A Letter To The Narcissist – No. 2


I recently invited readers to pen the letter that they would like to send to the narcissist that they entangled with. Here is the letter which ‘JJ’ would like to send. Does it mirror your sentiments and experience at all? How do you think the narcissist would react to receiving this?

“Hey sorry I didn’t respond to your text. I wanted to, but I wasn’t sure what to say. I mean what do I say to someone as amazing as you. You’re so much better than me. I didn’t want to disappoint you again so I didn’t respond.  I hope you didn’t think it was because I wasn’t interested. I will always love you and I have thought about you every day. I know you are busy with law school and I have no idea how you manage to balance it all. You were always so much smarter than me.  I feel terrible about the way things ended but you were right to break up with me.  You were so good to me and I didn’t deserve you. I was so insecure and dramatic, always starting fights with you. We were so different. You with your superior etiquette, wealth and private schools and me with my inability to keep up. You were right, I took out my insecurity of not being good enough by accusing you of still wanting your ex and for that I was wrong. Of course she still texted you and wanted you. Who wouldn’t. How could I not see that you starting law school in February after quitting your job and deciding to apply in January was way more important than our June wedding. I should have just changed the date like you wanted. You were right. I was so dumb to think you should have discussed it more with me before you quit your job and changed careers.  You decided you wanted to go to law school and I should have not been so selfish to expect you to worry about something as trivial as our wedding. I can’t believe I didn’t listen to someone as smart and cultured as you. Any girl would be lucky to have you. I was so poor and unpolished when you found me. I was insecure about my family not being able to pay for the wedding and I took that out on you. You were right, you were doing my family a favor by paying and planning a wedding we could never afford without you. Everything I am I owe to you. I know you spent a lot of money on the engagement ring and I want to give it back to you. I don’t deserve to keep such an expensive ring. You’re right, you should give that ring to someone who deserves your love. On the back of this letter I wrote down a time and a place for us to meet and for me to give you back the ring. I know it sounds silly but I just want to see you. Please meet me at the location and time on the back of this letter. Hope to see you soon.
Forever yours,

(Back of letter)
“Just kidding you lying piece of shit. I know you cheated on me our entire relationship with your fat ex and probably a dozen other people at least. I say people because I am not sure they were all women.  That’s ok though because I know you probably didn’t have sex with any of them since you’re some asexual freak. I also know you didn’t break up with me because I was stressing you out with wedding planning, we were all of the sudden incompatible and you just needed to be single for awhile while you get through law school. It was because when you asked me if I think you are stellar I said no. Who asks someone if they think they are stellar. You are so pathetic. I bet you even thought I really meant the front side of this letter too. Don’t contact me again when you fail out or decide to change careers for the tenth time because I don’t care about you anymore.”



  1. hg, I have been going back and reading all these old letters and I got to thinking that the narc from this letter is probably getting close to being done with law school (assuming he stayed in). Would the narc finishing school put JJ at a greater chance to be hoovered? Does that lower the Hoover bar? I would imagine it would since he would be moving away from his network of law school buddies.

    1. I do not see finishing law school as being a factor in itself relevant to the Hoover Execution Criteria, it possibly could cause a Hoover Trigger though.

  2. HG, In your article about why narcissists disengage you listed wounding with intent as the fifth reason. Would the girl answering that he is not stellar be an example of that occurring? Do you think that response triggered him to disengage or was it just a narcissistic injury?

  3. I know you are giving us more detailed information later HG but can you please tell me if this narc is a mid ranger? I am trying to figure out on my own which class of narcissist each letter is about and I am dying to know if I am right.

  4. Hg would that be a pretty bad narcissistic injury to say no he wasn’t stellar? Or does it only injure if it is not said emotionally? I can’t imagine asking someone if they think I am stellar. that is so strange.

  5. HG – What type of midranger is this narc? It sounds like he might be uppermid but I am not sure. I am still perfecting my narc detecting skills.

  6. hg i know you are commenting on this later but do you think that jj is an empath or a super empath? I am wondering if she is super or possibly in super nova by the way she repeatedly wounds the narc in this letter on the back side.

  7. HG can’t wait to hear how you think I midranger would react to this. Sounds like she might be in the clear since it’s been so long. I can’t imagine him trying to contact her after being gone 7 months.

  8. HG – how common do you think broken engagements are with narcs? I feel like most broken engagements I know of involve at least one narc.

    1. There is no empirical evidence available of course but there can be little doubt that there will be a significant number which have been broken owing to entanglement with our kind.

  9. Great Job JJ.

    Excellent idea HG. I am enjoying reading the letters. I wish I could come up with more than 2 words for the ex narcs. My only other option is the hand gesture.😊

    Self preservation, healing, and restoration to all.

    1. Hello Jacob, I will be commenting on the content of the letters in future work, so will address that point then.

  10. It feels great to vent your spleen.
    Done it a lot.
    Not now.

    Because ive learned here why its pointless.

    Ive also learned how to wound more effectively even though I had it down to a point for who truely deserved it.
    By that I mean..do not fuck with me mentality, quietly said.

    My letter to the narcissist does not exist.
    Therefore not sent.
    Narcissist ignored..now not only via proposed external suggested letter…but ignored by me from the inside out.

    All I would now let slip (if anything) is a small sound…a little laughing sound…albeit fake or not..as I move on successfully if even in spite of PTSD…which fades..so as to rise and take hold of a new future. Knowing that whilst there are more narcissists around than we ever knew that there are equally as many loving genuine and wonderful people still in this world and they’re out there.

    The narcissist is not going to kill my belief nor take my own power from me, not now, not ever.

    Screw letters. Screw wasted resurrected emotion directed at the wrong destination i.e. an empty hole.
    Viva onwards ! with more strength than ever before.

    No letters…No discernible anything … no Kick-Ass smokescreen… no stamping of feet no gnashing of teeth… no salivating jaws before a fatal bite..

    No. Always no.

    Just the quiet truth:
    Revenge is sweeter in silence . . .
    success writes its own letter out in the ether.

    Oh and. . . Haha.


  11. It’s tragic and funny at the same time. What a lousy experience. HG please tell us when these letters come in how you would feel reading that. Sorry I am still laughing. Keep the ring girl!

  12. This letter was brilliant I relate on so many levels it’s amazing I can’t even list them all absolutely brilliant bravo

  13. I enjoyed the letter! I, too, was thinking…this has to be satire, because it is not accurate, but it reflects the things I would try to tell myself or him in order to hide reality.

    In regards to frustrations, some of them were hit right on. There are so many frustrations I have with a greater narcissist, that I could attempt a letter. I don’t know that I could catch it all. Everything in my entire life became frustrating. After we had a child, I was frustrated with myself for not making a better plan; a plan of escape would have been the best. Once I did, I found some peace. Almost four years later, and I still am frustrated because his wealth and status keep the courts going, he still gets by with everything from molestation of our daughter to driving intoxicated to neglect/abuse with physical evidence. This vents a portion of my frustrations, but doesn’t scratch the surface of the 13 years I spent with the bastard.
    This is a wonderful example of how we learn to play into the world of the narcissist, but we still come out with reality and a long road up ahead. The first portion allows the narc to feel so delighted in all he has done. He might be a little self-conscious about the letter being so accurate. Mine would accuse me of being a c**t, only to flip it over and go on a rant/rage of some sort. Oh, how nice it would be to write what I truly think! Great job! This was an unexpected delight!
    Maybe I should try one…

  14. Me personally think that reading the front part of the letter the narc wouldn’t bother much, only might found it a bit annoing…. and also he wouldn’t much care about the back part too….perhaps only one thing he would give to that reading is a smirk. I might be wrong.

    1. I absolutely aggree. I could sense the irony of the first part, it is very good. The first page, with only a short surprise – phrase as an epilogue reversing it all, would be excellent.

  15. Trade the 💍 in for another piece of jewelry. You deserve it. I’d even consider posting, “always wanted a (item) I’m so excited!” Look your best, big smile, include picture with item. Just make sure social media doesn’t allow him or others he’s involved with to comment openly on said post or message you. 😈

  16. “We were so different”…
    “We were all of the sudden incompatible…”

    That was the root of problem.

    Shifting from “front” to “back of letter” was very interesting maneuver, JJ.

  17. Awesome letter! As I read page 1, I was thinking… wow, she’s really pouring it on thick! Talk about placating your narc…. I know they love to hear that stuff, then that quick switch to reality! Loved it! I could imagine the fury igniting. I related to page 2 and like Sandra, ” I say people because I’m not sure they’re all women”… fantastic… mine had a tranny in the mix….

  18. Metaphor for façade side versus real side brilliantly illustrated.

    “I say people because I’m not sure they’re all women” made me spit my coffee with mirth at the wounding.

  19. Love the letter to the narcissist series! Do you plan to share your thoughts on how they made the narc feel HG? Hope so.

      1. Well that puts an end to my idea of writing a letter to my mother. I already know how she would have reacted and it saddens and disgusts me. No need to see her hateful words spelled out here in my virtual oasis of sanctuary. Best to leave her dead where she belongs.

  20. Lmao the last word can be so sweet! JJ id pay to see your narcs face reading both the front and the back! The front i was saying nooo no youre wrongg..lol but reading the back was a huge relief! Payback can be a B as they say 😄 ty for sharing and making my day 👍👌

    1. K, I was thinking that the letter itself, any letter, means fuel. Even the fact that someone spent time to write to him, provides him with fuel. In the beginning, for more than one year, I was writing. Big letters. Some of them I sent, in the form of (huge) messages. Oh, how much he must have enjoyed them! Most of them I kept for myself, thank God. I read some today and they made me sad-I was so ignorant…Although I find HG’s idea brilliant, I personally cannot write a letter now. I have nothing to say to him, now that I come to think of it.

      1. M, Yup, you are right. It is just fuel. Don’t beat yourself up too much about sending those letters. None of us here knew what we were dealing with. I sent letters to some of my narcs too, so you are not alone in that respect. They never responded. IRL I wouldn’t send my ex a letter but I did submit one to HG. I have nothing to say to my MMRN either. It is over and it is time to let go, but, like you, I feel a bit sad sometimes.

  21. So much fuel in this one, she built him up with massive positive fuel, albeit false praise and then tore him down with criticizing negative fuel.

    In this letter the author gets satisfaction for letting him know precisely what she thinks of him and the reader/ narcissist gets fuelled for a fleeting moment.

    Until he turns over the page and realizes he is being mocked and criticized. That it was all a lie too and his fury ignites.

    The other side, was the best side for me to read.

    To be honest the first side, reminded me of words I had said when trying to understand his behaviour and blamed myself.

    I was never hurtful or hateful to him, just honest in trying to understand.

  22. Hi JJ…….That was very entertaining………although I have to keep reminding myself that these are all true stories……it defies logic that we put up with this kind of behaviour. When I read your story and indeed Cordelias, I found myself questioning myself, “Who on earth would put up with that?” Yet then I briefly remember my own narc stories (more than one) and find the answer to that question is also ME………..Thank you for sharing your story…….I don’t have the balls to do it………Diva

  23. Didn’t care for the letter especially the front. Maybe just send the back part only because that is the truth of who he presented himself to be!

    1. I do not believe he would read it thoroughly. Narcissists are so egotistical and hung up on themselves, i think after the first few harsh words he would read the narc. would trash it immediately or burn it. He would stand back and smile, and watch the letter go up in flames. He does not care about how he treated you. This would only reinforced his idea of superiority and grandiosity over you. Your letter would give him fuel, not negative but positive. You would be adding fire to the flame thus heightening his ego and increasing his self esteem and confidence. I say don’t send it and bypass the card/letter. Take away his power and control over you and maintain your integrity, go for absolutely no contact and maintain it. This alternative would give him no fuel supply what so ever. You would get the last word in not him. Don’t waste your time and energy on him, because it will not get you anywhere, except severe pain and heatbreak . If it is mailed you will feel worse about yourself.

      1. We never know how narc would react as we cannot think the way he has. We can only guess. Only HG can answer that. Cant wait for HG comments on all letters he presented here.

  24. Stellar is a strange adjective without a noun. Stellar at what? Good riddance to him.

    You’re very funny, and I needed a laugh. Thank you! Your humor should help with the long winded, godforsaken healing process.

    As per HG’s questions, JJ’s letters mirrored my frustration (frustration is a gross understatement) of the word salad and constant changing of the goal posts. I do not share JJ’s anger because I’m too busy dealing with the cognitive dissonance of loving/loved someone who could so willfully and violently hurt me. Is love even real? is what I spend/waste my time pondering.

    My letter would be Bronte-like, and I don’t in this instance think that would be a good thing. : )

    Thank you again JJ!

    1. An allusion to Bronte is always gratifying. I would enjoy reading it as well, lady everlasting. Just do not remit to the narcissist in your own life.

      HG often appears to have stepped off the pages of literature.
      To become akin to a real life Bronte protagonist.

      Even his writings reflect this many a time.
      It is delightful to read through such dire discussion.

      Words can become addictive to our nature.
      Just as HGs blog and writings have become to the quest for knowledge.
      Cathartic and curative.

      I find the letter series quite enjoyable and distracting.

      1. I will try! HG and the commenters have made me feel so much less alone and crazed. I’m so grateful for the dark (super dark, our very own Heathcliff) beauty of his words.

        So strange that one Narcissist can break you, and another can help build you back up again.

        1. Wonderful, ladyeverlasting.
          Yes, A more refined Heathcliff.
          I agree, that from this darkness comes light.
          HG is using his darkness to illuminate us all.

  25. Omg bahahaha-I love it!! The other side of the page-priceless. Yes, I can totally relate to it all, especially the screwing around with the nasty ex. This letter is awesome, thank you for sharing!

  26. Oh, I think that ones good! Love the front/back shift. I think he will react/feel exactly like you want him to when he reads it. Good luck keeping the ring, though, if it’s a real one.

Vent Your Spleen!

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