Poll – How Did The Narcissist Disengage From You?
Disengagement. Incorrectly referred to as a discard. How did the narcissist disengage from you? Did he or she tell you to your face, drinking in the fuel from your tears or your anger at being treated this way? Did the narcissist not say anything to you at all and it was only when you found your calls not answered, your social media blocked and your e-mails bounced back that you realised what had happened? Perhaps somebody else was sent to be the messenger, conveying some explanation as to why it was over? Maybe the narcissist was there and then he or she was not, vanishing into the ether as though they never existed? Perhaps you are unsure as to whether there has been a disengagement and you are really experiencing a silent treatment or you are on the shelf, or maybe you are still in the grip of the narcissist and therefore disengagement has not yet happened?
Whatever the answer may be and whatever options are applicable (you may choose as many as are applicable before voting) do expand in the comments on the circumstances which arose and how it impacted on you.
Thank you for participating.
85 thoughts on “Poll – How Did The Narcissist Disengage From You?”
The narcissist made up a huge row by text over absolutely nothing and then told me to block him which I did
I stopped responding to his texts – telling me he loved me despite the fact that he was involved with another woman – for three days. Keep in mind he would frequently ignore my texts to him for much longer with no explanation. The third night of ignoring him, he texted me in the middle of the night with an ultimatum: respond to him “within10 minutes” or he would block my phone number and block me on Facebook. I obviously did not respond. I dated this man long-distance for five years!!!
Logic won Feb. 2014
Emotion (rage) would not let go till august 2014, then fuel stopped
2015 the mask came off (scary shit)
He disengaged one week before Mother’s Day 2016
I told my MMRN that I needed help taking care of our 6-year-old and he told me he was all done with me, packed his bags and left. Benign FUHs all summer then No/low contact Sept. thru Nov. 2016.
He came home from work, told me he was unhappy. Left the house taking no possessions. Spent following day texting. “I’m trying to remember what it is about you that makes me happy.” Met me 24 hrs later to say he’d been having an affair for 5 months but only slept with her once! I was devastated. No clue it was coming. 22 years I spent with him. 2 young children waiting for me to bring their dad back. Eight hrs later he barely sees the girls. I have no contact. And he’s on to woman number 4 at least.
None of the above…. he stopped medical treatment and died after numerous threats of sucicide after the strangulation and restraining order. Then to my horror the recovery forum l was on turned nasty stating how ungrateful l was to be free and to shut up. No closure to an extreme degree one might say.
He agreed to go to marriage counselling, then turned up and announce that he was actually there for “separation” counselling.
Another answer, I receive a message from the new ( maybe was he) telling me that he is with her, then I left him. Telling him by phone , he try to hoovering me but I never be again with he. I’m freeeeeeeeee!
In chronological order:
My victim lesser: I dumped him, 2 months after meeting him, during the seduction/bronze period -not yet intimate- because I could not stand his clingy whining (which makes me question my empathy, to be honest. I have a low tolerance for people who act helpless when they aren’t). He said he had terminal cancer, which I did not believe, and he would call constantly to try and hoover, around 20 times a day, but eventually stopped as I refused to answer. I had no idea he was a lesser narc and thought him to be just a sniveling wimp, but after leaving him I discovered he has beaten up his previous girl so badly she had to be hospitalised.
My élite greater: he called me, furious, and said we had to see less of each other, after 2 years as his IPPS. We gradually stopped talking on the phone and seeing each other. Then a few months later he tried to reinstate me as the IPPS, perhaps my replacement did not compare well. I wasn’t convinced and tried to stay “just friends”- Massive love bombing and hoovers ensued in full force for a few weeks until I told him I wanted to stop contact due to a new relationship (with my somatic).
He hung up without a word and completely disappeared. I suspect it was because of a double wounding (1. turning HIM down, during his attempts to reinstate a golden period, no less! 2. ending up with someone who was taller and much, much more attractive than him.)
My somatic mid: 7 months in I left him after my (correct) suspicions of infidelity. We “tried” to be friends but as I continued to turn down his sexual advances we gradually stopped seeing each other and remained just Facebook friends, until I stopped contact due to incredibly racist and homophobic comments of his.
Don’t doubt your empathy. I can see it shining out from your words. Empathy is for pain and upset emotions. To not have empathy with someone who is pretending to be hurt just shows that you are not easily tricked. I think disgust is a natural feeling for narc pity plays. Disgust that they are trying to take advantage of caring people by deception. Empathy is for the people they fool. Sometimes I feel some pity that they are so clueless and go thru life miserable, but never for what they are pretending.
Told me we were moving to a little town where we would rent an apartment while we built our own house (why he needed every bit of my paycheck and I was on a $50 weekly allowance while making $63,000 a year). Then he sold our home, got rid of my pets, had me quit my good secure job (I was retiring at 50 with him), had me pack up our 3/2 house by myself and put everything in storage other than a duffle of clothes and toiletries, had me “make ready” the house – all while he packed up his home office and played on his computer all day. When the house sold he drove me to a lawyer’s office where the divorce paperwork was already waiting for me. He stood there menacingly and demanded that I sign away eleven years for $4000 total. He tried to keep all of the money, but his lawyer made him give me $15,000 (daughter’s life insurance- not community property). When I became tearful and in shock he called my 20-year-old on a school exam night at college 200 mikes away and demanded that she come get me because he couldn’t “handle” me. She did and when she slapped him across the face for what he had done he tried to have her arrested for “elder abuse.”
I was severely traumatized and in a dissociative fugue state, calling and e-mailing trying to get answers as to why. After two weeks he said I could come live in his new place and we’d “reconcile.” I fell for it and he liquidated my 401k and had me put the $15,000 in our checking account. When I told him the 401k was my retirement fund he said “Don’t worry I’ll take care of you; don’t I always?”
Over the course of the next ten months he systematically moved money all around and feathered his nest quite nicely, buying a new truck, etc. I had immediately gotten a new job and was bringing in money hand over fist due to so much overtime – “trust me. I’ll manage our money.”
After nine months I came home from work to newly filed divorce papers and an empty bank account. He claimed we went through over $90,000 in nine months in a 1-bedroom apartment with no bills! He was able to fool his lawyer, the judge, and even MY lawyer into believing there was no money. Then he started the smear campaign. I was “bitter” and “crazy.” He even called my prior place of work to smear me to prior coworkers and friends! He was fine with me being homeless. Thankfully I had three credit cards that he had forbidden me to get and I was able to get a little apartment and everything top to bottom as he kept every stick of furniture and every other household item. I got most of my clothes and my pillow!
He was already dating and trying to secure his new supply the same week he filed for divorce both times!
Rot Richard Lamb- you lying narcissistic psychopath. You got all the money and everything else, but I got my life back and my children back! You’ll die a lonely old man with no family or friends, but I won’t know. Karma is going to be rough.
By the way, the PI that I hired found out I wasn’t the fifth wife (which was bad enough), but the NINTH wife!! He’s done this all his life.
Sorry to hear about this happening to you.
Mine didn’t do the disappearing and divorce route though.
He used the future faking of saving for a comfortable retirement.I had no idea of all the women he had been generous to over the years (house, new cars, and supporting his bastard child in style) He was wasteful in other ways himself, and when he found out he was dying, he gave away every penny and left me in debt, while telling me we still had a small retirement savings.
At least mine is dead now.
I think it was worth every penny to be completely free of him.
I’m just still bummed that I couldn’t pay the price sooner. I can’t get back 38 years.
sorry to hear about what you went through Dorothy
I am speechless and feel so much anger and sadness. Its stories like yours and many others that make me stronger and realize we have purpose. We find purpose in our pain by exposing these people.
I hope you are doing much better. We don’t know or realize what they are capable of doing. Keep reading and learning. This is the place to get all the information you need to empower yourself.
I think about it like the old testament. there wasn’t a whole kum-ba-ya back then. It tells of all the evil and we think whats going on now is new. No not true. The evil we see now pales in comparison.
Blessings and Healing
I woke up to being blocked on everything, and all the docs and ends carefully removed.
And last message: “I can’t see my role in ruining your family. Write to me no more, you know why. Good luck to you.”
(He knew I’m a married target from the very beginning!)
The day before he collided with my husband on the matter of our relations (by my husband’s initiative). Charmed him (!). They logically decided who takes me, behind my back (Crazy situation actually – no boundaries respect at all, by everyone!..) And the cherry on the cake – they established business communication without me later.
My husband thought it was such a good deed of narc to go away, respecting his first say-so, and therefore wanted to help…
So narc came as such a hero for all the participants of situation.
Was there narsissists collision, like in “Chained” last pages?
My husband is very non-emotional and dominating, but scored extremely low on narc test; I tend to think he’s rather genial schizoid, rised by narc. But he is much bigger than me in matters of power, influence and money (significant dimention for a narcissist, right?). So probably what happen is narc found the more interesting target – very strategical choise of him. And dropped the immediate fuel source for having more power and fuel in the future…
Narc is silent after that and gives no answers on my pings. Only sad songs posting took place first time; in order to keep face for both targets – there were very different faces(“I still miss you desperately” vs “I meant nothing, she’s too emotional and it’s all her fantasy inner world”), that’s why all the narcissistic thing became possible to spot.
Probably narc still wants to use the situation, which he frozen on the point of being good for everybody, more strategically in his life empowerment than just having devaluation fuel. The boy is Greater Elite, but not Upper, as I can apply the criteria to him…
In case you have any comments of such choices, HG, I will be happy if you share…
I suspect there will be no malignant hoovers so far, because, as my husband put it, we both are “ripening peaches” for the narc.
(Omg, what a world I found myself in! It is not about love at all…)
I told HIM to leave as I was done with all the bullshit..lies and cheating ive put up with for 12 years.. Good ridance! And i have implemented no contact..
HG, my option was not listed. He repeatedly disengaged me by way of text. There’d be a huge text war, then he’d say… “I don’t want to date you anymore”, then disappear… until the inevitable hoover. But thanks to you, I’m almost 6 months narc free, since I escaped him and went NC. My first holiday in 6 years narc free. Feels soooooo good! And no one to cancel Christmas this year! Yipee!!!! Many thanks HG,
I’ve lived and experienced all of the above and can relate to eqch writer. My most recent form of disengagement was a surprise visit from a process server handing me a divorce summons, from a state 1800 miles away….
He threatened for years. He gave me ultimatums. I finally called his bluff and kicked him out. A mothers’s love is stronger than the most paralyzing fear.
Another great poll! I voted not yet disengaged for my present narc and vanished for my ex narc.
My present narc has never disengaged from me. I left him years ago for a week but hes never physically disengaged. That said, ive been shelved while present on and off thru the past two years. Hes always here but our sexual closeness goes from super charged to lacking then back again. If he ever did disengage id have to say goodbye and forever delete myself from his life bc it would break my heart to pieces. He has the power to really hurt me like no other and this causes me great concern and anxiety.
My ex narc….he would come and go and i got fed up with it. I could tell i was one of his back up plans when things would go awry in his life. When i had my kids we were friends and he ghosted me. I later found out he had married a woman who was part of our social group. He wanted a visa to work in Canada and more or less used her. Two yrs later he started contacting me from his parents home in liverpool UK. At the time i knew zero about narcissism and he gave me a sob story how he had been treated so awful by his ex wife and her two teen daughters. I knew him to be a jigalo and suspected it was the other way around. He tried many tactics on me. Sending me amazon gift cards via email, asking to come visit me, lots of charming phone calls/skype and hot photos. Then he would vanish for a few days sometimes weeks and pop back like nothing happened lol like we should start where we left off. It usually happened when i wouldnt agree to meet up with him for a visit. Something didnt sit well with him. I think it was the pity plays and the fact he went back to live with his parents. Who lives with their parents in their 30s? I lost attraction for him and respect and decided to disappear myself. I stopped all contact. To this day i still get emails proving narcissists will hoover and dont give up.
His vanishing disengagements were typical for a narcissist i now realise.
Thank you for sharing this, Narc Affair:
“That said, I’ve been shelved while present on and off thru the past two years. Hes always here but our sexual closeness goes from super charged to lacking then back again.”
That is exactly what I go through. Mine runs hot and cold in the sexual closeness department. Leaving me wondering if he still desires me or not. HG identified mine as a Lower Middle Victim Narc.
Hi geyserempath…im so sorry youre experiencing this too 🙁 its honestly the worst case of gaslighting mind f’ery there is!! My narc is extremely reliable and there for me. Were companions and enjoy each others company but the sex has changed over the past 7 yrs. The first 5 yrs were nonstop and pretty much constant. Then ironically 2 yrs ago when i started to learn about narcissism it started to change. Im not sure but i suspect he follows me online and knows i know what he is. He did hint at still talking to an ex and i suspect she may be back in his life in some capacity. At any rate the sex changed to a shelving type status and its extremely frusterating. Id rather be only friends than be shelved and i told him this back in july. He of course turned back into his former sexual self and things were back to normal for a good month almost 2 then the shelving started up again. Its really ruined my sexual desire for him bc when youre not sure if someones attracted to you or still wants you it makes you feel not sexy. Im sure you can relate. Its rejection and feels awful. Then they come on strong again like nothing has changed and youre thrown in a tailspin not knowing how to feel. Its fine and dandy for them bc they use us as an object but we have feelings and it really messes with the mind. One minute you feel things are good again and the next youre like what is going on?? Mind f’ery!
In reference to my older sister, she caused what I think is referred to as reactive abuse when she sent me a picture of sentimental items she had stolen from me 20 years prior. She always promised that she didn’t have it.
When she sent the picture, she went dead. No reply for days. Just let my emotions take control of the situation. I finally told her that we were done. I don’t ever want to hear from her again.
That’s when I got an instant reply of, “do you hear what your saying? We’re sister’s! How could you be so cruel?”
I think it’s called a covert discard.
My other sister discarded me over the same situation when I tried to reach out to her about getting no response.
After a day or 2 of her ignoring me she finally replied something like, “I don’t want to talk to you anymore because of that time you made fun of me about my foot.”
Then I researched their behavior and discovered, those bitches always have been and always will be crazy!
I have so many more!
Dear Mr Tudor,
After my friend returned to his home from hospital, he went a tad silent. I text msg him to enquire about his health, it went from 2 days to 4 days, then 1 week and so forth. Whereas he used to text msg me first, most of the time…. he was very needy. I wasn’t going to chase after him so I withdrew. He then sent me a text msg to wish me a merry Xmas, I responded the same. After 2 accidental chance meetings, I then text msg him to end the friendship (after questioning him about all his lies) ….he didn’t respond to my ending it…… he then hoovered me (that was quite scarey….the stare)!
It’s been quiet on the western front ever since.
Another great poll, thank you
You are welcome.
I picked the contradictory « He told me face to face » and « I’m unsure I was disengaged from », and I would add « I disengaged from him ».
My ex blew up on me completely. We had an argument, or rather he accused me of infidelity (which he did every now and then; being horribly jealous) and I tried to defend myself (thinking that was my right; having never been unfaithful to him at all). He abused me physically, raged on about not wanting to see me ever again in his life and then he stormed out. Of course he never apologised, but I’m certain he would’ve wanted me to say I’m sorry for causing drama in his life (which was his usual way of shifting focus from something he’d done or accused me of when he couldn’t get me to admit that I was the guilty one), but this time he never got an apology.
He did send me some accusing text messages a few days later, wanting me to suffer, trying to provoke me I guess. I tried for a long time to get my keys back and to get the closure of him at least admitting to me that we were over. I needed that closure desperately. For my sanity, for me being able to move on. Every time he answered in a pleasant manner reeking of passive aggressiveness, telling me that unfortunately he was not in a position to discuss these matters right now, he was not in a good mood/travelling for work; or he told me something/anything completely irrelevant about his day instead. Sometimes he didn’t answer at all. In the end I just realised I’ll get the closure by myself and I changed the locks. But I don’t think he’s finished with me, he’ll show up soon when the period of punishment is over. I won’t be here.
I received a benign Hoover from patriNarc this morning. Thanks to HG and all of his information, I was a bland, gray rock. He “had to go” after 1 min 20 seconds…LOL!!!
Thank you so much, HG!!!
Good work Ruth.
HG, from your writings about the shelved secondary source, it appears that while on the shelf, she does not hear from the narcissist but, if she contacts the narcissist, she will generally get a response with some comfort crumb. If the narc, however, asks for space for right now for him and his primary source to work out some personal issues and that he would reach out soon thus making it so that she cannot contact him if she is to comply but instead must wait for the narc to contact her, is she really being put on the shelf and why the difference? Thanks so much!
I disengaged from him. 🙂
I left nc. He hoovered. It got me a temporary protective order. Zero contact from him since. I go for permanent order on Monday. Last contact I ever intend to have. And I am sick.
A combination, his disengagement started when he was emotionally cheating while I was pregnant, and me moving out and then followed by the silent treatment and finally as he said, “running away and not dealing with us” to another country but said we’ll keep in touch over WhatsApp, but really it means sielnt treatment. His words are lies and and his real action is opposite to his words.
I escaped. But I escaped only when I thought he was planning a discard. Yet I faced an initial grand hoover but I think it was not for me to return, it was to gain sympathy from others, to prove that I am unfaithful. I am not sure though
October 2011; He vanished without a trace without any warning for 3 months, there was no argument… no problems I knew of. He ignored all contact attempts I made. He came back and told me how miserable he was without me and I just “got over it”.
May 2012; He insisted on buying my then 9 year old daughter birthday presents “even though he didn’t need to… because he wanted to… because my babies deserved so much” and then vanished without a trace for a month after I caught him lying to me about numerous things and confronted him and we argued. Just ignored my contact attempts/calls/texts/emails. Came back talking about how miserable he was without me. Blamed me for being stressful.
October 2012; He went on a sneaky smear campaign while we were still together, telling his family and friends what a piece of crap I was and how he no longer “felt obligated” to me and no longer felt guilty and was going to leave me. I didn’t find out until a month later. We argued and he vanished without a trace, again ignoring/rejecting phone calls, texts, emails.
I didn’t want to give up on him, I knew he loved me and I know I loved him and I just wanted the man I loved…
He went on with the silent treatment a few times. Other than that, things actually went smoothly for a while. I tried to talk to him about stuff… like about how he kept sending me expensive gifts, when he was supposed to be saving up his money to make a permanent move to stay with me.
November 2013; I’d had enough of the gifts and requested that he stop sending me gifts and instead saved the money in a savings account and actually put forth effort into what was supposed to be “our future”. He hung up on me and ignored my calls/texts/emails. Then, his mother emailed me to tell me that he and I were no longer together, that he had broken up with me, I needed to accept that and that I needed to stop trying to contact him. So, I did.
May 2014; 6 months later, the most intense hoover took place. Starting with him using public forums and friends to talk badly about me and then apologize profusely while practically throwing money everywhere. By this time, I had been diagnosed with PTSD. I was on medication for my anxiety and I thought I was okay. He trickled back into my life.
Things seemed okay after this for a while. Except for him using “My mental health issues” as a crutch and excuse about how I’m crazy and how I’m always imagining shit. He directly played on my PTSD. It wasn’t him doing these things, it was my mental health making me think terrible things about people that were good people and cared about me… especially him. And this is where I became super mentally dependent on the jerk. I would talk to my therapist and she would tell me that it might help me if I documented things so that I had them for reference to back myself up. I would save every text. Every email. Every message. Everything I possibly could. I had even told him I was doing this at the suggestion of my therapist. He didn’t mind… had nothing to hide.
February 2015; My grandfather died and everything in my family and life was chaos, yet I wasn’t spending enough of my attention at him. He became angry at me and yelled at me and I used my gathered saved conversations against him. He denied all that he could, redefined very specific words saying “When I said this, I meant this” etc etc. I was fed up and I cut off ties. A few days later, the police and child services showed up at my door. They had received “an anonymous tip” to investigate my house. That my children had no food, my house was a mess, we were broke, etc. There was none of this occurring and the police searched my entire house and came to the conclusion that it was a false report. I then explained to them about my ex. They concurred that it was likely him. He went on a HUGE smear campaign and seriously attempted to BUY people’s hatred of me. It worked on a few people. At this point, I was fully aware that he knew exactly what he was doing to me… he knew how much he was hurting me. Trying to jeopardize my life and my children? He was literally aiming to completely destroy me.
July 2015; Hoover time. He admitted the smear campaign, admitted calling child services on me. Promised he’d go to therapy. I allowed him back into my life as a distant friend, nothing more. He slowly attached himself back into my life after months of hoovering. I didn’t even see it coming, I was that naive.
October 2016; I called him out on not having gone to therapy yet. And I mean, he did go to therapy ONE time, but spent the entire time telling the therapist about how I’m the problem, how I’m unhappy and what an ungrateful person I am. The therapist tried to turn the conversation back onto my ex, and he left and never went back. FULL devaluation, extreme gaslighting. Everything was a giant whirlwind of a mess. I couldn’t think straight. I started to realize that he was really just chipping away at every drop of sanity I had. He was vampiric, remorseless and sickening. I FINALLY told my friends what he’d been doing to me all these years. I told him that I knew what he was. I told him everything. I no longer let him “talk me out of” what I knew. He completely dropped me, leaving me with text messages about how my family would only benefit if I would kill myself and get it over with. How it would enhance everyone’s lives if I would just die. About how sick and disgusted I make him. He used every bad thing he knew about my childhood, every bad thing about every romantic relationship. He really went for broke to tear me apart emotionally. And it almost worked. He used every insecurity I had against me. Every fear. And at that point, all I could think was “the only way I’m ever going to get away from him forever is if I do exactly what he said”. And that’s when I finally told my friends about the abuse. They brought me back to my senses.
June 2017; I’m in a new relationship. Suddenly, my ex wants to be in contact again. I inform him of my new relationship and rarely respond to his contacting me. He gets obsessed with my relationship. Wants to know everything about the guy. I refuse to disclose any information, including where I was physically living at this point. He demands that I end the relationship and that he and I give it another shot instead. I refused. He gives me an ultimatum. I deny the ultimatum. Then he sends me several texts about how he loves me and he knows he wasn’t always perfect but that he can’t imagine life without me. I told him he should have thought about that 7 years ago and told him never to contact me again. I blocked him in every way that I could. Still NC to this day. Still worry about if/when he’ll try to come back.
Sorry for such a long post. I summarized as much as I could. I kept all of this inside for so long because I wasn’t allowed to tell anyone of the things he did to me. It made him look bad and he wouldn’t allow that.
So glad your here now on this blog now. Your story is very rough, especially that you were browbeaten into staying silent for so long and made to feel crazy. Sharing can really help in healing. It certainly does for me. I hope you don’t ever feel afraid to tell how you feel or what you’ve gone thru again – to your friends or us. 🌹
Windstorm, thanks. It’s taken a lot for me to be able to get to the point of saying all of this, even here – where others have experienced much of the same. I’ve been on this blog for quite some time (it is a big part of what helped me learn what I was dealing with) but was so afraid to speak up for a long, long time. But now that I know what I do, I’m finally starting to feel hopeful again and that everything will be okay.
I’m always leery of speaking up unless I feel really comfortable. I was here on the blog for about a year before I ever made a comment. Glad you’re feeling more confident!
Thankyou for sharing and I’m glad your confident to speak, very best wishes to you xx
Derby I also am sorry for all you’ve gone through! Stay on the blog read as much of HGs posts and books as you can! He will help you like he has helped all of us! In time you will heal and feel human again. Never be afraid to write anything that you want on here! We have all been through it and understand. You are safe on here. HG is always very professional and in time perhaps a consult with him either by e mail or audio will something I hope you will consider. He has succeeded in helping so many where therapists have failed. I hope you find peace. 🌻😘
DERPY— thankyou for that long share. i get it. like “normal people” do not. xx
Could not vote this time. It was me disengaging always. Once or twice we disengaged at the same time. So, it is kind of blurred. The last time we both stopped contact, but I wouldn’t describe it as “vanishing without a trace”. If I had contacted him, he would have answered.
I check unsure. I always initiate the disengagement. Later they’ve block me then follow up with various forms of hoovers. My first boyfriend whom I reunited with a few years ago told me to never block anyone no matter what the person does. Lol..I listened to him.
I actually enjoyed the respite periods. Living in a constant state of confusion trying to figure out wth just happened was no picnic.
Happy Thanksgiving Everyone. I am extremely greatful finding H.G.
My husband was out of town for a few weeks. A few days before he was due back, he sent me a very long text (full of lies and manipulations of course), basically ending things w me. I didn’t respond. What he didn’t know was that I already had a plan to leave the day he was due back (I couldn’t leave until then bc of his minor child in the home under my care). I had movers lined up, had secured a new home, and had already seen an attorney. On the day he was due home, the movers arrived 15 min after the teen had left for school (I couldn’t let him get wind of it in advance either), and we spent the next 4-5 hours packing up and moving my belongings. House was practically empty at that point (it was all my furniture, dishes, etc). I then spotlessly cleaned the house top to bottom and finished about 10 min before stepson arrived home from school. I waited on the front steps for him and informed him that I was leaving. Then I left. I called me husband from the car to let him know. He didn’t answer or return my call. He arrived less than an hour later to find my and my stuff gone. My lawyer filed for divorce 1st thing the next morning. That’s my story. Of course it didn’t end there, but that will have to wait for another day.
I keep myself to myself re hoovers.
I always escape.
Him trying to get me back even after 15 months of relentless attempts wont work.
In fact..the more I am pushed..the further my heels stick in.
I will take so much in relationships but when it goes too far …if abuse …it is better if whoever does the pushing/abusing to step aside.
Better for them.
Because no way will I break my defiance once Ive been pushed too far..and I know how to wound and wound.
This is always a shock to them. They cant believe it when I turn. Because I have loved and cared and I am gentle..they dont think I have it in me perhaps?
The element of surprise has always been my forte.
Make no mistake..I will bite hard, n a manner of speaking, when necessary.
I have no choice in the end it would seem so I bite.
And I leave.
(Lmao)…Wolfisms…eye roll ..! Haha..
I never knew I was with narcissists but I’ve identified many now that I’ve been entangled with since HG’s teachings.
It is strange but I did always know how to get them back to irritate them etc leave them in states… and see how they liked it after all the claptrap behaviour…yeah..I did that.
And cried on my own so they couldn’t see.
Especially after I cared and loved wholeheartedly and was lovely.
Oh but now I have learned.
Now I know how to wound way harder than ever if Im ever cornered again.
My welcome mat is sweet and genuine.. so it gives me no pleasure ..absolutely not to have to force somebody into misery because they’ve abused me.
But they will be forced into misery and they just wont see it coming.
Oh it’s not a big show it’s not a big boom.
Sometimes the hardest thing we must do is actually to do nothing.
Because it is difficult to resist the urge to correct or to punish sometimes. And so not always possible when unleashing a sharp verbal assault.
And the doing nothing …disappearing… causing a fuel crisis.
Do nothing and win everything.
We can keep people in our hearts at times but not in our lives.. and we can also choose to expel them from ‘our everything’ eventually.
Just make it sooner rather than later and do yourself a favour I say.
Stop wasting my time.. is my favourite saying lately.
I read somewhere that it takes an average of leaving the narcissist about 7 times before actually break away. Do you think that’s about right HG? And by the way, it’s Thanksgiving Day here in the USA and so one of the things I’m thankful for is that you’ve opened a door for me to learn so much through your writings and experiences, HG… thank you ~
I would state that is accurate and thank you.
(b4 reading other comments)
Hey!! No Fair!!!!
How come I never got a disengagement???!!
I still struggle with understanding what has happened in regard to this. I had an email consult and was told it was a “correcting devaluation” after I exposed his sex website profiles to him. It feels like a disengagement though. I am a DLS and I am likely shelved as he alternates between other DLS (as others have shared this perspective with me). He never interacts with me unless I reach out first. And even then 75% of the time it is met with silence.
In the past it has felt like he has “persuaded” me into disengaging from him (if that makes sense).
He has told me “I will block you someday and I will respectfully ask you to do the same, we need this it is for our own good” but then that goes out the window as he continues to contradict and talk to me.
We are not seeing each other, we are not having sex. Then it all flip flops.
He also has said “If you love me you will leave me alone”.
Him: “I am not cutting the cord today but you will force the cutting of the cord”
Me: (challenging him) “You don’t want to cut the cord anymore than I do and you know it!”
Him: Silence. No acknowledgement of my argument.
Maybe there can be a combined choice for “corrective semi-disengagement”…. ?
There I go overthinking again.
I didn’t vote
I was banished because I challenged my Grandmother at 16
Death is permenant
My ex told me we needed some time apart and I agreed, after a week of me not contacting him he showed up and I didn’t come home due to him being there. I found out I was pregnant and I knew what he was and needed to work through my emotions. I didn’t react to the correction in the manner He desired, so things progressed to the next level. I still believe to this day due to lack of information on his part he disengage and went to smearing me because he knew I knew what he was.
I always have a difficult time voting in these polls because there are different answers for my different relationships. Since reading everyday, all of the articles you have written, and your books, I have come to realize that every relationship I have ever had, has been with a narcissist. I had no idea. I knew that I always ended up with emotionally unavailable men but had no idea what all the different behaviors meant. It is so interesting because I can see all the similarities now, but would have never been able to put it together before. I have had so many realizations or “lightbulb moments” through reading and learning. It has been a great relief in some ways, and sadness for sure, because I do know I deserve better. My father is a narcissist so that is all I have ever known. I don’t know what a normal relationship would even look like and I have a difficult time even being attracted to “other men”. Disengagement has happened in a variety of ways, which I voted in the poll. Most of the time, I have broken up the relationships because I did know something was wrong and it felt crazy to me, only to think I wanted it back again at some point in the future. I am an avid reader and fan and I keep learning. Thanks 🙂
Thank you for reading. It is understood that you have different outcomes as people may well have been disengaged many times by the same narcissist and/or different narcissists, hence why you can choose more than one answer.
It was the most brief of cryptic Messenger mails. This was followed by a rash of “ex” and “freedom” memes on his FB Page. Eventually I joined the dots. He blocked me, but is still loitering in the shadows.
None of the above. The devaluation has been ostentatiously building for months, pushing me so I lose my temper and give him the means by which to play the victim around his family (today, thanksgiving). I complied, I suppose. It was no secret he was done. My participation became absurd. The timing was brilliant, exactly a year since we got together, and right before thanksgiving with his family.
I disengaged from HIM. So I couldn’t vote. I have always been the one to leave my narcissists and the first to do so.
They’re arrogance allowed them to think I did not have the emotional strength to get out. In every instance I told them “if you continue to treat me this way I WILL leave you. It may not happen today or next week but eventually I will have both feet out the door.” and every time they thought it was an empty threat until I filled the moving van.
Let the hoovers commence!
Narcicissts. Plural? Yikes. 1 and i was done..
Yikes is right. Different packaging… Same product. Just started learning the common denominators in the last year.
But I’m with a midranger currently so the damage is minimal now that I have my arsenal of understanding. But then again I was raised by and around some pretty narcissistic people. It was inevitable I would either go the way of HG or become an empath.
Lucky you! Once people discover what they have been dealing with in a partner, they often realize they have parents, siblings or more that are narcissists and have conditioned them to accept the abuse.
“Different packaging… Same product.” – so well said! All the schools and cadres are so different – tried three different narcs, never suspected they have common features (because features are perceived as something normal from the own parent family environment).
That’s often a causal-consequent thing indeed: narcs in parent family, then narcs as partners…
It goes in generations…
For example my family looks like this:
(Grandparents1): Narc cerebral + narc somatic = gave birth to three codependents.
(Grandparents2): Narc Elite + codependent = one borderline.
(Parents): Borderline + codependent = one borderline.
All these types of adaptation share some same core issues so inevitably prefer partners according to them and pass them to their children.
I have a great work ahead not to pass to my son one of these adaptations… If it’s not too late, of course…
Whole my life, until the last narc, I didn’t realize something is wrong with all of that… Didn’t know narcissism exists.
In many ways, you are like me. I had just one narcissist romantic relationship but I left him thrice. I escaped and remained no contact for over 6 months. Then we got back together and again I escaped but he didn’t hoover a lot in first two escapes. I am through third escape now and it’s been around 3 months. Not a complete no contact as I and are studying in same university, share similar supervisors etc but no contact through phone, text etc. The relationship has ended. He is playing double game. He is sending me emails to get back but at university he pretends that he has let me go and he does not want to interact with me because he does not want to make me uncomfortable. He does not want me to feel hurt.
@border… It took me 13 years before I left the last one for good. And there were many failed attempts prior to that.
He would always take as much as he could from me with the least amount of effort from him. I used to call it bargain basement shopping. The only way he would EVER appreciate me is if I left. So I did. It has been 7 years. He still tries to get me back…
He plotted for a whole year pretending as if nothing and that we were meeting but making subtle coupled with also very powerful and cruel devaluations all the time, and then only to reappear as if nothing JUST at the time when I had had enough and said that this was it, but then he promised great things.. I became a big emotional mess and did not sleep at night and had a lot of PTSD symptoms. Then the final time he pretended we should meet and created the big expectations – while in the final communication he was texting odd things which was his way of signaling that he was mocking himself of me, but still leaves him the possibility to reappear with some stupid excuse should he want to – but as it turned out, he of course never showed up and I have not heard from him since August. Did not try either myself to engage since, because at that point the pain was simply excruciating – it was like ‘do you want to live or do you want to die and if you want to live you have to give yourself a break from this 24 hour nightmare every day every month’. So as a response to his disappearing that day, I took control of my feelings who only just wanted to be with him and wanted to beg and please more – and instead made sure to ‘break the rule’ of the way I should communicate with him and wrote him that day in a way which would both make it very difficult for me to reach out to him again in a weak moment while also making him standing to lose face-value and be narcissistically injured and hence give me the space I needed, since I compared his actions to that of ‘fucked up upset girl’ – and misogyne as he is that is at least something he would maybe care to listen to and which could maybe have an impact. I love him in spite of all this but he is a true monster and very dangerous – he has been doing this all of his life, I know a girl he went to high-school with and I have heard the same story over and over, from her and different people who don’t know each other but know him. It is impossible.
After a week of the silent treatment ( including my birthday) he send me a message saying that we have to talk and he told me face to face in a very savage way.
He kicked me when i was already down, on my knees.
It was a punishment for my disobedience and the way to assert control.
After listening to the Nothing Off Limits interview I realized the mistake i made . I tipped him off that i may leave him. We had this conversation when he said ‘ You won’t change me’ to which I replied ‘ but it doesn’t mean that I have to accept your behaviour. I have a choice’. ‘ If you’re saying what I think you’re saying then I’m not gonna like it’ he said.
I shouldn’t have said anything.
Pleased that you took that from the interview.
And I am grateful that I can always learn something new from you.
Where could we hear this interview?
Those are the two interviews HG did.
If you go to YouTube and look up Knowing the Narcissit you will find all of his videos and I believe the interviews he has done. I do know interviews have been posted here on the blog you just have to go to the search bar on the upper right hand side. I am just waking so I don’t remember what they are listed under at the moment.
Hello Nina, this is the link to the interview. Enjoy!
Here is the link http://www.ladyfoxentertainment.com/listen
You can also use the search button on top (Nothing Off Limits- 100th Episode).
It’s really good.
Thank you for the links. Great interviews! I had not heard those two before. XO
I checked unsure if I’ve ever been disengaged from. My narcs would all be family members or friends – not romantic. There are quite a few I never hear from except maybe at funerals or very rarely. I don’t really think about it since I have no desire to see them, either.
I have never tried to contact any of my narcs and them refuse to talk to me, though. But then, I almost never have any desire to contact them. Im not important fuel to any of them except my exhusband and on occasion my two narc sons.
“Two narc sons” … :,(
When people disengage from me or (definitely) discard me, they do not say anything at all. Not only narcissists but also Empaths and Normals do this when someone has smeared me. They do not speak to me anymore, do not answer my emails and ignore my calls. There is no difference between narcissists and nons. Lesser Lieutenants/Coterie will lash out at me and defend the Victim-Narcissist, if I ask what is going on.
Ok . Truth is Ive no clue what you would call this. He is in touch daily via text mainly, sometimes phones. But not seen him in the relationship sense for 6 mths. keeps making arrangements to talk and then breaking them with an hour to go. I realise this is a control and fuel thing. Has said I am too demanding and high maintenance – by definition – means I asked him not to sleep with anyone else. He couldnt do it but still wont admit it. So is this disengagement??? I have no clue WHAT this is. ANY IDEA’s? Do I love him YES Does he know this YES. Does he want to start seeing me again NO. WTF is it? He has started to open up about his issues – genuinely. And has admitted the way he is and why he says classic things or acts a certain way. So is he confiding in me?? I dont know.
I hope H.G won’t mind if I answer this with my own advice from experience. Hopefully H.G. will find time to add on to this or correct anything he disagrees with.
I will be honest:
He is using you as fuel.
Your narc knows he has you where he wants you, so he calls on you to have a big spoonful of fuel before he resumes his life without you, with his IPPS etc. He gives you breadcrumbs to keep you attached to him, so that you can continue to feed him fuel. You are nothing to him if not a supply, and a nicely reliable one at that.
What to do?
1.GO NO CONTACT.
As soon as you do, or soon after, he will start BEGGING to see you, to get back together, and he will start future faking (talking about being exclusive and all the things you wanted)…Give in to that, and he will soon go back to his old ways and ignore you when it pleases him. He will be very much the toddler who leaves a toy in the corner, doesn’t play with it for weeks, but will scream blue murder should anyone else try to play with it. DO NOT give in to his pleas, they are only lies and attempts to bring you back to his supply farm.
2. go out, get busy
The best cure for anxiety is action, the best cure for pain is time. Give yourself both, in abundance. Find a new hobby or delve deeper into the ones that you have and give you joy. Go out, pamper yourself, love yourself, hang out with those friends that are NOT linked to the narc and that are part of your support system, if you have it. Above all else, act happy to the world, especially if any narc-associated people might hear of it (HE WILL). It will be the sweetest revenge because nothing pisses off a narc more than knowing their escapee is happy without them.
After some time, you will begin to feel happy naturally, and eventually you will find someone else.
Just make sure they are not a narc, and that they appreciate you for your heart, not your supply.
I suggest you read “sitting target” by H.G. Tudor.
If it is available in your area, I would recommend some psychodrama sessions, so you can get your closure without having to interact with the narc. It can also help combat the underlying issues that can make some empaths even more prone to narcissistic targeting (narc parents, low self-esteem etc).
Love yourself, and remember GET OUT, STAY OUT.
I did not know anything about “narcissists” (even though several members of my family were/are narcs) but I was conflicted whether the relationship with my fiancé should move forward or not. One night we had a fight over one of his lies/manipulations/contradictions and I was on full Empathic Supernova mode so I screamed Enough is Enough! and blocked him from all phone numbers, e-mail, social media, changed keys, etc. I expected him to take a reality check and change dramatically. Little did I know…One week later, I unblocked him and he promptly sent a message saying “I guess we were not meant for each other”, so I suppose this would be his disengagement. Now I am facing the ‘grand hoovering’ phasis.
I had more of a problem to get rid of him … I was the one disengaging … but unfortunately more than once agreeing to resumed contact, too. He disengaged twice via e-mail when he had someone new. First time came back after 1 month. Second time … hm … it was more like “I am writing to you to tell you that I am not initiating contact again because of my new girlfriend”, …
He threatened with “no contact” lots of times, but I learnt not to take that seriously, as he never followed through.
We had been together 4 months. He pushed to be exclusive, pushed to move quickly. On Saturday he wanted me to meet his children. On the following Wednesday he completely ignored my birthday. Blocked my calls, social media, no contact. No explanation, no nothing. Just totally ghosted.
After 17 years of on/ off treatment, the last disengagement was particularly brutal as it was first a silence, then a blocking from social media followed by a change of phone numbers and then he called and hung up the phone immediately…
None of the above did it over Facebook messenger both times after spewing hate filled comments at me I checked of email or letter because it was the closest the first time he did it he didn’t block me the second discard he blocked me on one app but not others on one profile but not others
I see him every Saturday for a beer or sometimes dinner with he and his family, so not disengaged from yet. No contact the rest of the week, so a shelved IPSS.