Exposed Part 2 – 5 Early Warnings

Image result for picture of red flags

 

 

Here are five further opportunities to flush out whether the person you are interacting with is potentially one of our kind.

 

  1. Ask which parent we liked the best

The Lesser will launch into an uncontrolled tirade about the one he hates because that is the one that has made his life a misery since childhood. He despises that person and will relish the opportunity to share his vitriol with you.

The Mid-Range will not opt for fury but rather will speak in melancholic terms for the purposes drawing some kind of sympathy about how he misses a particular parent (one will be preferred over the other and this will be the one who he wanted to love him but did not) and he will describe how he does so much for this parent but is underappreciated. He will not actually choose one parent over the other but instead he will use the question as an opportunity to convey his woes.

The Greater will tell you that his parents died in a car crash, or left the country, or that he was abandoned as child purely for the purposes of gathering fuel from you and making him appear to be a troubled soul, whilst every time you look in the other direction he will be smirking. When you eventually meet his parents he will use your bewilderment at their appearance to make a joke and display how he loves his parents immensely. This is all show. He actually wishes they were dead.

The Normal will not pick one over the other usually, but if he does, this will be done after emphasising the good points of both parents so that one only just shades it.

  1. Ask what our favourite toy was during childhood

The Lesser will recount a tale about how his favourite toy was broken by a parent, a sibling or stolen by a supposed friend. The rant he will engage in will seem like this toy was hugely expensive and that the event happened yesterday.

The Mid-Range will most likely point to a board game and remark about how he won every game that he ever played and may even admit to cheating at the game. He will answer this question quickly, as if it is something that is often at the forefront of his mind.

The Greater will dismiss having played with toys and will explain how he was too busy studying, playing sport or chasing girls. Indeed, there is every chance that he will explain he was doing all three. He does not want too many reminders of childhood because the memories remain painful and all too clear, not that he will admit that to you. He will instead ask you about your favourite toy.

The Normal will smile and identify something which will be straight-forward and simple but he will speak about it with fond enthusiasm.

 

  1. Ask when did we last cry

The Lesser will relate it to some personal slight that he has suffered. It will not be because he was upset about someone else, but rather that he was upset for himself. He will not be able to provide a precise time.

The Mid-Range will profess it was as a consequence of a sad film or on seeing some campaign to help blind gay whales find their parents. He wants you to think he cares and is compassionate so will align his supposed crying with such an event. The reality is he cried when he thought his last supply was leaving because he felt bad for himself and he knew that turning on the water works is a sure fire way of stopping the departure and garnering sympathy.

The Greater will say that he does not cry. He will be proud of that fact and not wish to mask it. He will then ask you what makes you cry and make a careful note of what your answers are.

The Normal will explain it was when his grandmother passed away, when his dog died or when Bambi’s mother was killed by the hunter in the film. It may also be when his team last won the championship or when he was re-united with a long lost friend.

 

  1. Apply a gentle criticism to us

The Lesser will reject the assertion and argue that you are wrong. He will initially keep a lid on his ignited fury because this has been done during the seduction but if you press the point he will erupt.

The Mid-Range will fall silent as he tries to prevent the criticism from igniting his fury. He cannot respond because he is exerting his control to keep his ignited fury under control. Once he feels it abating he will either change topic pretending that he never heard it or he will depart from your company for a few minutes as he regains his composure. Say hello to your first, short silent treatment.

The Greater will smile and laugh. The smile will be false and the laugh hollow. He has plenty of control during this seduction to prevent his ignited fury from manifesting. Expect however a back-handed compliment later in the interaction and he has filed away your comment which will be revisited on you during devaluation.

“Remember when you said you did not like this tie? I certainly do. Well, Louise loves this tie and thinks it suits me. Who is Louise? Wouldn’t you like to know?”

The Normal will smile and laugh it off, asking you “Do you think so, why do you say that?” interested to know why you have said what you have said. He may reject it but will do so pleasantly or he may take the comment on board with good grace.

 

  1. Observe our interactions with a minion

The Lesser will go out of his way to be haughty and demonstrate that he is the boss in order to try to impress you.

The Mid-Range will be charming and pleasant in order to draw fuel from both you and the minion. His obsequiousness will be noticeable and he will spend more time than he ought to deal with the minion.

The Greater will be flirtatious and point out that “They love me in here because of how much I spend, I always get a great table and great service.” It will be all about how great he is and how the minion is there to serve him.

The Normal will be polite and have minimal interaction with the minion because he will be concentrating on you.

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29 thoughts on “Exposed Part 2 – 5 Early Warnings”

  1. There’s an obsession that come’s over me to feel like I’m coming home to you. For 8 years you and I have been a team, me picking you up from work everyday at the same time, you or I cooking at home or us going out to diner, events, functions ( you being a vegan and me a meat eater) did not make it very easy, I was an asshole at times to just cook diner for myself because I didn’t want to wait for you to pick out something fast enough. if I’d work late you’d bring me diner to my office ( so sweet ), watching movies together, sharing conversations of our daily happenings , holding each other before going to bed, making love, these feelings and actions I miss like you wouldn’t believe. The internet thing, I’m a self employed Computer Technical Engineer, the web is my ocean and I fish in it, you know this ( dragoncreeper79 )

    As for the truth, that door opens both ways, I’d say this website would be the easiest way to open up and let OUT my demons, Knowing the Narcissist, you always called me one, There are two sides to me, the person that wants to do everything and more for the person I’m with, being truthful, honest, caring, sweet and kind, provide, be thoughtful., Then there’s the evil one, where all I want to do is inflict pain, do evil, hate, destroy, shut off, no feeling, take advantage, con, lie. I do think everyone has these emotions some more than others, but this is me we are talking about.

    I know that my evil side over powers my good, Maybe this is why I am great in sales, they say ( if you spend enough time with someone you become just like them ) When I first met you, you showed me your true self, very loving, caring, thoughtful, sweet, tried your best to please others, doing the best you could in everything you did, loving animals, being creative in art and photography. you leeched on to me and gave me everything, all of you. Within time I started taking more from you, little by little I shaped you to do things my way, I took control of your time, making you drift apart from your friends just to be with me, changed you to see my way only. After years passing you had become just like me, same expressions, same attitude, no drive to do what you wanted to do in fear of my words, thoughts, remark, putdowns. I do see why we are where we are, you needed a let out to breath, I see how I’ved destroyed your self expressions, your will to achieve more for yourself, to accomplish your passions, bring back your creativity side, share with others.

    I am a jealous, controlling, possessive, aggressive, selfish person, I see it, I realize it, I know it, these are my faults ( I WANT TO CHANGE ), its not an easy thing to do

    YOU KEEP TELLING ME, DO IT FOR YOUSELF, IM SAYING, ILL DO IT TO KEEP US TOGETHER AS WELL AS FOR ME.

    I FUCKED UP!, GIVE ME A REAL CHANCE TO MAKE THE CHANGE AND PROVE MY DEVOTION TO YOU AND HOW MUCH I LOVE YOU.

    IT’S NOT BULLSHIT.

  2. Dragoncreeper this is horrible he could post here. This should be a safe Place for you and all of us to seek solace and understanding about Narcissism, In relation to your self and partner. Free from further abuse and smearing. That is frightening that was posted and for you to unknowingly read. It would have set me back to read such a thing and know he is In this blog too. i am so sorry for you. Can you find out how he was aware you were posting here? Assisted hoover , indeed.
    I would not be pleased, if it were my ex doing that. Bad enough they smear us everywhere else, but now even in the place where we seek answers to help us heal. Appalling.
    Hugs to you xx

  3. This is all one sided, twisted, I am dragoncreep79’s problem, I understand broken can not be fixed to new. In an 8 year relationship things are bound to go wrong, a person that’s not willing to fix a problem is the cause, I was change and willing to change myself, I’m maybe too out spoken, a bit over powering, I have to have stability and control over things in my life, I have been willing to change all for the love a have for dragoncreeper79. Being to close minded, not speaking out loud when you need to say the things you need to say to relieve yourself creates a huge issue, going back in time 1-3-5-7-years of things that have happened and being constantly reminded of things on a daily basis that where bad spoken and done was a huge issue, moving on letting things go would be the right thing to do ( right? ) if you love a person. What is the point of being with someone who is not willing to change and reason with one another, The greatest points ( supporting one another, loving, caring, protecting each other, financial stability, understanding, forgiving ). We all have our issues no ones perfect, a joke or saying can be manipulated into a huge fight over senseless things. I say too much ( I-know ) I rather say everything out loud and not dwell over issues that bother me, this helps me relieve myself and get over it. The truth really hurts at times, I am 100% truly in love with dragoncreeper79, I do anything for her to see Id keep my promises and change. Its hard to show that change when the other person is not there or unavailable or gives 2-3 day to show change, a text message sent and a response 3hrs later with a maybe. Time heals all and I am not giving this a try because I’m obsessing for her attention, I’m dying to be with her again the way things where, I’m insecure overthinking the situation, I fear her being with someone else and loosing her, At times I have rage and shown anger management issues for senseless options, a question asked and being answered with another questions, a question asked and the same questions being twisted again to answer it. A challenge of asking someone to stop doing what there doing or saying things to some ones breaking point. It is her right to leave me for some physical and verbal abuse I have show in the relationship. I cant change the past, but I can and will change seeking help for my personal issues. I guess in a lot of ways DR. you can use me as a perfect example of a screwed up person. I think I’ve gone overboard and gone out of context. It has been almost 3 months of our separation and I have stopped trying to be with her, I do miss her with all my heart, I do wish her back, I cant force her back, and I’m not willing to support her financially any more if I cant see any options of us being together. I’m cutting all ties…. thank you

      1. Wow… it is unfortunate that he is not completely truthful. I do admire the admittance of some of his brash behavior, however internet stalking is the same as driving by my apartment!! :/

  4. If he doesn’t answer 1-4 before I ask, I will ask. Laser focus, now. The third date for most of these. We won’t get that far.

    With respect to 5. It is always on my radar how one treats others. Always.

    1. good idea … I’ll be testing every one of them on 1-2 dates lol unless his eyes will reveal it faster…

  5. HG again great. The greater is word by word as you describe it.. Like if you would have neem im the comversatioms.
    The damgerously highly manipilative. The ones you never discover and make you believe they are saints and the best that happened to you.
    I would say all 3 are very toxic @roger, but the greater is the one that makes a long lasting damage because you discover ir so late and the other two are easier to discover the damage..
    Veeeery Good 😍

  6. 1.my sister and I were asked this by my mothers friend who was watching as when my parents went away on holiday without us. I may have been beaten 8-10. I recall it like yesterday…sat at their breakfast table and she says, so who do you love more, your mum or your dad….I said without hesitation my father. My sister said nothing. I knew immediately, my mums friend, my mums question….ask me, then be prepared for my answer. I did love my mum, the questions was, more. I was punished when they returned home, when that answer was relayed to my mother.
    I wouldn’t ask who do you love more to someone, but the CN, praised his father, he was an educator, he never had a nice word for his mum.

    2.my favourite toy, was a teddy bear I slept with as child. My CN, searched long and hard to find one that looked just like him for Christmas one year. He never had a favourite toy, when I asked him.

    3. I cry for sorrow and happiness. CN said he cried often, I never saw or heard him cry, he claimed he cried at songs that reminded him of me, or when he felt he hurt me emotionally.

    4.Criticism upsets me if it is dine to shame or emanates as me, if it effects my self esteem. I often find things being addressed a dominated out to me helpful. I suppose it is the manner in which it is done.
    CN, found a criticism in many things. I often couldn’t win with him in any question.

    5. I don’t have minions…..CN was always social and Charming and or
    Pleasant to everyone. Except me behind closed doors. He said I was the only who could make him angry and I didn’t even try. Claimed it was because I didn’t trust him…hmm, why didn’t I trust him again, self admitted deceptions.

    These are fantastic HG, MRCN ( new handle), fits into his mould well.

      1. I wanted to include a comparison between him and myself and I like answering questions. So you mind, I gave you personal input?

      2. What was your query regarding HG, as I did the same the last time you did similar article, only not numerically. I suppose, I like to age my behaviour to that of others to know my behaviour is and remains counter to his behaviour. If I saw something similar the. I can look at such and question why. I would assume any normal would the same, evaluate their own behaviour. Whereas an N seeks to blame theirs on another.

  7. Oh my HG. This could not be better detailed here in clearly identifying dots; may I say again, DOTS on the spectrum of Toxic persons. What great tools for the rules of engagement this is! This would truly be a magnificent tool to add to the relational “tool kit” for nons; going forward in their future arsenal of inspection and personal protection. Now may I suggest that this would be advantageous “after” the identification and realization process of ones own enabling past, how they got that way and how these conditions may have drawn them to specific toxic persons in the first place. Especially if the relational pattern is repeated (ie. our own red flag). Our goal here is to ultimately and finitely escape the Toxic Tyranny over ones past victimization. Your excellent description of “Lesser, Mid-Range, Greater and Normal” are absolute perfection HG! It is vitally important for us all to realize all those specific characteristics of Toxic persons on the spectrum of Toxicity verses those who are most likely NOT. May I also say for those of us that are “Fixer/Rescuers,” it is plenty easy to repeat that pattern in relational-comfort in auto-pilot. It is CLEARLY harder and extremely unorthodox to undo Fixer/Rescuer auto-pilot. For we have to rely on our newly attained knowledge and; may I suggest, “manual triggers” to present and protect ourselves from being “baited-in” again. Sometimes it may feel like re-starting our youthful relational desires from the beginning and getting it right for the very first time in our lives. Not comfortable OR easy by all means, indeed. I wish you ALL the very best in study, identifying and striving for healthy relationships going forward. Thank you again HG for your sincere transparency.

    1. I am fixer and rescuer, but I can also see the red flags, my problem was when I chose to ignore them till they could no longer be ignored. It was not denial, it was more I can tolerate it, until I couldn’t anymore. Then feeling guilty for the intolerance, not the anger, but my own self emotional preservation. When I found out he was a narcissist ! I offered him acceptance, he couldn’t accept or understand what he is, so he deflected in anger and denial. Then sought out other fuel supplies that didn’t know what he was. I create a situation that I knew would cause him to release me, as he would not have let me go of his own doing.
      It is too bad there wasn’t some way to help bring an N to awareness without them feeling Judged or criticised, but instead accepted.
      HG! Any ideas?

    1. Thank DC79. I can relate to your emotions. May I suggest that for those of us who own extreme empathy, that we HAVE to find that place in our emotions to “over-ride” our empathy and manually trigger our new found knowledge over our past hurt(s) unto self-preservation. We have to identify and own our weaknesses/strengths in our beautiful emotions and compassion to discern where we learn to draw the line to protect ourselves from repeated victimization. With that being said, I TRULY understand how hard that can be for us for I am 59 and just recently coming to this realization. May I also suggest that our emotions will always trigger our deep seeded compassion for that will never change. But we “can” learn how to throw the manual trigger of emotional self-preservation going forward. In my opinion and experience, there is no cure for deep soulful compassion and empathy that we have for others, but we can learn how to manage this manually for the rest of our lives to ultimately protect ourselves and our emotions. May I encourage you to discover where your “own” line will be drawn to protect yourself from your own beautiful emotions in caring for others. I wish you all the best with this endeavor.

      1. Rheffelb, thank you for this. It is incredibly difficult to over-ride those emotions when you care for someone. I feel horrible when I hurt someone and the only way I can get past that is to put up a wall and keep emotions out of the equation, but I am easy in that sense. It is rare I can sense bad vibes from someone but a deep sadness becomes overwhelming and here I go again wanting to take that pain. I am resilient and I am okay taking hits, it isn’t easy to take me down HOWEVER this mind game of love really had my head spinning. I just need to get him to leave me alone… I will tell you though, dealing with his insanity for the past several months, post break-up, has shown me exactly how he reels me back in. I am learning but I have to keep my foot down instead of giving in to his lies. You are right about boundaries, I am learning that as well but I can tell you that it is not easy… the guilt part is what I need to work on… I guess putting me first.

        I will rise up once again, thank you!

  8. Yes, yes and yes… I have seen every single one of these red flags… for years I watched, lived and compromised because I am the healer. Now that I know he cannot be healed I refuse to waste my time. Knowing the signs and still proceeding are two different things…now if you can tell me how NOT to be so dismissive that would be great.

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