5 Common No Contact Mistakes – No 3 Talking About Us


“Fire and swords are slow engines of destruction compared to the tongue of a gossip.”

– Richard Steele

True words indeed.

Gossip is a sure fire way to destroy your imposition of no contact.

When you have implemented no contact you will have most likely have ensured that you stay out of our way. You may not have been able to move house but if you see us standing outside of your house, you call the police or if we approach your front door you do not open it. You block our numbers on your ‘phone and do not answer any number which you do not recognise. You use your voicemail to screen calls and if you hear our voice on the recording, you immediately delete it. You shut down your social media to keep us at bay and you may even leave social media altogether. You change routes so you do not pass where we work or frequent. You make the appropriate changes to ensure that we do not approach you in person or through technology. You may not be able to move house or job, but you put in place all other steps that you can to effect no contact. If we cannot engage with you then that is an effective no contact is it not?

To a large extent it is indeed, but one of the common mistakes that our victims make is to continue to talk about us to other people. It is an understandable mistake. You have just experienced the hellish rollercoaster of being entangled with us. Whether you know exactly what we are or not, you realised you had to get out and stay out and thus you have. Nevertheless, so much of what has happened still does not make sense to you. So often you still miss us, the brilliant warmth of the golden period now missing and the frozen wasteland it leaves behind is hard to endure. It is inevitable that you discuss this with other people; your friends, your family and your colleagues. After all, they have listened to you during the tortuous ensnarement. They were the ones who comforted you as you wept, as you seethed with frustration, as you bellowed with rage. They helped you follow us, gather intelligence on other people that we were interacting with and they played detective with you as you sought to work out what was really going on.

Barely a day went by without you espousing how wonderful we were.

Barely a day went by without you bemoaning how bewildering we were.

Those around you listened. They were involved and they were living your torment too.

Accordingly, it is little wonder that your friend, who cares about you, asks when they telephone you,

“Have you heard anything from him?”

It is not a surprise when your mother rings to make sure you are okay by asking,

“Is he troubling you still?”

It is expected that your colleague brings you a coffee and his first words are,

“Any word from you know who?”

However well-meaning these people are, their continued mention of us to you acts a form of ever presence. They are continuing your addiction to us. As they recount with you the things that happened, as you revisit for the twentieth time that strange night a month ago, as you recollect what went on between you with shakes of the head and open-mouthed disbelief they are spreading and reinforcing our ever presence. We remain with you as if we were standing in the room. Your emotions remain poisoned by the mention of our name and the memory of our behaviours.

In the same way as looking at an item which we gifted you maintains the ever presence, the continued discussion of us amounts to the same thing. We remain in your mind and heightening your emotions. Accordingly, this continues your susceptibility to being hoovered. You keep being reminded of us so you may want to have some more information on us, thus you look at our social media or even message us when that half bottle of pinot grigio starts to impact on your reasoning. Your no contact remains under threat by these repeated discussions about us and even if you do not crumble and reach out to us, the fact of you still thinking about us and remaining at risk of emotional thinking means that when the hoover comes (and it invariably will) you are at a greater risk of it working on you.

Talking about us is not a solitary risk however. It is not just the risk that you are reinforcing ever presence but you are also risking the provision of fuel and the drawing of our attention.

Be under no illusion that we will have at least one Lieutenant in your camp and of course several in our own. Should you meet one of our friends, you can be guaranteed that he or she will talk about us. They will mention how we are, what we have been doing, who we are with and they will take note of your reaction. They will also be asking about you. It may seem pleasant and polite as they ask where you are living these days or how work is doing, where you have been, do you go to Rico’s any longer and if not where do you go instead. What passes for a pleasant conversation with someone who you wish to remain on good terms with, even if they are perceived as being in ‘our camp’ is indeed an information gathering exercise.

This Lieutenant in our camp will report back to us. They, for the most part, will do so innocently enough, wanting to tell us that they have seen you and to update us on what you are doing as part and parcel of the normal discussion about someone that counts to social lubrication.

The Lieutenant in your camp is there as a spy. He or she is tasked with feeding back information about you on a regular basis. What are you saying about us? How are you feeling about us? Are you hurt still? Do you pine for us? Do you curse us or want us back? Your emotions as our name comes up are noted and then fed back to us and this will provide us with some fuel because we are being told how you have reacted to us.

Furthermore, the fact you are providing fuel and information which can be used, for instance where you now work or live, who you socialise with and where, even obtaining your new contact details, puts you at an increased risk of being hoovered and your no contact failing.

You talking about us to a Lieutenant or even a member of our coterie means this occurrence will reach us. Thus we may well gain fuel but most of all you have entered a sphere of influence and thus there is the activation of a Hoover Trigger. In terms of the Hoover Execution Criteria, the bar is being lowered. This is because you have provided fuel for us and like a shark scenting blood we know that there is more fuel to be had. You remain vulnerable to us. We have also gained knowledge of a way to contact you and thus the bar falls lower still. Your interaction with somebody who is a conduit for information and fuel means that you increase significantly the risk of a hoover being deployed against you. We are emboldened and bring our seductive powers to bear on you with a Benign Follow-Up Hoover and in your fragile state there is a risk that you will fold and thus the act of gossip has destroyed your no contact.

In the way that we delete you effectively when we have a new primary source, you ought to apply the same principle when you effect No Contact. Ban the use of our name. Explain to all of those around you that you do not want to hear about us in any way. Do not, however tempting, discuss us with people around you. You may think that you can trust those in your circle but we are often able to place ‘Our Man’ in among those you think are on your side and this fifth columnist will be working against you. If you say nothing about us, this deletion will be conveyed to us and this will irritate us and raise the hoover bar on the Hoover Execution Criteria.

Even if you have not been infiltrated, you ought not to mention us in order to diminish the effects of ever presence which are caused by repeated thoughts and discussion about us.

Banish us from your mind, from your words and from the gossip of others in order to avoid weakening your resistance and causing your no contact to fail.





20 thoughts on “5 Common No Contact Mistakes – No 3 Talking About Us”

  1. Narc knitter/lieutenant saw me at school (2nd sphere, eye line)
    she texted me (5th sphere) I texted back (I am an colossal idiot) and after school she reported my texts to my MMRN (3rd sphere).
    You are correct: talking about your narc is a form of ever presence and I have blocked the narc knitter and I am N/C with her now, as well.

    Narc traits coming to the fore: I would love to bash her fucking head in with a baseball bat.
    Violence, aggression, revenge, zero remorse, hatred, destroy. I think that covers it. This is the impact of growing up in family of lessers.

      1. Hey K….call me over sensitive but I was sensing rage on your first post!!!!!…..Diva

      2. Diva
        You really DO understand me, which means you really are an empath and I am glad my rage didn’t escape you. I figured I would vent my spleen here and I woke up feeling much better this morning. She is mad because I won’t knit with her anymore, so she is causing trouble. Narcs get quite testy when they can’t control their appliances. K

      3. K…..Yes I do understand you….we are alike in many ways but not in others……I am glad that you are feeling better after venting your spleen here…….I don’t know how to do that but it makes me smile when others do……..Diva

    1. My MMRN called me last night, that would be a hoover in the 4th sphere.

      “We are emboldened and bring our seductive powers to bear on you with a Benign Follow-Up Hoover and in your fragile state there is a risk that you will fold and thus the act of gossip has destroyed your no contact.”

      It was benign, however, I am not fragile. I answered because he has our daughter for visitation. It is a fuel fest and it is all because of texts between me and the narc knitter. It is time to work on banishing him.

  2. HG

    With you, atleast I came to know what exactly goes on in Narc mind. I am now aware of Narc tricks, but I sometimes, out of frustration, try to implement it but I can’t do that because of my empath nature. Like you can’t stop your narc behaviour, I can’t stop being empath. Although I am trying to be little concerned, I am meditating a lot these days which is very effective.

  3. And to be quite honest, I don’t think we are entirely out of their minds and deleted as much as we are led to believe. Yes, I understand that they very well are busy with working on getting desperately needed new supply and likely already involved with new supply… but … nope, still don’t think we are entirely out of the realm of their thinking. And don’t bother to tell me that I’m thinking dangerously… I know what I know.

    1. Lori—agreed. not that is a good thing. nor is it a bad thing. it is a thing. i believe we have ever presence too. 100% NC here. but still have an intuition that things are not as they seem. he had a postcard i sent him 20+ yrs ago he just magically produced. yes in some creepy vault some where to be sure with 9k other trinkets of former victims shuffling their way to top (and bottom.) i get: always danger. i have no illusion there. and new supply helps stomp out us. but. still.

      1. I stole the most valuable trinket back. A night before the night and day of “the end” … right off his finger while he slept. He’s never once mentioned it, and there was some crazy stuff posted all over social media. I KNOW he would have noticed. Was this a “wounding”? Do I need to fear repercussions?? He has an anger in him. One he can’t control. He scares me. You -all- scare me. I may act strong but I’m just a big chicken! Ha

  4. I don’t talk about my narcs to anyone apart from the readers on this blog…..I do remember them often……I can’t deny that……but I have trained my mind to only recall the bad, if my off switch is defunct. It’s not a difficult task……Diva

    1. Diva
      Mostly I just talk here, too, and I do think people need someone safe to vent to. It helps to get the anger and hurt out so you can move on. K

  5. Do not talk about it. Forget it. Never mention it. Well meant advice not only from narcs but also from empaths.

    I have to talk about it/ him until I am tired of it and it does not bother my brain/mind any more. I only have to take care to whom I talk about it.

    In my environment no one is interested to listen about the relationship anymore. Don`t worry. And if there is a spy he would only tell your kind that I have spent a nice holiday, that I bought this and that.

    That would make your kind envious and jealous and yes there could be then a hoover. Who am I in your kind`s eyes to be happy again?

    In the neighbourhood a few years ago there was another woman who was married to a narc. She told us the truth about him. We never asked her, if there is any contact to him. We tried to comfort her. We were not respectless to ask her about him or tell her about him or vice versa. And he does not know that we all know a lot about him. It was her decision to talk about him until she did not need it anymore. She is happily remarried now.

    To banish you from our mind without healing means that we become susceptible to the next narc or can never leave you behind and realise that your kind is a malice, unfortunate failure of nature.

    Why are there so many ,for example, Holocaust memorials? They are there not to forget the victims and the perpetrators. They are there to remind us, that there is evil in the world and we are responsible to avoid it in future.

    The more someone suppresses his thoughts and feelings the more they break through later. You should know that better.

  6. I just don’t believe banishing from the mind is possible. Banishing in every other way is but he will live in my mind forever and my mind is the most dangerous place on earth for me.

      1. I read Exorcism and 5 other books by HG. With each page my mind moves further and further away from him. It is possible to put him out of your mind. Even if he comes to mind, when you are armed with new knowledge, he does not loom so large and at times you will even laugh at how small he has become.

    1. 1-5. mine is slippping from memory. and the memories i carry, less sting. NOT that i am or will become complacent. just not the walking wounded so much any more. i could sweat new circuits are flipped on in my brain and others off. in a good way.

    2. 12345

      I took HG to mean banish them in the interim-until you get to zero impact. Once you have arrived there, your thoughts of him should be only as the catalyst for revealing to you how you really felt about yourself at the time and how you will not accept so little in future. That is when they can be considered a gift as opposed to the prize you thought they were in the golden period.

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