Smile For Me

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I just love that special smile of yours. I know that the first time I saw you displaying it that I wanted it for myself. I wanted to be the recipient of that smile and I wanted it so badly, oh so very badly that I went for you with ferocious determination. I watched as it slowly formed, your delectable lips twisting upwards and then parted to allow your teeth to be seen. Many animals bare their teeth as a warning to others to stay back, but not you. As you revealed your teeth and your smile widened into a grin I watched transfixed. I could see the effect it had on those near you. I could see how they felt happier for seeing your smile. I detected it in their faces, in their reactions and if I had been close enough I have little doubt that I would have been able to hear their pleasure and joy as you allowed them to bask in the warmth of your smile. It was inclusive. You showed it to everyone sat around that table and nobody was missed out. You did not break into laughter. That would almost have been vulgar and spoilt the scintillating effect of the way you conveyed such emotion to others near you. I continued to watch from my position across the bar as the words of whoever it was I was with that night, I cannot recall now, became nothing but white noise. I only allowed myself to hear her expressions of irritation at how I was distracted by you.

I made my excuses, feigning illness and dispatched whoever it was I was with, I cannot recall now, in a taxi with an already broken promise to call whoever it was, I cannot recall now and once that person who I cannot now recall had gone I returned to the restaurant. I positioned myself next to your table, sat at the bar and allowed myself to eavesdrop on the conversation that you were engaged in as I allowed myself a closer examination of your smile. It appeared frequently and never diminished in its brilliance. It was engaging, captivating and I had to have it. With customary ease I allowed myself to join your table once the dining had been concluded on the pretext of making a point arising from something you had said. I had already established from the body language around the table that none of the attending men were accompanying you and the behaviour of the other women indicated they were no more than friends. No ring rested on your wedding finger and you responded to my polite intrusion with a brief flash of that smile. I knew the drawbridge was down and the portcullis was up.

Accordingly, I made your smile mine and how I revelled in those perfect lips as they moved into that glorious smile. I had known fuller lips but yours were certainly not what I would call thin. Your left cheek dimpled when you smiled broadly and thereafter I knew that your smile was only truly for me. Yes, you smiled for others and I was proud of you for doing so, allowing them to experience it but only at a fraction of what was reserved for me. I was the sole recipient of the full magnitude of that smile and its amazing effect. You conveyed so much to me with your smile. The times you smiled at me in supportive admiration as I held forth at dinner parties, your appreciative smile when I did something for you, the sensual smile when you knew that our sexual congress was looming, the amazed smile when I stunned you with yet another example of my brilliance, your satisfied smile when you looked at me across the living room from where you were reading a book, safe and content in our world where your smile was mine and nobody else’s. I relished seeing your sleepy smile when I turned to you in the morning and gently kissed you on the nose. I delighted when you contacted me using your video capability on your ‘phone and you deliberately showed only your smiling mouth. Countless times I would record you doing so and play the footage back when I sat alone and relished the sensation which washed over me as I watched.

What made your smile so special was the fact that you gave it willingly to me. You told me that nobody had made you smile as much as I had. I took no issue with that for I knew it was something that I was entirely capable of. Your sweet, illuminating smile belonged to me, was engaged for me and existed just for me. I worked so hard to ensure that your mouth gave me that smile again and again and again. It sustained me and invigorated me, turning a moment of weakness into one of edifying strength in but a moment. I can truly say that nobody else has had a smile which has such an effect on me as yours. I saw what it did for other people and I knew that they were only experiencing a small percentage of what I felt because the true power and radiance of that smile was kept just for me because you understood me, you knew how I needed it and you were content and delighted to provide it to me. It was a beautiful smile, a beguiling smile, an admiring smile, a playful smile, an engaging smile, an enticing smile, an uplifting smile and so much more but above all else it was your special smile. Special for me.

Most of all though I cherished your smile because better than anyone else you knew how to hide everything behind that smile. I knew this is what you did and I knew he began teaching you to do so all that time ago. I made sure  that you continued to use your smile in this way. I completed your learning. Now it cloaked everything that the world did not need to know about. I made your smile extra-special didn’t I?

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11 thoughts on “Smile For Me”

  1. Lou…. wow, that explains me perfectly then! A mother’s love huh….what is this thing you speak of?!
    Mother was (I presume borderline) and alcoholic. Unhappy, depressed.
    Had addictions to gambling, extra marital affairs, self-harmer, shoplifting.
    Powerful explosive temper.
    She used to give men black eyes and was violent…
    Men she was with would do as she said, and she was not a person to mess with. But then neither was my father. They were first cousins. They used to have explosive fights physically and mentally when I was very young. They split when I was 5.
    Mother Abandoned/neglected us.
    No affection or closeness. She not know how to love.
    I don’t remember her smiling, only fake smiling when she was drunk. She died when I was 11 in car crash, may have been suicide! Who knows?! My father wouldn’t let us go to her funeral.

    1. Hi Michelle. Sorry for my late reply. It seems like you have been through a lot in your life. I am sorry you had to put up with all that so young.
      My mother is a narcissist so I never got the mirroring and validation that a child needs to build a healthy self. It has been quite a ride with her.
      Take care.

  2. I have read that the ability of a child’s primary caretaker to mirror the child’s feelings is crucial for the child to develop a healthy and independent self. When the primary caretaker mirrors (or matches her responses to) the child’s needs and feelings, the child learns to recognize and to respond to his/her own internal feelings, perceptions and thoughts, because the caretaker has validated them. Without this mirroring and validation of the existence of the self, the child learns that his/her feelings are unimportant, wrong and shameful. The child feels abandoned and lost and, with time, may become apathetic, depressed or anxious, which later leads to self-stimulating or over-stimulating behaviours.
    A mother smiles when her baby smiles and is joyful. A mother’s smile can convey all kinds of positive messages to the child (that he is wonderful, beautiful, loved and accepted).
    When I read this post this time. I could understand your fascination for that female smile, HG. Your need to have it only for you, often and repeatedly. I totally get the fuel part and what it does for you. But, do you think that there is a part of you, in this whole mechanism you have developed to survive, that is actually trying to heal?

  3. Thanks a Million HG! …for All of us who desperately NEED this knowledge. In these types of destructive, dangerous relationships, Knowledge definitely IS Power*****

  4. The most beautiful aspect of that smile is that it takes an empath to smile it in all the different emotions described in this post.

    An upper lesser made me search the web for information about abusive behaviour. My search led to this blog 8 months ago. This revolutionary knowledge gained through reading and consultations with the author ended with a new, amazing feeling of freedom. Both in regard of the narcissists already existing in my life at that point (an upper lesser and a greater) and prevented a new narcissist (a mid-ranger) from getting to close.

    Last weekend I attended a party and bumped into one of the narcissists in my life.
    For the first time I didn’t feel the well-known knot in my stomach.
    For the first time I was able to converse with neutrality and did not feel any need to explain myself or the situation to him, and I managed to do it without feeling guilty for my indifference.
    As I excused myself to use the restroom (as HG had taught me as a getaway manoeuvre) I smiled. The smile was not to gloat. The smile was not to show the narcissist that I had won.
    I will always have the ability to self-fuel, to move on, and at the end come back as the strongest version of me, but I did not feel the need to tell him that. To tell him that I would always have the ability to move on, but he would always stay stuck in his circular perspectives of life.
    No, as I walked away I smiled because of this sincere and amazing feeling of freedom.
    I smiled for me.

    HG, thank you for your brutal truth that reveilles in your information. Thank you for every consultation, email or audio. Thank you for telling me that reading and letting out my emotions, either on this blog or to you directly isn’t enough. Thank you for telling me how to use your provided information into building my logic, and for giving me my end goal: ZERO IMPACT.
    Thank you for giving me the step by step roadmap to get there. And thank you for being on my side.

    I know that we all have different stories with narcissists, and that we all have our own timeframe on how to deal with them. I cannot say what will work for you, I only know what worked for me.
    All I wish for is that all of you beautiful empaths out there will smile that smile of true freedom at some point again.

  5. So, it becomes clearer and clearer for me. You hate her because she remembers you of your own pain and malfunction in childhood. You hate your own pain, your own “weakness” in childhood and you project your feelings of shame and malfunction onto her. She still is, what you want to deny and never want to see again. You punish her instead of yourself. If there was not the strong will to survive and the strong ability to deny truth and to project your own feelings on and into others, what would you do?
    Neglected self-hate changed into malice against others that is your secret behind your walls. This is my logical conclusion. Cold logic. There is always a logic behind an often repeated behaviour, sometimes it takes time to find out what it is. Even bizarre behaviour is caused by something. Nevertheless- the malice inside of you – it is your own decision to be that way. You have too long practised it, to give it up. It functions too good and it serves you well.
    This is my closure. I have had a look inside of him and you.

    1. I always enjoy your comments Mona. You pack them with a 1-2 punch.
      It’s so sad and frustrating that the cycle perpetuates so someone is always being punished.

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