See Saw


I have a see saw. It is very special and I only allow special people to climb on to it. You have to be special to get on my see saw, someone like you is allowed on because you are special. In the beginning you do not even realise that you are sat on it, but you are. Of course when I meet you, you will have some kind of burden that is weighing you down. You may be lonely, you may be recovering from a different lost relationship, you may be grieving over a bereavement. You might have money concerns, perhaps started a new job which is causing you apprehension or your children may be proving difficult. There will be something that is preying on your mind and weighing you down. Even when to the outside world you may appear happy and delighted, there will be something. Everyday things, deeper and more meaningful concerns or even something dark from your past, childhood traumas, a dark deed done some time ago or a difficult relationship with dearest daddy.Perhaps it is the burden of expectancy or the crushing weight of dejection, but ultimately there will be something which weighs heavy on your soul. I can tell because you are sat on my see saw and you are weighing it down leaving you sat at a low point.

Of course when I appear all that changes. As soon as I clamber on the raised part of the see saw I ensure that the weight of my integrity, my immense gravitas, my substantial presence and my massive love all lower my side. I cannot help but do this as I am a man of substance and importance. I carry great responsibility on my shoulders as I lead men, pioneer into new territories, task risks and shoulder so much on behalf of others. At least this is what I tell myself.

My arrival delights you because you now sail up into the air, carried high by the weight that has appeared on the other end. This see saw is fantastic because up and up you go, racing through the air up into the firmament.It is exciting and dizzying as you soar towards the rarefied atmosphere. You feel light, your feel elevated and those burdens have somehow vanished such is the effect of my presence. You recall from your childhood that eventually you reached the apex of the see saw and you readied yourself to come down again but this is different, there seems to be no end to your upwards movement. You can still see me below you, looking up in awe and delight at you and that only adds to your sense of delight. You wonder if you can do the same for me, whether you can send me soaring upwards and you try to push down but it is to no avail, you cannot muster any force and you continue heading up on high.

I watch you soar and your smiles, laughter and praise for my wonderful see saw pleases me, so I allow you to continue with your ascent. Your exhortations of thanks for this wonderful ride shower down on me and I accept it all with gratitude. Still, what goes up must invariably come down and with a violent application of force I begin to shoot upwards towards my rightful place above you. You are suddenly falling. Your descent is rapid and sudden and it is unpleasant. You can see the earth racing up to meet you and your screams come long and loud. I laugh at your distress and cause the see saw to move even more violently as I soar upwards and you plummet. You see me ahead of you, smiling and laughing as if nothing is wrong and confusion grips you. Why are you going down now? Why is it happening so fast? I pass you and wave as you grip onto the see saw, bracing yourself for the impact, terror and dread wrapping around you. You see me now above you as you close your eyes and wait for that sudden thud as you hit the ground once more but it never comes. You are just above the ground, way below me as you hear me pouring scorn on you from my elevated position. It seems so odd. I am no further away from you than when we got on this see saw yet I seem so distant, so far away that you struggle to even recognise whether it is me. You don’t like being down here. It feels horrible. You want to climb once again and so you push hard with your legs in order to gain some purchase that will send you up and me down but nothing happens. You shove again but there is no response. I am calling to you, my cat calls drifting down to you as you repeatedly try and force the see saw upwards but it is to no avail. Tears of frustration gather in your eyes as you push and pull at the see saw but nothing happens and then, without warning you feel a lurch and you start to climb again. The relief washes over you and you blink away the tears as that sensation of joy and delight begins again.

Up and down you go, climbing one moment without knowing how high you will go before thenΒ  you start to plummet. Sometimes the descent halts part way through and you are lifted up again, if only for a second before down you go once more. It is a tumultuous situation and you feel dizzy and disorientated. It is becoming harder and harder to know what is going to happen next or whether you are going up or down. You cling on, knuckles whitening, desperate to remain on the see saw because you have no idea what might happen if you try and get off. Will you be catapulted into the air and to freedom? Or will you plunge to the hard earth below and shatter into a thousand pieces? If only the see saw would stop for a moment so you can get your bearings. You need some respite from this up and down movement over which you have no control. All the time you see me across from you, seemingly delighted at this ride. How come I do not feel sick or anxious? How is it that I am enjoying this random ride so much? One minute it is all highs and then you sink to the lows before a sudden jerk halts the descent. You need to get off but you daren’t do so, so instead you decide to hold tight but this only seems to encourage me.

You call for help at the group of people you can see gathered below. You know they can see you but as you are lowered towards them, their hands outstretched ready to lift you from this nightmarish ride, you are suddenly wrenched upwards and away again. You are so confused. It feels better to be climbing, that wonderful lifting sensation sweeping across you, but this takes you away from those people who are trying to help you. You tell them to wait that you will be back soon but you can see them walking away as you keep on climbing again until they have vanished. You shout for them to stay but it is to no avail. You are isolated, alone and soaring once more.

Another lurch and you are falling but this time alarm seizes your heart. You cannot breathe and terror causes the scream to stall in your throat. You are falling way too fast, faster than ever before, hurtling downwards at such speed. You look across to where I should be but there is nobody there. I have gone. I have vanished without warning and announcement. There is nobody left to control this see saw and you are dropping, dropping, dropping. The hard and stony earth is rushing up to meet you. You are in free fall and there is only going to be one outcome.

42 thoughts on “See Saw

  1. Exhausted says:

    How did we all get here? So screwed up and trying to heal

  2. We should never allow ourselves to become to deeply intertwined with another human being. I’ve made a vow to myself that I will never allow anyone else to get that deep inside of my head and my heart. I can’t take another round. I won’t survive it physically or mentally. Most days, even after a full nights sleep, I still feel like I’ve just come out of the battle zone of a war. It’s exhausting to say the least. I pray for us all to one day be free of the demon remnants that they have left behind with us to have to try to free ourselves from. I for one know that I am not and will not ever be the same person I was before I knew him or the person I became while with him. No one knows this woman who has been to war and survived the battlefield and I don’t expect them to ever fully know her ever again. She physically survived the battle, but spiritually she was hit by so many shards of shrapnel that the wounds have proven to be emotionally fatal. Death of ones mind is a terrible thing.

    1. BraveHeart says:

      BBB, I empathize (surprise, surprise) with every word you said. I pray for you too that you may find solace and freedom. Stay strong!!! πŸ˜ŠπŸ’•

      1. I’m giving it my best shot BraveHeart and getting by on my faith, hope and prayer, they are my survival tools. Without them I don’t know what I would have done by now, I hate to think about it. God’s got me though, this much I know for sure. When I watched my mother die almost 17 years ago I never thought anything I would ever go through in my life again would even begin to compare with the sadness and loss I felt for a long time after she went home. I never dreamed I’d be feeling those same feelings of loss and despair a mere 17 years later. This would have been so much easier If I were as young as I was when I held my mom’s hand while she drew her last breath. I thought I was broken then but I think my soul is completely crushed now.

      2. BraveHeart says:

        BBB, the only way I’ve gotten to where I am now is because of my faith. I’m not a religious person, but I have absolute faith in a higher power. For me it is God. When I was in the midst of my hell, and after I was discarded, I found myself many times curled up on my bathroom floor crying out in sheer agony and pain from the heartbreak and mind torture my Narc put me through. I know for a fact that, had I not prayed for light, strength, guidance and understanding, I would not have found this site and discovered the truth. I feel so blessed to have discovered HG and his powerful words, as well as the many people (including you) who share their stories much like mine. I never believed anyone could ever imagine or understand the pain I’ve been through, but here, I know for certain everyone has. Prayer for me is also a very powerful tool because I’ve actually witnessed the rewards of doing so with my own eyes, in my own life. I, too, do not know where I’d be right now without the Grace of God. I know for certain He’s saved my life by showing me the light. BBB, I feel your pain when you say you never thought you’d ever go through what you experienced with the passing of your mom. I’m so sorry that you had to experience such heartbreak, and I feel even more sad that someone came into your life and deliberately crushed your soul. You didn’t deserve that and I pray for you that you come through this experience with great strength, powerful wisdom and indestructible faith, more so than you’ve ever known before in your life.

        Keep believing, keep praying and keep moving forward, your breakthrough is on it’s way!


        May you grow to love and accept the “YOU” God is making you to be. May you walk in a new level of grace and gratitude that gives you peace and leaves others encouraged. May you be more apt to look forward with hope than you are to look back with regret. May your heart spill over with joy at the very thought of the story God is writing with your life. And tonight, may you sleep deeply, sleep well.

        Author – Susie Larson

        BraveHeart ~ With love

        1. Braveheart, you stated:

          “… I found myself many times curled up on my bathroom floor crying out in sheer agony and pain from the heartbreak and mind torture my Narc put me through.”

          I used to crawl up too, but on my soft bed. I feel for you. Stay strong!

          1. BraveHeart says:

            Most of the times were in my bed too, but at times I’d found myself gagging (it felt like I was spewing the evil out of me) so bad I thought I was going to puke (sorry readers), so I did end up in my bathroom and on the floor quite a few times. I’m so thankful to be far away from those days and each day that comes and goes takes me away even farther.

          2. I’m glad you’re gaining strength Braveheart.

  3. HG can you write an article directed at family and friends, as to why many victims find it difficult to leave the narc? My family thinks it’s my fault for becoming ensnared by him, for being on this seesaw. I try to explain to them that he plays mind games, plays hot and cold, etc. and this addicts me. They don’t understand. They think i should be able to snap out of it.

    1. And then i will have my family read that article if you do write one. Thank you.

      1. Snow White says:

        Hi PANA,
        Unfortunately HG is 100% correct. I relate to everything that you just wrote along with BBB and Braveheart.
        I don’t think anyone could understand the type of relationship that we were/are in. It was the most breathtaking, exhilarating, addicting, painful experience I have ever had. It doesn’t compare to anything out there. It’s unimaginable for people to grasp why we can’t just leave and why we can’t just get over it.
        And in my experience they just want the narcissist word to go away. They don’t want to hear anymore about it and that also makes it frustrating for me to not have anyone to discuss it with. That’s one of the reasons I’m still here. You have this forum to pour your heart out to.
        Hugs to everyone that feels the same way.

        1. Hugs to you to Snow!

    2. HG Tudor says:

      I can. The straight forward answer though is that they just do not understand what we are and they believe it is easy to walk away from somebody like us.

      1. Yes😞
        I am experiencing this right now.

      2. No one understands the magnetic pull that you all have over us. I have walked away from so many other encounters with other males & attempted relationships, I was able to walk away and divorce after a 23 year hiatus known as marriage. But then I met him and I haven’t been, nor do I ever see myself becoming the same ‘strong’ woman I once was. I told him in a letter that I would love him until I take my last breath and I wasn’t kidding either. It’s been 10 months now and I still feel as if I can’t breath on my own some days without him. He was and will always be my ‘drug’ of choice. I’ve kicked a cocaine habit many years ago and will say it was so much easier to walk away from that addiction than to let go of him.

        1. BBB, even i feel like my breathing is difficult many days without himπŸ˜”

          1. BraveHeart says:

            I’ve had to learn breathing techniques just to learn how to breath and relax again. To eliminate the feelings of anxiety, which I never dealt with before him. Although I do feel like I’m much stronger now, I definitely still feel that magnetic pull from time to time and it’s still pretty damn powerful, but not powerful enough to take me back.

          2. Then you really are a brave heart!! πŸ‘πŸ‘πŸ‘
            I keep going back, but not intimately any longer.

          3. BraveHeart says:

            You’ll get there PANA, just be patient with yourself and remember that you now have knowledge and support backing you all the way!!! πŸ™πŸ˜ŒπŸ’•

          4. Thx Brave heartπŸ’—

  4. BraveHeart says:

    Your story telling abilities is, undeniably, the best I’ve ever read.

  5. nikitalondon says:


    1. HG Tudor says:

      Merry Christmas my longstanding reader Nikita.

  6. Snow White says:

    Hi Adele, I agree with you. I had people who wanted to help me but I just pushed them away further. Exactly what my ex wanted. When I used to talk about her to my friends and I sensed they were tired of it I just distanced myself from them. She became the most important thing in my life and no one was going to get on the way. It was very unhealthy but I didn’t see it that way at the time.

    1. Adele says:

      It really is an illness. The more ive been in this relationship i realize ive become just as sick. Hes become my drug of choice to the exclusion of people who really care about me. You lose sight of reality and spiral out of control. Therapy has helped somewhat but 5 yrs has conditioned my mind and its not as easy as leaving. Or maybe it is. All i know is the more immersed you are in their world the more you lose sight of the real world and the people in it calling out to help you

      1. Adele says:

        Hi snow white that post was for you πŸ™‚

      2. Snow White says:

        I completely relate to what you just wrote Adele. If someone would have told me I was addicted to my ex and being in a relationship with her I would have laughed at them. This blog made me realize that I was indeed addicted to her. I read about it online but didn’t grasp it until I read HG’s work and the readers experiences here. It was a withdrawal for me just like a drug addict. I have kicked all habits except checking her FB from time to time. I see that as the last step of letting go of her but I just can’t yet. It’s a powerful hold they have on you.
        I excluded many people from my life and still not ready to let them back in and not sure if they will want that when I’m ready.
        I also have also learned that the healing and detoxing has to be at your own pace and no one else’s. It has to be your choice.
        I wish you well in your healing Adele. ❀️

      3. Adele says:

        Hi snow white…it really is an addiction and im so aware of it. Thats why as a codependant i can relate to narcs in their need for fuel. Its just a different drug and more damaging.
        Id watched a video on what to expect after you go no contact and start to put up boundaries and one of them was that some people nonnarc and narc in your life may not like your new assertiveness. They mentioned to slowly reintroduce people into your life but if they cant accept the new improved you then they need to not be in your life. Part of bejng healthy is having boundaries to protect yourself. Lack of boundaries is a porthole for narcs and people who take advantage of overly good hearted people.
        All the best in 2017!! πŸ€—πŸ€—πŸ€—

  7. Adele says:

    Great analogy! What really struck me is the people below wanting to help but we are too afraid to hop off. The more youre in the relationship the more isolated you become and your mindset is no longer a healthy one. Even therapy sometimes cant reach you fully. It is a constant balancing act because its changing continuosly

  8. “You need to get off but you daren’t do so, ”
    its true. all true

  9. Victory says:

    Interesting metaphor. Since I spent what I thought at the time was a great weekend with Narc & his family cutting down trees with chainsaws my image was being cranked up high on a roman topped column while & smiling down lovingly he took a chainsaw to the bottom.

  10. iilolii says:

    HG, you have an uncanning ability to build suspense and awe thru your writing. You have incredible story telling skills. And I rather call you a Master Narcissist! I must say, you are well above “Elite”. This is exactly what reading is supposed to do: “Make you FEEL something “!

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Thank you iilolii – interesting palindrome you have there.

      1. Love says:

        Did you mean that figuratively Mr. Tudor? I’m not seeing the palindrome. It is not Elite, or Feel , or master narcissist.

        1. HG Tudor says:

          The palindrome was the name.

  11. iilolii says:

    Wow, magnificent ride HG. There could be no other outcome huh?….Too bad because I was ready to give him the ride of his life. πŸ˜‰

    1. Love says:

      Lol naughty girl

  12. Claudia says:

    Tears. I wrote a poem about the sea saw and its oncoming, consequential [dreadful] descent. What goes up, must come down…in the Narcissist relationship.

  13. I like your use of the extended metaphor here, very fitting!

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Thank you.

  14. AH OH says:

    I was the one who would jump off while the other end was in the air.

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