Poll – How Has Your No Contact Regime Been Breached?
No Contact is the ideal response to applying GOSO. Invariably harder to achieve and implement than people realise and often people breach it without thinking that they have done so.
Has your No Contact regime been breached and if so in what way or ways? Did the narcissist find a way to get a message to you or perhaps he or she telephoned you to speak to you? Did the narcissist’s Lieutenant contact you and talk about the narcissist? Maybe you gave in to temptation and contacted the narcissist yourself, maybe sending a message on social media or going to see the narcissist?
Perhaps you were unfortunate and just happened to bump into the narcissist somewhere or did you fall prey to the lure of emotional thinking and sit mired in nostalgia allowing all those memories to flow over you for some time.
Just happening to think about the narcissist does not count. That is inevitable and it not a true breach ; of course if you allowed that thought to linger, as in the nostalgia point above, that is a breach.
Or have you held firm – so far?
You can choose more than one answer before voting and as usual do expand on what happened in the comments.
Thank you for participating.
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Hmm. Depends on which narcissist. Narcissist the First, my ex husband, breaches the legally imposed no contact in every way he can as often as he can. We share children. Most recently, he was stalking my dating profile (now deleted, as I’m a sitting duck for narcissists, apparently).
Narcissist the Second, the married one, I’m only starting to implement no contact with… as ridiculous as it sounds for me to implement no contact with a construct that’s been physically absent for 8 months. Thoughts breach no contact daily, but still less than they did before I figured him out.
I’ve found that no contact doesn’t work for me, it simply makes the narc more persistent and puts me in a constant worry of “what next”. After a brief chat of me explaining that it’s over and he’s free to check-in whenever, he will typically text me something funny like a picture and I’ll respond very casually with “lol” or something of a glib nature, usually hours or days later. If he tries to make conversation or calls I will ignore him. I find minimal access more rewarding since I can sense his frustration and now I’m just waiting until he finds a new Primary.
No contact does not work for you because you are not implementing no contact Catherine. How can it be no contact if he can talk to you and text you?
Although my heart is heavy and I cried my eyes out, I couldn’t stand the cold, manipulative behaviour anymore. I decided to try No Contact as HG suggested. I emailed him one last time (not advised, I know), but all the hurt made me angry and I have to get angry to act. After 2 months of his not liking anything on FB (but making sure he liked the sexy photos of mutual friends), of stopping his customary “babe” at the end of emails, of him not seeming to want the “benefits” part of our friendship, I emailed him. I informed him that I deserved better treatment and if he had want me gone, all he had to do was ask. He once made me feel beautiful, but with the game playing he had reduced my self-esteem to zero. I know he will email back calling me crazy and having no idea what prompted my behaviour. (although he knows full well that his tactics would push me over the edge) This IPSS is through being shelved, to be taken down, dusted off, and played with when he feels like it. I know there is emptiness and more crying to come…as he will unfriend me on FB. I just can’t do this anymore. Thank you so much for the support and direction, HG.
You are welcome.
“of stopping his customary “babe” at the end of emails”
Seriously, do they all have the same manual?? The guy I was involved with stopped calling me by my pet name too and acted like it was nothing out of the ordinary, just ignored and/or deflected any conversation I tried to initiate regarding the reasons why. It was an absoutely brilliant tactic, it gave me endless moments of anxiety, sadness, and of course I provided lots of fuel – desperation, pleading, loving some more, stomping my feet (metaphorically), etc.
What I think a lot of us do wrong is not allow ourselves to grieve fully for fear it would consume us and not allow ourselves to accept the truth fully because it would erase our very identity – and it does, in a way.
The truth is that while as children we should have received the sense that we matter and are cared for just because we exist, as adults that is no longer the case and it’s not normal or natural. Thus someone recognising our ‘inherent qualities’ and loving us because of them right off the bat is NOT normal or healthy. As adults, we are supposed to have internalised this kind of love given to us by our parents and learned to love and accept ourselves in that manner – and not seek it in someone outside us.
I would venture to add that only greater narcissists can successfully target emotionally and mentally healthy individuals (IPPSs), and it’s likely not an easy task, requiring a lot of subtlety.
I may breach NC in the future, if he comes hoovering and I feel it would be to my benefit. I don’t fear a rebound, it is impossible now that I know who he is and now that I’ve experienced the perfect love and seen it for what it is. If he’s pleasant, I’ll be pleasant back and all is well. If he makes the mistake of being anything less than pleasant, well… let’s just say that I now know how to send him running – thank you HG.
As it is, I find that the next logical step is to leave this site and stop devoting any more time and energy to this matter. Wishing everyone all the best.
Morning Sun
Good luck. We’ll still be here if you need us.
Well, here I am again. 🙂 I’ve been slowly processing the whole experience and while I’m over the narc, my wound derives from my (probably) narcissistic mother. I may stick around while I try to figure her out. She seems like a LMR or ULR – very impulsive, but rarely physically aggressive, huge amounts of passive aggression, very ‘visceral’ behaviour… she’s cunning, but not highly intelligent – she kinda gets it right by instinct rather than intent. I also think she often feels intimidated by me, which is when she resorts to nasty .
I’m not really sure whether she’s really a narcissist or just has strong narcissistic traits, but I will be exploring the possibility and see where it leads me.
BTW, the narc has come around hoovering. I gave him instructions on how to contact me to set up a meeting. Oh the dilemma, does he be a good boy and get me to meet for a drink (maybe) or does he preserve his pride and go without the drink and opportunity to hoover me some more? Ah, the power of not giving a fuck… now how to translate that into the mother-daughter relationship?