The Willing Volunteer

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It is a recognised truth that we select you. We are able to sense the empathy flowing from you and our sights become locked on to you. We move in and through a combination of our experience at recognising your kind and our subtle and informed questioning we soon establish whether you will fulfil our needs and have that sweet, delicious fuel flowing for us. If the answer is yes, and invariably it is, we do not often get it wrong when we first target somebody, then all of our seductive and manipulative charm is deployed to ensnare you. The love-bombing begins and we soon bind you to us, wrapping our tendrils about you and holding you close as our claws sink into your flesh, our hooks drive deep into your soul and the fuel lines attach and thus the extraction begins. You can shoulder no blame when this happens. You are unlikely to know what one of us is. You see the warning signs but do not recognise them. The red flags flutter but you just think how beautiful they look. The klaxons blare but they cannot be heard above the noise of our silky, honeyed words which pour into your ears. You may be fortunate enough to have somebody in your support networks who knows exactly what we are. Nevertheless, their kind and thoughtful explanations never dissuade you. How can they when you are being made to feel like a queen? How can they when we are giving you everything that you ever wanted? How can they when your soul mate has appeared and gathered you close? You smile and nod and thank them for their concern but you dismiss it and especially when we tell you that they are to be ignored, he or she is only jealous of what we have, they want to cause trouble, I have seen it before believe me and of course you will always believe me. You are a sitting target. You anticipate nothing of what is to come and you cannot be blamed at all. You do not know what we are, our seduction is virtually impossible to resist and why would you want to spurn this opportunity of a lifetime. Your ensnaring is a given and you are blameless in that.

Yet after this when the glow of the golden period fades and what was once shiny becomes tarnished and dull, when those sweet words have become barbed and thorny, when the lustre has gone and the brilliance has been diverted to a more deserving appliance, this is when you become culpable. You are no fool. Although you cannot work out why we switch back and forth in the blink of an eye in our behaviour. Although you cannot fathom why we lie and lie and lie. Although you are unable to comprehend why we show such rank hypocrisy, crass contradiction and sheer contrariness, you know that you are being badly treated. You know our words are harsh and hurtful. You know that our disappearances are unwarranted and leave you upset and worried. You recognise that our repeated taking, our ignoring of your needs and our calculated and systematic tirades are abusive. Yes, there is much of our behaviour during this devaluation that is insidious and purposefully so. Much of our manipulations continue without you really appreciating they are happening or their full effect but everyone knows that being shouted out and called names is abusive. Everyone knows that the broken promise to call you or meet you is unfair and unnecessary. You do recognise that our behaviour towards you is unpleasant and abusive. Yet, despite this recognition what do you do? You stay. You are picked up and put down, treated as the appliance that we see you are to be used when it suits us and pushed to one side when someone else proves of greater interest. You see this happen yet you put up with it. You know we flirt with other women and seem to have a string of relationships which have never quite finished somehow. You see how those other women are all vying for our time and you resent that. Notwithstanding how badly we treat you, you do not want them to be the recipients of the golden largesse you know that we are capable of. You want it. Thus you remain, trying to keep them at bay, fighting further battles with these other members of my coterie most likely unaware that this triangulation upon triangulation is all by design. You make excuses after excuse for our rotten behaviour. You trot these excuses out to your friends who look on with weary faces. You tell these excuses to yourself as you sit sobbing after another violent outburst. He is tired. He is stressed. He has a lot on at work. If I try just that bit harder, I know I can help him. If I can just make him see what he is doing to me I know we can work things out. I just want to cure whatever ill it is that is eating away at him and making him someone he is not, I know deep down he is a good man, I have seen it with my own eyes. The excuses come thick and fast and frequent. You clothe the abuse in these excuses seeking to make the abhorrent behaviour seem more acceptable as you continue to hang on in there in the hope that today we will give you a dose of the golden period. Occasionally it will happen and you are elated. All is well in the world and you knew that your fortitude would bear a reward. Now everything will be fine again. Only you could achieve this, not those other harpies. Why do they hang around so much? What are they waiting for? You bask in the golden light only for it to soon fade once again. The cycle continues but you do not depart, you do not leave and instead you remain hoping that we will pick you and spend time with you. You hang on in there in the hope of picking the lucky ticket which means you experience our brilliance once again. You will do anything to gain our attention and our golden love again. You will sacrifice your self-esteem, your confidence, friends, family, job, money, looks and health just for the prospect of feeling that golden, delicious love once again. Just like a hopeless addict everything else will be given up for that fix of us. You know how bad we are for you yet you keep on staying. You cannot blame us for that. You cannot blame us for the fact that you become the willing volunteer.


139 thoughts on “The Willing Volunteer

  1. Indy says:

    Poetic Me, I can relate to many things you wrote above and thank you for sharing. It lets me and many others here know we are not alone. And it is a reminder that we are warriors in this life, buddhisattvas, helping lift each other up to our highest potential. I am not Hindu, the one of my favorite Hindu gods is the dancing Shiva. He stands for many things including the dance of life and death of lies. May we all find peace in uncovering our truths within and shine a beacon of hope for others.

    Abusive relationships often result in the loss of connection with ourselves, our true voice. Some of us hush it, others partition it away for years and forget that he/she exists. You are finding your now agsin, more deeply! 😊keep listening to her!!

    As women, we often find ourselves in care taking positions (not a bad thing unless we forget ourselves too). I can relate to those roles you mention(mother, sister, lover, friend, professional,etc). Do you work in the healthcare field, you mentioned patients and thought I would ask. If you do not wish to reveal, that’s cool. I totally understand.

    One last thing, no more “shoulding” yourself!!!! We do the best we can each moment with what we have and simultaneously need to continuously improve. When you feel guilt pop up when you receive a gift or compliment, notice it but do not act on the guilt. Just say, “why thank you….”😊
    And thank you for all your support here and helping me feel welcome☺️
    Ninja Bunny!

    1. Poetic_Me says:

      Thank you, again Indy/ Ninja Bunny, for your wisdom and kindness.
      Yes, I do work In the healthcare field.
      Shiva….sounds my ideal. I enjoy dancing and I detest lies.
      Guilt is a huge burden for me since childhood, no doubt one of those cracks, the narcissists snuck in through, along with shame, desire, add to that and devotion, loyalty and love. The negatives brought them to me the positives held them with me.
      I do appreciate all kindnesses and the goodness of others. When I see neglect and harm of others, it hurts me more then when it happens to myself. I feel compelled to take it in and fix it. I live by the motto, do no harm. Yet, harm continues to find it way to me. I feel confident, that one day soon that will no longer be the case for me. Brighter days ahead. The proverbial light at the end of the tunnel.

  2. Indy says:

    You have a wonderful weekend too, Poetic Me! Yes, you have the insight into why they were drawn to you and you them! Attachment is a large factor in all of us here, and I would wager in HG too. We have to heal our attachment wounds.

    May I ask, do you have a self care regimine? It is helping me, by “dating myself”. I now schedule it in weekly at minimum. I do things like get massages, make sure I have coffee with friends, manicure pedicure, take myself out to dinner, dance, and work on being mindful of my inner experience and reconnect to my inner wisdom that I ignored for so long. …I think this is the first time in my life I have allowed myself to grieve in a healthy manner. I went through denial and sometimes still feel it, I have my bouts of anger, and I have my sadness for what have could have been and what isn’t…..acceptance is Coming slowly.

    I completely understand that it can feel hard to receive and I also think it’s important to learn how to both give without expectation and to receive without guilt. Those of us that are more codependenttend to struggle with that. Myself included. Giving without expectation is really an important thing to be aware of as giving with expectation is similar to what the narcissists do in relationships. It’s a control dynamic. I have to watch that in myself. Receiving without guilt is also a thing I work on. It’s knowing that you’re worth receiving all the loveliness of this world without questioning. I hope we can all find that someday.

    Have a lovely weekend, gentle spirit with a strong core to be reckoned with!!! I see you because I too am the ninja that looks like a fluffy bunny.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Your steps in paragraph two are excellent ways of creating distraction to assist with the exorcism that must be undertaken.

      1. Indy says:

        Thank you, HG. Indeed. It works for me and I learned a lot about the need for self care in both my work and your book Exorcism is one of my favorites. It is important to further note that self care may feel indulgent, but it is a life skill and need to learn about your real self. Yes they can serve as a distractor during a period of time when you have a hard time thinking about anything other then the ex partner, however this is also a skill that is very important when combined with mindfulness practiceto learn about who you are as an individual. Not all self-care is fluffy and feel good. I had to learn that too. Therapy is also self-care. Spending timealone with your thoughts and emotions and being mindful of your inner process without reacting, just witnessing, is also self-care. Journaling, writing, meditating. I am doing this as part of my journey toward self awareness.I would ask you HG, what is your self care regiment. I know you’re going to therapy and that’s huge and you write a lot here. And what do you do for you that isn’t related to fuel? Just care for you?

        1. HG Tudor says:

          Hi Indy, I am pleased you enjoyed Exorcism, do place a review please. I do not have a self care regime. What do I do that is not fuel related? There are times where I am perfectly comfortable being on my own (ie not physically near to somebody) although I am in reach of fuel if I need it. In those situations I like to watch film, read and write. The good doctors have been encouraging me to use these periods of comparative solitude to take time to reflect on matters but I do not like to do that. Firstly, my mind is always whirring with ideas and things which must be done, so sitting and looking backwards is using up time which could be used for advancement. Secondly, this will allow the past to resurface and it does not belong with me now, it belongs shut away in the past. I have not yet grasped what the good doctors are trying to get me to achieve by doing this and I am inclined it is part of their agenda to weaken me because I have the upper hand in our ongoing sessions, so they feel a need to try to strike back. I know their game.

          1. Indy says:

            HG, yes, I will write a review. Your books are important and very accessible (both how they are written and cost).

            1.) I do wish to follow up on what you wrote and was wondering if it was said in a joking or serious manner? You said, ” I have not yet grasped what the good doctors are trying to get me to achieve by doing this and I am inclined it is part of their agenda to weaken me because I have the upper hand in our ongoing sessions, so they feel a need to try to strike back. I know their game.”

            2.) If not a joke, I think I know what it is aimed at (I bet you do too). I would suggest to ask them the purpose of doing it. I believe it is a known technique for helping someone expose themselves slowly to past trauma to work through it and it is also possible to help you get exposed to your true inner self. (But I could be wrong here) With that said, the work is worth it. Hard, yes. I hate doing stuff like that myself, really. I have been in therapy and when I have to face my inner stuff I engage in avoidance behaviors and my progress slows. (When I am being defiant and not doing therapy homework, I usually find something on TV, order Thai, read, come to a certain narcissist’s blog (LOL) and have a drink and say screw it….Don’t do that!) “The only way through hell is to keep walking through it”. Yes, needing fuel to hide IS hell.

            3.) Did they ask you to also engage in calming techniques while you do this exercise/contemplation on your down time?


          2. HG Tudor says:

            No I wasn’t joking. There’s been suggestions of calming techniques. I’m not doing that crap, my mind isn’t for slowing down as I need it racing to get everything done that needs to be done.

          3. Indy says:

            HG, your mind is both a strength and a weakness, like my “empathy”, as you wisely said to me. You are cold logic minded, I can be hot/warm emotion minded and the ideal is a blend of both. You can have that in your own being. It’s wise mind. You show it here and its part of you.

            Calming is for short periods, not to change your exceptionally fast triple processor….that will never change or be lost. This is part of you forever. Sh-t, I wish I had that. No, It is a tech to heal the past memories by introducing them again in small doses while you are calmly contemplating past. Make the past less “beast”. I understand your resistance to it though. I do. Those are dark places that are scary to visit. Therapy is for the brave and courageous and you show this here all the time. That’s why I shared my struggle with therapy homework. It’s something i think many of us here who have been in therapy particularly for trauma, have experienced, that desire to say f9ck it. It’s ongoing for me.

            Perhaps I have overstepped, though and I totally get why you are not wanting to do it. Thank you for your candor about your feelings about it.
            Are you ok I asked?

          4. HG Tudor says:

            It is of no matter.

          5. Indy says:

            HG, I don’t know what that response means. It feels like I have annoyed you and I’m sorry.

          6. HG Tudor says:

            It means do not worry that you overstepped the mark Indy, you didn’t. No you haven’t annoyed me, so no need to apologise.

    2. Poetic_Me says:

      Firstly, I want to say thank you so much Indy, for taking the time to listen and respond to me. That Is one of the most valuable things we can give another person, why when CN gave me silent treatments it hurt more then his malicious words and rages. It is a blessing to each of us, when another takes time to hear another, to understand and to advise. I always give of my time and nope person, thought or question is deemed unanswerable or unworthy to me, everyone’s voice is important to me. So, I truly appreciate when some one does the same for me. Thinking of others, and not just Onself, it a beautiful trait, it saddens me that these days most are more self motivated and less focused On helping others. It makes another feel their thoughts and words are valuable when acknowledged. When someone is ignored, it tends to invalidate that, self esteem wise. As well when others participate In the abuse of others, by remaining silent to what they observe. When it is so easy to speak up and address such things. I place value on speaking up for myself and others, strangers, clients, patients, friends, family….you seem the same way, Indy. Advocates, are needed In this world, of the I, the me’s, the Narcissists.
      It is diffcult for me to attach, so when I do, fully, to have it betrayed continuously it rather defeating. Relationship wise. I find they attach easily to me, but then that is what they do. I was so programmed to forgive and forget and hope for improvement. I became lost in that, and lost what has value, myself. In believing them I lost result I myself, my intuition and self care.
      My entire life, has been care giver/ caretaker….family and work. The only times I put myself first was in leaving neglectful and Abusive relationships. Even, then I felt guilt and shame. My time is still spent devoted to the care of others, my child, my father, my work. That is valid point, Indy. What do I do for myself? I often avoid thinking and doing for myself. I spend time with friends. But due to. MY last relationship, I distanced myself so much socially and the shame of doing so is hard to break free from. I have some wonderful friends, who have stood by me.
      I should spend more time focused I just me. I will learn to do so, over time.
      Exactly, I always give without expectation, it is the receiving without guilt, I have trouble with. Perhaps, I am not as familiar with receiving that I feel uncomfortable when it occurs and feel guilty , as if I am taking, even though it is freely given. Same goes for compliments.
      This is all valid and Important advice, thank you. As it does relate to how I am.
      Ninja that looks like a fluffy bunny….that made me smile, because it is true. Hugs to you and thank you so much for your time, replies and advice xx

  3. Indy says:

    Hi Poetic Me, Thank you. So we both have been NC for 1 month? You go girl!!! Hell, go us!! Yeah, it’s been a journey, as you well know. Some days I have more appreciation and gratitude for the experience than other days. I see life as a series of lessons that make you stronger, a warrioress. . I admit, it’s not the first relationship I have had with some with traits or full narcicism and often paired with some form of addiction. I always wanted to heal and fix and accept because I saw both the positive traits and the painful less healthy traits at the same time and loved each deeply. The things I saw in each were truly beautiful, including my recent past ex, who is an upper midrange narcicist (knowledge I gained from our very insightful HG). I didn’t know it was narcicism, I Thought he had PTSD from military with dissociative features and intense anger and alcoholism. It was more than I first though. He has a matriNarc too, cold as ice. I so wanted to rescue the boy I saw in him. This was a pattern in my life, and went to therapy to learn what I was contributing to this pattern and have maintained therapy to continue soul searching. A long process indeed and I’m learning to love myself daily. I hoping someday to be healed enough to have a life partner again to journey through life. I had to leave, and did so one month ago, with ring on my hand, Life plans lined up, etc. I loved him when I said I am leaving. It was one of the hardest things to do, leave someone you love. But, otherwise, I was leaving myself and my self respect already and had to reclaim my heart and mind.

    Yes, it is so helpful to share with others that understand the unique experience we were in and the pull, the addictive attachment, the difficulty that exists to leave and maintain NC. I’m grateful for this forum indeed, along with the insights shared here by HG and readers/writers. Namaste.

    1. Poetic_Me says:

      Hi Indy
      Sorry I just saw this reply, it didn’t show up in replies for me.
      Thank you, yes time goes On and soon it will be a year, fingers crossed. Do you find it difficult to discuss Narcisssim with friends and family. m gave a friend who had similar relationship, she was open to discuss it, commiserate together, until she took the Narcissist back. The. Encouraged me to do the same. I could not take him back, the betrayal hurt too much.
      I thought originally based in behaviours and unaware of the the full scope of Narcissism, that my ex was dissociative. He claimed to be introverted and suffering from SAD which were lies, he used to Explain why he would give silent treatments. The fact he used legitimate mental health issues as manipulative tools, incenses me. He had a strange relationship with his mum, who was controlling, and though he never admitted such for her or himself, I think now, a Narcissist as well.

      Yes, I still loved him when I left. There is no hate, there is no purpose for it. It is simply self love and preservation. I was meeting his needs, he could not meet mine. The silent treatments increased as I felt like I was alone to begin with, while he was off fueling with other women on line. I waited dutifully believing he needed space as it was health related. The irony of showing him respect while he was disrespecting me and playing On my love and kind heart and caring nature.

      It was an addictive pull, that was forged over years. I always wonder Indy, why me, or any of us? Especially those of us who do not seek out controlling partners or slave like relationships. Why did they have to choose us, when so many women throw themselves at these types and offer themselves up. Why can’t the Narcissist just play with them and leave us all alone? Is it the thrill of controlling and breaking a good loving women….to feel that power surge within them? Where as those other types, beg to be noticed, throw them adoration and praise so as not to lose their attention. Are they the Narcissists play toys, supplementary fuel, because they know these types will always willing give up control, freedom of thought and themselves. So they are always available when fuel is needed. They are temporary solutions. Where as we, the rest of us, hold to our sense of self. We are the challenge to the Narcissist. The focus for a primary source.

      I saw many of these types engage in such behaviour with my ex on social media, they knew he was with me, they didn’t care, they wanted his attention and he happily enticed them. I am sure he was setting up his fuel lines for the ones that seemed most eager or desperate to please him. I asked him about it and he always cited it is harmless flirting, no need to be jealous. Yet, if a male friend commented on anyhting in a photo of me, he would. Go off me, obviously accusing me of behaviour he was engaging in. Which I never did I was faithful, my male friends, never disrespected him or me that way. Looking back now, it is easy to see which ones were throwing themselves at him privately as well. I suppose now I know I was not paranoid and it was as I always though it was. That is a blessing.

      Sorry for tangent, Indy, one of them messaged me on social media last week about him. Asking me how I could let a catch like him go. What wrong with me? Obviously he asked her to do so. Again, willing volunteer and all. Never to think he might have been abusive to me, I never told her anything, other then it isn’t her business. I won’t discuss him or myself. This same thing happened years ago, with a close friend, I left an abusive boyfriend and her response was, why, he is so good looking and charming……why don’t people get it. How are those comments helpful?

      Is that why they target us? The other types. Offer themselves up to the Narcissist, so there is no challenge , no thrill of the chase. I prefer to be as I am, even if it risks such attack . The other way, is a far worse fate for me. To willingly forfeit self respect, personality and independence to another, for what…..attention. I would rather be alone , then be that way.
      I choose to be alone now, Indy. It is quiet and safer.

      Well. We are not alone here, we are mostly among ones who know, get it and understand, this is a blessing as well. And, we are among a least one known Greater Narcissist. Maybe HG, can speak on why he doesn’t just target the easy prey, the ones who know what the Narcissist is and beg to be chosen by them, instead of those of us who are unaware and simply desire a loving, honest and non abusive relationship?

      1. Indy says:

        Hi Poetic Me,

        Thank you for writing back and I am so sorry that you are being hoovered by leutenints in such an insensitive and oblivious manner. Congrats on leaving and remaining strong and not indulging the leutenints with details they have no business knowing. Plus, no feeding fuel! Yay! Yes, I find deeper understanding here than most places though I have to say I am blessed to have a few close friends that recognize emotional and psych abuse and supported me in leaving. I’m very lucky.

        Why us? Well, i’m sure HG could answer your question about why he targets certain people. I have a few hypotheses though. The way I look at it is that each of us has a role in attraction and the energy we put out there. I think most people are unconsciously drawn to those that have qualities that we would like to have with in ourselves. Like for HG, I hope you don’t mind I use you as an example and correct me if I’m wrong 😊, he idolizes Amanda, a young woman that represents all that’s clean, pure, and perfect. An Angel. Things he may wish to have within. I also think some want access to emotions they shut off for themselves, so emotionally expressive partners are also highly attractive as those that caretake and give give give(lots of fuel). I think he said The better the challenge the better the fuel. I also think we all engage in attracting those that have qualities we would like for ourselves. In addition, I think we attract them because we also have niches in our armor,cracks in our self-esteem that allow for mini boundary violations in the beginning. So, poetic me, I think it’s up to us to guard our boundaries and maintain our values. Keep the red flags in mind and not forget what we learned at HGU😉We do not have to give up who we are but to be stronger versions of ourselves!!!!! 🌊🌊🌊waves of change…”we cannot control the waves but we can learn to surf!” Jon Kabat Zinn

        Peace and sending positive vibes~~~~~ Indy

        1. Poetic_Me says:

          Thank you Indy. So much for reply and for responding to my thoughts and questions that have been plaguing me. I have so many questions over all this and it helps me tremendously to receive answers.
          I understand what you write and it makes sense to me. They seek that which isn’t part of their own persona, when I look at these men I can understand what they saw in me. I can also understand what I saw them, when they portrayed who they thought I engaged them to be, until their mask dropped. But, they all did have a confidence. Assurance In Themselves, even if they faked it, it was always present. Where I would hold back In Certain ways, they were bold. Perhaps that attracted me to them. The differences they had to me. My family, my friends, myself would say….why do you/I keep attracting theses types. Obviously they could sense the quiet need in me, the love I wanted to give, the way I care for others, my loyalty and devotion. The things I want someone to genuinely appreciate. They saw them. They never appreciated them, other then in the sense of how they could use them for their own advantage. But, still I give of myself to them, because I wanted to. Because I care and love. I wasn’t fake in my giving. Maybe too, I am not a taker, I find it diffcult to do so. I prefer to give, then receive. I know that aspect of myself is highly evident to others. Just as a I cannot hide or mask my feelings, I am an open book of emotion. I suppose, in all that I am also an open invitation to such types. A huge neon sign, flashing saying, come and get me, I am waiting. And they do, they heed the welcome. I have since replaced it with out of order and closed for the seasons.
          Thank you Indy, those thoughts have plagued me, the why me? When they have so many that want to be chosen. When all I wanted was love and acceptance and truth.
          Sometimes I also think, they misread me, they assumed I would be a certain way based On who I am, and didn’t realize I would be so challenging by my way of thinking as well.
          You are correct, Indy, niches In our armour….they crept I through my emotional abandonment issues. My need to give love. My need for acceptance. I know I do not hide that of myself.
          Thank you again…I am pleased you have those around who will listen and understand what you feel and have been through and do not dismiss abuse of any nature. That is so important.
          That was wonderful quote, I will continue to think on it.
          Have a lovely weekend xx

  4. Hope says:

    Went for a long drive today and thought about this post (which is fascinating, as usual) and the comments.
    Particularly, the ones about your thinking of marrying again in the future.
    Am trying to put myself in your shoes to understand this…
    Why remarry? = Fuel for you. But, what type of fuel…

    Love? Nope. Of course she’ll love you dearly and worship the ground you walk on, but that feeling will not be mutual.
    Money? Nope. Don’t think that’s an issue for you.
    Children? Nope. You’ve said in the past several times that you’re not interested in having children.
    Social Status or Career advancement? Nope. You’re already from a proper background & I’m sure you’re elite in your chosen career.
    A beautiful partner? naah, I think that’s easy for you and not a challenge.
    Intellectual challenge? Don’t think that’s what it is, either.
    What’s left?

    1. Making someone close to you jealous by seducing their beautiful, perfect fiancée away from them and marrying her.
    2. Finding a super-duper- empath to be your forever anchor. One that will accept all you do and spend the rest of her life loyally trying to “fix” you with love and fuel.

    Am I close, HG? Am trying to understand your kind as part of my journey to awareness. <3

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Hello Hope, thank you for your comment.

      Remarry. Yes there would be fuel. I may regard marriage as a suitable way to maintain The One’s attachment to me.
      Love. Correct.
      Money. Not a significant consideration no. If she brings something to the party, that’s all well and good, after all I will seize that trait for my use.
      Children. Marriage would not affect that.
      Social status. Correct.
      Beauty. Correct.
      Intellectual challenge. See beauty.

      You conclusions.
      1. Well done.
      2. Well done.
      3. There is another.

      I am impressed.

      1. Hope says:

        And the other, HG #3 is what @Cody so poetically said. A way to triangulate with future mistresses. A way to make yourself more desirable to your harem. A challenge for them to “fix” you in your loveless marriage … you poor abused, neglected, sad husband … 😉 Plus, that opens up a whole new pool of neglected wives who will identify with your story and will risk an affair with a married lover. Because, after all – you’re both neglected & you both deserve true love. And since you’re married – you’d never dare to expose them. They’re safe. (They think …)

      2. Leilani says:

        So are you taking “resumes” for the best candidate?

        1. HG Tudor says:

          Of course.

      3. The “best candidate” doesn’t need a résumé. She just is.

  5. So Sad says:

    P.S I should say as much as I love your blog , as you know .

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Indeed So Sad, thank you.

      1. Heather says:

        I’m having troubles with word press too. They are not alerting me of the new posts since yesterday

  6. So Sad says:

    On the ex-wife? Malign. She deserves all the pain she gets for her treachery. She is also one filed under grudgefuck…

    HG is there any chance you could look into the reply to comments under each post please ?

    I don’t know if you can or if it’s WordPress ?

    Either way we all know that ” grungefuck” didn’t stick around .. You lost control . I like grungefuck 🙂


    1. HG Tudor says:

      Sorry So Sad, I’m not following. Are the replies not appearing under the correct post or something? If that is what you meant, it must be something with wordpress.

      1. So Sad says:

        HG . ty

        It’s just that sometimes the ” reply” option isn’t there ?

        1. HG Tudor says:

          Ah I see. I have no idea. I have seen people comment about that previously but it is not a setting issue in terms of one that can be switched on or off. It must be something to do with WordPress. I will try and find out.

          1. So Sad says:

            I’m sure you will HG 🙂

    2. Miss_stress says:

      I raised this concern numerous times as well So sad, makes replying to proper person difficult. HG said it is WP issue. not his blog.

  7. Indiglowsky says:

    Wondering why my post from yesterday did not get posted. Also, one from about a week ago on another post. Guess I have either offended or something else.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Not at all IG, I approved one of yours a little while ago and yours from yesterday will be in moderation still. It does take time for me to read through (I read everything) and to consider the content and I do have other things to do. Such as gathering fuel. They will appear.

      1. Indiglowsky says:

        Such as gathering fuel, ha, ha. That is real.

  8. HG is polyamourous. There will never be just one. So no fights ladies, there is plenty of him to go around. I had one ex narc propose to me down on one knee in public, put the ring on it. Toast the champagne and then explain to me that I get the “name” as he was very wealthy, and I needed to accept that I was the wife and whoever else he was with I trump them because I have “the name”. Now let’s talk about the prenup. Romantic.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Some boy.

      1. Definitely not the man u are…as you write that one down for future use.

  9. twinkletoes says:

    …but if you remarry HG what happens to the harem? How will you choose? Do us ladies just fight over it?!?!?!

    1. HG Tudor says:

      It’s either bigamy or I hold a Most Big Macs Concealed In Underwear competition to weed out the victor, TT.

      1. Leilani says:

        Haha, Big Macs in Underwear? What if one does not wear underwear? Good luck to you all. May the best one wins or should I say most potent one.

        1. HG Tudor says:

          Be creative then Leilani.

          1. Leilani says:

            Now and now HG, you know deep in you especially late at night when you are as one with yourself awareness that you must come to me.

          2. HG Tudor says:

            I must come to you?

          3. Leilani says:


      2. Yes, be creative Leilani. Do tell us what makes you so special that HG would come to you.

        If you’re going to play the game, make sure you understand the rules first. 😉

        1. Leilani says:

          I didn’t know there were rules. I just am and I just do (smiling back at you).

      3. Well, then that`s your first mistake, Leilani.

        Know this:

        1. There are rules.
        2. You don`t make them.

        1. Leilani says:

          I do. No other mind nor body can make rules for me. I make my own rules in the universe. People’s reactions negative or positive is in true essence none of my business. My father and family- extended family told me so growing up on childhood but I’m open and welcome your thoughts. I learn something everyday from this forum. Please feed me?

          1. HG Tudor says:

            With pleasure. Today’s tantalising morsel is just around the corner.

          2. Leilani says:

            You are impressive with your words HG, thank you for the feed.

          3. HG Tudor says:

            I am obliged Leilani, plenty more to come.

      4. Why do you make your rules? To please yourself and do as you please, I would assume.

        So what do you expect from others then? To play by your rules or risk…what?

        1. Leilani says:

          You brought up an interesting and potent point. In this moment, I’m writing to you while in the bath tub with an over view of the ocean so I will try not to get too deep. Initially, I wouldn’t expect one to play by my rules. There wouldn’t be any judgements (all illusions) as long as fuel to fuel interact simultaneously, the fire burns high. Both can go with the flow (no wonder I like to watch magic shows in vegas). You are correct as well with the excitement of risks involved. I am in therapy and practicing self awareness now. They tell me that one seeks approval, control, security, separation and oneness. It’s been up and down but that can be expected and accepted. I do find your writing most extraordinary as well. Actually, I’m communicating with my resources out here regarding narcissism. How one would fully educate and clarify confusion to those that are experiencing in dealing with one or most in their daily life. HG would be perfect. We have public and private speakers but are codependents not a narcissist. Quite successful. Blend an educated narcissist into the mix, it would be phenomenal. I appreciate your interaction with me, you’re quite charming. I thank you with smiles.

        2. Leilani says:

          Thank you for your shared stance bloodandthunder. I appreciate your kind words.

      5. Interesting. May I ask why you are in therapy? Is it to accumulate more tools to make you more successful at what you do or to change certain aspects of yourself?

        1. HG Tudor says:

          What do you think B&T?

          1. Leilani says:

            What do you think BT, you’re filling up the fuel tank even more HG. One would say right on! So besides BT, who do you think would be highly considered? There many that are attached? Let me know if you need assistance on the review. I will be away in another location but I am with my cell. May the best woman win.

        2. Leilani says:

          I like your style bloodandthunder. “She just is.” I especially like your analytical point of view. It’s both and all of the above. I don’t think I’m that young. I’m not old either. It depends on what young is to you. I am unable to allow myself to provide more information for compliance reasons. In addition, family has alot of expectations on a “personal level” except for Father and business colleagues, etc. My Father is ill I’m afraid to say. What a day out in the field. Exhausting, stressful but potent. I am being called upon now geesh. Always getting pulled left to right. Talk about expectations. This forum is real. The people in it are real. They are loving. You are real. Thank you HG! This is real to me. Touch base with you later. Is that you in the picture.

      6. Honestly, HG, I don`t know what to think. I find the whole thing entirely suspect as things just don`t add up for me.

        Practicing self-awareness suggests to me that Leilani:

        1. Wants to better understand why she is the way she is so she can change.

        2. Doesn`t understand why she is the way she is and wants to better understand so she can operate more smoothly.

        You would only practice self-awareness to give yourself better understanding of yourself and your behaviour/actions to do one of two things – change or become a better you.

        Leilani seems young to me. She`s got that “new vampire” feeling about her.

      7. I like my style too, Leilani, thank you for noticing how effective it is.

        I was only asking because I am already very self-aware and I guess I sometimes take for granted that others are not.

        I am always aware of my thoughts, beliefs, opinions, emotions (the ones I feel) and how I act – alone or around others. I know exactly why I do and say the things I do and say, and I know what drives and motivates me.

        The goal of self-awareness is to develop who you really are vs. who you are expected to be. I, very frankly, don`t give a damn for who others expect me to be. I never have. I accept who I am, embrace who I am, and make it work for me on every level.

        I have found it to be a very useful tool in the development of self-control when that type of control is necessary.

        Whether you want the tools to better serve your purposes in your endeavours as a narcissist (or whatever you are) or whether you are looking to change certain aspects of yourself, I certainly wish you all the best.

    2. Twinkletoes – I hope you`re ready for a battle!!!! Grrr…..

      1. nikitalondon says:

        IM also up the battle

    3. Cody says:

      What, you think the harem actually goes away? But what if HG tells them the “the marriage was a mistake”? What if she “tricked him into marrying her”? What is she is a “cold, conniving, bitch” who “makes him sleep on the couch”? And of course, don’t forget that he’s “going to leave her any day now”. If anything, being married gives HG even more options. Most certainly would not limit them.

      1. HG Tudor says:

        Oh so cynical Cody, who could have made you that way? (Well put).

      2. Miss_stress says:

        I agree with Cody, here. As I happily stand apart from the crowd and observe.

      3. nikitalondon says:

        Very cinycal yes….. and sleep on the couch… nobody believes that one… .. this would be too much… Somebody makes me sleep on the couch and I am out the next day. and I would call the second hand store to come and pick up the couch when the person is not at home 🙂

    4. Miss_stress says:

      Twinkletoes this made me laugh, I would be the girl who offered to leave the house without a rose….lol yes that reference is applicable.

  10. Heather says:

    Hi H.G!😎 Yes! It is exactly as you have said. This place opened my eyes to MY volunteering! I knew I was sick and addicted to him. This place brought me a refuge to hide. I am bringing my sickness here. The revelations I have received about ME here has broken that curse off of me where this Narc is concerned. In all my life of searching for validation of the things I knew to be true inside but had no control over (my mind and the impulses) never have I found a place like this! Your sharing of the truth took me a million miles in my recovery in just a few weeks. His hoovers are more like sucking at me through a flimsy straw to get me back now. No power of persuasion over me at all! Your descriptions of what’s going on behind the curtain is awesome! All I see now (WORLD WIDE) is a “little man” behind the curtain spinning the wheels and turning the cogs frantically. Just a fraud! I loved your explanation that I just read on the list of things he would say. I think there were seven. He has been using them all. I told him he was dead to me. I haven’t heard back in 2 days. All the guilt, shame and feeling responsible for his emptiness has changed to, GOOD! Let him feel the blackness of the darkness! He is a Lesser and doesn’t have a lot going on to fill the MASSIVE HOLE HE BLEW IN HIS OWN LIFE when he discarded me for getting sick again over this. I just kept thinking, “What an idiot”.. He thinks he could walk back in a few months later assuming I am well now. (I’m not, but he doesn’t know) . Access DENIED!!! I’m actually GLAD that he tried to come back so I could be the one to discard him.! I feel sorry for him, but not enough to want to go back and help him anymore. I have been a volunteer for 2 years now. Listening to you tubers telling me to run! Get out! I thought my love and Gods love in me could save him. I’m not the Saviour. This place is helping me let go of my compulsion to return and let go of my false responsibility to save anyone. Not my job. I am responsible for myself and my kid and my house etc.. He built The Wall brick by brick with his abuse, just like the others. I am DONE banging my head against this WALL! I have been screaming at it, pounding on it, scaling it and sitting on the other side of it crying my whole life. NOW The WALL is a beautiful boundary that I can walk away from. I have no business on the other side of it and have lost my desire to be there thanks to you! Boundaries ROCK the FREE WORLD! I am eternally grateful to you my cyber friend. ❤️😘

    1. HG Tudor says:

      You are welcome Heather, that is good to read. Tell everybody you know.

  11. Oh this is just perfect! The way you explain things is simply……it just simply is.

    I`ve asked ….”If I was so terrible, why did you stick around?” and the typical responses I’ve received range from “I thought you could change” to “I wanted to see if we could make it work…make it good again” to “It all ended so quickly, without explanation. I stuck around hoping you’d tell me what went wrong and why, so maybe we would work on fixing it.”

    And then there’s the whole closure thing, which is entirely “willing volunteer.”

    As a victim, you become so accustomed to living with uncomfortable feelings and anxiety that you’re actually willing to endure for however long it takes to get the ending that you think you want. Oh yes…victims can be as stubborn as the Narc when it comes to getting what they want.

    As always HG, your take on things leaves me breathless. There is nobody out there who makes sense of it all the way you do.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      I am obliged B&T and oh so right.

  12. twinkletoes says:

    Should I make one last attempt, perhaps an email to hoover into a sphere of influence. I don’t believe I will get a response I just want to close the door on this so badly. I am ashamed to admit I am still stuck after 15 months. What say possibly to generate a response? Maybe even something nasty is ok at this point; at least my memory would be refreshed and it would be easier to block. Should I just block now, painful as it may be. Please feel free to take a 2×4 and smack me in the head.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      TT, do you really feel that you need to try and bring about a hoover? If you do, do you think that you can handle it? If you do get a hoover, how does that help you close the door? If you could answer those please before we formulate an e-mail inviting him to an All You Can Eat Buffet at the golden arches.

      1. twinkletoes says:

        A hoover is the closest thing to closure i’ll ever get, HG. It is validation I ‘mattered,’ or was ‘worth’ hoovering. A WUW, to me is peace; something nasty, perhaps, would make it easier to block. Yes, it will grant fuel but at the same time serve my own purpose. How could I word this in a way that he would respond?

        Am I correct any contact he will construed as pathetic/weak? Would it, in other words, make him feel powerful to continue ‘denying’ me?

        1. HG Tudor says:

          Any contact by you towards him would be regarded as inevitable. If he is busy with a new primary source, your contact is likely to be unwelcome and thus you will be labelled as pathetic for contacting him. Yes, in such a circumstance he would rather deny you and garner negative fuel from you and impress the new primary source so she provides positive fuel for him.

          Unless you totally escape us, the hoover will happen but you ought not to regard it as a badge of honour to have received a hoover. You don’t matter to us, it is your fuel that matters. You are an appliance, just like the one before and the one after.

          1. mlaclarece says:

            I still struggle with the badge of honor concept. If a damn appliance, I better be the one at the top of the heap, because he keeps returning to it!!!

      2. twinkletoes says:

        A hoover is the closest thing to closure i’ll ever get, HG. It is validation I ‘mattered,’ or was ‘worth’ hoovering. A WUW, to me is peace; something nasty, perhaps, would make it easier to block. Yes, it will grant fuel but at the same time serve my own purpose. How could I word this in a way that he would respond?

        Am I correct any contact he would construe as pathetic/weak? Would it, in other words, make him feel powerful to continue ‘denying’ me?

        The hope is keeping me stuck. Time to kill it.

    2. 1jaded1 says:

      My best friend asked me again why she wasn’t hoovered. She tempts herself with “bumping into him”. She wants to get satisfaction. She won’t. She knows it. Like HG says, it is no badge of honor. It gives him power…and that’s what it’s all about. You have the power. Take it and run.

  13. Miss_stress says:

    I hold strong to my previous stance In February.. If a “love devotee” is ensnared by the illusion weaved by the Narcissist, unaware of his/her motives and trusting the relationship is on equal footing of trust, respect and love. They are not a volunteer. If, at some point it is determined he/she is.a Narcissist, through numerous, red flags and research and they chose to remain, they become a volunteer. Willingly or not, based on the concept of addiction.

    But. I would like to add a another variable in accordance to this blog. A dynamic I was not fully cognizant of back In February. The majority of individuals In this blog are here to learn why they were chosen and abused by Narcissists. So. In that sense we are volunteers in this “arena” to partake in the knowledge that hg is imparting unto us to faclitate our own healing.

    Then there is another faction here for other reasons of engagement with the Narcissist, unrelated to past abuse or healing. More related to fascination or the seduction aspect. The allure of the dance, as HG alludes to.

    Like the other group, this faction is here to willingly engage, aka volunteer to a Narcissist. Entering this “arena” fully aware hg is a Narcissist and understanding of the dynamic.

    We are all volunteers here, In this blog. For varying reasons.
    This lyric loudly harkens in my mind, ” we are all just prisoners here, of our own device.” Meaning , if we chose to remain In this “arena” we are volunteers and/or sacrifices,
    My current device is my IPad , might be a mobile for someone else😏

    The article image, a reoccurring theme ( I like the image personally, I dislike it in this context) It implies that most Indiviiduals volunteer to be abused by the Narcissist. Voluntarily sacrificed. When in actuality, these “sacrifices” are chosen by the Narcissist. Unwitting victims, With some, as decribed above In the aforementioned example, as volunteering their self up for ” sacrifice” for the Narcissists desire and supply.

    1. bethany7337 says:

      I have learned all I need to about Narcissism, plenty before discovering HG and certainly a depth of understanding about the mind of a narcissist never possible by being here. I do not minimize the important knowledge…I can never see my former relationship in the same light again and therefore remaining committed to No Contact had been easier knowing what allowing him back near me would mean = More Pain. No Thanks. Not Again.

      I swear this blog off and still return. I am disturbed by this. Once again, the only person that can save me is me. It’s time to truly heal, to move past this experience of abuse. The mutual need between the two dynamics is not grounded in health and vitality. My soul can feel this.

      Much love to you all. HG, you are amazing, brilliant and talented. I will remember you and all you’ve taught me fondly.

      1. Poetic_Me says:

        I have only recently been learning about Narcissism, this year, and mostly through HGs book, blog, other readers such as your self Bethany..who along with others when I first found the blog and then returning once no contact again. You were a wonderful supportive presence in the blog, along with many others, the community has grown and changed in dynamic, as I have noticed since returning. With many of those previously here no longer present.
        Yes, Bethany my ex N will nevr be in my life again either. I accepted the Hoover for answers, which I never received, I know now I will never receive and I let him go. I loved him very much, but I love myself too, the part of me that doesn’t hurt others and is faithful and loving. Not the part of me that accepts this type of abuse from others, that I still need to heal within me. So this doesn’t happen with another man.
        I am close to the feeling of absorbing enough knowledge as well and I believe that once we reach that place, then we should move on with Greatfulness to HG and all his advisement. I am sure that is where many of the others have gone, onto their own healing journey away from any narcissistic, including this blog.
        There is a an energy that draws us in when we feel we can reclaim that energy for ourselves we can then move forward.I wish you peace and happiness Bethany. I am sorry since my return you haven’t been Present here much, but your healing is paramount. I find things triggering here as well and difficult to grasp at times. Especially being so emotional and questioning a person. This blog that HG offers is a unique prespective for those of us looking to learn and heal and move forward in our lives.
        Be well, Bethany x

    2. Petals says:

      Absolutely, we do not volunteer in any way shape or form. That is taken from us in the abuse. We were innocent but are stronger now.

      1. Miss_stress says:

        Yes ! Petals we are stronger now and much more aware. Well said.

    3. Indy says:

      Being a newbie here, I was wondering what dynamics were going on here and was confused. This helped me understand a little more of the different goals of folks, to each his own and I respect that. Mine is to continue to heal (still fresh out of my relationship and the grieving continues) and to learn and to support others in that process and also give support to HG and occasional challenging questions/debates to HG’s views (with full respect, of course). I value what is here and am grateful.

      1. Poetic_Me says:

        Hi Indy
        I enjoy your posts, I like when readers query and challenge HG. He enjoys debate. Not all can agree with every word he says, there should always be some form of opposing arguement and reflective questioning and HG appreciates such. Yes, I agree respectful debate. But he posts many that are highly disrepectful to him, it is all fuel , as you are aware. I prefer to remain respectful, as I appreciate his knowledge and willingness to share with us. We all have various reasons for being In this blog, I am the same as you Indy, I am recently out of a Narcissistic relationship, not knowing what he was, finding all the answers here form HG and other readers, being hovered by him and now again, over a month no contact. It is a slow going process. It really helps to converse with others who understand.
        Well said Indy, to heal yourself and support others.

  14. Cody says:

    HG, do you see yourself getting married again? I know it all comes down to fuel, so maybe if it was the only way to keep an exceptionally good supplier? Or are you at a stage now in your career and in your life where a wife is no longer necessary- more of a burden than an asset?

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Depends when you decide to ask me Cody.
      It depends on the circumstances. I am adaptable and it may be the case that becoming married again is the right thing to do.

      1. mlaclarece says:

        Because it’s death do you part with the unwritten contract anyways, so throw some wedding bands in…

        1. HG Tudor says:

          Always looks good to show somebody loves you and gives the appearance of stability, just so long as the band can be slipped off the finger though. I never sunbathed wearing my wedding ring, always took it off.

          1. mlaclarece says:

            You. Are. So. Frustrating.

          2. HG Tudor says:

            But. You. Love. It.

          3. mlaclarece says:


      2. ann94063 says:

        HG, just curious about your first marriage. If you don’t mind my asking, how old were you when you got married, how long did you two date before getting married, how soon after did the devaluation start, who left whom, how long did the marriage last, and are you still hoovering her?

        1. HG Tudor says:

          Hello Ann,
          1. In my 20s
          2. one year
          3. How soon after when, did the devaluation start?
          4. I left her twice and then she left me.
          5. 3 years.
          6. Yes

          1. mlaclarece says:

            Are your hoovers benign, malign, just to keep tabs, or to re-instate a fling or relationship?

          2. HG Tudor says:

            On the ex-wife? Malign. She deserves all the pain she gets for her treachery. She is also one filed under grudgefuck.

          3. mlaclarece says:

            I see. How’s that working for you? Green light yet on one of those angry f*cks?

          4. HG Tudor says:


          5. mlaclarece says:

            Wow, that must have been some Grudgef*ck to have Part II come along.

          6. ann94063 says:

            Yes, how soon after you started dating her or married her did you start the devaluation? On average, how long does it take you to get bored with your primary? Or does it depend on the woman? My devaluation started in less than 6 months after I refused to shack up with him. Could my refusal have anything to do with it commencing sooner? And what made him think devaluating me would make me change my mind? Before me, he was in a long-term relationship for 9 years, but she moved in with him after only 3 weeks of dating. By the time she left, she was in therapy. And by his own admission, she went no contact on him after she left as well. Looking back, I am grateful it only took me a year and a half to really get to know his nature and character, what took her 9 years! As always, thank you for your insight!

          7. HG Tudor says:

            It was about a year before the devaluation began.
            There is an average if I worked it out across all of the intimate relationships I have had with primary sources, but there is no standard time, it depends on the fuel source.
            Yes your refusal amounted to criticism. It also told him that you were not as bound to him as he required and therefore the provision of positive fuel would not flow as often as he required, thus he had to turn that tap off and turn on the one for negative fuel.
            Yes it appears that your suffered a light wound from his bullet compared to the person before you.
            You are welcome Ann, thank you for your question.

          8. ann94063 says:

            He said he liked independent women and one of the things he liked about me. But yet, he wanted me to surrender to him. Certainly a man of contradiction! Thank you!!!

      3. nikitalondon says:


  15. Stephanie says:

    Does Fuel = Attention? or Chaos? The more I read the less I understand. One more click on the dial (mentally) your kind could actually take a life?
    Can you not stop your brain from thinking this way? If you become this with enviorment then why can’t you change.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Attention plus emotion equals fuel.
      Chaos is what is left in our wake because of the drama we create in order to gain that emotional attention.
      Do you mean that we might kill someone or cause someone to take their life?
      It is how I must survive, how I must exist.

      1. Indy says:

        Thank you for clarifying that about fuel, HG. It is not just attention, but attention with emotion. That helps me see a little bit better what this is. I thought it was just attention (positive or negative)…but it also has to be emotion laden. I wonder why…Could it be to fill an emotional void? To learn about emotions sealed off? To feel vicariously? Interesting stuff.

        1. HG Tudor says:

          You are welcome Indy. If you read Fuel you will have your understanding increased tenfold. It is an eye opener.

    2. mlaclarece says:

      You have to agree though pushing one to the edge of possibly ending their own life is too extreme. Yes?

      1. HG Tudor says:

        I would not do that. It serves no purpose to me.

      2. Indiglowsky says:

        Yes, to mlaclarece, this is possible and it does happen. Seen it.

        HG, in response to your comment “I would not do that.”, you do not have that power to prevent that, that is something that clicks in the person’s mind and a decision is made to take their own life. You may not intend it, sure and I believe that you sincerely mean that AND it does happen in response to abuse. More likely with someone with BPD. Completed suicide rate is high n this population. Also, self harm.

        1. HG Tudor says:

          I do not dispute that suicide does happen to those on the receiving end of the treatment meted out by our kind. I was pointing out that I would not want that to happen because it is self-defeating.

        2. mlaclarece says:

          I do not doubt that at all.

  16. nikitalondon says:

    If its not meant to be that line in between love and addiction is found and drawn.
    Excellent writting for awareness of when its not meant to be.
    Have a nice day HG. Your writing is a gift to those who read you ❤️

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Thank you Nikita.

  17. Maddie says:

    you just shot me down. …I felt this post coming, You know, ? and You aren’t evil as subconsciously You are warning me in this post about how dangerous You are…

    1. Petals says:

      No? What about in real life? Do you think he warns his victims in real life? I would guess…not. Don’t be so quick to take that evil away from him. Yes, he is helping on here. Not because he wants to help but because of other reasons. The HG we see on here is different then the one in real life. Remember the masks if emotional abusers. Read these articles for you, choose the ones that help, but always stay grounded and true to yourself as I’m sure toy do. Xx

  18. JHW says:

    I notice that your writing style is very dramatic and grandiose. Entirely fitting I guess.

  19. Leilani says:


    1. HG Tudor says:

      Yes Leilani?

  20. Jessica says:

    I feel like I go through that everyday. Over and over again. The abuse needs to stop. The Sig other has no clue… And she never will. I am lucky to get out with some sanity in tact. I was always able to bounce back. Holding my tongue is a chore but let her be blind to this fact… She is still in the golden period…

  21. mlaclarece says:

    It’s not just letting him go and severing that tie. It’s also letting go of the version of myself that so innocently, blindly and fiercely loved that person. She was amazing and I don’t think she’ll ever be back either. We’re forever changed by these relationships. We love what you see in us and what you bring out in us. The deafening silence when you’re gone takes some time to get used to. However I realize in extreme abuse cases that include physical abuse, it is a much different dynamic and the freedom from that is exhilarating. It just depends how you were manipulated and played with.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      I agree. That person will not return because having learned from your experience and what you have learned here, you will not fall for another of our kind and therefore not be induced to love in that way again.

      1. mlaclarece says:

        Ouch. That makes me want to cry.

    2. Petals says:

      Emotional abuse is no less harmful then physical abuse. Also, if someone is physically abusive to you chances are high they are also emotionally abusing you as well. The loss of who you thought they were is what makes you feel that emptiness at first. But there is so much freedom that comes soon after. It isn’t a loss. You are a stronger person now. And you are free of their manipulative claws.

      1. Petals says:

        The freedom from emotional abuse is beyond exhilarating. I promise you. You will feel that in time. 🙂

      2. Indy says:

        Hi Petals, Yes!!! I so agree, that feeling is amazing when you realize you can leave and you regain yourself stronger and wiser. Tasting the nectar of freedom and feeling like the bionic woman (parts replaced, though much stronger)

  22. Cara says:

    It’s true…I know how bad my mother is. I’ve been her victim, her perfect little punching bag, and I’ve seen myself becoming her carbon copy.

  23. ann94063 says:

    This totally resonated with me. For 1.5 years, I couldn’t remember a month where there was no conflict/drama going on. I cried more in 1.5 years dating this asshole than I did in my 22-year marriage! I could see that he was starting to put a wedge between me and my daughter. When I started losing my daughter’s respect for putting up with his bad behavior, that was it for me. The last straw was when he essentially used my daughter’s growing dislike of him to essentially make me choose. Guess what, asshole, big mistake — boyfriends/husbands come and go, but my kid will always be my kid!

  24. Indiglowsky says:

    Hi HG, I understand that both the narcicist and the partner have a role and responsiblty. Indeed, the partner must battle with emotional addiction and trauma bonds and make the voice to leave the abuse. The contract was not signed willingly, however. Many do not know until it’s too late that they have been brainwashed and gaslit to the point that some, including myself, sought therapy and medication to deal with the anxiety and depression. I’m so glad that I was strong enough to leave and have begun the healing process.

    Thankfully, the information you provide here may help some see that it is abuse. This is a good thing. And….Some do not make it. Let us not forget those “volunteers” that have emotional and personality disorders that also fall prey….don’t forget, some do suffer dire consequences from this this abusive and predatory behavior….some contemplate and complete suicide. I know this because I work with them everyday in my work, individuals that end up in institutions, that harm themselves to release the pain and some die. Please, do not forget the Consequences. You know the consequence from suffering from the treatment from your mother. The other side of this is some do not make it through the battle.

    Keep growing, keep doing your commendable work….and don’t forget the ones not spoken of.


    1. HG Tudor says:

      Thank you Indy. Indeed, the reason I am direct and provide the brutal truth is in order to place that information in the hands of the reader so that it penetrates through the fog, the denial, the inability to accept and so forth. I would say that nearly all victims do not know until it is too late. That is how we operate. That is how we succeed in what we do. Nobody sees us coming. If they did, they would run a mile.

      1. Heather says:

        Hi you guys! I just want to comment on what I learned about the ” F.O.G.” Came from a book called Emotional Blackmail by Susan Forward a long time ago. It helped me to look at my motives. One of my early Revelations about the FOG that I was in so thick, choking on and blinded by and Totally controlled and confused and amazed by.. It is FEAR. OBLIGATION. GUILT! NOT good MOTIVES TO decide by! It Not fulfilling. It is exhausting, disappointing, unfulfilling and draining! Resentful!! Totally wrong and we can say no thanks! We have to check OUR FEELIINGS when we are being pressured this way! These Narcs are laughing at the way they control us in the FOG. I don’t want to do ANYTHING for THOSE REASONS anymore!! NONE of it is LOVE or leads to peace, joy, intimacy, or self/respect! They don’t appreciate anything you do for these reasons. Nothing rewarding about it. And for those of you that are cool with God? He said DONT do anything out of reluctance or compulsion! He loves a cheerful giver! Born from love, protected by boundaries and respect to your personal limitations in ALL areas and willingness. No rewards for the one that pours it all down the drain! I was 33 years old before I was asked, “What about your feelings”? (Even tho it was this last lying Narc that asked it!) No one ever asked me that before!? Including me! Joyce Meyer helped me check my motives. And I started saying no to people. So many Narcs turning on the FOG machine!!’ One by one I started learning to say yes where I could and no where I could not or would not.. AND NONE of it went over well with my Narcs everywhere! First they had a fit! And then they started falling away.. One by one. Be prepared! I WAS NOT!! I was SHOCKED at how many people I was caring for that turned UP the FOG and actually left because I started saying no. It’s a journey.. Looking back? It’s a very good thing they are gone. 🙂 Thanks

  25. Fool me 1 time says:

    This is the one that was hardest for me to believe! But as time goes on and I can look back, you are absolutely right HG! It was like a fix and I would of given up everything to have it back even if only for one more time! I was that starved for love and attention it didn’t matter if it was negative or not as long as it was something! So pathetic!! You don’t realize what’s happening to you at the time, it happens so fast! A strong women in every other attribute in live, accept when it comes to men!! This leaves me with a lot to think about tonight.

    1. Petals says:

      You did nothing wrong. You were abused, none of it is your fault. This didn’t happen to you because did a weakness in you. It happened be caused a weakness and disorder in THEM. X

  26. Stephanie says:

    Not willing anymore! Day 6

    1. So Sad says:

      Well done Steveianne!

      Six days is BRILLIANT !! x

      1. Ana fortson says:

        And I’m so ready to scape and have my day one congrant for the ones who have already scape 😢

        1. So Sad says:

          Thank you Ana 🙂

          Do you have a timeline for your escape & a plan in place .. ?
          Stay strong , it’s so worth it in the end xx

    2. ann94063 says:

      Good for you, Stephanie! Stay strong! It does get easier.

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