Poll – After disengagement, what were you left thinking?
When the narcissist (or narcissists if it happened with more than one person) disengaged from you, what were you left thinking? Were you caught up in bewildering questions of hurt and betrayal, utterly at a loss as to what has happened? Were you desperate for recognition of the misery that you were experiencing? Perhaps you wanted to lash out and attack the narcissist in some way or were you worrying that the person who had taken your place was going to succeed where you had so evidently failed?
What were the dominant thoughts which governed (or perhaps still govern) your thinking following your disengagement? You can choose as many as are applicable and do so before pressing vote. Do add you further observations and thoughts in the comment section.
Thank you for participating.
Loading ...102 thoughts on “Poll – After disengagement, what were you left thinking?”
Vent Your Spleen! (Please see the Rules in Formal Info)
This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.
Straight after the discard conversation I wondered ‘what the hell just happened???.’ Not only about the discard conversation, but the prior weeks of what I later learnt was devaluation/gaslighting, the relationship in general & that this certainly was not the guy I knew 30 years before. I was questioning everything. It triggered my need to find answers but I knew not from him. I knew something wasn’t right with him & I needed to know what. That it was way beyond & deeper than his colourful history that I already knew. Little did I know I was about to discover a whole world I didn’t know existed yet had ruled me all my life.
I was left blaming myself for the years I wasted blindfolded living a lie and wondering how I could have been so stupid not to realise before… actually my stupidity was I did know all along something wasn’t right but I thought it was worth the effort cause I made myself believe he was such a good person who only needed to be loved and understood and I couldn’t possibly find someone who would love me so unconditionally. What a joke.
I just completed the poll. Not quite sure my Narc has disengaged, certainly feels that way. After 3 years he has now made several aggressive/angry declarations:
“We are not in a relationship!” (10 times 1 visit
(I then moved on the other end of the sofa then he said: “Come over here” then put his arms around me and said;
“It is not important that we spend time together!”
“We will not see each other every week now” (we used to see each other every week)
“Don’t text me! I will dictate to you!”
“I know you will text! Even though I said not to”
“I know you still love me. Don’t lie.”
I typically leave a water cup at his house (for years now) he had placed my cup on the floor this time by the front door to take with me as I left. I took it without saying anything. When I left he only said “I will leave the porch light on till you get in the car” He usually always says “See you later”
Now he texts me only to get together every 2 weeks. I think he is disengaging? Thus every 2 weeks thing is s big change along with the cup and no response to me leaving for the night. Would this be disengagement?
If so, I am feeling: a sense of relief and fear at the same time. No intention to hurt him back. He suffered considerable pain in his childhood. Am I in the Disengaged stage?
Thanks for your time and expertise,
With my narcissist husband, I remember being hurt and confused by his sexual attitude toward me which had changed from the beginning! Also, I couldn’t understand why he didn’t seem to love the child he wanted me to have for him. Sometimes his ex would be on the phone and I didn’t know if he called her or vice versa. He fake talked in his sleep twice about someone in a sexual way. I knew he was faking because he had not done it before. I could just tell. I left him when our baby was 8 months old. He cried his way back for another year. Nothing changed so I told him to get out. He left one day abruptly and I didn’t hear from him for over a year but by then I had divorced him. He never saw his son or wanted to. He began calling me to ask why we broke up. Every time the same questions! Later on, he would call me for advice on something. If I got tired of talking, I would hang up. During the recent Florida hurricane, he would call and say how worried he was about me. He talks nicely to me and I still like his speaking voice but that is all I like about him, period.
He is a mid-ranger.
Our relationship was a secret. He told me never to tell anyone, otherwise he would never talk to me again.
The first 8 mos were golden. The last 2 yrs were difficult – future faking, 3 day silences, shifting topics when i asked him abt why he future faked.
I finally told him such behavior hurts me, so he stopped immediately. We continued to see each other off and on. He was usually kind, affectionate, sweet, gentle when we met (except for one time).
He found a career-related job in another state, so he had to move. I missed him alot. I wanted to marry him. He said no. I would cry often. I ended up telling someone who asked me why my mood is depressed. That person told a few more pple.
Then, I escaped. I knew he would not talk to me because i told someone abt us, and i did not want to be discarded.
What happened next surprised me, as i hadn’t researched abt hoovers yet.
He texted and called like crazy, like a madman, in a frenzy. He left hundreds of texts asking me to pls reply, often within minutes, or every 5 min, or every half hr, or every hr – all night for several nights. He called 50x in 3 days asking me to reply, often strings of calls within seconds of the other. He wanted to talk, text, see me. He wanted to work things out. I was NC at the time and i did not reply because by now i had researched abt hoovers. His hoovers continued at a decreased frequency for the following 2 wks.
He hoovered again 2 months later. This time, I replied. By then i had read hg’s works and knew more abt narcissism.
I felt sad for him. I felt sad that he suffers frm npd. I felt sad that he cannot feel love, that he cannot feel happiness.
I decided to help him understand npd so he can understand himself better. I also asked him many, many questions abt the past. I wanted to know what went wrong. He answered all my questions, though some of them may have been lies. Some of the answers were the brutal truth though eg. “I do not love anybody” (though he used to tell me in the past that he loves me).
We r still friends via text. He is polite, courteous, kind 95% of the time. The 5% of the time he is not, we talk abt it and sort it out. He has more self-awareness now.
He doesn’t want to hurt me (maybe part of the facade), but he makes a definite attempt not to. If he happens to hurt thru words, i tell him right away and he apologizes, and doesn’t repeat those words.
He has never taken money frm me, he has never called me names, he raised his voice at me approx 3x in 3.5 yrs (i argued alot for that). I never faced a true devaluation. We don’t have children nor shared assets.
I just wanted to know why, and i got my answers – thru hg and thru him.
I understood only greaters to know what they are. L and MR fail the insight let alone ability, aptitude or need to.
Tappan zee, u r correct.
He did not know what he is. He just knew that ‘something is not right’ abt him, which he told me a few times after we became v close.
He also made a broad statement on a few occasions saying ‘i don’t have emotions.’ (However, i’ve seen his emotion of envy towards others in his career, and his irritation at certain events). Because he lacks awareness, he broadly stated ‘i don’t have emotions’ rather than ‘i have a limited range of emotions.’
He also said ‘this world is not for me. I don’t know how to react to pple.’ He is very introverted so he may have said it in that respect. Later i realized it may be because he sometimes has trouble mirroring.
Once i asked him if he misses his sister who had moved overseas. He replied ‘i don’t miss pple.’
After reading abt npd, i explained that these are traits found in narcissists, and that he need not feel alone in this world.
He is slowly understanding himself in relation to npd.
Nowadays, he hates talking abt npd but i still bring up the topic so he can become more self-aware.
My question would be, why should he not respond? HG has never been sarcastic or disrespectful to any of his bloggers! We all know what he is and what he does. At times what he says hurts but it is not done in a way that he is hurting us! He has every right to respond to someone that is being disrespectful to him just as any of us has that same right whether we are empaths or narcs. If you think I’m sucking up or one of his groupies that is on you, I don’t really care! To be sarcastic to him because you have been hurt by someone else is not right. Although he has admitted to hurting people or better yet destroying another person, which I definatley don’t agree with! I have The utmost respect for him and what he has done for so many!! Bringing his mother up was a very low blow which he did not deserve!
It would be interesting to talk to him now. He’d be extremely charming, dismissive of his past behaviour and do an excellent job of maintaining the facad. And I’d smile.
I’d know that the only thing he could do to gain back my respect would be to demonstrate that he is attending, of his own accord, a 45 week Abuser Intervention Program, be in long-term, ongoing therapy and have a crisis plan in place should there be any slip in his behaviour.
I know he will never do this.
So I’m out of the woods!
I suppose for a narcissist the world revolves around him and in his mind, our world must therefore end when he discards us. And it does feel that way for a bit, while our heart heals. But at the end of the day, my experience with him will be learned from and relegated to the pile along with the rest of life’s misgivings…..
I wondered the most obvious question of all:
did he mean any of what he ever said and was what we had ever real? Had I meant anything to him at all??
That was for the last three narcs I now realise I was involved with.
Of course there were no answers..(obviously)
It’s HG who has given me everything I need.
HG makes it possible for me to sleep at night.
Because HG tells the Cruel truth here he gives me peace of mind. I am able to move forward with all he teaches me.. and when I falter within myself..HG is there. Stronger and stronger am I as time goes by.
HG…Thank you xxx.
🛡
None of the above.
I roll my eyes and think ‘not this old chestnut again’ and do nothing. I know he pulls away because he likes attention, just like a toddler who runs and hides from his mum does.
If he acts like a grown up and speaks to me, I speak to him, if he acts like a child and pulls the old vanishing act, then he’s on his own. I refuse to respond or react to that kind of behaviour.
>>My point is that you felt the need to respond ?<< (Not So Sad)
Not So Sad, I am keen to know your point?
Thanks in advance!
I wanted him back .
I didn’t know he is a narcissist.
Prior disengagement I was googling things like silent treatment, controlling & manipulative bf, fear of rejection ,blaming, putting down etc as I have noticed many similarities in his and my ex husband’s behaviour and I knew I should run away…
I wish I had the balls to end things when my guts were telling me to do so…
Post disengagement I was googling for advice how to get him back .I know.. I think I’ve got issues too..
The discard was sudden and unexpected . I was left thinking that I am a failure, I am worthless, wasn’t good enough, didn’t try hard enough. I blamed myself for how the things ended. I was left obsessing over things he said to me ,thinking what I did wrong to deserve to be punished in such a cruel way .
I respected his decision but because of the horrible things he said to me in his dis-engagement monologue and I think also because I have never been dumped or rejected before, i felt the need to fix things up and prove him wrong so i wanted him back.
Exactly to the T how i felt or am feeling but ive been through the hoovering/extreme devaluation probably 40+ times. He is ghosting me right now and has a new primary source but i keep myself in his line of sight….why? Why do i do this to myself?
‘ Why do i do this to myself ?’
I don’t know how many times i asked myself this question Amanda…
That’s our emotional thinking v logic.
It’s irrational for someone who has not experienced it.
Hm, HG, first , thank you for your factual answer. Yes, I agree, that we have different opinions about recovery. We will not be the same after that encounter. Never again. We do not run around anymore and think everything is beautiful and everyone is a good guy. But we can heal and have a more realistic view at the world around us. The sky is not only blue. We can heal so far that we will choose another kind of relationship when we learn to accept what is was and who we are. It was a violent relationship with a violent type of man/woman. We do not deserve such a treatment. It is their problem not ours. Before I had this deep narcissistic relationship, I could not realise the little narcissist near me (my mother) . I thought her behaviour was normal and I was the one who overreacted. Now I see, what she is or what her problem is and this is very helpful. The first lies about me came from her and I believed all that stuff, because I was a child and she was my mother. I know now that all of toxic thoughts she planted in me – were lies. I am relatively free of these thoughts now : ” I am not good enough”. ” I don´t do things right” and so on. These thoughts are gone.
I wish I had learnt this self-esteem with someone who had supported me to become what I am. And I regret all the wasted years without enough self-esteem and the few years with someone who did not deserve me. Yes, I do. I cannot change it. BUT there are still a lot of years to live and to enjoy. And I will do it. And others will do it too. And a few do need no help because they already do it.
Mona,That’s amazing that you are able to let go,be at that point and honestly feel that the Narc has had very little impact on your life.I admit I am a bit envious of your ability to do this:) For myself I do tend to agree with HG that after the narc experience that I will never truly be the same. Yes I have healed, grown, learned, even gotten stronger. My life is good and I am happy and appreciative.But a huge part of who I was ( innocence? Trust? Openness?) has been shattered. And tho I have pieced it back together, tho I feel joy and freedom, as much as I hate to admit it, there is a tiny hole in my heart that I fear will never completely heal over.It will always be a bit of a weak spot. I can never be the same person I once was . But perhaps, that is a good thing…..
Star, please do not be envious. I still have a lot of problems which I cannot solve (no psychological or financial problems). You would not want to live in my shoes. My life is not easy.
It is “only” my deep childhood wound that is healed. I do not think anymore deep down in my mind that I deserved all that behaviour or that I have to fight for love. It is there or it is not. I am sad that I needed so many years for this change of attitude.
He is now like a stranger to me, who “raped” me. That is bitter enough, but there is no inner connection to him anymore. I do not know how to explain it. He is only a “criminal” in my mind.
I feel shame that I loved that illusion of a man. This morning I threw away the last picture of him. If there was a law for emotional violence, I would bring him into prison, because I believe that is the best place for such a person (or another institution).
Now I have to look for someone to share my life with, a man with character. Narcs are not invited. Maybe I am a great challenge for them, but weaponised with knowledge about all the red flags, I believe that I will expose them earlier.
I am ready for a new start.
Mona
Love your confidence and optimism! Good luck in your quest for a good man!
Mona I think I understand what you are trying to convey. I understand about the no emotional connection. I also understand the shame. And now that I think about what you wrote, I realize it’s the shame I feel that gets to me the most. I actually want to thank u for your comment, I had a huge aha moment lol.maybe that’s a huge part of the addiction… the shame. Feeling like a failure, feeling as tho you brought it on yourself. Shame for putting up with horrible treatment and allowing yourself to be abused. Shame for others seeing you fall apart. Hmm. Thank u Mona. I wish u the best new start on life you will soon have:)
I voted for understanding how much he hurt me. Translation… I was looking for one more excuse to forgive him and hope that he could change. Well, a Greater knows, he just doesn’t care. I got my answers. My second vote was that he just leave me alone.
Midrange husband #3…. I was dumbfounded a week after we were married (I was gaslighted into marriage believe it or not) he said “this marriage is a joke”…. a big red flag. I stayed 9 years trying to make it work and taking blame….
HG ” Yes because the sarcasm was unnecessary”
Was it ? Mona said it like it was HG & you felt criticised by her comment .
I am unsure why you are labouring this point. Do you think the sarcasm was necessary?
Not at all HG .
My point is that you felt the need to respond ?
Indeed I did, NSS.
Why is sarcasm such a problem for narcs, HG? My first love and others always complained about it, too … *innocent look*
Because it evidences you challenging us (thus likely to be Challenge Fuel in the offing) and it is regarded as disrespectful.
Oh, my.
I was in my third relationship with a narcissist when I came across your blog. Thanks to your information I understood that it is not my fault that he changed all of sudden. What helped me the most to move on was that after reading your articles I lost hope that things will be ok again. Losing all hope set me free. Since I had previous two relationships with identical scenarios, I always assumed it was my fault.
Then I understood that my father was a narcissist. I was always angry with my mother for being weak but now I am connected to her again. Thank you
I got my closure and understanding from you and I’m at peace
You have seized the power June.
‘What did I do wrong” came last month when my mother ghosted on me. I thought at the time it was a complete discard, and my immediate reaction was “Oh no. What have I done? She must be angry with me.”
I’m embarrassed to say I spent far too long worrying. I think it bordered on obsession until one day I realized: I had done nothing wrong. Not one thing. Then I got angry.
I was as angry at myself – for being fooled for so long, for not walking away, for blaming myself. I was angry at her – for the lies, abuse, manipulation, and neglect.
I spent the past month dealing with it all. I was overcome with alternating grief and anger. It felt at times I was mourning a death, but in this case it was more of a stillbirth; I was grieving for something I never had. I got frighteningly angry at times. I caught myself more than once on the verge of smashing dishes and destroying things out of sheer rage. A lifetime of bottling it all up will do that to a person, I suppose.
Now I’m done. I have nothing left for her. No anger, no hate, no compassion, and no sense of obligation. None of what I went through was my fault – unless you count sticking around and taking her shit for far too long. She will die eventually, unloved and unmourned, and while I take no satisfaction in that, as it is a result of her own choices, I feel no remorse or responsibility either.
Thank you HG. Thank you for shining a light for those of us lost in our own personal darkness, and showing us there is a way out. I understand that this is not altruism, as you are ‘weaponizing’ empaths for your own reasons; but, regardless of your motives, I will always be grateful for your sharing your knowledge with us.
You are most welcome Ellen.
I have never been discarded by one of my narcs. I have cut off relationships with some, but usually now have some lesser relationship with them that is of my choosing. Some family/friendships with narcs have stayed as they always were.
A few other things I’m thinking:
Why did it take this horrible experience to discover what Narcissistic Personality Disorder even is? What codependency is?
Does he know he has a disorder? A serious textbook case of a problem?
Will he ever seek help?
Why did I not succeed in my previous attempts at escape? (The three stages of escaping) And why did I wait and allow myself to finally be a discarded and a demoted source of fuel? It takes so much strength not to be hoovered.
Will he ever really know what truly happened?
Meredith — the answers to your questions, from one victim’s perspective:
“Why did it take this horrible experience to discover what Narcissistic Personality Disorder even is? What codependency is?”
Because the mental health profession is sadly under-educated about NPD and narcissistic victim syndrome. And general lack of awareness of these problems reflects that.
“Does he know he has a disorder? A serious textbook case of a problem? Will he ever seek help?”
No, no and no.
“Why did I not succeed in my previous attempts at escape? … why did I wait and allow myself to finally be a discarded and a demoted source of fuel?”
Because involvement with a narcissist is an addiction, every bit as toxic and dangerous as drug addiction.
“Will he ever really know what truly happened?”
No, and he doesn’t care. He knows what HIS perspective was, and that’s all that matters to him. But you know what truly happened. And that’s the first step toward recovery.
Hi HG, my vote is representative of the first discard not the final escape. I didn’t vote ‘wanted him back’, I did but at the time felt it was pointless and I tried to let go. I did, in the end, go back. Silly me. *sigh*.
After disengaging on my part, it took me sometime to accept his true desire was to stay as he was.
I gave him what he needed so I could move on, until that day…then I attacked him. I was angry, I was in pain and I wanted him to feel what I was feeling. I made sure he did….then I discovered just how intertwined him and I were. Disentangling from that was like having a very fine chain necklace that has gotten knotted up and unknotting it. Time and patience and HG.
I hold no anger towards him, he walks his path I walk mine, our paths just crossed for a brief moment in time. I did go through all the emotions, yet I knew what he was, he was the beginning of my understanding which led me to HG who is/has increased not only my awareness of his kind but of myself.
Excellent poll, HG.
My top vote , was needing to know why.
But, now I know why and why he couldn’t explain it to me, the way I needed. Thanks to your work.
Because of all of Your excellent information HG I was able to detach from him before he discarded. This has made him chase me for the last year or so… yes, he has other women, yes he devalued and did everything “by the book”… he puts the “dick” in predictable, haha, and yes, I felt intense pain and heartache through it all. But I didn’t let him see it. I love watching from a distance, all the crazy shit he does… exactly as you predict. I NEVER break no contact, he always has to first (yes, I leave a crack open on purpose) and when we see each other after 2 months or 6 months… I pour out tons of fuel, giving him everything he wants (even the fights and negative fuel he craves) telling him “I know we have let each other go as a sacrifice for the better of the other” I paint it as an epic love story that just cannot be. Anyway, this is working for me. Thanks to You HG. You’re a f***ing ROCKSTAR!! ✨💜✨
Indeed I am, I am pleased that my work has assisted you Jules.
Omg Brilliant! I am going to adopt this tactic. I’ve been reading all of HGs blogs trying to figure out what approach I am going to take to avenge myself, to try and mend my broken heart and mind and soul. Your strategy seems to fit my desire to be hoovered pitted with my desire to demolish.
None of these answers.
Now I know – I dearly learned – first of all that he is a nasty person who walks around a disturbed mind (a lesser one). So, I had two problems instead of one.
Now I know what he was doing to me and I’ve been lucky to be smart enough to immediatly suspect that there was something wrong, to understand what (late), to accept it (so much late!), to tear myself away (finally) and pull myself out out of his quicksand. I’m lucky I’m out.
Now I know that he’s playing the same boring script, it’s the turn of the new victim. I know her. I don’t feel sorry for her. I’m not jealous, just f*ck off. She is going to be destroyed and does not even imagine what she is expecting. Enjoy. I bought a big bucket of pop corn.
After the assurance about his narcissism, I spent last hoover testing and observing his reactions. Action, reaction. Action, reaction. It was like moving a puppet. This is the weak side of narcissism. I needed to do so in order to feel in control. Feel in control is essential to get away.
At the right time, I end up with him just both engaging an unacceptable criticism and showing an ongoing lack of interest on him and freedom from his evil power:
– “Do you still feel so sad when you listen that singer?”
– “Oh no, not at all, actually when I hear him I think that he was really a great poet”.
Action, reaction.
I spent couple of years feeling sad while listening that singer, he knews and used it to keep control on me. Your post about music has been like an ice bucket for me.
Now I feel like a scientist in a lab, observing a rat in a labyrinth, a guy who believes to live his fake “Groundhog Day” life, playing his perfect character (really perfect one…), making out so hard to seem who he is not and never will.
hmm.. do you mean right after it was over? after I left him for good (which isn’t the same moment as the other question)? the times he put me on the shelf while still keeping me as IPPS under his thumb?
Well, let’s see… Since he turned 180 after signing the marriage, I was lost & confused as to why he no longer cared and wanted to fix it.
after I stopped caring and began to look for a way out of the relationship and abuse and broke free, it’s a toss up between hurt, wanting him to just leave me alone.
by the time I walked out and broke free and began no contact (all in one moment), I was looking for closure even though I knew he’d never give me any but I was going to make darn certain he wasn’t going to be able to keep stalking, harassing, or contacting me. I knew I’d find closure only in understanding what had happened and why. I already had figured out what he is but didn’t know much about it. And I found my closure/acceptance/peace by having it confirmed (even though I knew, I needed it confirmed somehow) that he was not going to change, that there are people out there who don’t “have a soul” and enjoy hurting others for their own purpose.
And I’m not sure exactly when I started wishing he would just leave me alone, but it was sometime after the abuse increased and I knew what he was. I just know that was my strongest desire for a very long time before I managed to walk out. And I think it played a key role in my looking for a way out.
Initially I felt like I’d been hit by a fast moving train .
Now I’d happily push it in front of one 🙂
HG in reply to Monas comment where you said “Your sarcasm is unnecessary. She will be dealt with..
Mona was just telling you like it is & you tried to dismiss her in true narc style
No she wasn’t. He remark about “Or do you let go your mother and thank her for your wonderful childhood?” was sarcasm.
” No she wasn’t. He remark about “Or do you let go your mother and thank her for your wonderful childhood?” was sarcasm.
The point I’m trying to make is you still felt compelled to react to her comment ?
Yes because the sarcasm was unnecessary.
Not So Sad, he is right. It was true sarcasm and it was meant as sarcasm. I stand for it. He asks us to let go and is not able to do himself. He yearns for revenge. He would never let go, but -we – as empath – should forget – what they (the narcs ) have done to us. I agree – in many cases – it is too dangerous to get justice or revenge – but in many other cases – you can let them suffer and we have a chance against them. The more you know about them the easier it is. You must know how they function – you have to know your enemy.
HG weaponises empath on one hand through knowledge- on the other hand he weakens them through telling them they will always suffer. It is not true. It is a long, hard journey, but there is a way to happiness and full recovery.
I do not know, whether it is his intention or his full conviction or if he does not realise it.
It is not very polite to talk about you, HG, instead of talking with you. You are always invited to answer and tell your opinion.
I appreciate you admitting you were being sarcastic.
With regard to the recovery point, on this we will disagree. Whilst it is certainly the case you can make a significant recovery and put right many of the injuries you have suffered, I remain of the view that there will always be an impact, it may only be small in nature, but it is always there, after you have been with our kind. It may not have a significant effect on you in the future, but it is always there and represents a risk to you.
I do not state this just to accord with the idea of always being able to impact on a victim as part of the idea of a ‘mighty narcissist’ but rather what I have witnessed repeatedly.
It is akin to the times I have seen the defiance of a victim, their protestation that they are no longer affected by what has happened, but the look in their eyes betrays the,.
I do know we will not agree on this point however.
All of my relationships in my life have revolved around narcissists. My parents were both narcissists. Each romantic relationship, no matter the level of intimacy or connection (my ex husband included) has left me, even after I was aware that I seemingly only attract narcissists, completely devastated and suicidal. It is a core wound that is attached to subconscious defenses. It takes months to pull myself back out of the darkness.
Another great poll and a painful one. The discard is something i fear most yet hasnt happened to me and hopefully never will. If things come to an end i hope its mutual but in reality id hope we could still be friends. I know many scoff at this notion of being friends with a narc bc a narc can never be our definition of a true friend but itd be a huge loss if i lost my narc fully. Despite his narcissism and bouts of devaluing there has been good times between us and much shared. Id really miss having him in my life.
I didnt vote bc theres been no discard but if i were discarded itd be the most tramautic thing to happen to me and i tear up while i post this bc itd put me in a state of shock and break my heart. Ive disengaged so many times over the years but hes known why and its always been of his doing and thats why hes always been the noninsecure one bc he was the doer. Hes always hoovered and weve talked things over and hes apologized and then a month or few later he will start up again. It really is a cycle narcissism. Back to the discard if it were to happen to me id want to know why after almost 7 yrs you could up and leave someone. When you spend that long with someone day in and day out how could you discard them. I cant ever envision him doing this but it is always in the back of my head. Hes single and could eventually meet someone and want to persue it and thatd leave me out in the cold. Its an upsetting thought but one ive had many times.
I read all the stories on here of discards and my heart breaks for each one and my respect grows for how many strong beautiful people there are out there in pain. Its not right and life shouldnt feel that way. Discards are the worst its finality, betrayal, abandonment and rejection all in one and it hurts so very badly. My question would be why would you do this why not end things mutually? The answer is bc they dont care and only want what they want.
I initially broke up with him because I suspected he might be cheating on me. At the time, I thought it would get his attention and he would fight to want me back. He would not speak to me again!! I couldn’t understand that. He made sure I saw photos of him with someone else in Hawaii immediately following, which was our favorite place. I was devastated. Nothing made any sense to me anymore. Your posts have completely changed that for me and I am truly grateful for that. I still struggle with trusting someone and more importantly trusting my own intuition. I am still recovering!
We had a wonderful weekend together, but he was acting a bit indifferent. During sex, he went through the motions, but was staring darkly at me.
After I left to go home 2 hours away, he barely texted or talked to me. Said he was going out of town.
After 2 weeks, I asked him if we were done because he would do this all the time. About a week later he sent me a super huge email telling me how many wonderful attributes I had and how we clicked in so many ways, but he just never had those warm fuzzy feelings for me. EVER!. He stated that he never said he loved me and yes we should not see each other any more.
Then he wanted a follow up phone call to make sure I thoroughly read the email. WTF!! That’s what blew me away.
I had even proof that he said he loved me and we were soul mates and should be together. That I was the final love of his life. Then he finally told me he met the new love of his life only 4 days after our last weekend. Tried to tell me we broke up the previous month. Then he married her 3 months later and sent me a very long text message rubbing my nose in this.
We were just looking at houses and talking of me moving in the month before the discard.
So end of April, we looked at houses. June 5th, we had a wonderful weekend. June 19th the discard. He said he met her June 10th. Married her September.
Just for a timeline so you can understand I felt so many things. So many messed up emotions. Depression, confused. Wanted to get in touch with wife. Tell her everything. It was all a big lie. The whole year and half.
Lie after lie. Future faking continually.
And….my answers would have been totally different if I were answering them about the tHiNg. He was a totally different kettle of fish…….
His swift and sudden departure left me with the complete obsession of what did I do wrong. I truly believed that if I hadn’t done something wrong then he would not have disengaged. I could fix it, right? Just fucking tell me!!! I asked him over and over again to tell me what I did wrong. Amazingly, he would respond and say “you did nothing wrong, I’m just so overwhelmed with work…you are perfect.” If I was perfect then why did he disengage?
Eventually the replies from him stopped. I think he was only merciful enough to assure me I did nothing wrong because I was a dirty little secret. He didn’t have to use the big guns of character assassination because nobody knew about me except his wife. His faux kindness also enabled him to come back when he chose to. No “real” cruelty to repent for. Just a return when he wasn’t so “overwhelmed”. He kept one toe in the pool while I was drowning in the deep end.
Turns out he simply had someone new. He was finished with me. I didn’t really believe I had done nothing wrong until my consult with HG.
As far as being ensnared by the Con Man goes, yes, I do want to know what went wrong. Why is it over and what did I do to injure him. Its not that I miss him or want him back. Ohh no…its just that I have gone over and over in my head searching for the critisism/s that I may have caused. Even though no doubt it would be something totally stupid from my perspective, I am just simply curious. There wasnt a cross word, or any disagreement or anything that I can think of. If he could/would have had the guts to tell me what it was before he hit me with the ghosting/silent treatment I would have been fine. (Any excuse would have done), But instead, I spent a week mulling it over. Good luck to the next victim. I lasted all of 4 weeks. Clearly the con man was as gutless as they come. Pfft!!
There is a possibility that nothing went “wrong”. You could have just been too much of a good thing. I was once engaged to a narcissist, and I absolutely put him first with everything in my life. That was too boring for him. He needed the stimulation of chaos, cheating, chasing, etc. Him not being content was about his issues, not mine. After I left, he went on to date a cousin of mine who he was eyeing our entire relationship. That lasted about a month. He then married a foreigner who probably had her own agenda. She left him after one month as well. I no longer beat myself up over what went wrong. I beat myself up over being the idiot who stayed the longest.
Hi ANM. Yes, I wondered that too!! I didnt make life difficult for him in any way. Everything was of his choosing. Meals, movies, time spent together etc. Im really easy to get along with. Perhaps like you say, I wasnt the challenge he needed, in order to get his fuel. Funnily enough though he wooed me for 6 weeks!! Compliments were his favourite method of seduction. I even told him they were a red flag to me! He even knew I was studying, and my ex (the tHiNg) was a narc. He ‘couldnt believe’ someone would treat someone like me so badly. Hmph! I got suckered. Big time. As with all of this, retrospect is a great thing. I can now see many red flags, although because I was only ‘with’ him for 4 out of 6 weeks, I am unable to say for sure what school he is from. I do know he’s a liar and a future faker…but I think they all are like that.
Happy learning ANM. I wish you well. 🙂
Revenge and I want everyone to know what he is: a narcissist.
I felt relief.
At each discard from my parents pre-ptsd, I had to say to them “I’m sorry but I don’t care.”
After exes with PTSD, I only ever looked at the ex once at the stage I didn’t know what narcissists were.
I felt devastated like someone died and overly self conscious and afraid in the world.
But then, again, relief. To have a normal day and get my own mind back, make decisions that were good for me, trust people, eat healthily, work out and feel strong, take risks and go easy on myself.
I don’t miss any of them now.
My ex N spilled and leaked the facts that proved he was faking from the start. He gave enough information that I understood that there was no true marriage. The marriage was only for his convenience. He left when I started asking questions about many bad choices. I mourned that fake guy or illusion briefly. His new partner is almost 40 years younger and did not even speak enough English for their relationship to have any depth. He lied to the Catholic Church, her family and guests to get a new Church wedding which was declared “null and void” afterward. He is still with this partner. He has continued to cause problems for me. A huge problem with tax evasion happened, which took years to clear up. A few more enlightening revelations gave me what I needed for complete closure. I was shown his new fake wedding photos and some videos, which I saw his posing etc. Recently(years after divorce), he gave an account of the past that was so mixed up with confabulations, memory problems, lies, and false attributions that it seems that he may now also have dementia. He was asked who initiated the divorce and instead of answering with the facts, he falsely attributed this to me(I agreed after he unraveled). The person asking him the questions had paperwork proof that he was telling huge lies. His demeanor(fake?) was flat, grumpy and/or extreme unhappiness. He may or may not have enough fuel. He seems to be raging that he didn’t get bliss. He must be a Mid-Ranger in a big pity party. I was and am grateful that I am not still giving toward a fake marriage and that I do not have to take care of him with narcissism and dementia. His new partner, it seems, was financially motivated and that is actually her only reward. She gets unearned financial benefits, but she may have years taking care of him in the long run earning her keep. I do not know any woman that would marry a man so much older. She probably has some mental condition. He seems to have found a desperate woman to take care of him. She knows he told multiple major lies, but she stays for now. I am positive life is not grand for her and may be more like she is the hired help with a large pay off. I am lucky that there were only a few months of confusion during the devaluation and I had many clues and facts that help me escape with less damage. The difference between his new primary source and me are many. She seems to have his low level of moral values and in that respect they are a match. I believe she will be a lieutenant for his fake image as long as the money flows. He is her problem now and maybe she is his problem too.
My ex narc declared on my birthday, 20.000 km around the globe on the phone, while he knew I was breastfeeding our 6-month old son that our 5-year relationship was over. Our son was carefully planned and my ex had been overseas with us for a month before returning home, while my son and I has planned to stay on with my family in my home country for another 2 months. All I could think was ‘How could he do that? Why doesnt he love us? Why would he have a planned baby with me and abandon me? ‘. He knew I had a fear of being a single mum, was an immigrant with no family support upon returning, had a fear of abandonment etc. He took every one of my fears and made them come true. This was almost 6 years ago and I only started understanding early this year that he only agreed to have a child with me as revenge. I had found him out, in a rather spectacular way, that he had cheated on me. He then decided that I was the one, that he did really want a child with me ( his 5th) blah blah. It was simply a punishment, as he knew I was onto him and I was not submissive enough for him. He is collecting children as trophies and is onto child 6 with his new supply now, while using our son only as show pony for special occasions, never providing any support. I suspect he’s at least an upper midrange or more. I am an intelligent professional and cant believe that I was taken for such a ride. Malice can be so well packaged and hidden. THANK YOU, HG, as an analytical person, I would have wasted my life wanting him back, not understanding, grieving an illusion. You’ve helped turn my and my son’s life around. I feel free now!
You are welcome.
You need another checkbox; N/A, I escaped, disconnected his phone, changed my number, and fled to another state.
I wonder how many of us can look back and find ourselves creating the same situations that we grew up in unconsciously. It goes way deeper than the narcissist we fell in love with.
My parents chose their new marriages and children with them over me. I was abused, ignored, and abandoned. I did everything I could to be “better” than my siblings. I shoved past criticism and name calling to prove I was worthy.
He’s exactly like my childhood. I had relationships before him with healthy people. I felt like a fish out of water. I’d say our disengagement looks like our childhood. Hell, the whole relationship! I can’t speak for everyone, but I know mine sure does.
HG, do you see the similarities in your disengagements?
Ultimately I just want him to leave me alone…he has taken my money, destroyed my property, tried to get me fired from my job/end my career, I have had to be separated from my children & my dog which he threatened to kill then asked to keep him, he tried to prevent me from securing a new residence, and of course told anyone who would listen that I am crazy and the abuser 🙄
Now my children and I are back under one roof and I often think I want revenge….but what would be the point? He knows how much he has hurt me because it was done with malicious intent. He is really not worth the energy I need to devote to my recovery and rebuilding the damage done in my other close relationships and even though it would be justified I would feel so guilty and it wouldn’t have intended effect on him anyway. I am still dealing with the fact that what I thought was my soul mate and the love of my life was a carefully constructed illusion & all the love and dedication I gave him was for nothing 😢 There is no authenticity so when I get the emails of photographs and links to songs from and him telling me to “come home” I get a lot of mixed feelings, I dread what is to come next as he comes to the realization I am never coming back nor will I even reply; but really I just want him to go away and I wish I could erase his existence from my mind and my heart 😕
Al
Also I need an attorney which I can’t afford so will continue to take losses but at the end of the day if he goes away and leaves me alone it’s worth it
I was left with the question of “why?”. I felt hurt and angry at the same time. I wanted to confront him but I didn’t. I felt rejected and sort of lost without him. I just kept having unanswered questions as if there was a secret I didn’t know.
I went from blaming myself, to wanting him to know he crushed me, worrying he’d love her more and wanting him back the first week. The second week I went back to the ex I left for Narc. I proceeded to buy a new Lexus and moved out of my apartment that I moved into to be with Narc.
I wasn’t returning his calls and finally he sent a text that said, “I dropped a box off in front of your door.” I responded, “I don’t live there anymore.” I was determined to make him think I was ok without him, though I was still heartbroken. I still go through a mix of emotions after over a year since our true breakup. Almost all of these over time.
When i realised he was in 2 long term relationships..i was firstly shocked then came the anger at him and his deceipt and lies about his relationship status/statuses. I couldnt handle it and each time he wanted to talk to me it was now in a devaluation type of way, with degrading and vile words about me spewing out of his lying mouth. I thought i cant go on like this because it hurt so much, and for my own sanity have been about 3 months NC.. at first i really missed the golden period and still do at times, but my overwhelming main thoughts and emotions were anger, to think he has just used me as a DLS and kept the other 2 out in the open as his perfect long term partners.. (although his IPSS hasnt met his family). I was and still am angry more than anything, and my yearning to expose him to his partners for the user that he is, is sometimes overwhelming. I really want people to know what he is … a coward, a user and a total fake…
Tell them I did I have now even registered the lying , manipulating narc on malescammers.com to warn others . If I can help one person not go through the pain and hurt I have I will .
I have come to the place of understanding the dynamics, but still feel swatted down like a fly. The vicious attack came seemingly out of nowhere, and of course no one saw or heard it but me, so there is no affirmation.
I personally have to admit I was completely rocked to the core when bf ex called as if normal and acted so caring one second and as soon as I questioned him on something painted me black , screamed horrible things to me, hung up on me and blocked me immediately. It was done and over in seconds in my eyes where I guess in his had been all along. So, I not understanding couldn’t believe he was just done. Yet, he was. It took a long time to stop crying. I cried and cried and cried more. I don’t cry anymore but I still mourn that friendship that was so fake. You never get completely over it. What are you left thinking?
WILL I EVER TRUST to be vulnerable enough to love again. Will I ever look at someone like that again without wondering if it’s all fake……. So, far I still question and you fear Love……. I run therefore fear I will push the one who may truly love me away because I don’t trust what I believed was true love or my judgement.
You forgot “I am really bloody glad it’s over, and my overriding feeling is one of huge relief” HG 😉
That first morning after when I lay in my friend’s spare bedroom I watched the sunrise as I couldn’t sleep. All at one moment the sun burst through the black clouds and left them far behind. I will always remember that moment, it seemed like an apt analogy.
And that was even before I’d found your blog! I don’t get on here as much as I used to (I have my life back you see 😀), but I often credit you and this blog in aiding my recovery. I hope you are well HG.
I am NN and thank you for your kind wishes. Valid point re your comment.
Obviously there were other emotions, anger and immense sadness for example, but the relief was certainly the strongest one. Even when I knew I was in for months of mindgames, it was the relief that pushed me on. It still is.
Of course when I say I have my life back, what I actually mean is I’m working around the clock 😉 But it’s still better than the alternative.
I’m really glad you’re doing well. You certainly deserve it. 6 million huh? Congratulations 🙌
Have you bamboozled them stateside yet? You know how they love a cut glass accent over the pond 😂
Thank you. I am not here to bamboozle my readers but rather to weaponise them.
HGTudor, I love the poll idea. As you know, the narcissist puts us through a range of emotions. In the early stages, when I did not understand who or what I was dealing with, I actually thought that I could reason with him. I thought that if I calmly and rationally expressed how I was hurt and what I thought our relationship could use to thrive, that he would respond and that we could make amends and move forward peacefully. Over time, it became apparent that he did not wish to make any changes or show me any kind of respect, except for off and on as he felt like being nice.
After reading articles, your blog and books, it’s really helped me to in perspective that there was nothing that I could do to save the relationship. After all, it wasn’t really a relationship. It was an illusion that I took part in and allowed to destroy me. I still have obsessive thoughts here and there. I would absolutely love to see him suffer, but I know that seeking revenge would ultimately not be worthwhile. I also wish that he would be exposed for what he really is. I know that is what would hurt him the most. But I can’t be focused on him because every time I concern myself with thoughts of him, I’m taking time away from building myself back up. He’s really not worth my time and never was. I just wish I would have acknowledged that sooner.
Indeed, but there is little to be gained from lamenting what has been and gone. You know now, that is the fundamental point Tonice.
Yes, HG, that might be right in her case, but for your kind it is only another advantage. You get away without punishment and will do the same things again – until hopefully somebody stops you. No, your kind deserves a hard punishment- something your kind will never forget. Most of your kind will not understand why, but that does not matter. Your kind should pay for your awful behaviour. Don`t think, you do not deserve it. You do.
Or do you let go your mother and thank her for your wonderful childhood?
Your sarcasm is unnecessary. She will be dealt with.
You pretty much said it all, Tonice!
He disengaged and ghosted me while i was pregnant with his child. During this time, i was trying to decide if he was really that cruel, or if it was just a phase and he would come back to me. The answer was: he was that cruel, and he did come back- and it wasn’t a good thing.
ANM,
I had the same thing happen to me!! Did he tell you he wanted a baby with you? Did you plan your child?
I hope all is well now. 😀
Wow – all of the above apart from the lowest voted for answer – we never want them to leave us alone do we………..we should, but we don’t, they’re our drug, our fix that they intentionally created our addiction to.
Revenge, bitterness eating away – outbursts to make ourselves feel better followed by silent treatment reactions. Push pull continues as long as we allow it despite how we KNOW we should block and go NC.
The bitterness continues to rot inside, giving him access to continue make life a living nightmare.
Only WE are in control and have to put this self absorbed careless monster out of our minds and lives.
In my eyes the counterpart is “self absorbed” as well.
Such a sad, but true statement. I’m on a round of disengagement and devaluation for what feels like the thousandth time.
I did want one of them to leave me alone. Instead of silent treatments he just wouldn’t let up on anything until I completely shut down. Then he’d get pissed off about that. During the relationship and even after we broke up, he’d track me down and harass me. going so far as to find me in public and try to fight with me in front of people. He was told repeatedly to leave me alone by myself and others.
The other N just ignored me and did the silent treatment. In my experiences I got one extreme or the other – abandoned and ghosted or harassed and stalked. Whichever the opposite was of what I wanted at the time.
Pardon? You’re joking?
@Context was your reply to me? If not, my apologies. But if so, I’m not sure why you say I’d joke about that? They both were very dysregulating in different ways. They used different extremes to get their fuel and “win” rather than talking calmly and objectively like adults. I think maybe the first one was Lesser and the second was Mid.
Pretty much all of these, except o think I have got to the stage where I don’t want him back.