Where Has He Gone?



The relationship had hit a rocky patch, albeit describing it as such would actually understate the manner in which our relationship has progressed as of late. It would be more accurate to describe it as a series of peaks and troughs. The devaluation began and the unpleasant behaviour has worsened. There have been peaks when we granted you respite from the denigration and abuse, the brief reinstatement of the golden period, before you were plunged once again into another trough of bewildering and upsetting treatment. Each descent seemed steeper and harsher than the preceding one. You hung in there, clinging on to the prospect of another glimpse of the golden period. Perhaps this time you would be able to hold onto it? After all, you must be doing something correctly mustn’t you if you can get the golden period to return? If only you could work out what was necessary to cause it to return and then for it to remain, then everything would be wonderful again. It is this eternal hope, which we rely on and that we stoke, which causes you to hold on even whilst you are being spun around, pushed and pulled and driven to despair.

This tumultuous period has persisted and then suddenly we have gone. We did not return when you expected us. The repeated telephone calls you have made have resulted in a ringtone but nobody answers. You have left repeated voicemail messages and you have sent numerous text messages, each with mounting desperation, begging and pleading for us to get in touch. You have called friends who have not been unable to assist in locating us. You even called the local police and hospital to ascertain if we had been arrested or we were being treated following a fall or a road accident, but those enquiries have drawn a blank as well. You have checked our online presence and there is nothing that shows any activity there since we disappeared. Messages do not even show as read. There is no indicator of us being online for over twenty hours now. It is as if we have vanished from the face of the earth.

People may regard this as the discard. This moment when we just cease all contact with you and disappear. It certainly feels like you have been discarded. As the hours turn into days and you still have heard nothing, you feel like we have just gone elsewhere without caring about telling you, providing you with some kind of explanation or even being concerned about the effect this disappearing act has had on you. Although this sudden cessation by our kind has gained popular description as the discard, a more accurate way of describing it would be to call it the pause.

This is because although we have vanished and we give the appearance of having ended the relationship, in our minds it has not ended. I have mentioned before that from the moment you are engaged by us, you have accepted an unwritten contract that you will be bound to us, in some way, until one of us dies. The nature of this binding, this connection will vary dependent on the various stages of the relationship. During seduction we will have many tendrils wrapped around you as we bind you tight to us and this continues during the golden period. The tendrils will unravel and then tighten again during the devaluation stage and then nearly all will release you when the “discard” occurs. You may not see us, you may not hear from us, you may have no contact at all with us, but in our mind there still remains some tendrils between us. A handful may still remain for the purpose of gathering fuel. Even though we cannot see your desperation and your despair, we know that this is what you will be experiencing and this provides us with fuel. Accordingly, there remains an intangible connection between us still. Even when those fuel tendrils loosen, it remains the case that there will be at least one left which will remain for however long is necessary before more tendrils come looking for you again as we unpause the hiatus and hoover you.

Accordingly, it may appear that we have discarded you but that is not actually the case. We have pressed pause so that we can halt that relationship. At some point we will return and press play again. You may have moved on in terms of your life, trying to heal and to piece things together again. We regard the relationship just as it was before we disappeared. That is why we often behave like nothing has happened. When we do re-appear we display an astonishing tendency to carry on as normal, as if the hiatus of months, maybe even years, did not actual happen. This is because from our perspective there has been no hiatus. We paused our dealings with you and now they can continue. Whatever else has gone on in between is irrelevant and does not need to be discussed. This capacity to behave in such a manner leaves you bewildered and amazed but this is entirely how we regard matters when we do such a disappearing act. All we have done is press pause and you are expected to be ready and waiting for when we come back and press play again.

So where do we go when this happens? The simple answer is that something shinier, brighter and more interesting has gained our attention. Just like how a child can be playing with building bricks and then when a toy with noises and flashing lights is waved under his or her nose, the child wants the new toy and immediately forgets about the reliable building bricks, we are the same. We will have been cultivating and courting this new toy and when we deem that it is superior to you we want to play with it all the time. We do not want to play with you anymore. When we seduced you, we made you feel like nothing else in the world mattered and you were the centre of our universe. This is now happening with your replacement. This more effective appliance has been chosen over you and in order to ensure that the seduction is totally effective and the fuel is obtained in huge amounts all attention must be focused on the new arrival. We will have moved between the two of you for a period of time (although you may not know this was happening) as we evaluated the prospects of the positive fuel from them against the continuing negative fuel from you. We enjoy receiving both but then the decision is made that the positive is going to be in copious amounts and therefore we switch to wanting this all the time and you are forgotten about, although not forever.

When this pause happens we will be concentrating on the new primary source of fuel that we have selected. The seduction had already begun. This is now the golden period for us and her. Just like the one you had. For this to continue the binding and the fuel provision all our efforts must be concentrated on her and not you. All resources are shifted to this front and you are forgotten about. It seems as if you never existed but we have not pressed stop. You do not get away that easily. We pressed pause so that you were shunted to one side so we could ensure that nothing got in the way of the coupling up with the new appliance. We will be taking them to places, whisking them away, spending lots of time at their house, just as we once did with you. That is where we have gone to. We have gone to someone else and have done it with the intensity and totality as we once did with you.

Do not despair however. We will be back to press play again. When might that be? You will be given no clue but the temptation of fresh hoover fuel will mean that pause becomes play, although it is more likely to feel like rewind to you as it all starts again.

97 thoughts on “Where Has He Gone?

  1. Kylie says:

    HG – I don’t get it. How can my mid range ex hoover me if I have gone NC, blocked him from everything and moved? We have no mutual friends.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      If he has no method of at all of being able to contact you then he cannot execute an active hoover. There may be passive ones (posts on his social media for example) but if you never look then there is no hoover there either.Keep in mind however that he may be in contact with a family member who may pass on information by which he can contact you, he may (although it is less likely for a MR) apply some effort to tracking where you have gone to. If there is no way of being found, no loose ends, nobody who can pass information on, then the no contact is total, of course, it is very rare to be in that complete position.

      1. kylie says:

        Thank you for the response HG. He knows my phone number but that’s it. I have changed jobs and houses. He can figure out my new job though because I am a public school elementary teacher and he can just google my name unfortunately. No one in my family would be in contact with him though. They all hate him for how he discarded me. Am I safe if I don’t respond to texts (he has only tried once in 6 months) or do you think he will find me at my new job? Do mid rangers keep trying or do they move on after failed attempts?

        1. HG Tudor says:

          There is a risk he may find you in your new job, but since he is mid range he will not expend a lot of energy trying to find you. Since it appears to be easy to find where you are by googling you, he may well obtain that information. That does not mean however he will contact you, other factors in the criteria will impact on that. Keep ignoring him and this will wound him and result in the hoover bar being raised higher. He will then turn to other, more productive options.

  2. Scout says:

    Robin. I know no narcissists by the name of Fisher. Phew!! But I’ll keep vigilant for a wrinkled guy with that name lol.
    WS2. Back in your grandfather’s day it would have been very rough but today, like any large city Liverpool has its rough & dark side. It also has its lovely side; big houses, beautiful parks, gardens, architecture and culture. The outer area, Merseyside (which now incorporates a small part of old Cheshire) is quite beautiful with views to the North Wales mountain range. ☺

    1. Scout says:

      Robin. I also meant to add, I’ll be vigilant for any man that engages in throaty banana tricks. 😂

      1. robins359 says:

        Let me know immediately if you find someone that fits that description! 😁

      2. Scout says:

        Yes Robin, I will indeed let you know if I meet Mr Fisher, with a scouse accent, gobing on a banana! Lol.

        1. RS says:

          😂 That was hilarious! I’m still chuckling!

    2. windstorm2 says:

      Thank you, Scout.

      1. Scout says:

        You’re welcome WS2.

  3. Kripke says:

    What if the new primary source is his own child? Could it be that this child is the primary source for always?

    1. HG Tudor says:

      That is unlikely.

  4. Scout says:

    Hi Diva. I’m too from ‘up north’. No-one has commented negatively about my northern accent, but I’m sure HG would prove to be the exception!

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Depends. Seduction or devaluation

      1. Scout says:

        I reckon on hearing my accent seduction would last approximately 30 mins before swiftly being dumped, and instigating NC for life! If indeed I ever got that far…

      2. Diva says:

        Oh I wouldn’t devalue you….ha ha Diva

    2. Diva says:

      Hi Scout…….I get teased because I live in Northern Ireland but my accent is Lancashire/Manchester. It’s good to know there are other English followers here…….a lot of the readers I respond with seem to be American. They are all good craic and have a similar sense of humour though. Diva

      1. Scout says:

        Hi Diva. Nothing wrong with the Lancs/Mancs accent in Northern Ireland. Many peeps in my former neighbourhood are first generation Irish settlers. Say anything to them about their accent, even in humour, and they take great offence. I think the UK has a wonderful range of regional accents but many are sadly, becoming diluted with the influence of the global village.

  5. Scout says:

    Hi Robbis359. I’m sorry you and your daughter had to experience that appalling behaviour. Obviously he had no shame & anything for fuel. Mine once promised to send me a pix of his mighty weapon but he never did!
    I was too general with my description likening all NPD sufferers as feral; somatics are prone to inappropriate behaviours, cerebral N’s are not,. I just wanted to clear that up. But I stand by the dog metaphor; it describes my ex perfectly.
    Btw, did you say your ex was from the UK? Where was he from, if you don’t mind revealing that piece of info…

    1. RS says:

      The very first night he came over he pulled up Google Earth and showed me where he grew up. I don’t remember the exact name of that town but I do remember him saying it was Liverpool, Merseyside.

    2. RS says:

      He also told me he had traveled all over the world, even to city and state where I was born. Who in their right mind would ever want to go to Flint, Michigan. What an ass!😜

      1. windstorm2 says:

        Well you have to admit, Flint has been in the news a lot. I’ve seen at least two documentaries…..and they weren’t even about the same problem! I’ll never forget the scene in Roger and Me where the sheriff evicted the family on Christmas and put their Christmas tree out on the street.

      2. Scout says:

        Lol. He sounds identical to my narc. He”s from Liverpool with all the physical traits you mention. Very scary!

        1. robins359 says:

          Maybe they’re related? I’ll give you his last name. . . Fisher.

        2. windstorm2 says:

          One of my narc grandfathers was born in Liverpool. A lot of narcs there would fit with what I’ve always heard, that it is pretty rough there. Of course my family’s area was probably a rough area. They were riff raff immigrants from Bavaria only in England long enough to scrounge up passage to America.

      3. Brian says:

        lol I’ve never been to Liverpool but on British TV it is portrayed as rough, in comedy and soap operas alike.

        1. Scout says:

          Hi Brian. Trust me, it’s not as rough as the media make out. Liverpool is scapegoated, even in the UK as being extremely rough and crime-ridden. A lot of it comes on the back of recent history and not all of it truthful. Liverpool has large affluent areas, and friendly people with a great sense of humour, if you can understand what they are saying! 😌

        2. robins359 says:

          I have noticed that too. 😉

        3. Lisa says:

          Hi Brian, can I ask where your from in the UK ?

      4. K says:

        I saw that scene too, horrible! And then they showed him ( the man who had them evicted) reading an excerpt from “A Christmas Carol” at a Christmas function, as the family was being evicted. I never forgot that. He was probably a lesser!

  6. Sillyolperson says:

    Dear Mr Tudor,
    My mother put me on pause for 21 years!
    Annnnnnnnd she’s back!
    I’m now her carer !
    Go figure!
    One narc existed, one died and one came back, all at once!
    Fun times!
    Lucky me!
    I now treat it all with a sense of humour… have to!
    Thank you for keeping me on track and sane !

    1. HG Tudor says:

      You’re welcome

    2. windstorm2 says:

      Hold on to that sense of humor, it will serve you well!

      1. Sillyolperson says:

        Dear Windstorm2
        Thanking you kindly.
        I’ve only just realised, I have to.
        You appear very wise and very experienced in this area. I’m slowly learning.
        If I don’t start to use humour, I’ll be like the Titanic!
        Mr Tudor’s knowledge keeps me alert at all times! Right now I have to deal with the matrinarc and I’m on code red constantly!
        Sometimes I think I can go it alone, but he is my safe haven for now.
        I have gained strength from Mr Tudor and his followers comments, as this is such an insular journey.
        I think my mum and Mr Tudor’s mum may have a lot in common !
        Tea perhaps ?

        1. windstorm2 says:

          You sure have my thoughts and positive energy. I’m an only child and my matrinarc had Alzheimer’s and took 10 years to finally die after her diagnosis (which was several years after we’d started having to watch her). Hopefully your mother is in better shape and you all get along better than I did with mine.

          I was very lucky to have children to help out. My daughter and her husband agreed to be the primary caretakers when she could no longer be left alone. No way I could have lived with her again and it not ended in murder/suicide. Just being in the same room with her triggered so many memories and brought out all the pain and baggage I carried and couldn’t escape. Even at the end, when Mama no longer knew any of us and could not speak or understand, she would look at me, make an ugly face and say gibberish sarcastically. It was a standing joke in the family that she might not know who I was anymore, but she knew she didn’t like me!

          I actually do own a China tea service that I occasionally use for myself. I’ve never actually “had tea” with anyone before though. We just meet for coffee here. Sounds nice though!

          Have a great week!

      2. Scout says:

        Hi WS2. Thanks for your reply to your cloud anology. I agree that NPD sufferers are not evil but I can say my exN did intentionally hurt me and relished the suffering he induced. Of course, our N’s are all different in personality traits and have different levels of malignant traits.
        My ex was interesting; I loved and miss our trips to cultural events, but I could never be in his company again.

  7. windstorm2 says:

    I believe I’ve come to think of my narcs sort of like cloud formations. Sometimes they appear and are fascinating, entertaining and colorful and I enjoy observing them. Then they disappear and I just don’t think much about them, until I look up and there they are again. Just interesting phenomena, but no real reason to miss them anymore. If I go out today and it is cloudless, I won’t be disappointed. I’ll just enjoy observing other things.

    1. Scout says:

      Hello WS2, what a novel, innocent way to describe people who are so intent on harming us! I’m afraid I see them as soul eaters. Maybe one day I’ll change my view to an image as delightful as yours.

      1. windstorm2 says:

        I’ve never thought of any of my narcs as really “intent on harming me.” None of them were evil. And while they have all harmed me – often on purpose – I’ve rarely sensed actual malice in them. And when I have sensed malice, it seemed more instinctive and defensive in nature. God has spared me from psychopaths.

        I guess I think of narcs like forces of nature because, like the weather, they can be both predictable and yet surprise you at the same time. They can be both beautiful and deadly. You have to be prepared and protect yourself from them. Too much exposure is dangerous and will hurt and even may kill you. But they can be fun and interesting, too, as long as you stay aware and watchful and never forget their true nature.

    2. MLA - Clarece says:

      Awesome Windstorm2!
      HG will have to make a meme series called Survival Mode with all these gems of advice from you.

      1. Indy says:

        Hi MLA and Windstorm,
        I agree, these are gems of wisdom for life and survival.

        Interestingly, my sister and I had a related conversation recently. We have come to the point in our healing that acceptance that narcissists are everywhere in our lives and that we cannot necessarily isolate ourselves from all of them. A balanced perspective of having distance and taking from the aquatintance or friend or family relationship that is valuable and keeping boundaries to keep the rest out is vital. Intimate relationships are too dangerous, in my view, at least for my sister and I, and most people as it is a relationship on abuse. With that said, having distance and being able to witness the beauty of the strengths of narcissism say in career or in the fun parts of friendship can be rewarding, I would imagine. I like how you said both beautiful and deadly, windstorm. Like a tidal wave.

        Not said to minimize abuse they engage in, but more of acceptance that at a distance they can be quite rewarding to engage with. Those cerebrals may come up with that cure for cancer, those somatics may teach us how to love our own bodies and see the human form as a work of art…the charm and power of negotiation and debate of a greater is mesmerizing. I’m not recommending that we all stare at the sun, I’m saying with proper caution we can witness beauty too. With proper and very strong boundaries. No romantic musings! Like watching a cheetah hit 90 miles an hour, while safely in our locked bus. On the flip side, I will not stand by while they do what is natural and take down a gazelle. I’ll post signs around the savannah 😂

  8. Diva says:

    If anyone was in any doubt before reading this article, you should not be in any doubt now. If you are currently in the middle of this nightmare……. it’s time to take back the remote control, that you gave to your narc voluntarily and immediately press the STOP button. Keep a tight hold of the remote control, that is now in your hands and ensure that you never press the START button. In addition…..ensure your narc does not gain access to the remote control, otherwise the control is literally back in his hands and he will press PLAY. The remote control being your mind. It’s really quite simple……in theory! Diva

  9. Whitewhisper says:

    Hi H.G

    Thank you so much H.G! I forced my Narc into breaking the “contract” (he even used that word) said he was removing himself physically & mentally from the situation. I exposed him to the world!! Is it really over??

    Thanks so much for all your great help you really are the best x

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Hello WhiteWhisper, you are most welcome. I cannot give you a definitive answer because I do not know everything about your situation (a consultation is the place to do that) but I would remain vigilant, it is never over until you die or we do. Since you exposed him, he has withdrawn but subject to other factors, he is likely to return.

      1. Whitewhisper says:

        He said he is no longer thinking or seeking contact with me. He’s a Malignant Narcissist. He will want revenge at some point. The winner always has the least to lose though….

  10. Anne says:

    Wow, every time i read these articles i wanna hurl. Perfect description of what I’m seeing. Still broke hearted, but wondering what is wrong with my head. What a s*** storm! So messed up.

    1. gabbanzobean says:

      Yep me too. Is it creepy that mine actually said “it feels like we have just press the pause button between us”…? last time we spoke. I have yet to experience rewind though. There has been no return of this “golden period”. Actually he has said numerous times “it will never be the way it was with us”…. that must mean he has a new shiny play thing at the moment.

      1. narc affair says:

        Hi gabbs…as hurtful as that is what he said its honest and imo better than throwing golden crumbs then putting you on pause again.

        1. gabbanzobean says:

          Yeah I hear you, Narc Affair. This is the sort of behavior that makes me continue to wonder if he really is a narc. I would get a tiny little golden crumb of polite charm but nothing like the beginning. He’s just so goddamn polite!!!! Mr Piano church man. I wish I was a fly on the wall to see who’s getting what I used to get. Oh and how awful he likely treats his wife too. As a LD DLS I feel more stuck in the illusion than anyone else most likely.

      2. jenna says:

        Gbean, did mr. Piano recital during church contact you? I know you were waiting for his hoover.

        1. gabbanzobean says:

          Yup he did and I accepted his Hoover. We’ve been intermittently chatting on the phone. (He’s long distance). I have been analyzing the hell out of everything he says and does now and the way he acts. I know I shouldn’t have poked the bear back so to say, but I just couldn’t help myself. I almost feel like in some weird twisted way that this will eventually help me. Although I have no idea if it actually will. I don’t know why I feel the need to study and interpret his behavior now. I guess I’m still searching for that proof to convince my mind that he isn’t real. Mr. Facade. Mr. piano recital during church.

          1. windstorm2 says:

            I always had to do that too. I have a deep need to thoroughly understand everything around me. Or at least “think” I thoroughly understand it. Lol! 😉

      3. Scout says:

        Hello GB, my exN said the very same, “It’ll never be the same between us,” after the first major discard. We did resume the ‘ relationship’ but it wasn’t the same. How could it? The only guarantee is a ‘relationship’ that spirals into ever decreasing circles until there is nothing left to give.

        1. Diva says:

          Very true…….

      4. Sues423 says:

        Hi gabbanzobean,
        It sounds like, to me, that he has you shelved for now and he said that to you to see how you would react, (where he stands in your mind and how he’s going to play his hand) otherwise, why is he talking to you again?
        Or maybe I’m total wrong lol. Haha

        1. gabbanzobean says:

          Shit that didn’t even register on my radar. Each of those things was said on a different day and in a different conversation. Along with “I am weak”. It’s always narc Opposite Day. I’ll never know what he means. Hell I don’t even think he knows what it means. Honestly the pause thing I interpreted it to mean that to him no time has passed. But I’m sure it could have many other meanings too.

      5. Sues423 says:

        Another thing I just noticed , he said

        ” It feels like we just pressed the pause button between us ” and also says “it will never be the way it was with us”

        Don’t they contradict each other?

        This is completely just my opinion based of what you are saying here,

        I would be very careful with this guy. I think he’s trying to manipulate you.

        ❤️ Eyes wide open !! Stay strong!!

    2. gabbanzobean says:

      My feelings for him are still kind of fucking with my head but at the same time I’m applying everything I’ve read here and finding him so interesting to analyze. Except for a tiny burst of emotion here or there I’ve kept our communications very neutral and I can definitely sense his restlessness. I’ve complimented him here and there and inquired about his general well being as any friend would and he’s been giving me mini pity plays back (like woe is me, I’m nothing great why do you think/feel that way, etc). He kinda roundaboutly even said “you shouldn’t be concerned with me”…lol. He always and still does play the tortured soul with me. And he’s so damn polite while doing so too. He also asks me lots of questions about me too (I know he doesn’t give a shit) but I’ve been turning the discussion back to him. I almost feel like I’m studying him, over analyzing his tone, vocal inflections, words, reactions,etc. there are times that feelings will wash over me and I keep reminding myself that he’s real. And it’s so weird because he’s a cerebral so he’s always prattling off his knowledge on something and we engage in the best discussions but he will randomly spin it back and say stuff like “is your insomnia any better?” Or “I’m not contributing to your anxiety am I?” And it sounds like he asks it like he’s genuinely concerned for me well being (as he always used to ask that stuff) but I know it’s all for “fuel”. And if I stay neutral I can sense the lull in conversation and his boredom.

      Anyway sorry to trail off but that’s just where I’m at and the thoughts in my head. I feel like I’ve made him my little science experiment. I still wish like hell he was real though.

      1. windstorm2 says:

        Yeah, you’re last couple of lines really echo my experiences. I always turned them into little science experiments, too. And I’m sure a part of me will always wish they could have been real.

        If he follows the same path of my Moron in Munich, he will soon stop calling and rarely contact you. He will move on to a new fuel source, but still infrequently contact you.

        – And for any who may misunderstand me, I never want to go back and try to resurrect the original relationship with them again. I just wish they had been the person I thought they were initially before I realized what they really were.

      2. jenna says:

        Gbean, i’m glad u got ur hoover because i know u were patiently waiting for that. But now that u know what he is, it’s great you’re treading carefully.
        I also asked my ex post hoover a thousand questions abt npd, had him take the narc personality inventory. We discussed the results (his score was v high). I had him take a test of recognizing pple’s facial expressions, which he did poorly on. I explained why he feels like his ‘heart is always burning’ (his words), why his ‘mind won’t wake up’ (his words again). I wanted him to learn abt himself, know that there is a title for his condition so he wudn’t feel so alone and depressed abt why he is this way. He was suicidal at the time.

      3. ANK says:


        It’s all mind games so that you get confused and end up questioning yourself. It gives him the upper hand and allows him to manipulate to his advantage.

  11. Kim michaud says:

    This describes so perfectly my first discard which lasted three and a half almost four months although there was a malign hoover at seven weeks he returned acting like nothing happened I honestly thought I would not hear from him again this new return only lasted two months and I have been discarded again for five weeks now the relationship prior to the first discard was twelve months the only thing is in both discards I don’t think he had a new primary source the reason I say this is looking back both times I recall comparing him to other men and criticizing him severely immediately before the discard each time I mentioned the possibility of me wanting to see other men almost forcing him to discard me the first time I said I met someone else which I had and the second time I said I wasn’t happy with him so is it possible I didn’t give him a chance to find someone I know he looks constantly online but it doesn’t seem like anyone else takes his bait not sure if I’m deluding myself

    1. Kim michaud says:

      I meant to say the first discard lasted almost four months and he returned for two months now I’ve been discarded for five weeks

    2. RS says:

      “I know he looks constantly online but it doesn’t seem like anyone else takes his bait not sure if I’m deluding myself”

      I remember one time mentioning to him that I did not like something about me, the way I looked. He said, in a fierce voice, “I don’t care if people don’t like the way I look” he’s 56 now and he was never that cute in the beginning and I think he is finding it harder to charm people. Maybe I’m only hoping? It would certainly serve him right.

      1. Kim michaud says:

        My narc is a good looking man in my opinion and extremely charming but he does have a serious problem getting woman I’m not sure why to be honest lol

        1. robins359 says:

          He wasn’t cute. I was just in love with his British accent and his big dick! 😛

      2. Sillyolperson says:

        Dear RS,
        Same same!
        Where’s he gone?
        Mine has gone …..he’s gone and got fatter (was always fat) has aged heaps and he’s dressing like a slob again. Gee whiz, golly gosh, boo hoo!
        I’m loving it ….. like a “pig in mud”
        Kind regards

      3. Diva says:

        Hi RS…..I don’t understand this British accent fascination but I note that several others have mentioned HGs accent too….. my passion has to be anything Italian………I find the language mesmerising even if I have no idea what is being said. Can you speak Italian HG? Diva

        1. HG Tudor says:

          That’s because you are from the UK.


        2. robins359 says:

          It’s not just British accents. I love most of them except for Southern accents. (USA) Yuck, and Asian, it sounds so harsh. I like listening to Julio Iglesias sing in Spanish, even though I don’t understand what he’s saying. I think I read that he can speak four or five languages. I wish I could speak at least one other language.

          1. Diva says:

            Hi RS…… I prefer his son!………it’s never too late to learn! Diva

          2. windstorm2 says:

            I will try to not be offended! 😄

            I don’t find any accents particularly attractive, although there are several that can grate on my nerves! What I find attractive is when you can hear the intelligence behind someone’s words. Sometimes that can shine out of the most low-class, vernacular, street talk.

            You can’t trust accents. My exhusband is a very intelligent, well-educated attorney. I’ve heard recordings of him in court and he sounds like an ignorant hick! But he does that deliberately. It’s part of one of his facades to encourage people to underestimate him. An essential part of his character is to toy and play with people like a cat does with a mouse. That’s always my first thought when I hear someone with a strong accent – are they using this for some ulterior purpose?

          3. Diva says:

            Well I can certainly hear intelligence and wisdom in your posts…..my accent is mocked all of the time……as I am deemed to be from “Up North.” Diva

          4. robins359 says:

            I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to offend anyone. My daughter is very much into country music and loves southern accents. 🙂

          5. Diva says:

            Hi RS you definitely didn’t offend me……your posts always make me laugh……Diva

          6. robins359 says:

            LOL. Well, I usually either make people laugh or they are offended by me. 😉

          7. robins359 says:

            “when I hear someone with a strong accent – are they using this for some ulterior purpose?’

            I think he used his accent to get women. One day he asked me “when someone says ‘oh, I just love your accent’, are they saying it’s just cute or are they saying ‘it makes me so wet I’m sliding off my chair’?” I know he was trying to make me jealous in thinking someone was saying this to him. I doubt they were.

            I apologize about the accent remark. <3

      4. Scout says:

        Hi RS. I think that might well be wishful thinking, I’m afraid. My exN wasn’t good looking either. He was considerably older than me, he’s in his 60s, and replaced me with a much younger woman, all the while he was triangulating me and the younger source with another, older IPSS. They are feral dogs; ANYTHING goes. They are NOT choosy. I’m convinced the exN went with prostitutes when fuel sources were low.

        1. robins359 says:

          They are feral dogs; ANYTHING goes. They are NOT choosy.

          He used to always make unappropriate remarks about and to my daughter. He would wait until he knew she was with me – her and I look at each other’s phone and share things- and he would send a picture of his dick. I blew up at him and said “what in the hell is the matter with you?! She is a young woman, why in the world would you think she would want to see a picture of an old man’s dick?!” He didn’t speak to me for a few days and as I kept pressing him, asking why HE was the one that was mad when it should be me, he said “that is what YOU say I am”. After that I didn’t hear from him for several months. God only knows why I ever spoke to him again.

        2. robins359 says:

          Oops. . . the point I was trying to make with that long story was that he told me I narrow my choices down by only looking at men my own age. You are right, anything goes with them. I am certain he had sex with men also. He showed me a “trick” that he could do once. . . how much of a banana he could put down his throat. Why would a straight man be proud of that? Geez!

          1. windstorm2 says:

            Thanks for the laugh!! I about spit out my breakfast. I think you should make subtle “old man” jokes whenever you do happen to talk to him. Not mean, just like it’s obvious humor! Reality’s a bitch he’s just going to have to get used to living with. He can’t discard her! Lol!!

          2. robins359 says:

            You’re welcome! I keep hoping I will run into him again if only to say “you’re looking more like a Shar-Pei puppy every day!” I don’t know if you have seen pictures of them but they are all wrinkles! He had a lot of deep lines and wrinkles in his face and he was 5 years younger than me. Everyone thought he was 10 years older.

          3. windstorm2 says:

            Ha, ha! That’s good!

          4. RS says:

            Thanks 😄

      5. Sues423 says:

        I agree Robins359, I’m not a fan of southern accents either. Unfortunately I have to listen to them all day long.😜
        And it’s actually not as much the accent as it is the fact that they don’t use English properly. It drives me crazy! Lol

        British accents are very cool. To me, they sound very refined and classy and gives the appearance of intelligence. It’s amazing how many different dialects there are in the England.

        Same in Spain. My step mother is from Spain and to me they all sound alike but she told me that there are very distinct dialects there as well.

        I like South African accents too . Very unique.

        I used to bartend years ago and there were these two brothers that used to come in and they were from Glasgow Scotland and I could barely understand one word they said except “Ice House and Cheese sticks”. Haha!

      6. Sues423 says:

        To clarify , I shouldn’t have generalized that Southerns don’t use the English language correctly. Not all..but in the area I live in it is extremely common though. It’s probably more like their slang way of speaking like using “ain’t” instead of “isn’t”
        Didn’t mean to offend.

        1. windstorm2 says:

          Have you ever read one of the How To speak Southern books? They’re hilarious! An example I remember was “rat cheer” meaning “in this very spot” as in – “jest set that down rat cheer.”

        2. robins359 says:

          And it’s actually not as much the accent as it is the fact that they don’t use English properly. It drives me crazy! Lol

          That drives me insane in any accent! I think I use too many comma’s when I’m typing on here. Shhh, don’t let me know if I am.

      7. ANK says:

        Narchole just turned 58, he’s got a bit a of double chin, not much hair but his body is still good, probably because he’s quite active.

        He has charm, is polite and well mannered. Seems to be working for him as he managed to ensnare a married woman. She’s 46, a couple of years younger than me.

        Guess if they have charm an manners and act like a concerned caring man, many women fall for that.

        I did 😢

  12. MyTrueSelf says:

    Pause, then play that is a very good analogy. It’s exactly how it feels. It’s happen over and over in the past. No mention of the horrors, no responsibility, no accountability.
    Being with one of your kind feels like being a Tribute in ‘The Hunger Games’!
    Knowing this is coming and this time has to be different, do I..

    A) Ignore you, walk away?
    B) Exchange pleasantries say ‘thanks but no thanks’, walk away?
    C) Exchange pleasantries, walk away, send you the ‘stay away’ letter?
    D) Expose you?

    1. Do you feel like you have a choice in how you behave when he hoovers? I always want to do A or B, but it usually goes a different way.

      Generally I start crying because I’m an emotional mess when I see him (I’m pretty much okay when he leaves me alone, which is immense progress), and on a positive note, I don’t go back to him anymore.

  13. Lisa says:

    HG, is it possible that the narcissists that you have described who go to mummy or sister and you escaped even though the narc probably wanted a disengagement on his terms of course . That they do not seek out a replacement because they fully intend to suck the victim back in, in a matter of weeks. They purely do not want the restraints of the relationship and the victim telling them they better start offering more . So they disengage as a bluff thinking the victim will back down in their demands ?

  14. RS says:

    He will never be able to hit “start” with me again …ever!!! I have a visceral resolve about this!

  15. ANK says:

    Does a Narc tend to dissappear after wounding?

    1. HG Tudor says:

      May withdraw or lash out through ignited fury. Depends on the type of Narcissist and the presenting situation

      1. ANK says:

        Thank you for the reply HG.

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