Why Yes Is Not Always Best

WHY YES

Lots of people have trouble with saying no. It carries with it the connotation of negativity, obstruction and disappointment. People much prefer to say yes. I know that you and your kind really do struggle with saying no. You prefer to be regarded as a can-do kind of person, positive and accommodating. You also find it difficult to say no to people as you really do not like to see the disappointment on their face should you respond in this way. It makes you feel bad and accordingly, you either avoid saying it in the first place or you change your mind if you have said it. Occasionally, you will take refuge in the realm of uncertainty.

“I will think about it.”

“We shall see.”

“Let me reflect and I will come back to you.”

“I just need to check something, but I think it should be okay.”

You want to say no, but you find that you are unable to and therefore you trot out one of these insipid responses and ultimately you will end up saying yes. We know this is a common trait of yours and something we rely on and play on. We are aware that you do not like to say no and therefore we will press and cajole to ensure you say yes. Do not make the mistake of thinking that we need your validation and approval. Far from it. We do what we want. We like to hear you say yes because it underlines our power over you. We can always make you say yes. Sometimes you do it straight away (especially if we have you conditioned correctly). On other occasions it requires some persuasion and in the remainder of cases we need to pull out our manipulative tool kit to achieve the desired result, but we always get there. You are designed to say yes, we programme you to say yes and you do so even if it is ultimately detrimental to you. You feel you need to please and that need is greatest when it comes to us.

By contrast we are firm disciples of the word “no”. It is a word of strength. It is commanding and authoritative. Those who can say no have fortitude, steel and resilience. We say it regularly. We are untroubled by the fallen expression, the noises of disappointment and pleading. In fact, should you beg and plead we will just keep saying no and sit back and enjoy the fuel that you provide to us by your behaviour. Beseech us, blackmail us, bribe us and bombard us with requests, nay, demands to say yes and every time we will bat you back with a firm no as we savour your increasing anger, frustration and upset.

We do not associate the word no with negativity. We see it as a positive word. It is one that enables us to assert and maintain our superiority. We are able to use it to control you and keep you in your place. We are fully aware that whoever is on the receiving end of the word no automatically feels bad because they have been denied something.

“No I do not want to have dinner with you tonight.”

“No, you cannot borrow my car this evening.”

“No, you cannot go out with your friends tomorrow evening.”

It takes guts and integrity to say no. You struggle to say it because you are used to being exploited and taken for granted. You may try and dress it up as being someone who always helps and is a facilitator but the reality is you end up being used. Notice how in those instances above where I stated no, I did not give a reason for the refusal, I just said no. That takes real strength. I do not need to fall into providing explanations for my decision. It is my decision, the answer is no, that is an end to it. I can do this because I am not accountable. I can do this because I do not feel bad when witnessing the disappointment of others. This enables me to achieve more and avoid being burdened unnecessarily.

You can learn a lot from my use of the word no. Just do not think of ever using it towards me. That’s a big no.

 

35 thoughts on “Why Yes Is Not Always Best

  1. Bubbles🍾 says:

    Dear Mr Tudor,

    Narc parents train you to say “yes”…..
    heaven help us if we say “no” otherwise bad things happen
    We are conditioned.

    I’m learning to say “no” ….. mostly by text msg, it’s safer for me ATM.

    Your articles always hit then nail on the head … bravo !

  2. DebbieWolf says:

    HG

    Is the IPSS always in a position of being considered for IPPS albeit going up or down in consideration?

    Is the IPSS ever a static position? in as much as you know already that they would not make IPPS ever, but that you would keep them as IPSS for a time anyway..however long it lasts? Because they were good as an IPSS to you but you already know would NOT make a good IPPS?

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Except when disengaged, yes.

      No, it is fluid save when disengaged.

      1. DebbieWolf says:

        Ok. Thanks for the reply.

  3. t says:

    ‘ I just said no. That takes real strength. I do not need to fall into providing explanations for my decision. ‘

    ^ that is because you can’t empathise, not because you are strong/er.

  4. 12345 says:

    I’ve gotten so much better at saying no since finding HG. I recognize my people pleasing start to kick up and I just say no about 75% of the time now. I do still feel guilty when I do it but I’m sick to death of saying yes when everything in me is screaming NO!!!!!

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Well done.

  5. Khaleesi says:

    One of my best days (prior to NC) was the day I told him “NO”. That’s all my answer consisted of. After years of allowing him to convince me to do whatever he wanted even if I wanted to say no, he was completely shocked when I stood my ground. That was the biggest turning point for me.

    1. Bubbles🍾 says:

      Dear Khaleesi,

      Great name 👸🏼

      1. Khaleesi says:

        Thank you Bubbles. Ditto!

      2. K says:

        Khaleesi: Game of Thrones, one of my favorite characters.

  6. Noname says:

    That’s truth and Narcs have a full advantage from it.

    If you say “no”, that means you have a reason to say it. You are uncomfortable with what would come after your “yes”.

    If other person knows it and continues to push you to say “yes” (begging, threatening, etc), that means he/she DOESN’T CARE about you and your feelings at all. Very red flag.

    1. K says:

      Salami Slicing is a HUGE red flag. All of my narcs have pulled that shit.

      1. Windstorm2 says:

        K
        You’re exactly right! When they beg and won’t take no for an answer, we tend to think that this shows how much it means to them that we do whatever it is that they are begging for, so we give in to be nice. What their begging really shows is how little they care about us and how little they respect us and what we want.

        1. K says:

          WS2
          Bingo! You hit the nail on the head. They are the ultimate boundary breakers with a huge sense of entitlement, however, we on to their wily ways now.

  7. HG,

    What happens if you tell the narcissist ‘no’? I know if you already have a relationship of some sort with the N, it will be nearly impossible to say no, and you will get grief if you do.

    But suppose you have just met someone recently, and they say no to some request, demand, or invitation from you?

    What if the no was issued from a candidate IPPS or IPSS? Will you drop them?

    Perse

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Do you mean what happens if an appliance says no during the golden period?

      1. HG,

        I should clarify,

        I was asking about saying no during the seduction phase, specifically.

        Would you consider the appliance to be a candidate for IPPS or IPSS before seduction was completed?

        I was thinking that if I were to say no to a suspected narcissist, that would either repel them or reveal them.

        Thanks,
        Perse

        1. HG Tudor says:

          Saying no on one occasion during seduction is unlikely to have a significant impact. The ongoing seduction of a Candidate IPSS will mean we can override any negative matter arising from your unwarranted refusal. Keep doing it and it will either cause an ignition of fury (Lesser) or breaking off (Mid Range or Greater). Of course, the reality is nearly nobody says ‘no’ the first time and often fails to do so thereafter if they have knowledge owing to the blinding effect of emotional thinking.

          1. Thank you for the clarification.
            Thanks also for the reality check.

            Perse

    2. K says:

      Perse
      Fury is capped during the golden period and the positive fuel will heal the wound, however, the narcissist may make note of it when deciding the suitability of the candidate IPPS. The most compliant IPPS wins and the less compliant appliance may be kept as an IPSS.

      1. K says:

        Perse
        P.S.
        Correction: it should read candidate IPSS

        A non-compliant IPSS may experience a corrective devaluation or dis-engagement devaluation (discard).

  8. Somewhere over the rainbow says:

    Is NC the biggest “no” one can give to a narcissist?

    1. HG Tudor says:

      It is.

  9. Windstorm2 says:

    I hate to tell anyone “no.” I like being helpful. I usually get around having to do things I’d rather not, by making myself unavailable. But over the decades I have developed the ability to spot when a narcissist wants me to say yes just for control or to manipulate me. I can say “no” and do say it in these instances.

    I rebel anymore whenever I feel I’m being manipulated. If someone’s going to pull off a manipulation, it has to be so smooth, i never even notice. If they’re not smart enough to do that, they don’t deserve to succeed. Lol!

    1. Catherine says:

      That’s great Windstorm. Agreeing to do something should never be as a result of manipulation. I realised recently that I’m surrounded by people who’ve come to know me as someone to use for their purposes, not necessarily because they have any intention of truly hurting me, but because that’s the person I’ve presented myself to be: helpful. I still want to be that person as long as I feel that I want to help, but I need to learn to refuse in a polite manner when I don’t want to.

    2. K says:

      WS2
      After reading your comments on the Nasty Neighbor Narc about driving the lady with the gas mask and layers of clothes to church, it is very clear you hate to say, “No. And I think you are right, she sounds like a victim narc. I pictured ISeeYou when you described her. Most of my victim narcs smell fruity, too.

      1. Windstorm2 says:

        K
        Lol!! She needed to stop at two different places to do a little shopping in the way home, too! And wants a ride Friday, also! Of course it would never occur to her that I might have wanted to go to my own church for the first week of advent. I may take her Friday, but that’s it for me till after Christmas.

        I dont feel comfortable going inside her church at all. I went one Sunday and since it was a poor country church with only about 40 people there, I put a check for $100 in the collection plate. Don’t you know, within a week I started getting letters from the priest there dunning me for more money! And I only went the one Sunday as a guest!! He must have gotten my address off the check. He didn’t even say thank you! I tell you narcs are everywhere! That’s just my personal reality. 😄

        1. K says:

          WS2
          She sounds like a narc. An acquaintance asked me out for coffee and I said, “No.” But she kept asking (salami slicing), fortunately, I kept saying, “No.” Later a mutual friend told me how the same woman asked her out for coffee (seduction hoover) and afterwards wanted rides to go shopping everywhere. My mutual friend even carried her shopping bags for her (residual benefits: rides and bag holder).

          Rule # 1: Houses of Worship are loaded with narcissists, this includes the priests, deacons, rabbis, etc.
          When you wrote the $100.00 check that priest must have zoomed in on you like a bee to a flower. Not even a thank you, how rude. He must have been a lesser because there was no seduction and he just wanted your residual benefits.

          1. Windstorm2 says:

            K
            Yeah, y’all know I’m used to dealing with narcs and tend to spot them and expect them, but I’ll have to admit, this priest’s reaction shocked me. When I saw that letter from him in the mail, I thought, “Oh how thoughtful for him to write me when I don’t even go there!” Then to find out it was just a dun for more money! Gave my exhusband a good laugh, though! When I went to tell him the story, when I said I’d gotten a letter from the priest, he said,”He wanted more money, didn’t he?” before I even said it! Sure did t surprise him!

          2. K says:

            WS2
            You and me, both. They just gravitate towards you. I call them Walkers (zombies from The Walking Dead) but they want fuel instead of brains. The priest’s reaction shocked me, but at the same time, I am not surprised anymore. At least you realized it was a dun from the devil and your husband is like my MMRN, they know the tricks and call them out because narcs are, essentially, tricksters.

  10. Catherine says:

    Yes! Spot on!

    I never could say no, all my life has been about accommodating other people and giving in to their wishes. Even though it makes me miserable most of the time and I feel all this resentment deep within. I think I was conditioned as a child to say yes; punished for saying no. So there’s all this guilt of upsetting or hurting someone else that becomes unbearable to me, hence the yes.

    I’m working on boundaries in therapy now. It’s about time to stand up for myself finally so I guess for a short time until it all settles a bit there’ll be lots of NO!!s from me.

    1. Windstorm2 says:

      Seize that power, Catherine!

      1. Catherine says:

        Thank you Windstorm!

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