Eyes Wide Shut


Will you ever recognise me as I walk towards you, rictus grin fixed across my face, eyes ablaze with love, passion and desire? Will you notice the way I keep you in my sights as my charm flows over you, seeping into your every pore and orifice? Will you take heed of the sugar-coated words as they spill from my mouth, telling you so remarkably all the things that you want to hear? Will you take note of the phrases which have been recycled again and again and possess the novelty of a clichΓ©? Will you look deep into my eyes and see past your reflection or will you remain transfixed by what shines in these dulled, dark eyes? Will you question how is it that I know so much about you, where you live, where you work, your hobbies and your hates? Will you feel the chill down your spine as I appear once again without warning at a location you frequent or will you regard it as the tingling sensation of excitement and the thrill of my alluring personality? Will you question the platitudes that I issue, like confetti sprinkled on the breeze or will you smile and nod and savour the warmth that rises within you as I tell you how wonderful you are and that we belong together? Will you frown at my declaration of love within a day and a night and a day of meeting you or will you accept and swallow those carefully crafted words without a moment’s consideration? Will you wonder how my hands and mouth became so skilled or will you submit to their heady application and give breathless thanks that they are laid upon you? Will you query how this golden light continues to shine and wonder why you were chosen above all the others? Will you see through the veneer of scathing hatred for those who have gone before you or will you become co-conspirator and sneer at her or at him, disgusted by their lack of dignity in the way that they behave? Will you not ask yourself whether their words ring with truth and why they look as if their very essence has been sucked from them, leaving naught but a fractured shell? Will you wonder why the gifts keep on coming? Will you question the forbidden fruits that have been laid before you or will you gorge on them, delirious with desire and elated by the ecstasy of our largesse?

Will you recognise me when I turn my face from you when you try to kiss me? Will you know what is happening when you are left in a tearful heap on the floor for the third time in a week or will you flagellate yourself for your shortcomings? Will you notice as the triangles are weaved around you and your best friend becomes your supposed enemy, but by whose say so? Will you fight back against the control that is exerted on the way you look, what you choose to do and who you interact with or will you accept it and allow your sense of self to evaporate? Will you understand what is happening to you as you crawl alone into that ice-cold bed, this once haven of sexual congress that now lies like an empty tomb ? Will you realise what is going on as you blink back tears as the clock shows 3am and you have no idea where I am?Β  Will you stand up for yourself when you are labelled whore, slattern, idiot and fool or will you bow your head and retreat, thankful that your injuries are only verbal. This time. Will you remember what you once were ? Will you remain bound by the chains of confusion or will you break them across your knee and free yourself from your cruel bondage?

Will you recognise me as my hand grips your throat and my bile-infused words rain down on you, spittle flecked hatred peppering your face? Will you dial my number for the fiftieth time in two hours as you desperately try to hear my voice and ask me, beg me, plead for me to come home? Will you wince as another dinner set falls prey to my savage fury ? Will you kneel and pick up the pieces, fingers shaking as you fumble for the broken shards that lie scattered across the floor? Will you know what is being systematically done to you each and every day or will you obscure the reality by praying for that golden light to come back and dispel the darkness? Will you recognise me for what I truly am or will you make yet another excuse, wondering what will happen when you run dry of the excuses and hastily constructed explanations for my reign of terror?

Will you recognise me as I cast you aside, shoved into the dirt and sneered at? Will you look up from the smouldering ruins of what we once had and see her (or is it you?) looking back at you with disdain writ large across her made-up features? She seems so familiar, do you know her, there is such a fog now and it clouds so much. Will you understand why you have been forgotten about as your numbed fingers compose another searching e-mail, asking for explanations that will not come, expressing tearful anger that will be smiled at, detailing your abject hurt which will only ever receive a dismissive shrug?

Will you recognise me for what I am when I reach out a hand and lift you from your broken existence? Will you know what truly is going to happen as I lead you once more towards the brilliant, burning golden light? Will you feel the prick of caution in your mind or will you gladly race towards the promised land once again, concern and hesitation thrown to one side? Will you notice the rictus grin once again as you race ahead of me? Will you pay attention to the darkened glint in my baleful gaze or will you charge headlong towards the paradise,Β  addicted to its warmth and glorious sensations? Will you recognise me as I close the door behind us, bolt it and turn the heavy iron key in the lock as the thick drapes are pulled across the dirt-smeared windows? Will you notice the sharpened dagger that I have produced and hold behind my back?

Will you stop and glance in the shattered mirror that dominates this place and if you do, will you recognise yourself?

Listen to Eyes Wide Shut

54 thoughts on “Eyes Wide Shut

  1. Nan says:

    That was devastating. I did gorge and am paying for it now.

  2. robins359 says:

    Is anyone having trouble receiving “New Comments” in their emails? I haven’t had one in 2 days! A friend of mine said the same thing. I’m going through withdrawals!

    1. windstorm2 says:

      His work periodically prevents his reading and responding at all on the blog. Never has lasted more than a few days so far. The articles are set up to post automatically, so their appearance is not affected.

      1. robins359 says:

        Thank you!

    2. Yolo says:

      Robin it’s called silent treatment. Feels horrible doesn’t to wake without the comments in your inbox.😊
      I am only kidding, H.G have other commitments and I have notice in the past Monday -Wednesday comments are left in moderation longer.

      1. RS says:

        Yes, I have found this out by everyone here. Thank you.😊

  3. Salome says:

    Dear windstorm2
    Did you do some prayer for HG and all of us or it was just a thinking without a clear intention?

    1. windstorm2 says:

      Not sure what comment of mine you are referring to. I do both. I hope that doesn’t offend anyone. It’s just an intrinsic part of me. There are several people I have done special prayers for, some brief and some over a period of days. I usually let them know this in advance. I’ve always felt it beneficial to know that someone is praying for you or sending you positive energy. So often we feel alone in our problems and knowing there are people who care can be a comfort and help.

      I’m a big believer in candles and I often light novena candles (9 day) to remind me to say prayers/send positive energy. Sometimes I just think positive energy out to everyone connected with the blog when I have an abundance. I have never specifically prayed for you, but I will now if you like. Unless it offends you in some way, I will pray that you always both find and give pleasure in movement and your dance. I often find much pleasure in the natural movements I see in nature. I pray/hope/wish that you do as well.

  4. Salome says:

    Good evening Mona and the other nice people here

    This name-Salome suits me a lot but don’t worry- I was not abused as a child.

    It’s more about the power of dance!
    I started to do dancing performance on the stage at age of 3.
    Dancing I feel such a intense emotions and sensations…
    And I know it makes pleasure to te others to look at me when I dance.
    It drives them crazy!
    Especially the men…


  5. Diva says:

    My heart is racing reading this……too many questions and not enough answers……..or maybe not the answers my mind wants to hear………I think I now know the meaning of the word catechizing……..

  6. Mona says:

    Hey Yolo,

    I must correct myself. She was the stepdaughter of Herod and probably the daughter of his brother. It is not written in the bible that she kissed the head of John the Baptist. That was an invention of Oscar Wilde, who smeared her.
    I really believe that she was a victim of her mother. She wanted to please her and she was influenced by her. Why else would someone do an erotical dance in front of the own stepfather and why did she then asked her mother what she should ask for?
    The victim was the scapegoat.
    The name “Salome” was given to her 500 years after that event.

    It was an taboo to marry the wife of the brother even in that times. And John the Baptist pointed on that. Herod seemed to be a man with a conscience, he “only” put John in a prison. And he seemed to be a man who kept his promises. Maybe a dirty empath?

    1. Yolo says:

      I agree she was a victim of the obvious narc mother. The mother had so much content for him because she knew she was wrong and figured by having him killed she wouldn’t have to deal with it.

      I know in the movie things were either exaggerated or under stated. Do you know where its written that describes the erotic dance?

      1. Mona says:

        somewhere I read it was a veil dance. But maybe that is only fantasy. In the bible itself there are only a few lines and they talk about a dance and nothing else. I do not believe it was an innocent dance of a little child in front of his birthday guests.
        I just saw an interpretation of a priest and he spoke clearly about an intrigue of Salome`s mother. If we open our eyes and look at it, it seems to be pretty clear or not?
        I do not apologise Herod. Why did he marry his brother`s wife? Why did he promise Salome everything for a dance? There must have been some erotical interest. I have no other logical interpretation for that kind of behaviour.

        Please look at Wikipedia for a first overview and make up your own mind.

        1. Yolo says:


          I feel the same way as you do based on the many Salome’s, Herods, and matrinarcs that still exists. I genuinely believe that these stories have deeper meanings than one can imagine. Remember the guy who went to jail had all those wives and they would give their daughters to him for sex. Very dark and demonic, the hurt and pain these kid endure is very sad.

          Thank you Mona for being open to discussion.

          Thanks H.G.

          Eyes Wide Open

          1. HG Tudor says:

            You are welcome.

          2. windstorm2 says:

            Interesting that this is being discussed now. That was one of the Bible readings this past Sunday that Catholics all over the world heard. I was thinking about you all when I heard it at mass. 😊

  7. windstorm2 says:

    Just had an experience that seems to fit here. I saw an Archbishop in the flesh for the first time today. Apparently a priest at this Kansas church is being investigated for child abuse and the ArchB was explaining this at each mass today. He didn’t say “child abuse” though, he said “boundary violations with a minor.”

    He must have used that term “boundary violations” 15 or 20 times. At first I thought this was rather forward thinking – since the priest in question was most likely a narc and any abuse would have been boundary violations. He probably used that term, however, because it doesn’t sound as horrible – not because he understood narcissists.

    Though if you’re an Archbishop, I imagine you’d be pretty well acquainted with narcissists. Sad as it is to say, probably the higher you rise in the church, the more likely you are a narcissist yourself – and the more likely of the greater variety. In fact there’s a good chance this charismatic, seemingly caring, old Archbishop is himself a narc. The cynic in me acknowledged his adept faΓ§ade management and damage control before, during and after mass.

    1. MLA - Clarece says:

      Wow Windstorm2! On the heels of watching that Emmy nominated documentary, “The Keepers”, and this story with the Arch Bishop personally doing damage control at this church you visited, I wish Catholic parishioners everywhere would just stop making their weekly monetary contribution until every boundary violating priest is turned in to authorities and dealt with as criminals instead of protected by the Church.

      1. windstorm2 says:

        It is certainly disturbing. This priest had been suddenly moved by the church to Pennsylvania before law enforcement began investigating. I wondered when I heard this if it had been an attempt to cover it up by the church. That’s such a traditional move to transfer a priest. Also the ArchB made one comment about how much he has enjoyed being their ArchB and hoped he would continue to be for many more years. Think he fears he sees the writing on the wall… also seemed like a narclike thing to say.

        1. MLA - Clarece says:

          I don’t know how the Church can keep getting away with just moving Priests around and people continue to have blinders on and follow the path of least resistance still, knowing how many scandals and abused children there were in the past. Mind officially blown.

          1. windstorm2 says:

            Your last comment reminded me of one of HGs articles about why other people won’t get involved in a friends/neighbors abusive narc relationship. One reason was people want to believe the best about other people, another was people don’t want to get involved in other people’s problems. Same dynamic going on here.

          2. HG Tudor says:


  8. Ellen says:

    Thanks to you HG, and your generosity and insight, I think the answer is now yes. I will see what that charming, too-good-to-be-true exterior hides (or at least enough to recognize that it’s a false front) and will make haste in the other direction as fast as possible.

    It is sad to go out into the world a little more cynical, a little less trusting, but in the end I will happily trade in my naive world-view rather than be fooled by one of your kind again.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      You are welcome.

  9. Mona says:

    Salome, it is not necessary. I was only curios whether you used her name because you know the whole legend or you used her name because she demanded the head of ….for her beautiful dance. It is not so important for me to know. I am only a curious one.

    1. Salome says:

      Excuse me Mona(Lisa?)
      but it’s not a legend…
      It really has happened about 2000 years ago!
      You can read more about in the most special book on the world.
      The book which can help you to reach the paradise…

      1. Mona says:

        Hey Salome,
        yes it is written.
        Salome was abused by her own mother to seduce her own father Herod with a special dance (to “please” him) and to trick him out. He promised to give Salome what she wants.,,for that dance?,Her mother told her to demand the head of John the Baptist. And he did! Who is the scapegoat now?
        If you interprete it, they are speaking about incest and emotional abuse, nothing else. In the end the abused Salome is the one, who had to pay the price.She is famous for that now.
        Holy bible….

        1. Yolo says:


          I am intrigued by your interest. Do you think that Salome was Herods daughter or his niece? We focused on her request to behead him. Do you think her request was to please her mother? If I am not mistaken so think she kissed it before handing it over to the mother.

          Either way incest for sure. I find it extremely hard to get through the first testament. But, then I am reminded of Isaiah and know that his prophesies were real and fulfilled.

          When I see the name Tamar, I question if it’s intentional.

          One thing for sure, if we read and study the word narcissism before a.d. was the norm.

      2. Salome says:

        Why do you evoke the name of Tamar?
        Yes, it is international.

        1. Yolo says:


          I was thinking about how her step brother pretended like he was ill so he could rape her and then he discarded her like trash. And, the events that followed.

          I think of all the invisible victims that endure hurt from within their own family. Awareness is key to limit the damages that occur from being involved with a disordered person.

  10. Alexissmith2016 says:

    Wide open but not sure if that makes me more stupid ? But I also don’t care 😬 Plus I always have you to help me HG 😊love you x

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Indeed you do Alexis and keep that love flowing.

  11. Cath Marshall says:

    Hello HG. Your writing is splendid. I admire how you elucidate such different and, to many, including myself, painfully difficult, thought processes with such eloquence.

    As a previously deeply empathetic woman who could be brought to tears by merely hearing about another person’s pain, I especially find it interesting how you mention in other parts of your writings how empaths and narcissists can be viewed as similar. Highly sensitive types who underwent childhood trauma. Initially I found this idea abhorrent. It made me angry. I felt an empath injury πŸ˜‰ πŸ˜‚.

    Now is different. Post abuse. I understand with precision where my weaknesses are from my childhood. My own trauma bonds. But I feel so different. Detached. So much more seperate. Whether this is PTSD I don’t know but I do understand now how feeling distinct distance from people makes one care less. It isn’t for me a (non) feeling I want because joy, love, real happiness, the wish to dance in the rain and laugh so deeply….dissapates.

    Perhaps this is the ‘normal’ spectrum, or going further right. Whatever it is I can now imagine in my being how far right narcissistic behaviour simply has no concern for the pain inflicted on others. Before the abuse such an understanding was incomprehensible to me. I simply could not understand, however hard I tried. It was unfathomable because I only truly felt The Man with the Child in his Eyes when I was.with him. That lost child. It was deeply, profoundly unsettling. But nothing like the painful journey I am still taking.

    Now I can understand and feel so much more diverse, abusive perspectives, the world has become a more desolate place. Like the first bite of that apple. Why I feel like this after the awfulness of my childhood I can only explain as denial.

    Rather than a knife behind his back I wish I had armed myself with a wet kipper, slapped myself around the face with it a few times as the narcissist to be approached for the first time and ran in the other direction before a real encounter. Hindsight is a wonderful thing.

    But I will get stronger, happier and glowing with joy once again. I know I will. Given time.

    Thank you for your work HG.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Hello Cath, welcome on board and thank you for your kind comments. It is evident from your comment that you are seizing the power.

  12. Salome says:

    When it started with my Narc I saw exactly this in my dream: I’m in front of the mirror and I see the person I don’t know.This was for sure not my face.
    Now finally I understand this dream.
    The haeven have sent me a warning.

    1. Mona says:

      Salome, I have one question to you. Why did you name yourself “Salome”?

      1. Salome says:

        Why does it interest you?
        Try to guess yourself…


        But now seriously… the answer could be verrrrrrrrrry long and maybe “Sir HuGe” doesn’t agree to make such a confession here…

    2. Twilight says:

      Hello Salome

      Did you have a prophetic dream?

      1. Salome says:

        Now I really belive that, Twilight.

        I have had few more prophetic dreams.
        Once my Greater Elite have appeared in my dream trying to humilate me (he didn’t do it in real life before).
        Next day he made kind of sexual joke in front of the others. But after my dream I knew I have to keep calm.
        My answer was so well done that nobody was laughing of his stupid joke.
        He humiliated himself I think.

        Why do you ask?

        1. Twilight says:

          My dreams come true…

      2. Salome says:

        The joke concerning me

      3. Salome says:


        Does it happen also to you, Twilight?

        1. Twilight says:

          More often then I actually care to admit.

  13. Mona says:

    Hm, difficult to say. I believe I will fall for your kind again, because of the attention, that your kind gives me at first. Yes, that could be until the first strange thoughts are expressed by your kind. I will listen to them and go with some kind of excuse. An excuse full of lies. I will tell you how wonderful you are, but I do not deserve you …or I will tell you some other kind of nonsense. I will withdraw. No, I am not interested in your kind again. Your kind is too extreme.
    No, I have no need to heal or to fix problems of men or to deny their problems or to .believe I deserve that kind of behaviour.
    And I do not think that your kind will be interested in me very long. I am not disappointed about that.

  14. narc affair says:

    I will now! Extremely charming people make me suspicious now. If its too good to be true it probably is a narcissist!

    1. RS says:

      Me too! I had one come into where I work. He liked everything I liked, did everything I like to do, had a small dog in place of my cat etc. I even told him how my mother died and surprise! his mom died the same way. What a joke! I gave him my phone number to see what he would do and five minutes after he walked out the door he started texting. I blocked him. LOL I used to be so trusting. It’s sad we can’t be that way anymore.

      1. windstorm2 says:

        I like the old poker saying, “trust everyone, but cut the cards.” I still trust, but I’m trusting my eyes and senses as well. Sometimes that means trusting them to act like a narc.

        1. RS says:

          Good advice. Since finding out about them, that’s generally what I do now. What a world we live in.

      2. narc affair says:

        Rs….lol i had to laugh at how you tested him with your number. It is sad but also maturing to not be so naive. I hope to pass on my lifes lessons to my children so they dont make the same mistakes.
        Ive started seeing these types more readily and disengage. One friend in particular i no longer spend time with bc i recognize her as a covert midranger. Shes always complaining or crying victim. Her hubby and her insult each other and she bosses my kids around in front of me. Before knowing about narcissism id make excuses for this and feel i was too sensitive now i dont have time for negative people like this in my life. Its hard enough dealing with my narc so im simplifying my life and eliminating these types as much as i can.

  15. Yolo says:

    I am hopeful i will not, although I am still struggling with the need to feel in control . I am still trying to identify the person in the shattered mirror. It was cracked prior to intimate involvement with narcs. Putting the narc pieces together pales in comparison to piecing the puzzles of my life together (true me). Its not a pretty scene but the final pieces are coming together and it may not have the beauty of a Monet painting. But realizing there’s purpose and beauty in all experiences is priceless.

  16. windstorm2 says:

    Very powerful writing, HG.

  17. Patricia says:

    Pretty sure I am spotting them now but I am SO paranoid about everyone ! I really want to trust again.

  18. RS says:

    Never again, and I have YOU to thank for that!

  19. Tappan Zee says:

    NO. And now I pray YES.

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