The Pursuit of Revenge


I know you hate me. Your kind are filled with love and then filled with hate. There is no need to deny it. It is a normal reaction for someone like you and one which I entirely endorse and encourage. I know you will try and mask that burning anger that you feel by saying you pity me or that you have nothing but contempt for me but I can see it. Those sensational eyes of yours that once blazed with desire, passion and most of all hope, are now filled with the churning, billowing flames of hatred. Some of you will fight to contain this sensation. You fear that by giving in to this hatred that you will somehow be on a level with me. I can ease your fears in that regard. You are nowhere near my level and nor were you. I placed you far higher than me to begin with. Yes it was artificial and all part of my design but you had no complaint then did you? You did not object or demur when I thrust you skywards and planted you no that pedestal. Of course you did not. Who would? Nobody would and least of all somebody like you. Now you are on your true level, way down below me, cast onto stony ground, broken and shattered. Amazing though isn’t it how you managed to summon such an anger from somewhere. How many times had you said to your confidantes that you felt numb (yes they were reporting back to me). Yet now look at you. A seething, glowering fireball of hatred and it is all directed at me. I adore this.

You want to destroy me. I know you do. You all do. The one before you was exactly the same as the one before was and the one before her. The next one will be just the same,although I do still hold out some hope that she might just be different and somehow avoid the mistakes all those who have gone before have made. I have seen this hatred many times and your desire for revenge is strong. Of course it is. I made it this way. Everything I did as I brought you down low was programmed to cause you to eventually explode into hatred. From elation to despair, through broken to numb. Eventually the switch would be flicked and as puppet master I ignite the fire beneath you which stokes the flames of hatred. Despise me, go on, do it. Send those wicked words towards me. Tell me what a bastard I am. Keep it coming. Pull you hair, wave your fist and stamp your feet. Tell me how you are going to scratch my car. Feels good does it not? Believe me, it feels even better being on the receiving end of your bile and hate. Go on, sit with your friends and plot your revenge, I can feel you all huddled around your cauldron as you try and concoct ways at getting back at me. I feel so powerful knowing you are focussed on seeking retribution. This is what I want. I want to bask in the heat of your anger, I want to be covered in the disgust and distaste that you will spew towards me. I want you scheming, hatching and planning. By hurting you do deeply I plant inside you that overwhelming desire to get even with me. It happens every time and is all part of my master plan to ensure you, my beautiful appliance keep pouring fuel in my direction. I make you seek revenge for in doing so, your planning and ham-fisted execution of the same give me what I want. Fuel. You are blinded with your hatred so that you fail to realise you will not succeed in gaining revenge, not by shouting, spitting and scratching. Oh no, this overload of howling anger is just a banshee of fuel to me. I will twist and shift as I thwart your attempts, laughing at your pathetic efforts to try and get one over on me. This will spur you on as I lead you on yet another merry dance as I continue to take from you exactly what I need. So please, seek your revenge. You will not get it but I will be delighted seeing you try.


54 thoughts on “The Pursuit of Revenge”

  1. Wow, timely, I have planned a break up but I certainly would have easily screwed up and exhibited hateful words to the devil.

  2. So it’s basically like the film I Saw The Devil…hopefully with a lot less gore.

    However, this goes both ways. Narcs also have a burning, devouring need to “win” and to discipline the Supply Source that dared to defy then. Really, this is a zero sum game.

  3. Hi HG,
    You mention hope in the above article and I wondered if what you are hoping for has changed since you started therapy with the good doctors or if writing and interacting on this blog has affected what hope means to you.
    I was asked this week in therapy what I hoped for and what I thought about hope.
    I immediately thought of your last sentence in “Manipulated”

    “Hope dies last”
    That will stay with me forever.

    This is my homework for the week and I came home and looked up the book and I am taking it in to next weeks session.
    I then researched this and was led to Pandora’s box and how hope was left in the box. This has me doing a lot of thinking and debating with people.
    Hope is one thing that got me in the mess I was in and kept me there just like you explain.

  4. It has taken me 3 years to get that all of the evil and cruel actions are plotted by this man. But after reading your blog over the last month you have verified every thing I thought I was being paranoid about. He planned it all. Not that I think he could have planned the last 3 yrs out but that he did everything on purpose to get me to respond. I think I am more mad at myself that I was so duped by this guy for 20 years. I also have really dropped him out of my mind by 80%. I still have 2 children with him and the trouble he has caused my boys keeps me dilegent to keep my children from becoming him. I may still lose but I gave it 150%. Thank you for opening my eyes to this and what I have learned in the last month has been so helpful and better than anything I heard in the last 3 years. I also get that all of the praise and adoration you get from all of us is unlimited fuel for you but truly I don’t even care. Take it as it’s meant. Total appreciation. Happy new year.

  5. Interesting that Narcs feel that everyone wants revenge. Perhaps this is the delusion that they are the center of the universe. Some just want away from them.

    I am sure that some seek revenge for just a moment. I did seek some type of revenge with my short-lived Narc encounter. I sent him a postcard that had a zero on it. He called and asked what it meant. I also wanted to shoot him in the face, but of course, I did not. HG helped with not going further in my revenge.

    I have only retaliated on one POS that caused havoc in his life. I cost him his job as a casino manager. This was in the mid 90’s. I am very pleased of my manipulation of causing such an upset in his life.

    Keying a car is childs play at this stage. I would say that superglue does so much more damage.

  6. Always setting things up as it seen from a child’s view, to continue what they believe to be true. Of the world around them and themselves.

    To touch, yet to never feel
    To feel, yet never touch

    Always alone, yet never alone
    Fearless, yet fear everything

    Protection in the form of self isolation
    Surrounded by everyone.

    For a child to see love and care given to one yet receive none. Seeds of anger, envy, and jealousy are planted. As they grow they take on a life of there own to become…..

  7. I am quite amused at this timely post. Its not really revenge but as I am posting this I am gaslighting and triangulating with his wife, an ex that hoovered me pre-Christmas. My own Christmas “Fuel” log.

    1. You’re doing the gaslighting and triangulation, NA? If so, good for you. I have never taken revenge. Not because I’m righteous, pious or any of that nonsense. I just don’t have the dedication or commitment, and it seems like too much effort. I rather be chasing butterflies.
      BUT… The universe has dropped a sweet opportunity on my lap: My ex narc’s handsome son. I think this young man has some built up resentment towards daddy. I would be remiss if I didn’t indulge him. For now, I’m taking it slow, conducting a cost benefit analysis. But who knows, should the time come when sonny needs a shoulder to ‘cry’ on, maybe I will there to provide him that and then some.
      And of course it will be interesting to find out what he has inherited from daddy.

      1. Hi LOVE

        Yes I’ve been naughty. I play an online game with chat. The ex N always played as well but I would decline his invitation to play when I wanted to piss him off ( he will try repeatedly and then the texts and notifications from other media start which I ignore). Anyway- his wife plays also and usually shes in the same room playing him when hes playing me. He has no idea that I have known she plays all along and that I figured out who she is ( no small feat as she doesnt use his name). So I play her and we chat lol. When he hoovered pre-Christmas I accepted a game and hes been behaving so far. Last night the 3 of us were playing ( remember they are in the same room but neither knows they are both playing me) I strike up conversation with her and she tells me they are going on vacation. So I chat to him its been a hard year is he getting away for a vacation? He says no his daughters wedding tapped him. I say oh I thought you always went away. He is confused and says not this year. I chat to her and she tells me Jan and the date. I say to him: you told me Jan. He says: I did? I reply yes Jan later in the month. He says well I usually do but this year Im tapped. It gave me the giggles his outright lying and the picture of them both sitting in front of the telly playing and both speaking with me and his confusion. Anyway……….. So this opportunity with the handsome son is right out of my playbook you naughty girl!!!! I love it as long as you’re safe. You don’t think your ex has put him up to this do you? If you are in no danger ( and that is of great concern to me for you) then it certainly would be delicious to see what he has to offer and to get a little bit of revenge ( even if its only in your mind) with his own DNA and younger self. Ouch!! Lol. Perhaps its enough to just know that you could. If you feel so inclined to share what you decide you know where to find me………….I’ll be dusting off your spot on the naughty bench next to me.


      2. Oh wow that’s rich! You can get all your info from the wife and use it against him. How smart of you for discovering her identity! Does she know about your relationship with him (not your character online)? Maybe you can start planting seeds of doubt about him in her head.
        The narc I’m speaking of is a mid range somatic – so harmless in my book. The most that can happen is I shatter his ego because I wouldn’t allow him to come to my place but I allow his son. And I tell him how incredible his son is. 😁 The part that makes it even more juicy is his son is estranged from him. He doesn’t want daddy in his life. Though daddy consistently hoovered him throughout our relationship.

      3. You think mid range is harmless? For me it got so bad I wanted to tear my own brain out. Mine was Elite, but I don’t know, does it make that much of a difference?

      4. Echo, I think the type of narc makes a BIG difference. Somatics are idiots. Be they lesser or mid. If they are hassling you, just put a mirror in front of them and they’ll forget everything. Mine was passive and sulked. I would love to see him blow and show me his fury. Unfortunately being a mid, he is a coward and will do nothing but seek sympathy elsewhere. Of course I will be smeared amongst his friends… I probably already have been. But I don’t give a F*CK about those simpletons anyway.

      5. My Narc was Somatic…”Somatics are idiots. Be they lesser or mid. If they are hassling you, just put a mirror in front of them and they’ll forget everything.” 😂

        I wish it was that easy! But playing them against their own vanity does work, very well.

      6. Oh I see. I’m picturing something like a beefcake who turns into a crybaby then…
        Rather than the intelligent, sensual man who rocked my world physically and also manipulated my mind and behavior in subtle, passive aggressive ways.
        Eventually he revealed himself as a petulant child who ran away when called out on his shit, rather than the almost god like figure he came to be.

      7. Yes Echo, it is quite a shame when they break down and turn mortal, losing their God like status in our eyes.
        My mid somatic was a sulking beefcake child who could not accept aging.

  8. “It feels even better being on the receiving end of our bile and hate”?
    Are you merely returning to what is familiar and comfortable which is the dynamic created by MatriNarc?

  9. Hi HG.
    I understand everything is about the fuel.
    However, in (attempting) to get us to hate/exact revenge on one of your kind, is this also self-justification of how you treated us as we are now being horrible to you confirming that you are unworthy of being loved? A self-fulfilling prophecy?

      1. Thankyou, I appreciate the honesty.
        I would like to know the psychological impact for one of your kind if the victim did not go this path. I don’t mean you having to fuel elsewhere or healing the wound of criticism or blaming the appliance for malfunctioning but the actual psychological impact & if it allowed any kind of hope or alike for yourselves to manifest but I guess that would vary between N’s & where they are on their own journey. I pray that it does.

  10. I am so guilty of this of late. I’ve been so angry and hateful, texting my ex vile things about him. I feel bad after, not for what I said, but more so that I have stooped to his level. After I do this, he uses them agsinst me saying im crazy and an unfit mother, that I must be on drugs to do such a thing. I was so good for6 months. I ignored all his hoovers and felt like I was healing and finally free…. But suddenly my anger got the best of me. I’m not texting him any vile things any more. Ive commited to ignore him and stone wall him every time we have any contact. God I wish we did not have kids together. I just realized how he has been gaslighting me constantly and I didn’t even know it this time around. I feel broken and sad all over again.

    1. i understand the kids part….keeps u trapped and forced to be in their world.
      but….im learning…it’s possible to be free-er….. take a breath and let it go.
      no contact as much as possible. less is more.

  11. LOVE

    No she does not know about me as far as I know. I know there are others also and I do wonder if she knows but doesnt care. I suspect he is a closeted gay and Im sure she gets the lifestyle without the sex so she may be happy enough just to not know. I would never tell her or hint to her for that reason amongst others. They have lived together for at least 12 years but only married for the last 2. I asked him why he married her and he said: I dont know. Maybe she hinted I better or get lost. I just gave up-no balls. ( haha sure sure).

    So is son Narcky at all? Estranged could be either polar opposites or too much alike. My brother is a carbon copy of StepNarc in looks and behaviour but they could not be in the same room together. But then again fuel is fuel so thats probably why your ex hoovers his son. Its an interesting situation for you to be in for sure.

    1. I’m not sure if the son is a narc. I suspect he isn’t. But all the more reason to find out. He also doesn’t know I’m his daddy’s ex. I have to lay my plans out very carefully because I don’t want sonny to get hurt, if he’s good soul.

      1. Is your narc a victim narc? Just asking because she would kick him out if he didn’t marry her.

      2. LOVE
        I should know the answer. I have read sitting target (more than once) and im still confused. He’s a hodge-podge. Some things I cant say definitively because his behaviour can be because he is married and because of his job. His job is high profile, deals with media,and requires intelligence, he works out 5 days a week (verified as I know someone who goes to his gym). It shows for someone his age and he loves to show it (he wanted me to see immediately which was a red flag). He insisted immediately the roles of Goddess and Slave and indeed enjoys pain and service and to be talked down to be but cannot “complete the transaction” easily. I suspect he is closeted gay for a few reasons. He put much effort into pursuing and love-bombing me and is always searching for new appliances (i know for a fact but he denies) which does not fit with the victim lack of energy description. There were times in my presence that he turned from a strutting braggart to a small fidgety child unable to look me in the eye and say things like you’re a very strong woman. I wanted to say mid-range somatic at first but then there are some victim traits. Health conscious and says he makes his own food and does his own cleaning (but who knows if thats true). Does charity events (again energy) theres more but I cant remember right now but I still cant place him.

      3. My somatic cried victim often. Everybody and everything did him wrong. His lieutenants played violin in the background.
        Mr. Tudor says it is a general narc trait meant to obtain fuel.

  12. Revenge is ultimately rather pointless for me. Whenever I have lashed out I always wind up feeling guilty and apologizing for it later.
    Better to just try to focus on what I need to do for myself and my own long term well-being, not immediate gratification that I’ll just wind up regretting. But it is hard when you tend to have a smart mouth like I do sometimes.
    Fantasizing about elaborate scenarios where I get to be the one to feel big is fun and all, but again, better to put that effort into actual healing and growth. Could consider that revenge in and of itself.

    1. Indeed Echo and as I have made mention before, Revenge as per my book is not always the way forward for some people and instead it is as you have written.

      1. Yes, thank you HG. Very true. I read your book and while they weren’t things I’d do, there was still valuable info about the construct and pillars. Even if a person isn’t trying to seek revenge, It is worth reading.

      2. Hmm. Did that come out wrong?
        I’m worried it sounded condescending and I earned myself a time out.
        Now you got me second guessing, HG! Of course in here things are educational, so if i applied it irl what would be the proper response to another narc? I can’t control how you perceive my comments, so ignore the reaction?
        But it was meant to be read as thank you for replying to my comment, and that I agreed, you’re right it’s not the best path for everyone. As well as encouraging others to read the book even if they aren’t seeking that type of thing, because there’s still a lot you can learn from it.
        Yeah. I did a lot of this with the last narc. Left to my own devices I just spin. He must have had so much fun watching me.

  13. Bruised, I disagree. Everyone can be pushed to their limits and hate, even though they might suppress it. Some would say every person is for sale. We only need to know the right price.

    1. Colette I don’t agree, hatred is just suppressed anger. If you hold tight to anger it evolves into hatred. If you let it run its course and move through it, I don’t believe you develop a hatred for what or who caused it.
      It is just an emotion you choose to water and grow.
      Anger becomes hatred

    2. I have to agree with Colette and bruised on this one. I don’t feel hatred towards anyone. I used to, towards my mother and sister especially.

      I’m not really sure what happened but I don’t anymore ? It’s just a waste of energy.

      I’d much rather learn from my lessons and see how I can use it to change me.

      1. Put simply, anger is a noun. It is something you feel. Same thing with Depression, happiness, joy. These are emotions, feelings, and nouns. They are something that you feel. Hate, on the other hand, is something you think. Anger is a feeling. Hate is a thought process.
        Empaths experience a wide range of feelings and emotions. Narcs do not. When feeling angry and pushed to the limit, sometimes they allow themselves to hate, sometimes they suppress those thoughts because they feel guilty about having negative thoughts.


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