Secrets

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Do you remember when you were at school and your friends all appeared to know something that you did not? They gave each other knowing looks, made sideways references to “this thing” and smiled and giggled. Unsettling wasn’t it? You asked them to tell you, you pleaded and you may even have become upset or angry, threatening your friends with some repercussion if they did not tell you what it was that they knew. Usually it was nothing. Just a device devised to play a game with you, to provoke a reaction, to cause you to react and it worked. Then you were in on the secret and you could join in and play it against the next unsuspecting individual. Nevertheless, you did not like that sensation of not knowing did you? Few people do. How many times when someone has gone missing, have anguished people declared,

“It’s the not knowing which really gets to you.”

The apprehension you experience when you wait to receive your examination results. You know you studied hard during the year, carried out the revision in the right way and you felt the examination went well, but you can never be sure can you, it is the lack of knowing which gnaws away at you until you receive the result.

Waiting for some test results concerning your health causes anxiety and concern. Even if it is bad news, once you have those results you can then take action, make plans and formulate a way forward but whilst you do not know, you are stuck, paralysed and frozen. It is an unpleasant sensation at best and an utterly debilitating one at worst.

You do not like secrets. We thrive on them.

So much of what we are is a secret. We are like a series of chests, compartments and vaults in which various secrets have been placed. Some have been placed there with the intention of never being revealed, either to you or even to ourselves. Others are those secrets about what we really are or what we actually do and we close the lid, slam the door shut and turn the key in the hope that you do not find them out and expose us for what we truly are. We do not want you to find out that the honey-coated façade is just that as you open a dark box and find the full horror of our true behaviour lurking inside. The past behaviours and historic actions are consigned into the depths of archive storage to prevent you from knowing what we really did to our ex-partner, what was said to our brother that has meant we have not spoken in ten years or the catalogue of infidelities that we engaged in. If you were ever allowed admission to those dark corridors you would pass the vaults, chests and caskets into which the secrets of our kind have been placed. Wife-beater, alcoholic, smack head, fraudster, closet homosexual, expenses fiddler, serial cheater, elder abuser, fence, conman, contemptor of court, distant parent, liar, convict, tax fraud, cross-dresser, sexual degenerate and so much more besides. Many secrets, some which you may eventually look upon, so many you may never know about. So many secrets hidden away, pushed into the recesses, concealed and secreted so that prying eyes do not learn the truth of what we say and do.

Yet, our secrecy goes further than that. We delight in letting you know that we have some kind of secret in order to exert control over you. We revel in giving you a glimpse of something but then pulling it from view. We engage in half-comments, low whispers and veiled comments in order to pique your interest but then we relish withholding the full tale. We take pleasure in these insignificant mysteries that cause you to question and probe. After all, we do know how you behaved when you were so much younger and how the sensation of not being able to know troubles you. It troubles you and your kind more than others. Like the older boy at school, we have snatched your lunch money and now hold it above your head, almost in reach as you hop and jump, frustration increasing as you attempt to recover it. You want to get hold of what it is that we know so you can satisfy your own need to know. We recognise this and therefore engage in the playing of games where we suggest, hint, partially reveal and allude to so that your interest is gained. We tease as we make oblique references to something in the expectation that you will bite. We will sit staring into space, cultivating the appearance of depth and intrigue as you observe us and wonder what we are thinking about. You will of course ask and we will give you some cryptic response which as you pondering and probing further. Whatever we told you is nothing to do with what we were actually thinking about. We may have been admiring the view from the window, we might have been wondering how the match would turn out and most likely we were considering which of the growing stable of prospects to message next. Instead we will trot out some comment or line which gives the appearance of us being pre-occupied with some weighty matter, something possibly beyond the wit of you, something which makes us appear mysterious and heavyweight. The intrigue adds to the allure but it also plays to your desire to need. The keeping back of information, the withholding of knowledge, the cloak and dagger routine is all part of the act. The true secrets will never be revealed to you. The secret we allude to is non-existent. It is just a device to control you. It is a means of keeping you bound to us, asking, wondering and probing. The half-answers and titbits are there to confuse, bewilder and cause your anxiety. The mysterious murmurs, the ponderous gaze and the comments to ourselves which you can only partially hear are mere ruses. They are to give us the appearance of depth when it is lacking. The creation of so many apparent secrets is to keep you away from the real secrets by leading you in a different direction and to make us appear deep and of substance. We look to snatch your consideration and scrutiny and make it belong to us instead.

The playing of secrecy continues after the cessation of our formal relationship. Always when you have been discarded and often even when you escape, how many times are your night bedfellows not some other person but the ghosting questions of how, what, why, when and where? You are given no answers as to what has happened and this is when the secrecy takes on the greatest significance as we have entered you into the maze where you try to find a way through it in order to understand how we could have done what we did, what on earth happened to you, why did we do those things, when will we come back and where did it all go wrong? We condition you throughout your dance with us to be intrigued by us, to wonder, to speculate, to pontificate and so forth so that it builds and builds until when we cast you to one side you can do nothing but keep wanting to learn our secrets, to open those doors, to slide back the bolts and open the portals, to raise the lids and lift the covers. This keeps you coming back to us, it keeps you hanging on in the hope that one day there will be a momentous reveal and it will all make sense. You wait in the expectation that all the secrets of this person that you still love will be revealed to you. But it never happens. Not by him or her. The unmasking comes from another place.

It is now no secret that you have the key to the narcissistic universe in your hands now.

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14 thoughts on “Secrets”

  1. And my mother dealt in secrecy like it was a drug…she got high on it, and as a child I was honored when she let me in on a secret. Of course she’d erupt in rage if I ever had a secret from her, wanting to know “where did you learn to keep secrets?!” I learned from you, Mom, and it’s a big secret (that everyone else is in on) that I didn’t really quit cigs like I told you I did.

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  2. After the illusion wears off and the mask has fallen. The half truths and lies lack the power that ensnared us. What we believed in and were conditioned to …and that’s no secret. Only the truth with set you free!

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  3. Today I was taken by surprise. I was walking in the park near my house after days being confined to bed with a flue, and NO contact whatsoever with him…. I heard my name called out loudly.. I turned and there he was… he came looking for me.. I know he was already in town yesterday searching me. My heart stopped .. i was shocked today.. it was unexpected.. and that is why i fell for his plea to ”talk’. At first after the immediate shock I yelled : ‘go away” ..but instead running home i went up to were I knew he would followed me.. and sat on a bench..you can imagine the rest of the story.. i stayed listening for 1,30 of his love bombing…lots of tears from him and old promises to the fore… luckily i am not still well and i had to go home.. and leave him behind as the other millions times before..His mysterious seductive charm won again.
    will i ever be able to escape? No.
    I love him regardless..
    please give me some input H G Tudor thank you

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  4. What really gets to me is all the lies. Even after the discard i keep on discovering lies and also because everything is clearer in hindsight. Just for the sake of lying even if telling the truth would make no difference. What is the reason for all the lies?
    By the way I just became undiscarded (lol) today after 4 months. I did all my homework and investigations etc while being discarded because I wanted to make sense of everything. Today as we spoke via text the lies were so evident. Anyway I am going to play his game, take him back, lovebomb him back, then vanish. I have moved so he doesn’t know where to find me and I don’t care about smearing. Will this cause a narcissistic injury? I suspect that he is an upper lesser
    Question 1 Why all the lying
    Question 2 Will escaping/ disappearing during lovebombing have an impact on him?

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  5. I likes that (your last sentence ) of course all is intriguing but those last words sent chills through me I can’t thank you enough for sharing you all secrets , H.G. thank you 😊, thank you .. thank you! 🌹

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  6. “You wait in the expectation that all the secrets of this person that you still love will be revealed to you. But it never happens. Not by him or her. The unmasking comes from another place.

    It is now no secret that you have the key to the narcissistic universe in your hands now.”

    Answers always come from another place, it’s being patient and waiting for them.
    YOU were worth the wait.

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    1. Yet he means a lot to many for different reasons as to each of our experiences may be the same on the outside, yet the effects are very unique to each one of us and he is able to adjust and bring enlightenment to those who are willing to listen to what he is saying.

      I do hope I have not offended you Elaine Baylis-Slade he really does mean that much to me (shown in a monetary value) and he knows just how long I have waited. I do fully understand who and what he is, I am far from delusional. I maybe an empath and ruled by emotions but the Greater I was with taught me many things and one thing is just how strong I really am. He was my best friend and enemy, my chaos and beauty all wrapped up. He was also my destroyer and dropped me on HGs doorstep, unbeknownst him he gave me the greatest gift in that moment, he gave me to the one that has freed me.

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      1. Well said, Twilight, the Greater in my life did the same for me and I thank God every day that he did.

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      2. Thank you BH
        To love the wolf means you accept he is wild and not domesticated and will not behave in the same manner.

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