The Narcissistic Truths – No. 25

sex-is-another-method-of-control

78 thoughts on “The Narcissistic Truths – No. 25

  1. Geminimom says:

    Windstorm2, Wow! Ok. I get it. And I don’t like that that happened to you or anyone. Gross sheesh. That must not be my narcs choice of fuel. But if I could choose sleep rape over him targeting the kids then that would be better. Not to mention we live with a revolving door never locked and family members in and out and living together. I can’t handle that happening to girls. Breaks my heart.

  2. Siobhan G. says:

    Silk blindfolds,are sexy…especially a tie.
    I have zero sex complaints, other then I couldn’t tell he was faking passion. It really seemed like he enjoyed it as much as I do.

  3. noah80 says:

    of course! How, when, where having sex is established by him, as well as IF have sex or not, IF he would please her or not, and also if he would give her pain. (My Narc dedicated me “Pain is so close to pleasure” by the Queen…it is not a casuality). And every encounter with him has always been permeated by sex.

  4. Geminimom says:

    Sleep rape? Wow! I loved those nights..lol. We were younger and my husband would wake me with kisses all over my face until I woke up. Like an angel waking me out of my sleep. I really enjoyed it. Oh well good thing I didn’t know it was referred to as rape. I never used sex as a tool even when we argued. We were doing it then go back to silence. I don’t understand how someone can be raped and married at the same time. That’s one of the reasons people marry isn’t it? Isn’t there health benefits in sex? To bad I ended up with a monster narc because I’m a fun wife. His poor loss. And during the divorce he still wants to do it. I am aware of him now thanks to this blog.

    1. windstorm2 says:

      I don’t think what your describing is what we are calling sleep rape. I just assumed they were describing my experiences- being awoken from deep sleep by a penis slamming into one of my orifices. Nothing gentle, no kisses, no foreplay of any kind. No way u could stop him. What I thought was unimportant.
      I have always defined rape as when someone forcefully has sex with you and you have no choice – no way to stop it.
      I imagine I’d have enjoyed the gentle love you described as well. Don’t know, though as I never experienced it.

      1. Ms brown says:

        Yes windstorm2, I now see how it’s used as sleep deprivation technique, for further manipulations, control and crazy making. no joy in that…

      2. K says:

        windstorm2 & Ms brown

        One of my clearest memories of sleep rape is hearing the bedroom door slam open and hit the wall, I thought I was dreaming, but then I felt his hand grip my ankle and he yanked me across the bed towards him; he ripped off my underwear and raped me. Within minutes after he was done, he was sound asleep as if nothing had ever happened and I was up the whole night wondering WTF just happened?! The next day I told him I preferred consensual sex, his response was, “You liked it.”

    2. NarcAngel says:

      Gemimimom
      You dont understand how someone can be raped and married at the same time?

      WOW

      I was unaware that people that unevolved still existed.

      Just…………WOW

      1. Indy says:

        Some sobering stats on this(My guess this is an underestimate sadly as it is under reported):

        “Nearly one in 10 women has been raped by an intimate partner in her lifetime, including completed forced penetration, attempted forced penetration or alcohol/drug-facilitated completed penetration. Approximately one in 45 men has been made to penetrate an intimate partner during his lifetime. (b)”
        (b) Breiding, M. J., Chen J., & Black, M. C. (2014). Intimate Partner Violence in
        the United States — 2010. Retrieved from the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, National Center for Injury Prevention and Control: http://www.cdc. gov/violenceprevention/pdf/cdc_nisvs_ipv_report_2013_v17_single_a.pdf

        1. windstorm2 says:

          Of course, Indy, this didn’t used to be considered rape if they were married, since a husband owned his wife’s body and could do whatever he wanted with it – with or without her consent.
          I would certainly like to think we are all beyond that slave-like thinking by now, though. 🙁

          1. HG Tudor says:

            “A husband cannot be guilty of rape committed by himself upon his lawful wife, for by their mutual matrimonial consent and contract the wife hath given up herself in this kind unto her husband, which she cannot retract.” – Sir Matthew Hale, an English judge who wrote this in Historia Placitorum Coronæ in the 17th Century.

            The law on marital rape altered in 1991 in the United Kingdom.

            This thinking of ownership is central to the narcissistic mind set.

          2. Indy says:

            Yes, objectification. You cannot rape a tea pot.

          3. HG Tudor says:

            But you can defile it.

          4. Indy says:

            Yessss (slowly)…Good God, that visual of the tea pot ha ha

          5. strongerwendy says:

            Still early here and I’m trying to drink my morning coffee…but now have to have images of a molested teapot…. 😉

          6. Ms brown says:

            Wherever did you find this? hilarious and point on, HG!!! You big teapot, you!! ♨️

          7. HG Tudor says:

            I played this to my nephews when they were younger to keep them in line.

          8. Ms brown says:

            good idea!

          9. strongerwendy says:

            Ha ha ha! 😄

          10. Indy says:

            Hahaha

          11. windstorm2 says:

            ….. and not just one visual, Indy! My mind keeps running thru all the ways my narcs would defile a teapot if I had compared it to a woman – So many ways and all so deeply disturbing! They’d have considered it a fun game. 😳

          12. NarcAngel says:

            Defiling a teapot.
            Yes, just put some Red Rose or Typhoo in it.

          13. HG Tudor says:

            Ha ha very good.

        2. windstorm2 says:

          And remember the old “rule of thumb?” A man could legally beat his wife with any stick as long as it was not wider than the width of his thumb.

  5. Not So Sad says:

    Windstorm . Hi . I too keep reading the blog .

    I don’t care what anyone thinks of me for doing it.
    I pointed it out to my councilor, believe me when I say it took several attempts . Though he didn’t disagree ( they never do ) he looked over his glasses at me and said .. Not So Sad .. you do understand that continuing to look at a blog written by an abuser will continue to reinforce your abuse ..
    I swear at that point in no uncertain terms I really, really wanted to tell him to go forth & multiply . lol

    I’m glad you’re finding the answers Windstorm .x

    1. Ms brown says:

      I see THIS blog, in particular, as moving forward, by acquiring knowledge and understanding. It does not reinforce our abuse. HG “Tudors” us in how to face it, head on and not dwell in it… I do not do councilors nor my psych dr any longer and am off all meds since I found HG’s blog. That is all the evidence I need to know I am not receiving reinforcement!

      1. HG Tudor says:

        Thank you Ms Brown.

      2. 12345 says:

        Me too, Ms. Brown. This blog has never reinforced abuse. Quite the opposite. Good for you on counselors and meds! I’ll bet you’re saving a ton of money!!

      3. K says:

        Not So Sad & Ms brown

        My anxiety was so bad that I started smoking weed, since finding this blog, I have completely stopped hitting the bong. Also, I can listen to music again, I am no longer too terrified to drive and I have stopped self-isolating. Best of all, I am out of the Fog. It hasn’t reinforced my abuse; it has set me free and for the first time in life I am happy.

    2. windstorm2 says:

      Thank you, notsosad. May you continue to find answers as well!

  6. Ms brown says:

    No matter what the case, it is only ONE thing, it IS control, nothing else. be it to humiliate, hurt, withhold, secure the Golden Period, whatever the case, it is control and nothing more. do not “fool” yourself into thinking it is or was anything other.

    1. Not So Sad says:

      I agree Mrs Brown .

      I don’t know if you’ve seen seen any of my other posts regarding the narc.
      While he was busy seducing his new supply he’d posted ( without my knowledge ) holiday photo’s of me in cuckhold forms asking for men to have sex with me while he watched .
      To this day I still can’t believe I nearly agreed to it . My self esteem was at rock bottom & stupidly I still believed he cared because he kept on coming back.
      If I’d known then what I know now his nuts would’ve been fed to him . Hannibal Lecture style 🙂

      1. giulia says:

        👍👍👍

      2. M. says:

        Not so Sad, don’t blame yourself. Being with a narcissist means living in the twilight zone, sort of. You are not your usual you. People around you seem different to you.You lose any innocence you had. You become suspicious. You start wondering and gossiping about people (of his circle) you would never have cared about before. In the narcissist’s universe you become a lesser person. You (we) become sick. Everything is distorted, same applies to sex. Things that you would never think of doing (you would have done them already if you liked them, no?) , suddenly become an option. Because he asks you to. This is how dangerous they are (as HG once put it). And the dangerous part is not always what he got you to do. It is how you feel about it.

        1. Not So Sad says:

          Thank you for your kind comment K .

          I know that many ” victims of abuse ” blame themselves for what happened .. the ” if only I’d done this or said that ”
          I know it was and never will be my problem. His problem not mine not that he’ll ever see it that way . I was never sick but controlled & manipulated by a person who abused my love .

          Thanks again K x

  7. nat says:

    Dear HG Tudor,

    My ex narcisst was extremely obsessed with having sex. I do admit it was amazing, he was very dominant and what struck me the most was how much he cared to make ME feel during the act. It seemed as if he took extreme satisfaction when he made me come. He mission was to make me come multiple times during the sex, even though I couldn’t really. I quickly realized I had to fake multiple orgasms to make him satisfied…

    However, my ex would demand sex 2-3 times a day, regardless if I’m sick/tired/being emotionally exhausted because of his behavior. Everyday I felt when ‘the time has come’ to have sex with him, otherwise he got furious. He didn’t understand I don’t want to do it when we’re visiting my parents. He didn’t understand I don’t want to do it when he just called me “stupid” or” shit”. It was my duty, but a duty that I could never fulfill according to his requirements, no matter how hard I tried. He constantly called me dysfunctional or cold, reminded me how his ex pleased him although I tried so hard and went beyond my comfort zone in sex to get him what he wanted. He even told me stories how his colleague (a current girlfriend) wears stockings every day, which obviously I do not. At some point no matter how often we had sex, and how wild it was – he would always say he ALWAYS has to beg for sex which hurt me so muchand he knew about it…

    The funny thing in this situation was that at the same time, he repeatedly told me how good I am in bed, how much he wants me, how he likes to spoil me and basically – how he loves everything about having sex with me.

    Now that he discarded me, it seems as he is bragging about having sex with his new source: he posts extremely sexual songs on social media, even those “our sex songs” are now dedicated to her. Sex was obviously one of the reasons he openly admitted he is discarding me for – “I just need a female’s touch you know, you need somebody to take care of you, not a real man” he said.

    Is this all a narcisstic behaviour? I am left now heartbroken and feeling not good enough, comparing myself to his new girlfriend with all her stockings’ stuff and such… Trying to understand whether it was really something wrong with me.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Hello Nat, the nature of the situation that you face is more appropriately dealt with through a private consultation as that way I can obtain more detail from you and also provide you with a far fuller response. You can find details about how to organise this in the menu bar.

  8. K says:

    When things got stale, he became very controlling. We could only have sex when, where and how he wanted it. He seemed angry and would call me a fucking whore. He enjoyed hurting me while we were having sex and the more pain I was in the quicker he climaxed. It was during this time that I was introduced to sleep rape, as well. I broke-up with him, but then I found out that I was pregnant, so I tried to make it work. When he moved back in with me, he withdrew sex and that was the beginning of the calm before the storm.

    1. gabbanzobean says:

      Holy hell thats horrible!!!!! 😕

      1. K says:

        gabbanzobean

        It was a nightmare and I never want to go through that ever again! It was like Hell on earth.

    2. windstorm2 says:

      It is always eye opening to see the term “sleep rape” used here. In my 30 year marriage those instances were used to denigrate me about not being normal sexually. After all, a normal woman would always be willing – any time of the day or night. A normal woman would be happy her husband still wanted her when she was sound asleep. Normal women enjoyed pain as well. After growing up being constantly told I wasn’t normal (after all normal girls never argued with their mothers, normal girls didn’t act like I did), it never occurred to me not to believe my husband.
      Every time it’s referred to as sleep rape, it makes me pause and wonder what else in my life that I just accepted as my fault was really some type of abuse.

      1. HG Tudor says:

        I dare say quite a lot owing to the way you have been conditioned by various agents.

        1. windstorm2 says:

          Ha, ha! Yes, I imagine so. My family can’t understand why I keep reading here after nearly a year and a half. They think it is unhealthy to think about pain and problems from the past. They cant understand my need for answers. But that’s been a driving force my whole life. I have a deep, intrinsic need to understand the whys of the world around me – human as well as physical. Thank you again, HG, for maintaining this blog with all the comments! 😊

          1. Ms brown says:

            I would probably self destruct if HG ever retires from this blog. But maybe that is his plan? Build us all up then pull the rug out from under us all? What a brilliant Narc plan…

          2. HG Tudor says:

            That isn’t going to happen.

          3. Indy says:

            Building his army of weaponized empaths!! We shall rule the world *jabs fist toward sky, with dystopian background like mad max* Tina Turner here we come!!!

          4. Ms brown says:

            🙏🏼

          5. Jenna says:

            So sweet of u HG. But what if you get worn out frm moderating? Maybe could you just take some time off, not post any new articles, so no new comments will come in, and then return to us after say, a two wk or one month holiday?

          6. windstorm2 says:

            I’ve thought very similar, Ms Brown! We just have to hope he keeps getting the validation of his objectives for this blog and that the blog continues to fit in with the legacy he is building. 😊

          7. Jenna says:

            Maybe it fits in with the grand plan/scheme somehow? I hope so.

  9. M. says:

    Let me make a list about “The best, more imaginative lovers of my life”. Oh, it is exactly the same with the list “The narcissists in my life” (not so thrilled with this realisation, I must say).

  10. Not So Sad says:

    P.S I should add that he’s physically in good shape with no medical issues.. Thanx .

  11. Not So Sad says:

    Good Morning HG.

    I have a question please .

    A friend of mine is in the situation where her BF is withholding sex from her. Apparently he’s used cocaine regularly for over ten years & she’s or he’s convinced her ( not sure) that this is cause of his lack of sexual interest in her, no matter how hard she tries, or provocatively she dresses he’s just not interested. I mean she has the most fabulous figure and so attractive. …

    She’s told him how much it’s hurting her emotionally not having the physical contact but he blame shifts and tells her how bad he feels when she tells him, naturally she then feels guilty for raising the subject & ends up saying sorry .

    The thing is though HG he couldn’t get enough of her when they first met with the help of Viagra, the way I see it is that if he could use Viagra regularly at the start of the relationship why can’t he use it once or twice a month now to satisfy her as he knows how much it’s upsetting her .
    I get a strong feeling that he’s a mid range cerbral, from all accounts he’s highly successful & intelligent & she’s admitted that often she feels manipulated by him.

    Am I right in thinking he’s just using his cocaine use as an excuse when the real reason he’s in fact withholding sex to control her knowing how much she want’s it .

    P.s They hadn’t had sex for over three months until the day before she came on holiday with me two weeks ago .. er very convenient don’t you think .. mmm .

    Thanks for reading HG and I’d appreciate your thoughts as always.

    NNS 🙂

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Hello NNS,

      There is a multiplicity of factors at work here but they all ultimately lead to one outcome ; the withdrawal of sexual activity is being used for the purposes of control and to draw fuel.

      1. His cocaine use is described as regular? What is regular? Is it a couple of grams a day? Is it weekend use? Cocaine increases libido but for many users a heavy session of cocaine results in the desire being there but the individual becoming ‘coke broke’ in terms of not being able to obtain an erection because the heart wants the blood that would otherwise engorge the cock. Accordingly, if he uses coke a lot, his ardour would be increased but in all likelihood he could not perform. I suspect therefore that he would actually want to initiate sexual engagement but then he would blame-shift in terms of his inability to perform.
      2. His use of Viagra at an early juncture may have been down to two things. One, to enhance his performance or two, to overcome erection difficulties.
      3. The main clue is your assessment of him as a Cerebral Narcissist. He regards sex purely as a mechanical act in order to achieve a particular outcome and if he can avoid engaging in sex, he prefers to do so. He will regard it as very much an obligation – either to seduce and then later to keep the victim in place and stop them leaving/looking elsewhere. I suspect that he had no interest in having sex with your friend and would struggle to achieve and sustain an erection so he used Viagra. This allowed him to overcome his natural reticence and thus he used sex to seduce her. Once achieved he saw no reason to keep using it and furthermore he has no interest in having sex with her, in fact not providing sex works better for him in terms of drawing negative fuel and controlling her. Yes, he could use Viagra now, but he sees no reason to do so.
      4. If he says his cocaine use is what is causing him to not want sex, this is a lie.

      1. Not So Sad says:

        Thanks for your detailed reply HG I really appreciate it .

        I thought so, thank you for confirming it .

        All the signs are there that he’s a narcissist . He found her through FB, love bombed her with messages & text when she responded, moved her in with him as soon as he could. Middle aged, no children and unsurprisingly several failed relationships with partners who were allegedly abusive to him ..

        There’s little point in me telling her, trust me I did try while we were away.

        Sadly many people think that once you’ve been in an abusive relationship it taints your judgment & they assume your either completely nuts or over reacting .
        It’s so frustrating because for the first time in my life I have complete clarity because of your blog .

        I’m not sure what if anything I can do at this point accept be there for her .

        Thanks again HG ..

        NNS 🙂

      2. Sarah says:

        Cock.

  12. Fifty shades of mr. Tudor..

  13. Mrs Linton says:

    Its not supposed to happen is it? Men withholding sex from women. It’s almost a taboo subject as the stereotype is men want it all the time and are not that fussy. Even more humiliating when you are turned down. In more than one relationship I had with a narc sex was all that it became When of course the devaluation begins it is easier to leave when that particular hook has gone. One of the exes I worked with used to devalue me long after we split up but it didn’t effect me nearly as much. Sex so stops you thinking logically. We need it too, or WE will leave.

    1. Narc affair says:

      Definitely! Men can withold sex despite wanting it. They can withold for many reasons. In a nonnarc relationship it usually centers around resentment over lack of respect on the womans part. Take away a mans respect and his attraction will waver.
      In a narc relationship its entirely different its used as a tool only. They will withdraw to try to get you to try harder, to chisel your confidance away so they can control you, to make you unsure of yourself, to punish you and shame you, to get validation thru your cries and negative fuel(ego booster), to show you whose in control. So many reasons but what they the narc fail to realise is they end up breaking their own fuel appliance with their tactics. Eventually its no longer worth putting up with and we leave. Also its a great way to destroy attraction. A person can only be rejected so much before they put up defense mechanisms and no longer want sex with that person(narc).

      1. Mrs Linton says:

        Narc affair I so agree, wondering the best way to handle it if it happens again. “Don’t worry if you don’t feel like it, I have an incredibly satisfying vibrator I can orgasm nearly instantly with, especially when I watch girl porn at the same time”

      2. Narc affair says:

        Mrs linton..what i did with my exnarc was not react or mention sex at all. Wed go for awhile not having sex and i could tell he was uneasy bc i hadnt brought it up or seemed affected that he didnt initiate. He started initiating again and was back in the seduction mode. It had to do with his ego bc he couldnt believe it wasnt affecting me and how must that reflect on him? Was i still attracted to him? He was the one who was unsure now and that was so worth the wait! After that i acted like i could take it or leave it but i enjoy sex and intimacy too much and he was discarded empath style…no contact. I have to giggle at his many emails many ive not read. Its not out of spite but i lost all interest and attraction in him. He messed me around one too many times and i no longer wanted or desired him. Narcissists sabatoge their own fuel.

  14. SVR says:

    https://youtu.be/QvWj18LeU1g
    Not sure if this will work but let’s give it a go
    Lily Allen says it well. Fu#k you.
    Worth a listen. Makes me smile 😃😃

    1. AH OH says:

      https://youtu.be/GBmXLABEo_k

      I tend to like Harry

  15. SVR says:

    No build up just quick boring sex, wham bang thank you mam. The only excitement was it was in risky places (which oh my god what the hell was i thinking, actually I wasn’t thinking) and I would never do it again. Nice to have the memories of that but as for the sex it was nadda. A lesser even though the appendage was of good size was really nothing to write home about. It was what he wanted and without protection. He hated condoms but after asking HG he said its because it’s for the little people to take the protection. I loved his face when he would say I don’t have a condom and I would say no worries I do. In the middle of action he stopped once and said ” I hate fuc###g condoms while he adjusted it a little, my reply was a look of distaste. Go f##k yourself you disgusting piece of scum!

    1. gabbanzobean says:

      Mine hated condoms as well. They are “too good” for condoms aren’t they? A-holes.

      1. windstorm2 says:

        Mine wouldn’t use condoms either. Said they limited his sensation.

  16. Jenna says:

    We had penetrative sex several times. After that, he said it is a sin to have pre-marital sex and we shouldn’t be engaging in it. So we started to cuddle for hours as an alternative. I could see this made him nervous at first, but i would stroke his hair and his arms, and then i could see him becoming very relaxed. Sometimes however, it would lead to dry sex (non-penetrative sex). It was so difficult to resist. He would still ejaculate, in a condom, but outside of me. Then later, after we broke up, i found his profile on some casual sex websites. I was shocked! He strongly resisted having penetrative sex with me when we were together. Yet he will have it with strangers? That’s when i did more research on the madonna-whore complex. I think after knowing me for some time, he developed a madonna complex towards me. That’s why he didn’t want to sin with me. It cannot be that he was withholding for fuel, because it was often difficult to resist, we would be all over each other, and it would end with dry sex anyways. Plus he knew i was more into cuddling and holding each other than penetrative sex. Also, being with me required intimacy, which he finally admitted 2 yrs later, upon my endless questioning, gives him anxiety. He said with the women on the websites, there are no expectations nor any attachments.

  17. AH OH says:

    Come to think of it, would you give us demonstration? Kidding. I would be scared to death. Some freak toy or game would be involved.

  18. Narc affair says:

    Yes it is and it becomes very addictive! Addicted to the pleasure, the intimacy, the rush, the sense of surprise, feeling so desirable and wanted, powerful when you are able to please. Intoxicating. It becomes toxic once all that is used to control by withdrawing and using to get what they want. Its used to create faux love.

  19. gabbanzobean says:

    Yep!!!!

    “We are through having sex!”

    After later having sex…

    “That CANNOT happen again!”

    🙄

    1. strongerwendy says:

      My ex narc decided at one point that because he was having sex outside of marriage it went against his evangelical Christian beliefs and that’s why all his business deals, unrealistic as they were, we’re not working out so no more sex (and I say his beliefs because he used this as manipulation. I’m not particularly religious so not sure how I ended up with this one…).

      But within minutes he was all over me. When I could get a word in I pointed out that this was hypocritical to what he just said. He said something to the effect of “hush.”

      1. gabbanzobean says:

        Strongerwendy,
        Mine was religious as well. While he did not push the religious belief per se….he preached the “moral” one of how he had to stop having sex with me before he “lost his soul” in regard to his wife and daughter.

        So he insisted “no more sex” and much like your final paragraph, he was all over me after the fact as well. When I pointed out his hypocrisy he did not even say “hush”. He said “my willpower is weak”. LOL.

        1. strongerwendy says:

          Mine wasn’t married, but was referring to the fact that we weren’t married. Either way, very hipocritical.

        2. strongerwendy says:

          Typo…sigh…should be hypocritical…

  20. Indy says:

    I do regret I never seemed to be ensnared by a true sexual artist. I was always the one bringing experimentation to the table with a willing partner. Sex wasn’t bad, just would have liked more dominance. However, they always used sexual withdrawal as a control weapon as I clearly liked sex. Effective. Slick. Such a bummer too…where’s my whip?

  21. strongerwendy says:

    Yes, it is…

  22. AH OH says:

    It sure is.

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