner, that is why we do it. If we are triangulating it also evokes a strong emotional response from the person we are with so even more fuel. Read Fuel if you need to know more. When you send his gf the texts all you are doing is giving him fuel and if his gf reacts on receiving them he gets more fuel from her. I know it may seem odd to you that someone would not be bothered about being exposed in this way but we don’t care so long as there is an emotional reaction with it.

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  14. A survivors party sounds fun freedom.

    Hmmm let HG stay for a while ? Do you think he would let us stay for a while ?

    Maybe he would, just to inflict a bit more terror and see the look of fear in our eyes, so okay, maybe we could let him stay…………….

    What games shall we play ?

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      1. Naughty me, maybe you could tell Alexis and Nikita how ungrateful I am and how much I hurt you !

        You advertise your engagement in the times !!! When you said to me why did we need to do that let’s just run away together and get married at sunset on a sandy beach. All that matters is we’re together. Charming now I’m angry.

        ( how’s the fuel gauge going now HG)

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      2. I am publicly breaking our engagement 😡😡 to me you did not promise the Sandy beach. i guess youre better off with her….That if she still wants you

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      3. As long as you’re prepared to spend lots of money on me HG !! I’ll give you all the fuel you want. My last N was not so extravagant !! I may not have gone NC so quickly if he’d have bought me expensive gifts. Scented or not

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      4. Well they’re playing our song HG 😆😆😆😆

        Don’t worry Alexis , he’ll be hoovering again soon.

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    1. Alexis and Freedom. I propose we let HG stay and he brings other members of his club and wd have a hot party in that boat full of fuel 😛⛽️😝. Does it sound fun?

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      1. Hahah I’ll try anything once Nikita, sounds risky but fun !!!

        Yup keep the other Ns there too, it would be too easy for HG if he had all us lovely ladies to himself.

        We need to make him work for his fuel or he may think we’ve let him down x

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      2. 😂😂 alexis!!! Poor HG , youre trying to take fuel away from him.. I think he is more making kind of a risk management. If one of us lets him down, then there is the other one and the other one… So non stop flow ⛽️⛽️⛽️. What a guy HG isnt he??

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  15. Clarence 😂😂 thanks for the heads up. I laugh because you speak to me like If I would be marrying HG somewhen in the near future….
    You cant deny he is a very charming and intelligent man… Worth the flirt 😛… Dont worry we are not getting, married nor engaged … 😂😂😂
    Of course the story is very sad…but its his past…. We are all learning in a fun way here arent we?? I always have to have fun clarance.

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      1. Really so fast?? Maybe we should wait a bit?? That we know each other better??
        Before we get married you will have to explain to me about the dog!! You know I love dogs !!!

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      2. I feel like I have know you my whole life. Ahh the dog, poor dog, he escaped and met an untimely end. Such is life (or rather a lack of it in his case)

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      3. Darling I miss you 😭😭 dont want to break up our engagement anymore …. Waiting for you to hoover me 💞

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  16. I dont know survivor what has been your own experience with vomiting but I do hate vomiting and therefor the association.
    On the other side I am familiar with mental institutions because of voluntary work I did and other situations that Im not sharing with you and If I do remember something is the pain and sufferement you can feel from the people in a mental institution. Caught in a situation they want to get out of but for some reason they cant or at least not as fast as they would want to.
    You seem to be a very uncompassionate person, and very very cold just mentioning such a situation.
    And like HG says, I agree I did not see anybody in straight jackets nor padded rooms.

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    1. Nikita you dont know me .. If I was like that I would not ever have been in relationships with ass holes to begin with. And not wanted to end my life several times. And not been hoovered like crazy. Which he could not get right this time and from now on never. They destroy lives and the people you love most. Maybe you and HG and be together in loony bin by the looks of your comment.
      Strange how you would state that when your in a Mental Hospital where one wants to come out but cannot , was that not your and all us survivors feeling in the end when your in hell with the narc. I sound like a in compassionate person … im the most compassionate forgiving person you will ever meet thats why ive been so soul raped near to killing myself, but for them when they are discarding you are they compassionate…you make me laugh though.

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      1. Hi survivor

        I know the pain you talk of, I to wanted to end it all as I couldn’t take the pain. But we have to stay strong, we are only having banter with HG, and laughter is good for us. We are well aware of HG js and be makes bones about who and what he is. With this in mind we try to use the insight into their workings so we can never ever end up in that dark lonely hell again. I really hope you are on the mend, back on track to rebuilding your soul and life. Some of the others stories of pain can help you see you’re not alone. Don’t lash out it only gives him fuel and from reading HGs books it’s apparent that kind of reaction gives him the most. So just drip feed the fuel take what info and help you need to have a happy life narc free. Sending hugs x

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      2. Thought it might. I decided I would take the parental role for once.

        Night night sleep tight don’t let the bed bugs bite.

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  17. Survivor sorry then for having called you cold… I wish you a good recovery from all the pain you went through.
    I believ people at mental hospitals do suffer alot and so I considered your comment unnapropriate.
    I can say I am recovering from the pain of my relationships in s good way. This blog helped tremendously!!! In addition I have forgiven those 2 guys for all the lies and could move forward… Hope the same for you and I know its not easy but sending you positive energy to stay strong.

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