Poll – What was the response of third parties to your experience with a narcissist?



Today’s poll concerns what was the response of third parties to you explaining about your entanglement with a narcissist? It is highly likely that you have told somebody about what has happened to you once you learned that you were involved with a narcissist. It might have been a family member, best friend, colleague, neighbour, therapist or doctor. When you sat down with this person and explained that your partner, sister or mother was a narcissist and what this meant, what was the reaction of the listener?

Did he or she try to make excuses for that person’s behaviour, suggesting it was down to something else or did they dilute what it really was? Perhaps they rejected it out of hand and even went so far as to suggest you caused the problem and the other person was not a narcissist? Did they challenge you suggesting you did not know because “you’re not a doctor” or did they drink it all in and become supportive. Perhaps they joined you in going down the rabbit hole and began to read up on the matter also?

You may choose more than one answer before submitting your vote(s).

The response of a third party to being told you have entangled with a narcissist is an interesting one since it combines existing knowledge or ignorance, personal bias based on perceptions of the speaker and/or the narcissist, willingness to become embroiled in a ‘dispute’ and pre-conceived ideas.

Please expand on your experience in the comment section – how did the response make you feel? Who did you speak to? Did you try to change their response at all?

Thank you for contributing.

How did other people react to you explaining about your experience with a narcissist?

View Results

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100 thoughts on “Poll – What was the response of third parties to your experience with a narcissist?

  1. Michelle B. says:

    My parents had come to visit and my mother had said to me, I don’t even know who you are anymore. I was so close to killing myself at the time and I had just found HG…when I sat her down and explained everything , she rallied with me and I forwarded her all the emails that I had from his blog “knowing the narcissist” which she committed to reading to understand why her only child( who was never suicidal) suddenly wanted to die. I love my mother and thank her for her support and HG for doing exactly what he is doing every single day that I live and breathe, they are the only reason that I am here!

    1. NarcAngel says:

      Michelle B
      I’m so glad you had the courage to open up to your mom and that she was receptive and supportive. Also that you shared it here, because it may spur others to do the same and get where you are today.

  2. WhoCares says:

    I never spoke out about the dynamics of the relationship with anyone until after the formal relationship had ended.

    I had people close to me who sensed that something was wrong (they indicated this to me after the fact) and they tried to draw this out into the open. But I chose to brush them off and instead focus on their problems or issues.

    How do you explain to someone how things could so wrong – in such a bizarre fashion?…so many thought I was just fine…on the surface.

    When I did finally speak out – it was not because I wanted to but because I was in an emergency situation and had no choice but to explain.

    Once I did, I was one of the lucky ones who had somebody supportive enough to learn about narcissism (once I figured out what I was dealing with) along with me.

    So I chose:

    -Supportive and understanding

    -Complete engagement and sought to understand more

    Once I finally opened up to a select few around me; it was like you couldn’t shut me up for a while. It was like a dam had broke…because I rarely disclose much about myself.

  3. Bea says:

    I chose three options in the poll — supportive, stunned, and ‘just did not want to know’. All the same person at different times. πŸ™‚

    At first she went quiet, but that was related to her own issue of preferring to remain detached. I didn’t realize this and was pretty hurt and depressed. It made me feel worse — a failure — and as though I was about to lose a long-term friendship on top of everything else.

    However, she rallied round and seemed to accept everything I told her — I’m sure she had doubts about some of it but she kept those to herself.

    She was supportive and decided he wasn’t a good person, saying he was controlling and had somehow got me believing it was all my fault. She thought I should walk away from him forever, and I’m not sure she understood how I kept getting sucked back in! She went back to mostly iignoring anything I had to say about him, and would just chat about other stuff. Well, I’ve seen all the advice… “stop talking about it to your friends.” πŸ™‚

    1. WhoCares says:

      Bea – I hope you didn’t lose your friendship with her over it. Good that she was supportive in the beginning. I can understand the rest…Besides it isn’t worth giving them (the narcs) the satisfaction of constantly being the subject of our conversations.

  4. BP says:

    My brother is the narc. He treats our sister different, like a golden child, so she can’t believe it is true and tries to blame me or sticks her head in the sand. She is so easily influenced by him. Others just can’t believe my charming brother could have any faults or he couldn’t have really meant the awful thing he said. Or they say you shouldn’t feel that way about your brother, like you have to love a sibling no matter what they do. I can’t go no contact or I can’t see my nephew. I long for the day somebody besides his ex wife sees it.

  5. NarcAngel says:

    In personal terms, I only speak of narcissism in my family and not in the sense of a romantic entanglement so I usually hear something along the lines of:

    I wouldnt go that far (narcissism). You expect a lot from people NA and maybe they just couldnt measure up.

    I dont know that it needs a label (again narcissism). Thats just how it was and how they did it back then. They didnt know any better. My parents were strict but they werent narcissists.

    Just forgive. You cant change the past and you’ll regret it when theyre gone.

    Well I dont know about all of that but it would explain a lot about the way you are.

    1. windstorm2 says:

      Yeah, that’s a load of unhelpful bull crap that people will shovel out at you. And I think it shows a total lack of empathy. I have an incredibly low opinion of non-narc people who show no empathy to hurt family members. A caring person doesn’t make excuses when they see someone they know and should love hurt or in pain. They don’t try to blame or shame the hurt person. They reach out to help.

      And that old “you’ll miss them when they’re gone.” -We both know that’s a lie. I actually did love my mother despite our relationship, but NEVER have I missed her since she died. I was afraid I would, but I have not. It’s just been a relief not to ever have to deal with her again. And I’m sure you feel the same about your step-narc.

  6. Aurora says:

    Please expand on your experience in the comment section – how did the response make you feel? Who did you speak to? Did you try to change their response at all?

    It’s easiest for me to answer the third one first. At first I wanted to rage against the machine of ignorance. Then I realized I can only offer the information, beyond that there’s nothing I can do.

    First I spoke to a confidante. She believed me when I shared with her my thoughts & feelings about him possibly being a narcissist. I studied your writings for months after I escaped physically. And continued to study do I could continue to escape mentally, emotionally, financially & all other ways as well as learn how to change my beliefs & behaviours that were perpetuating the continued attraction to narcissists.
    It feels encouraging to know someone cares enough to risk believing you even if you might be mistaken.
    Some others have gotten tired of me talking about it a year after the fact (but I’m still recovering, I’m still unwinding, I’m still learning).
    So we refrain from discussing this topic. No sense going where my needs will be unmet. An empty well sorta speak.

    Lastly, and this was very shocking to me, some people seemed very accepting & nonchalant of the fact that this man is a narcissist. I felt betrayed. How could they know and not even try to warn me? I felt very hurt by this. I guess in some circles there is an attitude of acceptance that goes beyond where I’m willing to go anymore. Perhaps they don’t realize how harmful he can be….or worse, perhaps he has a larger coterie than I ever imagined.

    I’m grateful I escaped mostly unscathed.

    I don’t talk to the last group I shared about anymore. They just baffle me beyond belief.

  7. Restored Heart says:

    I told a few strategic people mainly to set up a support network for my child. Most responses were listened politely but had no effect. Colleagues were good but helpless. They just thought I wasn’t going to make it. There were a couple of offers to bring about his demise but without truly understanding what I was dealing with. Even siblings questioned my sanity yet it is right through our family. There is only two who know much of the details & believes & that is our Pastor & a social worker friend. The Pastor came into our life just before the Greater. She kept us going. Her description of what went on, ‘unfathomable’ & ‘you couldn’t write a Hollywood script’. I am of no doubt God put her in our lives because He knew we’d need her. Most I encounter have no concept of Narcissistic abuse. Even my GP of 20+ years said, ‘just put it behind you & move on’. The experience for the most part made me feel the way I did from a child. Isolated. Unimportant. Unworthy. No value. Unloveable. But it got me back my relationship with God & that is where my value & worth lays.

    1. windstorm2 says:

      Restored Heart
      Your story resonates with me. You’re certainly with people who understand here on this blog. ❀️

      1. Restored Heart says:

        Thankyou windstorm2. This blog has been & continues to be invaluable.

  8. Ruth says:

    I have only one friend who bothers to comprehend what I am describing. Thank God she gets it. All others, including multiple pastors and counselors have no clue what I am talking about and tend to say “it takes 2” or other useless comments. Seeking help has only led to more isolation.

  9. 12345 says:

    None of my friends were surprised. They did, however at different times, say things like “I can’t believe you’re not over him!!!” and “he’ll be back when he realizes he’s lost you” and “why would you want someone who doesn’t want you???”

    All such helpful and understanding commentsπŸ™„πŸ™„πŸ™„

    1. windstorm2 says:

      Yep. I’ve heard all of those.

    2. Sues423 says:

      I hear you 12345,

      Or what about,
      “What Would you allow yourself to get in a situation like that?”
      “Why did you even go out with him?”

      Like that’s going to solve anything now. πŸ™„
      “Oh thank you friends! I needed more salt in the wound”

      “Well, I hoping to find someone who would mentally abuse me and I could tell right away that he fit the bill so I got myself entrapped!!” 😜

      1. 12345 says:

        I just hope I’ve never been so stupid to say that to anyone. I don’t think I have but I can’t swear it. If there is a way to make someone feel worse ( which is tough if you’ve been involved with a narc) then comments like that will definitely do it.

  10. Geminimom says:

    Everyone on my side of the family believe me and support me. On my narcs side of the family is a strange different story. I had an issue emailed to me from my son while my husband and kids were visiting my Inlaws. I got the complaint of situation and then proceeded to email a niece and I went off telling her to please ask your mom ( my husbands sister) and my mother inlaw to tell my husband to be nice and explain what he is. The niece seemed very understanding and was describing my husbands behavior of being calm amongst the chaos. I soon realized that email of the niece was fake and it was my husband emailing me. She did email me but the email address had changed. He did this to me with a nephew in an email years before. He had the nephew email me and say hi and blah blah. Then they both called me and my husband said he was with him while he emailed me. I brushed it off as odd but now that I’m so very aware and looking back at my past with odd phone calls and stuff, I can’t believe he did that to me. I have a list of this behavior now. Pretty mental. So Basically my husbands side of family don’t and will never believe me unless he turns on them. And I don’t care. Thank you HG for existing in my lifetime!

  11. Eva says:

    When I moved to a new area a neighbour introduced herself and brought me a gift.
    Almost a year later a new neighbour moved in and started throwing his weight around.
    I told her about this and she said he must have been having a bad day.
    Years later the abuse got much worse and I went to her in tears.She said; “There are two sides to every story and I am not going to be taking sides”. Unbelievable response
    I met her earlier this year, having left and having suffered years of abuse at the hands of this man.
    She wanted to know where I was living now. She must have thought I was really stupid or something .
    If I had she would have been on the phone to him straight away and I would have have had outside the door at the weekend.
    She always cared about us she said. Liar
    Instead of telling her I attacked her for what she did.
    She is one of his Lieutenants and a bit of a Narcissist herself.
    Beware of those who bear gifts
    I really hate that woman.
    She stuck a knife in my back when I went I went to her looking for help because I was being abused.

  12. June says:

    Well, I, as a rule, don’t talk about it with anyone who has the slightest chance of meeting my family. So it’s just been a couple people I know online, who live hundreds of miles away from where I live, so pretty safe.

    One of those people’s mother is one, which I knew before talking to her about my father and brother (it was why I talked to her about it actually). She was supportive and sympathetic…unfortunately she also wouldn’t know tact if it bit her. When she said some extremely hurtful (but which she believed were true) things with the intention of breaking me out of my “denial”…well, I didn’t take it very well, and we got into a fight. Fortunately we made up afterwards.

  13. Dr. Harleen Quinzel PsyD. says:

    From the very start of the relationship I made sure to speak to everyone about his bizarre, nasty, selfish, self-centered, often covert behavior, and plenty of times overt abusive behavior.

    I NEVER kept my mouth shut. Other people saw what an asshole he was and the poor decisions he made (generally speaking). His shitty judgement demonstrated on a regular basis helped my case as well. He never thought anything through and was such a crappy problem solver. His people skills sucked. He couldn’t get an accurate read on people. I actually didn’t have to do much for them to see how disconnected, inconsiderate, and ridiculous he behaved.

    Here is a small yet excellent example of how ridiculous he was and how he had no clue as to how fucked up he looked. We had many fights in my house even when my parents were in the house and he proceeded one time (I shit you not) to go downstairs and walk into my living room where my parents were reading the paper and watching tv and plopped his stupid ass down in a chair with his clothing (that I threw at him upstairs) and act all “oh you know how your daughter is” even though he didn’t say that….

    My mom was like “did you guys have a fight?” He wasn’t like “yeah” – mind you I am fucking hysterically crying on the steps (I could clearly be heard) and my mom came to me and calmed me down. My dad ignored him completely as if he wasn’t there. My dad was completely cold and didn’t even make eye contact with him because he wanted to like Kill him and could see my ex wanted his attention. When I calmed down my ex said to my mom “guess I’ll take my clothes back upstairs”.

    My ex was sooo ridiculous sooooooooo dumb he actually believed my fuxking parents would take his side over mine…… DELUSIONAL….talk about DRASTICALLY overestimating how much my parents liked him. My parents HATED him. A rich family friend told my dad to pay him off behind my back to get rid of him. The only reason my parents displayed decent behavior towards him was because I asked them to.

    Ny ex never even knew EVERYONE knew our business from the first day we interacted purely because I knew inside something wasn’t right…

    He managed to triangulate people all the time and that was annoying as shit. I made sure to correct that situation by cutting out the clueless person or making sure they understood how batshit and shitty he really was.

    Again when it comes to understanding …. truly understanding… only people who have been through it seem to understand….

    With all my psychologist friends and what not there are VERY few that get it on a whole new level….but they could always see how demented he was… he was never fooling anyone around me.

  14. Dr. Harleen Quinzel PsyD. says:

    People believed me from the start. That is probably because I AM THE DOCTOR. I had an advantage for so many reasons wayyy beyond even that BUT many people didn’t and don’t understand…

    My parents (who are psychologists) and my other psychologist friends fail To understand….they saw how weird and inconsiderate he was and could point out many abusive behaviors etc but they don’t understand the dynamic…

    “Why did you stay if it was so bad?”

    I want to like… explode when I hear that line….

    I have a HUGE support network but they don’t grasp it….

    They just don’t get it…

    Only the people who have been through it do…

    1. robins359 says:

      That is exactly true! Recently, at work, I have found three women who have been through the same thing. One knew who they were dealing with but the other two did not. After I told them and lent them one or two of HG’s books, a light went off for them just like it did for me when I found out. It seems like narcs are everywhere you turn these days. It is so great to be informed.

      1. HG Tudor says:

        Lent?! No wonder it’s taking so long for me to afford the next marble statue of me for the telescope room.

        1. RS says:

          Good one Mr. Money Bags! πŸ˜„

        2. RS says:

          Actually, I did order a book for my friend in England. I think you know which one I’m talking about. I sent her “Fuel”. The postage cost almost as much as the book. 😳

          1. HG Tudor says:

            You should have said, I would have hand delivered it.

          2. RS says:

            Next time! πŸ˜„

      2. Lou says:

        You have a telescope room?! Good I never met you in person HG. Only for that I would have fallen for you right away πŸ˜‰

        1. HG Tudor says:

          I do. It is how I see you coming.

          1. Diva says:

            Do you wish on stars HG!!! It’s worth a try……..Diva

      3. Lou says:

        Because I am a shooting star?! LOL.

        I guess you also spy on the neighbor’s wife from it.

        1. HG Tudor says:

          Ha ha, good response.

          I see much through my telescope.

  15. ava101 says:

    HG, I think I had tried to talk about it with several people whom I know identify as having very strong narc traits, or being mid range or lower narcs. Would these people not understand the behaviours of my exnarc better than others?? But they were the least understanding in regar to the character and behaviours of my exnarc. Why??

    1. HG Tudor says:

      No because they whilst they may recognise the behaviours they do not see them as applicable to them so they do not have any understanding. Furthermore, since they have no empathy they have no need to want to understand either.

      1. ava101 says:

        Thank you.
        πŸ™ *sigh*

      2. windstorm2 says:

        I think the lack of empathy is the key. They don’t want to put out the effort because it isn’t important to them. The only narcs I’ve known willing to give advice on narc problems were greaters. They didnt care either, but they liked problem solving and showing off their superior understanding. Even so, it was hit or miss. Often they would just listen and laugh, or get irritated that I was talking about someone unconnected to them.

      3. ava101 says:

        Thank you Windstorm. I guess you’re right.
        My exnarc also didn’t give much advice freely, but when he did, it could be really helpful. Emotionfree and clear.
        I wonder though how he really regarded some people we both knew – though his remarks might be translated thanks to HGs teachings, especially his sometimes really weird remarks. But when he said e. g. about a friend of ours that he was a good guy, it turned out that he was a good flying monkey for him, indeed.

        But I told my ex-lower-lover forever about my exnarc, he got it all first hand, but he seemed as perplex and stunned as I was. He just considered my exnarc crazy.

        I’ve lost most friends over my exnarc, but as it turns out, some with strong narc traits, too, so that might be a good thing.

      4. ava101 says:

        P.S. Windstorm: yes, my exnarc laughed about most things, too, I will never forget his laughter.

  16. Flickatina says:

    Ok – the people I have told were amazing and have totally taken it onboard – to the extent that we used HG’s info to topple a very, very narc CEO!

    There are others I have not told – simply because it’s just not worth the effort to explain!

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Seize the power Flickatina!

  17. JW says:

    The revelation didn’t resonate with others as people could not grasp it and still really don’t. I felt completely alone and had no one to talk to that understood. All I ever heard was , “you need to get over it.” I began to journal and read about it to get my own healing by understanding what happened to me . I isolated myself and was criticized for that as well. Even me trying to heal and get over it I was shamed. I was told talking about it made me look like a fool and no one would want to date me. I was called crazy by one person and it hurt. People don’t understand and I had to accept that and learn on my own for me. I didn’t care anymore if learning about it made me look crazy. It made me feel less crazy after all the crazy making. Your books and consults helped heal me more than anything else. This is my truth.

  18. Peaceful says:

    HG, I confided in a very close colleague who knows my Nex pretty well and has witnessed the hot and cold over the 5 years. She supported me through all the discards etc and when I came into work that day and told her what I discovered she was was like, WHAT?? Thank God she listened and understood and was very supportive. She learned right along side me, and we discuss who’s the Narcs at work… lo and behold they are there as well… When I saw her today we reviewed my plan to regain custody of belongings this weekend! Safety first, but I’m going for it. That app is still open πŸ™‚ I’ll keep you posted. And yes, he’s still hoovering…

    About 4 weeks after going NC, I went to a party and saw several friends. They were surprised I broke it off with N. But they all knew about narcs. I was so surprised. The one friend’s brother is a N. Another friend’s BFF just escaped a N. And another friend had her new boyfriend at the party who appeared narcy to me based upon what I had learned and ascertained at that point. I noticed many backhanded comments and weird behaviours.

    I told my chiropractor. He said his divorce just went through and his ex wife is a N. It’s way more prevalent than I imagined.

    The only person that was not so receptive is the female friend of mine I suspect is a MRS. Naw… she wasn’t into watching your videos at all… and suspect to my revelation.

    Thank you for your work,

    1. HG Tudor says:

      You are welcome Peaceful.

  19. Ali says:

    I found my closest girlfriends understood the reasoning behind why I called him a narcissist, based on the disappearing, silent treatments, the whole gammit, and crying on their shoulder every time it happened, however it was very clear that no-one had really heard about the disorder of ‘narcissism’ except only 1. I have been determined to spread the word like HG, and I believe its helping, word is getting out there, however it’s also clear that if no-one has had any interaction with a disordered psycho/narc/sociopath, then they really don’t understand it at all. We need to keep spreading the word and educate society constantly.

    HG, I have decided to unsubscribe as I feel I have learnt so much from you and I really can’t read about the abuse anymore. I feel healed and ready to move on, armed with your acute teachings and warnings and I hope never to have to experience anything like this ever again in my life. I wish you well with educating the world and I will do they same. Thank you for what you are doing, however I still want to slap your face. Bye

  20. Sophia says:

    Everyone I spoke with was supportive and understanding. Some made excuses for certain behaviors, just like I had. Those same people asked if I could be reading him wrong until I went further into detail. His sister in law had called him toxic and I told her I thought he had NPD. She was surprised it went that deep, however, I know she agreed and was interested to hear me out. She was married to his twin and I think a lightbulb went on. Many people don’t really know the true meaning of narcissist.

  21. narc affair says:

    Another great poll! My situation isnt a typical one in that my family and friends dont know about my narc relationship. This has been one of the most isolating experiences ive faced but that being said the online support has been incredible!!
    The people i have told have been on support forums and here at the blog and bc we have been touched by similiar experiences ive had nothing but understanding and support. One of the most valuable things to come from the abuse ive experienced is meeting so many lovely warm beautiful people as a result and i feel very blessed bc of that. An ex friend who i suspect to be either a midrange narc or many narc traits did offer great support ironically. Im still confused by my experience with this friend but chalk it up to them possibly being affected by their past altho they claim they are fully healed. This person did understand and went thru a similiar situation with their narc. Its validating finding so many that get it and dont judge. One thing ive learned from all this is to not judge those that dont leave the abuse or go back bc unless youre in that situation and are that person you have no room to judge them. My experiences have been positive when telling people online that have dealt with the same abuse. If i were to tell people in my offline life itd be a much different story!

  22. Sillyolperson says:

    Dear Mr Tudor,
    “Selfie” is the new word for narcissist! From my perspective, that’s all people think it is. The word doesn’t suit the “evil” side of it.
    …. it’s too “nice”. Now “psychopath”, everyone knows, but they are the murderers in jail, aren’t they?
    “Borderline personality disorder” is diagnosed as medical and clinical. PTSD is sympathised and accepted because it’s associated more with ambos/medical, police, military and teachers, all professional. Depression, anxiety and panic attacks are now accepted as so many can relate, as sporting identities have made it newsworthy. The true underlying description of a narcissist goes undetected.
    Even the psychologist’s knowledge was with the text books. Relationship experts haven’t a clue. Only people, who have experienced it, understand. No one I know had a clue. They look at you as if your making it up. It’s a very lonely, self healing journey of discovery. Even when I explained it to the narcissist himself, that he was a narcissist …. even he didn’t get it! All a bit sad really, isn’t it?
    Excellent poll, thank you

    1. HG Tudor says:

      You are welcome SOP and thank you for some accurate observations there.

      1. Sillyolperson says:

        Dear Mr Tudor ,
        I very much appreciated your response, thank you kindly Sir. Sadly, I know people in all the above categories, except, the “psychopath” … or have I now ? πŸ€”
        I have never met anyone who has described being involved with a “narcissist”. Made me wonder, what if I was the ignorant one and the shoe was on the other foot and I was listening to their nightmare of a story ! πŸ˜₯

  23. Mizanthrawpik says:

    I can personally say that I have experienced ALL of these responses.

    My father was a Narcissist and my mother is almost a Narcissist and because I have dealt with so many in my life I give my mother grace because I know how much worse it could be. I just view her as a control freak and I can play any game as long as I know the rules, plus I actually feel bad for her, she doesn’t mean any harm to me she is just very ego-centered.

    Throughout my teens, every person I had a ‘close’ relationship was a Narcissist, I just didn’t know what it was back then. I now know that because of my relationship with my father I attracted these types to myself, and had vaugue boundaries, also my mother raised me to basically second guess myself about people..

    ‘every one deserves a second chance’
    ‘don’t be so judgmental’
    ‘ why do you always see the worst in people?’

    After years of this, I quit listening to my intuition and ALWAYS second guessed my body’s physical reaction to people and subsequently found myself in terrible situations, and surrounded by ‘psychopaths’ but never really knowing what their problem actually was.. perhaps some actually were psychopathic as well, but most were Narcissists.

    I have never felt justified in my ending relationships, nor have I ever felt supported by anyone that was supposedly family. I was always blamed for the problem due to the nature of triangulation tactics.

    When I was 18 my boyfriend of 7 years and I had a child but the stresses of this of course broke us up, his mother was a Greater Narcissist and destroyed me through the court system and destroyed my relationship with my mother. I had no support system whatsoever and lost my son who was eventually turned against me which I then fell into a deep depression which set the stage for more abuse from other people. This lasted many years. Alone, hopeless, depressed, not caring about anything and feeling betrayed by absolutely everyone.

    My mother and I reconciled after many years after I married.. ‘ a Narcissist ‘of course’ and after years of mental, physical, emotional abuse I left him, of course once again I was ostracized from my family for ten more years because he lied to them and told them I was on drugs and was cheating on him, that I had abandoned my son, when actually he had taken him across the country without my knowledge.. I have never been able to have any support in my turmoil..

    There have been more scenarios with Narcissists in my life and eventually I have cut them all out, my social circle in extremely small, just my current husband, my sisters and my mother.. always trying to maintain a relationship with her.. I still don’t know why, but I love her and I don’t put myself in situations where she controls anything and it seems to work.

    Now people listen to me because I have studied so much on this disorder and I have an excellent memory, so when I am dealing with one they are not able to confuse me, like they used to. I can tell you exactly what they did, what context it happened in and what the maneuver is called and exactly why I believe them to be a Narcissist. I am not a psychologist so I can’t ultimately condemn them but I can choose to walk away as soon as I realize what is happening and I always do now, with absolutely no regrets, family or not.. I don’t care.

    45 years of life is too much to have destroyed completely by Narcissists and I absolutely refuse to do it anymore, people may think I am cold and heartless for cutting people out but I cannot care what people think, that’s what kept me in that mess of a life for so long in the first place.

    Thank you HG for your blog, you are an awesome person, for doing this for people, though I don’t think I ever want to meet you in real life, lol.. but at least you come with a disclaimer attached, unlike most.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      You are most welcome.

  24. Let me add that I did try to change her response but she said she just didn’t believe me. However with the info I sent her, she decided her ex was a narcissist. She said he kissed her once in 12 years and it was at their wedding but he was addicted to porn. She thinks my guy felt deeply for me because “she could tell in photos of us.”

  25. I didn’t expect my best friend to understand and she did not. He was a “Godly man and could not write or sing Christian songs if it were true.”

    1. windstorm2 says:

      Your comment made me cringe. I know a lot of people like that. It’s just a type of prejudice to think that someone must be good because they appear to be religious. I call it “blindly stupid” and unfortunately run into it on occasion. People who “know” something and block out/refuse to listen to any facts contrary to their “knowledge.”

  26. nikitalondon says:

    I had one ex-N that charmed everybody so i was blamed for having left him and the abuse. The others I was understood and acknowledged but blamed for choosing wromg.

  27. sarabella says:

    I selected the ones where it became my problem. I heard, “Be the change you want to be”, “Think of his childhood, he was set up to be have it all but not taught how to get there”, etc, etc.

    But I also did have 2 people immediately say he is a loser and toxic and abuser and not well in his head. But even they continue to be friends with him. This bothers me a ton as its like saying it really doesn’t matter what he does to people in the end. And my reaction to this has left its own toxic mess in me that I can’t seem to get rid of even now, with all I know.

  28. Salome says:

    I hate to talk about my problems, it was the others who have started the challenge.

    1)It was a 60 years old women (a colegue) who has warned me who is my predator.

    First she has asked me why he is staring at me such a strange way and what he wants from me.
    After she has told me how he behaved with his wife (now ex).
    That he cares to much anout himself.
    She has even named him a Narc.

    She was realy seeking to inderstand more.
    And she was warried about me…
    Maybe should I call her a “friend” not a “colegue”?

    2)My sister has worned me after having a bad dream about him and me.

    1. Salome says:

      “aBout” and “Undetstand”

  29. K says:

    I live in the Tower of Babel; most of the people around me do not understand me or even care.

  30. Lou says:

    I told my younger sister first. She listened to me and agreed with many things I said. But the conversation did not have much effect on her. At the time, I did not know all the things I know now about NPD, so I may have not described the disorder clearly enough. However, by the time I told her, she had been married with a narc and had already divorced him. And she has a narc mother and older sister, but she still does not seem to care and be interested on the subject. She is into yoga and energy healing, and that seems to work for her. She manipulates and even gaslights sometimes, but does not seem to have NPD (although I doubt it sometimes); she does seem to have genuine empathy though. I believe she is now saying I am what I think my mother and ex-husband are (namely a narc). I think she says I am projecting the behaviors on the people I am pointing at. I believe my younger sister needs to reject anything I say because we were programmed to compete with each other all our life.
    I then told some cousins of mine. One of them is empathy personified. She was married with a sociopath some years. I think a lot of what I said resonated with her. However, her dad, my uncle (my mother’s brother) is a narc too, and at the time he really hated me for standing up to him. He smeared me too. Consequently, I am not very popular among the members of that family. I now believe one of my cousins is also a narc, but I am not sure. I have not had enough contact with her to be sure.
    I then told another cousin. She did agree with many things I said (I am pretty sure her dad had NPD too) but diluted the whole thing and told me I should open my heart and love them. She gave me a nice speech about love and its healing powers (a philosophy my younger sister adheres to as well). For my cousin and my sister I am just stuck in the past and took everything too seriously. I just needed to let go. I was emotional at the time and too eager to let people know, I admit it. My mother was really playing games and smearing me around, so I see why they said it.
    The thing is, they would have supported me 100% had I told them that my ex was the narc. They would have told me to leave him and continue with my life. But I was talking about my own mother, and that is a hard thing for others to accept. The cousin that was married with a sociopath even talks about emotional abuse, yet she has not realized her own father is abusive. He is a mid-ranger and more difficult to spot, but I think that the abuse is very evident in that family. I really think people are much more reluctant to admit there is a problem in their own family.
    All this was very frustrating for me. It still is when I have contact with some members of the family. I know I did a lot of mistakes when I told them about my mother’s NPD but I cannot go back in time. I have distanced myself and have found that I am much happier when I keep my distance. A part of me would still want to see more justice done but I know it does not work that way.
    I could write more about this subject but this post is already too long. Apologies.

    1. windstorm2 says:

      I got zero support from my family too about my mother. I agree that when others are involved with the narc too, they usually don’t want to admit the person is a narc. It messes up their comfortable world view and makes it too hard to keep their heads in the sand. And like you said, in a family with narcs, they will smear anyone who doesn’t toe the family line. I’ve had to cut off my family, too. You’d think your family would be the most supportive, but that often just doesn’t happen.

      1. Lou says:

        Hi Windstorm,
        It was pretty tough for me to have to give up and take distance from my whole family and just let them think I am everything they say I am. But it has been also a good growing experience.
        It become a little sad when I read the posts of people who were supported by their close ones. But it also gives me hope because it means people are becoming more and more aware of NPD.
        I have never told you but I love your pic with your cute grand daughter.

        1. windstorm2 says:

          Thank you! I think that pic shows my character fairly well, at least how I think of myself. And of course, she is a cutie!

          I know what you mean about your family. My daughter doesn’t understand why I avoid my aunt and uncle (who smeared me) and cousins (who believed them). She thinks it shows weakness on my part not to step forward and show them love and be there for them in their old age. She keeps in touch with them, but then she’s one of those fiery super empaths who can use her own narc traits to defend herself. I dont have that defense and I am just not willing to put myself at risk of cutting verbal abuse for people who still think so lowly of me. It probably does show weakness and certainly some fear, but sometimes discretion is the better part of valor.

      2. Lou says:

        *I become a little sad

      3. Lou says:

        Windstorm, I understand you perfectly. Many members of my family do not understand no contact. Many think nobody is perfect and no one deserves to be ignored, especially an old mother who did not have a perfect childhood and did her best for her daughters. They believe I am resentful and the bad one because I do not show compassion toward her and avoid having contact with her. They do not get I avoid her to protect myself. They just do not know her enough.
        My sisters are the ones who know her the way I do. My older sister is a narc and is gaining fuel out of the situation (she hates me) and the younger one thinks all you need is love (but she does not have me in her heart neither although she pretends she does. Very old rivalry).
        Have a good day, Windstorm and thanks for sharing.

  31. MLA - Clarece says:

    I think I’m lucky and found myself in the unique situation that my few close girlfriends I confided in (about 4) were very receptive, especially my best friend who was there the day I met JN and he was a friend of the family through her son.
    Over a three year period, there were times I was eating and hanging out with a friend relaying the latest fight or… reappearance with a fantastic time that lead to a disappearance and he would start texting out of the blue for them to witness he’s push / pull, Jekyll and Hyde behavior. There was no question in any of their minds that he was becoming more and more emotionally abusive and toxic for me. If that can carry the label “narcissism”, they were accepting of that. The hardest part for them, to this day, was understanding why I felt so bonded and linked to him and not able to walk away for the longest time. Someone who sees your innermost insecurities and uses them against you, makes you desperately want to turn that around. They hated seeing the toll it took on me. So I’m lucky though that I did not have to deal too bad with being smeared or considered crazy by my friends or family. I believe that is also due to the age difference and more and more I know I was a DLS for him over time and he had nothing to do with the circles I socialize or work with.
    It can only be that more devastating having close friends or professional colleagues turn their backs on you.

    1. robins359 says:

      “The hardest part for them, to this day, was understanding why I felt so bonded and linked to him and not able to walk away for the longest time. They hated seeing the toll it took on me”.

      That was the same in my situation also, MLA. They could see he was a bad seed but unless you have been ensnared by one of them, they had no idea of how to relate.

      1. MLA - Clarece says:

        Hi Robins359! Yes, and the day comes when you know you can’t wear out the welcome mat on discussing or analyzing their crazy behavior anymore with your friends because as much as they agree it is crazy behavior, they can’t grasp how we aren’t as thoroughly disgusted as them to even keep communicating with them.

        1. windstorm2 says:

          That is too true! I’ve really distanced myself from 2 of my long-time close friends because not only can they not understand my reactions, I felt that they have judged me unfavorably for my need to understand all about my Moron in Munich and his midrange narcissism. They don’t understand why I want to better understand how my childhood affected me – “the past is in the past. Just leave it alone.”

          My definition of a close friend requires an open mind and a whole lot of tolerance. I don’t feel either of those things from them. I don’t mention narcissism to them, but they will bring it up and smirk like it’s some type of standing joke between them. It has ruined our friendship for me.

          1. MLA - Clarece says:

            Some people just seem to lack any depth what so ever. I’m sorry that happened to you. The standing “joke” between the other two friends in your presence sounds like the frenemy dynamic going on and you sure don’t need any more of that grief. It makes me want to extend Tina Fey’s “sheetcaking” movement (in response to Charlottesville on SNL last weekend) to this too.
            Let’s go find a nice bakery run by a kind Empath, get a big sheet cake with unicorns and rainbows and dive in eating the whole thing. No dealing with Hoovers, silent treatments, back handed compliments, two-faced friends placating our obvious delusions of insisting narcissism isn’t just someone being an island of one’s self. Just dive into a deliciously divine comfort cake of yummy goodness.

          2. windstorm2 says:

            Sounds good! The understanding company as well as the cake!

        2. robins359 says:

          That is exactly right! They will never know until they have been there. That is why this blog is so precious to me.

          1. MLA - Clarece says:

            Yes, because we all get when someone comes on here saying I’m having a bad day. I want to text or call him to check on him, yell at him, tell him I miss him or whatever and there’s no logic it to it. It just creeps up. This is a most special, unique place with so many genuine and goid-hearted people!

          2. windstorm2 says:


          3. robins359 says:

            Perfectly put! πŸ˜‰

  32. Sues423 says:

    This is a very good question.
    I am met with a lackadaisical attitude towards the subject. The word narcissist has the connotation of just being “selfish.” It is hard for people to completely understand the disorder when that word is used. Also because it is difficult to tell whether it is a full blown Narc or just someone that has a lot of traits, or if their facade is really well constructed. “Nah, that’s not him, he’s very caring to our children, animals etc.” so they dismiss it. Not realizing that it’s all bullshit. So they dismiss you like you’re giving them a dramatic explination.

    1. Sues423 says:

      I should have spoke on both sides… when I explain that my ex husband had NPD, I am met with the same reactions as I stated above with a sprinkle of doubt that maybe it was me. My closest family member do seem to comprehend though becuase the saw it first hand. His family didn’t want to even hear it, they totally blamed me for everything at the time.

      1. Sues423 says:


  33. Lisa says:

    The word Narcisisst was becoming the new ‘it’ word at the time. People were just starting to hear of it, and get it. Those that knew the tHiNg could see clearly for themselves after some time, that there was something seriously wrong with him. Those people that didnt, didnt matter anyway…..

  34. Star says:

    I was fortunate to have an amazing support system, and I can honestly say that the people who love me never doubted me. They had seen me go from a confident, happy, energetic person, to the broken, anxious , withdrawn ghost of who I was. At times though they were pretty blunt as to wondering why I seemed so stuck and obsessed with him. In their eyes he didn’t seem worthy of all that energy and tears from me.But all in all these were the people who helped me get my footing, who reminded me of my strengths when I felt weak, got me out of the house when I tried to isolate myself. These are the people that reminded me that my world was so full, and that he was not as important as I was making him:)

  35. Elise says:

    Friend says, “You need to stop saying that. You sound crazy.” Therapist says, “We don’t diagnose people without seeing them”. Beyond frustrating. Made me want to scream! Thank you HG for validating me when no one else would.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      You are welcome Elise, I may often disagree with people but they are always entitled to express constructive opinions in this forum.

  36. Cc says:

    My sister tells me he’s wearing off on me.

  37. Indy says:

    I was extremely lucky. I got my first warning before I met him. A friend of mine commented on his eyes looking vacant in a picture (A friend who is a psychologist who used to work with sex offenders). She had my dating back, always. Then, when I questioned narcissism, my clinical supervisor confirmed it and sent me here for more information. I was very lucky to be surrounded by friends in the mental health field that had some knowledge. My other friends and family also supported me. He did not get a chance to meet or charm them, like a greater would.

    I am also lucky that I always had friends and family that had my back, not my various exes.

    I feel for all of you that were never believed or supported or validated. Just know, I am taking this knowledge (personal experience and knowledge gained here) with me in my therapy practice too.

  38. Stumbling Around says:

    I have experienced ridicule, and total denial when trying to explain my experience. Occasionally, I meet someone who has knowledge and watch their eyes go wide when I tell them why I’m now much less trusting. They tend to be fellow Empath’s.

  39. robins359 says:

    I told my daughter first after I found out what he was. She was not shocked as she told me all along that he was “creepy and not even cute”. She would get mad at me whenever I would let him back after a silent treatment and/or after the horrible things he did to me.

    I told my boss next because we are very close and she kept mentioning how much I had changed and was always asking me what was wrong. I wasn’t my same happy self. She agreed with my findings when I told her what he was and said it all made sense. (she never liked him either) She knew him because I met him at work. He delivered medical equipment there and came around often. I told other co-workers as well and they believed me and was glad I was finally seeing what they had been seeing all along. One co-worker told me just shortly after I started seeing him to “watch out for him, he is bad news, I just feel it”. I wish I had listened to her.

    I told my sister and brothers next. They then went on to tell me my father was a narcissist. I always thought he was just a mean bastard.

  40. M. says:

    I was talking -and still do-to more than one friends, female mostly. They were supportive, from one point on, bc they saw me suffering, but they did not understand why I kept on with this person. They did not understand AT ALL. Which means that they started blaming me for weakness(one old friendship was totally destroyed bc of this).When I discovered everything about narcissism and tried to explain, they nodded sympathetically but could not really grasp it. I am sure they thought I am over-analysing. Let me be clear, they all hated the guy, and one or two believe he is crazy, but the narc thing they do not believe. I tried to talk about you, HG, to 2 very close girlfriends. They were not persuaded to look further. Maybe it is my country, but people here are blind as far as narcissism is concerned. And if they are blind, no matter how much they love you, it is impossible for them to trully help. So, it is just me, you and the nice women in here that can share each other’s thoughts and make a difference.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Thank you for expanding on that M.

    2. MLA - Clarece says:

      I hear you, M. My best friend is very receptive as she had a Narc relationship prior to meeting her current husband. His ex wife is a Narc and causes turmoil with co-parenting the child they share. I’ve recently shared a couple of HG’s articles with her. My other friends, although supportive, see it as great, you have a label for all the nasty acts he’s done to you, so stay away. If they don’t see a relevance how they may be suffering from a Narc relationship, and they may not be, they have no need to research this alongside me. They see it as toxic, mean behavior and think it should be easy enough to move past. This is a fabulous outlet to feel validated with the struggle to move past.

  41. Coop says:

    My father was the one that gave me the idea and others knew he wasn’t right

  42. Anne says:

    My children, whom have seen me in two very abusive relationships before where pissed beyond compare. My son still would like to beat him. It took me awhile to tell them details knowing they would be upset with me too for not running, since they saw me through some nightmares before. It helped saying it, because i was so numb to some of the verbal assaults, until i heard them come out of my mouth. Bad, bad, bad!

  43. DebbieWolf says:

    People had seen the detrimental effect upon me in the end and based on that and people knowing me.. and had already been telling me to end it out of concern, everyone was supportive and cared.

  44. windstorm2 says:

    Hey! As always, enjoy another poll!

    Mine overwhelmingly have been shocked and accepting – no matter what narcissist I was talking about. I believe this is because I am an invariably honest person and never hide or cover up negative things. Also I am very honest with myself and never pretend that things are better than they are. So while they may not personally see the abusive/negative behavior of the narc, I will have spoken if it from the beginning of the relationship, just the same as I have spoken about any other events.

    A few people have been supportive and understanding – probably more supportive than understanding. Almost everyone will express some form of sympathy, but most people just don’t understand narcissism or why anyone would put up with it. And of course when I was struggling with understanding it myself and trying to figure out what was best to do, basically everyone reached a limit of being willing to listen and help me think things thru. To them the answer was obvious and they lost patience with my need for thorough understanding.

    The only time people refused to listen and just did not want to know was about my mother when I was a child. Her relatives just cut me off and became angry when I mentioned things she did that really hurt me. Even my father would just seem sad and do nothing. Some would blame me, but some would defend her because she had a difficult childhood herself. But no one wanted to hear about it. I was supposed to suck it up and be grateful for what I had. Even now, 45-50 years later, thinking about this makes me angry.

  45. malo says:

    Thankfully my two best friends believed me and even helped me with my internet search. We combined our memories of the N. behavior towards me and them during my relationship and I had an extra confirmation that I am not crazy!!! It was good enough for me, for my healing process. I didn’t involve anyone else because I don’t need many opinions in my life. I told the rest of them it was just a normal “breakup”.

  46. jenna says:

    My two friends said ‘oh so many pple r like that. We didn’t know the correct term for it, but every 2nd male is like that. They want to leave u b4 u can leave them’ ie. when i was explaining the discard. ‘Every 2nd male thinks so highly of himself’ ie. feeling of grandiosity.
    I tried to explain that narcs don’t have certain emotions – happiness, sadness (for others), empathy, guilt, love, and how significant this factor alone is. They didn’t seem to get it. They just concentrated on the inflated ego and the bf wanting to dump the gf 1st.
    It made me feel like i shud not have told them at all, because i received little understanding and support. So i just exposed my inner secrets for nothing.

  47. Diva says:

    I have never discussed with anyone, what I believe to be my own failure, that I was embroiled with a narcissist, on more than one occasion. The closest that I have been to any such admissions are my posts on this blog and even then I struggle giving the detail. Diva

  48. ANK says:

    I chose listened but had no effect.

    As they are not affected there is no desire on their part to try to understand more or find out more about narcissism.

    General response is he’s no good, forget him, block him. Let go. They do not understand the deliberate targeting, the future faking, and for the victims the addiction, or the never ending pain.

  49. Lori says:

    1. Supervisor: disbelief.
    2. Co-worker (unknown to me Secondary): surprise, then direct threats after she reported back to
    3. Co-worker (victim of non-related narc): amazing insight, running interference and supportive.
    4. Various other co-workers are now involved in a smear campaign thanks to narc and secondary.
    5. HR: investigation in process with 110 MB of evidence in receipt. Doubtful of where this will go, seeing the games being played.
    6. Friends who know me and see my recent emotional changes: support and belief. Understanding and seeking to understand.

    Great poll. I am curious to see the results, as well.

  50. Debs says:

    Their understanding was limited to ‘walk away and get rid’. They have no comprehension of how different this sort of association is to a conventional ‘relationship’.
    There is NO understanding of why it is difficult to JUST walk away. So they get fed up listening to you and don’t want to know after a while, leaving you feeling alone with the problem.
    Their reaction starts with one of stunned by the revelation, then morphs into Listened politely but no effect and then Just didnt want to know as you are viewed as not helping yourself.

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