Poll – What Would You Wish For Upon The Narcissist?
You have been granted one wish. This wish has to be applied to the narcissist (or narcissists if there was more than one) that you have entangled with in your life. Whether it was a romantic, social, familial, work or other ensnarement, what would you want the narcissist to experience? Do you wish them dead? Perhaps you want them to change and be genuinely remorseful for everything that they have done? Maybe you would prefer them to be placed in isolation and with no access to fuel? Go with your gut response. Do expand on why you chose this in the comment.
Thank you for participating.
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Sigh..
You have asked us to go with our gut response and I was hoping you would do the same. Oh well..
Death. Her kind sully the world by their existence. I didn’t/couldn’t love her and my relationship to her was brief and altruistic, not intense or intoxicating hence the coolness of my response. I incorporate in that view my experiences of other narcissists including those in my own family
I don’t advocate murder but were she to prematurely contract terminal cancer that would be the ideal outcome. People have been killed for a lot less. Her future consists of repeated exploitation, absence of genuine connection. She will lie, manipulate, devalue, cheat to get what she wants but doesn’t deserve at work and in relationships. One day she will reproduce for her own selfish needs. She will divorce. She will use her own children for her own ends. She will neglect her children; she will triangulate her children and the father of her children. She will take ownership of her children and they will be halted in their development. She will deprive them of the love they require. The moral abjection of her actions won’t give her pause. She will endlessly justify her debased motives. She will continue inexorably in this vein until she dies. The thought is abhorrent.
By the way, I doubt the narcissist tattooed on forehead would make any difference
I think it’s important to notice when the the to contact the narcissist, sociopath, or psychopath comes. I believe it can be quite telling.
For example:
I often get the urge to contact my first psychopath when things are going shitty and I’m at a low point, or I am bored.
I have concluded that in the first part of what I wrote above – the reasoning behind contacting the psychopath is to get a hit of something that feels good and to ultimately escape whatever I am currently dealing with. As for the boredom piece – I want that hit of dopamine.
My first psychopath was my obsession for yearsssss.
I believe that obsessions can serve various functions at different points/situations in people’s lives.
I recognized even as a 14 year old that he was an image… an idea…yet the obsession still remained for years to come. His function changed throughout the years and the intensity changed.
Now there is nothing left…..no feeling…
Dr HQ
I agree. Boredom is big. Or needing an outlet and you cant explain to anyone else the dark and chaotic thoughts you have. Robbing a bank is frowned upon and may interfere with work, but dancing with a Narc is not only legal but gives you that temporary high youre looking for and youre not hurting anyones feelings lol. So you dance, and then they get pissy and you get bored. The rollercoaster just makes you sick if you ride it too many times so you get off. That is-those who can
Love devotees: Do not try this at home.
Dr. H ..this is my case. When i was no contact the boredom and lonliness was what got me wanting to contact him. Also the conditioning of always being in contact and the withdrawals from that. Hes been my go to person for 6 yrs and thats a hard habit to break.
I want a narcissists to be free from the bondage if this debilitating and Luciferion disorder. I want them to be able to love and know / feel real love, especially God’s love.
extra hands? those are your minions…
you may have to delegate!
I know that grinds your gears MR Tudor that you would have to not handle all of this yourself though, but often that is the price of fame…welcome to KarmaVille for the famous…
unless you meant for… nvm… I would rather not know… 😛
Just so it’s clear Ali, you are Ali from Canada.
Mr.Tudor,
I have asked you a similar question on the last live stream ‘ If you would have one wish what would it be?’
How would you answer this question with regard to your narcissism ?
Hello ABW, do you mean what would my answer be if I was answering the poll?
No , what would you wish for from Your perspective?
Extra hands.
Now THAT’S funny!
Would you choose extra hands over getting rid off the creature?
The extra hands would mean I would not need to be concerned about the creature, so I could in effect address two birds with one stone.
the more the merrier?
I can see why extra hands would be helpful to you, you made me laugh.
I love how you evade questions…If the question is not worded exactly so or is open ended, it is usually answered with a question. So frustrating to live with someone who constantly uses this tactic.
Often I ask a further question not to be evasive, but to obtain better particularisation so I can provide the best answer.
Also, I have written extensively about fuel and how it is delivered, so when I am asked “HG, if I said x, what will the narc think” I will reply “depends how it is asked” because that is correct, but if people did read they would know already.
And what would you wish for Matrinarc, HG?
No need to wish Lou, it’s going to happen.
But do you wish for it to happen sooner HG?
It has to happen at the correct time, neither sooner or later ANK.
Hmm 🤔 what is the definition of the ‘correct’ time?
Maximum impact.
Cryptic as ever HG 😏
What would you do with extra hands HG?
Do more waving.
hahaha 👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼
yes!
Hg…that sounds ominous in regards to your plans for your mother. Hopefully its nothing thatll get you in trouble. Revenge seldom achieves anything just my opinion. The best revenge is living a happy life and letting go of the past hurt.
I disagree with regard to her, but in other instances you are correct.
Dear Mr Tudor,
From my own perspective regarding narcissists I know ….
No longer a narcissist …. would end it
Isolation and no fuel …you’d masturbate more
Genuine remorse … genuinely remorseful, for what
Experience the misery and pain … you don’t feel, so it would mean nothing
Branded … you wouldn’t care, you’d think it free advertising
Permanent golden period … isn’t your period with yourself always golden
Death …inevitable, but you’d make sure your name would live on regardless
Lifetime of doing good.. you already think you are
Financial loss… nothing to you is ever a loss
I’d be quite happy to sit back for a touch of “shadenfreude”
Thankyou Mr Tudor
“schadenfreude” ….. my apologies
Wow, so much hatred on this thread. Sometimes lessons come at a high cost. It is what it is. I don’t regret it and I wish him well. It has made me stronger. I actually pity him and his kind. They will always be weak and unhappy. Mine said he is just biding his time waiting for the day he dies. I wanted to fix him, but some people are too broken. It’s so very sad.
Hi Maia why are you surprised at the amount of hatred ?
I will never wish it anything accept for the same living hell it put me through for many years.
I’ll never ever forgive what it did to me or the long term psychological damage it caused, anxiety.depression & PTSD.
” Hate” isn’t a strong enough word for the way I feel & never will be, I despise every breath it takes & every day it lives.
I’m sure many people feel the same .
NNS
Hi Not So Sad, I suppose I’m surprised at the hate because it’s not something I could feel for anyone. Hate is like drinking your own poison, it hurts no one but you.
Have you ever heard of people who forgive their rapist or even the murderers of their loved ones.. even their children? Part of the reason is to free themselves to move on. It also denies the perpretator their continued power over them.
I suspect part of the reason is also the acknowledgement that most acts that cause pain and destruction are perpetrated by those who are also coming from a place of pain. Indeed the narc is invariably a victim oc abuse too. Rarely do happy people cause pain to others.
By coming from a place of love we have a chance of healing not only ourselves, but the world. Hate does nothing but destroy.
Maia
I agree with you about forgiveness. I do this, too, but I’ve always noticed it’s not a popular view. I’ve caught a lot of flack over the years for having sympathy and forgiveness for others. It seems to be seen as weakness by many. But I believe it is actually a type of strength. Letting go of hatred and blame is very powerful. It does keep you from feeling like a victim. Instead it gives a feeling of power – you are taking charge of your self and taking the power away from your abuser. Instead of thinking of them as some powerful, devil-like predator, you see them in their broken, screwed-up humanity – trapped in their own dysfunction and blind to how they continue to hurt themselves.
forgiveness gives you your power back
Maia
Most people here tried dealing with their Narcs from a place of love, and a fat lot of good that did, so I’ll cut them some slack. Forgiveness? Sounds great-look at me, I am so superior I can forgive others (while conveniently ignoring my part in it). When people say they forgive I think: Bullshit. You just stuffed that really far down so it wont see the light of day and you dont have to deal with it-but its still there. Its not hurting you not to be with your daughter and your grandchildren? Its just hurting her and her children? Well that says a lot, but it doesnt sound like its coming from a place of love, healing, or forgiveness.
Hi NA, well said. If getting to a state of contentment and peace is done for some by forgiving, more power to them. For some, that just won’t happen. It’s like grief. Everyone experiences it differently and there isn’t a better way to grieve over another. For some of these victims, myself included, forgiveness shows compassion that I never want to give out to the Narc ever again. Can have plenty to go around for a lot of other people. Not him.
Thanks for replying Maria I appreciate it .
I’m afraid we’ll have to agree to disagree on this.
The only ” poison ” I drank was drip fed to me without my knowledge for a very long time .
As for Love ? I gave it freely & unconditionally what did I get back ? well you know that already .
Thank you though
NNS x
Coincidentally, I had a message from a friend today saying how much better she feels for forgiving her deceased mother after I told her how I had forgiven mine. She had been adamant she would never forgive hers. She actually wrote to thank me.
My daughter won’t forgive me my wrongdoings. No parent is perfect. I wasn’t and she isn’t. She won’t allow me contact with my grandchildren, but I know it’s because she’s hurting. She bears grudges and carries resentment around like a ball and chain, mucn like her dad. It isn’t hurting me… I just get on with my life. It is hurting her, and possibly her children.
Long after forgiveness is granted, the damage that was done remains. There is a limit to my compassion and caring for him. It’s been replaced by disgust and yes, hatred. If you knew the whole stories of some of us here, perhaps it would shed more light on why hate does not seem to be too strong an emotion for us. We don’t want to hate them. They hate themselves and have given us no choice, in spite of how we loved them. I’m afraid I won’t ever be able to feel anything but hatred for the blackness of his soul that I saw in his eyes. It was pure EVIL. I can’t hate the man I fell in love with, but he’s an impostor. A fictional character. I do hate the monster inside him that is REAL. I’m terribly sorry for whatever created him, but it wasn’t me, and I don’t deserve to pay the fucking price anymore. I hate the monster for punishing me for his miserable existence.
LisaB,
I think you have hit on a good observation – if we thought about them and how they were during the golden period we would/do still love them for this despite it being an illusion but we hate the real them for what they did to us, for the pain and hurt they knowingly caused.
I just saw a great quote someone posted on Facebook: “There is no point investing one’s energy, emotions and time into forgiving someone who insists on remaining entrenched in their denial that they have wronged you. Better to put one’s effort into forgiving oneself instead.” Which pretty much sums up what I feel about forgiveness. If he ever asks for my forgiveness, maybe I’ll consider it. Or maybe not… I might be too busy looking at the icebergs in hell.
NarcAngel – no it’s not bullshit, I genuinely do forgive… no pushing anything down here. I take a very pragmatic view of it. I analyse, feel the emotion, deal with it, then accept it for what it is and release it. Although I do see it as a strength, it’s not being superior. We’re all made up of strengths and weaknesses. Forgiveness just happens to be one of my strengths, but I also have many weaknesses.
As for not hurting at not seeing my grandchildren. They live in another country so I rarely saw them anyway. I tried and better tried to make amends with my daughter even though she refuses to own responsibility for her part, and after much abuse I decided to get on with living my life. I stand by what I said… her bitterness is hurting her, not me. You can’t carry that around and be at peace.
Hi windstorm2, looks like I’m getting some flack too. But I will continue to forgive, not only others, but also myself.
Maia
Everybody has to do what’s best for them where they are in their journey thru life. What’s best for us may very well not be what’s best for them. Goodness knows what people have thought would be best for me was rarely what I thought! Seems like I’ve been criticized all my life for thinking the wrong things. My path may not be right for anyone else, but it’s my path and what’s best for me. We all have to find our own path. 😊
Windstorm 2
I wasnt saying youre wrong-just explaining why Im right lol.
NarcAngel
I know. Me too! I think I was explaining why we’re both right! Lol!
And what you’ve said in the past about children is spot on! I love that you’re always on guard watching to shut down narc abuse. Eternal vigilance is the price of freedom.
Have a great week!!!!!!!!!!! (Ha, ha! Just couldn’t resist!!!!!!!!!!)
Windstorm and Maia
Thank you both for sharing your views. I know mine can be harsh-but theyre mine, and I recognize not for everyone. Because I was a child and forced to watch while unable to act effectively enough to stop it, I guess the result is my feeling of having to act on anything I see as bullying or injustice, not only with regard to myself but on behalf of others, and perhaps some view that as what I am now doing. I dared not ask for help then, (though I wanted it),but I should not assume others need mine, or want to respond in the way that I do. I never blamed myself for the abuse and will never forgive him (or my mother for allowing it), but I like RecoveringNarcoholics take on forgiving myself for assuming that instead of forgiving, that everyone needs to confront and be vigilant in order to end the cycle. I dont control that very well and thats my sickness despite its good intention. There was another element though that you both touched on that I have given more thought to, so again, thank you both.
Another testament to the effectiveness of this forum and the caliber of the people here.
Incidentally, when I use the word “strength”, I don’t mean I have to work really hard at forgiveness. It just comes naturally to me. Just wanted to make that clear in case anyone who is unable to forgive their narc doesn’t think I’m suggesting they’re not trying hard enough.
I’ve always been big on forgiveness, not only for others, but also for myself. I own my mistakes and bad behaviour, and apologise for it, but accept that we are all guilty of sin. I also possess a natural ability to see things from another’s perspective, even if I disagree with it. I’m glad I can because it takes away a lot of the fear and anxiety and helps me to see, especially in cases of unwarranted abuse, that the abuse is about them, not me.
Maia
I guess you find peace anyway you can and if you feel forgiveness (I’ll be honest thats a really vague concept for me just like love is) then have at it. What I wrote in my post is really what i think though when I hear that. My internal dialogue says that person is lying to themselves, that they just dont want to face it anymore and just have it go away. I understand youre saying thats not true for you but thats what I honestly think. Maybe forgiveness is possible depending on the level of abuse then. You offer that the abuse is about them and not you (me). Well it sure seemed about me when there was mental, physical, and sexual abuse all around me. No way out. I fail to see how forgiving him because it was about him will take away the pictures of abuse that loop in my head and a word by someone in simple conversation can cause me to leave the conversation and relive an incident. That by saying I forgive him because it was about him can give me a childhood missed or help me feel love. I can never forgive the lost opportunities for a better life or the destruction he caused, and my hatred for him has served me as a warning signal to anyone since that has tried to abuse me in any way, or anyone near me that I care about. I do not need to take my power back as people have suggested because I never gave it to him in the first place. He tried to take it and he failled. Im glad you have found it useful to you, but I cannot forgive. I bear witness and that means never letting go so that it never happens again on my watch.
NarcAngel
I believe I understand what you mean. From my own experience, when you’ve grown up with narcs, you get so used to people lying all the time, it’s the most logical conclusion to come to. And a lot of people who talk about forgiveness are being hypocritical or just lying to make themselves look or feel better.
You seem to have developed the ability to use your anger and lack of forgiveness like a shield to protect yourself. More power to you! I, however, was never able to do this. Maybe I wasn’t strong enough. All my anger did was warp and twist me inside and cause me more pain.
Forgiveness and letting go of the pain was the way I freed myself. Now when I say “forgiveness” I don’t mean that I excuse all the pain, suffering and shit I was put thru. I don’t forgive them for the harmful things they did to me or anyone else! I don’t think it was ok. I don’t think it was my fault. None of my narcs ever expressed any regret for making my life hell and I DONT forgive them for that!
What I forgive them for is for being warped and twisted humans who couldn’t love and had no empathy. I forgive them for that because I truly don’t think they had any control over it and also because letting go of my hatred for them enables me to heal. It opens my heart to the beauty and joy around me and frees me from the pain they caused me. I don’t understand why, but it does. I understand that this doesn’t work for everyone, but in my blind, painful struggle over the last nearly 60 years, it’s the best solution I found. And it really does work for me. No lie. 😉
Windstorm – I agree entirely when you say we all need to find our own path. We can all fall into the trap of assuming everyone feels or thinks as we (generic) do. Suppose that’s the narcissist in us.
NarcAngel – I can’t even begin to imagine the abuse you went through as a child. I’m sorry if my comments on forgiveness upset or offended you in any way. Maybe childhood abuse is different, not only due to loss of innocence, and the shame and self blaming, but also because it happens before we have fully developed. I don’t know, I’m no psychologist.
I can’t even adequately define what forgiveness means to me, but I’ll try….
It isn’t a conscious decision – it just is. It’s an acceptance of what happened without strong emotion attached to it. It’s a feeling of indifference, a neutral space where I can move forward with reasonable peace of mind. It doesn’t necessarily mean I want that person in my life, although I may do.
Initially, I may go through a whole range of emotions, but they eventually subside and I’m left with a sense of peace. It helps me enormously to fully seek to understand why they did what they did. Because behind every act is a reason for doing it. If I can try to put myself in their shoes (showing empathy) it helps me to accept they had their reasons, even if I find them abhorrent. They are usually damaged people and abusing others is how they deal with it.
But I haven’t been in your situation, so I can’t say how I would cope with the damage and memories of what happened to you. But I do understand when you say you honestly believe people who forgive abuse are pushing it down rather than dealing with it.
Not So Sad
You can hang out with me. Hatred is an excellent feeling and makes me feel alive and powerful, and I use it to protect myself. It works really well. I love hate!
I’m with you K. Hate him so much at the moment. Kinda helps with all the reasons why better off without them
Hate over apathy any day.
👍😡😋
I have no problem recognizing I absolutely hate JN and his acts. I’d rather acknowledge it and not let it fester and manifest out in other ways towards people who don’t deserve that. I blame not getting closure. Lol
Yes not getting closure has a great deal to do with the anger. As well as the continued lies.
Absolutely feel the same Not So Sad… they shouldn’t be walking this planet.. they know EXACTLY what they’re doing.
My wish is that they are physically torturef for days, months, years with the same abuse and deprivation of liberty and human rights. I know for a fact this fear of punishment dances in front of them.
I want this physical excruciating torture and I want them to have replayed images of the people in pain who they hurt.
I want them sent to a place to experience the most cruel and severe life until they drop dead. And I’d want them sterilised because nobody wants that in our race.
Inability to have sex anymore … (Yes!!)
Especially if a somatic 😁
Thought about this all day. Cheers for the exercise that I chose to use for healing rather than dwelling.
I voted for ‘no longer a narcissist’ but I understand why some would say “we fell for the narcissistic dynamic” so why choose that?
When he swooped to place me as Primary Source, I put up my defense but it was only a matter of time.
Later, I tried to pose my escape as a sacrifice to him for the sake of his marriage and not a rejection but of course that was not happening.
If no longer a narcissist, I could have been a long term platonic friend and he could have been mine. Whether or not we fall for each other is immaterial. I have value outside of intimate relationshsip; as would he, if only he were capable of having one 🙂
He’s not. And here we all are <3
My comments do not get published and they do not appear on moderation either.
Oh yes they do.
EB
Ive read comments by you. Are you forgetting to click on notify? I have done that on occasion.
NarcAngel,
Thank you. I always click on notify. Two *new* comments went missing. I did not received any email from WP (Subject: Subscribe) with the “Confirm Follow” button either. It only worked when I posted a *Reply*.
I have just posted a new comment today and also a reply and I was able to see both comments on moderation and I also received Subscribe emails from WP as well. It is working right now.
For them to feel the pain, hurt, anxiety, hopelessness, helplessness, anger, frustration, depression, horror, greif, and overwhelming sadness that they inflict on every one of their victims. To really understand the damage they have done to a many g people.
Because I believe that narcissism is a combination of genetic vulnerabilities combined with environmental factors(traumas), I wish that the abuse never happened to trigger the developmental trauma response that is possibly the part of NPD which creates the empty internal space, lack of self consistency, and the need for fuel to deal with those hidden things that are buried. This would leave potentially some of the other traits not associated with trauma, but are associated with healthy narcissim, such as being highly achievement oriented and possibly more logically minded, plus leave empathy possibly intact. So, I wish the wound was never formed and thus NPD never triggered.
Indy
Well said!
Thank you, Twilight 😊
Indy
Your welcome! Your comments are always insightful and full of wisdom.
I want a couple (or more) of the narcissists (haven’t decided which) to be my forever and absolute loyal servants and protectors 24/7. Do as I say at all times without questioning me. I want results and they shall never let me down.
Their payment is their feeling of honour in my majestic presence.
Sniglet…role reversal i love it lol
Thanks, Narc affair.
A dead narc is no good to me. Ha Ha.
That they could feel empathy
I would have wanted for him to sincerely know and feel love, and be vulnerable to loving others. This was my reason for choosing to not be a narcissist. The defenses were too strong, etched at an early age, never to be reversed. It’s s very sad thing to know a person cannot feel joy.
He will never change, I just want a forever (permanent) golden period!! But that will never happen either. So moving on with no contact, (escaping) and never having to see his “face” is the best way to move forward. If I have too, I will go into hiding where he will never find me again!!! So get your fuel from the new main squeeze! From the looks of her, it looks like there will be a huge struggle for power between the both of you. This empath, has left the building!!
I voted for “no longer a Narcissist”. I am so angry at him and am so hurt but I also do not want him to hurt either. A permanent golden period would be lovely do not get me wrong but you always told us the golden period was never real. Why would I want to live a lie? Even if I lived ignorantly it would still be a lie. That is why I want him to not be a Narcissist. And as such I wonder how he would really be. Maybe he’d no longer be obsessed with super hero or play his piano recitals at church. Or maybe he still would. Or maybe he would be a totally different guy, who I would never have crossed paths with. What it comes right down to is I still love him. Even if he was a lie and an illusion and that is what I was in love with I cannot separate the two. Therefore I wish he would no longer be a Narcissist.
Although I’m glad to be out of the relationship, I can’t help but think about the women that he’s hurt and will hurt, and that troubles me greatly.
Hello Michelle.
I understand why you say that & feel the same way . I did try to ” warn ” it’s next target but by then it was too late .
What really angers me is the way the judicial system here in the UK treats victims of Domestic abuse. It’s as if because they were in an intimate relationship that the violence somehow seems less important .
The sentences quite frankly are pathetic, that’s IF the CPS even agree there is a case, because narcs are such liars they can even convince the law enforcers that we are the crazy person & they are the victim 🙁
Somebody stop me! I have had a horrible week with my job and I am wanting to contact my ex Sociopath after nine months of no contact
HG forbids it.
Thank you. I can’t stop crying it’s such a horrible week.
Tell me about your week RS. If you contact him you’ll regret it later. Tell us instead.
Thank you. I always feel like everyone has enough problems of their own and they don’t need to listen to mine. I will start a journal though. I was going to read HG’s book “Sex and the Narcissist” last night but I knew it would do me in. The only thing he and I had together that wasn’t negative was the sex. Or so I thought. It hurts to know he only did it for power and manipulation. Maybe today, with a clearer head, I can read it.
RS
Write out everything you want to say to him. Then think about how he will respond as a narc, what he would really be thinking. Journal about what you really need right now. Then try to lose yourself in a movie or tv program and let your unconscious process it. Just an idea. Hugs ❤️
If you do lose yourself in movies or TV, may I suggest that neither be of the weepy sort? Right now, and every time I go through this horrendous process, watching love stories and seeing people passionately kiss and make love on screen makes me feel like I can’t breathe. So I watch cop dramas, not many movies and read books about finding killers. Journaling does help sort out what you feel, and reading back over it is enlightening. I just finished shredding my journal from the previous time I went through this. Same old same old. But this is the third time, and as they say, it is the charm. I like the idea of allowing the unconscious to process this horror. I don’t think we have the energy to deal with it all the time. Picture his evil smirk if he knew the effect he still has on you and don’t let him win. You’re a dear heart, and he has none.
LisaB,
For me too, seeing kissing and love making on TV and films brings the pain to the surface, makes me picture him with the new IPPS, doing what we did. 😭
There’s no upside to doing it, RS. If he/she is nasty or cold, you’ll be sad and miserable. If he/she is nice, it’ll be more manipulation and lies. You’ll want to beat yourself up for doing it. It’s like picking a scab. (And believe me, I’ve done enough of that to sympathize.) Leave it alone and let it heal. Hang onto no-contact. Seize the power. Besides, HG forbids it.
Hg certainly does forbid it.
Forever your student, HG!
RS
If you cant handle a shitty week, how will you handle the shitty life that follows breaking no contact?
Takes 9 months to create a new life and this time its yours.
Wake the fuck up and choose life.
You are absolutely right! Thanks for that bucket of ice-water in my face.
That was awesome NarcAngel! It felt like I just got slapped in the face and I liked it! Fighting words!
K…. I just have to say, I look forward to all your comments and replies. Your sense of humor is refreshing! 👍🏼🐬
C*
Thank you! Your comments make me giggle, too. We have been through Hell and back, and a little humor may help us get through it easier. I wish we could have an Empath High School Reunion; we could all get bombed and laugh our asses off, while we share our Narc Tales.
how about a yacht party in maritime waters? must arrive by helicopter..
Excellent idea C*!
shall i invite HG, K?… just kidding…
RS, I’ve been having a hard time the last couple of weeks, too. I’m not tempted to contact him, but I’ve been obsessed with checking to see if he has contacted me. I look at my cell phone a thousand times a day and wish I would see a missed call, just to have the satisfaction of knowing that he knows he made a mistake in treating me the way he did. But he has no remorse. That’s something he will never feel. He won’t feel the pain that I have felt, that I wish he could feel, so he would know the heartache and the times I truly did feel like ending my life. I remind myself of these things when I start missing him, then I realize it’s not him that I miss, because he isn’t REAL. Your ex isn’t REAL. They never loved us. They knew what they were doing and they enjoyed it. (I have memorized that mantra, HG.) Repeat this mantra several times a day, especially when you are tempted to contact him or when you are missing him:
1. He never loved me.
2. I loved an illusion.
3. He cannot be fixed, cured or redeemed.
4. He knew what he was doing and enjoyed doing it.
5. It was not real.
6. It was not real.
7. It was not real.
This hurts like hell but it’s reality. It’s truth. And it has helped me more than anything. Thank you, HG.
Thank you LisaB. I didn’t contact him and I know all the things you said. I have that page earmarked in HG’s book and read it often. I don’t even know why I wanted to contact him because I haven’t wanted to in a long time. Probably because the company I have worked for the past 10 years just sold to a corporation and I’m feeling “up in the air”. I met him where I work, so maybe because of association? I don’t know.
Beautifully summarized LisaB. I recite those mantras to myself too, and I also add: When we first met, he didn’t see me as someone he wanted to get to know, he saw me as someone he wanted to hurt.
The thought of that never fails to blindside me. It’s as if we danced with the devil. Terrifying.
ladyeverlasting, thank you for your insight. It never occurred to me that he looked at me as someone he wanted to hurt, buy you are absolutely right. And another piece clicks into place. I did see the devil in his eyes, at the end. They went black. And I was terrified. No more dances for me. I will remind myself of these things, daily.
RS, good job. Another battle won! And your ocean liner is on its way to becoming a super tanker! It’s just the uncertainty you’re experiencing with your job talking here. He was part of the stability you had there, so it makes sense that you would want to have his “comfort” at this time. But that kind of comfort comes at too high a price. Be proud of yourself for turning to this blog and these people who understand, instead of turning back to him, knowing he would hurt you again. Score another point for the good guys!
YAY!!! Thank you. XXOO
Don’t do it RS !
Don’t throw nine months of No Contact away, he’ll just lap up the fuel & you’ll end up badly regretting it 🙁
NNS x
I didn’t. HG posted “HG forbids it”, so I didn’t. 😉 I truly would have regretted it. Thank you.
Well done RS ! 🙂
I’m glad you didn’t .
Are you feeling any better today ?
NNS x
Yes I am, thank you for asking. Right now I am reading HG’s book”Sex and the Narcissist”. It is a hard pill to swallow but it sure makes it easier to let go.
RS! don’t you dare ! Just imagine him getting your message/ phone call , having satisfaction and ignoring it. He doesn’t deserve your attention/ fuel.
You have us here. 🤗
Things will get better, I promise 😘
I am so thankful that I do have you. I didn’t do it because of the encouragement from some of you not to do it. I am feeling better today for not having done so. ☺️
RS, I’m sorry for your week having been terrible. Some days, weeks, months can be like passing a kidney stone… but once they pass you feel better. This is the time you need self-care the most. Do something for yourself, remind yourself you’re better off without him by having the freedom to do for you what he has never been willing to do for you because it was always all about him.
I wasn’t having a bad week because of him, I was having a bad week because of work. I will have to figure out what to do about that. He just happened to spring to mind which made it sadder.
Don’t do it ! I understand why you want to but it burnsssssssss after you do – then you are like ahhhh oh shit lol.
It’s pointless. You gain nothing if you do.
You also don’t know if he will answer. Sometimes they do and sometimes they don’t – take it from personal experience over here lol! Not worth the gamble.
Keep your dignity…
Pride will save you lol!
My pride saves me every time.
I admit I relapse from time to time with my first psychopath but it’s never worth bothering. Mine has been going on for 16 years!
It starts to not feel the same…. they won’t give you the same rush anyone so even if you do indulge you are bound to be disappointed…
Right now it appears you want something that feels good…
That….
Won’t feel good…..
It will end in him taking a shit on you….
Usually disappearing randomly lol!
Hugs 😁
Dr. H…good pt sometimes they dont answer and imagine the anxiety from that. Wayyyy worse than nc.
RS,please please trust me when I say this. Don’t. Just don’t. It will open up a whole new can of worms. It will cause chaos.Your life tho lonely at times, is fuller now, yes? That anxiety and constant egg shell walking feels long in the past? You have new friends and passions?Keep all that, forget about him.You will not get the answers you need from him. You will not get his support. He will try to use the opportunity to weaken you further. You will hate yourself. All in all it will be a waste of time. You will be subjected to word salad, protection and stalking. It’s tiring it’s nauseating. You will not get closure. Please don’t do it. You deserve better than what he can offer. Keep walking. Keep looking ahead. The past is the past. Keep it there. Xo
Thank you so much, STAR. I didn’t and I won’t. I was sad about something at work and that is where I met him, years ago (he doesn’t work there, just walked in) so that is the only reason. My head is on straight again. 😉
Yay RS! You are winning mini battles everyday by keeping NC! As others have said, keep talking here, find distractions, do LOTS of self care stuff!! If you need ideas, ask away!
I love your advice to not pick weepy movies, LisaB!
Everyone here, seeing your support for RS in the battle is why I love this blog
❤️❤️❤️
Group Hug!!! I love you guys.😘💜💜💜
I found it very difficult to vote. I want genuine remorse, but in order for that to happen, he would have to somehow not be a narc anymore.
What I truly long for, which you did not really have as an option, HG, is justice. Unfortunately, I don’t know how that would look for him in practicality. Justice goes both ways, it’s not merely a punishment inflicted on the narc for their abuses, it’s more like visiting the consequences of their actions upon them. It is also a recompense for the victim for what was stolen from them.
I want for him to ache with grief over causing me pain. I want him to feel deep shame for violating a young and beautiful soul so badly. I want him to ache for me and my love, knowing he is forever banished from my life and has no chance of returning to my arms. I want him to feel that grief and emptiness over losing me for the rest of his life. And yet, I don’t want him to be in pain.
I can’t wish him well, but I can’t wish ill on him either. This conundrum messes with my mind so badly that I cannot deal with it. So I don’t even try. I leave him to God, and trust in divine justice, whether it’s in this life or the next. And do all I can to forge a new life for myself out of the ashes and blood.
Rs…dont do it!!! Whats your favorite junk food/dessert? Plurge on that instead! Itll pass!
This made me cry.
No longer narcissist is what I’d wish & should have voted that. Don’t want him dead tho at times he should be. I’m a big time empath not over the illusion but he still in my head and thx to your insight u narcissists r evil
No longer a narcissist.
I read somewhere online that there’s never been a case of a true narcissist changing. But a theory that made sense to me on actual an treatment to “cure ” the narcissism. Complete and utter isolation, and no communicating of any sort, not even a mirror. Only, that if tested, they theorized that most narcs wood attempt to take their own lives from the imploding, and immense sense of realization and hurt that they’ve buried for so long.
I’m sure most on here would agree that they’d be happy with their ex narc going through this. Unfortunately they’d never sign up this “treatment”.
The Greeks said that a narcissist continues to stay at their reflection in the river styx for all eternity, slowly fading into a dim ghostly flicker. I just want everyone to be who they really are.
I truly believe that the best out come for everyone involved would be for him to experience the misery, pain etc that I (and others) felt. For one, he can’t actually heal until he feels the pain, and secondly, it would finally validate what he has done to others. Heaven knows, I’ve surely grown from the pain. He’s stil doing the same old, same old, and I’ve been growing in leaps and bounds.
When I have screwed everything up & it is obviously my own fault & I can’t help but laugh at what a dork I am…it is a very humanizing feeling!
Wish he was not a narcissist
My wish would be that I never EVER have to see or hear from him again! I could care less what happens to him otherwise. Just stay away from me.
I’d enjoy remotely watching her suffer in isolation. Every once in a while I’d show up to rub salt in the wound. It would be nice to be in control of her for once.
I’d wish them the gift of self awareness and genuine empathy for others. But more than anything I’d wish for them to experience true happiness!
Hello stranger.
I wish he didn’t have to live the way he does, I would want him to be the proud honorable man I thought he was. Healing for him and all those lives he touched would be incredible.
The narcissist will never change which is why I chose branding. I wish our mutual friends knew how evil he truly is and wish his current & future victims had the knowledge to know what they’re entangled with.
I want them to experience the emotional heartache, the physical pain from the incredible stress they cause. I want them to have their financial resources destroyed and to have someone (beside themselves) to tell them they are stupid, worthless and insane every day. I want their personal issues announced and laughed at.
If they could experience this for even one week, they would have no choice but to change. But narcs are unable to change. So either way they will end up dying alone and bitter, knowing they destroyed the love people once offered him.
I only wish death because to me he is already dead. It is the only way to move past this so I pretend he is dead. The other choices were unrealistic and his death is not as he continues on a downward spiral of alchol and drug abuse and sex abuse . I also wish death because he continues to try and hoover me through our mutual friends. So my true wish is that he would leave me alone. I love him still and wish he was able to be the person he thinks he is but hope floats.
After posting i realised i was a bit hasty in my response. What fun would i be if i didnt post my fantasies of what id like the narc to go thru if only in say a revengeful dream 😂 lets see…bamboo shoots up fingernails, complete isolation in a room full of mirrors watching videos of his sources moving on with their lives happy, hg this ones for you(a room full of dogs 😄 jk), people pointing snickering and laughing at the narcs trump shirt scoffing at it, having to be a mary poppins mascot for a month straight, setting up a reuinion of the narc with all his sources both present and discarded on national tv…i can think of lots more 😄😄😄 this is more fun! 😂
For them to have a compounding realisation of the impacts and hurt they have caused others,from their family members, through to romantic partners. In the same way that their treatment of us gives us compounding feelings of pain and trauma. I want them to sit, lay there is the agony of the realisation and confrontation so that they may start to enact a plan, as slow as it will ever be, to apologise to each person and enact their self fulfilling plan of healing and the wounds
Good question, HG.
My first reaction was to make him experience the pain I felt. But what good would it do?
I believe in redemption, so, I chose ‘a lifetime of doing good works’. This could be achieved with cognitive empathy and some discipline, even if the narcissist could not be cured.
I thought long and hard on this one. I would love a permanent golden period. That’s the selfish side answer. I would love for him to feel the pain he inflicted in me. That the vengeful side answer. Then I realized that all of those things would ultimately be working towards the same goal….to have eitherbof those things he would have to no longer be a narcissist. And that would bring the hurt child that started all of this evil some peace. That’s all I want him to have. To know what it’s like to be loved and cared for. He would then have the other things I would have wished for.
That’s very sweet, mymasterstoy.
For the early narcs in my life, to end up alone and miserable, I don’t really care as long as they suffer as much as I did. The before-last who hit me repeatedly, I wish he gets beaten up so bad that he ends up selling crayons in a wheelchair for the next 50 years. The last one, I wish he would realize the nonsense he put me through and become normal and loving through lobotomy or hypnotism maybe.. lol or die of his heavy alcoholism, slowly and painfully. As for you, daddy, hope you pass away soon so mother can have the happy life she deserves at last.
No longer a narcissist.
It would be nice to see him really happy, peaceful and being able to feel loved.
Even if I never see him again.
For him to understand what he is and what he needs to do to live life without hurting another. For him to suck it up and deal with his infirmity like all of us have to do in some way shape or another. Most of us have some thorn in our side that we need to deal with, so the same with the Narc, lay down your addiction to fuel and suffer thru. If he falls to pieces in the process so be it. A lot of alcoholics die drunk, and some get clean and suffer thru. The narc needs to deal with no fuel, and live or die.
I chose “experience the misery/pain” I felt because I haven’t evolved past my anger enough to wish my online narc the best. Right now I want him to feel as lost and confused and betrayed as his women have felt by his mind-fucking. I want that for him.
That said, the online narc has two daughters. The best thing for THEM would be if their dad stopped being a narc and treated them and their mother with respect.
HG: Are there some narcs who manage to only play games and mind-fuck their secondary sources, but they never do it to their spouse and kids? (I mean they cheat, but is it possible they don’t devalue their spouse in any way and the twisted stuff is ONLY seen by mistresses?)
To leave us alone unless you behave. Except the ex. I want erased from his mind so he stops using the kids against me.
I don’t the result and the comments, as always.
Ava101
You dont ? ……..looks like you missed a word.
I wish his heart (or soul, or whatever you want to call it) would heal.
Death by natural causes. Soon! It’s pointless to ask for any other option because of his up bringing in a Middle East culture that’s so closed minded. Very few of them are free to think as an individual but they are slowly appearing. Salt and sugar do mix but some people haven’t figured it out. I do wish he and all his family that effected me and my kids get their payback back onto them in a situation suitable to effect them. They are a mean dangerous family. I will add I have friends/family that are not horrible, but they are the ones who have been cultured. They traveled for an extensive amount of time as children to western countries or have certain parents that are more worldly cultured and are still Arab. It is scary for a child to have a grandmother who doesn’t protect from a mean aunt or a father. I must say my father in law and brother in law were the exception. We were untouchable because of them and I didn’t realize it at the time. Sadly they have past and the narcs have come out to play and I’m getting out. My own insane mom I will leave her alone since she is alone in her abuse and no where near what I married into. She can be controlled to a point. Or shut down. I wish her not to be whatever she is. Narcs breed narcs off with their heads.
All of the above but voted for branding which I’m a tad guilty about. There’s no point wishing them not to be narcs, after all it’s the narc dynamic we fell for. Punishment/revenge is also pointless as they lack the qualities of remorse/guilt. I don’t wish him dead or financial ruin so that leaves branding. This way, at least would-be victims will know what they are and they can go about their sad, deluded business.
Hi Scout! Branding is a genius idea, however, I’m afraid the narc would convince me he was branded by mistake and I’d believe him.
I wish that he wasn’t who and what he is.
For them to be healed and not be a narcissist . For their own sake and for the sake of others. Win win for everyone. No one hurts or gets hurt