Little Acons – No. 49


9 thoughts on “Little Acons – No. 49

  1. PhoenixRising says:

    Yes, and according to my Nparents, I was stupid, worthless, and unloveable. I am far from stupid having graduated university magna cum laude. That was easy to refute. The worthless and unloveable labels have been much harder to overcome.

    1. AH OH says:

      PR But your name says it all.

      My mother said I was impossible to love, but as a parent myself, I can understand why she said this to me. She tried very hard to deal with me. I could never recover our relationship before she died. We didn’t have therapist then to send your child to find out why she became withdrawn and then would lash out.

      1. PhoenixRising says:

        Thank you, AH OH. My mother would tell me I wasn’t human because I refused to cry or show hurt emotions in front of her or my Nstepdad. The way I saw it, crying was showing weakness to the enemy, and my enemy of course was them.

        I’m sorry you weren’t able to recover your relationship with your mother before she passed.

        1. AH OH says:

          PR this is a trait of a Narcissist, not crying. 😉 Did you feel anything? I would make my mother cry. I hated her with a passion. She was not a narc but she had depression. As a very little girl I knew my darkness was stronger than hers. One time she was jumping off a stole to get to me and her heel caught the kitten under her foot and it instantly killed it. I watch it happened and I watch her cry as she held the poor little thing. I just stood there and watched as the life went out of the pure white soft kitten. I was sad for the kitten but I did not show it. She never forgave me. I was being a antagonistic and she lunged for me. I was very broken as a child and if only they knew about therapy.

          1. PhoenixRising says:

            AH OH, it is also a survival skill for those of us growing up in abusive households. 😉 I certainly felt all the emotions. I was just very careful to compartmentalize them and tuck them away. Anything I said or did would be used against me at any given time. It is still that way now. I refuse to cry in front of my Nparents or anyone who might report that show of emotion back to them. They will use it to exploit me and abuse me further.

            The story of the kitten is heartbreaking. I can’t imagine being in that situation. I’m sorry you weren’t able to get the help you needed as a child. I hope you are on the path to healing now as an adult.

          2. AH OH says:

            I am well. I can talk about everything with ease now. I am more normal than most. I do not use the past to make excuses for the present. I was not easy to be around. I am now mellow and only let a few things under my skin. HG has helped me recognize things in myself. My therapists through the years have helped too.
            HG knows me more than he should perhaps. Sometimes this chaps the hell out of me!

  2. Rubies says:

    It’s amazing H.G. how well you understand my childhood, and this picture says it all. I remember looking at my mother just like this little girl is, and thinking there’s something seriously wrong with this woman. I refused to try on some shoes she’d wanted to buy me when I was two, and that one event launched me into the scapegoat role for the rest of my life. I remember her telling numerous people throughout my childhood about how much she did for me, how pretty she made my room, about buying me special dolls, and then about how I refused to try on those stupid shoes. She was clearly making me out to be a spoiled ungrateful brat, and herself out to be the long suffering sacrificial mother. I tried hard to prove to her that I was both good and grateful when I was still pretty young, totally gave up in my teenage years, and went back to trying in my later twenties. What gets me is she expects me to be good to her while she simultaneously makes me out to be evil. I’m extremely low contact now, and probably going towards no contact. I truly appreciate all your insight. Thank you!

    1. HG Tudor says:

      You are welcome Rubies.

  3. narc affair says:

    Sound familiar? Its what iur narcs do to us as a result. They build us up and then devalue in essence deciding how good we are. Dysfunctional patterns repeating themselves.
    The narc parent controls everythjng including how we feel about ourselves until we learn to debunk it.

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