Little Acons – No. 34

YOUR PRIVACY_

22 thoughts on “Little Acons – No. 34

  1. Lou says:

    Hi Sue423! Thanks a lot for your kind words. Yes, this forum and HG’s work have been a great support for me. I used to feel lonely before. I do not anymore.

  2. ava101 says:

    I know there was another thread on how some narcs like to run around naked, but I can’t find it anymore. Did anyone say why they do that? Could someone explain this to me, please?
    My exnarc loved to be naked in his own apartment, too, no matter what he was doing (playing the piano, on the phone, ….). I didn’t mind as it was his apartment and curtains closed. He once told me in the very beginning that he was babysitting for friends, several small children, and then phoned and told me he was there in their apartment in the bath tub, while he should have been looking after the children. ?!

    But I also had my oldest female friend who liked to clean the floor in front of me naked, told me about how she liked to take showers with her boyfriend in the students’ dorm while anybody could have come in (communal showers), she liked to pee when talking a walk in the woods right in front of as all directly on the pathway, and she told me that she often went into the sauna alone with her father completely naked (as a grown-up).

    I have an exboyfriend who was the same way, and told me about going into the sauna and to the beach with his mother naked, while a child, teenager and also as a grown-up, and then mocked me because I wouldn’t.

    My exnarc pressured me endlessly to go to the public sauna / spa with me where everybody runs around naked (no bathing clothes or towels like in the UK or US). Can someone explain to me why? He had quite some trouble to accept my “no”.

    The point is: they all made ME feel inadequate and prudish, because I didn’t understand it and didn’t want to do like them and simply like to keep my clothes on. I think everybody can do as he/she likes, but I don’t see why they had to make me feel bad about it.

    HG: why do “they” like this so much?

    1. K says:

      ava101
      Fuel! That is why. Your post was eye-opening! You might want to read Sex and the Narcissist.

  3. Lou says:

    So accurate.
    I remember my mother used to enter the bathroom when I was naked, about to take a shower. I hated it because she would look at me and make subtle devaluing remarks about my body. She would protest if I locked myself in pretexting I took too long and she needed to get in it (even though there was a second bathroom in the house).
    She also used to take off her clothes at the end of the day in front of us and walk around half naked. It was not normal at all the way she did it. My sisters did not seem to mind or notice. For me there was something not normal about it and she knew it bothered me. She did it even more in front of me to provoke me.
    I know she suffered from emotional neglect during her childhood but I have been wondering for some years now if there wasnโ€™t something more. Her father was a doctor and wonder if he did not do inappropriate check-ups on his daughters.
    I think he had NPD. It seems he had a second family (out of wedlock) and was always triangulating my grandmother (and I guess everybody else) with it. But my grandmother could also be a narc.
    I guess I will never know.

    1. sues423 says:

      Lou,
      I am so very sorry that you went through that….. its such insidious abuse. Its really sick… I really hate reading these stories but I am grateful that HG has given people this forum to be able to express themselves and get support from other people. I know it helps me and I hope it gives you some sort peace knowing that there are people who understand what you are going through…. I am truly sorry..

    2. sues423 says:

      That’s awesome Lou!
      Hang in there.. there are a lot of good people on here.. ๐Ÿ‘๐Ÿป

  4. ava101 says:

    That meme fits 100 %. Again.
    Privacy? What’s privacy? That didn’t exist for us children. My grandparents complained, too, that I would not change clothes or bathe in front of them, but they were not abusive.

    My sister read my diaries, took my stuff, went through my things, listened in on my conversations with friends, etc.

    My mother anyways, and also liked to shame me, she especially enjoyed discussing me having my period, or asking her about the pill (in general not out of specific “need”) with other people (and complained from that time onwards that I would never tell her anything ….). When she visited the last time, she looked into cupboards, etc., touched everything, looked at everything as if this was a museum, made remarks, … I don’t even like to hang personal pictures on the walls of my own apartment because of this and am very cautious what I share on my websites, which my family could see.
    As my exboyfriends were the same … I even stopped writing my diaries.

    My father (or rather both my parents) came into our rooms as he pleased, he just barged in into my sister’s room, not matter if she was changing/just out of the shower or doing whatever, he claimed he wanted to look out of her window … … When I later moved into her room, he tried that with me, too, but I shouted at him and called him out.
    We were once on holidays when my eldest sister was about 15 or 16, and she was in the private garden sunbathing topless and my father took pictures of that. I was about 8 then, and was forced to go topless on the beach, and to change publicly, even though I had absolutely not wanted to. And my father took pictures of my mother changing on the beach, which was very disturbing to me at that age (well would be disturbing to my grown-up self, too).

    I had the most horrible incidents with ex-boyfriends’ parents, though, who would not respect our privacy, barging into their room unannounced when we were you know, … Or standing in the middle of their apartment when we returned from a holiday (and my stuff in that apartment), … and even more private things which I am too prudish to share. ๐Ÿ™‚ I was sooo embarrassed.

    One ex reorganized my cupboards in my apartment while I was at work, and didn’t tell me, … that was a very strange feeling …

    1. Mona says:

      AVA, Narc affair, ABB, we all were disrespected so much! All disrespected in different ways. It is a shame!

      And it is interesting that English speakers seem to use the same word for shame and disgrace. It seems as if the word “shame” has a different meaning as in my native language. Even the description of the meaning of the word “shame” is different. That is not only cultural interesting but also psychological. The word “shame” in my language has much more to do with boundaries, I have to take a second look at that.

      1. ava101 says:

        Yes, but I was “beschรคmt”. ๐Ÿ™‚

    2. sues423 says:

      Holy crap!…. you poor thing… how horrible.. It brings tears to my eyes…. and makes me sick to my stomach. Talk about the ultimate devaluation…. I am so very sorry you had to endure that… I really am.

      1. ava101 says:

        Thank you, sues423!! Yes, it helps to hear that it was normal that I minded the invasion of my privacy!

  5. Mona says:

    HG, my mother is similar to your mother in many ways. But she is total different to your mother in some special cases. Please believe me, that is not better. It is horrible. I cannot bear any kind of “clinginess”. It makes me run away at once. I am surprised that there is no fitting englisch word for it, therefore I had to invent one ..Sometimes I only want to disappear and never look back. Therefore he had never an admission to be alone in my flat, therefore he was not allowed to sleep in my flat, therefore he did not get any admission for my e-mail account, my account number, therefore he was not welcomed when he came to me without calling.. All that was my luck in the hindsight. Therefore he said: ” I cannot come close to you, there is some strange boundary, I cannot break.”

  6. Mona says:

    She took the key of my flat (which I gave her only for emergency) and was in my flat, when I was not there. I told her several times not do so, but she did not listen. She sat in the kitchen and looked out of the window. She gave my key to other persons like craftsmen without permission and did not look what they were doing. She let relatives in my flat, although I told her, that I did not want that. “The relatives have a right to see the /our flat.” (It is not hers.) For that aim, she took them to the second door, because I had closed the first door completely. She had found a key for the second door. She took things out of my flat and did not tell me, so I had to seek for them for example the hoover or dishes. In the end I stole my own keys back and hid them. She rang the bell, not once, not twice, she did it until I open the door. If I did not listen, she looked through every window, what I was doing. She tries to control every single minute of my life. She only talks : We like chocolate, although I hate chocolate. Everything is “we”. “We broke our bone.” ??????? Once I asked her, if she wants to make sex with me and my narc, because she wanted to be around me every minute. I fled to him as often as possible in the golden period. . Sometimes I thought it is better to have a man who gives me a silent treatment than this kind of behaviour. She does not only own me, she is me and I am her. There is no difference between me and her. She is not able to see me as a distinct person. She mixes our personalities. “We are always late”, when she is always late. Bad character traits belong to us both. Good character traits always belong to her. “I am a good cook” she says about herself, when instead of her I prepared the meals. It is not easy to describe how she mixes our personalities. It is getting worse,the older she becomes. I am not there. There is no “me”. I am part of her body, her soul and her thoughts. I have to think the same she thinks. If I do not, she is annoyed. No privacy at all.
    Thank God, she does not talk much about me in public. It is a mercy, that I do not exist in her eyes, so there is not much to talk about me. Why should she? I do not exist. So no one knows that he abused me. She tells other people, that he treated her well and she has nothing to complain about him and his family. That is the truth. He treated her well.
    And she tells me not to talk about it, because in her eyes it is a disgrace, – of course- my disgrace. She does not know that I informed the whole family about her behaviour and she does not know that nearly everyone believed me. The rest of my family is normal, thank God.
    No privacy, no own personality allowed. I am part of her arms, her legs, her dysfunctional brain.
    Now I think it is better to understand, why I in the beginning never thought that the silent treatment is some kind of manipulation, I would have been happy, if my mother ever did so. Leave me alone. I will never bear a relationship, in which a man is always around me. I want to be free. I need freedom much more than anything else.

    1. Mary says:

      Mona,

      I felt suffocated just reading all the ways your mother torments you. She is very sick. Yeah, if only she WOULD deploy silent treatments, so you could breathe.

      1. Mona says:

        Thank you Mary.

  7. Narc affair says:

    This is what started a smear campaign in my family the boundary of privacy. We had moved closer to my mothers area and she continually would stop in unannounced then sent my brother over to do the same. I eventually told her to call first to make sure were home and were ok with visitors. She got very angry and got my brother to smear us to family that were hermits and dont like people coming over. He painted us as awkward and odd. I was so hurt and embarressed. That my own brother would do this really upset me and the things he said came out of my mothers mouth so she put him up to it.
    Privacy is a boundary the narc parent never respects. They should have 24/7 access anytime.

    1. Mary says:

      Narc Affair,

      That’s so shitty to be painted as a freak of sorts, for just wanting your own personal space! And using your brother as her lieutenant. I greatly appreciate solitude, time where I don’t have to talk to anyone. Too much of it and I’d feel empty, but some is required. If my mom lived closer, she’d want to get together daily, and she’d take it personally if I didn’t, and make me feel like there’s something wrong with me. She would NOT smear though.

      I’m sorry that your mom does this and your brother is her minion. Hugs.

      1. Narc affair says:

        Hi mary…thats very sweet ty for the hug ๐Ÿ™‚ it was very hurtful and at the time we were dealing with my sons diagnosis of autism he was about 2 or 3 yrs old. We were under a lot of stress and we certainly didnt need to feel like family were talking about us. My brother is her lieutenant. Hes always done her dirty work for her. Shes pit him against my dad as well and he didnt talk to my dad for several years which she was happy about.
        My mother never had any of her boundaries respected by her mother who was a midrange narc so i can see where it stems from. Im more hurt my brother would do that. Our family has been split up for over 11 yrs now and it saddens me but at the same time remaining a part of it would upset me more by the constant triangulation between my brother and i. Theres also grandchildren she can triangulate too and i wont allow it. She tries with my son and daughter but i confront her on it. I really limit my time with her. Fortuneately we moved away several years ago so were not as close in proximity. In about 4 yrs im hoping to move a province over to really get some distance. At that point my kids will be close to going to post secondary education.

  8. Sarah says:

    At the beginning you hardly ever contacted me when you were at home. You always blamed it on lack of privacy…

  9. Why can’t you change clothes in front of me? It’s not like you have anything and I made you so?
    Uh I’m 9 and I’m modest? And he’s not even the one who sexually abused me hah!

    1. sues423 says:

      I’m so sorry ABB … that’s very sad.

      1. Thx Sues423. It doesn’t bother me as much anymore. I understand the narc mindset and have implemented no contact. Thanks to HG.

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