Responsible

It is well-known that our kind does not do responsibility. We are not to be held to account. We are never culpable. Nothing is ever our fault. We are free to act as we please, doing what we want without concern for repercussion or consequence. Responsibility does not figure in our considerations. There is a considerable deficit on our side of the equation when it comes to shouldering responsibility. Nature abhors a vacuum however and therefore since we create such an absence of responsibility, this raises the question who is going to step in and accept responsibility? Who is going to take on more than their fair share of accountability? Who is going to plug the culpability gap? The answer, of course, is you and this is a significant reason why you remain chained to us and naturally, we know this to be the case. This is one of the reasons why we choose people like you.

As an empathic individual you have many traits which appeal to us. One of these traits is having a strong moral compass so that you “do the right thing” and you accept responsibility for your actions. That is attractive to us in itself. However, you go further than this. You are blessed or cursed, dependent on how you regard it, with the fact that you are over-responsible. Not only will you rightly accept blame when it is genuinely your fault but you will accept responsibility for us as well. This is extremely appealing. How does this over-responsibility come about?

On the one hand it is something which is intrinsic to you as a consequence of being an empathic person. You feel a deep responsibility for others and you do so because you wish to help. You do not believe that it is right to shirk responsibility or walk away when someone is in need. You widen your scope of responsibility by adopting the stance that as a decent human being you have a responsibility to aid others, assist them and help them. Added to that is the fact that we cause you to be responsible for us. We deny responsibility so you immediately feel a need to plug that gap – I return below to why you feel that need. Moreover, we make it your responsibility through our repeated projection and blame-shifting.

“It is always your fault.”

“You made me get angry, it is your fault.”

“Now look what you have made me do.”

“You should have known that was going to annoy me.”

This frequent projection and blame-shifting conditions you to accept responsibility for what we have done or not done. The more aware of our kind know that by reinforcing this double edged message – we are not responsible/ it is your fault – you will accept this to be the case. You are prone to repeated self-analysis and in order to find solutions, keep the peace and avoid those eggshells you will accept responsibility for us. An objective observer would find a certain action to be clearly our fault but you will take on the mantle of responsibility on our behalf.

“It’s my fault, I should have known.”

“He is tired, that is why he shouts at me, I should have let him rest.”

“I should have remembered that he doesn’t like fish.”

“It’s okay, I am used to it, I don’t mind because he can be wonderful to me you know.”

“It is just the way he is, I pick up the pieces, that is what I am here for.”

The repeated reinforcement that you are to blame coupled with your natural propensity for wanting to accept responsibility means that we know we can easily have you burdened with accountability and you will invariably accept it. This then paves the way for us to inflict other manipulations against you based on your acceptance of fault and guilt. You accept you are at fault so then we are entirely justified in shouting at you, cold-shouldering you, stopping you going out or having an affair. Having you as the one to blame suits our purposes to maintain our perceived superiority and provides us with justification for punishing you so that we receive further negative fuel.

This over-responsibility will extend into making excuses on our behalf when we have stormed out of a family occasion. It is our secretary ringing a client and apologising for us when we have been rude to somebody. It is a sibling who tries to play down our outrageous behaviour and finding something to explain it without pinning the blame where it ought to be pinned; on us. You accept that you are to blame and you become our spokesperson when dealing with other people as you are left to defend the indefensible. Not that you will get any thanks for any of this of course.

Why then do you feel such a need to be over-responsible for us? Where does this trait stem from? I have seen it within my own family with my sister. From an early age you have been subjected to such blaming behaviour when it was never actually your fault. This causes you to believe that there must be something wrong with you and that you are not good enough. In order to deal with this sense of inadequacy that was instilled in you most likely in your childhood you seek to over-compensate and decide that you will become good enough by being the receptacle for all blame, irrespective of real culpability. You have been convinced that you deserve this abuse, this blame and it is your duty to shoulder responsibility for what we do and what we do not do, in order to become worthwhile. It is easier to accept blame than fight against it because this is fulfilling the role that has been created for you. Always being to blame has caused you think that you deserve it and in order to do something about that state of affairs, you address it by accepting even more blame in order to reach an accord with what you regard your role to be.

We know that you need to feel responsible. It is a central plank of the empath’s constitution and we will exploit this by always blaming you, passing responsibility onto you and walking away from accountability. We will not laud you for such a selfless act of accepting responsibility but rather seize the opportunity to use it to justify our further foul treatment of you. You are at fault. You therefore deserve to be punished. You accept this and the repeated application of this only serves to reinforce and extend your sense of being responsible for us.

It is akin to being given six of the best with a cane at school for something you did not do and then asking,

“Please sir, can I have some more?”

70 thoughts on “Responsible

  1. Violet says:

    What are your thoughts on social anxiety? According to the trait, you don’t feel it. However, with my (particularly female) narcissistic friends, I have noticed flushing and throat closing when public speaking, shaking randomly at various times, and freezing in front of some people and looking at me while they talk instead of at them, I suppose perhaps for security.

    My narc brother flushed in front of his crush.

    When I was growing up, performing, my mother would project her hesitation about expressing herself on to me. Although I became a very talented dancer and journalist, I still carry her view of distrusting herself.

    I think from observing many narcs, they tend to not like the sound of their own voice and sometimes become unsure of physical movements.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Interesting observations Violet. Those are not things which I have experienced and I wonder if some of it is linked to a drop in fuel causing these problems to manifest.

  2. Steel says:

    Could you please write a post on identity – how you construct a false one for victims.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Hello Steel, I have made a note.

  3. Violet says:

    What actually happens in your brain when you look at a family member or close person you have abused and they have nothing left? I know what your words are and what your opinion is of that person, but what actually goes on in your brain? What stimulus (if any) is caused by that idea?

    1. HG Tudor says:

      If you mean the exact chemical reaction and biological response of my brain to seeing this, I do not know as it is not my area of expertise. As you note, I can tell you what I am thinking, but not the science behind what my brain is doing as I am thinking that they are weak and useless and I need to obtain fuel from elsewhere.

  4. E. B. says:

    Thank you so much for this post. It is good to read and reread how over-responsibility and blame acceptance were created. It is a helpful way to reprogram our minds.

    Some character traits like being over-responsible are actually seen as “positive qualities” in some dysfunctional families. Non Golden Children, who are rarely praised, may come to believe over-responsibility is one of the few positive qualities they have, if not the only one, and not a trait to be shameless exploited by narcissists.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Good point EB.

  5. CC says:

    It seems to me this sounds more like the codependent habit of taking on responsibility and accountability of other’s, empathetic people seem to have compassion and understanding and patience with obvious lack of responsibility, they may even put up with it a bit, and help out, however I don’t think they feel responsible, for other’s actions. The codependent however yes this is the way they have to cope, as you mentioned, they have been trained from the beginning to believe they carry the weight.

    1. Maddie says:

      Indeed.I’ve been trained to well.

      1. CC says:

        I once was well trained myself, I took pride at my skilled and practiced role, I became a queen at desiring only to please him, and felt honored to make his wants, desires, needs my wants desires and needs, as I slowly faded and became the extension he saw me as, this after all was my worth, how I earned my keep and I felt so lucky and blessed to be his object, his appliance, his emotionally, physically bonded slave, that is until I chose life over death, but you know, daddy had trained me first.

  6. Maddie says:

    I’m wrapped up in Your book all the Seduction. ..and already feeling sorry for this lad.
    Btw .My narcfriend treated me with blame shifting saying that I have send her wrong signals etc. She was getting furious. .. I hate that but I had to cry… I had to apologise for everthing she has blamed me for despite nothing in my eyes was my fault. I had to take the punched otherwise there would be another silent treatment for a year… she’s better now. So am I.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Is this the narc friend who is love with you Maddie?

      1. Maddie says:

        Yes. She had family coming over so plenty of fuel. She don’t pick up her phone today but she texted back and that’s a relieve. She had me upset. Begging. Appologising. She pretended it was ok but I’ve seen her eyes and her look she tried to hide. No silent treatment. ..yet…more to come I assume.

        1. HG Tudor says:

          You know the drill by now Maddie.

  7. claudia says:

    I hate you, HG!!!!! Don’t ever talk to me, again!!!!

  8. Viktoria says:

    HG, what do you think about Sam Vaknin’s work? Thank you

    1. HG Tudor says:

      I have not read any of his work. I know who he is. He obviously knows his area, he is more scientific than me in his approach. I did listen to a video of his for a short while but I find his voice monotonous so I switched off.

  9. xenyen says:

    Hello!
    I read several of your books yesterday on the Kindle, following up the clues. I’ve had the narcissistic experience, from my mother to ex-husband. I see a lot of truth in your writing, and I notice that I instinctively did some of what you suggested: no contact, the core principle, focusing on myself, etc.

    I have some questions. I see things in your books shedding light on other concepts read elsewhere (religion, NLP).

    1. What is this creature? (I am on Fuel right now, seeking the answer, but need it from you.) How is it a part of you? When you mention flames or feeding the fire, what does that mean exactly?

    2. Why do you say ‘we were created’? Is this inborn, or is it a result of early nurturing? ‘created’ implies lack of accountability (ok, ok, I get that) or incurability (I know, you mentioned that) which would imply injustice from God in creating you that way…. In a nutshell, how does this arise? I don’t want to do this to my kids, inadvertently. I’ve been over caring for them, now I see a shift to more selfishness.

    3. Narc parents: do you have a book on parents and how they do this? I have read other material, and I see parallels in what you write and what my mother did (my father, RIP, never spoke at home) etc, and I’ve healed. I was a major fuel source for her, though I’ve stonily ignored all her life and death operations (quite a lot in the last two years, all uneventful.) and other emergencies. Hopefully she’s moved on.

    4. The everpresence. I instinctively threw out everything my mom gave me. I realize she was always sending gifts, and I remember the gifts she sent to me before, when I was happily married, scared me and raised my hackles (just baby clothes for my newborn) and I wanted to throw them away. I removed every last gift (she knows, and keeps sending more: she knows I throw them or give them away). I blocked her on social media… she seems to know, and it frees me each time. When I do ritual baths in holy water, or cord cutting exercises or energetic visualizations, she immediately would call. She was always in my head.

    Very little of it left, a faint echo now, after determined no contact, removing all her gifts, setting up energetic walls… still trying to steal my beauty.

    Pardon the long background: I need to know about everpresence: how does one totally delete the energetic connection? She is trying to steal my health and beauty, as everyone complimented me on my brains and my looks. I don’t know how she is doing it but I get sick now… she was furious at my long thick hair and my hair just started falling. One morning I woke up and my hair was several inches shorter; she doesn’t live here, and there was no hair anywhere… how is she accessing me, living in another house?

    1. xenyen says:

      Oh, I need to compliment you, though :). Very well written, logical and factual. You know what you are talking about, I have experienced some of it. Thank you for taking the time to share! You are very smart!

      1. HG Tudor says:

        Thank you Xenyen, i cannot disagree.

  10. RedFlagFrog says:

    HG – I am new to your blog & am blown away. I feel like I’ve been handed the keys to the kingdom. Power has been slowly trickling back into my soul as I devour post after post. I begin to hope I can find the strength to escape one of “your kind.”

    Then it hits me. Who you are just doesn’t add up. It’s all too good to be true. A lifetime of feeling hunted has finally taught me to be wary. This blog ultimately defies the definition of narcissist.

    However, if you’re shining the light of truth in the eyes of those who need it most…then I am grateful, regardless. But I can’t help wondering, are you really just a sheep dressed in wolf’s clothing?

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Hello RFF and welcome on board. What tends to cause the odd person to think in this way is because I operate by 5 rules (which I do not disclose the nature of) which are required to ensure that the blog operates as it is intended. Also keep in mind that when you first meet our kind you enjoy a golden period and secondary and tertiary sources have these for substantial periods of time, so what happens here is entirely consistent with that. If we somehow met outside of this blog, you would soon feel my teeth sinking into you.

      1. CC says:

        You are no sheep, however the fact you have one considering that this is all a ruse to help save us poor lost souls, just solidifies what an elite narc you are, a true wolf, sitting in plain sight, and some how the children can’t believe what is staring right in their face, it all must be a bad dream, right HG? I imagine that statement fueling you quite a charge.

        1. HG Tudor says:

          Indeed CC and I like the way you explained that.

          1. CC says:

            I imagine a beastly proud lion who slowly looks to his left and his right and slightly, ever so gently tossing his main, sitting a little more upright, his eyes closing yet not all the way and settling into comfort as he sits smugly with his paws curling around all his little play things.

          2. HG Tudor says:

            Rather apt CC.

    2. AH OH says:

      He is a Narcissist not a sheep. He dos not care. He is just telling all of us what a Narc is and how they behave. I haven’t seen a sheep here at all. >

      1. HG Tudor says:

        I’m obliged Ah Oh>

  11. I. Can'tGoBackwards says:

    Such a gruel Twist of fate to be your sib (sibling).

    Or S/O.

    Or pet dog (“How *dare* you pee on the carpet in MY house..!”).

    You either have to have a masochistic streak a mile wide or be a poor, sweet, dumb animal..

    May not be enough *compensating factors,* dear Allabout Me.

    Sorry not sorry!

    1. Love says:

      Its not so bad if that’s all you know. Crazy is actually normal to you. Then you become an adult and people tell you there is parallel universe you never knew about. In this universe, families love and support each other. They have white picket fence houses, 2.5 children, and a dog. Mom bakes yummy desserts and dad plays sports with you outside. There are even nice boyfriends and loving spouses on this plain. They tell you, you will be treated like a real person and not just furniture. So you spend oodles and oodles of money in therapy to one day gain admission to this Disneyland.

      1. HG Tudor says:

        Well put Love.

      2. Ha ha ha, I love my family but there are some that I will only spend a very brief amount of time with! I feel like now that I know about narcissism, I am starting to see why I am so used it. Lucky them for having access to my infinite fuel… Maybe this is why we can relate to an extent Love? I think that if it weren’t for my mother I may have turned out other wise….

      3. Love says:

        Thank you. I do light up with your comments. I can see how easy it is for you to train your appliances.

        1. HG Tudor says:

          It is what I do best, Love.

  12. Maddie says:

    Good morning dear G. I remember this one from one of Your books… it hits well to the point and Your writing is THE BEST thing in the world! But for some unknown to me reason I smiled in the end when I’ve read the last sentence… maybe You know why?

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Thank you Maddie.

  13. I emailed you a response HG 🙂

  14. Violet says:

    And so, how do you see the role as “brother?” That you are supposed to be to her, so she might stick around? How should she be treated, live healthily and happily? Or does your brain not get that far?

    1. HG Tudor says:

      My role is to see to my own needs. She has a role to play in that. The only role that I have as brother to her is the one which maintains a facade and allows me to achieve what I require. How should she be treated? As an appliance. How should she live healthily? That’s for her to address. How should she live happily? Stay away from my kind.

      1. Indy says:

        Powerfully written. One one hand, I wish I could teach others that level of emotional boundary you have with regard to not taking on other people’s lessons/emotions when it doesn’t serve your mental health (to a degree it is healthy). I learn it the hard way, getting better. On the other hand, empathy is lost if you do not do it at all. That balance is hard to achieve for many.

        1. HG Tudor says:

          Thank you Indy.

      2. There has to be some form of co-existence strategy for those that must remain other than no contact…you know what, HG, scratch that — regardless of what you honestly think, this is one of those times I just need you to say: “Uh-huh.”

        1. HG Tudor says:

          The starting point should be the “uh huh” Sarah, but if you have to co-exist there are measures available. Escape deals with a number of them in terms of tackling the manipulations and a forthcoming book Defender will go even further and is specifically for those who cannot go no contact for whatever reason.

          1. I can’t wait until Defender!!! That is a great title for it by the way…and I will check out Escape as well – the problem is I have three of your books open at a time because I just love them all!

          2. HG Tudor says:

            Why not four?! Thank you, always good to know that.

          3. AH OH says:

            Do you share what you learn with your husband? How does he react? Does he use the tools for his ex? >

          4. HG Tudor says:

            I don’t have a husband.

          5. AH OH says:

            This was for Sarah silly. >

          6. HG Tudor says:

            Wasn’t labelled as such.

          7. I keep wanting to read more and more before I get done with one book so then open and up another – patience is a value I have yet to master — and I love your book covers – the pictures are always so crisp and ‘thrilling’ – Claudia mentioned that word and I am borrowing it for the day 🙂

          8. HG Tudor says:

            Thank you Sarah.

          9. No, thank you HG for your work…it is invaluable, and I get excited each time I read anything you write…

          10. AH OH says:

            Sarah I posted a question for you. I am not sure where it went. I asked if you share the info you are learning with him. How does he receive it. Does he read the books and has it helps with dealing with his ex? I have shared the radio interview with men I went out on dates with so they would know where my head was a few months ago. They always came back with a HOLY SHIT! You ok now? >

          11. Ah Oh,

            As he is the father and the one who must co-parent, I communicate him on effective strategies that are practical to application relevant to our situation, but I do the reading and formulate ideas and problem-solving solutions as not all advice is directly relevant. He appreciates what I do for his children and I wish I had found HG in 2009 – it took me until I found HG to really get a glimpse on several behaviors that are all too familiar…but without knowledge it was just fragmented if that makes sense

  15. B says:

    I can understand that connection. As always, thank you for sharing.

  16. OldSupply says:

    Nailed it, yet again! I had only one sibling growing up, he was the all-American-son (literally what I called him) whom could do no wrong….I was the garbage dump for all things wrong. My parents would proudly say how we were as different as night and day….so was their treatment of us. I was always to blame weather it was my fault or not. One example that stands out was when my brother got caught shop lifting in our adolescence and my parents boasted (for years) about how they tried to correct the police when they called to break the news, insisting that it must be me instead and that there must be some mistake. This was the type of thing their precious son would never do, but his sister should would.He was probably 15, which would have made me 11 at the time. I was also the one who got to listen to how miserable my mother was being married to an alcoholic for as long back as I can possibly remember. As I got old enough to share my opinions, they were all angrily shot down. I was expected to just sit and listen quietly and not have a voice. Dump, dump, dump the garbage on me, I could take it, and who cared if I couldn’t, don’t dare speak up! This is the oldest and most constant memory I have of my childhood. Yuck! Needless to say, it’s no surprise that I ran away just after turning 17. Met my ex Narc at 18 and I was prime bait!
    Also true for me was your description of being an animal lover. I was the savior of all hurt animals as a kid. I tried to save dozens of birds with broken wings, hatch abandoned eggs, buried dead butterflies, released caged animals such as my brothers rabbit and raised a rooster from a baby chick, until one day it was gone and my uncle invited me over for dinner…cooked chicken. One of my earliest paid jobs in my young 20’s was working as a vet tech and wildlife rehabilitator. I quickly volunteered to take hurt squirrels home for round the clock care. My favorite part of the job was working with the wild Hawks, although all the animals were amazing.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Hello OldSupply, thanks for your post and your experiences are not dissimilar from others in that regard. As you say based on your experiences and also your empathic traits you’ve displayed, it is little wonder you were prime bait.

  17. Lisa says:

    Hi HG, since the theory behind NPD is childhood trauma , how does that explain they’re eyes ? Also is pscycopathy also explained by childhood trauma or is that genetic ? I’ve just watched a documentary about a famous TV personality and it was now obvious he was definitely a narc maybe even narcpath

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Could you elaborate on what you mean about the eyes please Lisa?

      1. Lisa says:

        Hi HG, you’ve mentioned your eyes and I’ve read a number of articles about expressionless eyes ?

        1. HG Tudor says:

          Indeed I have. As I have explained before we can mimic many of the emotions that we do not feel, but it appears we cannot always do so in our eyes, hence they remain expressionless at times.

          1. AH OH says:

            An empty stare? >

  18. HG,
    Have you ever told an IP that you do not want to have to find another partner because she’s already trained just the way you like?

    That is all I think about with this post… I guess I was a perfect pet in this aspect.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      I have intimated that without saying it that way, yes.

  19. Ah Oh says:

    wow now it is SA. wordpress is not working.

  20. SA says:

    NO! on this one. This proves I am not a good fuel source. Not way do I take blame for someone else’s crap. Never happened.

    1. AH OH says:

      Will the real HG stand up. Who is on the other end of this blog right now? >

  21. Kris stevens says:

    I am floored!! I’ve read all your writing!! It mirrors my life!!! WOW!! Keep
    It coming!! It helps!!

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Thank you Kris, I shall.

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