Your Contentment

YOUR CONTENTMENT

 

Granting you contentment is part of our design when we seduce you and grant you the golden period. The provision of your contentment at that juncture in our entanglement provides the luscious positive fuel to flow in our direction and all is well. We truly do delight in seeing you content with the illusion that we have woven for you. It is when you and us move into the stages of devaluation and discard that we regard your state of contentment in a wholly different manner,

During devaluation if we witness you appearing content, we are overcome with jealousy. Why should you be allowed to sit there satisfied, happy and relaxed? Why do you not suffer the repeated unease of the desire to gain fuel when those supplies become low? We look across the room at you, your features composed in an expression of peace. The envy rises and we despise the fact that you are sat in pleasant repose, seemingly all at ease with the world. We invariably associate that your composed appearance is achieved in order to annoy and frustrate us. You know don’t you? You know that we have this churning fury inside us which shifts and slides. You know that we have the growing hunger for fuel and how this creates a restlessness in us. You know all of this and yet you sit there, revelling in our discomfort. If you cared you would not be enjoying that book, talking on the ‘phone to a friend or watching your favourite television programme. No, if you loved us properly then you would be ensuring that this restlessness was banished and that our sense of power and might was reinstated. Your content state is being bandied about in front of us, teasing and provoking. You are mocking us because you are achieving something that is denied to us at that time. How dare you behave in this manner? How dare you forget about our needs? This is symptomatic of the selfishness we knew you possessed and now you wave it in our faces suggesting that somehow we are inferior to you. This will not do.

Your contentment at this stage amounts to a provocation and is tantamount to a criticism of us. You have achieved contentment whilst we experience restlessness and you know this don’t you? Oh, we know that you will pretend to be unaware of what you are doing, but we know your game. We are not fooled by these protestations of innocence so when we fling the dinner plate to the floor, shattering the plate and silence, causing you to jump up in fright, you knew it was coming. The plate lies broken and your contentment in one swift move is similarly smashed. You are not allowed to be content unless it is by our say so. We want you on tenterhooks, your nervous eyes looking to us for approval and consent. Exhibit any sign of being relaxed, at ease or content and we will take action to destroy that state in an instant. We will pick a fight, create an argument, call you a name, break something, interrupt you with an insult walk out and slam the door and so many other actions all designed to remove you from your contented position. When we see you like that, you remind us of what we cannot achieve at that time and we hate you for it.

It becomes worse when the relationship has ended. Whether you escaped us or we discarded you, there will come a point when we turn our sights on you again in order to extract that wonderful hoover fuel. It may be weeks or months later but we will have been undertaking observations in order to determine the most effective way of hoovering you. If we see you getting on with your life, radiating happiness and an air of contentment it infuriates us hugely. How dare you seem happy without us? You are meant to be broken and distraught, that is how the aftermath is supposed to be. Admittedly, it usually is, but every so often we may find that one of our victims has seized the power and advanced his or her position, forging through the emotion and formulating their recovery. It may be the case that we have seen you on one of the few good days, the bad days taking place where the world cannot see, but that does not matter to us. Should we witness you looking well, smiling, having lost weight, or looking fitter, dressing elegantly, meeting friends with laughter and smiles it wounds us considerably. You seem to have forgotten us. You are bound to us, forever, have you forgotten that this is the case? You are at our beck and call until the day either of us breathes our last, yet here you are striding across the street, hair glossy and styled, posture confident and uplifted and meeting somebody with a kiss and a broad smile. This was not meant to happen. You exude contentment, a confidence that we thought was shattered and unlikely to be rebuilt for some time. How did this happen? Who has caused this transformation from the sobbing wretch we left without so much as a goodbye to the contented person we now look at from the shadows? It may be a one-off, it may be a glimpse of something that is a work in progress, but such considerations do not matter when we see it. We are wounded by this display. You appear to no longer need us. Where is the stooped figure? The haunted individual with dark-circled eyes and pallid skin? Where is the comfort-eater that we mocked so horribly? Where has the lank-haired, nervous shuffling person we tormented gone to? This was not meant to happen. Ever.

Seeing you so content post escape or post discard is a massive criticism to us. The lesser or mid-range of our kind will most likely slink away, regarding this show of strength (temporary even though it may be) as evidencing somebody with defences high and radar warily sensitive. Any hoover would be doomed to failure and might even result in further injurious harm. No, the lesser or mid-range will retreat and return to the new prospect that has been acquired and other sources of fuel and make a mental note that a hoover at this juncture is unlikely to meet with success. The Greater of our kind will seethe and glower, dismayed and wounded by this peacock performance. Unseen, we will send baleful glares your way as we formulate a way to pierce this shield of contentment. Schemes will be concocted once again in order to hammer this contentment into nothingness. The Greater may, if sufficiently motivated, spring forward and unless malign actions for the purpose of drawing negative fuel, preferring to adopt such a tactic rather than seek to draw the target back in. It is time to lash out and destroy rather than capture. Our fury is ignited and our calculating minds will ascertain that this can only be a veneer. It is far too soon for you to appear to content again, no matter how much it appears genuine. We want to halt the recovery before it gathers any more momentum and thus the Greater will unleash a savage malign hoover, smearing and hurling insults, dredging up those historic vulnerabilities in order to break the contentment again, just as we did those many months ago during devaluation. The ignited fury drives the Greater forward to shatter, break and destroy and if successful, then he or she knows that further malign assaults can be rolled out to cripple the recovery. Once the recovery has been derailed, the contentment eradicated and the veneer of confidence stripped, then the golden period can be dangled again before the quivering victim.

It never does to see you contented. This is why when we see it during devaluation you will suffer an adverse reaction. Following the cessation of the relationship it wounds us considerably and will generate a certain response dependent on the type of our kind that you were entangled with. The maintenance of contentment is indeed a blow against us.

1+
Advertisements

63 thoughts on “Your Contentment”

  1. As always-spot on. He’d be sat watching tv while I did jobs and then I’d sit down with a book (I’m not a lover of tv) and he would complain that I thought more of my books than I did him! Or I would be working sat next to him whilst he was playing on his ipad and he would complain that all I thought about was work and I was neglecting him. Crazy shit.

    0
  2. Why does this whole racket make us seem like the narcs where we see you move on, all content, and we are devastated as well? How is it that different? As someone said, you eat a sandwhich and watch us drown. While we quiver in rage and anguish as you waltz off.

    Sometimes, this gets too confusing.

    0
    1. Sarabella,
      I am confused too! I posted something mine emailed to me about wanting me to find every happiness. Just another lie I suppose.

      0
  3. The ironic thing is that thanks to you Mr. Tudor I have not been this contented and at peace in ages. Knowing that it causes wounding to the Ex Narc is just a lovely added bounus :))

    0
  4. Hi HG,
    You state: “When we see you like that, you remind us of what we cannot achieve at that time and we hate you for it.” When you say, “At that time” -does that mean you are able to achieve a sense on contentment? Are your kind able to relax?
    Magnificent article! It’s genius HG how you are able to zero in on all the facets of a narcissist -most importantly, you show us how you think behind the mast and without the mask. I know I have never found or seen that before. You are the first and only one to do this and certainly a very gifted writer- one of a kind.
    Thank you so much! Every article, every book, takes away one layer at a time (like peeling an onion) of the pain and bewilderment. Whenever I think that if I had not found this site and your books I could have been in that state of mind the rest of my life. Never knowing the “why’s” of what my ex did to me.
    Thank you doctor!

    0
  5. It is the anxiety of how to deal with him rearing his head again in the future, as he surely will, that would lead me to have a consultation with you HG.

    I did ask you a while back but havent seen any reply – sorry if you have answered this elsewhere…I’ve not come across it if so: Is there any way you would look to establish how dangerous one of “your kind” might be? Obviously a many faceted thing but are there any determining factors to consider that, should they culminate, would result in something diabolical being done?

    0
    1. This is one of those questions which is really best answered in the context of the situation for the individual, with information about the behaviours of the narcissist, the current situation and so forth as there are numerous factors which apply to the level of danger. Of course it also depends on the nature of the victim as well. Some people handle different forms of abuse more robustly than others and therefore their categorisation of what amounts to dangerous is subjective. There are certain combinations of circumstance which are far more dangerous than others and to try to detail them all here would take a very long time.
      In a broad brush manner, The Lesser is more likely to engage in sexual and physical assaults along with property damage as a knee-jerk ignition of fury. The response is unsophisticated, like a blunt instrument. The Mid-Ranger is less likely to engage in direct confrontation and instead rely on silent treatments, smearing and ostracisation, with a degree of potential for involving someone else to dole out unpleasant behaviour on their behalf. The Greater is unlikely to react in the instant (although not always) and instead strike at some future an opportune point, in a variety of differing ways, with nothing off limits, if so deemed necessary.

      0
      1. Thank you for such a comprehensive reply HG. I understand why detail would be needed to get a clearer idea. Whatever my ex is, it is the last scenario that is his style. It bothers me.

        0
      2. He knows I know what he is, I told him when he left. He wouldn’t admit it obviously.

        He knows I know of other people who also saw his dark side (so it can’t only me who can be singled out and painted the mad one).

        I know he is known to the police (although I don’t know why).

        I eventually stood up to him and said I wouldn’t allow him to bully me or our family any longer.

        He sneered when I said this. I know that sneer. He is biding his time.

        0
      3. Sorry if my trying not to be too specific makes it difficult.

        In the context of…if he knows I know what he is and what he is capable of, would he be more inclined to leave me alone to preserve his facade. Broad brush obviously.

        0
      4. Quite alright, I am just trying to convey that I prefer to provide an accurate response to questions such as this and it is difficult because there are so many variables.

        In broad brush terms, he may well leave you alone to preserve the facade but also the fact that since you know what he can do (and he knows that) this threat works just as well as him actually carrying out the actions he is capable of.

        0
      5. Thank you HG and yes his threats are indeed where much of his control always lay.

        You’ve seen my other replies haven’t you (still in moderation and perhaps that’s where they should stay) that perhaps convey the level of mindfu**ery his abuse had resulted.

        I will continue to think on having a consultation but thank you in the meantime for the info you’ve given me so far.

        0
      6. There’s this one thing I said to him a long time ago. Everything about the moment sticks in my mind. In saying what I did, I voiced my greatest fear. It would be an event that I would have no power over but it is something that i am sure he could bring into effect. Just to hurt me and cause me more pain than I could probably withstand.

        I hate that he has that over me. I hope he forgets it. I know of course that he won’t. It will be stored in his mind for use if he deems necessary one day.

        Can I reverse it somehow?

        0
      7. Good to know.

        And am i right in thinking I’d learn how by arranging a private consultation with you?

        0
      8. If you wish to use that option, yes. The consultations provide me with the ability to garner much more information from you and also to allow me to convey more information to you and establish that you understand it as well, thus they are a much more productive way of dealing with some of the more detailed elements of the dynamic and of course the detailed personal situations of people.

        0
      9. Hi VFH, may I just pop my 2 bobs worth in…I would highly recommend a consultation if it is possible for you. It’s all tailored around your own personal experience and therefore eliminates many ‘grey areas’ that may arise during just reading the books/articles.

        0
      10. Hi KCN (liking the new name btw), i appreciate you replying and thank you for letting me know that. I’ve also seen other posters positive comments about it too. I’m slightly paranoid still (perhaps more than slightly…) and it’s this that is mainly holding me back for now.

        I’m so glad to hear you have clearly benefitted from it though!

        0
  6. If a provocation happens at home it is because of this reason?

    In a previous article a mid-range launched an attack because he felt his girlfriend was not paying attention to him at an event,
    So, is the attack at home because of contentment or not paying enough attention?

    0
    1. Provoking someone at home may occur because it is the follow-up to wounding. The narcissist kept control to avoid damage to the facade in public and then unleashes the fury behind closed doors. It might be done at home because there has been a fresh wounding there and then.

      0
  7. So your kind does NOT want us to be happy or content? So when mine says this, (copied from an email)….

    “I have a great desire for you to find the truest, richest happiness available to all humankind…”

    He said this (and variations of it) quite frequently!

    This is just another lie isn’t it? Just when one thing makes sense something else comes along and confuses me again. Meh.

    0
      1. Wow. Just….damn. And here I was taking it to be genuine. Thank you for clarifying. Yep noble and caring indeed. Funny you should choose those words. (I guess it takes a narc to know a narc!) 😉

        I lost count of the number of times he would say stuff like “I am trying to do the noble thing here….” and “You are very noble to give me space when I ask for it….” Always priding himself in being Mr. Nice Guy. Even when he was saying hurtful things to me or projecting and blaming and all of that he worded it all in the most sugar coated delivery he possibly could, making it look like he was giving me advice or helping me.

        So if I am to understand, he gets positive fuel by seeing or knowing I am miserable and he gets negative fuel by seeing me happy? And positive fuel for pretending he wants me to be happy? Or am I just overthinking this?

        0
      2. No, he gains positive fuel from your positive responses to him. Negative fuel from your negative responses. Read Fuel, it is all in there.

        0
    1. Gabrielle, please note how utterly grandiose and cliched those words are. I don’t even know the guy but if I received an email from anybody with that kind of ridiculous sentence, I would immediately suspect they were a Narc. These people are ridiculous. They’re like failing actors from low-budget films who are desperately auditioning for a role at a casting call with you. Are you gonna buy it? We instinctively know that there’s something very “off” about them from the start but because we’re empaths we give them the benefit of the doubt and believe them. We only say emotional stuff that we mean, so why shouldn’t they? But once you start to recognize the signs of these frauds, they’re super easy to spot. That sentence he wrote made me LOL btw.

      0
      1. High octane fuel- lol right on. They’re losers. What I think of when I think of men in their 30s still living in their mothers basement.

        0
      2. High Octane Fuel,
        Oh I could write a book and title it “Quotes of My Mid Range Cerebral Narcissist”…hahahaha (as HG has identified him as that type of Narc due to our email consult)…

        How could I have been so stupid in thinking he actually had an intelligent decent personality? Someone unique and different. The opposite of some people when I try and have a normal conversation and they stare blankly and cannot comprehend things. Whether it was real or fake one thing I do miss is our conversations. Even when he was not sputtering out giant vocabulary words or analyzing some situation (or me) I really did enjoy discussions with him. But I am guessing all that was part of the fake illusion too right?

        Since I was able to make you LOL with that quote here is another direct copy and paste from something else he emailed me. It was when he told me he felt that we needed a “break” from one another.

        “You know in your heart that our affair is wrong, and that it is unhealthy. With that goal in mind, the goal of relieving your emotional security of it’s dependence on me, I am the unstoppable force pressing against the temporarily immovable object of your obsession.”

        Now I consider myself to be of average intelligence but I had to re-read that several times before I could figure out what the hell he was saying. Basically he is saying he feels I am obsessed with him and this is a fancy way of saying so?

        And where is this “fury” everyone speaks of? I do not think I have seen it. Even when he was blaming me for stuff and shifting it all back on me he did so with the charming delivery, vast vocabulary and his all around nice guy attitude.

        I bet the wife is subjected to the fury. Damned if I ever saw that being his toy on the shelf and all.

        0
      3. High Octane Fuel,

        I had a reply typed out to you and it after I sent it I got an error message and it disappeared. So I will retype it again. I feel ridiculous that I was even attracted to his “intelligence”, large vocabulary and the way he presented himself. It is a shame that it was all so fake. But his comment that made you LOL was from an email he sent me telling me that we needed a break from one another, that our relationship was wrong. If you want to laugh at it some more here is another quote from it.

        “You know in your heart that our affair is wrong and that it is unhealthy. With that goal in mind, the goal of relieving your emotional security of its dependence of me, I am the unstoppable force pressing against the temporarily immovable object of your obsession.”

        Now I consider myself to be of average intelligence but I had to re-read that a few times. Basically it’s a “grandiose” way saying I am obsessed with him. LOL.

        Even while he was blaming me and making me feel guilty and everything else he did so in such an “intelligent way”, so full of charm, big words and his all around nice guy personality.

        On another note, where is this “fury” I hear of? I do not think I have seen it. All I see is the “Nice Guy”. I bet he saves the fury for his wife. How can I possibly see it all when I was just a toy on the shelf for him to play with?

        0
      4. Joanne,
        He is 32 but not parents basement. House with his wife and young daughter. He never finished school and he has a front desk job at a doctor’s office. I am fairly certain he stays with his wife as she takes care of him. Financially among many ways.

        0
    2. The quotes from the emails are hilarious, I guess it’s not a laughing matter for you. But from the outside looking in, the grandiosity is amazing.

      0
      1. No worries, Brian. I always try to find the humor in a situation, even if the underlying issue is upsetting. I just feel ridiculous for actually thinking he was an intelligent individual. I find that now I am starting to recall or more and more things he said. At the time he said them I thought nothing of them and just kind of attributed it to a regular conversation or whatnot. Now I am remembering these things and a light bulb is going off in my head like “Duh”. Do you know what I mean?

        Reflecting for a moment on his “fake” intelligence I recall a phone call we had where he gave me a sob story of an ex-GF from his teenage years and why it did not work out. When I asked why, he said “She told me I was not an intelligent person”. Of course at the time I was all “What? How silly? You are one of the most intelligent people I have ever known”. Of course before I knew what he was I actually thought that.

        Ahhh the constant reminders of how I was suckered.

        Anyway I have no issue with you laughing at the emails. Hey if I can make someone else laugh, that is a good thing! 🙂

        0
      2. It’s good to share this stuff, it’s validating to hear an example that is similar to what I’ve had said to me 😉

        0
      3. Brian,
        I posted another hilarious one to MLA Clarece in another post….with more of those “big words”….please allow me to re-find it to share it here with you.

        Him: “Will you suffer a phone call from me in about 15 minutes?”
        Me: “Suffer? Wow that sounds a bit extreme!”
        Him: “It’s an Elizabethan expression. I like to theatricalize my verbiage”
        Me: “Feel free to theatricalize whatever you would like…”
        Him: “Well thank you my darling girl. I shall do just that!”
        Me: “Okay then…”
        Him: “Well? Do you want to talk to me or not?”
        Me: “You know I want to talk to you. Do you want to talk to me?”
        Him: “Of course I do!”
        Me: “Or are you just projecting your feelings onto me?”
        Him: “Ooooh that is not going to work on me. I am impervious to psychological analysis!”

        After all he put me through…that text message exchange still makes me laugh my ass off. But now I am just laughing my ass off in a different way. Which is now laughing AT him rather than with him. 🙂

        0
      4. lol ‘theatricalize my verbiage’.
        I could tell he was being self effacing and ‘disarming’ but it just came across as kinda cringey.
        If I didn’t know about narcissism i’d be like come one give him another chance, he sounds harmless but just a little awkward. But now I’d be like he is just trying to lower your defences so next strike will be more damaging 😉

        0
      5. Oh this was before he discarded me. I haven’t heard from him in 2 months. Not since coming here and learning who he is. I’m nervous what he will say if he ever hoovers someday. I’m LD and DLR so I doubt he will but ya never know.

        0
  8. So this is what it is all about..
    Well, I hope you realize by studying us that this isn’t true. We do not mock you, nor do we know how you feel internally, that you are so unhappy. More so, we cannot imagine, as most of your empath guests here show with each and every comment, that the opposite is true. We are here because we care. If we had an inkling about your inner battles, we would seek to remedy it a long time ago.
    This isn’t normal, you were not created like this. This assumes there is a creator, which there isn’t. This is an anomaly. You are ill, dear.

    My sister once said that she cannot understand why I am always so optimistic, with an advise to me to be cautious, that too much optimism is bad, and how come I am able to stand all the life’s disappointments, and head for more. Without them, I wouldn’t be who I am today.
    Yes, we are content, most of the time. It’s natures gift. But we also hurt deeply, when those mirror neurons shatter, or dim. We are also able to feel your pain very distinctly. The mirror neurons reflect the pain and connect it to the rest of the senses, so we feel the same pain you feel, for a short amount of time. This let’s us know how you feel, or any other person we choose to empathize with. We get the idea pretty quickly. Feeling the pain, even for a second, creates an imprint strong enough to propel us to do something about it.
    Yes, nature protects us from too much pain, and we look content because we’re trying hard to fight it, and we get those emotions flooding over it like a painkiller.
    We do not want you to hurt, because we don’t want to feel your pain, like we do.

    0
  9. So, to all empaths out there, recently callously discarded, but with a resilient sense of adventure…

    It’s Friday night, we’re walking -accidentally on purpose- dolled up like we’re straight off a Parisian runway show, with our girlfriends, into the pub we know you frequent after work.

    We-are-radiant! We glide our stilettos by you, pretending not to see you (because HG has told us how much you like that!😅)

    We strategically sit around, so you can only see our smiling profile (can’t afford to lose it by making eye contact). 

    Our “lieutenants” are reporting your repeated looks our way, which rapidly turn to an angry stare, as a handsome man comes to our table, and particularly engages with me. Pity you don’t know he’s the brother of one my gals, playing along (but that would be no fun!)

    We know you are trying to catch a better look of this impostor. Don’t worry, that’s why I have my friend take a  photo of him and I.

    Check us out on my facebook page, where you used to be, you can take a better look now, see!? He’s cute, uh?

    We laugh imagining your fury churning inside and the amount of control you must exercise, to maintain the façade in front of your Coterie. 

    Yes, while you pictured us all depressed post discard, we were actually getting stronger under HG’S shock therapy.

    For one last orchestrated jab, he takes my hand (as instructed), as we head out. I finally deign looking at you, savouring the wound I’ve just inflected.

    Sadly, a small part of me is still magnetically drawn towards you, but that, you’ll never know.

    1+
  10. Lovely. Thank you for confirmation of what I suspect is going on inside of her, while she observes me contentedly glide by her without acknowledgement and excitedly interact with others who are not her. And knowing that these days I look the best I’ve ever looked is just icing on the cake. It’s fun to watch her desperately cling to her low-hanging insecure-and-codependent fruit for supply since that’s all she can score now. Sad. She thought she had the capacity to score the high grade confident-and-secure superempath but it only worked for a mere blip in time till I caught on. Now it’s turning out to be a colossal mistake to have ever attempted it in the first place as it’s resulted in a never-ending, daily reminder of her worthlessness, inferiority, & rejection and further proof of my own superiority. Every day I get stronger, and every day she gets weaker. Karma’s a bitch.

    0
  11. I thought the job was done. He was standing quiet and mute in the garden of relics, letting the light rain ren along the edges, learning the newly acquired shape and then to the ground when the big iron ball hissed through the air to deliver yet more destruction.
    My head tilted a little trying to grasp a funny feeling of sadness and detachment from the unrelenting demolition perpetrated against him as another big chunk cracked and fell off.
    “soon there will be nothing left” said a voice inside.
    How do I feel, I asked myself…. I feel it’s necessary, I replied.

    0
    1. Sorry if I cause offence by asking you this due to misinterpreting what you’ve written…..but….are you a narc then giulia?

      0
  12. No, they do not want to see us happy. It was there even in the beginning. They are envious on every little happy smile, that you show, which is not caused by them. That is in the beginning. I was irritated, but I could not interpret it. He put on the mask very fast again. It was still lovebombing time. Later it was incredible. Each moment I was happy he tried to destroy. Each success was a reason to be envious. Each smile from someone else caused jealousy. There is a strong will to eliminate each single positive feeling inside of us. HG described it very well. Maybe HG is someone who is not interested in the emotional death of his former I…., other narcissists are. They want to see you developing in an empty shell or some kind of emotional Zombie. How many women need long term psychological help afterwards? .

    0
    1. Emotional death is of no use to us, if you are dead (physically or emotionally) you cannot provide is what we need. It is pushing you to within a hair’s breadth of that state which is the skill and then allowing you to recover. Before returning to feast once again.

      0
    2. Good question, Mona. It should have been some kind of clue for me that both of my narc’s former wives and both of his daughters had been in therapy at some time or other.

      0
  13. HG – I respect you and all, but you sounded like a straight up sensitive baby in this one (and many). Like seriously grow up. Does the bs not get old? Sad.

    0
    1. Hi Joanne, I understand where you are coming from but with respect I disagree. I believe HG is telling it how it is and as such he is open to such interpretation but I interpret it as the opposite. He is INsensitive and unempathetic.
      As he is telling it from his own perspective I would like to think that to the victim, yeah the BS does get old and that’s why they and up escaping but as it stands from the narcs point of view the B.S. never does get old because a. That is how their mind works and b. The Bs works and invariably gets them the fuel they need. Why fix something that isn’t broken.

      0

Leave a Reply