The Fading Narcissist


Everybody who is part of our Fuel Matrix plays a part in maintaining our existence. Our construct, that which imprisons the creature and that which we want the world to see, must be maintained in order to preserve our existence. If not, we begin to fade away as the construct crumbles and collapses. The maintenance of this construct is entirely reliant on the provision of fuel and you play an integral part in that. How do the various types of appliance mesh together then in order to prevent us from fading away? 

I have explained how we draw fuel from primary, secondary and tertiary sources. These sources vary in potency and are affected of course by the method of delivery of the fuel. The primary source remains our most important source of fuel since it is this person, usually the intimate partner, who we are with more than anybody else but also who has the greatest emotional reaction to what we say and do. Therefore, this person provides us with the most fuel and of the most potent kind. They are also someone who satisfies the  The Prime Aims (which includes fuel) more than anyone else. The primary source is naturally the most important fuel provider which is why we seduce this person with such dedication, unleash such a terrible devaluation and keep on hoovering following escape or dis-engagement. We make such an investment in you as the primary source that we regard it as our right to keep drawing fuel from you, whether that is positive or negative, whether it is now, next week or in ten years’ time. You belong to us, in our minds.

The secondary sources are those which contribute good fuel and are invariably those who are part of our façade. Our lieutenants and the coterie are drawn from the secondary sources – friends, family and colleagues – who we interact with frequently but not to the same extent as we do with the primary source. Nor do the secondary sources give out the same heightened fuel as the primary source. The secondary sources serve an excellent function as part of the façade and the maintenance of this façade is important, therefore we prefer to keep the same people in at and keep adding to it. Secondary sources invariably enjoy lengthy golden periods with us. This is because our call on them is intermittent and therefore we are far less likely to regard their fuel as stale. Moreover, we can have many secondary sources but we only ever have one primary source. Thus if a certain secondary source is perhaps not admiring us as much (but they are not criticising us and are still providing some fuel) it does not merit a devaluation. They remain loyal, they remain part of the façade and we will just switch to another secondary source to increase the fuel. There is no need to devalue or ditch the initial secondary source. Thus you may see our kind have a friend who is “flavour of the month” because their fuel is better than other secondary sources and then the fuel dips in quality but it is not a concern as we can add another secondary source or switch to another who perhaps we have not seen for a couple of months. This is advantageous as it means our energy can be saved for devaluing the primary source whilst keeping a range of functioning secondary sources on hand and the façade intact.

The secondary sources very rarely stop providing fuel. They have no need to. A primary source may do so owing to the descent into ill health caused by the devaluation or learning how to tackle our kind as a response to the abuse. The secondary source, nearly always treated to an elongated  golden period, has no need to adopt a stance of not providing fuel.

A secondary source may however criticise us and if that is the case they may be subjected to devaluation but usually they are excluded from the coterie and replaced easily enough. They will be smeared and made to feel like an outsider, with the narcissist using the façade and other secondary sources to achieve this aim. We like to create our cliques and if anybody threatens our supremacy or delivers a criticism who is a secondary source they will be ejected from the group.

The occasion for devaluation of the secondary source is rare. It only happens in two instances. Firstly, the source has criticised the narcissist (this criticism might come through something said to the narcissist or something done, for example through exposing the narcissist’s behaviour to others)  and thus fury is ignited and the narcissist decides this person must be made an example of, before being discarded, in order to show the rest of the coterie who is in charge.

Secondly, in an even rarer instance it may happen when the narcissist has no primary source. If there is an absence of the primary source for a period of time, say a number of weeks, the narcissist’s fuel levels will have been tested. He will have sought to seduce and embed a new replacement primary source and most times the narcissist in such a situation is able to do so with success. However, let us assume this has not happened. The narcissist turns to his secondary and tertiary sources (more on tertiary in a moment) and relies more than usual on them to provide him with fuel during the absence of the primary source. At first there is no problem, the secondary sources provide positive fuel which is sustaining the narcissist, but if he has only a few secondary sources, then it will not be long before his fuel demands outstrip the positive fuel they can give. The lesser quality of their fuel (compared to the primary source) is being exposed by the absence of the primary source. It is also because greater demand is being placed on them.

Ultimately, the primary source will always go further for the narcissist than anybody else and they are also far more proximate. No matter how seductive. if the secondary source has to deal with his own family, his work and so on, he may not be available to provide fuel. If this keeps happening, combined with the increased demand and the lack of a primary source the strain on positive secondary sources will start to tell. This means the narcissist will either have to add new secondary sources and/or devalue the secondary sources to shift to negative fuel so he is sustained. This will work for a period of time with the confused inner circle friend who is a secondary source trying to work out why their supposed best friend is ignoring them and then trying to patch up the relationship. A secondary source however will not sustain devaluation as long as a primary source and may even infect other secondary sources by pointing out how they are being treated. The narcissist is already suffering reduced fuel levels and the supremacy of his façade is being challenged. This increases the demands on him.

The tertiary sources provide the least fuel and generally they are also treated to lengthy golden periods – for example the lady who works in the petrol station or the postman – since they are only extracted from on an intermittent basis. Tertiary sources can also be used straight away for negative fuel, for example, upbraiding a waiter or shouting down a shop assistant. We do not regard them as necessary to the maintenance of the façade, their negative fuel provides a useful boost and such high-handed behaviour may impress a primary (or secondary source) and draw positive fuel from them where appropriate.

If there is no primary source for a period of time, the reliance on tertiary sources increases. There will be increased activity to use technology to draw these people to the narcissist – such as on dating sites, chat rooms or through social media, but if the reliance is frequent and sustained the quality of the fuel will diminish quickly and those who have been attached to the narcissist in this way will be discarded and replaced with new remote tertiary sources promptly. There will be a high turnover. At the same time, the narcissist is likely to lash out at physically proximate sources more and more as the fuel level dips. This happens for two reasons. Firstly, he needs the fuel more than ever from tertiary sources and negative fuel is better than positive. Secondly, he will be furious at being placed in this position (through having no primary source but he has not got one to lash out at) so tertiary sources bear the brunt of this rage.

A narcissist without a primary source will eventually alienate secondary sources and in certain environments – say a small town – will struggle to replace them as people become wise to what he is. He may lack the energy to keep up the turnover of remote tertiary sources and spends his time lashing out at those which are physically proximate. At this point the narcissist faces losing the façade (since so many people know about his behaviour) in order to keep drawing fuel. It is now that he has three choices: –

  1. Secure a new primary source immediately;
  2. Move his environment so he can seek out fresh secondary sources and tertiary sources and rebuild his façade; or
  3. Sink into depression and inactivity as his fuel levels plummet.

The narcissist becomes a fading star. Once brilliant, magnificent and illuminating, his loss of the primary source and inability to find another means that the alluring shine is fading as a black hole awaits. He begins to fade as he enters a fuel crisis. Thus you can see just how paramount the primary source is to the existence of our kind and why we make such an effort to secure them, replace them and hoover them back again.

Listen to ‘The Fading Narcissist’

25 thoughts on “The Fading Narcissist

  1. Nichola says:

    I hate to say it but you’re so right HG. He has done two benign hoovers in one week…..1. He walked into my local pub with only me and the landlord and landlady there, when I turn round he’s like “Oh I didn’t see/recognise you there”… which I replied…”We were only together for 7 years!” That hoover was short and ineffective so… Yesterday he posted a brand new pair of earrings through my letter box,Which were clearly for me from him…..They are actually nice earrings I would go as far as to say they were a well thought out present, which is unusual, generally he doesn’t do gifts….. He also apologised for the fact that they aren’t the same as the one I lost .. I had lost one of a pair a few weeks previously at a club, and despite not being his friend on Facebook, (after I had put a post on saying I had lost one earring) he messaged me saying he had looked for the missing earring. As soon as I heard the letter box noise, I immediately went to the door, (which is 10 feet away) by which time he was off down the road in his car. … He had posted them in a second hand envelope with my name on in his writing, and a single kiss. On the front of the envelope his name and address in black ink (scribbled over in purple pen, but still legible)…. When I text him to thank him for the kind gesture and asking him why he didn’t knock on the door…His reply was that he didn’t want me to know they were from him!! I wonder what his motives were? Aside from gaining fuel from me, guessing why he hadn’t popped in for a proper hoover (and making me feel a vague tinge of guilt for tainting him as a narcissist)? He has succeeded in making me wonder what it was all about , so I expect he’s gained thought fuel, and figures that my attitude to him will soften…….I wonder what his next move will be? What say you HG?

    1. HG Tudor says:

      These were proper hoovers.

      Never mind what his next move will be, yours should be to block his number and delete him from your ‘phone, why were you texting him?

  2. SuperXena says:


    Do you mean:

    1. That the narcissist does not really have a true self ? That is to say that he/she is just a reflection of those he entangles with?

    2. Or that the only true self of the narcissist is the “dark side”( the Creature) who she/he tries desperately to control by extracting emotional reactions( fuel) building up the construct(facade)?

    1. HG Tudor says:

      This will be answered in the book, The Creature.

      1. SuperXena says:

        Interesting. I will wait then for the release of the book Creature.

      2. Nichola says:

        When will this be released please

        1. HG Tudor says:

          There is no scheduled release date at present, it is still being written.

  3. Nichola says:

    Thanks HG. I admire your honesty and “matter of fact ” approach. I bought “Escape” (It helped me immensely and now I am free. I don’t think he’ll be back for a hoover. He knows, I know what he is now, and it’s too much effort to mess with me and get no fuel in return.) What intrigues me about you HG is…. why you feel the need to help people escape your kind by sharing all that you do?Surely to some degree it pays to keep “us” ignorant so your kind can carry on exploiting everyone? Is it pure philanthropy? Or maybe recompense for your past behaviour….I am appalled by your kind and fascinated at the same time, (That is because I recognise that as an super empath I have also one or two narcissitic tendencies. but could never allow myself to be that wounded that I became one of your kind)

    1. HG Tudor says:

      1. You are welcome. I am pleased Escape assisted you. Perhaps you might leave a review on Amazon?
      2. Do not be complacent about hearing from him.
      3. It is neither philanthropy or recompense. I enjoy writing, I enjoy the intellectual interaction with my readers (the vast majority of which are sensible, constructive, interesting and wish to learn). I want to provide the real information about my kind, rather than see the erroneous and misleading information which is spewed out about us by other commentators and it also accords with my sense of omnipotence to be weaponising empaths around the globe.

      1. Nichola says:

        I did HG….. I left my review as soon as I read the book.
        It’s fantastic and I recommended it highly. Funnily I heard form his mum, but not him yet……I thoroughly enjoy reading your articles (in fact I look forward to them) I have learnt a great deal from youand would like to thank you. I applaud your reasons for arming “us”. (I giggled when I read the last part of the last sentence). I concur that you have every right to feel omnipotent for the reason you have stated. I take my hat off to you. Keep up the good work

        1. HG Tudor says:

          Thank you.

  4. kara says:

    We have been dating two years. I went to university in August of this year. Before I left we hung out all the time but never lived together. We texted each other all day long every day while I was away at school. I don’t think we ever went more than two hours in a row without texting. I see him every weekend he wants to see me from the minute I get done with my last class until late Sunday night.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      You are probably the IPPS. There is a risk however that you may be a shelf IPSS because he sees you every weekend (so he could see someone else in the week). I do think however the regularity of the texting means you are more likely to be the IPPS.

  5. kara says:

    Hg – If me and my ex were publicly dating but long distance during the weekdays because I am away at university does that make me secondary or primary?

    1. HG Tudor says:

      How long have you been together? What was the relationship like before you went to university? Do you engage with one another every day even if you do not see one another? Do you see one another every weekend?

  6. Nichola Gange says:

    what happens when the narcissist has faded?

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Break down.

      1. Nichola says:

        What does breakdown look like? Can he get over it? Will he revert back to cause? Can breakdown ever cause him to take a look at himself and aim to be a better person?

        1. HG Tudor says:

          The breakdown may manifest as depression, withdrawal, isolation, self-neglect, reliance on drink or drugs, possibly even psychotic episodes.
          Recovery will occur through the provision of appropriate fuel.

      2. Nuit Étoilée says:

        Great questions, Nichola.

        Thank you, HG for these answers. I think this is what I witnessed w my narc.. explains a lot – why I believed the depression.. perhaps he was worried his IPPS was leaving..

        Do any of your IPPSs or IPSSs ever tell you you’re secretive or that they don’t really feel they know you?

        1. HG Tudor says:

          Some do, yes but that is entirely understandable because of not what only the way I am but what I do professionally, so they are correct.

      3. Nuit Étoilée says:

        Thank you, HG..

        Does this relate to our other conversation about benefits?

        I feel like you’re trying to tell me something.. and I am sincerely sorry I keep missing it..

        Damn! So frustrating for me.. the truth-seeker.. wanting to understand!

        You can have all the fuel you want – just tell me! (..see what not to do for silent treatment.. haha..)

  7. Ugotit says:

    Hmmm he claims he went two years before me without a girlfriend

    1. HG Tudor says:


  8. Windstorm2 says:

    In my opinion any narcissist who can not replace his primary source with something lasting and effective was only “Brilliant, magnificent and illuminating” in his own mind – never in reality.

    After all, it was not cruel fate, like a massive fire, terminal or crippling illness that cost him his primary source and kept him from successfully implanting another. It was his own mismanagement and stupidity in not realizing her limits and providing the appropriate incentives to keep enough people pumping out positive fuel.

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