Feeling Stripped

Feelings are an unnecessary burden and thankfully I have been relieved of many of them, being left only with those which are deemed necessary to enable me to pursue the harvesting of fuel. Feelings blur and weaken. How many times have you heard your alarm go off in the morning and you have rolled over feeling like you do not want to get up? Many times I should imagine. That feeling of apprehension about what the day holds for you, despondency at what has happened to you and dread about what you have to do weakens you and holds you back. You spend much of your life in the pursuit of this notion of happiness but are you ever truly happy? Do you look at what you have and wish you had more? Do you look at other people around you and imagine how happy they must be and you wish that you were more like them? All you achieve is bitterness. Perhaps you do feel happy but as the empath that you are you see those who you regard as less happy than you and you wish that they could be more like you. All you achieve is vanity. You spend so much of your time seeking to be happy and then you worry about whether it is fleeting in nature. You express concern that you just want to be happy and spend more and more time trying to achieve this state of nirvana. You suffer from feeling sadness which leads to paralysis and indecision. You feel frustrated which sucks up your energy and leaves you feeling spent. You take pride in your ability to feel and to be able to feel on behalf of others yet all you are doing is allowing yourself to be burdened. Why bother pursuing those feelings which are regarded as positive, such as joy, happiness and elation? Is the effort truly worth it when you get there only for it to be a fleeting moment which then casts you into despondency? What was the point of that? Why allow yourself to be mired in upset, misery and dejection? You achieve nothing as you slowly sink into a quagmire of such negativity. Your feelings deceive you, press down on you and above all else allow us to manipulate you. It is because you feel this array of emotions that you provide us with emotional reactions. Of course you know that these emotional reactions create my fuel. Your feelings are to blame.

I never acquired these feelings. This is because the pursuit of fuel cannot be distracted by these cumbersome emotions. They serve no purpose and thus were never developed. I am built for the acquisition of fuel and nothing else. I am an efficient design, single-minded and driven. All excess baggage was not jettisoned, it was never stowed on board to begin with. I am not wholly without feelings. I have been developed in a way to allow certain feelings, those that aid my purpose, to come to the fore. I feel fury which ensures that I can exert control over other people and thus extract fuel from them. I feel envy which drives me on to strip away those traits from other people which I need to create my construct. If I felt no envy, I would not want these characteristics – thus this feeling serves a purpose. There is no superfluous feeling connected with me. I feel jealousy which again causes me to strive to better that person by lauding my own achievements and prompting a reaction which garners positive fuel or by berating the person of whom I am jealous and thus I harvest negative fuel. I feel hatred. This allows me to see everything as it truly is. Hatred hones and brings into sharp focus the reality of this cruel world and thus I am better able to navigate my way through it. Hatred is visceral, it is not fluffy or amorphous. It does not cloud or blur. It is direct, straight to the point and electrifying in its capacity to allow me to always go forward. All of these feelings and ones of a similar nature have been fashioned around me to assist me in my quest for fuel. Each one discharges a method of enabling me to gather fuel so that I can feel the ultimate emotion. My pursuit of fuel is predicated on the use of these various emotions with the sole purpose of allowing me to feel that emotion which I prize above all others.

I feel powerful.

I am powerful.

12 thoughts on “Feeling Stripped

  1. sepultura13 says:

    Powerful…like a shark. But just like that predator, you have your weaknesses. When we recognize and identify those weaknesses, the power is gone. That tap on the nose or the sharp hit to the gills is all it takes…and the prey is gone.
    C’est la vie.

    1. malignnarc says:

      Indeed so.

  2. D says:

    Lmao that’s your business!
    Honestly happy I’m not dependant on fuel.
    The only thing I admire about you people is how proactive you are. After meeting my narc I’ve tried to implement that quality in a positive way. I’ve learnt to take more control over my own happiness. Apart from that I don’t admire you people at all. I guess the feeling is mutal.

    1. malignnarc says:

      But I love you D!

      1. D says:

        Is that it?
        Where are my gifts?

  3. Blessings to you in your endeavours and maintaining your power.
    I’m simply happy to feel ❤

  4. You have come to the discursive formations of empathy?

  5. nikitalondon says:

    The article is very good reflection upon the seek for happiness VS the seek for fuel.
    Except for the piece where you say fleeting moments leave us sorrounded by dejection and bitterness…??
    This is far from being true. It is true that we find happiness in meeting that friend, doing that walk, going to that party, watching a sunset, helping out in institutions or shelters, having that talk, reading a good book ( HG’s book for example) , or doing nothing at all and we are still happy.
    I would say it is a much more sustainable way to feel okay and at ease. I dont say it is better or right or wrong but less risky because we take life as it comes.
    On the other side the desire for having and feeling powerful is much riskier because as you say it has to be constructed and as where we flow with life and with what life brings, seeking for situations of power become more and more difficult as time goes by.
    Professionally there are always younger people coming, from top models, tv presenters, sports people and top managers, they are all somewhen being replaced by younger ones. Also with comtrolling people, somewhen the controlled person gets tired of all the comtrol -depending on the type of control exerted- and seeks to gain independence, and like this, what does not flow naturally with life is more difficult to mantain.
    I know the main “feeling” for narcissists is being powerful but I have seen some change this need for “externally constructed power” to something they can construct without depending on other people. Or at least partially… I dont know all details in the life of the people I interact with.
    What do you think HG of this example.
    Like 6 months ago there was this new external consultant joining the company and my floor and of course like every narcissist they gravitate to me, so I would chat with this person briefly at the coffee machine.
    i noticed pretty fast the narcissistic traits but I do treat him like any other person, and anyway he is a good talker like most narcissists I know.
    So the comversations are all about him. I never get to say one word. He barely knows my name and where I come from thats it.
    So its has gone from his academic and profesional achievements ( diploma from MIT) to how many appartments he owns in Budapest, to all the girlfriends he had had, specially much younger ones, although his wife and currently failed marriage is older than him, and now the most important and to what he dedicateS most of the time talking about is his sport achievements.
    He does snow trekking and has beem to Himalya and everywhere around the world and every weekend goes to some 3000 meter which he climbs mainly with skies on he always shows me tons of pictures of the beautiful panorama, he the only one in his team doing it all the way up with skis and of course taking his shirt off and taking a shirtless selfie on the very top posing as a champion.
    Last week he turned 51 and its a habitude to gather around the coffee are to celebrate birthdays. As this guy only speaks to 4/150 people on the floor there were not many people around and I had the opportunity to talk longer than 10 minutes to him as this the most I speak to him at the coffee machine and he was in reflective mode and told me about how once power and career and many had occupied his mind for very long, now he could not wait to work some years more and retire and leave behind all this stressfull BS, and live from his rent, the money the appartments would give him and concetrate on being the best trekker, the best alpine skier, the best uncle for the baby of his niece, the best owner for his newly acquired dog…
    So I think this guy applied a derivate to the power equation of his construct.

    Sorry if my thoughts are too long but this is what the posting inspired me to say 😃.
    Nice Sunday HG. ⛽️⛽️⛽️☀️

  6. apocalipznow says:

    The pursuit of fuel sounds like an even bigger bummer every morning to have to wake up to. Empaths carry our fuel within us, so the urgency to spring out of bed and receive a fuel fix (other than coffee) at the crack of dawn eludes us.. That warm cozy bed 5 more minutes is my kind of fuel.

    1. apocalipznow says:

      So you only feel the even shittier emotions (ones that raise your blood pressure) like jealousy, rage, fury, etc? Other than having an unlimited amount of fuel, you can’t describe what joy is, or what you perceive it to be. And sometimes the best feelings in the world are tears of joy. It’s so strong and heartfelt and overwhelming it causes us to cry. Trip out that you’ve never experienced that.

      1. malignnarc says:

        I feel power as well. I will take that, you’ve got tears of joy, I do love tears of joy though when I have brought them about of course!

        1. apocalipznow says:

          Really? Ok I’ll expect a check from you shortly. A substantial one. And believe you me…here come the waterworks !!! THANK YOU HG!!!

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