Blind or Stupid

 

blind-or-stupid

 

We love to triangulate. Three is the magic number. You, me and someone else or something else. Another victim? A competitor? A loyal lieutenant? A fresh prospect? An imaginary individual? A threatened event? An inanimate object? There are so many combinations of triangulation that are available to us and each has their own advantages and rewards for their application for us. In this equation there will always be us, there will always be you and then there will be third party. One of our effective manipulative triangulations involves the “normals”. These are people who are neither empathic or narcissistic but people who are generally decent, sensible and largely kind who may be supporters of yours, they may be members of our façade but whatever they are they are not you and they are not us. These are the people who you turn to when you can no longer stand what is happening to you. When you cannot understand what is going on. When the confusion becomes overwhelming. When you begin to sense something is not quite right. You turn to these normal in the hope of them helping you, understanding your plight and/or offering some insight. This is rarely achieved because you are met with responses which leave you wondering whether the person you have just spoken to is blind or stupid. Here are ten instances of this in action.

  1. I don’t believe it

Victim – “He is horrible to me, he never lets me do anything on my own anymore, he shouts and calls me awful names.”

Normal – “Really? I just can’t see Nigel behaving like that, he is always so lovely and friendly whenever I see him. I cannot believe he would do that.”

  1. Are You Bringing It On Yourself?

V – “I am sick of him controlling me. I try and assert myself, you know, lay down some boundaries, but he is always telling me to shut up and calm down and doing what he wants without any consideration for me.”

N – “Well you have always been feisty my dear, maybe you are provoking him and that’s why he is behaving that way. I don’t mean to be unkind but you do have a bit of temper you know.”

  1. Not This Again

V- “He has done it again. Disappeared. I have been ringing him on the hour every hour and he won’t answer. I don’t know what it is. I mean, everything seemed okay when we got up this morning, he smiled and asked me if I wanted a cup of tea (cue detailed analysis of every word and interaction thereafter)

N – Glazes over, thinks to themselves “Not this again. I am bored of hearing this. They will be talking again by tomorrow. She worries over nothing.”

  1. I Feel Sorry for Him

V – “So he did this, then that, then this again and he always does this you know. He is horrible, Horrible I tell you. I don’t know what to do. Oh he did this as well and some more of that.”

N – Thinks to themselves “I feel sorry for him putting up with someone so neurotic as her. No wonder he clears off for a few days, probably needs the peace and quiet.”

  1. Someone Is Exaggerating

 

V – “No word of a lie, he locked me in the bedroom and threatened to burn the house down with me inside and I heard him laughing as he said this to me. I am so scared of him. He keeps threatening to kill me. He rings me at work and comments about how my brakes are dodgy and laughs and puts the ‘phone down.”

N – Thinks to themselves “Sure he does, nobody goes on like that, I do like my friend but she is something of an attention seeker. Every other day there is one of these stories.”

  1. I Don’t Think So

V – “So he said that if I didn’t do it he would tell everybody in the church that I was sleeping with the vicar and he would post pictures of me on the internet.”

N – “Who Norman? No way, he is such a solid and respectable man. I don’t think he would ever do anything like that. No, I have known him years, he would never do anything like that.”

  1. He Did Say She Was Crazy

V – “He hides my purse so I cannot go out, he tells me what I can and cannot eat, he won’t allow me more than a minute in the shower and stands watching me while I wash. He follows me around the house and keeps staring at me, I can even feel him watching me when I manage to slip out for a while. I know he is following me.”

N- Thinks to themselves “It’s just as Neil predicted. He said she was losing her mind and coming out with all these fantastic stories. He is genuinely worried about her and I can see why now. Poor thing. Poor him too.”

  1. Ups and Downs

V – “He sometimes doesn’t speak to me for days on end. He just sits and sulks and ignores me. It is horrible. I hate it.”

N- “Oh that’s just men for you. They all do that at some point. It’s part of the ups and downs of being in a relationship, just ignore it and get on with your day, he will soon come round, you will see.”

  1. Don’t Involve Me

V- “Hi it’s me, can I come round to see you. I need to talk to someone. He is doing it again. He has spent the last two hours shouting at me and throwing plates around the kitchen. I am sick of this, I cannot cope.”

N – “I’d love to help but I er, have an appointment. Look I have to go; I will call you later” – I’m not getting drawn into their domestic dramas I have my own life to look after.

  1. I Haven’t a Clue

V- (After lengthy description of a catalogue of odd and strange behaviour) “So what do you think, what should I do? I cannot go on like this.”

N- “I don’t know what to say really, I can’t work out why he would be lovely with you one week and then awful the next, it does add up. Perhaps if you sat down together and tried to work things out.” (I haven’t a clue what is going on here.)

Not once does the “normal” turn to you and say,

“You are being abused by a disordered person.”

Or

“You have been ensnared by a narcissist.”

Instead when you describe the behaviour to a “normal” you are met with one or more of the responses detailed above. We know this will be the case. We know it will leave you hurt, bewildered and lacking the help and insight you so desperately need. Why do people respond like this?

  1. Lack of knowledge. Fortunately for our kind few people really know what we are and what we do.
  2. We don’t walk around with a sign around our neck stating “I am an abusive narcissist”. We blend in. People think the psychopaths and sociopaths appear like some crazed axe-murderer. We do not.
  3. People although kind are not empathic like you. Therefore, there is a limit to the time and resource they will apply to assisting you. People are inward looking and care more about their own lives than yours.
  4. The façade. Our charm and magnetism has people believing us to be wonderful and decent people. That façade is hard to shatter.
  5. Your coping abilities are eroded and you are worn out. This makes you appear unhinged, hysterical and thus in keeping with the image that we have spread around that you are The Crazy One.
  6. A Quiet Life. People do not like conflict. They want people to get on and do not want to become involved in other people’s problems.
  7. Behind Closed Doors. People always take the view that there are two sides to every story. They will listen to you but they will think there is likely to be some explanation which means it is not as bad as you are making it out to be. You are provoking the abuser, you are making it up, you are being too sensitive and taking things the wrong way. The “normal” thinks life may be different behind closed doors.
  8. People want other people to get on and therefore in order to try to preserve the peace they will suggest that the behaviour is not as bad as has been suggested and pressure the victim to go home and sort things out, unaware it is not something that can be sorted out by having a chat and a cup of tea.
  9. The tales of abuse and awful treatment seem far-fetched that the “normal” cannot believe them. They have no experience of it and combined with the existence of the façade just cannot see how someone could behave in this way.

All of this results in you trying to persuade people without success which becomes all the more frustrating and distressing for you. Naturally, we know fine well how people will respond to your protestations and the lack of understanding and knowledge about our kind allows us to blend in, move freely around and continue to behave in this manner with impunity. You are left wondering if the listener is blind or stupid. They are not stupid. But they are blinded to what we really are.

Just like you were as well.

15 thoughts on “Blind or Stupid

  1. Diva says:

    Although there was no doubt triangulation in some shape or form with all of the narcs with whom I had a relationship……..I never told anyone about any of it……not one tale…..until I escaped and even then it was the bare minimum of information and no where near the whole truth. My problems will always be my problems and I don’t broadcast them to anyone……it would appear after reading this article that it would have been pointless to do so in any event……..Diva

  2. Mrs Linton says:

    Thank you for this post HG.My relationship with my mother, before I went no contact would leave me regularly and deeply depressed. Not long after I had my son I knew that I had to cut her out which I did. I was told I was over reacting, my mother could be a huge source of help to me, and even (and this was the most galling) how could you do this to your poor mother? I was such a regular source of fuel to her she definitely suffered when I went no contact. My mother loves babies though they are just objects to her, and the wickedest thing I was seen to do to her was to keep her evil hands away from my boy. (I was depriving her of the pleasure you see) Short of supply she then transferred her provocations to the rest of the family, who then ironically bemoaned to me about how awful she became, In hindsight I could have enjoyed the irony of telling them she wasn’t really that bad, you’re imagining it, of course she loves you, she doesn’t mean it, it’s just the drink, It was an extremely satisfying and vindicating experience to see what happens when you starve them. Mid rangers just can’t help but reveal themselves.

  3. Sniglet says:

    Others triangulated me and I triangulate others in the past but I was not aware of the correct terminology at that time. One example is my parents, they triangulated me and my school performance with the best students in my class/school to create competition and tried to make me feel terrible, push/encourage me to be better than others. It touched on reverse phsychology in a way and it worked in my favour in the end. It is the only time I remember feeling jealous (how dare they put another child on a pedastal and not me). Mentally I had to work on how to combat that feeling and not feel it again. It worked because I do not remember feeling jealous after that incident. In fact it had a calming effect over me, no victim mentality and I still performed very well at school. By the way, I also purposefully tried triangulation on here and it worked on some individuals. Not sure if it was noticeable. HG, did you notice it? Those persons missed the point.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      I did see what you were doing.

  4. Jill Suarez says:

    He never ever one time in our relationship had my back ! So glad it’s finally past the let me try and fix him before I leave stage !!! Thank you for putting a name on this highly disturbing situation that I had dealt with on so many occasions I lost count !

  5. Suzie says:

    One night my ex narc got up in the middle of the night and was tearing around the house speaking in this deep, gutteral voice that I had never heard before, he started pounding on the washing machine screaming profanities. It was terrifying. It made me believe there could be such a thing as demonic possession. I ran out of the house and into my car and left. When I came back he was sleeping. The next morning he had no memory of it.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      The late eating of cheese can have profound effects.

    2. Steven says:

      I’ve heard that voice before too, never heard it once in 10 years and then out of the blue, yikes. The night I heard it I will never forget, it was truly weird/alarming/frightening. It continues to freak me out to this day. What the hell was that gutteral voice?

  6. Just Me says:

    If someone told me my own story, I would not believe it. Shit, I lived it and don’t believe it much of the time. That is why I don’t talk to anyone about it. That is why I am drawn here. There is a depth of understanding like no other. No long explanations necessary… everyone just “gets it.” No judgement and no one fitting me for a straight jacket.

  7. Suzie says:

    I wouldn’t say that I was blind to the red flags. I was just in denial because he was making me feel happy at first. But I will admit that in some ways I was ignorant about what he was doing or why. He was good at making excuses so I just went along. When I began seeing his horrible behavior I stupidly thought that I could just discuss it with him and he would realize what he was doing and stop. He played along saying he was sorry, etc. So I believed it. He did help do whatever needed to be done on my house, give good should rubs, great advice and perspective on many things. He honestly had his good points, just don’t make him angry and that went for anyone who crossed him. He was a walking volcano, an abuser,a narcissist. He was dangerous, but I was blind to the danger until recently. He was hateful. The look in his eye was as a crazed maniac.

  8. Suzie says:

    My ex narc is furious that I got away. He won’t stalk me any more due to the fact that I said if he does it one more time I will file a restraining order. He is no longer showing up where he knows that I go because I told him that I will seek a protective order if he harasses me in any way. I don’t go out with my old friends anymore, but he still talks about me to them I understand. He can no longer figure out a way to get to me and has lost all control of me. It makes him FURIOUS. I’m sure that he would hurt me if he could find a way to get away with it. Luckily I didn’t leave him for another man or that man would be in danger. I am living with a nice family that really has my back. So, it lessens the blow to some extent. He is also afraid that I might team up with his paralegal ex wife who drug him through the court system, and filed a restraining order. Hopefully, this will finally cause him to move on and find fuel somewhere else as this tank has run dry.

  9. cantevergoback says:

    So since I “caught” him with his whore, I of course have been receiving mass emails pledging his devotion to me how heartbroken he is etc…
    I am so glad I found this site because I never talked about the abuse when I was going through it really other than to tell my BFF some of the crazy stuff he did but I think I hid the outright abuse, mostly out of shame but also on some level I had resigned myself to be in it because I love him so much and I am a very loyal person. He compromised me in so many ways that I still am ashamed of but he crossed that final line 1) when he went after my son 2) I believed he was cheating with who I saw him with the other day; it didn’t hurt like I thought it would at first because I know now what he is I know who she is and no one to be jealous of but also I know he won’t love her either but I have to say a few days later while I sit here alone, broken and healing and now that he is hoovering me all while he is ensnaring her it does hurt, it’s only been two months and my emotions are still raw.
    Sorry for rambling but I rather write here than respond to his emails

    1. HG Tudor says:

      You are always welcome to do so.

  10. kimmichaud1 says:

    Yes to all of the above especially when they ask about how how he’s doing and I say he left me again and they ask why I invariably can’t give a reason cuz there never is one so they look at me like I’m a nutcase

  11. Windstorm2 says:

    Makes me glad I’ve never known many normals.

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