Getting Smeared (And How To Deal With It)

getting-smeared

 

The smear campaign is a regular weapon in our arsenal. Deployed in order to maintain our façade and ensure that everybody thinks that you are the abuser, you are the trouble maker and that you are the Crazy One. A method of getting our retaliation in first. The smear campaigns are such that you have no idea they are being carried out until the damage is done. You may find out through a third party tipping you off about what is being said about you. You may find out because we have instructed a lieutenant to tip you off in order to allow us to draw fuel from your horrified reaction and frantic attempts to repair the damage. Naturally, we only allow the tip off to take place once we are satisfied that our smears have sunk in and taken effect. The first you may know about these smear campaigns is when you try to tell other people about our behaviour, either during the relationship or when you have sought to escape or have been discarded. You find that you are met with shaking heads, blank looks and declarations of disbelief as your protestations are regarded with scepticism and whispered comments about you having lost the plot. To come up against this wall, especially when you are often in the greatest need,  is distressing. This distress is magnified when it occurs with people you thought that you could rely on. Our poison seeps everywhere.

The smear campaign is almost always used at some point when you have become entangled with our kind. There are many different kinds, but here are six which are regularly used.

  1. The Abuser

We like to trot out tales about how cruel and unpleasant you have been to us. Whether it is preventing us from seeing our friends, not letting us have our say, making decisions for us, hitting us, failing to attend to household chores whilst we are out working to support the household, not showing us any affection, questioning us about our movements, calling us names and so on, it will be used against you. Much of the smear campaign is based on projection as we tell everybody that you have been doing the very things that we have been doing. That way we can provide sufficient detail about the form of abuse, because we have done it ourselves, so that it is given the mantle of believability. If we furnish such detail and avoid vagueness, our lies are made all the more believable. All types of smear campaign operate on the basis of making you out to be abusive in some way. Some are specific, as you will see below, whereas this form of smear campaign is predicated on an avalanche of plausible behaviours which cover a vast spectrum of abusive actions towards us from locking us out of our own home at night because we went out with friends to tipping freezing cold water over us when sat in the bath and pretending it was a joke, from making us sleep on the floor to hiding our car keys when we needed to be somewhere. A long list of awful abuses will be detailed along with how much of a martyr we have been in trying to put up with them and make things better.

  1. The Philanderer/The Slut

 

We play the card that we are not given any affection, love or sexual gratification by the abuser but more than that you are busy engaging in frequent affairs and one night stands with other people. We have given you chances after discovering what you have been doing, because we want to get things back on track. We have given you everything and this is how we are repaid. We are heart-broken by these repeated infidelities. We will identify people of the opposite sex that you are close to and pedal lies that “there is something going on” between you and them. Those people we know who enjoy some tittle tattle will be approached first in order to give the lies some “legs” so that they will not only believe what they have been told about you and the neighbour, you and your colleague and you and the gardener, but they will spread the smear even further. Add in some casual sexual encounters we have learned about, linked to the fact you work away/work in a bar/ are friendly and out-going then the lies gain more traction.

  1. The Spender

We work hard each day to provide for you and all you do is sit around ordering things off the internet, going out to lunch, organising another home improvement and frittering away our hard-earned money. We make out that you are squandering the fruits of our labour by pointing to the recent purchase of some expensive shoes, conveniently leaving out that this is the first pair you have bought in two years and you saved up for them. The joint credit card which bears the hammering of our profligate spending will be attributed to you. Words such as fraud, leech and gold digger will be bandied around as we make you out to be a free loader who has taken considerable advantage of our hard-working nature and generosity.

  1. The Lunatic

This smear campaign will involve heart-felt explanations to medical professionals about your behaviour in order to have them say that there could be something wrong but they would need to undertake a proper diagnosis. We will take from this informal consultation the part we want to hear and then spread this around to other people.

“Yes I was concerned about her behaviour and because I care, I mentioned it to Dr Whitecoat and he told me that it would appear that she has a mental health issue. I know, it is terrible but it explains so much of her erratic behaviour. The thing is, I don’t know if she will allow herself to be treated. Of course she will insist that there is nothing wrong with her, but apparently that is what these people do, they have no insight that there is anything wrong with them.”

Sound familiar at all? We will pick on entirely innocuous behaviours of yours and magnify them so they become regarded as problematic. Idiosyncrasies will be portrayed as aberrations from normal behaviour and of course the more you try to point out that it is us and not you, the crazier you appear.

  1. The Turncoat

In this smear campaign we actually place the focus of your horrible behaviour on not just us but other people as well. We spend our time telling other people the horrible things you have said about them behind their backs. Of course, since we are in a relationship with you, it stands to reason that what we are saying must be true, otherwise why would we make it up about the person we love. We maintain that we are telling the “victim” of your scurrilous comments so they can keep an eye out for it happening again and to be a little wiser in their engagements with you. This will be based on oral recollection, so difficult to prove, but often we will engage a lieutenant in corroborating our lies so that the recipient believes us and is too busy basking in their own indignant and annoyed reaction to test the veracity of what they are being told.

  1. The Addict

You have a serious problem and the time has come to tell other people about it. You enjoy the occasional flutter on the horses. You actually have a huge gambling issue which incorporates the casino, slot machines, betting on line, frequent trips to the bookmakers and even betting on which of two rain drops will trickle down the pane the fastest. You may like a drink now and again and we will turn this into full blown alcoholism, showing off pictures of the empties in the over flowing recycling bin. Those empties are ours or are the product of a weekend party but we are not going to let that get in the way of our smear. You are addicted to sex, watching porn, trying to make us do things in the bedroom that we do not want to do, demanding sex on tap and demeaning us. Your recent weight gain, although nothing significant is used against you as evidence of addiction to food, the money you waste on take away food is really starting to stack up now and the salad section in the fridge only ever stocks cream cakes these days.

How might you deal with these smear campaigns and wipe them clean from your reputation? You are never in a position to stop them before they begin because you will not know about them until they are at least up and running and unfortunately to you heartfelt and emotional protestations just work against you, give us fuel and encourage us to up the pressure against you.

  1. Avoid reacting to them in an emotional fashion. This starves us of fuel and may cause us to drop the campaign because it is no longer having the desired effect. Some damage has been done from it already, but you will limit that damage.
  2. Consider carefully who you feel the need to disavow of our lies. If you need support in the context of your escape, save your energies for addressing the lies with those that matter in terms of providing you with support. You may lose some friends, but were they really good friends to have if they were taken in by the smear campaign?
  3. Use any independent evidence you may have to show to people – documents, video recordings, independent witnesses and just provide this to the relevant recipient of the smear campaign for them to make up their own mind. State your side of the story, refer to the evidence and let them make their own mind up. People don’t like to be told what to do. By allowing them to reach their own conclusion as to who is telling the truth you are more likely to gain an ally again and one who will also expound your truth to others on your behalf.
  4. If people approach you concerning the lies and want to discuss it with you, more out of a desire to engage in salacious gossiping than know the truth, there is no point engaging in a lengthy discussion in order to persuade this person. They are not interested in the truth, only the buzz which comes from having some gossip. Raise your hand as they begin and tell them, “He has told lies and I do not want to hear any more or discuss them.” That will stop it in its tracks. You may also wish to add that the matter is in the hands of lawyers which often causes people to back off as they do not want to become embroiled in legal action.
  5. Don’t engage in a reverse smear campaign by talking about what we have done. This creates fuel from us and because we have got in first, it makes you look like you are only saying this because of what we have said. Concentrate on protecting your own reputation. Don’t be concerned with blackening ours.
  6. Adopting the above points will turn the tide so that we are left with a choice of having to expend more time and energy to maintain the smear campaign in light of your non-fuel provision and calculated approach or more likely we will see it is not working and look to concentrate on someone else rather than you.
  7. If the smear campaign is having adverse effects in terms of your job, your professional standing and interaction with the authorities, engage a lawyer to set the record straight. A well-drafted letter to the relevant decision-maker is often sufficient to address the matter. Don’t engage in sending threatening letters to us (unless the smear campaign is especially bad and having serious repercussions on your life and livelihood) as this provides us with fuel and also provides us with an arena for us to continue the allegations and to look to gain further traction.
  8. Sometimes the most appropriate way is to ignore what is being said and get on with your own life. This demonstrates you have not taken the bait which will infuriate us. You may find it uncomfortable having lies said about you, but if it is having no visible effect on you, we will move on. Third parties are usually too caught up in their own lives to have much regard for such tittle tattle for long.

Smear campaigns are usually rolled out at when you are at your lowest ebb, feeling frazzled and emotional and this is why they become so effective, but you are able to wipe the mud away and move forwards. You can learn more about dealing with this manipulation and many others in Escape: How to Beat the Narcissist available on Amazon.

US https://www.amazon.com/dp/B016P8VXQA

UK https://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/B016P8VXQA

CAN https://www.amazon.ca/dp/B016P8VXQA

AUS https://www.amazon.com.au/dp/B016P8VXQA

29 thoughts on “Getting Smeared (And How To Deal With It)

  1. Ann says:

    So, what do you do if you found this article WAY too late and tried with everything to defend yourself against this campaign? The narcissist and his flying monkeys spread the rumors that I was a drunk and a whore. I was neither of these things and I, in a desperate way, tried to get people to believe me. Nobody did. They thought I was crazy. The narcissist was so wonderful and perfect, there was no way he was abusing me and spreading lies. I started dealing with horrible treatment and harassment. The way I dealt with this was not to disconnect from our common group of “friends” (I wish I had) but rather to drink enough to numb myself so that I could deal with the pain of the situation; I figured they were all drinking anyway so I might as well too. Along with that, a couple of his flying monkeys (didn’t know they were flying monkeys at the time) came onto me and I ended up hooking up with them(the alcohol didn’t help my decision making skills). So now, the rumors were true. Everything he had lied about wasn’t even a lie anymore. He won. He ruined not only my reputation, but me. How do I move on? How I let go? How do I forgive myself? I’m not stupid, I truly believe there are even more malicious rumors floating around about me. I’m done trying to defend but how do I move forward? How do I escape this?

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Hello Ann, you arrange a consultation with me as a matter of priority.

  2. About the eyes says:

    Yes, because you have weapons I don’t have or, more important, am not allowed (bij my conscience) to use. Isn’t that also why they failed?

  3. Dorion says:

    I am sure I’m not the only one, but I found your and your work, HG, via reading smearing comments on other social media sites last November. I wasn’t even looking for anything about narcissism when I saw the first one, it just popped up randomly and reminded me of the topic I was so interested in a few years ago, when I was dealing with those individuals I could not understand for the life of me for a while, and eventually identified as narcs. I think the first comment I saw was on Reddit, then did some search and saw quite divided opinions on other sites as well, they made me curious to check it out for myself. That’s why my first posts here were more on the cynical side… so many “authorities” and crap on narcissism all over the web.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      I applaud your application of reason and going to the evidence to make an evaluation. There is a lot and I mean a lot of rubbish out there, either repetitive work which adds no value, misinformation, sites run by Mid Range Narcissists, narcissists searing left, right and centre across the internet and huge gaps in the knowledge provided. Your contributions are thoughtful and balanced and I look forward to seeing them continue.

  4. ANM says:

    Lalela,
    I found this site when I was in the depth of intensity of what I call Malignant Narcissism Gang Stalking. Gang stalking by narcissist can literally make you go crazy, and it makes your own mind play tricks on you. It doesn’t get better, you CAN get better. If you are here, you got this!!!💪😘👊

  5. Lalela says:

    My ex psychopath started a smear which is now widespread and I am being harassed daily by complete strangers. Cell phones hacked . Hg what is the solution here ? How to make the harassment stop or lessen ?

    1. HG Tudor says:

      There is a solution and it is called no contact. There is much I can help you with and I recommend that you utilise the Addition Series of Assistance Packages alongside How To Stop the Hoovers Assistance Package (see the blog menu) and utilise an audio consultation with me, Lalela, so I can provide you with bespoke assistance.

  6. Amanda says:

    I found out about his smear campaign months after he had dumped me and kicked me and my children out of his house, reconciled, and got back together. A couple weeks prior to dumping me, he had begun his smear of me by telling my mother that I attack him, that I am addicted to pills, and all I care about is money for pills. He also told her that I have abandonment issues and that he thinks I am mentally unstable. My mother abused me severely as a child, she has NPD as well, and of course the two of them collaborated on this smear and ruined my reputation within my family of origin.

    Something he also did whenever I was upset or crying was to take out his cell phone and begin filming me. He would tell me it’s to show others how “crazy” I am later.

    This site has made me realize that I am living with a monster. I am so scared of him and what he will do next.

  7. Maia says:

    I’m not aware of any smear campaign against me. The thing is, he has no friends to speak of, and doesn’t speak to most of his family. He’s very much a loner. He is also very aware that my family and friends dislike him intensely. No doubt fear also keeps him silent because he would be mortified if I retaliated and shamed him.

  8. Maia says:

    HG – Has any of your former girlfriends ever taken revenge and dished the dirt on you?

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Some have tried to fight back by smearing me. They failed.

  9. Dr. Harleen Quinzel PsyD says:

    What I find humorous is that my ex’s smear campaign wasn’t very successful.

    He looks pretty fucking ridiculous trying to paint his ex psychologist girlfriend to be the crazy one.

    Of course he is coming undone and shows people more and more what a self-absorbed dickless dumb ass he is.

    From the beginning of the relationship I made sure I told people what was going on and of course the crazy just escalated so many many people were in the loop so ….I was ultimately preventative.

    I’m sure he may have convinced a few amoeba friends of his, a dumb shit or two and his current peasant puppet girlfriend who is more than 15 years his junior of his bullshittery.

    I’ve said it before – lots of these assholes (talking about midrange and lesser types) are sloppy and leave trails of people. They often make the same mistakes and make the same “crazy” claims about each person they are with that people start to catch as they age.

    Sit back and watch the shit show unfold because it will of you’re dealing with a dumb narc lol.

  10. Scout says:

    The smear campaign was a very public affair. He composed a blank verse poem about how crazy I was, my dog was crazy too, I turned his life up-side-down, I was a metaphor for the rain damage to his flat and his boiler not working. To cap it all, he claimed he had to change the locks because he was fearful that I would attack him. The very last line, he claimed he was all alone (a fat lie, he’s got 2 women on the go), but he’s still swimming in the ocean because he’s a survivor.
    He read it out to the poetry group I helped form. If that wasn’t bad enough, he read it out live on air at the radio station were we both work and there was nothing I could do about it. He and his ugly chum both laughed before his chum exclaimed how bad I was and how he was better off without me. I went ice cold and shook with shock. All the people we both knew would have tuned in and heard it.
    Narcypants achieved 2 things with one poem: 1. I’m well smeared to all and sundry. 2. I’ll be so embarrassed and tarnished by his cruel and pathological lies I won’t turn up to any of the events we used to attend as a couple.
    It worked.

  11. Pamela says:

    Smearing, only one party ends up being soiled. Messy business. Excellent article, HG.

  12. Stephanie Farlow says:

    I meant unfollowing him seemed only to provoke him. That is why I blocked. I am out of it today. I am trying to process the new me. Mt apologies for errors.

  13. Stephanie Farlow says:

    Thank you HG for everything. I realized I was being hoovered us g specialty hoover’s and via Instagram. I just finally took the time to block him from that too. That does it. Hebia officially blocked. I felt nothing when I did it whilst in the past this was so hard and gave me anxiety. I tried unfollowing him at first because i was being lazy. I wasn’t sure you could actually block on Instagram but …you can. I made it my business to take the time
    Blocking him seemed to provoke him and cause a reaction from him. So again I made the time to block instead. It is odd not feeling anything. It’s like I am finally awake from a deep sleep.
    He did smear me which for a day I reacted to and then was fine. The best way for me is no reaction at all. It works well !! Xoxoxox

  14. Teresa Farrell says:

    On May 30, 2017 10:04 AM, “Knowing the Narcissist” wrote:

    > HG Tudor posted: ” The smear campaign is a regular weapon in our > arsenal. Deployed in order to maintain our façade and ensure that everybody > thinks that you are the abuser, you are the trouble maker and that you are > the Crazy One. A method of getting our retaliation in ” >

  15. Anonymous says:

    Is it bad that I’m a little curious which smear campaign will be used in my case? With his ex he used “The Spender”, he said what you wrote almost word for word!
    We don’t have any mutual friends though (that’s because he has no friends) and my friends and family would laugh at him if he tried to tell them anything remotely negative about me. So I don’t know if I’ll ever hear anything from anyone. I did expose him to an acquaintance before he knew that I knew, I assume he’ll tell her I’m crazy. Doesn’t matter to me though. When I found out what he is, I tried to call his parents’ to get hold of him since he refused to answer his phone, and his mother yelled at me. She’s crazy though (and probably the reason why he is the way he is) so yes, doesn’t faze me much.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      No such curiosity is entirely consistent with being an empathic truthseeker.

  16. Hannah says:

    Mine has decided that he needs to change, to be a good person. He needs to surround himself with nice people and act fake nice. He is going wth “fake it til you make it.” He thinks that I am too realistic since I know who he really is and he is now mad at me. Is there any chance his plan will work? Is this normal?

    1. HG Tudor says:

      A standard MR response. It will con others but he will not change.

      1. Hannah says:

        So, where do I stand in this? He thinks we need to be “just friends” so he is no longer cheating on his girlfriend because that would not be “nice.” Do I disconnect? I can’t go no contact and don’t want to because I want him back. In this situation, do they come back? We have been playing ping pong for so long that it seems inevitable, but I always fear that it will be the last time.

        1. HG Tudor says:

          As I have explained previously you ought to go no contact rather than keep being sucked in the way you have been. No contact will allow you to embrace cool hard logic and tame your emotional thinking which is conning you into wanting him.

      2. Hannah says:

        I get that no contact is the way to go, but I want to be sucked back in. I just fear that he won’t return.

        1. HG Tudor says:

          You actually do not, your emotional thinking is conning you into thinking that this is the case. You need to address this and no contact is the way to do this.

      3. phil porsi says:

        Well written article and interesting responses – thanks. When you say ‘a standard MR response’, what is an MR please?

        1. HG Tudor says:

          Thank you. Mid Range.

    2. Anonymous says:

      Hannah, your comments make me sad. You shouldn’t fear that he won’t return, you should hope he won’t. You’re wasting time on someone, time you’ll never get back. If you know what he is, why do you want this for yourself? I went through a long phase of on and off with him before I figured out what he is. During that phase, I always wanted him to return as well. It was exactly 17 days ago that I found evidence for some of what he did (tip of the iceberg, probably) and I escaped. I felt shit in the beginning, took medication for my anxiety but now I’m ok. Freedom is such a nice thing. You’re not losing anything that’s worth keeping, trust me.

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