Back For More

BACK FORMORE.jpg

I make repeated mention of how we always come back for more. This of course is the brilliance of the hoover. Some people struggle to comprehend that we will always keep returning for more fuel, if the opportunity arises. Why would we not? We love fuel. We love your fuel (after all that was why you were chosen as the primary source) and even better we love the hoover fuel which you provide. The hoover serves many functions. First and foremost, it provides us with fuel. It is also a means of exerting control, seeing how the land lies for potential further machinations, a means of preventing you moving forward, a means of hindering your understanding, a method of reinforcing our superiority, dominance and omnipotence. It serves these functions and many more. Hoovers take place throughout the dance with our kind, but most possible associate them with the aftermath, the period following escape or more likely discard. When we look at the hoover in such a scenario, when we come back for more, we do so for one of the following three reasons: –

  1. To draw you back into the relationship again so that the whole narcissistic cycle can begin once more;
  2. To hurt you. We don’t want the formal relationship again but we want to remind you of how worthless you are and thus we aim to hurt you through this form of hoover;
  3. To draw some positive fuel (it may be a drop or it may be lashings of it) but we do not want the formal relationship to start again or indeed ever, but we know you provide delicious hoover fuel so we will keep coming back for more. We do not do enough to recommence the formal relationship but we certainly extract some fuel from you. It might be a text, it may be a telephone call or personal visit, but it is passing. It may only take a moment or an afternoon, but it is temporary and then having extracted the fuel we will withdraw again (only to appear at some later stage). The formal relationship does not begin again.

It is this third manoeuvre (which is a benign follow-up hoover) which often confuses people. You can understand hoovering to start the relationship again. You can understand lashing out at us and being nasty because hey, after all we are Grade A Bastards aren’t we? However, why make the effort to gain some fuel and then withdraw again? It may be because we have a reliable primary source in place but cannot resist a slurp of the hoover fuel. It may happen because circumstance makes it too good to resist. There are several factors but one of the chief factors is the role which you are allocated post escape/discard. The application of the benign follow-up hoover which does not seek the restoration of the formal relationship relies on you conforming to a particular role and the fuel which flows from it. There are many different roles which can be assigned to you at this point, but here are ten of them.

  1. The Wish You Well

Whenever we hoover you, you ask with your well-known decency how we are faring, you ask about our progress workwise, our health and about all other matters. You do so with that goodness of heart and nature for which you as an empathic person is famed and whilst there is no torrent of raging emotion, your kindness and compassion still fuel us. You may well have largely moved on from us, but you are unable to sever all ties. You know not to go back but you cannot help but always want to hear that we are doing good and that you can accordingly wish us well.

  1. The Optimist

This contact gives you hope that there might be a return to the golden period. You do not push it, since you know how this can cause us to react, but you are receptive to our advance, pleased, no delighted to hear from us and you engage with enthusiasm, trying to keep your pulsating heart under control. You see each time we “drop by” as the possibility that this time we sweep you in our arms and take you back once more. Each time you are disappointed but this does not dim your hope and optimism, perhaps next time will be the time?

  1. The Guilty

You feel bad that the relationship did not work out and you blame yourself as much (if not more) than us for its demise. Your status as a love devotee means that you still believe that love will conquer all and you spend your time apologising for what you did that was wrong and that which you did not do right. Of course we do nothing to cause you to think any different, enjoying your self-flagellation which always rises to the surface whenever we get in touch.

  1. The Navel Gazer

You are obsessed with understand who you are and regard your interaction as an integral part of that. You want our views and opinions on your introspection and use any contact from us as an opportunity to invite us to comment about you, no matter how brutal it might be. You believe that you are unable to establish who you truly are without understanding the nature of your relationship with us and each occasion that we reach out to your again provides you with an opportunity to engage for the purpose of finding these answers. Your reliance on us is both edifying and fuelling.

  1. The Healer

You will not let go of the notion that we can be fixed and any interaction between us results in you resuming the mantle of being that healer, putting our interests ahead of your own with the inevitable fuel which arises from your compassionate and kind-hearted behaviour.

  1. The Nymph

You hate us for what we did but the sex was oh so good and you cannot resist the lure of a late night text for some sexual interaction in the hope that it might lead to a tussle between the sheets again. You maintain that all you want is sexual gratification and adopting this stance is a form of payback for us, but your engaging with us through sexting and flirtation provides us with the hoover fuel that we want.

  1. The Tourniquet

You are not a tourniquet but you need one. You cannot work out what has happened and every engagement is a fuel-filled questioning session as to why did we do what we did, why did we hurt you, why did we say those things, why did we mess around and such like. The pain remains raw and the fuel that flows from it is too good to resist.

  1. The Old Reliable

You know you should ignore us but you cannot. Those messages we send are like a nagging itch and you need to scratch so badly. Of course we know this and we regard you as a reliable source of hoover fuel. All we need to do is send a message and you will respond in some form or another, you cannot help yourself.

  1. The Contender

You want back in and you are going to prove to us how damn fine you are and what an a-hole we are for letting you go in the first place. You will tell us just how good you will be for us, what you will do and how we will never get anybody better than you as you do your utmost to convince us that you should come back into our arms. Even if we rebuff you, you will not give up because your desire to be our intimate partner is huge and so with it is the fuel that you provide.

  1. The Burning Oil Well

Your flow of fuel just cannot be shut off. Red Adair would never be able to snuff out the flames and cap the oil well. You are angry, seething, furious at the way you have been treated and you hate us. You absolutely hate us. Each time we reach out to you, you seize the opportunity to vent your anger at us, insulting us, labelling us and going on like some crazed harpy. You think it will upset us but you don’t understand the nature of fuel and whilst we may argue back it is all done to keep this blazing fuel flowing.

Do you recognise yourself in there at all?

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36 thoughts on “Back For More”

  1. I’m continue to read and think about hoover, especially about my ex-husband’s and Patrinarc’s hoover. I couldn’t grasp why they are doing it.

    I’m indifferent and they both know it.
    I don’t care and the both know it.
    No way back and they both know it.
    I’m not about “hugs and kisses” (at least toward them lol) and they know it.
    I’m not about false praise, admiration and “ah oh cool!” behavior. If I like something, if I don’t like something, they both know it.

    Why on earth do they hoover me, Tudor? You said, it is because of fuel and I started to read and think about it on more deep level, to evoke my memories, to analyze everything.

    And do you know what I see? They don’t want any praise and admiration from me. They want a RECOGNITION. They both know about their “not noble behavior” toward me in the past, and, to be honest, I have all reasons to hate and ignore them for that. But I don’t.

    Answering to their calls, giving the recognition to them by doing it, I confirm that they are “not so bad” people, that they are worth to talk with, that they aren’t a “nobody”.

    Does the recognition equate for fuel? Is it a fuel or a power?

    Letting them to hoover me, do I legalize their further bad behavior toward other people? Would do they think “If she talks with us, that means she doesn’t consider us as an evil, that means we do nothing wrong and we are the good guys! So, we can continue our abusive life!”.

    Perhaps, if I had ignored them, I would have forced them to think about themselves, their lives and their abusive behavior in another way? More constructive? Less abusive? What do you think?

  2. Damn, I love this article, but I don’t recognize myself in there, really. At least not specifically. I cant resist engaging in the texts because she is always doing nice things for me. She is in marketing and is always sending me special invites to events. She will follow up by asking me why I am so cold to her, and dont engage at these events. I’m sure she will give up at some point but she knows I will respond to the emails and texts if there is a carrot….lol….. Old reliable maybe?

  3. I reported my ex narc to the police for domestic assult when he pushed me several times and pushed me up against the wall with his arm on my chest raging at me ‘What is wrong with You? ‘ – this happened because I threatened to tell his new girlfriend about me and the pregnancy. I freed myself crying and running in the other room and he followed as I told him he hurt me. But he said you made me from being so spiteful and nasty about her.
    This happened after we got back from the abortion clinic and I couldn’t go through with it. I cried a lot, said nothing then started telling him that he only came so I could get rid of it and he didn’t actually care, then I started insulting his girlfriend.
    I gave him one week to go to counselling which he didn’t so I called the police and made a statement. There was no arrest but I told him they would be arresting him. I told him to never talk to me again. He said to never contact him again. I got no remorse for his actions, regret, empath or compassion. No apology or care about he bruise on my leg or his violent behaviour . My serious question is will he Hoover?????? What is the likely hood??

    1. He will hoover subject to the Hoover Trigger being activated and the Hoover Execution Criteria being met. If you wish to understand the risk with reference to your own situation, I need more detail to provide you with an accurate analysis and the appropriate forum is through a consultation.

      1. I see! Or I can continue improving myself and stay a hot Goddess and kill him with kindness by ignoring him. He said if i seduced him or tried he would be pissed off. He is weak when it comes to that. And I did think about it by doing it and then walking away and leave him hanging . But I need to rise above the manipulation and revenge

      1. Hey K….he is back alright….and don’t we know it…..he has got an itch he needs scratching…..and you and I are getting the blame!!!! …….Diva

      2. Ok but I might just hover over that step this time around……..I don’t want the itching lurgy!!!!!……..Diva

      3. Diva
        He is back alright. And you are back on the naughty step again. No surprise there! Good luck hovering. K

  4. Great post! I had posted about my narc hoovering me via snapchat before. This helped to understand what it was about. probably to get me to contact them. I was usually the “old reliable”. Not any more. I am now the free bitch with no reaction 🙂 That is probably the best way to reply to a hoover, right?
    Hey I started reading your book. Great work! I had not thought how narcs are dangerous because they create a strong connection to us, so going no contact when they appear is super hard actually.

    Where can I read more about “flying monkets” or as you call them the malign butterflyes, crowds, and left tenants? My narc has been sending me a lot of people who I think are proxies. They are generally men who hit on me, they do weird things, and then try to make me feel like I am wrong. Would love to learn more about these proxies and best way to deal with them. I have been now ignoring them too. They do weird things and I block them. They protest etc, but I am ignoring them. That is the best scarecrow, right?

      1. thanks! I will check out those books. This is my other account btw.
        ha ha I always thought you said: “left tenant”
        Like if they were their inferior left hand or something ha ha…not sure what I was thinking.
        Hmmm it’s funny I see these “beings” ,the Lieutenants, as inferior. They are all (at least from my narc) very superficial. I think they need to be inferior to be manipulated to act like they do. I have a hard time calling them Lieutenants. But it might be better to call them that actuALLY. because my narc is using all his power, all his army to attack and kill me. I need to understand the danger. He is losing. Because I am educated. But he is giving it his all. It is very dangerous.

  5. Two years ago after the first discard it was number 7, the torniquet. The pain and frustration of not comprehending what was behind his sadistic machinations was soul-destroying. Now I understand. Knowledge is such a wonderful and powerful weapon. Thank you, HG, for providing an excellent toolkit. 😌

  6. Unfortunately,I recognize myself in two or three of these, in diffferent stages of the relationship. Never again.

  7. Oh yes. It is so familiar. It really helps to understand the mindset of the narcississt which is very different from an empath. Now I understand why he would just glare at me when I told him that I was a light soul. He knew he was a dark soul and it pissed him off that I was so enlightened and he was living in darkness. Thats why he said “well there is something wrong with your brain, its warped”. To him I was the warped one.

  8. I’m convinced my last hoover was because he was bored. For some unknown reason I popped into his head, he didn’t have anything better to do within that 5 minute period so he hoovered. Then all of the sudden something shiny appeared in his peripheral vision and he was gone. Just exactly what happens with two year olds except he is 67.

  9. I feel I might be hovered soon I got Facebook messages Friday night from one of his friends asking how I’m doing someone I never hear from well the only other time this guy messaged me was shortly before my first hoover after my first discard he was messaging then I got hovered so I suspect this might be the reason he’s messaging again

  10. HG, what is greatest number of hoovers you have tried on an ex? Over what period of time? I am guessing 3 times over 6 years?

  11. The Burning Oil Well. All those years of excuses for his behavior, forgiving without an apology, and giving him the benefit of the doubt… plausible deniability is a bitch. It is all bubbling up, burning me inside, and I want him to know it was never acceptable.

  12. Unfortunately I would say the Optimist. There seems to be no end to my addiction to pain. That’s why NC is the only way out for me.

  13. To hurt you. We don’t want the formal relationship again but we want to remind you of how worthless you are and thus we aim to hurt you through this form of hoover;

    The truth is not setting me free. In fact it’s suffocating me. Bricks in the wall maybe. Now I need a bolthole 2 breathe. Empaths, I am dying more now than ever as these layers uncover. It’s not “just” my NC nex. This is my life. I am outnumbered and out gunned I am afraid. I spin 360° in my life and have no family that are not narcs.

    Serious question: with no kids and no assets (no method by the also no strings) how DO I GOSO of this beyond crazy life? I first thought: eventually they will all die. But meanwhile? Or I could die. But how can I fake die, escape my own life and start new. Yes. Writing this out sounds crazy. Living it? IS CRAZY. Paralyzed, traumatized and terrified by all this truth. Where do I go. How. Etc.

    Already:

    out of narc
    counseling
    psychiatrist
    nobody gets it
    nobody TRULY gets it
    victim/martyr of my own life
    it sounds insane. bc it is insane.

    1. Tappan Zee
      Narcs surround me, too, and my family is loaded with them. No one IRL gets it and I feel like I live in the Tower of Babel. The only thing that has helped me is narcsite.com, reading the posts, the comments and the books. It is absolute insanity out there and the ONLY sanity is here. Stay here; don’t go anywhere. I agree; it is CRAZY. It takes a while but the truth will help you heal and move on. The people here TRULY get it and that is why I stay here.

  14. I guess I’m a “wish you well.” Although I may not enjoy hearing from them – depending on how obnoxious or needy they are – I do honestly wish them all well. And certainly I have very low, if any expectations. Often my only expectation is to be disappointed.

    Ha, ha! This reminds me of the family gathering I have to attend this evening! There’ll be at least 3-4 narcs there, 2-3 super empaths, 2 normals, me and 6 preschool children, all in a restaurant …..the possibilities for both disappointment and entertainment are endless! 😝

      1. M
        That depends. If you mean my blood family, they are very petty and spiteful. They rarely ever meet except at funerals and then only for close relatives. I rarely ever see any of them.

        The narcs in my exhusband’s family (which I have adopted as my own family) are all very friendly with each other. Family and family loyalty is very important to them all. They tease and poke fun at one another. They seem to all believe they are each superior to the others in many ways, but tolerate and value each other because they are family.

        If I or any other family member reached out to them for help, they would each one respond immediately, if possible. They also all of them have stepped in to help out the mothers and children of their brother/son/cousin narcs in many ways over the years. Helping the family young is a responsibility they all take very seriously. I think that’s one reason our children turn out so well. They dont depend on just their narc parent and hassled, worn out mother to guide them. Children have the support of the entire family.

  15. I was the goddamn Tourniquet and the Nymph.

    HG, I was a shelf IPSS and cut contact with him. I failed a couple of times but went back to NC (have not said anything to him for a couple of weeks now, not even hello). He has a new IPSS/she looks like a good IPPS candidate and he has not tried to hoover me at all. We work together and every time we meet, I don’t even look at him or talk to him. Still, no hoover.

    I understand that he is busy with his new shiny toy but do you think he will ever attempt to hoover me again? He is blocked everywhere but we could still meet at work (as we have often). I have a feeling that he won’t try to hoover me ever again bc of how brutally I am ignoring him now. He is a mid ranger elite narc!

    Thoughts???

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