The Emotional Sea : The First Battle
Everything we do is regarding as a battle. It is a zero-sum game. What you lose, we gain. There may appear to be a “win/win” scenario during seduction but it is not the case. Believe me, we are getting what we want, The Prime Aims, foremost of which is control over you and positive fuel in huge quantities and the repeated binding as we draw you closer and closer to us. You are made to feel like a king or queen, but you will be deposed and beheaded or defenestrated in due course. You always pay for the golden period we shower you with.
We draw up our battle plans when we ready ourselves to seduce you. The Greater Narcissist adopts the approach of every battle is won before it is fought and operates through calculation, planning and a degree of instinct. The Lesser of our kind remain effective but they rely on being a blunt weapon, not possessing the intellectual finesse of Greaters. The lesser operates through instinct alone and relies on the visceral (unknown) need for fuel and control to drive his battle strategy. This is similar also for The Mid-Range Narcissists who also are driven by instinct although their approach is above that of the Lessers, aided by generally higher cognitive function. The Lesser is all about reaction and immediate response, an automatic adjustment, which is invariably successful because he has been blessed with those tools, blunt as they may be. The Mid-Range does have more subtlety with his reactions and responses, but they are no less instinctive.
Our engagement with you is not love. It is war. We conquer, overrun and blitzkrieg you into submission. We occupy you so that your heart and mind fall to us within moments. This army of occupation does not stop there as it raids the land it now resides in. Your resources become our resources and we ensure that our supply lines are fed from your assets.
The occupation eventually takes a savage turn through devaluation as we slash and burn, looking to grind you into the dirt before leaving you a stripped, bomb-blasted shell and setting off for a new campaign against some unsuspecting target. The theme of battle and your entanglement with our kind being a battleground, is one which is repeated throughout your engagement with us.
This is especially so once the callous disengagement has taken place. Disengagement is most common with the Intimate Partner Primary Source (wife, husband, cohabitee, partner, boyfriend or girlfriend), although it can happen with Intimate and Non-Intimate Secondary Sources, but it is rarer. Those secondary sources are more usually treated in a shelf manner, however the emotional battle is applicable to those in the relevant dynamic of secondary source with the narcissist. It is then that you find yourself confronted with three battles which take place one after the other. Not only do you have us as your foe but in an especially unappealing turn of events you find that in fact you are actually fighting against yourself. The first battle following disengagement is the emotional one.
You have been left with no explanation. If one was tendered it made no sense. You cannot reconcile where you are with what has been. The descent from gilded pillar into the dust has been swift and merciless. Whilst we (usually) do not set out to destroy you, it may feel that way to you or that has occurred as a collateral consequence of the pursuit of The Prime Aims. Every day you have run the gauntlet of scores of emotions, which has drained you, eroded you and taken a significant toll on your well-being.
Your emotions are red raw, heightened and easy to trigger. Your pain is extensive, agonising and brutal and it is during this emotional battle that your ally of cool, detached thinking has not fled the battlefield, it never turned up to begin with. Your ability to assess, rationalise and consider you position with the necessary critical analysis evades you.
All you are left with is a cauldron of emotion, which serves only to heighten your distress and your confusion. Nothing makes sense and you have not been left in a position to make any sense of what has happened. This is entirely deliberate and is put in place by the narcissism. It is consciously deliberate where you are dealing with a Greater Narcissist and unconsciously deliberate where you are dealing with a Lesser or Mid-Range Narcissist. I know so many of you use the phrase “hot mess”. This is entirely apt. You are a mess. Your life is a mess. The heat comes from your raging emotions as you veer between hysteria and anger.
Of the three battles that you fight post disengagement, the emotional battle, the first, is the one which you invariably end up losing. This is because you are utterly ill-equipped. If you were an army your troops would be sharing guns, you would not know which way to face, your supply lines have been overstretched and, in some places, broken and the enemy seems to appear at will. The fog of war obscures your vision. Is that us advancing or just the silhouette of a tree? You cannot tell.
Once you could, but no longer. It is a tortuous place and one which has been created through our design in order to ensure that when we return (and we will) you will be in no position to resist. Weakened, governed by emotional thinking rather than intellectual logical thinking you will be overrun easily. Intelligence is now defence, this is not about intelligence but the fact that your emotional thinking is far too strong for what little logic may exist.
This battle, where all you have is emotion, means that you want the pain to stop. You want the golden period again. You give no consideration or thought to what the price of such desires might be, or whether it really is the golden period once more. You are ruled by emotional thinking and this proves to be your downfall. We know this (Consciously or Unconsciously) and this is why our narcissism ensure syou are a churning, broiling scorching crucible of emotion. Our narcissism creates it, we want that. This is why your first attempt at no contact (without the benefit of specialist input form me) nearly always falls.
You are not equipped to prolong it because in this emotional battle all it takes is for us to come galloping over the hill once again, offering terms of the golden period and you surrender in an instant allowing us to occupy your territory once more in the understandable but ultimately forlorn hope of a peaceful co-existence.
As you drown in the emotional sea once again, you will feel a rescuing hand grab you and haul you out. Your relief is immense. The rescuing hand belongs to us and such is the effect of your emotional thinking that you will return into our grasp. The hoover that we deploy as we rescue you from the emotional sea succeeds so readily because you want to escape the turmoil and the quickest way to do so is to return to us.
What makes it worse is that as your rescuer we grant you a new golden period and thus your emotional thinking cons you further by telling you that it was absolutely fine to go back because ‘look everything is as it once was’. You have been rewarded for agreeing to return and therefore that was the right decision wasn’t it? Your emotional thinking rules supreme again as it cons you into thinking that this is the best outcome.
Your immersion in the emotional sea has permeated throughout you, any logic that was trying to gain a foothold to make you see clearly has been flooded out. Logic cannot make itself heard and you are drawn back into our grasp once again.
How do you win this first emotional battle? You cannot. You are in such a position that we always win this battle. The key however is not to participate in this battle but rather avoid it altogether. If you know there is a battle you cannot win, why would you ever fight it?
You would not. You would evade your foe, take steps to bolster your defences and seek to avoid this emotional battle. This is what you must do. Once you have gained awareness of the foe you are engaged with, possibly during seduction or more likely through the period of devaluation, you must then take those steps to prepare yourself. You either avoid the emotional battle altogether by escaping rather than being disengaged from (discarded). Alternatively, you steel yourself for the inevitable disengagement so that the emotional fallout is massively reduced and instead you find yourself transported to the second battle that takes places post discard which I shall expand on next.
If you have been disengaged, then you face the emotional battle and you will lose. You must avoid the emotional battle in its entirety or engage on terms in the second battle which follows post disengagement.
How do you eventually avoid this first emotional battle?
How do you start to journey across the emotional sea rather than continue to drown in it?
You use my work.
My work, works.
You are here. It is time to GOSO, get out, stay out.
40 thoughts on “The Emotional Sea : The First Battle”
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I escaped after almost six years entanglement two years ago, but I broke NC four months ago – after repeated hoovers from him.
I recently broke it off and «escaped» again, but this time I am not sure what my «role» was, if I wAs the IPPS or just a secondary source. What I do know, is that he was using me for sex/ fuel, while he was actually trying to win somebody else, (this other woman is his «friend» from younger days, and is in another relationship) – but they have had sex recently (and without my knowing, until I was told by a friend of mine).
I have been asking him these months, if he was intimate with this woman, since their friendship was known to me and my previous experience with him has learned me that he cannot be trusted, and he is never faithful. Of course he denied it. (Cannot believe I even bothered asking). So when recently I found out that he has been having sex with both of us (and almost day by day) all these last months, I realised that he really IS the narc I knew he was. (How could I be so f****** stupid and doubt that, even for a second?!)
still, it hurts, and I feel stuck in the «wanting to know»- phase, feels like I want to confront him- but I know I will be given no answers and just more manipulations. I have installed NC thoroughly, this time, but am struggeling with the feeling of «not being worth anything».
So I left, before I was discarded- what do you call this battle? How do I get over this intense feeling of loss (of my self respect and trust, again)?
Also, I could not go without telling him what I knew, so I wrote a message on FB saying that I knew all about it and that I never wanted any contact with him again- and that I was right, all along (for believing that he was having sex with her). So you see, I made all the mistakes.
Any advice on how to regain my self respect, or how to move forward from this horrible position. I could really need some support.
Haha! (Giggles) I hear you clearly. The past is in the toilet. Proceed.
Head Doctors do go around in circles trying to open one up to feel vulnerable but resistance is almighty.
Thank you for your response. I like the toilet training part.
Pleasure.
Lost time means you have lost memory or no memory. I have blocks of time missing in my memory. This is time lost in disassociation. I can check out per say of my environment and silence my world when I can no longer handle my environment. This checking out is also time that I am unable to recall being in later.
Your statement on your thoughts coming up at night alone is the very reason I believe falling asleep is very hard to achieve.
If you ask any normal person HOW they fall asleep there is a place they slip under that shuts there mind off and allows them to fall nicely to sleep. We don’t have that place because settling down for us is restless and and least for me finding that place is to far away to reside in and not very comfortable.
Thank you for the explanation concerning lost time SII, I appreciate that. The issue of disassociation has been touched on in respect to several events which have happened to me and is an ongoing process. I understand your points in respect of no longer being able to handle your environment. I prefer to influence my environment so it is a product of me, which is why I am the way I am. I agree with your observations about falling asleep.
Hello HG,
Is it not more simple to accept the events and memories, face the emotions they cause one, relearn personal behaviour day by day, let go and set them free as opposed to holding onto what’s no longer here in the moment?
Out of 4 siblings, I’m the Golden Child who was not taught boundaries by a Narcissist Father with a codependent Mother. Both just had their 60th Anniversary celebration. My Mother believes in “Love” is through thick and thin I guess. I am my Father’s said “Princess” and he is not afraid to flaunt it. I was never hurt in any shape or form growing up. Just over valued, always in the spot light and gave me control. I’ve done a lot of things which could be perceived to be hurtful and negative; however, I learned mind and emotional games in a distorted version and fashion which I thought were the “Norm”. I did see rage, etc towards the others in the household. My Father is a very intelligent, clever, charming man and had acquired a high position in his career. He’s had years of therapy and is in awareness now. In therapy, emotions are faced dead on, recognized, accepted that all is in the memories and history to accept and let go. Your thoughts?
I find it easier to proceed as I do rather than be drawn back to events which are far better left in the past. That is where they happened and that is where they should remain. I see nothing to be gained by going over old ground, indeed I find it detrimental to me to do so. I know however that addressing these past event is something the head doctors are intent on doing. Sometimes I wish I just told them I had over strict toilet training so they would leave me alone.
I have always found therapy where you dig around childhood memories is just fruitless. If there not there for you to recall I find it a waste of my time and money. The fact you Triple track I am guessing your also passing over locked up areas of your brain. I just read a study that if you do not use parts of your brain over time it becomes atrophied. This all falls under disassociation.
I should have made that statement more clear. I meant. NPD being the very opposite of BPD in there emotions. Tho, I might be very diffrent in I have minimal emotions I feel. Meaning you have no emotion and BPD has all of them and more. Then you have bipolar swinging both ways.
Interesting that you can select your memories. I would presume these are positively selected memories. Do you suffer from lost time in your childhood? Has disassociation ever come up in your therapy? Have you done any of your own studying in that area?
Thanks for the clarification SII. I do have emotions, but they are in the main of a negative nature. The childhood memories often loom when I am alone, often late in the evening an are usually unwelcome. Of course many of them have been provoked by the good doctors and I have shared some of them here on the blog and more will follow as part of this process, painful and disturbing as it is.
I don’t understand what you mean by lost time? Do you mean are there periods in my childhood which I cannot remember? Yes disassociation has come up in the ongoing treatment.
You made a statement here that flowed so naturally as part of your conversation, but was really rather profound in that the process in unlocking childhood memories is painful and disturbing. I know some think it may be a waste of time because you can’t go back and change anything.
But as the doctors have you reflect more, do you ever feel now that you were maybe robbed of having the innocence of your childhood taken? Do you ever consider you may have some kind of breakthrough with the doctors that could alter how you view your interactions with people? If not, is that a goal of theirs’ still?
Is childhood a time of innocence? We experience the world like everybody else but we may not always understand why it is as it is because we are (sometimes) shielded from much of the world. It remains the case that they are committed to achieving numerous breakthroughs. I don’t think the key is altering the view I have of my interactions, I know they are as they are, it is what I feel about them that is considerably different.
Thank you HG for your response. I had a typo on my last comment, it should have said I am thankful for the help not fretful.
This just solidified a sensation to an emotion may not exist YET.
It made it clear the feeling is all power. I hope I don’t offend you with my questions :). To be very honest being a true clinically diagnosed BPD and living in my brain. I am now studying why the 2 personality disorders are in the same classification. I can not stand to see anyone in pain. I saw physical pain toward siblings and was not able to help. I believe that’s the one area and reason I split to the BPD end. I no this is why I am a nurse today.
Can you tell me at what age you are in with your first real memory. This can be a good or bad memory, Is this age triggered by an event or a childhood picture, you have seen? Do you have very many childhood memories at all?
I have a very hard time living in an emotionally empty shell. I become irritated if my mind sits to long. It’s a reminder of the constant emptiness that I live in but that others don’t have to. I am also aware of the age I was shut down. I am wondering if it’s the same for you.
Thank you for allowing me to study you and compare. If you put a BPD with a NPD you get Biopolar that’s the only solid conclusion I have so far 🙂
No your questions do not offend me.
The earliest memory I have was around the age of 2 or 3 years of age.
My childhood memories are selected if I so choose. I choose often not to do so.
My mind triple tracks, always racing and I experience a restlessness which comes about from my fuel level dropping too low.
You are welcome to study, although I don’t agree with you that BPD and NPD equals bipolar but I am only my own expert, not on other situations.
Explain what you mean by your mind triple tracks? Do Dr. E and Dr. O try to revisit childhood memories from time to time? If so, has anything come of it that was surprisingly revealing to you?
If you read ‘A Delinquent Mind’ Clarece you can read all about triple tracking there and save my dear fingers!
The good doctors repeatedly endeavour to take me to childhood memories. Yes about half a dozen revelations.
Will do!!
HG
Are you able to explain what the feeling of collected fuel is like for you.
I have to live in an adrenalin induced world. I no how to collect it now but when I was younger I was arrested.
There must be a feeling you collect that allows you to push down what your fighting to keep under wrap or the creature.
In your teens or early twenties. I think that was last year, did you have a run in with the law?
Your helping so many people with your blog and I am sure collecting some fuel. However, I really am curious why you want to help others. I am fretful for the help but I am puzzled as to what you get from it?
The fuel that I garner alleviates any restlessness that might be felt if my fuel stocks have become low. The fuel makes me feel powerful, impregnable and invincible. I am all things to all people, capable of so much and my intellect, charm and magnetism become powered. The construct is solid. Its walls become thicker and the voice of the creature fades away.
I don’t want to help others. I am compelled to write about my situation. I provide the information, the viewpoint and how my kind will respond. It is your choice what you do with it. Of course I gain fuel from people’s reactions to me, nowhere near as much as I would if I actually knew the person and was physically proximate to them, but there is fuel nonetheless.
HG
Are all Narc regardless of level great at running under the radar of law inforcment?
If no contact is being achieved, even with Your kinds Dailey trials and failures, does the rage continue to build? I am not stupid enough at this point to make any contact because it could be dangerous. I do feel his fuel was obtained by the win of a puppet masters games. Having the last word and then slapping him with no contact has made him all the more vindictive. He is very aware I now know what he is and I hold I much upper hand to wrecking him. I could not do that because I understand the suffering he is in. I just see rage building with no fuel to keep it down. My question to make it more simple, can you be so focused on your targets revenge it’s your greatest form of fuel? You have to break me and beat me down one last time? You live and breath to do this to me?
No, not at all, indeed lesser are more likely to fall foul of law enforcement owing to reflex reactions, although they will try and sweet talk their way out of the difficulty.
The fury depends on whether we need to get fuel from you and also if we are able to get it from somewhere else. Your NC is a criticism to us and therefore if we are trying to hoover and you evade us, this will amount to a criticism and ignite our fury.
If you behaved in a treacherous manner and escaped us, this increases the likelihood of a furious reaction.
We might aim to break you and beat you down one last time but we would need fuel from other sources to power such a campaign against you.
Great post, HG!
It’s all a battle? Is that why I got a malign Hoover the other day? I’m almost sure it was N3 that smashed my car window! I didn’t even expect it! I’ve moved on…and I am sure he has too….😳.
I told him never to contact me again when I went No Contact in January….perhaps he chooses to Hoover stealthy to avoid legal problems? (I put that in the last email).
I wonder if he’s seen me around town with other men? Why is he still so angry?! He ruined everything!!! He broke us up! Between N3 and the talk radio ex….I’m being inundated with exes this summer…and I would just like to move on!
It is often the case that the hoover will appear anonymous but we know that you know that it us. Yes, you are right, there is also the need to avoid undesirable attention from the authorities as well. He is so angry because you have chosen elsewhere and that is like a running sore to him. Yes, in your reality he broke things up, but in his mind, it was always your fault T.
eben when one thinks they escape. Nope.
Even.
I’m going through this right now. It’s been exactly as you describe. I have now gathered strength by knowledge in reading up about this and preparing for what’s to come. Its the worst ever. The new supply has already sent me abusive emails, and the Narc is trying to smear my name in a professionally capacity.
A pincer smear. You know which book to read to combat that don’t you?!
The post on key HG. Hyped fuel. Thickened point. Noted you’ve provided true essence of a glorious advise after describing the three battles. Manifestation of the victims’ illusions of continuous golden period, emotional battle, past memories, future expectations, lost awareness in the moment, here and now. No realization of the fact if memories bad or good were to be accepted and discarded every minute, there is only space of infinity. The advise at the end is a special platinum to follow. Solid guidance to be balanced with oneself.
Thank you.
I will win though.
HG, how do you know exactly how we feel if you do not have the ability ( so you say) to feel emotion yourself?? Again another great post by the almighty! Xxx
I listen very carefully to what my victims describe as how they have felt.
I have the ability to feel certain emotions. Not all of them.
Thank you! Xxx
I’ve experienced battle #2 with my mother (and battles 3-infinity), but really it just blurs & becomes one long, indistinguishable fight. Neither of us wins.
The archetypal war of attrition.
Exactly
Wow! Even reading this started to make my stomachs sick. I have never experienced battle number 2 but I can only imagine it’s just wicked ugly. My mother was a narc. Only I did not know it until recently. I just saw her as very evil. It’s the one gift I was given in my life. You push me to the limit and I don’t break. I make sure I have the last word in. I suppose that’s my driving force to keep no contact. I have always the one to get the last word in. That has been perfect over decades. I even got the last word in before making my grand exit and no contact.
I am just curious. Was your childhood filled with bullies? You could not fight back but you bully others in an attempt to silence the anger and rage? Something you were unable to handle as a Child and parents who were unable to emotionally help you?
I faced one bully repeatedly.
Mother?