Nightlife

 

 

How many times have you stood outside the study door and pressed you ear against the door in the hope of hearing something? Many times I would wager. You press it closer and close your eyes as if shutting off one sense might just aid another. Is that our voice you can hear? It is difficult to tell as the frenetic and anxious beating of your heart causes the blood to roar in your ears and you cannot tell if that is us speaking in a low murmur, the sound of a television or the incessant hum of the technology on the other side of this portal. Are we speaking to someone or is that now the clack of the keyboard as our fingers glide across it? What is it that we are doing beyond this door? Your hand reaches out to the handle but you know that it is pointless. The door will be locked. It was not long after we began these night time residences in the study that a lock was fitted and you have never seen the key. The room is always locked when we are in it. The room is always locked when we are not in it. You have no access. You once went to find a ladder, determined to peer in through the window and see what lies within. Strange thoughts of witnessing bizarre experiments flicked through your mind, visions of some hybrid beast chained and caged, a monster yet to be unleashed, yet as you looked up you could see that the blinds had been closed. Once again we had out strode you.

Even if a locked door did not bar your access you know that as soon as you began to open the door we would appear at it, face filling the crack, bodyweight behind it preventing you from pushing it open any further, our suspicious face blocking you from seeing what lay within. We soon ushered you away, muttering about having important work to do. You made kind noises, suggesting that we worked too hard and inviting us to allow you ingress so you might massage our shoulders but your suggestion did not even merit a reply as the door was shoved shut once again. You shall not pass might as well have been etched on the timber.

Now you walk past, the cold blue light leaking from underneath the door, evidence of the technology at work inside. You always pause and contemplate what we could be doing. What is it that engrosses us to such a degree that we are preoccupied inside this place nearly every night, from after dinner until late. You gave up trying to stay awake for our eventual appearance in bed. Now, you awake in the night and find that we have magically appeared beside you, having soundlessly and lightly entered the room and climbed into bed. Occasionally you have debated looking for the key as we slept and trying to access our place of refuge but you have come to fear and dread the backlash from such clandestine behaviour as it as if we sleep with one eye open. We always catch you when you start to play us at our own game, with sneaking about and covert activities.

Truth be told you have no idea what goes on when we indulge in our night life. You may be told we are working or enjoying watching a film in peace, without the interruption of children, animals, telephones or you. There just might be a film on in the background but the only work that is being undertaken is of the plotting kind. We are busy tending to our growing kingdom of admirers as we flick between the first ‘phone, the second ‘phone and the computer. Technological tendrils radiate away from these devices as we scour the dating sites, pick up the previous evening’s flirtations with someone with an inviting user name and bat back and forth the messages with a new prospect on Facebook. Our inbox bulges with the fruit of our nefarious labours, the computer screen contains an array of different tabs and notifications as the world of social media lights up the monitor. Messages, emoticons and pictures cascade towards us as we drink up this fuel. We reply to text messages, plan arrangements to meet, indulge in sending sexual snares to capture a willing victim and requesting plenty of pictures to send to the hard drive which is attached to the computer. The heat from these exchanges would readily power the house for a week. You may hear a film but it will not be the latest block buster or some critically acclaimed production. Instead we will be staring glassy eyed at the naked figures which contort for out imagined direction. Our fingers grip the mouse and with each click we delve deeper and deeper into the vast array of pornography, our tastes becoming ever more extreme and dangerous. Some nights we might spend ten seconds watching one piece of footage before our eyes are drawn to a more enthralling thumbnail beneath which we dutifully click on. Then another and another. We watch everything but see nothing as we flit like a butterfly from one porn site to another, dancing across the categories, inserting our own searches as we seek that elusive hit that satisfies us. Our eyes widen as an e-mail arrives and we immediately open it, delighting in the messages we can see racking up on our ‘phones. We are gorging on flirtation, infidelity and voyeurism. Like a glutton we cannot get enough as we stuff ourselves with the fuel that flows from so many supply lines. As we do so our thoughts drift to you lying alone, no doubt wondering what we are doing and we allow ourselves a smile as we savour that drop of negative fuel, imagining your discomfort and loneliness.

It begins as an hour after dinner. Then two. Soon external appointments start to be discarded and avoided in order to make a return to the mothership and plug in to all of the waiting admirers in chatrooms, across the internet and in cyberspace. Soon the entire evening is given over to this pursuit and then it bleeds into the early hours until we are still sat wired and fuelled, clicking and surfing as the first rind of dawn can be seen on the horizon. This is our nightlife.

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42 thoughts on “Nightlife”

  1. I also sleep with “one eye open”; as has always been my way since childhood. My mother states I awoke if she simply turned the door handle as a baby. A useful trait when raising children. Perhaps not so much so, when trying to keep a certain distance from others.
    For me, although I know it was not your specific intention, this post simply confirmed my stance that if it is not us, then it will be others who seek to oblige your needs; so why bother with such a man. I have learnt to obtain my needs from others in part and that their appreciation and gratitude never comes back to bite me in the behind; and the rest I obtain from myself. We have technology too and our needs are not like yours. The less I contend with you, the more I can seek genuine encounters with others. The love of Friendship is a beautiful thing indeed. Sharing of self, and of others joy and helping them through their pain is very fulfilling. Life is, indeed, primarily, for me, about helping others and I receive immense joy from the exchange. Movies, Books, and writing fulfill much of my needs in the evening, but it is the unlikely exchanges and friendships that develop online that provide a sense of connection with the world for us, whilst being seemingly alone to you; I am fulfilled. What you think of me is none of my business. I no longer care to send myself, or my energy, in any direction that is unavailable to me. I care about myself too much to continue to do that. I can’t help you and I don’t wish to harm you. You dont need me. The world is full of appliances and you are free to do as you see fit with as many of themas you prefer, just as I am and I now embrace that truth.
    Lovely reminder of why I feel peace atm…

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  2. I think this situation can be applied to any marriage or couple relationship which has fallen in a monotonous situation independent if the one of the persons is a narcissist or not.
    Then this kind of situations became the everyday as its easier to flirt and get to know people on the internet than rather go out and look for.
    Probably this tends to be more frequent around people with NPD due to the quest for fuel, but not all do like to spend their time with peple they dont know.
    What an excellent article. When I read you its like making my own movie. The picture again EXCELLENT!!! First scene of the movie!!! And then the super good explanation that can be throughly understood through words and images because you way of writting really invites the reader to make a picture in its head.
    You write on the level of script writers I would say. Thanks alot HG.
    Its so nice start the day reading you !!! Really ☀️☀️☀️☀️.

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  3. PS
    I imagine that having an stable/happy/fueled/ loving/ ukderstanding/ ( depending on the person), can avoid the partner engaging in such activities of online flirting, pornography, etc etc.

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    1. Nikita- you don’t think that kind of relationship is possible with a Narc do you?

      What HG describes here is NOT found in run of the mill relationships that have just gotten stale., is that what you think?

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      1. Hi Bethany

        Maybe I was not clear enough. As I said this posting can be the story of a non narc couple or a narc couple then that is why i said love/fueled.
        So to answer your question: No a relationship based on how we describe love cant be with a narcissist.
        Its the HMS with a narcissist and this is not what we define love.

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      1. Um… hmm, it is hard to say. I think the worst part about it was that he knew that I was lonely in bed and didn’t care… *shudders* I am so glad I do not have to endure that anymore.

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      2. Well, he didn’t have a room of his own… he just went to the living room and stayed there. I know what he was doing cause I checked the internet history thingie… Sometimes he was just watching a movie on tv and preferred to fall asleep on the couch instead of next to me… it felt like he wanted to distance himself somehow. Other times he did what you say in your post, like the porn and the dating sites and so on. But most of all, I felt that it was all a way to get more distance between us. (Like he was in a panic mode or something). I don’t know, it was all just so weird, like he couldn’t be close enough to another human being to sleep next to them every night….

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  4. Taking notes again HG for your “research”/greater understanding? 😜
    I sometimes think you should be a therapist…no, you’d break every code of conduct there is. As, naturally, only yours would apply.

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      1. Well, I recall that you cant seduce and …. your clients. It’s a conflict of interest.
        I recall you mentioning similar intentions with one of yours therapists

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  5. As long as you don’t wish them to become your primary source, I’d say they graduate (aka heal) in record time.
    You could always recommend your books etc too, without disclosing your identity. It’s a win/win

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  6. Reading this makes me feel sick. I always told myself the things I imagined to be happening were crazy and over the top….and then I found out I was wrong.
    I appreciate how honestly you share this HG.

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  7. This is the most fascinating post ever, HG. Please consider this topic as a book subject. It would be very intriguing to read more about what goes on behind that locked door. How many women in a given night? How do you handle the combinations of fuels at the same time? I envision one typing furiously to you about her silent treatment, while another one is sending you pictures. A new one being idealized, while another is being devalued. Back and forth – from one to the other. What are they saying?? Truly fascinating. Thank you for this post.

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    1. Hello Hope, I am pleased you found it interesting. I had not thought about it as a topic for a book subject so far although it does make an extended appearance in a forthcoming book ” 24 Hours : Inside the Mind of a Narcissist” which describes twenty four hours inside my head with the ensuing narrative and this type of behaviour does appear.

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  8. The nightlife !! I could write a book on this purely from my perspective of course 🙂

    Ex N spent every waking moment at his P.C even when I was around . It was as though he was at the helm of a ship , tabs open to social media , web sites , money making sites , stocks & shares. Skype . Porn. Openly admitted that he participated in a five knuckle shuffle several times a day watching it. AS you say HG more & more extreme as time moved on ..

    Mobile phone , always in his pocket , constantly beeping away . He took it everywhere even to the toilet . Constantly checking in with messenger . Ping , ping ping .. more fuel .

    Then there was FB .. I was never allowed to be friends with him .

    Relationship status SINGLE .. Photo’s hidden . He’d sit and tap away at his laptop when he came to stay , preferred to chat with his online harem rather than sit and have a conversation with me . I was lonely when he was in the room , couldn’t really see the point of him coming to stay , which caused endless arguments & as always he’d end up hurting me to shut me up , hurting me & breaking my things & at the same time flirting with his minions, he couldn’t bare to be away from them so had to shut me up rather than close his laptop lid . Of course he was also using it for the smear campaign against me . ” She’s started, lunatic Bi polars at it again ” Naturally they all believed him . And once I was out of the way , nursing the bruises it was business as usual . Tapping away till the early hours before coming to bed and either expecting things to be back to normal or throwing another punch in my direction .

    Evil B%stard !! Sorry about my language HG but this post has really hit a nerve with me today . He’s a pure C8Nt .

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      1. A pleasure as always HG , glad for the chance to have a rant really , it’s quite cathartic in many ways 🙂

        He was so secretive & sneaky with it all . The lies just poured out of his mouth online as long at he was getting the + fuel .. He’d be posting to his minions on FB then on another forum picking a fight .

        I’ve been thinking today why he kept coming back at the weekends have I got this right HG ? Friday & Sat nights must’ve been narc heaven for him, he was getting tons of positive fuel online, then on top of that the all the negative from me ? He wouldn’t stop no matter how many times I asked him it would always be FB first & me second . He knew I hated it but clung to it like his life depended on it .. Am I right HG ? was it the attraction of both ?

        Thank you 🙂

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      2. Thank you very much for that HG another question answered 🙂

        I have another if that’s okay ?

        I often wonder if he’s controlling his parents . I sometimes called after the attacks , rather than get the police involved . They would dutifully get up & dressed to pick him up , witness the state I was in , he’d be standing there calm obviously , but they never ever said anything to him about his behavior towards me . In fact on one occasion at narcs request his dad disconnected my PC & loaded it into the car despite my protests . N always took my PC or Laptop as punishment after he’d hurt me

        I’ve witnessed first had ex N in one of his” moods “, usually something about nothing & his mother would fuss around in a complete state while his dad sat silently in his chair .

        His new fuel source has been welcomed with open arms , smiley happy faces for the photo’s again I assume nothing said . As a parent if I EVER found out my children had abused anyone I would disown them .

        Now that I’m finding the answers I’m convinced he is ? Is this a common trait with Narcs ?

        I can’t say it enough but this blog is truly amazing HG . Thank you .

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      3. You are welcome So Sad.

        Would you really disown your child? Really? I am interested because I think you would much more likely try to help and “fix” them first. In part because you want to help and in part because you do not want the person you raised to reflect badly on you.

        Yes he will be perfectly capable of controlling his parents. From the brief description you provide his mother may well be like him and will see nothing wrong in his behaviour. Either that or she knows what will happen if she rejects the control and decides it is best to take his side and why not? He is her son after all. Dad says nothing but does not protest. He has learned there is no point, it only results in grief. He adopts the path of least resistance.

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      4. Thank you HG .

        Would I try to fix them ? As much as I love them knowing what I know now probably not , but then I’m emotionally scarred by Ncs abuse so I imagine this reflects the way I feel about it .

        If I hadn’t experienced it then yes I supposed I would try to ” fix” It because every parent wants the best for their children .

        However his parents saw the bruises he left me with , they knew he was hurting me but never told him it was wrong .

        Your mother is trying her best to ” fix” you with the therapists but has she witnessed first hand you abuse ? As Ex Narcs did ?

        She knows something is inherently wrong but because you don’t leave the bruises she’s probably as confused as your targets .

        Hope my post make sense .

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  9. What a boring waste of hours I get my fuel laughing and loving with real life people sounds dull get a real sex lifewith passion it’s much more fun u sound like an old saddo

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  10. There are plenty of men who leave their wives or girlfriends alone in bed at night, starving for sexual fulfillment, while they surf the net for porn. There’s nothing special or overly narcissistic about that – it’s called being a man in a day and age where sex is so readily available.

    I have nothing against porn at all. In fact, I enjoy watching it.

    But, nothing, and I mean nothing, beats the real thing.

    HG, that’s where I’m intrigued, I guess. Wouldn’t you get more fuel from getting your partner to carry out these depraved acts, against her will? I understand you’re getting fuel from driving her insane wondering what you’re doing behind closed doors, but I would think you’d get an awful lot of fuel from making her do something extreme and depraved that she doesn’t necessarily want to do (but would do in an effort to please you).

    By the way, I’m reading your books. I’ve made it through Evil, Fuel and Manipulated.

    I am riveted, to say the least. I find your depravity absolutely captivating.

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    1. B and T, a prolonged dose of the nightlife as detailed is an effective way of drawing fuel from several sources both positive and negative and does not require much effort. The occasional return to the bed and the instigation of depraved acts against the better will and judgement of the individual will indeed draw considerable negative fuel but there is also effort required with that. It is balancing the two. There is also the fact that even though what goes on in the bed may not be enjoyed the fact we have returned to it provides some comfort and relief to the victim – this provides further fuel. That relief could not occur without the contrast of denying our presence, hence the need for occasional seclusion. It all knits together. I am pleased by your captivation, there is plenty more of that to be found in the other published works and even more to come off the over heating keyboard.

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      1. I suspected it had to do with effort, but I know that you`re not above putting in maximum effort to achieve maximum result, so wanted to be sure.

        I see you as a beautiful, but highly venomous spider, weaving this stunning web of malignant depravity. A web that is nearly impossible to break, depending on who becomes ensnared within its sticky tendrils.

        I`ve seen a lot of comments on here from those who seem to admire you, but also admit your words and honesty makes them sick.

        I find it fascinating, brilliant and something to be admired. I`ve said it before and I`ll say it again, you narcissists certainly make the world a much more interesting, albeit dangerous, place.

        Then again, I`ve never been one to shy away from danger….

        Another question for you – without naming names, is there anyone on this blog that you`d love to meet in real life and destroy? Anyone whom, based on comments left and fuel extraction potential, whom you`ve though, “Pity we’re not able to meet in real life…I could have some real fun with you.”

        I can spot a few, but wonder if they’re the same ones you’d choose.

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      2. Thank you for your kind words, eloquently put.

        I would like to meet every single person who has commented on this blog. I don’t think they would all reciprocate though. I would never destroy them though, I need something to return to.

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  11. Oh I think some would for sure.

    But we always need to keep in mind that….curiosity killed the cat.

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  12. There is a nightlife of the victim too: spending hours and hours searching the internet for informations on borderline personality disorder and narcissistic personality disorder… looking for clues… becoming an expert in psychiatry…. And: doing detective’s work… flip through dating sites… stumble over his nickname…. look for detective services who could search him out… reading the reports of other victims… hoping to meet someone online who was involved with the same person… and so on…
    Thank you so very much Mr Tudor for the extremely vivid, intense, and realistic description….

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