Come One Come All

 come-one-come-all

My kind need people. We do not like to admit it as the suggestion of reliance on somebody else brings with it connotations of weakness and this dents our sense of omnipotence. It is however an inescapable fact. We do not like it and indeed this is in part the thing which drives our devaluing behaviour. I need other people because I need to gather fuel from those people through their emotional responses to me. I am often asked and sometimes lambasted for it, whether I obtain fuel from my writing and interaction with those who comment on it, asking questions and advancing their own experiences and theories. I freely admit I do so but emphasise that since all of those who I interact with are remote strangers then in accordance with the fuel index, the amount of fuel that I receive is very low. Nevertheless, it is naturally welcome and I am far more content to receive it than not. The receipt of this fuel though is not the driving force behind why I write and share my experiences, observations and increasing awareness. The receipt of fuel is neither the key reason why I interact with the many people who take the time to comment and question me. I interact with my readers because I gain by exhibiting my works to them. I interact because I learn from my readers, by understanding their views, their responses and their desires. I interact because they can learn from me and the dissemination of my knowledge is a powerful sensation indeed. I interact because I find the questions posed often challenging, invariably interesting and stimulating. I interact because I am interested in the lives and experiences of those who have found themselves participating with me. I also often find them entertaining and humorous too. Through my writing and the almost daily interaction with these people I have also come to recognise that these people fall in to particular groups. I have observed this repeatedly and I wanted to share this observation with you. You may recognise people belonging to these groups and have your own views about that inclusion. You may indeed recognise which group you belong to and quite possibly further categorisations which have not yet occurred to me. I would be interested to know. So, what are these groups?

  1. The Angered

Admittedly not a large group, but there are those who present full of anger and hatred, either towards my kind and even me specifically even though we have never met. Of course, I am representative of my kind, albeit a superior version and therefore it is to be expected that I would take some flak for this. I understand how badly people have been hurt and abused by my kind and therefore this anger is entirely natural. I have no issue whatsoever in people telling me what a bastard I am, that they would like to punch me in the mouth or that I should be taken out and shot. If people wish to vent their spleen in such a fashion, they should feel free to do so. They may feel better about it and of course it is just fuel to me.

  1. The Confused

There are those who are completely bewildered by what has happened and this state persists for some time, despite the explanations that I provide and the clarity through which I articulate these explanations. That is not to suggest that these people are thick or stupid, far from it, but is in fact testament to just how confusing, disorientating and perplexing our behaviour can be. Many people in this group cannot fathom out how our kind can be as we are and moreover how we cannot know what we are. It is pleasing to watch as the understanding suddenly forms over time, as the pieces fit together and the whole narcissistic experience begins to make sense. I often find that it is when those people begin to realise that they have to adopt our perspective in order to gain understanding. That is often the breakthrough moment

  1. The Answer Seeker

This group embodies one of the fundamental traits of empathic people; the need to know and understand. Question after question is posed, usually based on their own experiences in order to assist them in fathoming out what type of narcissist this person became entangled with, why the narcissist did as he did and what can be expected to happen next. Occasionally, this group may pose questions which are hypothetical but in the main the repeated and valid asking of questions is premised on what has happened to them.

  1. The Sponge

This group comprises of Answer Seekers but goes beyond this. They wish to know and understand everything there is to know about the narcissistic experience. They need to understand what happened to them but also find considerable interest in the experience of others and then applying their new found knowledge to unravelling the mysteries of the tales from other people. This group cannot get enough of the knowledge and understanding, they wish to examine every facet of narcissism, whether it is from the victim’s perspective or that of the narcissist. They need to know why, how and what. These people soak up all this knowledge and do so with a healthy understanding of their tolerance to do so as they place understanding above emotional response.

  1. The Burnt Victim

This group consists of people who find the whole entanglement with the narcissist still very raw. They may not be confused as they know what they have been ensnared by and they are beginning to understand the essentials of what has happened and why. Moments come when the content is difficult to stomach, the wounds still raw and painful and this may result in occasional absences, yet, the desire to have those wounds heal and push through the pain with commendable bravery sees these people pressing on with their interaction and understanding, no matter how much it continues to hurt.

  1. The Narcissists

As one might expect, my work will attract those who are of my kind and those who perhaps are not quite narcissists but have strong traits in that regard. These people recognise what they are and are content to share this as well as learn more about themselves by reading the words of one of their own. Occasionally they bristle and raise their hackles, once in a while lashing out, leaving others in no doubt as to what they are, but invariably they recognise my arena as a place of knowledge and learning and are content to engage in that as the primary purpose.

  1. The Unwitting Narcissists

From time to time this very small group has a membership when one of our kind wanders by and repeatedly exhibits all the traits which demonstrate that they are one of our kind, but they do not see it. Indeed, their blame-shifting, projection and deflection are manifestly obvious, but not to them for they have no insight. It is not in accordance with the five rules for me to tell them what they are, but I always recognise my kind when they alight here and from time to time they do.

  1. The Introspectives

This group comprises those who wish to learn about the narcissistic experience, ask questions and soak up the knowledge but in doing so, the experience is as much learning about my kind as understanding what they are and why they became entangled or keep becoming entangled. These people see the benefit of beginning to understand themselves by understanding the behaviour of their tormentor and are keen to grasp what it is about them, their behaviour, their past and their characteristics which influences their choices.

  1. The Staters of the Obvious

This group, which is small, consists of those who seem to believe that they have to tell me what I am. I do not include those who advance an idea or theory in a respectful manner based on their own experience and understanding. It is evident when somebody is doing that and such a constructive approach is always welcomed. The Staters of the Obvious have a tendency to tell me what I already know, do so in a derogatory fashion and make it appear as if it is some major revelation to me. For instance, they may announce,

“Your kind are just all spoilt children and you will never be happy.”

Thanks for that. That is illuminating.

Or I am advised,

“You are just a fucking waste of space and karma will get you because you are empty and evil.”

Glad we cleared that up then.

It is of course fuel and many who engage in this do so not because they are angry but because they believe they understand what I am more than I do myself. They are incorrect. This often happens when someone comes across my material for the first time and races to such injudicious pronouncements without digesting more of my work which will soon reveal to them that my level of awareness is considerable. I do find that those individuals flare up and vanish very quickly when the bite they are hoping for does not come. It is easy to play with such people and I could amuse myself by doing so, working them up into a frenzy as they unwittingly realise they are pouring fuel in my direction but that is not a productive use of my time.

  1. On the Up

This group consists of those who are recovering and supplementing their recovery with additional knowledge and understanding. They have a clear direction of where they are going and in typical empathic style they wish to share their experiences and help others. This is not done in a bragging manner (see the group below) and it is not expressed so it is “all about them” but is rather done from the purpose of giving encouragement and inspiring others that there is a way forward and a path through the pain. This group are keen to detail constructively what has worked for them and what has not. Their recollections are often under-stated, modest and sensible.

  1. Point to Prove

By contrast to the above group, those members in this small group feel the need to repeatedly declare how much of a champion they are for surviving. Indeed, I understand the pride which must come to the fore after having suffered horrendously and then having moved forward, but the frequent need to shout this from the rooftops tends to suggest to me that the progress is not as great or a secure as they would like others to believe. Indeed, I often regard those in this group, as compared to those above, as being more in it for themselves and do it more to bash and bait my kind, rather than truly revel in the advancement of their own recovery and those of their fellow victims.

  1. The Weaponising Empath

This group is one of the larger, if not the largest group I find I am interacting with. It consists of people who realise that they have access to a unique resource which they can use repeatedly to help themselves by understanding. They know they can ask questions, read as much or as little as they require, they frame considered and respectful questions and do so in order to understand, to acquire knowledge, to defend themselves and to enable them to tackle the effects and influence of the narcissist or narcissists in their life. The members of this group recognise that they can gain far more by engaging with me than seeking to point score, but that does not mean they will necessarily accept everything that is stated with querying or even challenging it. They adopt an open-minded approach to the ongoing process that they find themselves a part of and are enthusiastic in being able to avail themselves of a rare and unusual source of knowledge. They are able to put to one side any distaste they may have at “fraternising with the enemy” by reason of their empathic nature (they recognise what has happened to my kind as well) and the fact they know they stand far more to gain by extracting knowledge and observation than by engaging in a bun fight. Many appear within this group from the start and others gravitate towards it during their interaction with me. It is a beneficial and rewarding group for its members and for me as well.

Do any of these groups seem familiar to you? Perhaps there are others I have missed. Perhaps you identify which one you belong to. I would be interested to read your observations.

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33 thoughts on “Come One Come All”

  1. Pingback: ANDIAMO, VENITE TUTTI!
  2. Its fascinating reading older blogs and realizing they were written while I was in my seduction period. Every time I doubt what happened to me I head here and logic takes hold. I am very much the Burnt Victim right now, raw and at times enraged. I am still in my emotional sea but now I recognize what this is and it allows me some peace.

    Every day is a new day.

  3. Hmmm.. I think I am probably a burnt, angry, introspective sponge that often states the obvious.

    Thanks for the insight.. XO

  4. I resign myself to the fact I will feel awful but I still must DO the right thing.

    ^ the “right” thing feels AWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWFUL is RIGHT. gah. thankyou for that. it helps to see others experience parallel and reminds me there is a light.

    1. I saw your post about court & I was dying to ask, but decided I had no right – thank you for sharing.

      YOU ARE SO BRAVE! SO COURAGEOUS!! Give yourself credit for doing the fight !! You showed up – you brought it! You deserve MASSIVE credit for that.

      You survived.

      You’ve got this.

      .. it just takes waaaayyyy longer than it should… certainly than they deserve…

  5. So what kind of empath am I if I am one with “normal” people and a pile of goo with narcs. I am allergic to them, phobic, and putty. I had court and was frozen. I know other’s write him off as ‘the asshole’ and such. I sat there and felt utterly sick. Horrible. And yes, I got the order but felt to blame (he did a fine job of that) but I DO IT MYSELF. I felt bad for him. Poor him. I put him through such an ordeal (no logic, I get that…) but the emotional infection is a BEEEEYOTCH. It did not feel like a win. I felt like a shot through my heart. And assassin from the back. I bled out. I know normal people do not respond this way. Well, normal people do not get ensnared. I know the TRUTH. But in his presence (only 3xs, all court, since NC 6mos) it is as if I am possessed. It is beyond “highly influenced.” I am powerless over this person. I feel flatlined. I won the war but lost every battle along the way. And feel AWFUL. Now what.

    1. TZ. ..

      I often battle this. Some things that help me are:
      I
      I resign myself to the fact I will feel awful but I still must DO the right thing. Feelings are not facts.

      If my purpose is not to hurt someone but solely to do the best thing for me I KNOW at least that I am not guilty. May not feel like it but I know at least.

      The biggest help for me is knowing that I ABSOLUTELY CAN NOT trust my emotions in certain situations. Would I feel the same if it was a friend doing the same as me? Most often I would be PROUD of them and supportive.

  6. I’d like to consider myself an Introspective.. I certainly do a lot of thinking..

    ..but often I worry I simply annoy you.. w my questions.. and failure to understand…

      1. Thank you, Sir Tudor 😉

        ..even when I poke you & don’t answer? 😉

        I know you are not ever obligated to respond – sometimes it surprises me when you do, other times when you do not..

        Ever intriguing – it is a pleasure to interact on this blog, I remain fascinated & desire (narrowly escaped using “hope” here) everyone to know I gain so much through the other posters as well.

  7. My traits fit into 2 of those categories. At times one more than the other, and I have been aware of part of this notion since I was very young, but could not articulate fully its meaning until recently. I would have to take HG Tudor’s invitation when ready to discuss further.

  8. Even this is observed and put into types.
    What a brilliant scientific mind indeed…

    The category Fans is missed.

  9. HG…

    I recognize some of these personality traits. But as deeply hurt as I am and as introspective as I am there is a large reservoir of something else in me i can’t seem to identify.

    Life truly is hilarious to me. The wounds and the sadness are very much there. I have often sobbed my heart out and laughed at the same time. I don’t hate narcissists. These experiences have informed me, distressed me, seduced me and, most importantly, taught me who I am when my back is against the wall. Who knows? I am waiting for my phone call… To you.

  10. Secondly a question:

    In the spirit of Come One, Come All, is there a specific group of people who you have no use for at all?

    People who you would not waste your time love bombing or devaluing?

    People who are not valuable to you at all, in terms of fuel, character traits or residual benefits?

    I ask this coz one of the Coaches on a Narc Support page stated that he is of no use to a Narc, and therefore, if he was in the same room with a Narc, the Narc would not bother approach him in any way for anything.

    Are there some type of people you would not bother with, even if they had lots and lots of fuel, character traits and residual benefits?

    You just wouldn’t bother with them, and why???

    1. If someone has lots and lots of fuel, character traits and residual benefits that person is worth bothering with in some capacity.

  11. What about the group that reads and reads on and on but never comment on anything? And the other group that keeps on sharing your links to other social media groups on FB etc, even though they do not comment… How would you categorise them..

  12. Interesting and a difficult one to answer HG. I’ve noticed too that we all seem to be at different stages of recovery here; some of us still in a narcissistic relationship, some of us in denial, most of us having in some sense left the relationship behind, the majority of us trying to gain knowledge, realising the finely attuned weapon you’re handing us. All groups seem familiar in that way. The fact that we’re all here at all means that we do have some understanding of what has happened/is happening to us, or at least some hope of gaining insights, albeit differing from one person to the other. Many seem to have been reading your articles for a long time and I perceive their awareness, their ability to form philosophical and existential thoughts regarding their experiences to be greater than for instance mine, who am quite raw out of my own nightmare.

    So where am I in this? The burnt victim for sure. I still hurt, I still suffer from cognitive dissonance, but I want to learn more, I want to heal from what I know has been the most unhealthy experience of my life.

    Also I would say that I’m an answer seeker. I recognise that my quest for truth is premised a lot right now on telling and retelling my own story, going through it again and again, needing to put everything in words somehow to be validated. I think this is a stage that I’ll move through eventually, getting bored of it all, joining the Weaponising Empaths one fine day.

    Finally I’m also introspective in a way. In the end I’m not in this for him; it’s all about me. I see what happened to me in the light of having the chance to confront myself, my past and my own fears finally. I need to take more with me from this journey than being able to state that my narcissist is a wicked man; of that I’m already aware. This is a process about me. Growth and inner peace is what I’ll be striving for.

    And of course I belong to the group of Unstoppable Talkers too, needless to say;)
    Sorry for that.

  13. Read with great interest, HG. Perhaps this falls under one of your existing categories, perhaps not, so I thought I would mention it. The Inoculation Seekers (working title LOL) who are defined thus. We have an N-shaped hole somewhere in us or in our life and use this site as a safe way to be near our Ns. I have seen several comments along this line and consider myself to be in this group. VERY often when I am tempted to look at my Ns facebook page or even think about missing him, I head straight to this page. Reading “about him” makes me feel like he is… less gone and doesn’t run any risk of contact or infestation.

  14. HG I have found that myself have been in many of the groups you wrote about. They changed as I healed and finally understood what had happened to me! Something happened as I was trying to figure all of this out?! I started to learn about myself! You are the first person that has ever been able to get me to do that! Because of you I have learned so much about myself and how I have been surrounded by narcissists my whole life. Your knowledge and the way you interact with us has kept my interest ( which is something else know one has ever been able to do ) going since your first blog post. You are constantly adding ways to get the word out to the world, but in doing so you have given me so many ways to keep learning. If I missed something or didn’t really understand something in a post, I might pick it up on you tube listening to you. Even your interviews have benefited me in things I might not understand. Of course when all else fails there are the consults! Your dedication and the way you have grown over the years is commendable! The time you put into this and still find time for your professional job and a social life truly in my eyes makes you Superman!! I have the utmost respect for you kind sir. Thank you for everything you have done and continue to do to make the world know and learn about narcissists!! Bless you! Xxx🇬🇧🌺

  15. Great Article Mister Tudor
    I tried posting a couple comments along with a couple questions in this same article, but in the
    March 10, 2017 one because i could not find where to leave one underneath today’s date.
    Please possibly get back to me when you are able
    Thank you

  16. I am a combo of Introspectives and On The Top. I don’t have any pain for the narcissist, as I have remained no contact for several years now, but rather I wish to learn how I managed to allow such abuses to occur.

    Currently, the narcs in my life mainly consist of tertiary sources, i.e. coworkers and the sort, and I admit it is fun to try to secretly classify them.

    When I was in midst of my narc experience, I was crying everyday and drinking a lot of wine. Reading about narcissism would have likely only made me believe I was one. I had to cry to get it out. This took a good number of months.

    He also did such a good number on me in convincing me I was a horrible person. Lonely, needy, obsessive, and by the end, I WAS acting this way! So what other way was there for me to think other than his? Of course, it took 7 yrs of his lies and deceit to get me this way. Yet, why didn’t I walk away? That’s what I had to learn. Why did I make such exceptions for him?

    I didn’t begin to read about narcissism until close to a year or more after the no contact. There is so much I could say, but someone once said to me, vis-a-vis my narc relationship, ‘Some people are just not compatible.’

    Ok, while this is true, one doesn’t go from being 100% compatible for 2 yrs to then everything and I mean EVERYTHING, being a fight. I knew something was very, very wrong.

    Your site wasn’t around when I was in midst of my hazed hoopla, but as I mentioned, I was so distraught, I was thinking I was crazy anyway. I wasn’t even able to think clearly. I absorbed everything that he said. I am immature, I am needy, I am lonely, I am crazy.

    Except now I say, no. I am not.

    Narcissists do not go away. They will pop up at work, and reading about their patterns has taught me that this is the way they are and to not personalize it. And as you often say HG, negativity for you is taken as fuel. So I have been trying to regard negativity in much the same way.

    BTW I have been lurking on your blog since early ’16 and it took me a good while to eventually comment. So I know there are many others out there too.

  17. I think I’ve been through a few of these groups, 3,4,5,all at once when I first found narcsite. I’m trying to be in group 10 right now. Hope to get to group 12 sooner than later.

    If the narcissist that come here were willing to ID themselves, (or even anonymously) I’d like to know if what they learn here has reduced their anxiety or increased awareness of why they do certain behaviors? Would they ever share this site with someone in their lives? Does it increase their tolerance or regard for their fuel supplies?
    Have they used the information to increase their effectiveness in interactions and fuel attainment? Do they look for specific traits more than others, or do they all want pretty much the same type of target?
    Do they envy HG?
    Lot of questions from someone who hopes to avoid them.
    Guess I am a sponge.

    Perse

    1. A narcissist that came here would not know they were a narcissist because they would be Lesser or Mid Range. Several have appeared here and none of them recognise what they are.
      A Greater would not be here on another’s blog.

      1. Thank you, HG.
        I thought I had seen some narcs here, very few, and then they say something that makes me change my mind, they don’t seem to be.
        And if they don’t know, it would do no good to ask.
        I could imagine a young Greater lurking at your site, taking notes on empaths so as to conserve energy and learn from an educated and effective Greater.
        That would only happen if he already recognized what he is.

  18. Reading this article felt like having you sit across my table and feed me information. I couldn’t wait to get the next bite.

    Perhaps it was my narcissistic side, but I enjoyed reading about myself!

    Yet, my empathetic side could relate to all explanations of your reader subtypes. And while I’ve only been a guest here for a short while, I can already see certain patterns in those who post on your site. (I am almost as interested in learning about the victim as I am the narcissist.)

    Most everyone here seems kind and intelligent. I think that’s another aspect that encouraged me to respond to your work (besides you being an authority on the subject, of course).

    I’d only ever posted once before (on that nerve damage site, of all places). But it wasn’t hard for me to recognize that I best seize the opportunity to actually get a glimpse inside the thoughts and makings of an individual with this mind-boggling way of being. And the way you described that thirst for understanding… the way you described our desires… made me believe, for a brief moment, that you were one of us.

    Know your reader, right?

    For you to be able to recognize our traits shows what a powerful connection you have to people. But of course, you’re a Greater; what else should I expect!

    This writing read easily and was interesting and entertaining, just as a conversation should be.
    Loved this piece!

  19. “My kind need people. We do not like to admit it as the suggestion of reliance on somebody else brings with it connotations of weakness and this dents our sense of omnipotence”
    Dear HG
    Please can you elaborate regarding that feeling of anger you feel when you are made aware of how dependent you are on a woman.
    Loving your work
    xxx

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