Why Not Let Me Go?



Image result for picture of a person chained 

It is a common question that is asked of me. Why don’t you and your kind just let us be once you have discarded us, why do you have to keep coming back to us, why apply all that effort in hoovering us when you can go and get somebody new and concentrate on them instead? Those are fair queries but they fail to understand the dynamic that is at work in respect of why we keep coming back to you. Here are the reasons why.


1.      Control. As I have explained previously, the Narcissistic Relationship lasts until either one of us dies. We need to remind you that you belong to us. We need to exert our rights under the Narcissistic Covenant and by hoovering you, this is the most blatant and effective way of doing so.

2.      Perspective. You are an extension of us. We attach you to us when we seduce you and suck the fuel from you. We do not truly discard you but instead there is a temporary cessation before we engage once again and continue to draw fuel from you. Since we do not regard you as a separate and distinct entity, but rather part of our powerful and far-reaching selves, we consider you to always be available and thus we keep hoovering you since in our minds you are part of us and thus within reach.

3.      Punishment. In some instances, which is dependent on the type of narcissist you are being punished for your transgressions against us. These transgressions may be numerous but most often they are to do with the fact that you escaped us and/or you failed to provide us with the necessary fuel when required. In order to demonstrate that we are superior to you, we deem it appropriate to punish you and thus you will be hoovered through malign follow up hoovers.

4.      Hoover fuel. This is the chief reason why we hoover. Hoover fuel is very potent, it is edifying and invigorating. Why is this? There is every likelihood that when we seek to hoover you post discard or post escape that you try to resist our overtures. This is because you have been devalued and abused, admittedly it is not always the case as some victims want us back regardless, but there are many who are at best reluctant and at worst determined to resist us. If we manage to draw a positive reaction from them or even a negative one, it reinforces our power over this person and causes the fuel to be even more powerful. If we manage to bring about the resumption of the Formal Relationship, then this is even better. We have emphasised just how much control we have over you and to have you return, either exhibiting joy, relief and thanks, the quality of this hoover fuel is impressive. Even if the victim provides no resistance to our hoover and willingly returns to us, pouring with positive fuel as we have allowed them back into our arms, the fact we know we can treat people the way that we do and they still want us and provide us with fuel results in potent hoover fuel for us as well. Knowing we can still evoke such emotion in people, after everything that we have done, laces the fuel with a particular power.

5.      Investment. You ought to be aware that we have invested our time and energy in you. This may well have been through the preparatory work that was engaged in when we targeted you, working out the relevant traits that you had which appeal to us, assessing your susceptibility to our seduction hoover and so forth. It also includes all of the effort that we put into your seduction and the devaluation thereafter. We know you. We know how you think, how you react, how you respond, how you act. We understand your mind. We know your strengths, your weaknesses, your vulnerabilities and your pressure points. We have ensured that you are attached to us, bound to us and functioning and therefore this solid and substantial investment in you is not just for an initial period of time. It is done so we can rely on this investment, time and time again in the future. We do not want to waste such a significant investment. This should enlighten you as to why it is just not easier to go and seduce somebody else. We have invested much in you and we want the return from our investment again and again and again. We will of course expend effort in securing new investment opportunities but we are not going to forgo previous investments as well.

6.      Compassion. Don’t get excited, I am not going to tell you that you can expect it, quite the opposite. Somebody other than us might decide that you have indeed had enough and move on and leave you alone. However, the fact that we lack compassion and remorse means that we see no reason to leave you alone. Your condition and state of mind are only relevant to us with regard to whether we can draw further fuel from you. We do not care that you are hurting, upset or that you are in pain.

7.      Entitlement. Our significant sense of entitlement means we can do as we please and naturally as someone who was once our primary source you are always going to be subject to the manifestation of this entitlement by us keeping coming back to you, subject of course to the conditions of the Hoover Trigger and the Hoover Execution Criteria which I have written about separately.

8.      Pleading. Do not think that pleading with us for relief, release and clemency will get you anywhere. Not only will this draw no response because of the lack of compassion as mentioned above but because you are providing us with fuel we will want more of it and therefore your pleading is something we want to see, but it will have no effect on us other than to make us want you to continue to plead and beg.

Thus there are several reasons why we will not leave you be and let you move on. We will not grant you the freedom. You have to secure it yourself.

170 thoughts on “Why Not Let Me Go?

  1. gr says:

    Right when I think I found a ray a hope, under those “thick clouds” (HG advise). Slowly I smile, before I have half a smile HG comes at me like “JK”. LOL thats so messed up but painfully true.

  2. gr says:

    I felt that… I always wondered about that. He would say “i was stupid, idiot, bithc, immature, not woman enough, weak.

    Listening to this broke my heart again. I told him “you said you only want sex. what you want is easy to get. You can find it in no time. You are a doctor, young and handsome.”

    HD, Listening to your videos hurt. The more i listen the more my heart breaks. But i need this.

  3. Sharon says:

    I keep trying to get out of this situation but he’s making it so hard. The manipulation is killing me. I wish you folks came with a warning sign

  4. Star says:

    What we need to understand, as hard as it is; is that a narcissists personality is ingrained within them. It is their personal wiring. Through therapy a narcissist can ” learn ” nicer kinder behaviour, but it’s mostly on a cognitive level. Yes with therapy they can perhaps feel more, identify with empathy, but only so much and so far on an emotional level and probably never in the same way we can. Asking a narcissist to change for love, for the good of him or herself is like us /others doing a complete 360 and changing our ways to act like a narcissist does. Sure we could do it.. to an extent.. but for most of us our conscious would get to us and our guilt would get to us.. we couldn’t sustain it for long. It is what it is…..we all are who we are..it’s harsh, but it’s the reality.

  5. B says:

    HG, you have wrote on the power of music and how your kind will use it to your advantage. It is true how we relate so much to music. I heard this song the other day, but on this day I didn’t just know the lyrics… I understood them and felt them as I thought of you and your kind. Thought I would share it with you and anyone who can relate. This is the lyrics version, but the actual video of this song is quite interesting to say the least.


    1. HG Tudor says:

      Thank you B. That’s a jolly tune isn’t it?

      1. B says:

        I guess that all depends on one’s definition of jolly. Sometimes “jolly” isn’t what it appears to be.

  6. Liz says:

    Hi Indy and HG,

    Indy, I completely agree with you. I truly feel that because of this site, I have made significant gains in overcoming the narcissist that I was involved with. Although it has been hard, I am so much more at ease now. Just up until a month ago, I felt angry, confused, sick, worried, anxious. Although at times I still feel those emotions, it is getting better after learning what the man I was involved with truly is. So HG, I have you to thank for your insight and sharing your knowledge. I hope you are aware of how you are helping people.

    HG, you were right — he did hoover me. I received an email today from him. In typical narcissist fashion, he told me that he had begun making changes in his life and wants to talk to me. He also tried to guilt me and said that I obviously don’t care of him like how he cares for me because I completely blocked him out of my life. He said he was angry but still wished me well. I am so glad that now that I know who and what he is, I can begin to move on with my life. He said he would never contact me again, and I hope that he means it.

    HG, when a mid-range narcissist says that he loves you, does he actually believe it? Since he is unaware of his disorder, does that person then believe that what they feel is love, without being aware that it is your fuel that he loves? When I would tell him he did not love me and just loved the way I made him feel, he would get angry and ask me how I could even say that. He seemed so real in his response, that I am just really curious to know if he believes the bs that comes out of his mouth himself.

    Thanks again, HG.


    p.s. – I read your article on online dating! Scary sh*t! Maybe I won’t go online afterall!

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Hello Liz, thank you for the update on your position. How did you respond to his e-mail, did you answer it? He did not mean it when he said he would never contact you again, that was a pity play to try to get to you to respond and also to try and lull you into a false sense of security.

      Yes the Mid-Range does believe it when he says that he loves you. Yes he is also unaware that it is your fuel that he loves.
      I am pleased you found the online dating article interesting!

      1. Liz says:

        Hi HG,

        I did not reply to his email. A few days later, he left me a message on my phone and seemed angry and frustrated. He said he just wants to talk to me for “2 minutes”. I guess 2 minutes is enough to hoover me…or I should say WAS enough time to hoover me. I did not respond to that message either. He then left another voice message asking for me to acknowledge that I’ve received his messages, emails, texts, etc. I was nervous that he was going to show up at my house, so I did email him this time. My response was:

        This is my acknowledgement that I have received your messages. I have told you before, I do not want to be in contact with you any more. There is nothing to be said, and there is nothing to talk about. I want to move on with my life, and I hope that you can respect that by not contacting me any longer. I wish you well.

        He then replied to this email and said that things were over between him and his wife, and all that needs to be done is for her to settle on a place (pretty much the exact same situation we were in before!). He said that everything between us was a lie — that I never did love him, and I never wanted to be with him. Ironically, it was all a lie, but not on my part. He ended the email saying that he felt like a fool for ever believing anything I ever said to him. I did not reply to this email. Since then, I have not heard from him.

        HG, I have a few questions for you in regards to a mid-range cerebral narcissist:

        1. Do they stay with their spouses for their child or for the fuel? Do they ever leave?
        2. Do they love their children?
        3. When he said in his email that he believes that I lied to him (that I never loved him or never wanted to be with him), does he actually believe this, or is that all part of his manipulation?
        4. Is narcissism a mental health issue, just like depression, bi-polar, etc.?
        Is there any way I could help him without being involved with him (tell him to try speaking to a professional, for example?). Yes I know – this is the super empath in me speaking.
        5. What would be the reason why a mid-range is insistent on having their child in an excessive amount of extra-curricular activities?
        6. The Narc I was involve with told me that when he was younger, he would have a one-night stand with one woman in particular. He would often cancel on her after he did things on his own (if you get my drift). I asked him why he would do this and he said he didn’t know. The only conclusion that he could draw was that he was not in love with this woman, and didn’t really respect her as she gave sex away easily.
        7. The sexual chemistry between us was really good. Was this a lie too?
        8. Is there any hope of him changing?
        9. If I am looking out for myself, is the best option just to have no contact?

        Thanks in advance for answering all these questions. I often wonder how you ever sleep!

        By the way, I read “Fuel” and it totally resonated with me — not all parts but many. It’s scary to know that the behaviour of these kinds of people are so similar.

        Thanks HG!


        1. HG Tudor says:

          Hi Liz,
          1. For the fuel. Yes they may well leave but it tends to be more for the purposes of a silent treatment.
          2. Their love the fuel they obtain from their children.
          3. He believes it.
          4. It is a personality disorder. I would not put it in the same bracket as depression.
          5. The insistence may be to draw a reaction from the other parent (“you are making him/her do too much”) to draw fuel and/or it may be so that the child makes many achievements so that the narcissist gains fuel and traits vicariously.
          6. The reason he did this was for fuel. He held her in contempt and his behaviour evidenced this.
          7. The chemistry from you to him was real, albeit founded on a lie. His chemistry was the attraction to your fuel and not him.
          8. No.
          9. Yes.

          Thanks for reading Fuel. I suggest you also read Devil’s Toolkit, Sex and the Narcissist and Black Flag as well in order to assist your understanding.

  7. Liz says:

    Hi HG,

    Is it possible for a narcissist, through therapy and couselling, to overcome being a narcissist? I wonder for a lesser or a mid-range, if this would be more likely. Also, can narcissists have an “epiphany” and recognize who and what they are? Would they want to seek help to change their life?

    The narcissist I was involved with has now changed his status back to the way he initially had it (you can no longer see when he was last online). Would you say that this is yet another mind game? Or he has put this past him? Unfortunately, if this is a game to him, I am playing right into it.

    Thanks HG


    1. HG Tudor says:

      Hello Liz,

      Well this is what the hope is for me through subjecting me to therapy. I will keep you posted as to how this progresses.
      I think there is no hope for a Lesser because they lack any insight into what they are and would react badly to suggestions that there is something wrong with them.
      A Mid-Range also has no insight into his disorder but has an awareness that he “needs” certain things. He might be amenable to altering certain behaviours which are symptomatic of his disorder but I could not see the root disorder being overcome. He is less aggressive and therefore may be more manageable.
      My kind would only go along with therapy in order to secure some kind of outcome for themselves and would remain resistant to change even though we would feign there has been change.
      I do not see there would be an epiphany and nor would they genuinely want help.
      Yes he is playing games. Remain vigilant.

      1. Indy says:

        Hi Liz and HG,
        Liz, you ask great questions, ones I think about too. I actually hope it is possible but, then again, I’m imposing my desires on another person that may not wish it.

        HG, I admire your honesty about feigning change (and saddened truthfully, though not surprised given what you teach us here) and wonder if you may be changing despite your wishes/determination to not change.

        “My kind would only go along with the spy in order to secure some kind of outcome for themselves” …..well, hopefully this is the idea in therapy. It is supposed to be for you….though I know you were pressured to do it, and it likely feels like it’s for everyone else….though it ideally is for you. You wouldn’t have written those amazing books, would you? You wouldn’t have impacted people in this way around the world otherwise, right? You wouldn’t be here teaching us, would you, if it weren’t for therapy, right? Ok, ok, we are no bed of roses but you are among those that listen and respect your view…,that’s kinda nice, right?

        Well, I took a shot, I feel through my Spidy senses that it is not gonna fly . Does it at least serve as a barter for you writing my dating profile when I’m ready 😉 I’ll throw in some compliments, real ones, really….Can’t sleep, thought I’d cause trouble here.

        1. HG Tudor says:

          I do appreciate that people read and respect what I do, yes. I would be happy to write your dating profile Indy when you are ready to do so. I should not imagine that you would have much of a problem in attracting people and this time you know how to spot the dangerous ones.

          1. Indy says:

            Most grateful, bows. And, all that stuff I wrote up there, compliments and such……..it’s true.

          2. Indy says:

            Do you think I could spot a talented elite? Early?

          3. HG Tudor says:

            Yes if you apply what you read here and even more so if you digest and apply the forthcoming book, “How to Flush Out a Narc”

          4. Indy says:

            Well…….get writing!!!!!! I have lost count on how many books I’m keeping my eyes peeled for 😊

          5. HG Tudor says:

            That naughty step is looking at you Indy!

          6. Indy says:

            Moi? ***hand to chest, feigned shock****

          7. HG Tudor says:

            You sound like one of us now, Indy!

          8. Indy says:

            I learned from the best😉

          9. HG Tudor says:

            You sure did.

          10. Indy says:

            HG, Crazy how things happen…..I just heard on a public radio program the story of Dr James Fallon, a neuroscientist that also has sociopathy (he labels it as psychopath but he sounds like a narcicist) have you heard of him? If not, here is a link about him. Facinating!

          11. HG Tudor says:

            Thank you for that Indy, I did have a read, quite interesting. I had not heard of him.

          12. Indy says:

            Sitting on naughty step. Reviewing my sins while I reread Evil.📚 Might I add, you look smashing today, blue suits you.

      2. Liz says:

        Hi HG,

        Your response surprised me. I thought for sure that the lesser would be more responsive to therapy than a greater, given that the greater is aware of who and what they are. I think it’s commendable that you are in therapy, and I hope that it serves as valuable to you. The mid-range narcissist that I was involved with had a traumatic experience as a child and I believe that some of his narcissistic traits are related to this. As much as he has hurt me, I do hope for his sake, and his daughter’s sake, that he can somehow overcome this – although I am doubtful. Given that are situation was so dysfunctional (he is married), I told him that I wanted to go to couples counselling if we were together one day. He told me not even to ask him because he would never go. I guess when it comes to his own self-improvement, he would have the same response.

        Do you believe that most narcissists have troubling pasts? Or that they grew up with some trauma? I do believe that people are born with a blank slate (for the most part, not including genetic disorders), so what creates or makes a narcissist?

        I saw that you have a book in paper back now. I plan on reading it. There has been no greater challenge I’ve faced before than trying to get the narcissist out of my head. I still feel so terrible for not having him in my life and the sequence of events plays over and over again. I just want to move on from it and shut it off.



        1. HG Tudor says:

          Hi Liz,

          1. The Lesser has no insight therefore he does not need therapy, sees no reason to engage with it and indeed treats any such suggestion as a criticism. The Greater may well engage as part of the more extensive game-playing that we engage in.
          2. Your comments about your narcissist are typically empathic.
          3. His response to the suggestion of counselling is typical of his kind.
          4. The prevailing view I have encountered that yes, our kind have had troubling pasts and trauma. In terms of what creates a narcissist, the forthcoming book Little Boy Lost: The Creation of a Narcissist provides my experience.
          5. Yes, there are several of the books in paperback now – Escape, No Contact, Sitting Target, Sex and the Narcissist, Revenge, Fuel, Ask the Narcissist and Exorcism. More will follow.
          Thank you for reading.

  8. Liz says:

    Hi HG,

    I read your article and checked off essentially every reason as to why I believe my Narc hoovered me in the past. I tried several times to get out of it, but he always reached out to me, and I was sucked back in.

    It has been exactly 5 weeks since I last saw and spoke to the Narc that I was involved with (a married man who I was with for a year). I told him that I did not believe he was going to leave and that I needed to move on with my life. So far he has not reached out to me since then. But as I mentioned in my other post to you, he has now made his last seen status available on the text message app that he used primarily for me.

    Once during our “relationship” (I use that term lightly now, as I’ve realized we never had a real relationship), we got into a huge argument. He stormed out of my house, and I called him later and told him that he didn’t need to come back. We ended up speaking about two weeks later and I asked him if he slept with his wife. He told me that he did because after believing that we were no longer together, he put himself in the mind space that he had to make it work at home. He said that they spoke to each other about trying to make things work. She apparently came onto him, and he responded to her advancement because he he was going to make it work for the sake of his daughter (all his words). I was devastated and felt betrayed (yes, I know I was the other woman and she truly is the one who was betrayed). He told me he felt disgusted with himself and wished it never happened. He said that as much as he regrets what he did because of how it hurt me, he equally regrets how he hurt her and gave her false hope. He said the next night, he was back sleeping in the spare bedroom. She was extremely upset because he didn’t try to make their family work. I believed that he was just a wreck and was making irrational decisions because he did not know how to handle the situation. Do you believe that he did this to control me and to control her, and to hurt both of us? They have such a dysfunctional relationship, and I am wondering if he is gaining negative fuel from her, or seeking positive. A large part of me believes that he worries too much about his ego being bruised and will not hoover me anymore. The other part thinks that he is waiting for my recovery and will then strike for more fuel. Do you believe he has finally moved on from hoovering me for good, and will just seek fuel elsewhere in the future?

    I read your article on the mid-range narcissist, and I do think that this is the category that he falls into. I am avoiding all the spheres of influence so that he does not hoover me again. I honestly don’t think that I can mentally take being hoovered for the umpteenth time. He has damaged me so much, that I have actually had to seek professional help. Several months ago, he found out I was seeing a counselor and he told me he did not like it. When I asked him why, he said he did not know.

    Thanks for your thoughts, HG.


    1. HG Tudor says:

      Yes, everything he did was all part of the manipulation. He was ping ponging between you and her, drawing fuel from you both as he triangulated her with you (she may not have known about you) but he told you about her in order to provoke reactions from you.
      He has not moved on from hoovering you, we never do. If there is a Hoover Trigger and the Hoover Execution Criteria are met, the hoover will follow. You need to remain vigilant and as you write you are keeping out of the spheres of influence.

      1. Julia says:

        What are these spheres of influence & hoover criteria Mr.T?
        Btw…I sent that email to you & appreciate it so much that I could write to you.

        1. HG Tudor says:

          I ain’t getting on no aeroplane, Murdoch, you crazy fool!

          Sorry, don’t know what came over me there.

          With regard to the spheres of influence and the hoover criteria, if you read Spheres of Influence and Hoover Time !Sphere One, which you will find not he blog that will explain it for you. You should also look out for “Will He Hoover Me?” which should be available later this week.

          You are most welcome.

  9. 217halos says:

    Thank you for the answers that I knew that I wouldn’t otherwise get. I was tossisng around the idea of asking him.to let me go, but now I know that it will not work. I am going to have to find a way to do it myself.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      You are welcome 217 and your assessment is entirely correct.

  10. Indy says:

    Love the song, B! Perfect place and time. Rock on, girl (or dude?)

    1. B says:

      Lol thanks Indy! Love Volbeat and their unique sound. You got it right… rocker girl 😆✌

  11. Then its settled… HG is without a doubt the most tantalizingly, seductive, deliciously well written and master narcissist with a heart.
    Because if you are a narc with a heart I have found my match…

    HG, can we write a story together with a happy ending now?

    1. HG Tudor says:

      But of course. I shall let you prepare a synopsis for consideration.

      1. SA says:

        wow HG cheating already? I love it so.

        1. HG Tudor says:

          It is called delegation.

      2. Okay, I am getting too distracted at work… I will write this when you are sleeping… you can choose to post it or not when you wake.

      3. Okay, I have written about 5 different synopsis and even have one saved in draft that I was going to email you… It seems the more I write the more personal I become with you and more descriptive…so here is the short and I think that you can agree that this is what we both want:

        *Optional for you to post*

        Girl meets boy but not by chance, she was supposed to learn from her choices in men but instead falls in love with the exquisite author of the blog she frequents. He peaks her curiosity and sides, his kind is all shes ever known. The use of his words is like music to her eyes, it brings her minds imagination to life and again she knows exactly what he is, she knows every move he’ll make, every stabbing word he’ll say and would even fall for it all (knowingly) and reciprocate with her true emotions or to him fuel. She realizes that love is only a word and we all feel as we see fit… she is love and really needs no one else BUT everyone needs human touch and intimate interaction… He needs fuel and she is an infinite volcano of golden, sweet fuel…
        Good and Evil coming together could be a perfect union… balancing each other out even ruling the world. Will it be enough for the evil to survive or will he destroy her?

        1. HG Tudor says:

          Excellent and how apt! That certainly gives me plenty to work with, thank you.

          1. I could have written a ride off into the sunset, happily ever after ending but we both know the truth… We make a euphoric union but it takes two to make it work and one of us may give up… Or not.

        2. B says:

          Love the beauty in your writting DC. I believe in the power of balance as well. I am sure this will provide good fuel with comments to follow 😉

          1. Thank you B, I could have really gone on and made it so much more interesting but short and sweet gets her done! 😉

    2. SA says:

      Get in line Biactch> Love ya!!!!! Ten wives.

      1. Ha ha ha…SA I am okay sharing with you but you won’t mind if I distract you and glide to the front! 😉

        1. SA says:

          Good luck with that. I will share my self imposed position as everyone will get knock off the top spot if you are greedy. Pigs get fat, hogs get slaughtered. >

          1. Meow…. so sassy! I will just stand back and watch everyone fight… maybe through some oil in there… a little mud! “I’m taking bets on the winner” 😀

  12. B says:

    I really should read more comments on these blogs. I am amused by this entertainment displayed. Will give me something to do while I’m grounded to the silent treatment 😁

    1. Lol B! There you go… That’s where I was when receiving the silent treatment! My fun time!!! <3

      1. B says:

        Yes DC, I can say that this is most definitely keeping my mind occupied! I have always been fascinated in observing the personality traits of others. There are many here to observe and some I can relate to, but for some reason this song keeps playing in my mind as I read some of these comments. If you can get past my music selection (I know it’s not for everyone) and hear the lyrics it is quite fitting lol. I should mention that I do mean this in the most loving and fun way lol 😊


        I hope I did this right. I’m not very knowledgeable on this blogging thing lol.

        1. 🙂 Oooh I love people watching! Yes, the song is very fitting! 😉

    2. #CJ7# says:

      Lmfao that made me laugh B…. while im grouded to the silent treatment!! Hahahaha Thanks B!!!! 😉

      1. B says:

        You are most welcome CJ7. It is the punishment given when I misbehave. My mouth can’t seem to keep me out of trouble. I guess some things never change as we get older 😉

  13. SA maybe she likes the pain…. but you do have much going for you… so it seems your color is green but not with envy! 😉

    1. Blood, the only thing that sets him apart is his writing… He is the exact same as the other narcs in his level. All narcs attend the same school… It’s all EXACTLY the same treatment, words, actions and so forth. It really astounds me thinking that two narcs from across the world, that have never met can behave as if they are one.
      Think of it this way, they are all computers running off of one single server. It’s mind boggling and that just gave me an idea for a story…

      1. Not only his writing, but the fact that he is so aware of what he is and why he operates the way he does. Most are not.

        It is true all Narcs attend the same school and the words, etc are all the same, but HGs approach and willingness to help all of you is rare. And unique. And awesome.

        If there were someone better than HG or more interesting or more provocative, I would go elsewhere. So would most of the people on this blog.

        He`s got IT. All of IT.

        1. Have you read all the way back to his first post? He has been threatened with having something taken away… this is the result. DO NOT get me wrong, I appreciate him immensely and I myself am totally in love with how beautiful and tantalizing his writing is but to think he really has OUR best interest out of the kindness of his heart is preposterous. If that were true then I could totally be blindly in love with him myself… That is his facade… you can be his flying monkey and I will oblige BUT ONLY because I do find this character (HG) to be quiet mysterious and alluring… and not quite like the rest but definitely like the rest.

          *In saying all of this I would like to tip my hat and say THANK YOU to HG because I DO know that he doesn’t have to be as active as he is nor as respectful. AND I know all to well how busy a narc likes to be so this must take away from his game of cat and mouse…. (physically, not virtually)

          1. SA says:

            Beautiful!!! I concur. Except I do not want to be a flying monkey. But I will be his Huckleberry. >

      2. #CJ7# says:

        EXACTLY the point I attempted to make not so long ago…. People are falling for the illusion that this man’s fantastic writting is creating when he is exactly like the rest of them…. them being the Other narcs. Same school, same all….. Thank you DC for writing this!!!

        1. 🙂 You are welcome CJ7, it is all an illusion. If we all sat down with a professional sketch artist and a transcriber I bet each of us have a different idea of what HG looks like… and also our ideas of how we really perceive him to be. I can give you one solid thought on his looks and I can give you two ways I would describe how he really is… the way I WANT to perceive him and the way I KNOW he really is. That is the empath in me battling with the bitch in me… The bitch is of course smarter when it comes to reading people but the empath is who I am.

  14. SA says:

    I have a very special label for you B&T.
    I am not trying to figure you out as I can see you are a cling on.

    1. SA says:

      You know I want to love you B&T but I have only room for one Narc at a time. Today is not your day.

      1. Isn’t HG the lucky one.

        1. SA says:

          I can not speak for him. Nor would I attempt to do so. >

          1. It is good that you know your place.

          2. SA says:

            Yes B&T I do know my place. Do you?

          3. I sure do. My place is where ever I say it is.

          4. SA says:

            There ya go. The badass right there.

      2. I`m the one with the brown nose…..says the woman who felt the need to say she only has room for one Narc at a time (not me) and refers to HG as the original badass, which isn`t something that even needs to be confirmed because no one is challenging that.

        SMH indeed.

    2. And I would be lying if I said I gave a flying monkey about what you think of me.

      Why do you feel the need to be so antagonistic with me SA? I have done nothing to warrant your scorn. In fact I try not to interact with you because I just do not see the point.

      In case you have not noticed everything HG is doing here is rare and unheard of which is but one of a myriad of reasons why he is so unique and brilliant.

      I never said I was a badass. I am who I am and that is that.

      Now you should probably go change SA because green is not your colour.

      1. SA says:

        Now you are torturing animals? Frying monkeys? Then do not interact with me. I am not twisting your arm, although it seems you would like it, to read what I post. Have you not been on youtube lately, there are many people out there doing what HG is doing just not as well. You do claim to be a badass, look at ALL of what you have posted. Actually green is my favorite color. And my dear, I envy no one if this was your sentiment . Trust me on this one. I am White, Rich, Intelligant and Beautiful. Sucks to be me. lol >

        1. If you say so. It is interesting you value your whiteness.

          Too bad you are not literate though as I wrote flying not frying.

          1. SA says:

            I do value my myself. Everyone should. Do I have to be of another color to be valued?
            I did misread what was written but this only proves that multitasking is not productive. Studies have been conducted on multitasking and the conclusion is sometime will not get your full attention and in this case it was you.
            It seems frying monkeys works for you.

          2. Au contraire. Multitasking is incredibly productive – just look at how bloody brilliant and productive HG is.

            He multitasks all day long as far as I can tell.

            Having any of your attention isn’t much of a preoccupation of mine, since when I do have it, you tend to just project all your insecurities and inadequacies on me and I find it quite yucky.

            And yet, for someone who claims not to pay attention to me, you are always so quick to jump all over everything I say. B&T makes a comment and out come the high-school style insults and feigned bravado.


          3. SA says:

            Check yourself. I think your nose is very brown.
            You need to research multitasking. SMH

        2. And if those people are not doing it as well then they are not doing what HG is doing.

          I think everyone here would agree he is in a league all his own.

          1. SA says:

            In my opinion they are not presenting information in the way HG does. I prefer his writing and voice over others. I have respect for what HG is doing and he knows this as I have expressed my gratitude more then once.
            We agree on this B&T.

  15. You narcs are a little full of yourselves, your grips are not strong enough….keep hitting the gym!

    1. HG Tudor says:

      I’m squeezing hard dc79 !

      1. Not hard enough… I can’t feel your grip yet!

        1. HG Tudor says:

          All in good time DC.

          1. We shall see HG, challenge accepted.

          2. HG Tudor says:


          3. Your response seems so bland… can I have a picture showing your delight or something more exciting?

          4. HG Tudor says:

            Very well, think firing up the Death Star to annihilate a planet.

          5. SA says:

            Calm down. I have to much to do yet so no annihilation of the planet. I have places to go, people to see and things to do. >

          6. HG Tudor says:

            I was equating the sense of power for DC’s benefit, SA, I am not in the destroyer of worlds mode at present. Besides some pesky farmhand may just show up and fire a photon torpedo down an exhaust shaft and no that was not a euphemism for anything else.

          7. SA says:

            too much to do. Sorry typo >

          8. SA says:

            You know I love it here. You know I love the humor and yes even B&T’s smoke blowing. No NARC compliments another Narc. >

          9. HG Tudor says:

            Of course they will if it serves a purpose. The means justifies the end.

          10. SA says:

            I thought Narcs want all the glory and will not like to see anyone else get it.
            I would not be on a site of another Narc praising them. I would have a blog of my own, and I would only be here to steal the followers. It is my understanding on how a high-level Narc would behave.
            My apologies for the ignorance of this topic. I stand corrected.
            Blow away. I will make sure I wear a gas mask so I can breathe with the amount of smoke that this creates.

          11. HG Tudor says:

            We do not like others to get all the glory and it irks us when somebody else does, but if we decide to offer a compliment or praise (and this usually comes from the Mid Range and the Greater) even if it might be to another of our kind, it is done because there is an ulterior motive on our part, hence I have no difficulty in offering a compliment to one of my kind since it will serve my purposes. Of course in terms of compliments to one who is not of our kind as you know, this is done repeatedly because it is the love-bombing. The jealousy and envy are kept under control during the seduction for the greater gain.

          12. SA says:

            Is the farmhand’s name Henry? I shudder.

          13. Oh HG, I do love Star Wars but my dear, we both know how this ends… You better think of something more creative.

          14. HG Tudor says:

            Hey if there can be three death stars, my analogy works!

          15. Not with me but I’m definitely not the planet you are in search of… but I can be your space and time…

      2. SA says:

        Obviously not hard enough HG.
        Very kind of you to share your space with another Narc. Unheard of really. I think someone is an imposter, pretending to be badass. But we all know there is only one BADASS. His is known as HG Tudor.

    2. #CJ7# says:


  16. SA says:

    WTF a word salad between two Narcs? Seems like a bit of smoke blowing here.

    1. Ha ha ha…. how is the fuel tasting between the two of you?

    2. It is called a conversation SA. Maybe you could have one if you stopped being so antagonistic and confrontational for no reason.

    3. #CJ7# says:

      Well said!!

  17. A number of reasons why you will not let go and a number of reasons the victim finds it hard to let go and break free.

    What a perfect storm. And you HG are the devastating eye.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Marvellously put B and T.

      1. I see you at the centre while the chaos storms and swirls all about you.

        Master of your domain. Completely in control while everything around you is out of control.

        Completely in your element. As you should be.

        It is beautiful.

        1. HG Tudor says:

          I am beholden to the element.

      2. I understand completely. You deserve the element and all that comes with it.

        One must be when the element is so rare and nearly impossible to find.

        Hold on HG and do not let go.

        1. HG Tudor says:

          Oh I shall B and T, most definitely. Once I have something in my grip, it stays gripped.

          1. If I was anyone else that might sound menacing. But since I am me it is nothing but beautiful.

            I bet your grip is good and strong. Maybe even a little painful. How thrilling…..

          2. HG Tudor says:

            It is fully intended the conviction that I have in my choice.

          3. Again I understand exactly.

            And I know you are a man of conviction. As I am a woman of conviction.

    2. SA says:

      Are you not a master Narc too B and T?

      1. You seem to really like labels SA and you have been trying to figure me out for a while now.

        I am what I am. I detest labels. My label does not define me. I define it.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Thank you for that, I shall await its manifestation with considerable interest.

      1. SA says:

        Are you addressing me?

        Black Widow

        1. HG Tudor says:

          Indeed I am.

          1. SA says:

            Good Afternoon to you. >

          2. HG Tudor says:

            And good evening to you.

      2. SA says:

        Can you swim across the POND Mr. Scorpion? This little frog knows what you do so you can not catch a ride on my back.

        1. HG Tudor says:

          I prefer to have somebody carry me across.

          1. SA says:

            Why don’t you just split the sea? >

          2. HG Tudor says:

            I will as soon as i perceive that it is criticising me.

          3. SA says:

            Good to know. I will make sure this never happens. I am the Sea whisperer. >

          4. HG Tudor says:

            As in spray that again?

          5. SA says:

            Oh yeah! Please do.

          6. SA says:


          7. HG Tudor says:

            I think you meant write.

          8. SA says:

            No I meant exactly what I typed. i LOVE CAPS ( capital letters)

      3. SA, we can wait at the shore for HG… This could be fun!

        1. HG Tudor says:

          You will now I am coming by the pillar of fire.

          1. So would that be anger or passion? Ha

  18. quick question!
    Still on this Hoover – got ignored today .. pissed off I was even entertaining a conversation. she kept saying she changed and loves me .. blah blah and I didn’t believe it but I wanted her to see how she hasn’t…
    And then all the sudden I got the silent treatment. I emailed her and asked if she got the message ? no reply. Few hours later when the day is nearly over I was like ah! I know. This’ll get her (lied)

    I emailed “hurry up! Im exude found something when unpacking !

    So here is my question – now that I have the control back.. I’m either going to get her to accept my fb friend request and post on her fb (I am 99% sure she’s got a source) to piss her source off so she has to deal with that.. Then tell her about how she has not changed at all… Then go no contact again

    Or do I just let her ponder what that something is and go no contact without a word ?

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Go NC with out saying anything. Get a head start.

  19. “Keep a straight bat.” Thank you, HG. I’m weathering the fury and devouring your feedback, blogs, and books-All in the name of protecting the little person who matters the most in this ordeal.

  20. marijo1245 says:

    I always figured if I ever wanted to truly leave Himself, I would have to completely dissappear without a trace. I submitted to captivity and am trying to learn how to live with…still, almost thirteen years later.

  21. Rainbow says:

    I watched Sleeping With the Enemy last night. Hadn’t seen it for years. Now I understand why Martin (Patrick Bergin) behaves as he does. I think he plays it well, he’s got a menacing presence and a chilling scary stare (I’m glad I’ve never witnessed yours HG). However Laura (Julia Roberts) seems to jump into a new relationship far too quickly in my opinion. Ben seems to show signs of love bombing and Intel gathering way too soon. I felt like shouting, “Noooo Julia, slow it down and check out the red flags first! Out of the frying pan into the fire! These Narcopaths can sense when you’re vulnerable and have danced with one of their kind! Especially with that beautiful smile of yours, it must be top notch positive fuel to be on the receiving end of that!”
    When Martin finds where she has escaped to, she realises that their marriage really did mean “Til death do us part”. He made it clear he was never ever going to let her go. So she had to kill him. The end. She then goes off into the sunset with another potential abuser whose mask hasn’t slipped yet, although we’re meant to see it as a happy ending. Maybe I’m being bitter and cynical. Or maybe I’m being realistic. Perhaps there should be a sequel…

    1. HG Tudor says:

      I must admit Rainbow I always enjoy reading when somebody dissects a film or book and identifies our kind, especially when popular thinking sees our kind as something else. Thank you for your post.

      1. Rainbow says:

        HG I would love to read your thoughts on Sleeping With the Enemy. I am only able to look at it from my current perspective due to your blog and books. Must say Martin chooses rather scary sounding ever presence music for her to associate with sex. I’m sure your choice would be a lot more seductive and tasteful…well actually of course it would be classed as tasteful according to your target, as you would have chosen what she enjoyed. The sex looks like she must be in the devaluation period, hence her gritty determination to plan and execute an escape. Mind you, even if the sex was golden period mindblowing I think I’d have to do a runner to escape that dodgy ‘tache …

        1. HG Tudor says:

          Hello Rainbow, when I happen to watch it, I shall give you my opinion and thank you for yours. I do not have a dodgy ‘tache, so you can relax on that front.

      2. Rainbow says:

        HG I would love to read your thoughts on Sleeping With the Enemy if you get chance to watch it, however I appreciate you have more pressing concerns to attend to. I am only able to look at it from my current perspective due to your blog and books. Must say Martin chooses rather scary sounding ever presence music for her to associate with sex. I’m sure your choice would be a lot more seductive and tasteful…well actually of course it would be classed as tasteful according to your target, as you would have chosen what she enjoyed. The sex looks like she must be in the devaluation period, hence her gritty determination to plan and execute an escape. Mind you, even if the sex was golden period mindblowing I think I’d have to do a runner to escape that dodgy ‘tache …

        1. HG Tudor says:

          Hello Rainbow, when I happen to watch it, I will let you have my opinion and thank you for sharing yours. I do not have a dodgy ‘tache so you can relax on that front.

  22. Indy says:

    Humming “Never Let You Go” by Third Eye Blind
    “I remember the stupid things
    The mood rings, the bracelets and the beads
    Nickels and dimes, yours and mine
    Did you cash in all your dreams
    You don’t dream for me no, you don’t dream for me “

  23. Indy says:

    Hi HG, As usual, this is informative and helps those of us that wishes for more understanding of a narcicists perspective. With this said, I wish to humbly add that I take some issue with number 1. I know this is from a narcicists perspective, though control can never be had completely over another being. Thus, if I decide to escape a narcicist relationship and disappear off the map then there is no further control.

    I actually escaped a past a abusive relationship (when I was 18) for the sake of my newborn son and because I was stalked in a small town, I disappeared into a city with my child. No regrets. No one except. Y parents knew where I was, including my best friend. I then CHOSE to reintroduce my son to the ex when my son hit adulthood and could make up his own mind. I chose to never speak badly about his father as I knew the reunion was a possibility, if my son needed this. Interestingly, my now 27 year old son came to the same conclusion on his own.

    I know How to disappear when needed and my ex never found me. Children come first, always.

  24. HG…what does this mean?

    ” Compassion. Somebody other than us might decide that you have indeed had enough and move on and leave you alone.”

    1. HG Tudor says:

      It means that someone who is unpleasant to you, but is not one of our kind, may decide you have had enough and thus leave you alone, because their motivations for what they do are different.

  25. If it was true love, these words of Forever would be too wonderful.

  26. RMG says:

    Well f@@k me running, yet I do understand the reasoning behind this.
    Well let the games continue. I am well aware now, thank you HG, yet because of the way the dance was before he may just enjoy this challenge, if he so decides to engage again.

  27. Starr says:

    Wouldn’t it be nice to come home to a loving wife at the end of the day to always have someone by your side to be there for you . You could have a life partner and you would make a great team . Love and having that ONE person to always be there for you is the best feeling in the world . It feels better than manipulating and hurting others . I wish you could have real love in your life and real love within yourself . It is truly wonderful . I understand narcissist feel superior and like a god but I have also read that they have low self esteem and hate themselves and feel as though they are not worthy of love . It’s quite contradictory.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Hello Starr, I am not interested in nice. I am interested in fuel. That is what matters to me. If I was something else, designed differently then what you describe to me there may well appeal. My team is one where I am given fuel and in return I light up somebody’s life. Please understand I do not manipulate and hurt people for the sake of it, I do it because I have to in order to gain fuel. If I stopped, it would adversely affect me.
      Your sentiments though are appreciated and as for real love, well, it appears this is part of what the good doctors are trying to instil.

      1. Starr says:

        You have people who care about you even knowing what you are . Maybe they can be the rare ones exempt from the manipulations and harm . In an alternate universe For example I’m an empath . Now if I lived in a world where 90 percent of the population were sociopaths and I found that one sociopath who said I don’t care that you are different I will not judge you and still be there for you than that would be the one sociopath I wouldn’t Push away . So I guess what I’m saying is can you make an exception not to hurt someone who knows the real you behind the mask and still will not judge you and be there for you ? It seems that even when I try to put myself in your shoes im still left with questions and I wonder if you want to be somewhat normal .

  28. SII says:

    A question for you. Given your age, I am sure life has you attached to countless old and new appliances. I would like to know how you stay organized in your brain. Your whole being right now is your brain. I no this I am/was this.
    Does fuel stop you from becoming overwhelmed in brain activity. I am trying to word this, how you might perceive, as to much congestion in a brain. Does fuel allow you to stay vocused and to work your brain like a filing cabinet through the day?
    What happens to you when the brain activity or brain storage needs expansion?
    I think of all the appliances stored in there with everything else you do all day and many normals I believe would crash and burn.
    I know you keep lots of notes that keep you organized. Like any computer with tons used up storage it starts to break down, needs repair and just stops working great.
    Does fuel allow organized filing cabinets with expansion when needed. Do break downs Never occur in your brain, even privately? Would a break down likely release the creature?
    It’s an odd question but very important.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Hello SII,
      Fuel powers me. It drives me, it makes me shine and be brilliant so I can gain more fuel. It edifies me so I can go about my day, my work, my socialising, my sport, my writing in an effective fashion.
      I have not reached a point where there are too many appliances for me to handle. I believe it is self-regulating in the sense that as the fuel levels increase, I feel less need to turn to those appliances and it is only as fuel levels wane that I find I have the need to do so. Of course, keeping a handle on the various appliances and my interaction is possible given the higher functioning brain that I have.
      Yes normal would crash and burn under the level of activity and organisation, which is why I am different and superior.
      I have not seen any need for expansion and I suspect I have plenty of room inside my mind.
      I do not break down. A lack of fuel would result in that but an overload of information and appliances would not.
      A breakdown through a lack of fuel would unleash the creature, but not the overload of information and appliances.

  29. Beautiful Disgrace says:

    5 and a half months. I have maintained No Contact for 5 and a half months (except when having to deal with him for visitation with our children, but if I have to speak to him, I make sure it is done without emotion and as curtly as possible) and my ex Narc still tries to Hoover me. I have filed 4 complaints with the local police for harassment, but since it was not threatening, all they could do was document it and tell him to stop. Each of these times he became extremely angry, would launch a smear campaign, stop contacting me, but only for a short while. I don’t respond to his messages, his messages through 3rd parties or his Facebook posts professing his undying love for me. I hope he gives up eventually. He does have a new primary source, and still does this.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Hello BD, the fact that he has visitation rights means that he has a conduit available to him and hence why he hoovers you. You are however approaching dealing with those hoovers in the right way and eventually he will stop as he gains no fuel from you, be it positive or negative. It takes time but the reduction is achievable. He will still do it even though he has a new primary source because there is the opportunity but eventually it will reduce as he realises that there is nothing he can gain from doing so.

  30. (I was a) Fuel for Love says:

    Well, fuck me. I wished for forever with that guy and now you are telling me, after I finally ‘get’ what happened and got out, that my ‘wish’ came true and my relationship with the NPD ex IS forever … be careful for what you wish for indeed! …. :0 and thanks for the reminder at the end of your post HG, that there are effective ways to secure that freedom!

  31. Jessica says:

    Great article HG… I haven’t read the blogs lately… Although I don’t go where I use to live. Local hang outs I don’t venture in. I watch my back all the time and not really anticipating the dreadful text but possibly waiting for it… Wondering what lie he will tell me this time. Five weeks and counting. I did secure my freedom, I found my spine and my life. My trust is shot though. This too will take time. Please continue to educate me on your kind. Thank you

    1. HG Tudor says:

      You are welcome Jessica.

  32. Fuel for Love says:

    Well, fuck me. I wished for forever with that guy and now you are telling me, after I finally ‘get’ what happened and got out, that my ‘wish’ came true and my relationship with the NPD ex IS forever … be careful for what you wish for indeed! …. :0 and thanks for the reminder at the end of your post HG, that we can still do much to secure some freedom!

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Indeed that is the case FFL.

  33. someone says:

    Hello. I understand this blog and your books to be what they are. A voice for your kind and in many cases a way for victims to understand more about what they are dealing with. If you make your living this way I can see the impending certainty that you have to keep up this charade in some aspects. Because if you heal and progress and try to move forward in healthy ways then your whole identity crashes. I like what you are doing here to an extent. What I have issue with is any beliefs or advice given that suggest not believing in people and healing and love. You state much here that your kind won’t, can’t and don’t deserve or are capable of love (love being the umbrella of kindness, compassion, etc.) I think with my kind, we are not victims. If we all continue to wake up to who we are and use this as beneficial information to our own growth and healing. Yes, walking away from abuse is love. Not allowing it any longer is love. But, love goes much deeper than this. We can forgive. We can learn to love ourselves more so we know what we deserve. But for your kind, when we love one of you, I would like to hold out hope that beneath your own pain and wounds that maybe someday you would want to release yourself from your own misery and hell that you have created. I think there is great power in healing yourself and making different choices. Maybe your kind isn’t necessarily just lock up and throw away the key types. I think as people which is your kind AND our kind and whatever other weird segregated types we want to create need eachother. We grow from all these experiences and I myself have learned a great deal from your types. I still think you are worthy of love. But I am, more importantly, not deserving of abuse. Life isn’t black and white and I know below the masks is great great pain and it myst be terrifying to even consider approaching that pain to continue such behavior. But without us, or love, or hope, or all the beautiful opposites to this nonsense then the lessons wouldn’t exist.

    1. I would like to think so too because every you say makes sense to us empaths. I want to think that my husband will wake up and decide to allow my love to be enough and come back to the family we built but I’ve come to the grim realization that they are 98% unlikely to change. They do not know remorse or empathy as HG has pointed out repeatedly in his posts. I am a believer in hope but I have little hope that a narcissist will change. They don’t want to. They see nothing wrong with their choices in life.
      Right HG?

      1. HG Tudor says:


  34. Maddie says:

    Fair enough. Very logical x

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