Getting Away With It (And What To Do)



There are many things that we do (and do not do) which cause you to feel upset, angry, fearful and frustrated. One of those things that I regularly witness is the fact that we appear to always get away with it. We come up trumps. We emerge smelling of roses. We ride off into the sunset without seemingly a care about anything. You meanwhile are left to pick up the pieces, put your life back together and wonder what the hell has just happened. We seem to be able to get away with doling out reprehensible behaviour, often with no comeback or repercussion. We leave you in the dust and swan off with a new prospect, full of smiles and Facebook picture postings of us and our new appliance. We are still liked and lauded by our friends, even some of your friends may still want to have something to do with us. Our family are unfazed by what has gone on. Those that we work with listen to what has happened but do not alter in the way that they behave with us. We go on with our lives as if nothing has happened. You appear to be forgotten about. Certainly the way we have treated you is regarded as if it never ever happened. We always seem to be heading onwards and upwards. We always appear to be winning. We are getting away with it. Why is this?

  1. It is the way we have been created. We are not designed for musing on the past, ruminating on what has gone before and reflecting on the things that have happened. Old fuel is no good to us. We need to keep moving forward in order to locate and absorb our next fix of fuel. This programming results in us always moving forward and in so doing we do not cast a backwards glance.
  2. We are untroubled by remorse, guilt or conscience. We do not care and therefore unlike somebody normal who would show upset, embarrassment and sorrow at our such behaviour we do not. We are able to shrug it off and continue irrespective.
  3. We are never accountable. Everything is your fault. Having such a mind set makes it far easier for us to move on with what we need to do. Indeed, not only are we not burdened by the concept of having some form of culpability for what has happened, but we are helped by the notion that you brought it about, you were the traitor and therefore we are entirely justified in doing what we do. We have a right to move on and find someone else.
  4. We are entitled. Our huge sense of entitlement justifies to us that whatever we do is correct. This further adds to our sense of always being right and therefore that even if we felt remorse, we have no need to do so. It is a double whammy.
  5. Our charm and seduction means that it is easy for us to find somebody else who will fall for us. We rarely find ourselves cut adrift in a howling wilderness, devoid of emotional attention and lacking fuel. We ensure we have a replacement source of primary fuel lined up. We focus on this new person and channel all our effort to embedding them as our primary source of fuel.
  6. The façade. We create a façade from our family, friends and colleagues and this is very hard for you to shatter, especially in the state that you are when you have been discarded. This façade gives the impression that everybody accepts and agrees with us and not you.
  7. Deletion. Following your discard, we effectively forget about you unless you keep appearing in our spheres of influence. This ability to jettison you so dramatically enables us to keep moving forward. We to all intents and purposes forget about you.
  8. We are experts at fakery and conning. This means that we often manage to worm our way out of situations involving the authorities and law enforcement. We point the finger of blame at you instead, we appear calm and reasonable (contrasting with how you present yourselves as) and so few people know what we are and even fewer understand it, that we are able to wriggle away from such difficult situations with ease.
  9. We are brilliant at portraying that our life is marvellous. We are the masters at presentation, after all, did we not weave an incredible illusion that conned you when we first seduced you? We give the appearance of being incredibly happy with our new partner, that our life is going well, that we are loved and adored by so many. This positioning and projection of our apparent circumstances to the world creates the appearance that we continue to get away with it.
  10. There are rarely repercussions. Our victims are not in a position to do anything to achieve revenge over us. This is for several reasons. First of all, most of our victims have no idea what they have just encountered and therefore are unable to challenge something they do not know about or understand. Secondly, our victims find themselves exhausted and worn down, they just do not have the resources to fight back. Thirdly, as a consequence of the way we manipulate you, you are left still loving us and wanting us and therefore your thoughts are aimed at winning us back and not at securing some kind of retribution or revenge.

Thus the totality of these characteristics and situations combines to give the impression that we are always winning and thus that we are always getting away with it. But are we? How can you deal with this apparent state of affairs which only serves to upset you, frustrate you and anger you? Turning to each of the above points in turn.

  1. Understand this is the way that we are. There is nothing you can do about it and since this is the way we are; it is not your fault. We have to do this. You do not. Who is the winner now?
  2. The fact we have no conscience or sense of remorse is just how we are. Again you cannot affect that. Do not waste your time and energy appealing to something that is not there.
  3. We regard ourselves as unaccountable. That is our outlook. Does that mean that we are right about that? From your perspective we are not. You ought to content yourself with your perspective. Do not think that you can do anything to change our perspective. Leave us to it and maintain your own perspective and stand by it.
  4. Our sense of entitlement is based on our perspective once again. You do not have to accept that.
  5. The fact that we entrap someone else should come as no surprise to you. Remind yourself that the basis we ensnared you is exactly the basis on which they have been ensnared. We have not “won” the heart of that person fairly. We have done so through deceit. We have cheated in order to create the appearance of winning.
  6. Those who form the façade have been subjected to our charm and lies for a significant period of time, on the whole. You are unlikely to be able to change their views and certainly not if you appear frazzled and hysterical. Why do you need those people to know the truth? You do not. Perhaps in time you will be able to set it out for them and let them reach their own conclusion but if they remain ensconced in our illusion that is a matter for them and is not your concern. You got out.
  7. The deletion may feel harsh. Again it is our methodology and there is no need to trouble yourself with it. Instead, you ought to be focused on deleting us from your life.
  8. Bide your time, acquire the evidence and present it when the dust has settled. We took you by surprise when we seduced you, we came out of nowhere. If you have a desire to see us held to account by the powers that be, wait and present the best evidence you have in a rational fashion and leave the rest to the relevant authority. If it works, you can celebrate. If we wriggle out of responsibility do not be dismayed, just regard it as further confirmation of just how easy it is for people to be conned by our kind and be thankful you now know about it and you are moving on.
  9. You have finally understood that we dragged you into an illusion. All that we are doing is maintaining that illusion to the rest of the world. It is not your role to keep applying a pin to burst that illusion. Other people must work it out for themselves. Remember that what we are showing the world is just more of the illusion and you know now the truth.
  10. It is not your position to exact retribution at this stage. You must look to yourself and to your own defences. If revenge is to be applied, it must come later and in accordance with the methodology which works which I have set out elsewhere otherwise it will fail. You may draw greater satisfaction from progressing your own life, rather than dwelling on “getting even” because exhibiting your contentment without us, when we do eventually consider you and notice, irritates us considerably. Even worse is when you ignore us.

It is evident that we do move on without concerns and therefore give the appearance of always winning and always getting away with it.

The key for you to remember is this.

It is an appearance.

24 thoughts on “Getting Away With It (And What To Do)

  1. GaMeCHaNGeR says:

    To be honest the only time I ever showed my bitchy attitude was when he had been back for his refuel (I was playing along because I had needs &by no means ready to date) we’d been doing our thing but then he changed his profile picture on FB (no we aren’t friend’s, I look he knows it we might as well be- He looks at mine) anyway…. and there is the new chick. He had just been over that night.
    So I posted the last FB call/msgs to the page to show he left me &went fishing with her.

    I was 1st. EVERYONE knows me she’s known but not it wasn’t for being his GF. He did it so I’d see it. I am very well aware of the WHY… So I fired back

    Almost 2wks almost of the silent treatment, but then he needed something else from me.
    Wow. I’m was so very sad it was such a short silent treatment >insert sarcastic tone here<

    Blah. I swear I'm turning into him.

  2. Tappan Zee says:

    I keep re-reading this. It contains a life time of therapy not found in books, self help, or any other type of strategy. This one is priceless and (keeps) saving my life. The Fray.

  3. says:

    Definitely my favourite article of yours. Hmmm wow so many great ones it’s actually impossible to chose.

    and although you’ve taught us well HG it’s always good to see it in reality as well.

    My new N (whom nothing has intimate has happened with. Not for his want of trying), currently treating me to a golden period, desperate to break me. Well I thought I’d taken this as far as I could. So all of a sudden I blocked him from contacting me. I gave him no clue at all. As far as he was concerned he was starting not to ware me down and suceed in his quest.

    He only uses WhatsApp to message me as I’ve studied his use of it. He’s a much older generation.

    After I blocked him. He was going on there frantically every day for this past week. I unblocked him a few days ago (I have the perfect excuse, should I decide to renegade) and he is now only checking once in the morning and once at night. I’m guessing he does not want to be seen on WhatsApp but he can’t help himself but just check I haven’t blocked him again.

  4. Cathrine says:

    Great and useful article! I’m thinking a lot about the issue of unaccountability right now. It’s of course a hallmark of an abusive relationship when one of the persons involved always shifts blame and can never be held accountable for anything at all. My narcissist was a master at this. He projected everything on to me, whatever it was, any small stupid thing. He could be sick the night we had planned something special, like going out for dinner, and instead of just telling me he ran a fever and couldn’t make it, he showed up at my door sick and proceeded to accuse me in a very passive aggressive manner, not being accountable for his own anger of course, feeling my forehead all the while, that actually I was the one that was sick so we would just stay in and go to bed early and never mind the dinner. He understood, he forgave me. I never understood this behaviour though until recently because I didn’t care about the dinner, I cared about him, I was happy taking care of him and he knew that. And he was obviously and without doubt the one with the cold. But it was all about feeling powerful, reducing my power, not admitting to anything he ever caused, using the opportunity to confuse me and manipulate me instead, leaving me questioning my sanity.
    Now I just laugh at it. Pathetic if anything..

  5. C★ says:

    I can assure you, № 8 is being thoroughly implemented currently, and lawfully. I planned (this time) thinking logically. “Revenge” is being activated… HG taught me well, his books best investment ever. A suggestion, find an attorney that is experienced with Psychopath/NPD, when divorce comes along….

  6. blondie says:

    Thank you HG. good advice

  7. Jason says:

    It is a must to delete the toxic person from your life, it’s never easy but it is a must if you ever desire a real meaningful life.

  8. abrokenwing says:

    One of my favorite! So good to have you in our corner! 🥊

  9. Tiddlywink says:

    He is still getting away with it…his 2 long term gfs still adore him (they don’t know about each other). They have no idea what an narcissistic creep he is because he is so good at covering his lies.. and of course i cannot warn these women because he has blocked every avenue of me contacting them..mind you they are probably so brainwashed that they wouldn’t believe me anyway..meanwhile narc walks around with big smiles… so irritating…

  10. echo says:

    Thank you for this

    1. HG Tudor says:

      You are welcome.

  11. Recovering Narcoholic says:

    This is the aspect of the narc experience I’m still fighting to accept, a year after discard—that he could devastate my life and just waltz away into his new life with no remorse, no repercussions, no crack in the façade, no price to pay. As if I never existed. Fortunately I have HG and articles like this to remind me that it has nothing to do with me. What he did has nothing to do with what I am, but everything to do with what he is. The fault doesn’t lie with my inadequacy, but with his.

  12. Jenna says:

    He was exposed. At first he deflected, blame shifted, and tried to get away without any culpability. He even said that i had it planned frm the beginning (projection?). After about a month, he gave in and admitted he did wrong. He then went into depression. I felt sad he was depressed. I later helped him come out of his depression. He came out of his depression, only to fall back into it again. It makes me sad.

  13. Patricia J says:


  14. Anne says:

    Nice! True, but, if ya stay in their lives long enough, you see that angry sulking, that misery, that, them against the world. And, no matter what they seem to be when they are getti g fluffed, lol, that sir, is always there, and never fulfilled.

  15. Krista says:

    This seems empathetically written coming from a narcissist, much appreciated and extremely helpful

    1. HG Tudor says:

      It is purely for the furtherance of my empire, rest assured.

      1. Tappan Zee says:

        This scares me.
        All empires fall.
        Please don’t.

  16. Noname says:

    It is the one of the best articles on this blog, albeit it is pretty hard to choose really the best article, because they all are very good and have a significant value.

    What I consider as very valuable in this particular article is the ADVICE about “what to think, do and how to deal” with all that narcissistic mess, because it was given by Narcissist PERSONALLY. Not by your relative, friend, colleague, even professional, but by NARCISSIST. It is very convincing, validating, and therapeutically important. Bravissimo, Tudor.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Thank you.

  17. Scout says:

    Duly noted HG, thank you.

  18. Tappan Zee says:

    Saved tve best sentence for last.
    It is an appearance.
    Yes. Accept = like

    1. Tappan Zee says:

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