So Bitter

Envy and jealousy form two of the limited range of emotions that we are permitted. Of course, our reduced range of emotional responses is entirely by design so that we are furnished only with those emotions which drive us forward in our pursuit of fuel and thus we are freed from the hindering effects of many emotions which you experience such as compassion, sadness and joy. Envy and jealousy certainly provide us with the impetus and motivation to gather our precious fuel but they are emotions that you exhibit as well. Admittedly, there are those amongst your number that are so selfless and giving that an envious thought or look of jealousy never clouds your saintly features, but for many of your kind there is a bitterness that arises from this jealousy although we know you would never admit it and would prefer to blame it on us. Take for example the following exchange I had with one of my ex-girlfriends. I have not named the individual,not because I have some semblance of decency by granting her anonymity. Not at all. No, this is borne out of highlighting that this conversation could have taken place with any number of my ex-girlfriends. It is a conversation that could have taken place with many of you. She was in a period of devaluation and was providing me with plenty of negative fuel so as I worked behind the scenes to line-up my new prospect there was no urgency to bring about a discard. We had arranged to meet at a wine bar. I was fifteen minutes late.

“Oh here at last,” she remarked as I walked in to the wine bar. I pretended not to notice her at first,my eye caught by a tall and attractive lady who was stood near to me at the bar. I smiled at the tall lady and she returned it.

“I said,” declared the ex in a louder voice, “you are here at last.”

I turned to where she was sat as if noticing her for the first time.

“Ah hello, yes what a day, major deal going on and I had to take a conference call with New York,Pretoria and Frankfurt. It’s all happening I can tell you.”

“You could have rung to say you were running late, I have been sat here wondering where you were.”

“Am I late? We said 7-15.”

“No, seven o’clock.”

“I think you will find it was 7-15. I remember distinctly because I told my secretary to schedule the conference call for 4pm to last for no longer than 3 hours to give me sufficient time to get here. Big deal you see, so it needed that time allocated to it.”

“Well, I was busy too you know,” she remarked.

“Not on the scale I have been my dear,” I replied with a smile as I continued to scan the wine bar to see if there was anybody I knew and any further opportunities to gather fuel.

“Oh of course, your work is always more important than mine isn’t it?”

“No need to be like that, I am just stating a fact.”

She began to say something but I cut her off by pointing at her wine glass which was nearly empty and asking,

“Which wine is that?”

“Er, the chardonnay,” she replied.

“The Chablis here is far better, I will get that,” I remark and smile as I see her twist her face at my comment. I indicated to a waitress to come over to the table and I ordered two glasses of the Chablis.

“A far better choice,” I declare pleasantly,

“Oh it would be wouldn’t it since you chose it?” she added sourly.

I pretend I didn’t hear and thrust my hand out and revealed a watch from underneath the double cuff of my shirt.

“What do you think of this then? Impressive no?”

“Why have you bought that? I got you a watch only last month,” she announced in irritation.

“I know but, well, this is of a superior quality and the strap on the one you got me did not fit my wrist properly, not like this one,” I explained and I then continued to espouse the virtues of the chronological item as her face darkened. I of course revelled in this but I maintained the pretence that I did not notice.

“Anyway, enough of that,” she snapped.

“Something the matter? Not jealous are you? Jealous? Of a watch?”

“No I’m not jealous,” she answered far too quickly.

“Yes you are.”

“No I am not, anyway, where are we going this weekend? I thought we might go to Rockcliffe for a couple of nights, the restaurant in the orangerie is apparently really good,” she continued.

“I am not going there.”

“Why not?”

“Because I have been invited to Guisborough instead.”

“Who by?”

“What’s it got to do with you?”

“Er just a bit, I am your girlfriend or had you forgotten about that?”

“I would rather not say, you will only get jealous,” I grinned.

She looked indignant.

“Let’s just say Guisborough is better than Rockcliffe so that is where I will be going,” I added.

“Oh I see, you always have to go one better than what I suggest,” she snarled.

“Hey,I cannot help it if people who have excellent choice invite me to such a place can I?”

“You do it all the time. I get a new car, so you do the same only yours is more expensive. I gained a promotion and rather than congratulate me you tell me all about the targets you apparently smashed. I cook you a fantastic dinner but you tell me it is not as good as the one you did the previous week. I show you a picture and you tell me you have one that is similar only yours is better. Good God, I even told you about a moisturiser I was using, just chit chat and you have to explain how the one you use is superior to it. What is wrong with you? You always have to bring it back to you and go one better?”

“What’s wrong with me? What’s wrong with you?” I replied feigning a look of displeasure despite the fact I was revelling in all this fuel that was being provided.

“You are consumed by your petty jealousy. I share what I achieve, I tell you first, I let you into everything I do so you can feel reassured that you are with someone who is successful and all you can ever do is be jealous and envious. How about being pleased for me for once rather than thinking about yourself?”

“I cannot believe what I am hearing. You boast all the time, you do it with everything. You tell me repeatedly about how you are ‘kicking ass and taking names’ at work, how the higher-ups adore you, how you are looking at buying an even larger house and how you have always been the highest achiever in your family. I told you about my degree result, yours had to be a class higher, if that is even true of course as sometimes I wonder. Your university was better than mine, your post code is a more desirable area,you have more friends than me, you have visited more countries than me. Every time I try and tell you something you have to trump it and go one better,” she continued as the anger tainted her words.

I slowly stand and her eyes widen as she seems surprised by my movement.

“I’m not sitting here listening to your jealousy, I am parked on a double yellow line and I am not getting a ticket just because you are envious of me,” I hiss. I turn as I hear her shout after me.

“There you go again, it couldn’t be a single yellow line could it? Oh no.”

I smiled and walked away content in the knowledge that these continued bouts of envy provided me with such delicious fuel. So predictable. Single yellow? I liked that.

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12 thoughts on “So Bitter”

  1. It makes me sad that envy/jealousy are one of the few emotions you can feel, because of all the emotions, these two are probably the most bitter and painful. Unfortunately i struggle with them myself. I may be an empath but I have N traits, quite a few if I’m honest. For a long time, a lot of the more sublime emotions that are closed off to you were nearly closed off to me too. I’m what a psychologist friend of mine calls a “subclinical narcissist.”
    Things are changing now for me and some of these sublime emotions are starting to be freed to me. As that happens, the envy and jealousy and bitterness begins to go away. I hope that can happen for you one day, HG. You’re in my prayers.

  2. I see so many couples and people like this not really enjoying life and knowing what happiness is.. missing out on real life…..
    But its never late to change <3

  3. Yeah, Forgot my wallet, Card isn’t swiping, Car broke down so cost a fortune, Expecting a big cheque any day now. And the best one of all, Absolutely if you pay, of course I will pay you back with Interest.

    A fantastic combination of Poor me, not my fault, future faking and good old pure pathological lying.

  4. Rude. You’ve already expressed how you rage when others are late. N2 was frequently late when we first started going out. I gave it a pass or two bc I was worried and it was before cell phones. Then I asked him if he really wanted to go out with me bc his actions said otherwise. Finally, I’d just take off and do my own thing as well.

  5. Had something like this happen to me with my narc in a similar venue once. I finally got weary of his one-upmanship and always turning the conversation back on himself, I decided to strike up a conversation with the woman on the other side of me. He didn’t like that. I wonder why?! 😁 At another time, he said he was going to call on a Saturday morning to drive somewhere and spend the day together. He called at a little after noon. By then, I was already at the said place, by myself (and enjoyed it)! He didn’t like that, either, and complained that I was “trying to prove something.” Yeah…that my time is also valuable!

    1. I agree. That kind of behavior is purely baiting and attention seeking and I don’t usually even respond if I’m mad, much less keep it going. Past a certain point though it’s pretty much impossible for me to hide my emotions and body language, so I guess I would still provide fuel if i were goaded enough. When it’s brought out in the beginning stages of a relationship to show off or whatever, it usually gets a polite smile and nod, and a mental note that this dude is a self-important douchebag.

      I had hints of that more negative baiting with one guy, he was just super obvious with his attempts at triangulation and stuff, so much so that it was funny. So when he invited me out for coffee, then showed up late and conveniently with no wallet, I wasn’t surprised. But I just smiled and politely said, “That’s ok, I already bought mine” pointing to my own drink, not offering to buy him one or calling him out on his bullsh*t. He seemed like he just really didn’t know what to say or do for a good few seconds but I could tell he was not pleased at all. I think he wanted me to either start an argument or cave in and buy him something. I’ve refused all offers to meet with him since.

      1. I like that. I’ll have to remember to do that — buying my own drink before they get there and see what they do. I tend to be a pushover and probably would have bought him a drink. 😝 Although probably not much else.

      2. I would have offered if he’d been, I dunno, less of a try hard at being a dick. (In fact I usually offer anyway because it feels like I’m being conceited to assume the man will pay. Just to me, in my own mind. I know it’s the socially proper thing.) But it seemed important to show a bit of independence as well as resistance to being dragged into pettiness at that moment. I’ve done it a few times since then with other guys I’ve met with, and they’ve been totally fine with it. It is just Peet’s/Starbucks, so a walk up to the counter kind of thing. But I think it could work just as well at a bar or restaurant. One didn’t get anything, just talked, and a couple of them went and got their own, no big deal. With one of those we were talking long enough and he still wanted to be gentlemanly, so he treated me to lunch at a nearby cafe. No one got butt hurt that I could tell.

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