Smearing the Cast Off

 

smearing-the-cast-off

 

The ex-partner. There will always be one when you engage with our kind because we accumulate them in the same way that people buy clothes, easily, frequently and prone to being in or out of fashion. We will readily forget about an ex as if they had never existed or resurrect them in order to prove what we had to endure before you came along or to remind you that you have fallen from grace and we should have stayed with your predecessor. The ex-partner is a staple ingredient in any of the triangulations which we deploy with you. You never know the truth about our ex partners from what we say. You may speak to themselves at some point and learn the truth, possibly even allying with one another but we will busy with the new person, focusing on the replacement, happy to forget the exes or pedal more lies about them. Here are six of our favourite and typically contradictory lies about our exes.

  1. I was abused by them

Straight out of the gates and tearing along Sympathy Highway is the frequent refrain of how badly we have been treated by your predecessor. She or he was a monster, horrible and heartless. I treated him or her so well, like a prince or princess, giving that person so much love and attention and all they ever did was throw it back in my face. I gave them my all and I got nothing back but abuse. Violence, sexual humiliation, financial ruin, name-calling, silent treatments, you name it, I was subjected to it. My massive dose of projection is aimed at smearing the predecessor should they ever come near to you and attempt to convince you that I was actually the abuser. I also want you to feel sorry for me and with that delicious empathic nature of yours want to protect me from the beast, that harpy, that vicious ex who harmed such a precious and wonderful person such as me.

  1. I was trapped by them

She or he knew they were on to a good thing when they met me. I am a good person, always looking to help people, think the best of them and do the right thing. I have always been regarded as a catch of course and I know you will agree with me as I tell you that someone like me, beautiful, intelligent, well-read, urbane, successful, well-paid, entertaining and magnetic is quite the trophy. I can see you nodding in agreement. I don’t ask for much because I am giving and tolerant and I think they knew that about me because he or she took advantage of my better nature and trapped me as soon as they could. They made me move in with them/they moved in with me. They made me buy a house with them. They proposed to me within two weeks of meeting. I became pregnant/she fell pregnant within moments. I didn’t mind because I am such a firm believer in love but now when I look back I realise that I was take for a ride. They wanted to trap me and they did this by co-habiting/marrying/having a child so soon after meeting. I am not one to shirk my responsibilities and I stood by them notwithstanding how horrible they were to me once they knew I could not leave. Don’t misunderstand me, there is nothing wrong with moving in so soon or becoming engaged within weeks or conceiving in a matter of a month of two of meeting, but it has to be with the right person hasn’t it?

A massive reversal of roles as I tell you the truth of what has happened with the ex but reverse the roles and then use it to lay the ground for doing the same to you, with your blessing.

  1. They are crazy

I have to warn you about my crazy ex. She is obsessed with me. She won’t leave me alone. She checks my social media profile, I know, because my friends tell me and she uses fake profiles to leave me messages and comments. I would close my profiles down but why should I because that would be letting her win wouldn’t it? I She hangs around outside where I work and follows me to my house. She will probably try and speak to you and no doubt tell you lots of lies about me. Don’t believe a word of what she says. She just cannot get over the fact that I finished with her and she cannot let go. She has to know what I am doing because her life is so empty. She lives through me you see, but don’t worry, I know what she is up to and I will deal with her at the suitable time. You have no need to be afraid as I will look after you, but I felt it only right to warn you because she will obviously try and split us up, not that that is going to happen is it? Good, I am glad you nodded and smiled. She is totally off the scale.

More projection and smearing of the ex in order to keep the truth of my behaviour from you, paint them as the Crazy One and bind you closer to me as I appear to be the heroic defender.

  1. Better than you

I don’t know why I got with you. You treat me far worse than my ex. I should have stayed with him or her and never bothered with you. You just annoy me all the time. Not like her or him. He or she was wonderful, interesting and thoughtful and he or she loved me more than you could ever do. I don’t know why I let you lead me away from them, I must have been put under some kind of spell. Is that what you did? Did you charm me away from them in order to make us both unhappy? What a horrible person you are. She or he is a better cook/worker/entertainer/person/lover/parent/host than you. I must have taken leave of my senses when I chose you over them. You should look at them and learn from them and perhaps, just perhaps you might make amends for what you have done and make me happy again. I should go back to them, but why should I give you the satisfaction of hurting me again. I am going to make you work hard and give you a chance, because that is the type of person that I am, to make amends for the horrible thing you have done. You have a chance to make it up to me and to try harder. What are you waiting for?

  1. I still love her

I still love her. I do. Sometimes you meet somebody who has that effect and you have made me realise that I still love her, more than I love you. I know that may sound harsh but if you can take one thing away from you and I and that is that you have helped me realise what I truly feel and what I need. You will always have my thanks for that. I know this may hurt you but you should take solace from the fact that you have done something good and made me realise what is worth fighting for. I must go and win her back and tell her that I love her. I am sure you can find happiness for yourself somewhere but it is not with me. I know you love me, I am easy to fall in love with, but I want someone else more than I want you and you should know by now, I don’t accept second best. So, I am going to go now and be with the one I truly love.

Of course I don’t love anybody at all, but if this artifice brings fuel from you and from her, then I will say whatever is needed won’t I?

  1. She still loves me

What can I say? She loves me still and I suppose you shall just have to get used to that being the case. You should understand because I know how much you love me and she is the same. I guess we will just have to live with the fact that she will keep reaching out to me, wanting me and trying to come between us, but I know I can count on you to stop that happening can’t I? No, there is no need to approach her, I think it would only be upsetting, for both of you. I know, I cannot help but care about you both, for you are both special to me, but leave her be, let me handle it. The best thing that you can do is love me more than she does, adore me more than she does and do everything in your power to keep me here. It shouldn’t be hard should it, given I love you so much.

She actually hates me and never wants to see me again but there is nothing wrong with incentivising you to submit to my control and give me more fuel is there?

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20 thoughts on “Smearing the Cast Off”

  1. I can’t believe that my ex thinks I’m so stupid, I’ve done the research, got the black and white evidence, to his cheating, lying, he still makes stuff up about me that is ridiculous, I could care less. However, he is now sayin that ” broke his heart” lmao. I allowed a Hoover to happen. ( I wanted it) i enechaned it, he was more than willing.. but still refuses to admit he’s been with the same homewrecking whore that he left me for. Why would he hide her for sooooooo long to everybody? I know that he prolly isn’t ready to let people know cause then he would have to admit that I was right. ( even though I showed proof..) doesn’t that seem odd that a girl would allow this.. he says ” that broad won’t give me the time of day” and ” I don’t even know her son” and ” she’s hustling drinks all the time” showed him pictures of him, her, and the ex at dinner…wtf.. why does he say these lies after so much time..I’ve read pretty much everything you have put out there HG… is it just that he dosent want to let me or anyone else know that he has been caught? Thanks in advance for your input… and what does all the statements say…

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    1. Hello All Done, she is likely to be a Dirty Secret and it suits him to have that so his facade is not damaged. In the meanwhile he continues to deny it all to you so you react and provide him with fuel, so he can point you out as being the unreasonable and difficult ex, so the facade think ill of you.

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  2. HG… Mine had tons of ex’s. I am wondering what makes him stay with this fat unattractive chin lady, could she be a well of fuel? They have been together 8 months now. I mean, I just can’t get past the fact that she is hideous. Will he terminate her eventually and leave her devastated? I hate that I am so curious about them. Grrr… Thanx HG.

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    1. It will be the fuel which is outweighing everything else Mary. Yes he will devalue her and he will discard her. Your reaction is both understandable and engineered as part of the ongoing dynamic.

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    2. You are addicted to him still if you find yourself ruminating over him. You will find peace and strength in detachment. Detach from the beast. His current woman is just like you: a source of supply. She could very well be a wonderful and empathic person, just like you, as they usually choose the kindest of people.

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  3. See I don’t understand my dear G… most of womens here or on different support groups hate and envy their narc or exnarc….I empathise with them despite not knowing how to hate. I always went the opposite way: I could be angry with the situation but I won’t blame the person I’ll blame their upbringing and that doesn’t apply only to narc..it applies to every one. If we have never met those people we would have never evaluated nor matured. It is impossible to live in world where we meet only those who please us… i.e. You wouldn’t have Your negative fuel if everyone was nothing but perfectly good. There are people thanks to whom we will learn who we are and we will understand ourselves. there are people who will cheat us and we will become less naive and more cautious. I’ve been through a lot not only because of who I was and I’ve learn… some triggers are hard to control but I am working on them. One word cam trigger a avalanche of situations and put me in my “paranoia box”. Reminds me a movie “Before I go to sleep” where a girl was recording herself because she suffered from short term memory loss (I looove Colin Firth btw!) I was doing similar thing and that helped me to understand that I wasn’t insane therefore I could stay calm and research or talk to friends and family. But I can’t blame anyone for who I’ve become…if I wanted the list would be long starting from childhood where I’ve have become ” interrupted “….

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    1. I to feel sorry for my ex. It can’t be easy for them. Everyone should be cared for and they have been abused just as we have. I agree i am stronger because of the abuse. I will be more careful choosing a partner in future. I just wish I could help him. HG, is it lonely or that bad being a narcissist?

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      1. It is neither lonely or bad being what I am, on the contrary I interact with many people and I am highly effective and successful at what I do. Of course, it is not bad for me, but is bad for those that I devalue and therein lies the problem for others.

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      2. HG. Were you abused as a child? My ex really seems hurt I’ve left him. He begs me to look after him and wishes his mum was like me. Could he really miss me? Are you able to love and person at all or be faithful if you want to?

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      3. I’m sorry to hear you were abused. I feel sorry for my ex but should I just go no contact and realise although I am hurting (he possibly is to) he doesn’t probably care? I just want to know he’ll be OK and I want him to be happy but not hurt other people in the process.

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      4. Go no contact. It is understandable how you feel about him but he is not your responsibility, you are. He does not care about you at all. Only your fuel. You will only hurt yourself further by trying to make him become something which he cannot become.

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  4. I know my ex has told others he wishes they had been his mum. Are they really that sad or is it just to get in our knickers?? I’ve studied psychology but nothing like this! It’s terribly upsetting for us empathy. I actually hate myself sometimes. I wish I had a thicker skin.

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    1. It is a tell of the Victim Narcissist, a test to see how that person responds and is done to gain fuel and to bind the prospective victim closer to the narcissist.

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      1. So he isn’t really upset or sad? He wants anyone who’ll fall for it? He said he’d love me until his last breath and I should never question his fidelity? ? All lies i imagine. What if I’ve got him wrong? He seems like a narcissist. I just honestly can’t believe he doesn’t care for me 🙁

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      2. Yes it is all lies. All is as the fuel demands it to be. You are unlikely to have it wrong, but keep reading and seeing how similar his behaviour is to what you read here on the blog, the comments of other posters and in my books.
        The fact you cannot believe he does not care for me is an understandable and typical response. Let me tell you again (and i will keep telling you this) he only cares about your fuel.

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  5. My Narc is very secretive about his exes. He told me that i was the lover number 19… that i was “the best one” (wow that honor!) and the only one with which he maintained a relationship so long (the others was only adventures of one night…but I don’t believe him about it, he chatted with almost all this girls). Of course he says this blandishments to every woman and I think that he had many more than 19 lovers. I think that he overshadowed the wall of his fake account because I had read some sentences given to other women in his wall and I was very jealous 😠 . He used that fake account to keep in touch with lovers and exes, but he closed it after a quarrel with me in July, although i think that he opened a new one.

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