Back On Your Mind

 

 

Someone spoke your name and did so with that inflection I used when I called out to you. I am back on your mind.

The scent of wood smoke drifting from a copse on an autumnal afternoon, where we walked as the sun embraced the land for the last time that day. I am back on your mind.

A throaty laugh. A key in the front door. The smell of beer wafting over you. I am back on your mind.

The first warm day of spring, with windows open and sunlight pouring into the house. Blinds raised, curtains drawn and such promise lying ahead.

The sound of the rain drumming on the roof. No wind. That steady rhythmic patter denoting heavy summer rainfall. The sky that peculiar shade of grey that only appears on the cusp of a thunderstorm.

The sensation of sea spray dashed gently against your face. The wind whipping through your hair as that maritime smell hangs in the air.

The cold sting of a frosty morning that greets you as you step from the house, leaving cosy warmth for the icy outdoors. The air sharp and invigorating. You turn to look for me breathing clouds of water vapour into the air, like some grinning dragon, but I am not there am I. Yet, I am back on your mind.

The opening sounds fill the room heralding the start of the quality drama that you can no longer bring yourself to watch alone. The box set lies on the shelf, a dusty veneer testament to its abandonment. Do people see such a layer on you now? You reach for the remote control to mute the instantly recognisable score but somehow your fingers hesitate. I am back on your mind.

Beneath the mirror which taunts you every morning sits two toothbrushes. You mean to remove the second but yet something prevents you from doing so. Your finger touches the bristles and you look into the mirror expecting my ghostly presence to be stood behind you and my lips, those oh so soft lips, to plant that tender kiss on your exposed left shoulder. There is no kiss yet the ghost is there. I am back on your mind.

September the first arrives. You see it first on your mobile ‘phone. My birthday. The date chases you all day. Staring at you from the bottom right hand corner of your laptop screen, from the centre of your tablet, from the desk calendar and from the news reports. Who do I now celebrate my birthday with? Will they be like the ones we shared together? What is the answer? I am back on your mind.

You cut your forefinger on the carving knife as you prepare your evening meal. With a sharp intake of breath, you suck on your finger, the coppery taste leaking into your mouth as you other hand still grasps the knife handle. You let it roll in your hand as you recall how I always prepared the vegetables, a glass of Rioja not far away. I am back on your mind.

Thick buttered toast.

The throb of an engine.

That irritating ringtone.

An empty toilet roll left on the holder.

A forgotten bottle of Worcester Sauce at the rear of the cupboard.

The road sign that points to my home town.

I am back on your mind.

The cracked spine of Brave New World.

The opening strains of Everybody Hurts.

The catchy sample from Better Off Alone.

The never collected box of possessions sat in the spare room.

I am back on your mind.

Then comes the longing, the aching and the hurting.

Then comes the wry smiles, the fingertips circling the still not removed picture, the tears.

Then follows the sobbing, the rising frustration and the churning anger.

Then the aching once again.

I am back in your heart.

The questions arrive. The inquisition that is always expected.

Why did I do this?

How could I do this to you?

What went wrong?

Where did our love go?

Who am I with?

When will this feeling stop?

I am back on your mind.

Questions. Always the questions that come with seldom reprieve and never with answers.

Why did I choose you?

How did it happen?

What am I doing now?

Where did I vanish to?

Who behaves like this?

When will you see me again?

I am back on your mind.

I am back on your mind. I am back in your heart.

How does something feel so good yet hurt so much?

I am back on your mind? I am back in your heart?

No.

I have not come back.

I never left.

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34 thoughts on “Back On Your Mind”

  1. It is fascinating that you recognize this internal process in those who have danced with you. These constant reminders in the ordinary moments of our life that can still cause despair if we are not further along in our process of ️Healing.

    His lingering ghost is now a friendly one- I wave to him as he lurks in the dark dusty corners of my mind. I no longer fight him, I let him stay. He just needs to be seen, remembered. Just as I do. Resisting these memories does not work. Shifting the story does.

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    1. Numerous of my victims and latterly other victims have described to me how such a process does indeed affect them. That strikes me as a useful way of addressing the effect Bethany, as you describe in your second paragraph.

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  2. No reminders needed. There hasn’t been a day yet he doesn’t cross my mind. I think with any breakup whether it’s with a Narc or not, if there’s unresolved feelings, it’s hard to shake.
    Curious, did you pick September for the bday month because of how it flowed in the blog, or do we happen to share the same birthday month? Lol

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      1. It’s beautiful. Eddie Vedder really gets it. I didn’t get Pearl Jam before – I thought I did but they were just nice songs.. The n-ex has bestowed upon me a better, deeper appreciation of all my old fave’s lol 😀

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  3. Strangest synchronicity I have ever experienced. As I was reading this, the narcissist showed up in my peripheral vision at the public space I was visiting. The one who claimed I was stalking her and demanded I leave her alone. Of course that was after I passively confronted her on her BS.

    Am I the only one who feels like the narcissist and I have some weird psychic connection? I know she’s actually following and watching me. (Shudder.) But I swear I can sense her presence in a crowd.

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    1. There are indeed those who believe there is some kind of “energy connection”. I use the word empath to denote somebody who fits the various traits that our kind look for including, naturally the trait of empathy. Empath also has a narrower meaning in terms of those people who “feel” the energy of the world and others around them, they are in tune with this energy. I don’t know a lot about that, having only seen a piece written about it in passing (I will have to read more when I have a chance) but perhaps this is something you are experiencing?

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      1. Thank you for the expanded/narrowed definition of empath. I definitely believe it describes me.

        I’ve been thinking a lot about the dynamic between narcissists and their prey. Particulatly in light of your writings. In my own situation I’ve come to understand that she has a desire to consume and I have a desire to be consumed. Neither urge is healthy.

        I think we’ve recognized that fault in each other and try to pair up to heal/complete/complement the empty spot in each other.

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    2. The psychic connection can be real. I’ve practiced energetic chord cutting to sever the energetic tie. Depending on the Level of abuse and where one is in the process, that chord may grow back and cutting it again (and again) may prove necessary.

      My own experience is that the lessons we learn from our engagement and interaction with narcissists are, in fact, highly spiritual in nature. The spiritual realm is our salvation. I’m not talking about traditional religion.

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      1. Thank you. I will investigate psychic cord connection. Sounds like something I could definitely benefit from!

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    3. There might be. As soon as I started following HG, my ex popped into my life. I started thinking about him. I blame it on the vapors.

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    1. Obsessed is correct. When I left the establishment, she was also leaving. She smiled at me and tried to hold the door open for me. (Strange behavior from someone who is supposedly afraid of me.) I panicked, froze. She let the door close and scowled at me.

      I’m currently making plans to move in with my sister 600 miles away so that I can finally get some peace.

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      1. It’s rotten that we have to move but they’re not going to suddenly see the light. Mine rolled up slow and quiet in his car at 1.30 in the morning last week, sat for half an hour then drove quietly away. And last night someone banged on the door,really hard like police but prolonged. It’s creepy AF and I’m now thinking of moving too. But I don’t want to, kid’s settled here with lots of friends and I’m just getting used to it too so I’m kind of furious at him (the ex) now..

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  4. The Energy we feel is very real and can be felt without ever laying eyes on a person. This is why once awareness becomes conscience, we are able to feel this energy almost immediately. It is a mixture of anxiety, excitement and fear…

    We are subject to feeling all energies around us, hence why we become easily overstimulated in crowded places and fatigue easily if in the presence of too many people. We need lots of open space and nature grounds us.

    One look into someone’s eyes is often all that is needed to see what is there in terms of dark or light…but self deception in the form of curiosity is a real bitch.

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      1. He hated my music and for much of the last few years most of my CD/tapes were missing so I’m revisiting inow. 🙂 Next up Paradise Lost’s One Second album..

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  5. He particularly hated that one because I used to wear my real (deceased) partner’s T Shirt from the gig – that ended up in a secondhand shop too. I believe I saw them on sale. I was with him, I remember him standing over me and for some reason that still mystifies me to date, I didn’t buy them back.

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  6. September 1. Is that your bday, bc that is summer and you said you hatched in autumn. I know someone with that bday and he died at a young age. That said, Sept 1 is the day I feel alive and I allow myself to feel that way until Nov. 1. Halloween and all. That said, if you could only live for two consecutive months, and spend the other 10 in animation, which would you pick to live? Tough question and if you aren’t able to answer…perfectly understandable. All that said, autumn is the most wonderful time of the year…f christmas. You are on my mind.

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    1. I would pick the same two months as you because not only do I like Autumn (and Autumn commences in September by the way) but then I could spend those two moths with you 1Jaded.

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      1. September 21…not 1st. It may as well be the first but you have these events called solstice and equinox which inject details into the seasons. No matter. I’m flattered that you would want to spend those months with me…you’d say that to all your fuel supply people even if their choice was Mar 1 – Apr 30. If you, HG, could choose 2 months, irrespective of anything else, what would they be? So personal, I know. No answer required.

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