Little Acons – No. 33

MAKE MEFEEL BETTER FOR MY POOR BEHAVIOUROTHERWISEYOU ARE THE BAD ONE

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28 thoughts on “Little Acons – No. 33”

  1. Mona, I really appreciate the kinds words of encouragement and also the advice, thank you. You hit the nail on the head: the realization that the narc NEVER loved me/us is a painful fact to accept. It certainly was/is for me. When a healthy person reflects on a failed relationship, they take comfort in the fact that while the relationship didn’t work out for whatever reason, at least there was genuine love and good times with that person. No such thing with the narc relationship…and THAT HURTS. It’s also difficult to accept. But move on we must and shall. We have to let go of the illusion the narc created and make room for the healing. It would be great if everyone would share a bit of what they did to get to that point of true self healing and recovery. Thanks Mona. Kudos to everyone who is fighting to get back to their pre-narc self!

  2. Thank you HG. Thanks Listful Dahlia for your validation,as well, and sorry that you had to endure what you did. You’re completely right in that while we are sorry to hear how others have suffered, there is some comfort in knowing that we are not crazy as the narcs want us to believe, because the SAME thing happened to so many other people. As tough as this experience has been, as I’m sure it has been for all of you, it’s nice to come here and receive support and encouragement from people who have traveled down this same road. Thank you all for sharing your stories.

  3. HG,
    Is a guy having over 15 speeding tickets a sign he is a narcissist? He is 29 so that means he has only been driving for 13 years. He always has an excuse for why the police pulled him over and anytime I suggest to him that he probably got pulled over because he was driving 90mph when the speed limit was 65mph he shrugs and is all like I guess.

    1. Hello Abby, such reckless behaviour is in itself an indicator but it is not determinative. The fact that he regards himself as entitled to go at whatever speed he wants, that he always has an excuse (thus no sense of accountability ) and of course poor boundary recognition are certainly indicators of narcissistic behaviour but alone could not reach a determination of him being a narcissist. It is also worth taking into account that reckless and poor driving is potentially a sign of borderline personality disorder also.

      The key is to drive at whatever speed you want and not get caught.

    2. You mean he got caught 15 times in 13 years? Altogether? *lol* I got that, too.
      My exnarc did not get caught because of technology for detection.
      But he got caught for reading while driving.

  4. Sorry guys .. I did write but did not open up for any reply… still blocked. Had good reason to do it and since I did not even want a reply I feel much calmer. After a nice chat with HG I’m back on NC.
    Not going to count the days anymore .. simply try to never look back.
    What a splendid back up and … I now refuse to see it as a failure but a way to further healing. A simple mail to challenge the idiots stupid ways of disrespecting my last wish… don’t want to go into details but if he doesn’t do as I said I will use the proper way of reporting his dumb ass.

    Thanks HG… what a lovely evening I’ve had after our nice chat … you are truly a fab N 😉

  5. Hi all,
    I’m now able to actually raise my head after finally realizing that I was in a 7 yr relationship with a man who has NPD. It has been surreal. Thank you all for sharing your experiences. Thank you HG for the knowledge. I have been reading voraciously, and with each devoured book, I have emerged with more clarity. Where do I begin? It was all textbook really. It was pure bliss in the beginning. We are both educated people with careers we worked hard for. We are literally polar opposites, but he made me believe that we had so much in common. He claimed to share my love for classic rock, Shakespeare and Phil Collins. We enjoyed vacations as well as quiet nights at home . Everywhere we went, we were told that we were a stunning couple.
    He would bloom in the constant adoration. Everything was wonderful, until it wasn’t. Soon the cracks were magnified. Even the compliments were my fault. One day, on vaca, as we were walking hand in hand, an older gentleman said to him, “That’s a beautiful woman on your arm!” He said, She is, isn’t she? thank you.” There was a slight pressure to his grip on my hand. When we got back to the hotel, he unleashed.
    Why did I wear THAT dress? (he had suggested it) I must have flirted with that old fart, on and on he went. I couldn’t believe it!

    Then there were many lies. So many lies, manipulations, heartbreaking discards for weeks, sometimes months; only to re-emerge as if nothing was amiss. I was so grateful for his presence that I would open my arms wide and strong. He would promise to never hurt me again, make excruciatingly delicious love to me while declaring his undying love for me, only to pick a fight with me over NOTHING and then viciously cast me aside, a mere week or two later. His favorite form of manipulation was by far the silent treatment. I could not fathom how a grown up man could act this way. Why a simple issue would be blown way out of proportion and never see a resolution. I would text and call and show up at his door, all ignored. I would take the blame for things he had done and apologize to him and he would ignore me until HE was ready to forgive me for the things HE had done. I barely functioned in my life as a mother, a daughter, sister and friend to the rest of the people in my life. I was ashamed at the rising number of breakups we were amassing as a couple. I would make excuses as to why he was missing at xmas dinner, family BBQ, camping trips, et al. I listened and comforted him as he raged against the world, and me, most of all. He would make me promise to never leave him, no matter what. I had to agree with everything he said or I would be figuratively hit with a barrage of insults and accusations and inevitably, the treacherous silent treatment, always hoping that This time it wouldn’t be as long as the last time. When we first moved in together, within a day, he started to pick fights and issue complains. I jumped through hoops to accommodate his ever wish but it wasn’t good enough. One week later, on my birthday, when I came home expecting at least an acknowledgement or a simple happy birthday wish, what I got was the surprise of my life: He had moved out without so much as a word, hint or clue. Subsequently, he ignored all of my calls and texts for 2 days straight. When he finally answered, I asked , what happened? His answer, “you didn’t listen to me.” I was flabbergasted. I begged him to tell me specifically what I had done. He just kept saying, You didn’t listen to me. And so we went on for years. And yes, I knew that something was wrong. I didn’t know what. And I was way deep in. He said he didn’t have any problems, I did. Everything was my fault. I thought that maybe he was right, it was me. I went for therapy, alone of course. I started to work on myself because let’s face it, I was ALLOWING someone to treat me in a way that I didn’t deserve. I had to own that. Last summer we took our annual vacation. Things were going relatively well enough. He had too much to drink ,as usual, and when we got back to the hotel late, all I wanted to do was go to bed in order to avoid the inevitable tirade. Sure enough, he insisted that we sit and chat. I didn’t want to, but thought it best to focus on avoiding the immediate storm rather than one that was yet to arrive. I sat down and decided that if I just nodded and smiled I could perhaps avoid the worst of it all. In no time at all, he was ranting and raging at the world, and ,of course, me, for all of the injustices that had been done to him. It was my fault bc I didn’t care about him, I don’t listen to him et al. I was almost on the verge of tears when he took me out of my misery and told me to go to bed. I got into bed and cried. I woke up to him sleeping on the twin bed. We had always slept in the same bed. The next day I got the silent treatment. It takes a lot to make me angry and I avoid confrontations like the plague. But I was angry. I could not believe that after the way he acted, he was angry with me. Contrary to what I had done in the past, I didn’t pester him to talk to me. I took out my book and read it. I ignored him. Then he said, “If you’re going to act like a bitch to me, I’m going home right now.” I was stunned! I did not do or say anything to this man. I took a moment , but decided that I had to stand up for myself in this moment. I said, may I speak with you? He just stared at me. FREEZING COLD. I started calmly, but soon started to cry as I delivered the following soliloquy: Please explain to me why you’re angry with me? Silence, but I can tell he was enjoying this, wasn’t sure why then, but now I know that it was the fuel. I’m tired of feeling like I’m begging you to love me, tired of walking on eggshells, tired of being blamed for things that I don’t do. I know who you are and what you’re doing. You’re trying to destroy me. I did nothing to you last night, now you sleep away from me, ignore me and say that I’m acting like a bitch to you? Why? He stares. You want to be able to pee in my face, accuse me of doing it, then have me apologize to you for doing it and I’m not going to put up with it anymore. To this, he reacts, “pack your bag, we are leaving right now!” I told him to go, I was going to stay and enjoy my vacation. He unleashed! I got my book and read. He packed. I read. For one hour he unleashed. I read, fell asleep and woke up thinking that he had left me there stranded, hours away from home with no transportation.(we had driven, 4 hrs away) But he was sitting on the balcony. Honestly, i took his presence as a sign that he loved me and could never leave me stranded. I know better now. I tried to talk things over with him, to fix things, but he insisted that we make the best of everything and forget what had happened. He took me to dinner and insisted that I order whatever I wanted. He was charming and wonderful. WTF? I was happy to salvage what was left of out vacation and went along to get along. When we got home, not living together anymore, everything seemed to be ok. He didn’t call me from work as was our routine. When I called him, he explained that he was super busy. Next day, same thing. Day 3, he called. Before I could even ask him about his day, he cut me off. “There is no easy way to say this, but I need some time to myself” Why? I asked. “Because you showed me a different side to yourself while we were on vaca and I realized that I don’t love you anymore, er, I mean I love you but it made me fall out of love with you and I need some space to figure it out” WTF??? Ok, I said. And thanks for telling me instead of just ignoring me I said. You’re welcome, he said. And hung up. The floor beneath me had evaporated and I plunged into an abyss of darkness and despair. I remained in that dark space for weeks to come. I stared into that dark space all night, then got up, got my kids off to school and myself to work without closing my eyes for days. I just pressed repeat. Three weeks later, he sent a text and I was hoovered back in. He told me that he had only said that he didn’t love me bc I had always been this sweet angel and when i started being bitchy to him on vaca, it scared him.( I know. I know.) We went on as if nothing had happened. BUT, something had changed. I started to do research. This research led me to HG’s youtube videos. I watched ALL of them, I read posts from victims, I read the books. Information-knowledge-Clarity-Understanding. And PAIN. The pain was /still is excruciating! What do you mean I fell in love with a lie? The love of my life who claimed that he would happily die in order to protect, me never loved me? AT ALL? PAIN WAS ALL AROUND ME AND WOULD NOT LET GO! But knowledge and understanding are helping to free me from the tenacious clutches of the pain, one day at a time. I think that he has sensed that I’m different. He has discarded me twice since the post vaca breakup. And each time, my reactions have been contrary to how I’ve always reacted and he was clearly not pleased. I am. He texted me 2 days ago. How are you? I’m great! I responded. You? I asked. Ok, I guess, he wrote. I didn’t ask if everything is ok, or if he is ok, like I normally would or like I wanted to. Instead, I texted that I had just returned from my yoga class and was about to relax with a bowl of Ben and Jerry’s. Ok, he texted back and I haven’t heard from him since. Or should I say, yet? Do I miss him? yes, but less everyday. Do I love him? yes, but I can actually see that changing and having real genuine love in my future. Do I still crave the physical intimacy? YES! I can honestly say that I was, still to a degree, addicted to the explosive physical chemistry that we shared. But that, too, will pass. I’m now committed to knowledge and the empowerment that can be derived from it. I’m also in therapy. I need to know the whys about myself that made it possible for me to give permission to this man to treat me this way. Why did I not walk away a long time ago? Thanks to all of you and especially you, HG, for your books, for your response to my private email, for your videos et al. Thank you for being a beacon that I am using as a guide out from this abyss of darkness and despair.

    1. Wow Faye. Thank you for sharing. Your story is my story too because I’ve experienced (incredibly) the very same things. It’s so validating to hear that my experiences are shared by you and others on this site. Thank you.

      1. Yes, Faye, your story seems to be the story of a normal, happy couple at first. Two good educated people with a wonderful future. The peculiar behaviour starts very subtle and increases creepingly. Do not blame yourself for not walking away earlier, no one of us thought that the bad behaviour would increase. I believe that everyone of us thought, that the last bad event was the climax and it would not happen again and he will behave better. You/ we believe that until we see the real coldness behind his eyes. The pain not having been loved at all is very hard to bear, but after realising and accepting that and at the next stage of healing, thinking, yes, that was very hard but it does not matter any more, whether he loved me or not, he is not the one to decide about me and my future, it becomes better. I believe the main reason not to go away earlier is the missing knowledge about this kind of disorder. A relationship with a man with this orders always ends like this. I do not like the word always but here it absolutely fits. If you had known this, you would have gone earlier. So, what I mean, is, please do not look too much at your own personality( especially your responsibility) and the reasons of why you allowed such a behaviour, please keep always in mind, that you did not know that such a kind of person exists. Never forget that on your journey to heal. It makes the healing easier.

    2. Faye,
      Your comment made me cry in despair because I now recognize that exact treatment. I suppose the addiction will eventually subside, but the scars will always be there. Good luck, and thank you for posting your story.

  6. Typical Narc thinking.

    H.G… What you write seems to me to almost be cute sometimes, but having been through narc abuse myself I realise narc’s are not as cute as they appear. I want to know more of the ugly truth from you.

    Do you fantasise about killing your IPPS, current or previous, now or in the past? My narc has threatened my life more than once during his “rages” (but I’ve come to believe even the rage is a cover fo his bad behaviour).. Does he think about this more seriously?

  7. Help!! Want to reach out after two weeks of successful NC!!! Just to help him be that nice guy he once was!!! WTF is wrong with me? He is a Woolf on sheep 🐑 clothing and nobody would ever believe me if I tell them the terrible silent treatment, lies m, manipulation etc he did to me!!
    Damn ever presence and damn my terrible empathic side!

    Just STOP me from reaching out! Thank God I have an appointment with HG later today!

    1. Hi Me,

      I understand that feeling of wanting to reach out, but two weeks is not long enough for the addiction to have gone away. It took quite a bit longer actually for me to start feeling it subside, though the first two weeks were the hardest. Please know you can’t help him be the nice guy because he never truly WAS that guy. That’s so hard to accept, but please give yourself time.

      Just hang in there and surely you will have more understanding after your consultation with HG.

    2. Me…dont do it! You will only be back where you are but even more broken down the next time. Its a quick fix but it wont last. That ugly person you want to be the nice guy again is seething bc you had the audacity to walk away. He will make you pay even more once you go back. At first he will be sweet but he will break you down even more this time to make sure any strength you had to go no contact will be gone. Trust me ive been on this merry go ride 6 yrs and its gotten worse in many ways. Stay strong! This feeling will pass but his abuse will escalate if you go back. Youre giving him the green light that youre breakable and cant stay away from him.
      Best of luck and you can do it!!! Congrats on coming this far!

      1. Me,

        Narc Affair is 100% correct! I attempted No Contact unsuccessfully a couple of times also. It does feel better at first, but there is ALWAYS a price to pay. Sometimes payback is further down the road after you let your guard down and things feel back to normal with the narc. Just like N.A. said, the abuse escalates because they know we already failed to stay away AND they want you pay for what they perceive as your betrayal. You have made it this far, and you can do this!

      2. Mary…thats just it payback is further down the road and you dont see it coming. All is well for awhile then out of nowhere the devaluing and punishments ensue except it isnt out of nowhere they had it planned all along.

      3. It’s true. Every single time you walk away or (in my case), get discarded, the golden period lasts for a shorter length of time and the next discard is more excruciatingly horrendous, until that LAST discard, where you will be left completely broken and broke!

        I’ve been total NC for almost 14 months, except in court, where I had to see him, but there was no direct communication. Just seeing him and hearing his voice made me so anxious and physically sick. I wanted to run to him. I wanted him to say he was sorry, that he was a fool for letting me go, call off the divorce (again), and would I please “come home.” Needless to say, that didn’t happen. He hid the assets that I worked hard for for more than eleven years – almost $100,000. I left court with $4,000 (enough to pay my ineffective attorney, who didn’t believe me even though I showed him the proof) and nothing but a two-year restraining order.

        Every day you stay NC you really do become stronger. Every time you struggle so hard not to pick up the phone or send communication it becomes a bit easier the next time when you realize your narcissist will laugh at your “weakness.” It made it somewhat easier to stay NC only because my daughter told me that the last time I went back he thought it was hysterical how “pitiful” I was trying to make him see what he was doing. My tears were like cake to him and he just ate it up!

        When you feel so addicted that you just want some kind of contact, force yourself to think of all the specific trauma events that are burned into your soul. GET ANGRY. Resolve not to give him the satisfaction of breaking you further. The best revenge against a narcissist really is total NC and going on to live the life you were meant to live – happy and free!

    3. I’ve learned that every time I gave in and reached out to him, it only taught him the exact methods that were most effective and getting me to break no contact and he honed his manipulation skills. Distract yourself and focus on self-care.

      1. Runningaway…so true! We teach them what works and they perfect their skill until they destroy us. Stay away!!

  8. Yup so eff walking on eggshells, might as well go to war if not unsafe to do so (in hindsight physically unsafe is what I meant but I don’t think emotionally or psychologically or financial safety is ever possible and the toll of those areas being attacked by the N shouldn’t be discounted or overlooked but in this example I really had noting else to lost). Called him and every damn thing. It was exhaustipating but from the sounds of it, either can be exhausted from tiptoeing around every changing invisible goalposts, or exhausted for a reason of your own choosing 😉

  9. It’s always my fault. I have to try and make her happy. If she’s not happy then things fall apart. I better not disturb her, I better ask for nothing, I cannot interrupt. I can’t ask for food, I can’t ask to use the bathroom, I can’t ask her not to lock me out of the house. I must be so bad. I must be so unwanted. I must try to figure out why she hates me. I must make her happy somehow. I must try and figure her out. She likes me sometimes I think. I can’t be sure. She really hates me but I can try to be good. I can try to be better. I can be the prettiest, smartest, funniest person and then she will like me. I’m not a child she says. I am a little adult. I need to act like it. That will make her happy. I’ll take care of her. She will surely love me then, right? Yes, if I make her feel better then she will love me.
    Forty six years later……….nope. still no love.

  10. This is where the walking on eggshells comes in. Trying not to upset the narc and trying to smooth things over when they are upset. We make excuses for their behaviour bc to hold them accountable means to eventually leave them. To make it work we have to take the burden of their bad behaviour and makes excuses for it or blame ourselves. We lie to ourselves so we can keep them happy and keep them in our lives.

    1. Narc Affair,

      THIS!!! Exactly. If we were honest with ourselves about their behavior, there’s is no way we could keep them in our lives so we make excuses for even the most ridiculous things they do!

      I have a close relationship with my mom, but she has a lot of dysfunction. She could be very abusive verbally and emotionally when I was growing up. I remember being a teenager and constantly questioning if I caused her to say some of the nasty things she said, or if it was something in her. After a fight, I would cry all night, berate myself for being x, y or z. Sometimes an hour later she would say stuff like “I didn’t mean to hurt your feelings” or “I didn’t mean it when I said this, but I was upset.” And I could understand that, but my emotions never settled down. She wanted to be back to life and business as usual, but I wasn’t at baseline yet. If I let on that things weren’t PERFECT the minute she made up with me, she would say “What if I held everything you ever did against you? Look at what I’ve done for you. How can you stay mad at me?” So I had to suck up how I was feeling so as to protect HER from my emotional response to our argument or her tirade.

      This is why no matter what happens in my marriage, no matter how well we get along, I can’t ever move back in with her. I can love her, but I just cannot do that to myself.

      1. Hi mary….i can totally relate to what youre saying mostly as a child. Whats interesting is when i posted this i made the mistake of posting as a narc truth not a acon but after reading your reply and rereading what i post i see this within my relationship with my mother. For years i tried to justify the way she was and think it mustve been bc of me. I cried so many tears over her. Why did she treat me one way and my brother another? I couldnt wrap my head around that. I constantly tried to please her by doing things for her and going along with what she wanted. Her bad behaviour had to be bc of me thats why she singled me out so id try even harder to be the perfect daughter. Always trying to make her happy and ignore the way she treated me. Thats exactly what i do now in this natc relationship to keep it afloat. If i held him accountable for bad behaviour itd probably end.

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