The Narcissist and Gifts

THE NARCISSISTAND GIFTSImage result for picture of a rubbish gift


What do narcissists think about giving? Well, the starting point is that we are a gift to the world and really, should there be any need for us to give anything more? Of course there is; the giving of gifts provides us with yet another opportunity to manipulate people, exert control and ultimately draw fuel. Some people think that narcissists may not want to give gifts because we hate to do things for other people. The latter part of that point is correct, but the simple fact as ever is that the end justifies the means then we will do that and if that means parting with some of our money to purchase a gift and spending some time selecting it, then so be it. You probably will understand however that when it comes to the giving of gifts, it is nothing at all to do with you. As usual, it is all about us.

  1. Gifts of Seduction. During the seduction of a victim, some of our kind revel in the grand gestures of expensive and wonderful gifts. There may be repeated gifts every few days or some large grandiose gift. Occasionally, we may give careful consideration to what will impress you most but it is always linked into how it will benefit us. The purpose of such gifts is to cause you to admire us, thank us and draw closer to us as a consequence of our generosity and our thoughtfulness. Don’t think that we have been that considerate. You will probably receive a similar gift to the last primary source. If worked last time, so we will do it again. Thus the Somatic Narcissist who selects victims who are into material items may well always purchase some Louboutin shoes for each victim. The Cerebral Narcissist will provide a weighty tome for you to read. Not only is this exclusive hardback expensive but he can tell you all about how much he knows about the subject later. We also rely on the fact that even if the gift is not precisely what you wanted, most people are delighted to receive gifts and during the wonderful, elating and mesmerising seduction, the whole of the effects of our seduction make the receipt of the gift all the more gratifying. It gains kudos from being given against a backdrop of compliments, love, amazing sex, days and nights out and so forth. By appearing thoughtful and generous we draw you closer to us.
  2. Creation of debt. We only give you a gift in order to get something we want and the provision of a gift automatically creates a debt in our mind. It might be that we will control you through this gift, it might be that we use it to gain fuel or to mollify you if we think you are on the brink of leaving us and denying us our fuel. No matter how lavish or expensive the gift, there will be a price to pay for it, either now or later.
  3. Creating the favourite. We often use gifts to create a favourite and generate division. For instance, if we have three nephews, who are still young children, we may give one a larger and more expensive gift to one and smaller and less expensive gifts to the other two and it is obvious. Children will react to this with jealousy, petulance and upset which will generate fuel. It does not stop there. The parents of the nephews may well react to this unequal treatment so there is more fuel forthcoming. If we are challenged as to why we have done this you can expect to be told,

“It is my money and I decide how I spend it.”

We are entitled to do as we want and when it comes to giving gifts there is no exception.

This favouritism will continue all the way through so that a golden child will always fare better at Christmas and birthdays than his or her siblings with the attendant problems that arise. We will even do this when we have gone with an unequal division of assets. The Thought Fuel that arises as we sign the will knowing of the in-fighting that will come about in due course is satisfying indeed.

  1. The Rubbish Gift. This is done by design and often unintentionally. Since we lack empathy, we see no need to consider what somebody else what might really want for their birthday. Thus, we provide them with a hideous jumper that is too big or a garish ornament. The look of dejection and disappointment on that person’s face when they receive a book about butterflies produces a good dose of fuel for us. Of course if they do not seem appropriately happy, this allows us to roll out comments such as: –

“But I thought you loved butterflies.”

“I looked everywhere for that gift.”

“You should be grateful you got anything at all.”

We know you don’t like butterflies. We found the gift in the bargain bin at the supermarket and we know you won’t be grateful, we don’t want you to be, so we can provoke you for some more fuel.

  1. The Residual Fuel. Flowing from the rubbish gift is the expectation that when we next call around the hideous statue of what is meant to be two dolphins in the foam but looks more like a frothing Quasimodo, should be pride of place on your mantelpiece. Alternatively, you should be wearing that migraine inducing jumper. If you are not, you can expect us to play the victim and make you feel guilty for not showcasing our generous gift.
  2. The Wrong Gift. The cousin of the rubbish gift. This gift may be a good gift but it is the wrong one. You may already have one of these items already and a second is of no use. It might be that you asked for a handbag in black and we have bought you one in brown, even though it is the same make. The shoe size might be two sizes out either way, the ring too small, the lingerie too small. We do this because you see the wrapped item and recognise it to be the item you have asked for and your excitement mounts, only then to be dashed by this narrow miss. Yes, you may be able to exchange it, but we will have lost the receipt and such like and we will still make a song and dance if you point out that it is the wrong gift or if you fail to look suitably happy. You can expect comments such as: –

“You have one already. Well, a spare shoe horn is always handy.”

“It is too tight? Not my fault you have put weight on is it?”

“You told me size 7, yes you did. Stop trying to blame me for your mistake.”

“So what if it I a different colour, you should appreciate I bought you something.”

  1. Forgetting a gift. It always provides us with fuel when you expect a gift and none is forthcoming. We derive amusement from seeing you waiting all day, expecting a delivery to the door, or hunting around the house thinking that we have hidden your gift. When evening comes and no gift has been forthcoming your annoyance, upset or dismay provides us with further fuel. We will of course apply selective amnesia or deflection to the situation.

“I thought the anniversary was next week?”

“It’s only Valentine’s day, you shouldn’t expect a gift.”

“You are too old to receive birthday presents now.”

“Is it your birthday? I thought it was on the 21st?”

  1. My gift. You are expecting a gift and there is something expensive sat on the dining table. It is not given to you but sits there all day until you eventually ask if it is for you only to be told it is not and it is for me. Cue crestfallen look and more fuel.
  2. The Respite and Hoover Gift. Part of the seduction family. If we want to bring you back into the Formal Relationship following discard or escape, or if we want to reinstate the golden period, we will supply you with gifts again and endeavour to make them thoughtful so that you provide us with positive fuel and we draw you back to us.
  3. Future Faking. Gifts are not immune from us always promising to buy you something amazing for that forthcoming birthday. This keeps you bound to us, you keep giving us positive fuel from your enthusiastic responses to our promises, but we fail to deliver. We draw fuel and then promise to get it for you for Christmas instead. You know what is going to happen don’t you?
  4. Charity Gifts. If we make some donation to charity whether it cash or equipment, or even items we no longer need for them to sell at a charity store, you can be sure we will let as many people know as possible of our generosity. This gains fuel and maintains our façade.
  5. Outdoing Others. If there is a christening, a baby shower or a wedding we will often go big with our gift giving. If you have a wedding list, we will go off list in order to be different even though that crystal orange juice squeezer is not exactly needed. This form of gift giving is nothing to do with you. The gifts are likely to be lavish and expensive but it is all about showing off and gaining fuel and admiration as opposed to buying someone what they actually want. Of course, any complaint or lack of appreciation will be met with us playing the victim.
  6. Recycling. You end up being given a gift which clearly was a gift to us which we did not want. In some examples we may have even left the gift tag on showing that it was for added reaction. We considered those lavender bath bombs we received to be a total insult so next door can now have them as a house warming gift. Even beyond this, we may even give you as a gift something you gave to us. Not only does this show us to cheapskates it also shows we do not think much of your gift. Fuel abounds.
  7. Proximate Fuel. We gain proximate fuel from witnessing the reaction of our victims to our manipulative gift giving. As you know, we like to cause a scene and what better way that doing so in person, at a party or an event.
  8. Thought Fuel. Gift giving allows a double whammy. We have the chance to gain proximate fuel when we hand the gift over and you unwrap it and we also contemplate your reaction when we are not there. Either siblings fighting over the gift, people expressing their hurt at a tasteless gift, a rubbish one or the wrong one, so we even gain fuel after the event.
  9. The Early Declaration. If we are being grandiose in our gift-giving you can expect to know about your gift on Facebook or similar platforms when we post pictures of it and tell the world what we have got you for your birthday. No surprises for you, but plenty of admiring fuel for us.
  10. What the Last One Got. We buy you a gift and we can see you are not happy with it, underwhelmed or even upset. Of course there will be no sympathy or consideration shown by us. All we will do is remark about what we have got you is bigger, better and more expensive than what the last primary source got and you ought to be grateful. This also works in reverse when we let slip that we did not get you something as good as what the last primary source received because you didn’t get a good birthday present for us (even though you will have done – the reality is no bar to our manipulations).
  11. The Last One Didn’t Appreciate My Gifts. If we sense that you are unhappy with our gift, we gain fuel, but we will also emotionally blackmail you into being please with it by telling you how mean the previous primary source was in that no matter what we bought him he never appreciated the gifts. Suddenly, you are gushing over the tickets to a local amateur dramatic performance of Macbeth, even though you hate plays.
  12. But Look What I Gave You! This is done for future manipulation. If you fail to do something in the future, fail to submit and do what we want, we will hark back (and do so repeatedly) to that marvellous, rare and expensive gift we once got you. As I mentioned above, you always end up paying for the gift in some way.
  13. The Target. The gift we have given you and one which you like and cherish is used in the future as a device to manipulate you and draw fuel form you. We threaten to break the gift or we do break it. We hide it or take it from you. After all, what is ours remains ours and what is yours is still ours anyway since we are entitled and do not recognize boundaries.

Gifts and the act of giving provide us with so many opportunities to draw fuel both positive and negative from people, bind people to us, control them and manipulate them.

What is your experience of the narcissist and gifts?

120 thoughts on “The Narcissist and Gifts

  1. Bo Plush says:

    Haha, it was fun reading this one….this is my craziest gift

    1. Mrs Linton says:

      Bo Plush, give me anything else but that thing. That would have gone straight in the bin within milliseconds.

  2. Tappan Zee says:

    I got random bath balls. Really stupid over priced fizzy things with toys in the center. Their packaging said invented by teens. Monkey key chains and plastic eraser things would be the “gift” that fizzed out in the tub from the dissolved bomb. I got a few dozen over time.

    1. Mrs Linton says:

      Hi Tappan Zee, I resent anyone giving me bath balls, Such a nightmare to clean up, inclined to think they knew that.

  3. narc affair says:

    On a funnier note my dad who im sure isnt a narcissist while growing up would get me a jewellery box every year 😂
    One year it was evident his wife stopped buying gifts for him and wrapping them bc he showed up with three unwrapped gifts in opened boxes. One was a dremol tool, a napa autobody mug and hot cocoa with it(freebie gift im sure) and a used karoke machine 😄 it gave me a good laugh bc none of them were wrapped. Im sure he was last minute grasping at straws to come up with a passable gift lol
    A few years ago he really outdid himself and gave me….a generator lmaooo it was brand new and they are about 300.00 but a generator?? Just what a girl wants 😂 i love him for trying but gift giving is not his department lol

    1. Tappan Zee says:

      Wtf narc affair. I don’t know whether to laugh or cry. Both. 😭

  4. Mrs Linton says:

    My mother once gave my sister a set of second hand metal nail files in a dirty cosmetics case.Worse than a piss mat even.

    1. HG Tudor says:


      1. Mrs Linton says:

        My sister has always regarded manicuring as a sign of female societal suppression which made it doubly offensive. My mother of course acted with bewilderment as to how this upset could have anything to do with her and said she thought it to be a very sensible present!

    2. Dr. Harleen Quinzel PsyD. says:

      Ms linton,

      I think I’m speechless – that’s stranger than the piss mat- but wait is the pis mat the thing you put around the toilet and it’s usually decorative ?

      I’m not sure I’ve seen one?

      1. Mrs Linton says:

        Hi Dr. Yes it’s a British thing common with older people, it is a c shape and just fits around the base. They are truly horrible. It can also be a British thing to have carpet in the bathroom though it is out of fashion. My American friends are appalled. I am guessing you are not English if you have never seen one. We can blame some of our nasty food traditions on war time rationing but there is never an excuse for a piss mat! You are not missing out.

        1. Windstorm2 says:

          Mrs Linton
          It’s not just a British thing. We have them here in Kentucky. They come in a set with a plush cover for the lid of the seat (also nasty). They sell them everywhere. I’ve been given several as gifts over the years.

          My house also has carpet in the bathroom. I’d never seen that before but it is totally inconvenient and stupid. The whole house is carpeted except the kitchen – thank God they out linoleum there!

          1. Mrs Linton says:

            Hello Windstorm, my bathroom will never get fixed unless I agree to being hoovered, he has had the money from me. Saying that give me fluffy carpet than a Narc living in my house any day.

          2. Windstorm2 says:

            Mrs Linton
            I’ve often found that the sad reality is we often just have to write off as a loss money/tools/etc. that have been paid/loaned to a narc. I’ve had two of my narc brothers in law laugh in my face when I wanted an expensive tool ($3-400) back that was mine but my exhusband borrowed it then loaned it to them. One brother in law lost several big ticket items that way because “someone stoke them off a job site.” He said it like it was justification and he had no further responsibility. And I’m thinking, “What the hell were my tools doing left on someone else’s job site!” Of course that was probably all a lie. He’d probably sold them.

        2. Kimi says:

          Mrs Lipton,

          The furry toilet rugs and matching tank covers were popular in the US during the 1970’s. I remember being perplexed by them as a child and now, ewwww! The ‘70’s certainly had far better things to offer!

  5. K says:

    Speaking of thoughtless gifts, my mother handed me a ripped trash bag one Christmas with these odd toys inside, telling me they were from my (Narc) sister for my children. At the time, my sister was having sex with a police officer (in exchange for protection from arrest for drug dealing) and the toys were leftovers from the donation bin for the “Toys For Tots” program. You are tight narc affair, the less you expect, the happier you are.

  6. NarcAngel says:

    Narc Affair

    I hope you donated it to Nasa because space is the only place that food should be eaten. I shake my head when those plastic meat factories set up in the malls at Christmas. Meat (colored fat really) that stays with no refrigeration? No thank you. I thought Amway disappeared with the Hare Krishna.

    1. narc affair says:

      Hi narc angel…no the cult still lives on but theyve of course changed their name which i dont recall what it is.
      The way they operate as a business is so silly. I was pressured into getting my mum and stepdad some contacts to come to the meetings but to not tell these people it was Amway. That about says it all! I lost a new friendship in university over that setup.
      I agree about the phoney food its a ticking carcinogen bomb. You might as well eat the packaging it comes in too.

  7. narc affair says:

    I think one of the most thougtless gifts i ever got was some dried foods from my mum and stepdad one christmas. They were heavily into Amway and wanted to earn points so they bought me some dried soups, gravy powders, dehydrated stews…ordinarily i dont put much emphasis on a gift and see the thought behind it but this was imo selfish and plain tacky. I was quite hurt bc id put a lot of thought into their gift. My expectations of them over the years has really dropped to zero. I find the less you expect from a narcissist the happier you will be in the end. I ended up donating the food.

    1. Windstorm2 says:

      Narc Affair
      That’s good advice. Expect nothing. Then you’ll only be pleasantly surprised

  8. Just Me says:

    Dr. HQ and NarcAngel,

    The spatula and other gifts, or lack there of, were meant to humiliate and convey what he thought of me to my family. In retrospect, I should have given him a gallon of hand lotion and a sleeveless “wife beater” last year in front of his mother.

    1. NarcAngel says:

      Just Me

      Haha. If youre still with him theres always this Christmas. If not-silent treatment is the gift that keeps on giving.

    2. Dr. Harleen Quinzel PsyD. says:

      Just Me,

      He is an idiot. He is the one that looks ridiculous. That is what I find so freaking hilarious about all this – they maybe punishing us by not giving us what we want in a material sense and hurting us emotionally because of the lack of effort or the amount of effort they put into getting the wrong thing BUT they are so fucking blind they don’t see how bad they make themselves look to everyone. It is short-sighted and petty – it looks dumb.

    3. Dr. Harleen Quinzel PsyD. says:

      Honestly, think how stupid and petty their behavior really is.

      Treating me like a piece of shit will not result in getting what you want. I will not be compliant in any way over any matter if you act like a dipshit and throw tantrums and play petty games. My ex just didn’t seem to grasp this simple concept.

      I felt like I was engaging with someone who had the mental maturity of like a 14 year-old (I’m being kind by saying that lol). It gets fucking exhausting and old and I don’t have time to be a grown man’s mother. I’m no ones emotional punching bag.

  9. Sillyolperson says:

    Dear Mr Tudor,
    My “friend” gave me a doll that looked like a bald headed “chucky” in a red lace dress…it was very creepy. I gave it back, on one of my many attempts to sever the friendship! He donated it to children’s hospital!

    1. HG Tudor says:

      He’s all heart!

      1. Sillyolperson says:

        Dear Mr Tudor,
        He donated “chucky” and other crappy items to the children’s hospital so as to brag to his audience and get all the applause, but he used to say .. “oh I have to go to hospital” and people would ask if he’s ok, then with a sad face.. “oh no I’m fine, I make a special trip every month to donate books, dolls n toys to those poor sick children” ! His choice in toys n gifts were as bad as his attire! He elevated his taste whilst I knew him, cos I always dress up, but sadly, back to his old “cheap as chips ” ways! (He used to pick flowers from people’s gardens and gift them) . Anything that had his face and name on it, I got .. lucky me ! 🤢
        Ps … Everything has long been returned btw

  10. Connie says:

    Mine bought 3 gifts in 35 years. A foot massage thingy and an electric egg cooker and one of those portable things to jump start a car. I had never expressed any interest in these items. He used all three of them regularly. He took them all with him when I kicked him out! Hilarious!

    I was presented a nice bunch of flowers once. I was so pathetically happy. Then he told me he had been given it by someone else as thanks for something, about 10 mins later. Bawled my eyes out. Again, great fuel.

    Gosh, I wish I knew then what I know now.

    1. narc affair says:

      Hi connie…3 gifts in 35 yrs? Wow im sorry 🙁 it amazes me how messed up these people can be. The flowers that was just so tacky. We put up with so much to get so little and we deserve so much more 💓

  11. Just Me says:

    Christmas with my family, he gave me a spatula.

    1. Dr. Harleen Quinzel PsyD. says:

      Ding ding ding!!!!

      We have a winner!!!!!! Lol!!!!!

      I think you may have topped me😂

      My cousin got a shake weight from a guy one year 😂😂😂

      1. NarcAngel says:

        Dr HQ

        That could have been er…genuine (I was going to say heartfelt) lol. Perhaps he felt It would improve her technique. Although thats back to him again…

        I once got a single plastic comb from StepNarcs mother in front of all of the other children who got normal gifts. The kind that at the time came in a bag of 7 or 8 combs for a dollar. I handed it back in front of everyone and said: you might want to return this-the other 7 are missing. She was not pleased and THAT was my Christmas present.

      2. Dr. Harleen Quinzel PsyD. says:


        That is absolutely ridiculous! I’m glad you did that – you always crack me up LMAO!!

        You’re right – it could have been a genuine gift ::eye roll:: lol – but it was a shitty one that was like thoughtless….

        1. NarcAngel says:

          Dr HQ

          Grandtwat also gifted my mother (again in mixed company) some grossly oversized underwear and then added: If they dont fit I can always exchange them for a larger size. My mother said nothing but was visibly seething so Grandtwat got her fuel that time. I used to get her back for my mom. After Grandtwat dyed her hair a very dark colour ( in her 60s) and was very proud in showing it off I laughed and told her it made her face look like a raisin. Stepnarc actually laughed that time as well.

      3. Mrs Linton says:

        A friend of mines girlfriend bought him one of those mats you put around the base of the toilet to stop drips getting on the floor. I know she was trying to tell him something, all the same. Dr I think you are both neck and neck….

        1. HG Tudor says:

          Piss in the toilet. There’s no excuse. Those mats are disgusting.

          1. NarcAngel says:

            Agreed. Those mats are nothing but a pissy petri dish. If they cant piss straight and then bang off any dew left on the side of the toilet theres no hope (or interest).

          2. HG Tudor says:

            Bang off any dew – amused me.

      4. Dr. Harleen Quinzel PsyD. says:


        The underwear….I have no words…

        Hey – at least you got a few shots in….

        I notice you always do LMAO

        The remarks that come out of your mouth are freaking hilarious

        I would pay money to see the look on their faces

      5. Dr. Harleen Quinzel PsyD. says:

        Ms. Linton,

        WOW – that’s a pretty bad one!

        How are they not humiliated to give someone a shitty gift?

        Shit…at least make it look like you care – how stupid – sure the person receiving the gift gets annoyed and is confused as well as disappointed but these morons wasted their money.

        The whole thing is legit fucking stupid.

      6. narc affair says:

        Piss matts??? Seriously? 😂 ive never seen those but very gross!! Id rather clean up the mess than have it sitting in a matt stinking 🤢

  12. Carini says:

    Does gift giving also serve the purpose of reminding the victim of them when they are no longer in a formal relationship as well? With every Hoover my ex brings a ton of presents. It is never anything lavish, but things that could easily be sentimental or something he pairs with a story about how it reminded him of me, or how he would carry it in his pocket when he was thinking about me. Blah blah blah. He often uses the gift as a way in, “I have a present for you. I promise I won’t stay. I will even leave it on your porch. I just really want you to have it.”

    On top of giving me these presents he always needs to find a place in my house where they should be placed. Sometimes he just brings things of his and randomly places them around my house. I don’t notice until I finally manage to escape him again and we are in a period where we aren’t talking. Then suddenly it seems like no matter where I look there is a reminder of him. I feel like everytime he comes around I have to do a sweep of my house to rid it of him again.

  13. Kimi says:

    My Nex-husband was a wonderful gift-giver during most of our marriage, even when we were young and starting our careers. However, in the last few years (during devaluation) he would wait till almost midnight on Christmas Eve, hand me his credit card and then tell me to go buy myself something. I made sure he paid dearly for the late gift of jewelry, but he’d already spoiled it! I also surprised him with a new wedding ring one Christmas as his was well worn. He tossed it back in the box and never once wore it. I didn’t understand it then, but I do now.

  14. Dr. Harleen Quinzel PsyD. says:

    He got me a chia pet and a goofy tshirt for my birthday the first year.

    I have nothing more to say.

    1. narc affair says:

      Hi Dr. H…Was it dick shaped? 😂 sorry i couldnt help it. What youve saId about your ex narc id not be surprised lol they have no shame…i mean they do but they dont!

      1. Dr. Harleen Quinzel PsyD. says:

        I was so confused when he gave me that weirdo gift.

        The worst gift giver ever until I he just gave me his credit card to charge my gifts. He didn’t even know what he got me. I mean it’s thoughtless but at least I got the gift I wanted – even if there was no real thought on his part. He was an all around disappointment. He always did the bare minimum and I was supposed to be just dazzled…and so grateful.

      2. narc affair says:

        Dr. H …He sounded like a lesser no thought put into anything. It definitely would be disappointing! So glad youre rid of him and heres to a better future 🙂

  15. Cathrine says:

    I come from a family of narcissists of varying degrees and managed to escape the curse myself, or at least I hope so, but since I grew up this way with a full blown narcissistic grandmother and a mother with quite a few of those traits I guess I am in a way conditioned to it. We never did put a name to it though, and when I later on met a man with this personality disorder I guess some odd part of me felt at home even though I always had some strategies for coping with him. For my birthday a few years ago he made me a gift of 10 kg of assorted candy, and I absolutely do not eat candy. In addition he told me that if I had done my research and decided where I wanted to go for a holiday together he would have made the bookings. Since I hadn’t though, we would go nowhere and I was to blame. Of course he never asked for that research. But having some sort of childhood strategies I just laughed at him, booked a trip for myself in which he wasn’t invited. Need I say that was the beginning of the end for us? The absolute fury of him. I still find it quite amusing.

  16. Amy says:

    I would like to know your thoughts on giving flowers? Is that something that you as a narcissist tend to do?

    1. HG Tudor says:


      I do enjoy sending lillies during devaluation.

      1. Dr. Harleen Quinzel PsyD. says:

        I enjoy sending a rose dyed black

      2. analise13 says:

        HG, which type of Lily do you send them ?
        Is it orange, opposed to white.

        Is it to subtly inform them, they and the relationship are dead and done to you?

        I always thought Lillies symbolized innocence and purity.
        I imagined you sending yellow carnations or crimson roses.

        I recall an article of daffodils. I believe on the lawn of a former IPPS. As a reminder to her of your ever presence and her treachery?

        1. HG Tudor says:

          White. Yes, you are correct about the daffodils.

      3. Twilight says:

        Why lillies?

        1. HG Tudor says:

          Flower of death.

      4. Dr. Harleen Quinzel PsyD. says:


        So dramatic lol.

      5. Amy says:

        I asked because I tend to notice that men love to send flowers especially narcissistic types. I know some women love to receive flowers and they like to correspond the gesture towards an act of love but I see it being far from that. I find sending flowers and empty gesture… although I’m sure that’s with any gift from your kind. It all has to do with motives and nothing to do with meaning. My ex-husband loved to send me flowers at work ‘just because’… although they were never ‘just because’. It was all part of his plan to make me think he cared and to show off in front of my co-workers. After I had left him he sent me a giant bouquet of red roses for my birthday. Of course my first instinct was to toss the whole thing in the dumpster but I decided I would leave them in my office since they were rather pretty. Then I watched them as they withered and died just as I did our relationship and then I threw them out. I still keep the empty vase up on a shelf in my office also and that serves me a reminder that no matter the gesture or the words that come from him…all that’s left is an empty vase.
        My heart aches for my best friend who is currently in a relationship with someone who I am certain is a narcissist and he loves to send her flowers on a regular basis and she loves it. I tell her it’s all empty gestures if is actions don’t coincidence but what girl doesn’t love being showered with presents and flowers all the time?? Really just makes me sick now that I see right through it and I can only hope she can too before it gets too late. I also miss my friend because now that she is constantly having to cater to her new man we don’t get to hang as much anymore.

        1. NarcAngel says:


          I agree. Ive always thought flowers were a standard because men are too lazy to make an effort to pay attention to what we’d really like. And sending them to the office is all for show-so everyone will see how great HE is, and boy oh boy do the women ever suck that up because they feel it reflects to others their choice of partner. Public displays always send up an antennae and a lot of the time you find out later it was all a sham. Sometimes I suspect the woman has sent them to herself rather than admit he did nothing. Reminds me of the line:

          Dont make excuses for him. You cant put flowers in an asshole and call it a vase.

          1. Windstorm2 says:

            Now I’ve got to get that mental image out of my mind! 😱

            I’ve always loved flowers. The few times someone gave me some I was over the moon. My empath son sent a big arrangement to my school for my bday one year when he was a marine in the Iraqi war. That was a highlight of my life. I still have the card. Sometimes my MIL or SIL would get me flowers since they knew my husband never would. I always thought that was very sweet.

          2. NarcAngel says:

            Hi Windstorm

            I love flowers also (I am a gardener) and can see that people would love to receive them (I prefer mine still growing). Its the circumstances under which they do that Im referring to. Yours sounded lovely and appropriate. Im talking about the guy is too lazy to even go choose the flowers and deliver them himself. Will just pick up the phone to have them delivered and check his “duty” off on the list. Delivered of course to the workplace so everyone can see what a great husband he is despite her telling us just last week that she was sick and he stepped over her on the way to the washroom lol. I have received many bouquets but in private. Although once on Valentines day several women in my workplace received flowers with a card signed from Frank and were stumped as to who it was. Frank was my dog and my husband remembered the names of the women who did not have a partner and sent them under my dogs name so that they too would be receiving deliveries at work. When dating, receiving flowers can be nice, but one should be more concerned about the other things he is delivering that flowers cannot mask just in case hes from Team Narc lol.

          3. Twilight says:

            Narc Angel and Windstorm2

            I love flowers, lilies are my favorite yet I look at things from death is rebirth.
            I would have to say he knew, he would pick me flowers (wild flowers) while we were out then of course tell me everything about that particular species.

          4. Windstorm2 says:

            I understood what you meant, but for me any flowers are good flowers. I havent gotten more than half a dozen my whole life. Someone else said they didn’t like just being handed a credit card and told to buy their own gift. I feel extra special when that happens or when one of my narcs asks what I want and has someone else buy it. At least that way I not only got a gift, but something I actually wanted!

            The most expensive gift I ever received was a diamond anniversary ring on our 20th anniversary. I remember how enthusiastic his secretary was when she explained to me how she picked out the prettiest one in the shop and how it was unique and handmade. She really wanted me to know how special it was, but I’ll admit to only thinking how he hadnt even gone to the shop! To be honest, getting me an anniversary ring might have even been her idea! But I did get a very nice ring.

            I guess after living all my life with narcs my expectations are just that low anymore. But the flip side is I’m rarely disappointed!

      6. narc affair says:

        Interesting about lillies lol one of my favorites is lily of the valley altho they grow like weeds but smell pretty.
        I wonder if your devaluees understood the flower of death association? Id just enjoy them 😄

        1. HG Tudor says:

          The accompanying card will have got them over the line.

      7. Twilight says:

        Well I will just go with we definatly a have a different perspective on the meaning of lilies.
        I do understand thou why they can be called the flower of death.

      8. K says:

        The Language of Flowers: lilies, a very clear message.

      9. narc affair says:

        Hi amy…i think thats a great analogy using the empty vase signifying the empty future with a narcissist.
        In any relationship things wither away but what keeps it from dying is real love, respect and caring. Thats where the natc relationship differs its infatuation and fakery which always ends up withering away thats why they have a network to fall back on. Narcissists cant offer anything permanent except pain and suffering.

      10. Twilight says:


        If I may why do you view them as the flower of death?
        Which do you send?

        1. HG Tudor says:

          Because that is what I have always known them as.

          1. Twilight says:

            I see

            Thank you

  17. MyTrueSelf says:

    His gifts were items he thought I needed to have.
    He wanted to buy me a jacket one time, an outdoor style he felt I needed to have become he had one that he loved. I already had one, but I thought it was nice of him to want to buy me something so I went along with it.
    We tried a couple of stores but nothing fit/was suitable. It was reaching closing time and he was becoming more and more anxious, I suggested we leave it to another time.
    This was the trigger, he was about to blow and rage and to mitigate the disregulation we ended up buying..something, anything, it was bright orange.
    I didn’t care for it, if I’m honest but it was what he needed to do to calm down.
    I had to wear it from then on, to make him feel good- show that I was grateful.
    It was so odd..?.!..? It was clearly about so much more than just the jacket.

    We were in town and I wanted to buy some glass storage Tupperware. We were picking some out in the store then he completely dysregulated, he yelled, “You’re freaking me out!! You’re freaking me out!!”
    I was aghast. I had no idea what I had done. I was in tears.
    He stormed off and I received the Silent Treatment on the way home and for the rest of the day.

    A couple of days later a set of glass Tupperware that he’d bought sat on the table in a bag.
    So strange.

    1. Merripen says:


      Our time with them can feel like navigating a mine field.

  18. Mrs Linton says:

    “The man at the flower shop I know always gives me a good deal”

  19. K says:

    7. forgetting a gift.
    No Gift for me. At xmas my ULN and his family exchanged gifts but I was alway excluded. It didn’t phase me at all. No tears from me. I didn’t give a rat’s ass because every narc gift I ever got was terrible, except from my MMRN.

    1. Merripen says:

      What did your MMRN give you?

      15 Thought Fuel

      I once got a lovely vegetarian cookbook from him, called Three Bowls. It was written by the Monks at the American Zen Buddhist Monastery. It’s a thoughtful book of food and spiritualism. He and I would often facetime while we cooked. He said he liked the idea of me thinking about him when I perused it. I should probably get rid of it, but I did tear out the page where he’d written that he would love me always.

      1. K says:

        My MMRN knew I liked a poem by Hilaire Belloc titled, Matilda Who Told Such Dreadful Lies (and was burned to death), illustrated by Posy Simmonds, which was my favorite version, so he surprised me with the book and I remember thinking how wonderful he was.

        1. Merripen says:

          Thank you K. Book are harder to just toss away, somehow. Unlike other gifts, they are tied to mind and heart. All these cords to cut.

          I will find this and read it.

  20. Fiona says:

    I offered to buy my Narc a gift on his bday (I was a shelf IPSS) and he refused it. Why is that HG? Is it bc he has a gf and it would hurt his facade (e.g. he wouldn’t want to explain who gave it to him)?

    1. HG Tudor says:

      That is possibly an explanation yes. He also did it to provoke a reaction from you to gain fuel and then later he can accuse you of not buying him anything and denying you offered to gain more fuel and exert control over you by messing with your mind.

      1. Fiona says:

        Good thing his bday is coming up soon and I have completely stopped talking to him – no fuel for him at all 😉 Thanks as always HG!

        1. HG Tudor says:

          You are welcome.

  21. Noname says:

    I’ve never ever took any gifts from my men aside of flowers and candies. Even from my both husbands. Even the wedding rings. I have my own money and if I want something, I buy it myself. I owe nothing to anyone. That’s what my grandmother taught me and that’s good.

  22. Diva says:

    I was apprehensive reading this article because I have a “gift quirk” of my own…..but thankfully it is not highlighted here. I spend lots of time choosing gifts and always buy people things that I really like and would like myself. Therein lies the problem……when I get the gift home…..I like it so much that I can’t possibly part with it and so I usually keep it for myself…….I hope K is not reading this one……Diva

    1. K says:

      Ha! Busted Diva.
      A fugitive, fire-starter and a gift-keeper. The seedy side is staring to show. K

      1. Diva says:

        K…….Now you know why I only actually post half of what I write……you are not ready for the truth……and neither am I!!!!!!!………….Diva

      2. Merripen says:

        No place to hide, Diva! You outgrew Fidel and England’s too big to burn.

        1. Diva says:

          Hi Merripen……I had to depart from England too…..I currently live in Northern Ireland…..I am in hiding out there in the sticks……..there is less opportunity to get into trouble here……but I still have my moments…..quite a few actually…..I may have to move back across the border into Ireland AGAIN…..well once I have been deported from Sweden!!!!!…..Diva

          1. Merripen says:

            Wow Diva, there is no country you won’t take on! I am moss on the northface of the tree compared to your globetrotting lifestyle!

  23. Diva says:

    Mine bought me a shiny red car……however the shine soon wore off the bonnet….. I became his unpaid chauffeur….at any hour, day or night……he called me Jeeves……..Diva

    1. Merripen says:

      Check out the chauffeuring of the married couple in this Swedish car commercial!

      1. Diva says:

        Hi Merripen……you might not hear from me for a while…..I am off to Sweden!!!!……..Diva

        1. Merripen says:

          Hahaha! That video confirmed the next country to conquer! That’s my girl


  24. K says:

    My First Escape

    This story had been told to me, however, I do have some memory of it, as well. My mother (a lesser) neglected me very badly, and when I was 2-years old I escaped from my playpen, wearing only a diaper, and walked about a block away, crossing 2 1/2 streets on my journey. My memory begins in the middle of the 3rd street: I am in the street and a car passes slowly by and stops. It is a police car, they stop the car, get out and pick me up. That is where my memory ends. A neighbor was passing by, recognized me and told the police she knew where I lived. I was brought home and my mother blamed my 10-year old sister for not watching me. Where did the police find me? In front of the Public Library, or course.

    1. Merripen says:


      I can see your jailbreak so clearly in my mind’s eye. You were born to escape narcissists weren’t you. Even your two-year-old feet knew it and took you where your sanctuary would be found.

      1. K says:

        The library was like a sanctuary for me. As child I went there to get away from my mother and father; I remember sitting in the little chairs looking at picture books. It was so quiet and peaceful. I loved it.

        1. Merripen says:

          You dear soul. Somehow you were able to give yourself what you needed. I admire your strength and determination. You did not crumple, you carried on. (hug)

  25. Emily Lancer says:

    The Narc I know worked for me. He made me a pretty curved book end thing out of moulded skirting board. I thought it was delightful and kept it in my office.
    Until the shit hit the fan and I worked out that I payed for his time to dick about and he was only doing it to show off his skills. He would often bring up bits of work he was particularly proud of and point them out over and over….erm it was your JOB!! Then it went on the fire. He acted like he was a gift for me and I actually believed he was doing me all these favours.. even while I paid the invoices. Muppet.

  26. Recovering Narcoholic says:

    Getting gifts from my narc was like having sex with him… None of it was about pleasing me. It was about him getting fuel from my response to the gift/sex. And if the reaction didn’t involve enough praise, he’d ask for it.

  27. Windstorm2 says:

    When I got my first house, one of my cousins gave me a box of things she didn’t want anymore as a house warming gift (she told me it was old junk she didnt want). Inside the box was every Christmas gift my mother and I had got her for the last several years. When I pointed that out she said, “Well, you ought to like them then.”

    1. Diva says:

      Windstorm2…….you have to laugh at that one!!!!! I do find narcs comical……when they aren’t living with me!!!!!………Diva

      1. Windstorm2 says:

        Yeah, I can see the humor now, but I’m not very good at seeing it at the time.

        One time I spent a month making a framed pastel of a scene from West Virginia for my husband (he loves WVA and considers himself from there). When I gave it to him for his birthday. He seemed really blown away by this gift and hung it in his law office. The next month for my birthday, at the party my family had for me he made a big deal of giving me a poster board with a parody of my WVA picture scrawled in it in crayon. He bragged to everyone how I had spent a month making him the same thing, but it only took him 5 minutes and 8 jumbo kindergarten crayons. I failed to see the humor there too.

        And he still has my picture hanging in his office and he’s changed offices 3 times.

        1. Diva says:

          Windstorm2…….Apologies but I found that story comical too…..what else can you do but laugh?…….at least he has kept your framed pastel…….I am not sure that is a good thing though…..ever presence as HG calls it……he’s not letting you go mentally in any event……..he must think of you whenever he looks at it……..Diva

          1. Windstorm2 says:

            Naw Diva. He doesn’t think of me whenever he looks at the pic. He thinks of WVA, because that’s his favorite place. If someone ever asks him where he got it I’m sure he would tell them and get some fuel thinking of all the time i spent on his gift and that his wife was talented enough to pull it off. His, his, his.

            I do stay in his mind though. He calls me nearly everyday and we go out a couple times a week. But that’s because narc relationships are endless and in his mind, I’m still his as well.

      2. narc affair says:

        Hi windstorm…your story ablut your birthday party and how your narc poked fun at how long you took on your gift to him vs how long he took is carbon copy what my narc does to me. For instance when im on vacation i make it a point to share lots of pics with him and videos. Its my way of letting him know im thinking of him and sharing. Hes always very thanlful but pokes that he was able to enjoy it all “free” while i had to pay to experience it. I see it now for what it is and its envy. Your narc was envious at your talent despite you created it for him. He feels lacking in the light of your talent and that was a way for him to diminish his envy by dminishing your gift at your bday party. He sounds so much like my narc.

        1. Windstorm2 says:

          Narc Affair
          I agree. I had decided it was envy as well. They can’t stand to have someone succeed at something that they have not. They also have to hog the spot light all the time.

    2. K says:

      That was hilarious! Thanks for the laugh. Nice house warming gift BTW.

      1. K says:

        That wasn’t very nice of your husband at all. Sorry he did that to you on your birthday.

      2. Windstorm2 says:

        Yeah, especially when it’s prefaced with, “Here’s a box of stuff I don’t want.” 😝

    3. narc affair says:

      Hi windstorm…wow that was incredibly rude of your cousin. This is something my mother in law would do. Shes given my sis in law things i gave her which i dont mind my sil having but it wouldve been nice to been told…very awkward.
      When im ready to sell something she will volunteer it to my sister in law as if its her item to give away. Very brazen!

      1. Windstorm2 says:

        Narc Affair
        Very brazen, but very narc-like.

    4. Merripen says:

      My toes are curling from the uncomfortableness of a situation like that. It’s so incredibly rude, that it plays out like a sitcom scene! (Seinfeld, maybe?)

      1. Windstorm2 says:

        Never watched it. Haven’t really watched American sitcoms in 40 years, but from what I remember they makes jokes of a lot of narc behavior – so probably.

        1. Diva says:

          Windstorm2 and Merripen……..even the mere mention of Seinfield brings a huge smile to my face. I love Kramer……yes the very odd one……I can relate to him…….this is my main problem…….birds of a feather duster and all that entails!!!!…….Diva

      2. narc affair says:

        Thatd be pushing it even for seinfeld lol mind you i could see the humor in it. You have to laugh at the ridiculousness of it all!

      3. narc affair says:

        Hi windstorm…seinfeld is a classic. If you need a good laugh seinfeld will give you one!! I own the whole series 😄

        1. Diva says:

          Hi Narc Affair……my narc introduced me to Seinfeld… I have to give him some credit for that……I was addicted within minutes……I can watch it over and over again and it still makes me laugh the same as when I first saw it……if not more……I too had to buy the whole series…….Diva

      4. narc affair says:

        Hi Diva…yes seinfeld is so therapuetic! My favorite episode was the tonsilitis 😂 i just heard julia dreyfus(elaine) has breast cancer. Poor lady.
        Writing you a script for a dose of 2 episodes tonight 😄

        1. Diva says:

          Hey NarcAffair……..every Seinfeld episode I watch becomes my favourite one, but I do recall an episode about an ugly baby and Kramer thinking his accountant had a drug habit that made me laugh…….plus the mango episode!…..I could go on and on. I hadn’t heard the news about Elaine…….that’s sad………..when I get home I intend to watch them all again………Diva

    5. NarcAngel says:

      Im sorry but that response was pure gold. I would have had to laugh out loud and give them the point.

      1. narc affair says:

        Hi narcangel…in all seriousness my mother in law wouldve said that same thing with a straight face and felt she had every right to do so. She sees nothing wrong with saying it like it is.

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