Knowing Everything Yet Nothing

The people that know me and interact with me often remark that I always seem attuned to people and my environment. They remark about how I know so much about certain things, that I have clearly experienced a lot and retained the benefit of this experience. My awareness of matters is high and it is often commented on how I am able to “plug in” to something and instantly understand it, know how it works and what to do. Whether it is a meeting, discussion or event, I always fit in. I am not going to disagree with those comments.

Let us imagine that you are a massive football (soccer for our transatlantic cousins) fan. I listen to how you analyse a forthcoming match and discuss the impact of an expensive new signing. I carefully pay attention as you detail how the opposition centre-half is weak on short passes played into the penalty area. I see your eyes widen and light up with interest as you debate these issues with fellow fans. I make a careful note of what is said by you and the others and store it so that I can regurgitate it later to someone else who is similarly interested in football and pass it off as my own knowledge and observations. I do this with conviction so that nobody recognises that these comments are not my own. I spent the morning before the match that we are attending, reading the sport sections of two quality newspapers and also the satellite broadcaster’s webpage for the match, along with other bits and pieces from around the internet in order to assemble my knowledge for this, our first match together. I knew from your social media postings that you are a passionate fan of this team and as I targeted you I pretended I was as well. I managed to recall key trophies the team had won and recent events from the football club’s website to enable me to demonstrate I was also a committed fan. In the course of the discussion with you and your friends who are also die-hard fans I trot out a piece I memorised from a football writer, tweaking it here and there to give it a ring of authenticity as I explain how the captain, sorry our captain, needs a holding midfielder alongside him to allow him to venture further forward and play key balls to the lone man up front. You all nod in agreement showing admiration in my knowledge despite it being acquired elsewhere. I feel the fuel flowing.

I attend the match with you and see how excited you are by the occasion. Your conversation speeds up as you talk about the team the manager has selected. The smell of beer and hot dogs and pies mixes together on the concourse, heightening the occasion as the singing from the away fans drifts from inside the stadium. An event like this assails the senses. The press of the crowd as it makes its way inside seems to lend energy to you and your pace quickens, causing me to have to speed up to ensure I am not left behind. Once in our seats your face shows how you are eagerly anticipating the game, the chanting and shouting already loud, bouncing around the stadium and competing with the delivery of the pa announcer. All around me I can see nervous anticipation, bullish enthusiasm and well-founded confidence. I listen to the chants so I learn the words enabling me to join in. I watch you as you crane forward in your seat, eyes fixed on the unfolding match, fists clenched and repeated utterances issued loudly to urge your team on. I mimic your exhortions and body language, leaning towards the pitch and then jumping up as your team, now our team, opens the scoring. You hug me and I return the hug, jumping up and down in a replica of the delight that washes across the home crowd. The taunting chants aimed at the opposition ring out and I readily join in, gesturing towards the disconsolate faces in the adjoining stand. A second goal is scored, this time from the cries of delight and the conjoining of profanity and blasphemy the goal is clearly of both quality and importance.

“That puts us on top of the league on goal difference,” you explain as if you are able to see that I am wondering why there is such a heightened reaction to this second goal. I know however that you are not wondering that at all. I know that you are thrilled that I am embracing with such enthusiasm the match, sharing the main passion in your life. I join in with the cheers, the shouting, the cries of frustration and disappointment, the barracking of the referee when he makes a poor decision and ensure I am fully integrated with the experience. I look around me watching the passion, the hope, the fury and the delight etched on the other supporters. The stadium is a cauldron of noise and emotion. I am plugged into this experience alongwith fifty five thousand other people. I can see the emotions are raw and visceral, even primitive.

I see all of this around me yet I feel none of it. I merely mimic everyone else in order to fit in. I am attached to the experience but I feel nothing. I am completely detached from it. All it does is serve  a purpose to enable me to create and build bridges and ties with you. I can see how it all affects you, it is clear to see. I am there yet I am not. I am connected yet removed. This is how it feels, or rather, this is how it does not.

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34 thoughts on “Knowing Everything Yet Nothing”

  1. What can anyone say to this? I will repeat myself and state again I can not feel what you don’t.

    On this subject of football, I would feel nothing. I do not care about teams of any sport. It does not dictate my life like some, like most now that I think about it. I do have season Hockey tickets for our new team. I think I like the part where they bash each other in hockey. As of late, they have toned it down with the bashing. (no kidding)

    Did you ever feel HG? As a young boy, did you ever have emotions? You must have otherwise you would not have cared about your MatriNarc’s tirades and her rejections or scolding of not being good enough with a performance of a test. (did I spell her name correctly, I seem to misspell names, oh silly me, I care not.)

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    1. I still have emotions SA just not as many as anybody else. I think therefore you meant did I feel other emotions such as caring for someone, being happy and so forth. Evidently I did as I am told that is the case but I struggle to remember a lot of them. I remember more readily the shame, the anger and the resentment that arose from the treatment that you describe.

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      1. Yes, HG, the trauma of our youth brings us to who we are today. W can make choices as adults and take this trauma, learn from it and become a better person, parent, etc. Blah Blah Blah. You know the drill.

        You do not know my history and I know you do not care, but I promise you, I am sure it was a bit harsh and perhaps more than just berating.

        In reading all you post, I see myself too many times. At the age of twenty, I knew I had to start thinking and behaving differently. Years and years of work and still I have much more to go.

        It is choices. You can learn. You have to want it.
        There is hope for you, just a little bit.
        I wish you luck in your journey and perhaps you will find someone that will help you as much as you helped me and I am sure, many others on your blog.

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      2. Obviously, I must have had a great session with my therapist yesterday. The things we tell them. I am much calmer today.

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  2. This is very similar to what I experienced last year at a football game with my ex? She figured out how much I enjoyed the sport and she said she did also. We liked opposing teams. I was very excited to be going and she seemed to also. I had figured out about a year ago that she didn’t seem to know as much as she let on, but of course I never questioned anything she said even if I knew she was lying. We enjoyed the first half then the mood changed. She was irritable and silent. I asked all the usual questions questions. “What’s wrong” “Did something happen?”. I couldn’t understand at the time what was happening. It was just another ruined day that ended up with me crying. We made up on the ride home and her team won. 😡
    I have read HG how you love to spoil birthdays and other events. Why did u decide in the above event to go along with the day and not spoil it? Does it just come down to how much FUEL you need at that given time? Was she just bored with my positive FUEL and needed to change it? Did she not feel anything at the game like you?
    Thanks and have a good night!

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    1. Which team do you support?
      Yes,it is all about the fuel and how the scenario develops. If I was a Lesser I would have spoilt that day as well most likely, but I saw further gains to be achieved through going along with it. In your example she will have been jealous that you were enjoying the game and therefore your attention was on the match (hey who’d have thought that would be the case hmm?) rather than being on here, hence the switch.

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      1. Good morning HG, my team is the Pittsburgh Steelers. I have loved going to the games and watching them since I was a child. Its a shame because I thought I had found someone to enjoy them with. Oh well, still looking forward to the season. Have you every seen a pro football game when they play in London?

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      2. Oh you mean American Football, not proper Football! No, I haven’t seen a pro game in London, I guess none of my victims have liked it so there was no point. I have seen games on television but it is so stop start I lose interest.

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  3. I don’t understand the football (American or European), but as a woman I can pretend to listen to the guy drone on about it if we’re watching the game together. I do that & he thinks I’m actively engaged in the very silly (well, I think it’s very silly) game he cares so much about, and then later I can say “I watched the game with you, NOW IT’S TIME TO DO SOMETHING I WANT”.

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  4. Narcassist are not the only ones that do this HG. You mimic emotion to fit in, others mimic also to fit in and to find a sense of belonging. I hope this makes some kind of sense to you? These last two posts have done a number on me today! I think a drink or two is in order right now! Good night everyone! Xxx

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  5. Wow, Narcissists have very good memories to remember all of this in order to resort back to the same gestures, expressions, ETC., later on. With BPD, people’s ‘sense of self’ is a bit lacking, so BPD’s also tend to feel detached, and they get their cues from others on how to act and behave socially. At least, this was true for me for a very long time…

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  6. HG. Any idea why he would ask me ‘who’s managing today, me or you?’ This was after further conversation about me blocking him. I asked why he doesn’t block me. He said because I would just email, phone, or stalk him. He has complained a lot lately over my contacting him-yet he always responds and our communication is a lot less now than it was during the golden period. I asked for him to explain his question but he refuses and has gone totally silent on me.

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    1. He is asserting control through his comment. He also demonstrates in a nutshell our hypocrisy (viewed from your perspective) but how it makes sense to us (from our perspective).
      He complains about you contacting him but then replies to you anyway. This seems hypocritical.
      From his perspective though the above sentence means this:-
      He is provoking you to gain fuel (by complaining). He is provoking you to gain fuel (by replying). Thus from his perspective it is consistent and makes sense.

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  7. Mr Tudor . I’m shocked !

    You’ve never been to a match at Wembley ? or touched the hallowed turf at Anfield? … Sacre bleu !!

    How odd though ..
    My first partner loved the footy so I loved it .
    Second loved rugby so I loved it too.
    With the third it was F1 .. Guess what. .. 🙂

    Ping pong, tiddlywinks, Aliens on Mars, whatever they enjoyed so did I ..

    Hope your travels are going well .

    Not So Sad . x

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    1. I’ve been to Wembley several times to watch national games and also various cup finals. I meant I had not been there to watch an American football game which are held there from time to time.

      I have been to Unfilled on several occasions as well.

      Just arrived in the second venue. Flesh pressing and warm smiles ahead.

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      1. Sorry HG.
        My misunderstanding .
        You can’t beat a good cup final at Wembley ! 🙂

        Cant say I’ve heard of Unfilled ( reminder to myself to Google it )

        Flesh pressing & warm smiles hey? Lot’s of fuel there for you .
        Little do they know .. Whatever it is Good Luck .

        NSS x

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    2. We all played along nicely with our then partners. Example, I dated a tennis pro, could not care less about tennis but I acted like I wanted to learn. He taught me and bought the cute little outfits for me to wear. (I did not care for tennis in high school, track was my forte.)

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