A Letter To The Narcissist – No. 5

A LETTER TO THE NARCISSIST -MH'S LETTER

I don’t want to believe you are a narcissist. Your behaviour had me looking up manipulation and empathy and brought me to descriptions of narcissism that sound so much like the things you say and the way you compose yourself. Still I don’t want to believe it. I like to think you have enjoyed me as a person rather than just as a means to an end. Asking if you are a narcissist wouldn’t bring any good result if it’s so, and would only upset you if you aren’t. The last thing I want to do is upset you in any way.

I feel both relief and stress in the thought that you might be a narcissist. It would explain a lot of things that confused me and I feel less like these things might be my fault. I tried my best, but I’m not able to be what you wanted from me and I need to protect myself. I’ve sensed for a while that being with you is dangerous, and you showed me ways that I could not trust you when I really needed to. Safety and trust are so important. It feels like the fears and worries became too much and a light switch in my mind turned off. I still admire you, you still have my respect. I no longer want to be intimate with you. Please don’t take this as a criticism, I mean no insult. I genuinely care about you. I’m in your corner and will be the truest friend to you if you’ll allow me. I wish positive fuel would be enough for you. We share interests and enjoy similar tastes in art, music, humour, and more. I like to think our interactions were enjoyable for us both when we were friends. Please, let friendship be enough and grant me immunity if you have a need for negative fuel. Please don’t be the way that I fear you are… let me remain your friend.

I will not ask you if you are a narcissist, because I don’t need to know. I already know that there is a chance that you are, but it isn’t a certain thing. I can educate myself on the subject – learning what to expect and how my reactions might be interpreted by you if you are – but I don’t need a confirmation of it being true. I just hope we can return to the friendship that we once enjoyed. You are the one in control of whether or not to allow our friendship, please don’t make me feel like I need to withdraw more to protect myself.

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36 thoughts on “A Letter To The Narcissist – No. 5”

  1. Thank you all for your comments and advice. Very helpful to read at a time of confusion and uncertainty. I’m taking everything said here to heart ♥

  2. Thank you MH for sharing.
    I was once at this stage as well.
    It will get better and you will heal from doubt.
    This exercise aids in that process.

  3. It reminds of one of HG’s videos. The one where he tells us to never say “I can’t be in a relationship with you anymore, but I’ll always be there for you”. He warns us about this predicament. They “know” we’ll always be there for them… that’s how they orchestrate it.
    I love HG’s phrase “GOSO”.
    It’s very interesting to read all these victim letters.

    I think MH’s narc would be glad to get some fueling and look to manipulate her back between the sheets for further fuel.
    Peaceful.

    1. I actually do agree in principal that GOSO should be the end goal. However, intermediate steps on the way there can be helpful. One can certainly SAY “I’ll always be there for you” as a way to BOTH give oneself space from the Narc AND sort of deceive oneself long enough to get some much needed distance. Just because you SAY you’ll always be there doesn’t mean you actually have to follow through with it. I’m a big believer that if your Getting Out processes involves lying to yourself a little bit in the service of getting out, do it! Whatever it takes to get you out out and away!

  4. MH, there’s so much more too being friends and unfortunately a narc could never provide you with genuine friendship. Release the narc and allow God to bless you with real friends. People who will and can love and celebrate you.

    “You have to make the decision to let go of the past if you want to move forward. Reliving your painful past will poison your heart and your tomorrow. If you look at today through the eyes of the past, you can never see what the present moment has to offer.” 
    — Bryant McGill

    1. She’s just not ready yet it takes a long time in a whole lot of self work to figure this thing out. How many times have I gone no contact… to many to count …but I’d finally get it now and I’m no longer attached. I’ve done the work and gone through the pain and I’m now learning to love myself and it makes all the difference in the world that is the key to shaking the narcissist you have to learn to love yourself

  5. Such a well-written letter; these same thoughts many of us have felt, I am certain. This letter is such an important benefit to HG’s blog and for all who will come to view it over the years.

    And, the rich burgundy rose is captivating. <3

  6. MH seems to be in a stage of denial and is very much swimming in the emotional sea. It almost feels pointless trying to convince MH to let him go, move on and make zero contact. Information is probably non absorbent presently. To apologise so strongly and keep her life on hold for this man is absolutely crazy. The information is available here, learn from it. Imaging NO MORE CONTACT as a tool – a silver stake being driven through his heart. (Hypothetically speaking of course. No dogs shall be physically harmed in this experiment.) Your choice in this is to drive the serrated stake to its desired place slowly or quickly.

  7. I have been in this EXACT situation, trying to build a real friendship with someone I was pretty sure was an N. All I got was 3 more years of pain and then ANOTHER nasty discard. MH, tell yourself whatever story you need to to start walking away. (I think a little healthy, no-contact goal-oriented self-deception is not such a bad way to start cutting those binding cords.) However, don’t build up your hopes for a great friendship… If my experience is any indication, it will be HELL.

  8. Great letter and very heartfelt. Ive been here on and off. Wanting the intimacy but not wanting it. Wanting to hang onto the good parts of the relationship. The good times and the fun times but with a narcissist you have to take it all unless youre a tertiary who rarely engages with them. Can a narcissist be a friend? Lets look at the narc equation …1+1=…1 ..itll always be about them. Even when theyre being nice its still serving them. Trust is not entirely possible bc its about them. Ive wracked my brain over this so many times and yet i still have hope bc losing hope means having to let go. Having to let go means pain.
    I can totally relate! Ty for sharing 💓

  9. MH,

    Your letter gives me hope that your awareness came before getting in too deep with this person, and spared you becoming even more injured. Your description of the enjoyments you shared is familiar to my own experience. It is difficult to accept that what felt (to you) like a communion between two kindred spirits, is now tainted with skepticism of having been genuine at all. I wonder if you can achieve the kind friendship that you seek with this person. Tread carefully, MH. Wishing you all the best.

  10. MH, I was wondering if you are at the beginning of your healing stage? Interesting choice of flowers HG! If I could pick a flower for the narcissist it would be this rose. It is the Fire and Ice rose! Xxx

    1. Its perfect the flower and the blood. The thorns are a reality with narcs despite their beauty and holding onto them too closely will hurt you.

    2. Very early, I’m still in contact with this person though it has only been a few words here and there recently. I’m extremely wary and working through reading HG’s material to understand it all.
      That rose seems appropriate for how I’ve been feeling. It’s a confusing time and I’m worried about getting things wrong

  11. This one saddens me because I felt that way once too. Unfortunately, there is no real friendship with a narc. I’ve been there, pleading for the sweet friendship we had at the beginning. It never truly existed though. It was all a farce, a set-up, a façade. Those sweet times were just part of the seduction to get you hooked. The short respite that might be granted to you as a friend isn’t worth the heartache it will bring- and it will bring cruel heartache. Protect yourself, guard your heart. Acceptance of what he truly is is hard, but it will bring healing.

    1. I totally agree. My Narc and I were in a FWB ‘relationship’, and each time he always knew the right things to say to hoover me back in, and get what he wants from me. Despite his Jekyll and Hyde behaviour, and traits, pathological lies, and manipulation I always held out hope, and still am that we can go back to just laughing and being friends with no intimacy. But I am deluding myself, as i cannot just switch off my emotions and feelings for him. It’s a toxic and dangerous relationship, that will fuck your mind up even more being with a Narc as mine has challenged and kept tabs on me and where I am.

      1. I had held out hope for months. Nothing changed, in fact his treatment of me got worse. I finally accepted what he is after several tries at telling him his actions had deeply hurt me and seeking to talk to him. The fact is: he doesn’t care. Not a lick. Mr. Perfect Christian, Mr. Holier than Thou, Mr. I Love Everyone could care less that he has caused me so much hurt and pain. He continues to post on social media about how much people love him and how much he loves everyone and frankly it just makes me sick because I know the truth while so so many others have completely bought into the façade. Keep showing yourself the truth and in time your feelings for him will change; your heart and your head will sync back up again.

  12. Hm… enjoy being friends with a narcissist????As far as I am informed, there isn’t such a thing as a friendship with a narcissist. You, as the empath, can only have enjoyed the construct, the illusion of a friendship, carefully crafted by the narcissist in pursuit of your fuel. And there is no question that you can continue to enjoy this illusion from time to time, since the narcissist will want to keep you as some sort of source. That’s what you are and what you ever will be: a source of fuel.
    No need to waste your time on writing letters on the topic of being friends with a narc….

    1. Absolute agreement. There is NO relationship with a Narc that will be positive. They are always on the take. Any contact with one will be for their benefit and at your expense. Even in the best of circumstances having a friendship after being intimate is challenging enough Karma but to pursue a friendship with a Narc it’s just opening yourself up for more mindfuckery and heartache. No contact is the only way to go

  13. Sadly, I think the last paragraph is all we need to know to confirm that the person is indeed a narcissist, no? There is so much self-doubt in this letter. Healthy friendships work both ways, and this is very clearly a one-way street, IMHO. The friendship itself has become a tool to manipulate the victim.

  14. This would be seen as a major criticism despite the olive branch of friendship. The uncertainty would be seized upon and instigate an IGH pulling out all the stops. Once sucessful comments behind the scenes will be made by the narc to back up devaluation and future disengagement as the narc secures embedding someone new to pick up the baton at the writer’s discard. ..Or
    Depending on how far devaluation may have already progressed then the uncertainty would instigate the application of the Golden Wedge.
    2 options and more in the toolkit…🙈

  15. No…i think its not right think like this.
    Not even friendship its posible with N.
    Sorry but you didnt relaise the truth.
    If you feel he can be N he is N
    Contact 0

  16. It is an honest, well meaning letter. But, dear MH, they cannot become true friends. A good friend is like a closed door behind your back. He/she protects you from the wind and the dangers. It is somebody you can trust, more than a lover. They cannot be trusted, no matter their role in your life.

  17. Dear Mr Tudor,
    MH’s letter is clinging to hope!
    You just cannot be friends… end of story!
    Gotta let go!
    😞

  18. Interesting letter, MH.

    I see a strength, awareness and… unrealistic expectations. The friendship with a Narc is impossible in principle after “intimate status” for many reasons and your awareness is one of them.

    You always would be questioning his words and deeds. Truth or lie? Sincere or not? You wouldn’t be able to relax with him. Always vigilant, always alert, always tense. Do you know who are we (people and animals) vigilant, alert and tense with? With enemy.

    “Safety and trust are so important”. Your own words. Leave him for good and enjoy your own life, MH.

  19. I might be wrong but I feel she is pleading to be hovered, played and hurt again. She is playing a game. Am I right HG?

  20. Once again, a confused woman, asking for forgiveness, without actually saying it. Asking to be a friend, knowing, it will lead to nowhere.

    I’d say, look into the eyes of the Narc, look deep, they always tell the truth.

    As smart and as alluring you narcs are. There are strong women who can get to you and fuck you up too.

    Now, don’t deceive us and say this is a lie…

    ~ G ~

  21. This one is very sad. If you’re having this level of doubt, then yes he is. He IS dangerous, you DO need to protect yourself and it’s NOT your fault. I understand where you’re coming from with your refusal to believe, but dear it’s very sad for all who witness this. I feel your pain and struggle, but in the end you have to accept reality. God be with you.

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